Equestrian Joe

by HellRyden

Home on the Range

Chapter 5: Home On The Range

The next few days passed by uneventfully, with nothing more than the movement of the sun and the regular arrivals of breakfast, lunch and dinner to mark the passing of time. The wounds I’d sustained through my traipse in the Everfree had already healed up nicely, and the welt on the back of my head I’d received from Rainbow Dash was fast disappearing - I guess I had the regular spell treatments of the doctors and the weird gunk they smeared over the lump at the end of each healing session to thank for that.

Not that the experience was entirely pleasant, though. Each time they focused their efforts on fixing the welt, the entire affected area would start tingling as though I had a thousand ants crawling around inside it. My skin would start crawling right before every healing session scheduled, but thankfully the green goop that they smeared over it after the healing spells were done left the welt blissfully cool and numb.

The doctors told me it was a healing salve meant to complete the repairs of my body that the restorative spells they cast had started, and I figured I might as well just take their word for it. To be honest the whole ‘healing salve’ thing sounded like it’d come straight out of World of Warcraft, but I did have an entire body’s worth of small scratches and cuts that had been healed over a matter of hours when I’d first been admitted here, so I guess it must’ve had something going for it.

Surprisingly, I found that the doctors and nurses were all remarkably professional and calm throughout my stay there, given the fact that they were caring for a strange new creature they’d never encountered before in their lives. I’d received only a couple of wide-eyed stares, but those hadn’t lasted longer than a few seconds before they promptly carried out the rest of their duties, professionally proceeding on with the checkups and tests before declaring me completely recovered three days later.

And thank God for that - I was starting to go crazy with the hospital food I’d been getting. I mean I wasn’t exactly expecting a five star palate, but seriously, gelatin cubes? Spinach and broccoli? Nuts and beans? Three days straight of nothing but vegetarian meals for me were more than I cared to go through, and when the doctors told me that I’d be ready to be discharged the following day, I nearly cried out in relief.

When the morning came that Applejack was supposed to pick me up from the hospital, I already had my gear stowed and my bag packed with almost indecent haste before the sun had even risen. There seemed to be only one thing missing - the metal chain of Twilight’s cutie mark I’d been wearing across my neck, but through the exhaustion of my panicked exit from the Everfree, I’d completely lost track of it and wouldn’t have been surprised if it turned out to have somehow come loose during my mad dash out of the forest.

Still, it was a minor thing, and I didn’t spare it a second thought - there were way worse things to lose than a simple metal chain I’d gotten customized for myself. Moving on to the rest of my gear, I’d been tightening the straps on my vest and pulling on my hiking gloves when the door to my ward swung open, and Applejack stepped inside. The orange mare took one look at me, clad fully in black, toting a shotgun and a magnum, festooned with all manner of miscellaneous equipment, and I could tell she was already smothering a grin.

“Yeah, ah can see now why Rainbow Dash would’a thought you were some sorta bad guy.” She remarked mirthfully. “At first ah thought she was just pullin’ mah leg, but ah see what she means now.”

“If you think I look scary right now, you should’ve seen me when I’d just come out of the Everfree,” I replied wryly as I shouldered my pack and the shotgun, kicking the footlocker closed. “Covered in dirt and grime, and probably splattered with that timber wolf’s sap stuff as well - I’m not surprised Fluttershy just ran away at first sight.”

“Eh, ah wouldn’t say ‘scary’.” There was just a hint of playful mirth in her voice as she gave me a sardonic grin. “More like, ‘ten miles of bad road’. It’d still probably be enough to send her scamperin’, though.”

We shared a hearty laugh at that, finding myself agreeing with what she said - I did pretty much look like hell once I’d gotten out of the forest, and I for one was pretty glad to finally be wearing clean clothes and not covered in all sorts of forest detritus for once.

After that, we moved on to business - I followed her out of the ward and through the corridors of the hospital, eventually reaching the reception counter where she settled the rest of the paperwork needed for my dischargement. We passed by several doors on the way there, but thankfully all of them were closed - it was still an ungodly hour in the morning (six-a.m., according to the wall clock that I spied above the receptionist’s desk), and many of the patients still had their doors to their wards shut for privacy’s sake.

“So,” Applejack started as the receptionist continued shuffling papers around in front of us. “You never really said anything about who you are or where you’re from, Joe. Care to fill me in a little?"

Now that I was standing next to her, I could take proper stock of the differences in our heights, and only then I realized that she was actually about five feet tall standing on all four legs, instead of the four feet I’d expected. The top of her head only just reached my chin, and Applejack had to look upwards at me as she talked. The effect was mildly disconcerting; back home, I was usually the one looking up at people to talk to them, given the fact that I was often the shortest one around.

“Well, there’s honestly not much to tell.” I shrugged as I tried to deflect the question - if I answered in earnest, the resulting infodump was probably going to fly right over her head anyway. Twilight would be able to absorb the information far better, but for Applejack, it’d probably be better if I kept it simple. “I wasn’t really anybody significant back where I came from - just another guy amongst the masses in the country I lived in. I wasn’t ever really famous or anything.”

“So you’re just some average guy?” Applejack looked somehow skeptical as she reached out and took the sheaf of papers that the receptionist handed her, placing them in the small saddlepouch that she wore on her side. “Do average guys from your country all have crazy jungle survival skills that let ‘em survive in the Everfree for days on end, then?”

I nearly snorted, but managed to suppress the impolite noise and just grinned instead, following her as we began walking to the glass doors that led to the hospital’s exit. “Well, when you put it that way... Nah, not really. I did have some military training in my country’s army and got commissioned as an officer for a while, but that was just for two years of National Service, and it didn't really stick."

"Military trainin’?" The blonde cowpony raised an eyebrow as we strode through the doors. "You mean you were in the Royal Guards or somethin'?"

"Not... quite," I chuckled. "My country didn't have a Royal Guard per se, but I was in the army for a couple of-" I stopped right in my tracks as I realized just what we were walking towards, and a questioning finger made its way up. "Uh, Applejack? What's with the wagon and the tarp?"

Applejack looked at me as though I were stupid, and continued walking towards the wagon that was positively laden with apple baskets, boxes, and had a large, white tarp covering about half of the wagon’s top. “What, you thought just cuz it’s six in the mornin’, other ponies won’t be up and about? Ah ain’t the only early riser ‘round these parts, Joe. Twi’ said we have ta keep you outta sight for now, and if anypony asks why we’re totin’ about such a huge cart so early in the mornin’... Well, honestly, ah suck at lyin’, but now’s about the time’a day that we finished stockin’ up our apple stall in the Ponyville market, so at least we’ll have a good excuse. Ain’t that right, Big Mac?”

“Eeeyup.” I nearly jumped as a resonant baritone replied from somewhere behind the cart, and a second later a crimson giant of a stallion came striding around the side of the wagon, walking up to me. Big Macintosh’s stone-silent gaze travelled over me as I felt him eye me critically, and I found myself staring up, agog, at the stallion that towered over me.

In hindsight I should’ve been mentally prepared for it, even if I was seeing him for the first time in the flesh, but at the same time holy geez he was just so freakin’ huge. Mac had to have been at least a full foot taller than his sister, which put him at almost half a foot taller than me, and the sheer amount of mass he was packing on his massively muscled frame meant that even his shoulders looked like they were broader than mine. There sure as hell was nothing little about this pony.

“So,” Applejack’s older brother began in an even tone. “Yer the one mah sister’s pickin’ up?”

It took me a couple of moments to get my mouth working, and after a few seconds I finally managed to remember the process of moving the lips and the tongue that one generally needed to form words. “Uh... Yeah, that’d be me.”

The big stallion snorted - or at least, it sounded like he snorted, but for all I knew that could’ve been just him exhaling rather loudly through those nostrils of his. A tiny corner of his mouth quirked upward, and he extended a hoof. “Pleasure. Name’s Big Mac.”

“Joseph.” I replied equally simply, giving his foreleg a firm hand/hoofshake, I wasn’t quite sure which to call it. I figured that Mac wasn’t one for idle pleasantries, so I decided to skip straight to business. “So, I guess I’m gonna be hiding in the cart while you two bring it back to the farm, right?”

“Eeeyup,” The crimson giant nodded, and that was all he said for the rest of the morning. He gestured for me to get on the cart, and I clambered aboard with an ill amount of grace. Setting my pack down next to my side amongst a veritable forest of boxes and baskets, I crouched down on one knee to face Applejack as she came around in front of me.

“Okay, you’re gonna need to stay under one of these boxes, and the tarp’ll cover everythin’ else, so there’ll be little to no chance somepony’ll be able to see you underneath all that,” She told me. “Ah picked out one that should be big enough to hide you and your stuff under it, so just stay under it and everythin’ should go just fine.”

“Hide under a box and hope they don’t notice me, eh?” I grinned mostly to myself, briefly being reminded of the times I’d played Metal Gear Solid. I wonder if the box would be made out of cardboard? “Can’t say I don’t have any experience in that. So where’s that box you picked out for me?”

AJ glanced at me bemusedly, as though she couldn’t quite decide if I was taking the frak, and she reached to the side and dragged out a wooden crate that could have easily held an entire drum set with room to spare. “Right here.”

I eyed the thing critically, trying to envision myself fitting into that, but even after several seconds I couldn’t deny that I would probably still be able to stay seated under the crate with my pack, and remain comfortable while doing so. Shrugging, I lifted one end of the crate upwards and brought it over myself, depositing my rump down on the wooden surface of the cart while letting the crate fall over me, encasing me in dank, chill darkness.

“All right, looks good,” I heard AJ say encouragingly from beyond the four wooden walls surrounding me. “Ah can’t even tell you’re in there. Now, just stay there and stay quiet - ah reckon it’ll take us half an hour to get to the farm, and once we’re there we’ll come to get ya out.”

“Just don’t forget about me and we’ll be fine,” I quipped, and I heard a chuckle from the other side before silence ensued. There was a brief rustling of cloth, and whatever little light that still managed to seep in through the cracks in the crate was blotted out - that would be the tarp, then. Applejack had no doubt covered the crates up, and any second now we’d be off.

True to form, a couple of seconds later I felt the wagon lurch into motion, and I settled back against the side of the crate, leaning my head against it and closing my eyes. The journey was no doubt going to take a while, and despite the wagon’s jerkiness, I figured I might as well catch some extra shuteye while I still could.

Of course, I could’ve done without the spine-jarring impacts from the wagon rolling over potholes in the road every few minutes, but then again, beggars couldn’t be choosers, right?

---

“Joe?” *knock knock knock* “Hey, Joe, wake up in there! We’re here!”

“Huh guh buh wha?” I muttered blearily as my eyes snapped open, trying to blink them back into focus. “I’m awake, I’m awake. What is it?”

“Ah said we’re here,” The voice from outside wherever the hell I was replied with a hint of bemusement, and when the walls lifted up from around me I remembered that I’d dozed off inside the crate while waiting for the wagon to reach Sweet Apple Acres. Rolling my head around and discovering that I’d acquired an entirely new set of stiff joints, I let out a groan and stumbled off the wagon, grabbing my pack while grumbling underneath my breath the entire way. Applejack gave me a bemused look as I stumbled drunkenly around for a moment trying to find my feet, and once I seemed to have regained some semblance of balance she and Mac came up to either side of me as we walked up to the wooden fence gate that undoubtedly led up to the farm.

“Gotta say, we don’t usually get visitors ‘round here,” The farmfilly remarked as she unlatched the gate and pushed it open, Mac dragging the rest of the wagon behind him as we went on through. “Only time we ever expect to see other ponies ‘round these parts is during cider season, but other than that, it’s just us and the rest of the girls. Still, ah gave the rest of the family a heads up that ya’ll would be comin’ up here to join us, so they shouldn’t be too surprised to see ya.”

“The rest of the family, eh? They’ll probably be pretty surprised once they realize I’m something they’ve never seen in their lives before,” I riposted wryly as the rest of my brain booted up and chased the remnants of sleep away. I shook my head as full wakefulness returned to me, but the sudden return of clarity to my thoughts made me awkwardly realize that I was actually still armed, and I fingered the .44 and the shotgun nervously. “Hey, you figure I should put these guns away or something first before I introduce myself?”

Applejack turned to look at me confusedly for a second, before she realized what I was talking about. “Oh, ya mean those weird stick thingies that you’re carryin’.” The blonde cowpony shrugged, evidently not thinking very much of weapons that could very loudly and very violently end a life instantly from as far as several dozen yards away. “Well, odds are they won’t think too much of it, and as much as Rainbow Dash is tryin’ ta convince me that ya used one of these ‘gun’ thingies to kill a giant timber wolf, ah still find it kinda hard ta believe. It still don’t look like much of a weapon to me.”

“That’s because you haven’t seen it in action yet.” I shot her a dry grin. “And trust me, you don’t want to, because if things get bad enough that I have to pull these bad boys out, that’d mean the shit’s already hit the fan.”

Applejack looked oddly at me at the figure of speech, probably not getting it, but her expression still remained skeptical nonetheless. “Well, if ya say so, pal. But ah, word to the wise? Don’t let mah sister Applebloom anywhere near ‘em - ah don’t want her gettin’ any ideas on where she might get her next cutie mark. Not to mention that tinkerin' around with stuff that belongs to you and she just might break ain’t something ah want happenin’ on my watch. Y’know, Apple hospitality and all.”

“Got it.” I nodded simply as we stepped up onto the wooden porch and in front of the door. Mac stayed behind for a bit to unhitch the wagon from his yoke, and Applejack simply pushed the door open and strode right through, beckoning for me to follow her inside.

“Granny! We’re home! And we brought the guest back!” Applejack called out as we walked into the living room. Looking around, I had to say that I was actually rather impressed - the Apples had one heck of a spacious living room, and all the furniture was made out of well-worn wood, the couches topped with large, comfortable cushions that looked like I’d have to climb my way out of them the moment I sat down. The table was huge, big enough to seat a family three times as large as the Apples had now - which made sense, given how they’d need the space to accommodate the rest of the Apple clan when the rest of the extended family came over for the family reunion. Pictures decorated the little side tables that had been placed here and there, all of the members of the Apple clan in various poses and situations.

That was all I managed to take in before I heard an aged, cracked voice reply from upstairs. But despite the apparent age in the voice, there was no mistaking the steady power and underlying unyielding strength that thrummed in it. Granny Smith had the timbre of someone who had watched the decades pass by, seen the changes they had wrought upon the world, and went ‘meh’.

“Ah hear ya - be right down in a jiffy!” The unmistakable voice of the matriarch of the Apple clan echoed out from the upper floor. A few seconds later there was the slow but steady sound of hooffalls against wood, and Granny Smith came ambling down the stairs to meet us.

The wizened mare walked up to us, giving me an appraising look as she approached, and a few seconds later she nodded as though I’d passed some sort of unseen test. “Well, sonny, you got the look of someone who’s seen his fair share of hardship. Ah can always respect that in somepony. When lil’ Applejack told me she was bringin’ someone over from one’a the neighbourin’ lands, ah never thought ah’d see somethin’ like ya. Come to think of it, ah’ve never seen anything like ya’ll in all of my years. Pray tell, sonny - what exactly are ya?”

Neighbouring lands? I fought to keep my face neutral, lest a raised eyebrow give anything away. Well, technically it was kind of true - I certainly wasn’t from the land of Equestria, that was for sure. And AJ didn’t really know about where exactly I’d come from, so she couldn’t really lie about something she didn’t know - for all she knew, I could really have come from some distant land from the Unknown Regions Twilight had mentioned they hadn’t mapped yet.

“I’m a human, from a land from what Applejack’s friend Twilight called the Unknown Regions. My name’s Joseph Ryan,” I replied smoothly. “Truth be told I’m not really sure how I got here into Equestria, but wherever I came from definitely isn’t anywhere on the Equestrian map. Believe me, I checked.”

That much was definitely true, at least - I’d gotten my hands on a few books regarding Equestrian geography during my brief stay at the hospital, and while I was still a long way from deciphering their long, flowing, alien script, I didn’t need to be able to read in order to recognize the shapes of landmasses on a map. Equestria was surrounded on all sides by foreign nations and territories as well, though I couldn’t read any of their names, and the Unknown Regions lay far beyond its borders. The landmasses I’d seen however didn’t correspond to anything I knew of on any map of Earth, leaving very little doubt that I was no longer on my home planet.

Granny Smith looked as though she was about to snort when she heard me say I was human, but to her credit she managed to keep a straight face. Instead, she just gave me a look that was uncannily similar to the one that I’d seen AJ giving me when she’d first met me at the hospital, and she nodded after a second, giving me a warm smile. “Well then, ah guess that’d make ya lost as all hay now, wouldn’t it, Joseph? Ya must be a really long way from home, sonny. Why don’t ya make yourself at home first, put yer hooves up and take a break? Ah’ll discuss the rest of the arrangements with Applejack here.”

"Granny's right, why don't ya take a seat?" Applejack gestured at one of the couches. “Ah’ll get Big Mac to show ya to the guest bedroom once we’re done here.”

“Guest bedroom?” I let out a huge mock sigh of relief. “Phew, and here I thought I was going to be crashing in the barn.”

The little quip elicited a snicker from the farmfilly, and she gave me a lighthearted grin. “Well, if ya want to stay in there instead, we could always arrange that...”

“It’s fine, it’s fine!” I shook my head frantically, holding my hands up with an innocent smile on my face. “I’m totally cool with the guest bedroom!”

“That’s what ah thought.” AJ snickered, and she walked out with Granny Smith to the porch where Big Mac was waiting. Left to my own devices in the living room, I figured I might as well put my feet up while I still could, and I settled down on the ridiculously soft upholstery of the couch, dumping my pack down on the floor next to me. Leaning my head back against the cushions, I’d decided to close my eyes just for a couple of seconds when a slight prod on my leg prompted me to open them again.

I looked down, and damn if I didn’t see the most adorable thing that came within inches of giving me a spontaneous heart attack. Applebloom was standing next to me, the filly’s wide, curious eyes looking up with dozens of unspoken questions floating around behind them, and she looked just about ready to unleash a veritable flood of queries.

“Um, ‘scuse me, mister?” Well, to her credit, she seemed to be starting it off fairly restrained, but if only because for all of her questions, she seemed to have no idea where to begin. “Are ya... Are ya the human that mah friends and ah ran into at the orchard?”

I saw no reason to try and bullshit the poor kid - she looked just about as earnestly curious as a puppy would be about anything. So I simply nodded, and replied, “Yeah, I am.”

“And Applejack says yer gonna be stayin’ with us for a while?” The filly sounded almost... hopeful. Just what was she thinking of anyway?

“Seems like it.” I shrugged. “At least, until we can figure out what the next step is. But I guess I’m going to be here for more than just a few days.”

“Oh,” Applebloom said, looking more weapons-grade adorable than she had any right to be. “Well, ah was just wonderin’... Ah mean, mah friends Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo didn’t really believe me when ah said it, but you really are a human, aren’t ya?”

“Last time I checked, I was,” I replied with a dry grin, trying to keep myself from snorting. God, that answer was something so was painfully obvious to myself that I couldn’t imagine giving any other kind, save for the sole purpose of messing with her head. Still, I didn’t troll people just for shit and giggles - most of the time, at least - so I decided to just answer her straight up. That, and I had to keep up the image that I was a complete newcomer here, so I decided to go through the motions of meeting someone I’d never seen in my life. “And you are...?”

“Mah name’s Applebloom!” The little filly answered enthusiastically, evidently warming up now that the conversation had gotten going. “What’s yours?”

“Joseph Ryan, but just call me Joe,” I replied, smiling to put her at ease more than anything else. “Most of my friends do, anyway.”

“All right, nice ta meetcha, Joe!” Applebloom beamed cheerfully, leaping up onto the couch to take a seat next to me. “Wow, it’s just... ah never thought ah’d meet a real, live human in mah lifetime before! ‘Fore this, mah sister always told me humans were supposed to be mythical creatures!”

“That so?” Ah, now I got it. If I was reading this right, I was in a situation where I was being faced with the pony equivalent of a little girl realizing that unicorns were real by straight up meeting one. Applebloom was definitely going to be in a positively gushing mood and be very ready to volunteer information, what with being faced with one of her childhood fantasies and all. “What do they say about us humans in the myths?”

“Well... ah actually never read much about ‘em...” Applebloom remarked sheepishly. “And Applejack never told me a lot about ‘em, so ah don’t think she knows either. Ah only know that ya’ll are supposed ta be really powerful and really rare, somethin’ that still roamed Equestria back when the world had just begun, alongside the Princesses!”

Ah ha! Fandom, eat your heart out! That’s one piece of headcanon I just knew was right! So apparently, humans were just as mythological to Equestrians as unicorns and pegasi were to us - God, I really should’ve seen this one coming. I tried to suppress the internal guffaws that threatened to claw their way out, and barely managed to keep a straight face. Luckily, the little filly was too busy gushing to notice the little slip of my facial expression, and she continued straight on as though nothing had happened. “Golly, but ah’ve got so many questions! Are ya really that powerful? Are the myths true? Didja really walk with the Princesses when the world started?”

“Ah see you and mah sister are gettin’ along just fine.” Applejack’s voice suddenly cut in from behind us, mercifully sparing me from answering an undoubtedly unending barrage of questions. No doubt she’d had to rein in her overenthusiastic little sister in dozens of similar occasions, but the grin in her voice told me that it wasn’t something she’d get tired of anytime soon. “Applebloom, don’t disturb him too much now! He’s a guest in our house, so treat ‘im with the respect you’d give ta me, Big Mac, or Granny. Now go outside, Mac needs some help with the wagon. Ah gotta get our friend here settled in.”

“Yes, Applejack,” Applebloom intoned reluctantly in something that hinted the reply was more automatic than anything else, and she hopped off the couch, turning to give me just one final glance. “It was nice talkin’ to ya, mister Joseph! Maybe one day ah’ll bring mah friends over, and you can meet the rest of the crusaders!”

I masterfully hid the wince that the thought brought, and I simply waved cheerfully as the young filly trotted off. Only when she was out of sight did I let the wince out, and Applejack visibly held back her laughter as she caught sight of my expression.

“Aw, c’mon, Joe, they ain’t so bad once ya get to know ‘em,” The farmfilly remarked as she walked up next to me. “Those three get up to all sorts’a wacky adventures all the time. If anythin’, you’ll never be bored with them around.”

“God spare me from that,” I sighed. As adorable as the crusaders were to watch, I was terrible in dealing with kids, and being drawn into their shenanigans was just about the last thing I wanted to do. “I’m just not good with kids.”

Applejack gave me a strange glance, and upon catching my expression she looked slightly sympathetic. “Ya don’t like kids?”

“I don’t dislike them, per se,” I answered. “I’m just not comfortable in dealing with them, that’s all. They can be quite a handful sometimes, and it’s really hard to communicate with someone who just isn’t quite thinking on the same level of experience and maturity as you are.”

The cowpony looked at me thoughtfully for a second, as though trying to puzzle something out. “Yer full’a surprises, aren’t ya, Joe? Ah never figured you’d be one to use words big as the ones that Twilight usually does. Dash wouldn’t hesitate ta call ya an egghead if she ever heard ya talkin’ like that.”

“Well, you learn something new every day,” I replied idly as I got to my feet, shouldering my pack. “So, where’s that guest bedroom you said I’d be staying in?”

“Right over here.” Applejack beckoned for me to follow her, and I walked after her as she led the way through the house. As we walked through the place, I realized just how freakin’ big their house was. I’d spent most of my childhood years growing up in a three-story bungalow, and the size of the Apple household easily gave my childhood home a run for its money. We passed by a few other rooms in the corridor on the way, and when Applejack opened up the door, I poked my head inside to see a room that was nearly twice the size of the bedroom in my apartment in America.

“Well, I’ll be.” I let out a long, appreciative whistle as I stepped inside the room, taking in the generously large full-sized bed, the large wardrobe dresser that stood in the corner, and the small dressing table to the side. Given how rarely I figured the guest room was actually used, the place seemed remarkably free of dust and cobwebs. “Yeah, this’ll do just fine indeed. Hey, does anyone else use this room regularly? This place seems rather well-kept.”

“Rainbow Dash actually comes over to crash every now and then... sometimes literally,” Applejack replied, eliciting a surprised arch of an eyebrow from me, and when she caught sight of my expression she began to explain. “Her trainin’ brings her flyin’ all over the place, and more often than not her stunt practice leads her to start usin’ our orchard as a makeshift obstacle course. Ah keep tellin’ her that it’s an accident just waitin’ ta happen, but the girl never listens. So, every time she bumps or scrapes against one of them trees at those speeds she usually goes at, poor girl ends up with one hay of a bruise on her wing. So we bring her in, fix her up good as new, and let her sleep it off for a while in the guest room.”

“Damn,” I winced. “How often does it happen?”

“Once every couple weeks, tops.” Applejack shrugged. “After the first couple times it happened, Mac figured we might as well keep the room ready at all times in case she has another ‘accident’.”

“Guess that just makes me lucky at her expense, then,” I not-quite chortled as I stepped inside to inspect the rest of the room. After looking around for a few seconds, I was satisfied with what I saw and nodded approvingly, setting my pack down next to the bed. “Okay, this will do nicely. So, what am I going to be spending my days doing here? I guess Twilight is looking into helping me find a way back, right?”

“Well, that’s what she said she’d do, so ah reckon that what she’ll be doin’.” Applejack shrugged as though that ended the discussion right there and then. “But then there’s the matter of what you will be doin’ while she’s workin’ on it.”

“Well, if you need me to help out on the farm to earn a keep here, I’m totally all right with that.” I decided to pre-empt her, and felt a surge of satisfaction as she gave me a surprised look, seemingly astonished that I’d said exactly what she was thinking. “What, you didn’t think I was some kind of freeloader, did you? Besides, if I spent my days here doing absolutely nothing constructive, I’d go nuts with boredom. Helping out with some grunt work is something I don’t mind doing at all.”

The farmer let out a sigh of relief, and she wiped at her brow. “Well, glad yer volunteerin’ then - spares me the trouble of havin’ ta convince you to do it. Ah was afraid ya weren’t gonna be agreeable to it, what with havin’ just gotten outta the hospital and all.”

“Yeah, well, I figure I’ve been sitting on my ass for a little too long already,” I remarked blithely. “Three days of doing nothing but lying in bed is more than enough to get me stir crazy; I can already feel my body telling me to get off my ass and get moving.”

My last sentence was colored with a liberal smattering of whimsical self-deprecation to ease the mood, and Applejack let out a little snicker. “Well, ah won’t bore ya with the details too soon then. Ah’ll give ya a day to get settled in, get yer bearings an’ all, but after that, yer gonna have to get to work along with the rest of us. Ah’ll tell ya what yer chores are gonna be tomorrow, sound good?”

“Never better.” I gave the mare a thumbs up, and she eyed the gesture oddly before giving me an amused look.

“All right then, ah’ll see ya tomorrow mornin’, Joe. Ah gotta head out to continue with the harvest, but ‘Bloom and Granny will still be around ta fix up lunch and dinner for ya.” Applejack turned to walk out, pausing only to give one last piece of advice. “Oh, and try to get an early night’s sleep, alright? Us Apples tend to get up at the crack of dawn around here, and ah wouldn’t want us to have ta drag ya outta bed to join the rest of us.”

“Reveille at 0500 hours, got it.” I grinned insouciantly as I called out after her, and only when she was well out of sight and earshot did I let my expression fall and the grin turn into a reluctant scowl.

Great, now I was starting to regret having volunteered my assistance so readily. I treasured whatever hours I got to spend snoozing it off, and if I’d known just what kind of schedule I was getting myself into, you could bet I would have been a lot less ready to speak up.

Geez, the only time I’d ever had to consistently wake at the crack of dawn every morning was when I’d been in the army - once I’d finished the obligatory two years of service, it had been right back to sleeping in until nine a.m., which was still kind of a luxurious hour to me. That extra four hours of shut-eye made an entire world of difference for me, and knowing that I was going to have to spend the next several weeks here dragging myself out of bed when the sun hadn’t even risen yet was more than enough to put a damper on my mood.

Of course, now that I had already volunteered my assistance, I very well couldn’t back out of it now without severely undermining my already positive standing with the rest of the Apples, Applejack in particular. The farmpony seemed to be the one amongst the six that I was getting along with the best right now, and gaining her trust would help me in making huge strides to earning the trust of the rest of them as well - Rainbow Dash in particular. That chromatic mare was going to be a problematic one, that was for sure, but if there was one thing I was pretty damned sure about, it was that if you made friends with one of them, you made friends with all of them. And the more friends I had around here, the greater my chances of survival were in case anything went pear-shaped.

“All right, suck it up, Joe. They’ve already been kind enough to let you stay here and provide food and shelter. The least you can do is pay them back for it,” I muttered truculently to myself, opening up my backpack and beginning to unpack my things. “Things could be much, much worse right now. At least nobody else apart from a few of them know you’re here, right? Just lie low for a while, and everything will eventually turn out just fine.”

At least, that was what I kept telling myself as I plugged in my earphones, humming to the tunes of Guns & Roses and AC/DC as I unpacked. But if I’d known just who my existence was about to be made known to, I can tell you, I’d have been feeling a lot less sanguine about my situation throughout the rest of the day.

---

The room was quiet, save for the quick, frantic scratching of a quill against parchment. Upon completion of its latest sentence, the quill raised itself from the paper, dipping itself in a nearby inkpot to renew itself, before it lowered itself to scribble upon the parchment once more, surrounded as it always was by a bright magenta glow.

Twilight Sparkle’s lips pursed thoughtfully as she read over her letter again, and she lowered the quill to the side, dipping it in a small pot of nearby water to wash off the excess ink before putting it aside. Her signature aura wrapped itself around the letter as it neatly rolled itself up into a scroll, and she tied it together fastidiously with a red string, placing her personal wax seal upon it to mark it as an urgent missive.

“Spike!” The young librarian called out, turning towards her door. “Spike, where are you? I need you to help me send a message to the Princess!”

The dragonling in question however was downstairs in the kitchen, still nursing his cup of morning coffee, and when he looked up from his breakfast at the table, his expression was truculent enough to have given pause to even the surliest griffon.

“For Celestia’s sake, it’s only eight in the morning!” Spike grumbled as he picked up the last of his gem-encrusted sandwich and stuffed it into his mouth, chewing with rather more force than was necessary as he washed it down with the last of his coffee, hopping off his chair to attend to his surrogate sister. “All right, all right, I’m coming already! Geez, couldn’t it have waited, like, another five minutes? I was in the middle of breakfast!”

“Sorry about that.” Twilight grinned sheepishly as Spike strode through the door dourly, already reaching a clawed hand out for the aforementioned scroll, and she levitated it into his waiting grip. “It’s just kind of urgent - I’ve only just managed to finish writing it, and the Princess needs to know about this as soon as possible.”

“Is this about that human thing you and Rainbow Dash found just outside the library?” Spike asked, and when Twilight nodded he could only sigh in resignation. “All right then, I’ll get right on it.”

The young dragon took in a deep breath, and when he blew it out it came in a small but steady stream of emerald-green fire that consumed the scroll, converting it into a wisp of similarly colored arcane energy that sent itself spiralling out the open window and into the sky beyond. Twilight watched the message as it departed, and Spike couldn’t help but notice the way she was nervously biting onto her lip.

“Err, Twilight?” He inquired concernedly. “You all right?”

“No... Not really, Spike,” The lavender-furred unicorn admitted after a beat, and she turned around to face her shelves, scanning the books that lay upon them. “Joseph is a mystery, there’s no doubt about that, but while I’m quite sure he’s harmless himself, I think his arrival here carries implications that we haven’t even thought to grasp yet. I’ve been scouring all the shelves for the past three days trying to find any material I can regarding humans, but all I’ve been able to come up with are vague references and half-completed tales! I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something here... something really big.”

“His name is Joseph?” Spike asked incredulously, as though that was the only thing he managed to make sense out of from his adopted sister’s logorrhea. “Well, it certainly sounds like a weird one. So, what did you say was the problem again?”

Something twitched in Twilight’s eyebrow, but she masterfully controlled her reaction as she turned to face her assistant again. “I’m saying that I’ve reached my wits’ end trying to figure this out! I need the Princess’ help - only she would know what to do in this case now. Never mind the fact that I can barely even figure out what he is or where he came from, I can’t even begin to figure out how we’re going to help him find his way back!”

“... Oh.” Spike’s only reaction was to shrug. “So you are going to try to help him find a way back?”

“It’s the only logical course of action.” The young librarian sighed as she slumped down onto a nearby chair. “He’s an outsider here, and I’m quite sure he doesn’t want anything more than to return home either. I just don’t know how to do it on my own... which is why I’m asking the Princess for help.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Spike raised a questioning eyebrow. “I mean, judging from how little you’ve told me of this guy, I guess you’re trying to help him keep a low profile - is letting the Princess know about him going to help that?”

“She’ll definitely keep it a secret. She’d certainly understand the need for discretion... Especially when it concerns something as far-reaching as a creature arriving in our world from the Unknown Regions,” Twilight said gravely as she turned to look out the window again, as though it would speed the missive further on its way to Celestia. “The implications of this are something that will affect not just ponykind, but the other nations and races of Equus as well! I just can’t shake the feeling that something huge is about to go down; something big enough to shake the foundations of Equestria itself... and he’s only a tiny part of it.”

The look that Spike gave his surrogate sister suggested that he thought she’d been staying up one too many nights in a row and had acquired the accompanying crazy that came with severe sleep deprivation, but after a moment he decided to chalk it up to her characteristic nervousness regarding anything that was unknown to her. “Right... and what exactly gave you that idea?”

“Just... a hunch. It’s a gut feeling I have, I can’t particularly describe it,” Twilight shook her head cryptically. “But I just know it.”

“Uh... huh...” At this point Spike was starting to get the hint that there was something Twilight wasn’t telling him, and he looked at her thoughtfully. “You know... You seem to be remarkably calm about this, considering how you used to freak out over even the littlest things before, like those reports you had to send to the Princess ‘regularly’.”

The young scholar let out a giggle, and unexpectedly she suddenly drew her adopted little brother in for a hug. “That’s because I’ve got you to help me keep everything in check, number one assistant. That, and I learned my lesson from that incident with the Smarty Pants doll - I certainly don’t want to repeat that again.”

“Darn right you don’t.” Spike let out a laugh and a grudging grin as Twilight released him, his mind taken off the issue of what was bothering her - if she was still relaxed enough for insouciance, then she was certainly going to be fine. “I guess you finally learned to lighten up a bit, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess I have.” Twilight smiled, but to tell the truth, it was more of a mask than anything else. It took all of her willpower to keep the nagging doubt and nervousness that she was feeling from showing on her face as Spike walked out, and only when the door to her room closed again did she look back at the drawer in her desk, where the source of her anxiety lay.

It was the one thing she hadn’t told Spike about, and was exactly why she had gotten that premonition that Joseph wasn’t telling them everything, and something huge was about to go down. Magicking the drawer open and drawing the item out, she levitated it before her as she eyed it pensively, unable to quell the nagging sense of disquiet that worried at her the more she looked at it.

After all, just how could a creature, hailing from the Unknown Regions and never having been in Equestria before, much less know anything about it, have a metal chain in its possession that was carved in the exact same shape of her cutie mark?

The implications chilled her to the core, and she immediately shut away the pendant and all thought associated with it, all but shoving the drawer closed as she sought to quickly put it away.

Let the Princess look into it when she got here - Celestia would know what to do.

---

Dear Princess Celestia,

I don’t even know how to begin to describe this, but something very, very strange has just happened. I have tried to puzzle this out on my own, believe me, I have, but after I exhausted all my avenues of information, I felt the need to bring this to your attention. This is something the likes of which I have never encountered before.

You remember how I always used to have questions about the Unknown Regions, correct? How I always spent days and nights on end hunting through every book in the Royal Archives for any details about them that might have been documented?

I think you’d also remember how my searches would turn up absolutely nothing, and I would spend the following days bemoaning the fact to you over a glass of milkshake during the tea study breaks before I moved to Ponyville, but that’s besides the point. The point is, Princess, I think I’ve just encountered something from the Unknown Regions!

He, and I am quite positive that it’s a he, claims to be a human, and calls himself ‘Joseph’, his full name being ‘Joseph Ryan Ang’. The places that he said he was from, I have never heard of anything like their names before, and it led me to conclude that he does indeed hail from the lands beyond the regions that have been mapped on our world.

He seems to be relatively harmless so far though, and right now he’s staying with Applejack at Sweet Apple Acres while we try to figure out our next step in helping him find his way home. Everything that he’s shown us so far indicates that he is of no threat to us, and he wants nothing more than to return to his homeland, but I can’t just can’t shake the feeling that he’s hiding something from us.

It isn’t just an unfounded gut feeling I’m having - I found something that serves as evidence. He has a metal chain with a pendant that should be impossible for him to have, Princess. He’s from the Unknown Regions, and he claims to have no knowledge of Equestria, but the pendant on his chain is carved in the shape of the Element of Magic! My Cutie Mark! There is something that he isn’t telling us, and the implications of that chill me to the core.

We don’t know what’s out there in the Unknown Regions, Princess. There’s no way I can possibly verify whether or not whatever he’s telling us is true, and if it is, I scarcely dare think of what the implications might be.

I fear that something momentous is afoot, and Joseph is but a tiny part of things to come. Princess, I urge you to come to Ponyville at the soonest opportunity to see this for yourself, or at the very least, to send someone in your stead. I feel that this is something you are going to have to see with your own eyes.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

---

Celestia’s eyes narrowed as she took in the last of the letter, and she set it aside on the table next to her as her expression set itself into a grim, stony mask. The diarch’s horn sparked, and in a flash of golden energy she disappeared from her chambers, reappearing a split-second later in an entirely separate tower, the room around her decorated in swathes of midnight blue and dark purple, a stark contrast to the whites and sky blues that her own chamber’s decor consisted of.

Not wasting a moment, the alicorn princess of the sun strode towards the humongous king-sized bed that lay in the centre of the room, and gently nudged the pony-shaped mound that lay underneath the sheets.

“Hmm? Who’s ther- … ‘Tia?” A muffled, confused voice answered from beneath the satin sheets as it stirred, and after a moment a head of midnight blue fur and an ethereal mane dotted with floating stars emerged, her mane dishevelled as she let out a yawn. “Is something the matter? I have only retired just mere hours ago, the night before was most exhausting...”

“Rise, my sister,” Celestia spoke softly but seriously. “Dire portents are afoot. I have received word most unexpected from my student, and I need you by my side.”

“Twilight Sparkle?” Luna’s enunciation became clearer as she blinked the remnants of sleep out of her system, and she slid out of her bed effortlessly, slipping smoothly into the role of the second diarch of Equestria, the princess of the moon. “You received dire portents from her? What foulness is afoot now? Has there been word of a disaster of some sort?”

“No... Not news of that sort.” The sun princess shook her head, and in a tiny flash of gold the letter from Twilight that she had set aside earlier appeared floating in the air next to her, levitating towards Luna. “Read this, and you will understand.”

Her brow furrowing in confusion, Luna nevertheless reached out to take the letter and unfurled it, her eyes rapidly moving left to right as she scanned the contents of the scroll. By the time she reached the end her eyes were nearly as wide as the namesake moon that she bore upon her cutie mark, and she looked at Celestia with a stupefied expression.

“‘Tis true, then?” The lunar diarch’s voice was but a mere whisper, slipping slightly into her old ways of speaking ancient Equestrian as shock colored her voice. “Hast he returned?”

“I do not know, sister.” Celestia shook her head again. “We both knew how unlikely that would be, when we left the Old World behind in the Unknown Regions. But it is possible that some form of his legacy came to live on when we left. If this Joseph truly does hail from the Unknown Regions, perhaps he might have answers as to what happened to our erstwhile protector.”

“I see...” Luna pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Should we prepare the Ardent Dawn to receive him, then?”

“No, it is still too soon. We still don’t know enough about him, and he is too much of an unknown quantity. He needs to be... evaluated.”

Luna took one look at her sister’s face, and she immediately took a step back. “‘Tia... I do not like the expression ‘pon your countenance. You are thinking of going down to take a look for yourself and then bringing the human back to Canterlot, aren’t you?”

“I know that you disagree with such a course of action, Luna.” Celestia sighed. Her sister always had been of the opinion that they, the ruling diarchs of the Principality of Equestria, were not meant to appear in public unless it was for nothing less than a significant event such as a festival, accompanied by the obligatory full-blown public ceremony - any other time of theirs had to be devoted to staying in the castle, overseeing the matters of state. “But this matter is much too urgent for me to delegate this task to somepony else. I must oversee this personally.”

“If you must, then at least promise me that you will keep a low profile.” Luna said pleadingly, stepping forward to nuzzle her sister briefly. “The populace would certainly be disquieted if rumors were to spread that you made a public appearance somewhere to make contact with a strange creature they have never seen in their lives.”

“I will, so far as I am able to.” Celestia smiled as she returned the nuzzle. “If he has drawn some attention of his own to himself, no low profile I keep is going to help him much. If the occasion calls for me to put to use the authority of my office, then I shall. But for now, I will need your assistance for the next several days - I need to retreat into my scrying chambers to observe this human and his tendencies first, before I approach him.”

“Do what you have to do, my sister.” Luna nodded. “And may Faust watch over you. I shall hold the Day Court in your absence.”

“My thanks, Luna. I will need all the time you can buy me,” Celestia thanked her, and in a flash of golden light she vanished, reappearing inside her own chambers a moment later.

The celestial diarch let out a small, pensive breath as she raised the letter before her again, and she began reading over it once more - in particular, the paragraph where Twilight had written down the human’s identity.

“It has been at least two thousand years since we last saw you,” Celestia murmured softly to herself, lost in thought. “And now, your kind returns to haunt us again. Twilight is more right than she realizes... Nothing small can possibly come from the presence of a seed of chaos.”

Comments

[Cold Spike]

Ah ha! Fandom, eat your heart out! That’s one piece of fanon that just got confirmed!

Not to me

[Beyond the Horizon]

Oh me oh my. You do know where to stop your chapters, don't you? Makes me want moooaar of this. Keep up the good work, and the rather fast pace if you can! This seems to be shaping up into something that'll be epic.

[Raistlin]

Just a thing: maybe you should handle the "chosen one" theme in a bit less obvious way than Twilight openly declaring "my epic senses are tingling".

[HellRyden]

3017765 Well I can tell you, it's certainly a lot less obvious than "You are the Chosen Human of the prophecy that prophesized your return to Equestria to be our Lord and Savior! All hail the brony!" Now THAT is face-palmingly obvious, not to mention painfully cliched even to me, and I eat up cliches like fine wine and cheese.

Twilight going "something big is gonna go down, but I don't know what" is rather more justified in this case, given the fact that a strange creature from the Unknown Regions has arrived in Equestria; it's pretty much the Equestrian equivalent of discovering alien life, don't tell me THAT isn't a significant, far-reaching discovery. Even if he wasn't the Chosen One, something big sure as hell is about to go down - how do you think we humans would react if we discovered an alien life form stranded on our world? Well, there might not be worldwide riots and widespread panic, but people will definitely be talking, and the media would positively be abuzz with it. Militaries would get mobilized, world leaders are going to start talking, the poor alien would probably get shoved into quarantine somewhere, and in general people are going to go nuts over it.

And then there's the issue of her finding Joe's chain of the Element of Magic - that's another sign to her that something is really, really wrong here. It's less of "The Chosen One" and more of "Holy shit is this guy the antichrist?" Twilight only knows that he's hiding something, and the hunch that she gets is based on her knowing that Joe, by right, cannot possibly have a chain in the shape of the Element of Magic, but he does, and it's right there. She gets a hunch that he will have a part to play in things, but she doesn't know what it is - for all she knows, he could be a sleeper agent put in place to assassinate her and the chain is just a way for him to identify his target (but of course she doesn't consciously acknowledge that, but her subconscious doesn't like it all the same, hence the disquiet).

[More Dakka]

That don't bode well. You'd better keep that gun close Joe.

[Mandyrobin]

Huh. So Lauren Faust is like a creator god to them, eh? Interesting. Great chapter.

[More Dakka]

3035779

Hmmm if its the natural reaction, I have to wonder how they survived first contact with species like the griffons and dragons just based on how fanon alone depicts them.

But yea you get a pass because of the Suzy reference that made me laugh.

[novablade223]

great humans are the seeds of chaos. just great -_-

[tomla134]

Aw, Joe lost his necklace.

And I couldn't help but humming "something terrible is going down, through the entire town," as I read this chapter.

Dis gun b gud!

[JBL]

Don't know if I would refer to Applejack as a farmfilly, seems rather...... condescending.

So far we've had:
-Human arriving in the Everfree forest
-Human being chased by timberwolves
-Human being chased by manticore
-Rainbow Dash acting like a total idiot, knocking out the protagonist twice (won't be surprised if he easily forgives her and then does something to "earn her respect)
-First words to come out of Rarity's mouth is to comment on his attire (first impressions are pretty important and I doubt she would leave him with one other than her being a complete airhead who can't think about anything than her precious dresses.
-Goes to work on the apple farm.

WHATCHU GONNA DO BROTHER, WHEN AAAALLLLL THE CLICHES RUN WILD ON YOU!!

Still pushing on, waiting to see if Twilight does any experiments on him and starts asking him a million different questions.