Bruce Mayne is a billionaire orphan at the head of Mayne Enterprises with more bits than the princesses have to their name. But there is more to him than it would seem. By day Bruce Mayne billionaire philanthropist, by night he is the Batmane. Bruce Mayne is using his wits, will, and gadgets to fight crime and save Gothamare City from the Marecrow.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Alright. Time for some noted and advice. A bunch of it! Let's help you become awesome!
The first thing that jumped out at me was that you switched from first person with Twilight and then third person with Bruce. That's a big no no. You want the perspective of your story to stay consistent, and with a story like this, third person is the choice you want. Once you switch to third person, you don't need to mention a narrator. You simply start it off with, "Twilight Sparkle was doing x."
Starting the story with it was a sunny day in Ponyville is very common with a lot of stories. My advice is to drop that entirely. It's why I did Twilight woke up in my own. People don't expect that.
"Well, being the student of the Princess helps," I replied, "Plus my father was friends with his before the incident." <- whenever you continue a sentence like that, the next sentence is automatically not capitalized. "-Princess helps," Twilight replied, "plus my father-"
When a character is addressing another character, you need to put a comma before their name to show that they are talking to that person. I forget to do some in my story, and they slip, but it shows who they are talking to. "I think that's a great idea, Rarity." You don't do that when you aren't addressing them but talking about them. "I thought that Rarity's idea was good, don't you think so, Applejack?"
"All ah yah, I think Twah'light gits tha point." That's... a 'little' thick on the AJ accent. I'd tone it down a bit.
Always remember to put periods at the end of your sentences, including dialogue!
"Thank you Applejack, we do need to get to the train by now also" I said with a nod in the direction of the clock. <- very awkward sentence. You always want to reread what you write ten times, is my usual goal for myself. I might be OCD, and my brain is a bit different, but for the first chapters, you should really try to reach perfection. Mine changed a bit, and hay, I might change them again.
You don't need to say Fluttershy whispered often. She normally has a quiet speaking voice.
"I spose' that when yah put it that way it does sound ah mighty bit silly" Applejack agreed. <- remember to put a comma at the end of that. Or period. It's about the speed of the transition. Commas are faster.
As I'm reading this, there's a lot more detail you could put between the scenes to really fill out that one thousand words. It's going by very, very fast, and there's a lot of information and character development that you can build up. Don't rush it. Take your time. Fill it out. We want to know what you have to say.
I then showed myself to Alfred. He looked stunned, probably because he hadn't seen me in such a long time. <- It sounds like she was doing the Sunshine dance.
It's entirely unneeded to say something like this, as he would of noticed her ahead of time. If he knew her, it should of come out nearly instantly. I'd write it something like this. In third person.
The mane six had just arrived at Mayne Manor, and to say it was huge was an understatement. It took up nearly two city blocks. The mares stared in awe at the sheer size of the mansion before they gathered the courage to knock on the front door. With a frightful speed, the butler responded with haste. Alfred Bitworth, if Twilight's memory recalled. It didn't fail often.
"How may I be of service, young masters?" Alfred inquired. As soon as he spoke, he adjusted himself, perking up an eyebrow at the purple unicorn. "Miss Sparkle! What a lovely surprise to see you! It has been a while since we've last talked!"
You just have to work on your detail, descriptions, and dialogue flow. My recommendation is to read. Read, and never stop reading. I would be lying if I haven't improved writing my story, and if consuming a million or two words of fan fiction hasn't improved me greatly. You take from the authors you love, and grow from it. Never stop growing.