A Proposition over Lunch
Trixie stared at the hat in her hooves, silently toying with the smooth fabric. She groaned as her stomach growled, rubbing her belly with a hoof. The mare glanced up as a loud knock sounded at her door, jumping to her hooves as another three knocks echoed throughout her wagon. She stepped across the wagon, donning her hat and cape as she walked. She hesitated, her hoof on the door as she slowly pushed it open. The cerulean unicorn yelped as the door swung open, revealing a muscular bat pony standing on the steps of her caravan.
“Wha-Who are you?” Trixie blurted out, pressing a hoof to her thumping chest. The bat pony cocked his head, studying Trixie for a moment before answering.
“My name is Silver Wing.” He said, taking a step backwards to allow the mare to follow him out of the caravan. “Princess Luna wishes to see you at the castle.”
“Is Trixie in trouble for something?” The mare asked, hooves shuffling nervously underneath her.
“No.”
Trixie eyed Silver warily, eyes lingering on the strangely colored wings tucked into the bat ponies side. He stared at her resolutely, his face a blank mask exposing sharp fangs at either side of his mouth. He turned without a word, his hooves stomping over the ground as he marched away from her, only stopping to look back at her until she shakily followed him.
He remained motionless until she fell in place behind him, nervously glancing back at her caravan. The pair walked down the length of the alleyway, Trixie peppering the stallion with questions as they walked.
“So… Why do you have bat wings?” Trixie asked, flicking her mane over her shoulder.
Silver Wing trotted quietly, leveling one large golden eye on her. “I am a Moori. You ponies know my kind as Bat-ponies.”
“What’s it like working for Princess Luna?”
Silver Wing walked on, ignoring the mare’s question. Trixie narrowed her eyes, glaring at the stallion irritatedly.
“Do you eat bugs?” Trixie asked, smirking at the stallion. Her expression fell as he ignored her, staring straight ahead as if she hadn’t even spoken. Finally the pair exited the alleyway, Trixie’s steps faltered as a chariot straight from her nightmares appeared around the corner.
The reins were connected to two broad shouldered bat ponies, their eyes staring straight forward, but their ears swiveling to jerk in her direction. The reigns connected to a deep purple metal chariot, all sharp edges and sleek curves, unlike the gentle swoops and rolls of a Solar chariot. Also unlike its solar counterpart, this chariot had the opening facing forward, rather than the rear chariots the solar guard preferred.
The material of the chariot perfectly matched the armor of the four bat ponies present, two ignoring her, and two studying her like their life depended on it. A single bat pony stood at attention at the rear of the chariot, yellow slitted eyes focused on Trixie.
“Wha-what is the meaning of this?” Trixie asked, turning her gaze on the bat creature trotting beside her. She blinked in surprise as the bat-pony in front of her finally chose to answer.
“Princess Luna has requested your presence at the castle.” The stallion repeated, bowing his head to her politely. Trixie returned the gesture half heartedly, eyes darting around her rapidly.
She hesitated, costing her any chance she had at running away. Beside her, Silver wing beckoned toward the small steps leading into the seat section of the chariot. Trixie sighed, reluctantly boarding the chariot, the two bat ponies taking a seat at either side.
“Ah’m Quickshot. That’s Silver Wing.” The unknown bat pony said, beckoning to the bat-pony opposite him with a wry grin on his face. His voice was thick, with an accent that the mare couldn’t quite place.
“Yes he told Trixie as much a moment ago.” Trixie said, glancing dismissively at the bat stallion beside her as she returned Quickshots greeting.
“Well as… Anti-socia’ as Silver is Ah couldn’t be sure if he would introduce himself.” Quickshot elaborated, nudging Silver with his wing. Silver remained silent, only acknowledging the prod with a slight wrinkling in his nose.
Trixie stared at the pair, suddenly squeaking as the two moori at the front of the chariot took off running. The chariot rocketed down the alleyway, slowly lifting into the air as the two bat ponies at the front flapped their wings.
Wind whipped past Trixie’s mane, blowing it back as the chariot soared above the buildings around them. She lifted her neck, closing her eyes as she felt the breeze against her face, grabbing at her hat as the gale threatened to rip it off. They circled in the air, going higher and higher, until the castle and the tip of the mountain were the only things higher than them.
Trixie opened her eyes, craning her neck to look over the edge of the chariot at the ponies below. She gulped at the height, fighting down a bundle of nerves rising up in her stomach. A bird shot pass the chariot, wings pumping as it soared beside them for a minute. Trixie’s eyes slid over the birds wings, fascinated at the way the wind rolled over the feathers as it flew.
The two bat-ponies at the reins turned toward the palace, dragging them through the sky like a rocket. They soared over the walls of the palace, the large bat pony at her side laughing as a squad of bat ponies soared overhead, rolling onto their backs and nodding at the chariot as they went.
“Look at ‘em, showing off like a flock of peacocks!” Quickshot said, laughing at their antics. “If ol’ Silver Wing was out there, he’d out fly ‘em with both hooves tied behind his back.” Quickshot said, laughing as he prodded Silver Wing, who turned a single large yellow eye on him. Silver’s lip curled upwards, as he watched the squad fly above them.
“Hold on there kid, we’re goin’ in for a landing.” Quickshot said, bracing himself. Ahead, the two ponies went into a deep dive, the chariot snapping downward behind them. Trixie screamed, scrambling to grab onto Shot’s side. A moment later, the chariot rolled to a stop, their ride coming to an end in the largest of Canterlot castles courtyards. Trixie slowly released Quickshot, her cheeks a rosy red as she avoided his eye.
Trixie pulled herself to her feet, leaping down onto the ground, ignoring Quickshots stifled laughter. She gazed around Canterlot palace’s massive courtyard, staring in awe at the colossal fountain in the center of the courtyard. She slowly trotted to the foot of the fountain, eyes wide at the mountains of shimmering bits laying useless just below the water.
She leaned in further, gazing at her reflection in the calm water. “Oh Celestia…”
The first thing she noticed was how dirty her hair looked. Her once beautiful pale blue and white mane was spotted with dirt, more a dingy beige color than it should be. Her eyes appeared sunken slightly, most likely from the trouble sleeping the last few months. She leaned over the fountain, gasping at the sight of her stomach in the water. She could see her ribs, ever so visible from beneath her cerulean coat. She shuddered, lowering herself to sit on her haunches.
“Come on, you! Let’s go get some meat on those scrawny bones!” Quickshot said as he trotted up, patting her on the back, nearly knocking her to the ground. She turned suddenly, flaring at him before resuming her seat indignantly.
“Trixie is not ‘scrawny’,” She said, mocking his accent as she brushed imaginary dirt off her chest. “Trixie is… Trixie is petite.”
“If you were any more ‘petite’, you would have been blown out of the chariot!” Quickshot said, talking over his shoulder as he trotted back to Silver, beckoning for the show mare to follow him. She sighed, following Quickshot as Silver fell in place beside her, walking silently.
They exited the courtyard, her hooves clacking on the stonework below her as they entered an open hall, leading further into the castle. Trixie gazed around the hallway, eyes lingering on each tapestry and statue they passed, amazed at the vivid colors represented on the various works of art.
As they entered the massive dining halls Trixie gasped in awe, her eyes roaming to the cavernous ceiling above her. Colorful banners hung from the pillars lining the walls with several large chandeliers affixed at regular intervals throughout the room. A long dark wooden table stretched nearly the length of the room, decorated with large pots full of wildflowers every so many feet. The table could easily sit a few dozen ponies, give or take a few. She lingered at the entrance to the room, her hooves failing to help her keep up with the two stallions in front of her.
“Come on, blue!” Quickshot yelled back, his tail flicking behind him. Trixie shook herself, galloping to catch up with the pair.
The trio walked around the table, passing through a small side door, leading into a smaller side dinner hall. A small table sat in the center of the room, 6 chairs spaced evenly around it. Quickshot trotted forward, beckoning for the mare to take a seat. He reared back onto his back legs, pulling a chair out for Trixie as she stepped forward.
Trixie nodded her head in thanks, taking the offered seat as she glanced around the room. As her eyes roamed, the two moori behind her passed through the doorway they had entered, closing it behind them. As the door behind her snapped closed, the one in front of her opened.
Four servant ponies entered the room, three mares of various colors, and one large stallion. The mares pushed carts with their forehooves, while the stallion carried a massive salad bowl on a platter balanced atop his back. They lined up to one side of the table, silently nodding at Trixie.
The stallion stepped forward, rolling his shoulder to slip the salad onto the table. Behind him, the mares stepped forward setting various plates and platters of fruits and greens that had Trixie visibly foaming at the mouth. Another mare trotted into the room, quickly depositing the large jugs of juice that sat upon her cart onto the table. Once all the plates and drinks were set upon the table, the servants bowed low, each turning and trotting out of the room one after the other.
“Wait!” Trixie called, before the last mare could leave the room. “Why is Trixie here?”
“Can I get you anything else, miss Lulamoon?” The mare responded after a moment of silence. When Trixie just stared at her, the mare smiled and left the room.
Trixie grumbled, snatching a bread roll off a large platter in front of her. She tore into the bread, munching angrily. Her stomach growled loudly as she swallowed, her hunger reigniting as the food hit her empty belly.
She finished the roll in a moment, snatching another one as her horn lit up with a magenta glow, fruits and greens floating into a pile on her plate. She tore into the food with renewed vigor, teeth mashing together as she forwent any and all utensils.
Luna trotted through the palace, her hooves pounding the stone below her grumpily. She had hoped to be able to meet with Trixie Lulamoon already, but those thrice-damned nobles of Celestia’s had whined and complained every time she had sought to leave her sister’s court. She rarely attended the day court, and days like this reminded her why she resisted invitations to attend.
“Damn nobles… they whine like a soiled filly!”
She sighed, slowing to a stop just outside the hall Trixie dined in at this very moment. She allowed herself a moment, taking several deep breaths as she tried to calm down. She stepped forward, pushing the door open with a mere thought.
She entered the room, a warm smile on her face as she set eyes on the cerulean mare. Her smile froze as her eyes widened, slowly taking in the mess of empty plates and platters sprawled out across the table. Trixie herself sat at the head of the table, slowly rubbing a hoof across her distended belly. Luna lifted an eyebrow, glancing at the chair down the table that had previously been pulled out for the blue mare before her. Apparently, after the servants had left the room, the mare saw fit to reseat herself.
“Well… umm. I had intended to share a meal with you, and discuss a proposition…” Luna said, scratching at the back of her mane. “But it seems, you were slightly… hungrier… than I had anticipated.” She said, gazing past Trixie’s stunned expression at the plates, searching for a single piece of food that had not been eaten, or at the very least not bitten into.
Trixie struggled to sit up straighter, bowing her head as low as she could manage. Her cheeks flushed as she struggled to bow, her head finally falling back as she panted lightly. “Trixie apologizes Princess. If Trixie may be so bold… why did you need to see her?”
“Well… I saw what you did for that filly last night.” Luna said, darting around Trixie’s question. “I was very impressed with both your magic, and your actions. I hate to think what would've happened to her if you had not rescued her.” Luna explained, horn flaring as she drew herself a chair. She sat, taking her position at the table across from the unicorn.
“Is Trixie being rewarded?” She asked, her eyes sparkling eagerly as she sat up straighter in her chair.
“Well… I do want to thank you for helping her.” Luna said, shaking her head. Trixie slumped in her seat, huffing loudly. “But, as I said, I have a proposition for you.”
“Trixie is listening.”
“I want you to become my student.” Luna said, smiling smugly as Trixie’s jaw dropped. “It will not be easy. You will be tested, and pushed, molded and worked over, in ways that you cannot even imagine. There will be days you hate me, and I look forward to them.” Luna said, smiling almost savagely.
“Because in the end you will be better for it. You will learn magics the world has long since forgotten, secrets lost centuries ago. A room will be provided for you here in the castle, as well as a monthly allowance.” Luna explained, bumping her hooves together as she talked.
“Why?” Trixie asked, staring at the table. She put her forelegs on the table, tapping out a beat with the flat of her hooves.
“Why? I just explained it to you?” Luna said, blinking confusedly at her.
“You see Trixie do one good deed and decide she’s good enough to be your student?” Trixie said, tapping the table with her hoof. She shook her head. “Trixie doesn’t buy it. She has done plenty of things in life she regrets… Things she wishes she could take back.”
Luna smiled, nodding at the unicorn approvingly. “I applaud you for not taking this offer at face value. I understand your doubts, and yes I am aware of the incidents in Ponyville. Which is exactly why I am asking you.” At Trixie’s blank expression Luna elaborated.
“I understand how it is to have something in your past you are not proud of.” Luna said, her smile slipping ever so slightly. “I am giving you a chance to prove that you are sorry. If you will become my student, we will figure out a way to show all of Equestria that you are not the mare everypony else thinks you are.”
“If this is that important to you,” Trixie responded after a moment, attempting and ultimately failing at projecting an uncaring air. “Than Trixie doesn’t see how she could refuse such a request.”
Luna cocked an eyebrow, fighting the smile on her face. “We… may need to work on your humility a bit…”
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The fun, it shall be doubled! ...WE STILL NEED A LUNA EMOTICON!!!
How about Old Time Rock n Roll?
)
(It worked for Tom Cruise.
3166294
That's a pretty good one!
Double update all the way, so intense.
Still liking this, yes.
Are there any other requirements for the song? Cuz I have some songs I'd recommend, but there are either no lyrics or they're hard to understand
3167223
I was hoping for lyrics so that I could have someone sing them, but if they're not to hard to understand go ahead and post them and I'll see if I can use it
3167250
Okay, well this is one of my more favorite songs by this artist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysOwxqe6pf0
3167250
Here are some recommendations that I have
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScLVtsi0cfc&lc=VIssEM_MQLRj3KyGG36lIibIYA_cZ9DXXAflZLOCpsI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GtDipOmQZA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oarDrGoJ4dA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysOwxqe6pf0
If these don't meet your expectations, want me to keep looking?
This is awesome!! Ive read this whole story and I have almost no criticism!!
Lets start off with what I like. First the writing is amazing, your style is perfect, you have a way of writing that is stupendous. Next, the story idea itself is genius and well implemented. I am a huge fan of Trixie X Luna fics and this one is defiantly may favorite so far. I've got mixed views on the bat-ponies, I think they are not only well implemented but original too. Its just a little detail but I really like the way that you describe how the armor reacts with movements, Its just a little detail but I think makes the story seem just that much better. The scene with the star model was genius, original, and well written. The whole out of body spiritual thing (can't remember the name) is also amazing, it puts an original spin on Luna's dream walking abilities. The Celestia bed scene, priceless! Last I think your overall characterization of most of the characters is spot on, I especially liked Luna. There is a lot more that I like about this fic but the list is too big to name it all, so these are just my favorites.
Things that I think can be improved: First, is my other feelings with the bat-ponies, they are physically detailed well but we get no background about them. They need more details about them like; does being a bat-pony effect them mentally, how does one become a bat pony or are you born one, are they basically pony vampires, do they have special talents that regular ponies don't have? Stuff like that. Next I feel like either later on silver will be adopted by Trixie or we will newer see her again, an OC created for one scene isn't good in my eyes. The only characterization I think is off is Trixie, she seems a little too out of character for me. To be specific she isn't as showy as she usually is, and you commonly see her characterized as not excepting any help with saying she doesn't want anybodies pity (this is how the fandom seems to characterize her so its more of a suggestion, but being original is key). There is a little more about Trixie but it isn't important enough to write. This is a little nit-picky but when you say that the filly screamed loud enough for it to be heard from Canterlot castle by Luna, and no one else seems to notice is a little fishy. Finally I found a few errors in the story like missing a space or capitalization. There was not a lot but there were some. I remember seeing possible grammar mistakes but I can't remember where.
Overall.... SPECTACULAR story!!!
-Michael A.
Note: My opinions are based on the writing so far so they could be fixed easily in later chapters. Also these are my opinions so not everyone will agree with me.
3167438
First off, I am glad you like it! I have big plans for this story so I hope I can keep you hooked until the end!
Second off, I think I shall address a few of your worries
Trixie will grow to know the bat-ponies better, so they will have much more of their back story, physical and mental traits worked out as Trixie grows to know them. I have a lot already written on their race's back story and individual personality's so we will see a lot of them throughout the story.
As for Silver Star, We will see her again, and learn about more of her back story throughout this story as well, but I don't think I'll spoil my plans for this little filly just yet. I also changed Luna's location in Canterlot, I had meant to do it but got so wrapped up in writing that I never went back and changed it
Also about Trixie, I imagined that after the Alicorn amulet, she would be a lot more uncertain of herself and hesitate to be the boasting Trixie we know. I've tried keeping her boastful, but make it seem like she's not as certain about who she is anymore, and I plan to make her grow quite a bit in this fic. She will start off as wanting to be the old Trixie, Confident and boastful, but will grow into a much better mare after realizing that she can be as strong as she pretended to be and doesn't need to rub everypony's nose in it!
I hope that's helped shed a little light on the direction the story will be going later
If you'd like to point out any errors, I'll be more than happy to go back and fix them!
3167378
Hmm I might be able to use that booty swing one, but I gotta say I love this type of music! You've given me a few new fav's
Do you happen to like swing step by any chance?
Well, depending on the kind of music that you personally enjoy, maybe one of these songs would suffice?
"You Drive Me Nervous" By Alice Cooper
"Hang On To Yourself" By David Bowie
"Killer Queen" By Queen
I mean, only one of these songs got any airplay on the radio, but I don't know if that really matters, or not.
Oh! If Trixie will be singing along then I've got another idea...
"Bohemian Rhapsody" By Queen
EDIT : Sorry! Completely forgot to tell you that I think you're doing a splendid job on the story, thus far! Keep up the good work!
they whine like a soiled filly!
Although this certainly makes for some amusing imagery, are you sure you don't mean "spoiled"?
3167530
You have an excellent choice in music!
3166294
So far, this is the best choice that I am clubbing myself over the head for not thinking of first!
3167514
I'm glad I did. And do you mean the dance? Or is it a genre? Cuz I haven't heard of it
3167598
Well it's a like a sub genre of dubstep I guess you could say. It combines heavy bass with old Swing style music, and what you linked me reminded me a lot of that style so I was just curious f you were a fan of it
3167572
No I meant soiled
Like a filly that's wet their diaper lol
3167611 Just checking. Your way might actually be funnier but you have to admit they are two pretty different things to say, so I wanted to make sure it wasn't a typo.
3167610
Oh okay. I probably have heard it and just not realized it
3167626
This is a pretty good example of Swingstep!
3167638
Oh, I've heard Caravan Palace before, just not this song
3167506
I really do, and trust me you already got me hooked. And I wouldn't classify it as worries, more of things that I think could be improved upon. So far in the story there is nothing that I flat out dislike.
Okay I guessed that you were going to go somewhere with them in the future but I still wanted to point it out to make sure. They have a lot of potential and I'm really looking forward to seeing where you go with it.
You not denying the adoption theory! Ha, but seriously I'm glad that you are going to have Silver Star be more in the story. As I stated before, I hate it when authors create OC's that pop-up out of nowhere for one important scene and then dump them. If you have to make a character up just to fit a one scene, unless its key to the story, I just don't like it (This is not to say that there aren't any exceptions *Cough-Zecora-Cough*). On a little off topic note, I don't like to when authors create character for their story that pop-up out out of no where and arn't properly introduced earlier in the story/series, example Cadence and Shining Armor.
Hey I'm glad that I was able to point that out for you, trust me there are people on this site who will write death threats for those simple details, trust me on this I've seen someone try to rip apart a great fic with small details like those.
I actually like your reasoning for characterizing Trixie. If you follow that I take almost everything I said back, but I still think you should add more boasting scenes in though, more of that classic Trixie flare. I like to see her growth and redemption but, are you going to have a backstory for Trixie? I personally prefer it when she had a bad childhood and created her persona to hide her insecurities, and her 'Mask' eventually becomes her like on and off the stage. With a backstory like this it just makes her redemption more earned rather then given.
Okay, as of now I'll comment any spelling or grammar mistakes that I see from now on. If/when I end up rereading the previous chapters I will point them out as well.
Anyway again I want to say how much of an awesome fic I think this is and I will continue my support. This story is already awesome and I think that it has potential to become even greater. I look forward to reading more! Thank you and have a great day. Oh and I went back and fixed the spelling and stuff with my previous comment, just saying.
-Michael A.
Note: I forgot to mention this is the first comment but the scene with Luna taunting Celestias guards was ("drop it") written kinda confusingly. In the end I only had a vague image of what happened, It could just be me though. Also i hope that you don't mind my long comments. When I review I tend to go all out and include everything I see.
3167578
Well thank you! I mean, I chose some pretty well-known/commercial artists for the songs that I recommended, because I also, kind of, figured that nopony would get a reference made towards a song performed by a band like "Wayne County & The Electric Chairs" ^^.
Anyways, moving on... So this is another Trixie Redemption story, right? I ask because I'm kind of curious if it'll follow the same formula that others of it's make do.
I'm not saying the plot isn't original, it's just that I've noticed a trend where Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity never really apologize for what they did. You know? I mean, of course you can't blame these ponies for the Alicorn Amulet scandal, but it always irritates me how hardly nopony else ever acknowledges just what those three did in Trixie's debut episode.
Trixie was, of course, wrong for humiliating the three of them, and she deserved to be shown up by Twilight. I mean she didn't deserve to lose her house, job, and reputation, but I'd rather not talk about that for too much longer, lest I get distracted. It's just that when Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity went up onto that stage their intention was to humiliate/show up Trixie in front of her audience. Sure, Applejack, and Rarity may of also been pissed off at what had become of Rainbow Dash, but still, they wanted to show Trixie up. Their intentions weren't pure.
Anyway! That was just my two cents, and thanks for reading my comment!
(P.s. I was drunk when I typed this up, so pardon me if my wording sounds... Off.)
EDIT : Okay, I more carefully thought over what I had said, and realized that, even by my own logic, they didn't really do anything... I'm not going to say that "It was because I was drunk" since that's not the kind of person I am. I just goofed up, is all.
But yeah, you can just forget what I had said earlier (Well, if you want to I mean). I was probably over-thinking things again.
3168410
Well I see it how you do, she was putting on a show and they kinda let it become personal, when it shouldn't. But in this story, Trixie will be doing most of her redemption in Canterlot, but I think she might make a stop in Ponyville, but I'm honestly not sure what I will do with Aj, Rarity and Dash... I'll have to ponder on this
3167638
Are you still deciding what songs you should use? Cuz I just thought of a person you might like.
3196292
Sure
what's the song?
You have captured my interest...
I like this story quite a bit, but it it needs some more tlc, the repetitive use of some words kills the mood quite a bit, you used 'smiled' 3 or 4 times in two sentences for example.
and so it begings i wonder if that little filly will be making more appearances