I'm no writer but this story is so far awsome. I especially enjoyed the fact that you decided to incorporate the rainbow factory within this story keep it up

2965054 Thanks glad to hear it. I thought it would be interesting to write a story like with it. Also like I said in the author's note. Just because you aren't a writer doesn't mean you don't know if a story is good or not.

I think its a great story and I can see the work put into it. I hope it keeps updating because I would like to see it though to the end.

so i guess alice will see how bad it is in the end and fuck shit up and kill rainbow?

2967584 Thanks I'm glad to hear to it. I do plan on finishing it. Though I always plan on finishing stories I write, but I don't always do so...

Fortunately due to the subject matter of this story I can't make it a big huge long epic. It would just get boring and repetitive. I already know what I want to do for the end and how to get there so I will finish it!

2968027 Maybe.... Maybe not... I won't go into too much detail because that would ruin the ending, but I will say I have plans for Alice, the factory, and Rainbow Dash. Do realize Alice is not entirely sane herself, though. Plus she isn't exactly the same here as she is at the end of Alice: Madness Returns, despite her victory over Dr. Bumby.

How this will affect things in the factory and around her? Hopefully the next couple of chapters will show that.

2971436 Thanks for telling me what you thought about the first chapter. Hopefully you will read the rest of the story as well, if you haven't already. I do appreciate the feed back. Now to hopefully explain your concerns... Which means I might have to do some reworking if I have to explain things in comments.

1. I prefer Bumby's death in the game as well. However, I changed how it happened in this story. I was hoping future chapters would show how Alice's choice to end the fight here has changed her a bit. She is still Alice but she isn't fully cured Alice, like I believe she is once again after Madness Returns.

After all if she was just like she was in cannon, she wouldn't put up with her job in Equestria. Plus she wouldn't have a good enough reason to take that mysterious portal in the first place if things ended here like they did in the game.

2. I know what you mean by that, and really the main reason I didn't write that fight was because I wanted to get Alice to Equestria. I feel like if I did go into detail about the fight I would have to write a whole chapter about it alone to do it proper justice.

Unfortunately considering I had to actually include a scene in the first chapter that I originally had planned for the second chapter before this story was approved. I don't think writing about that fight was needed, nor would the story have been accepted without the first chapter being absurdly long.

Plus as I tried to say above, the important part of that fight and the ending of her Madness Returns journey was the way she decided to end the fight in this story as opposed to how it canonically ended.

3. I thought this part answered that:

She even used her most powerful ability, her hysteria mode. The brief enhanced strength and invulnerability helped some. But it wasn't enough.

I see your point though. I will most likely fix this once I have the next chapter ready for release. I don't know how update emails work here yet, so I want to wait before I fix that issue. I don't want the people that may or may not have this story set to send them email updates about chapters to receive an email for it only to be a change to the first chapter.

Again thanks for your feedback. I know I am not perfect, but I do want to improve so constructive criticism given in a polite and earnest manner, like you presented it, helps out a lot!

Oh, great. So Alice gets to Equestria and with her luck it has to be Rainbow Factory Equestria.

At least she arrived naked. The last Alice Lidell I have seen get into Equestria ended with her clothes transforming into Pinkie's dress from Cupcakes.

2982267 You act like Rainbow Factory Equestria is a bad thing for Alice? She is still resourceful like always and I picture her making things suit her whether they want to or not. Once she is sort of cured at least.

I never read cupcakes. I have heard a lot about it, but I never read it.

2983100 Well, after all she's been through, you'd think she deserved some peace and quiet.

This dress:
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/266/e/2/cupcakes_pinkie_pie___mane_6_edition_by_rens_twin-d5fofph.jpg

OK, so this will be a long rant. (note, that despite all the nitpicks below, I still do like the story and will eagerly await new chapters )

CHARACTERS COMMENTS AND WILD PREDICTIONS

1 There are lots of fanfics about villains or anti-heroes coming to Equestria. Most of them mellow out as the result. Alice is probably the first character I have seen to get noticably worse. Under normal circumstances, Alice's behaviour would be badly out of character. She is an abuse victim, which could be expected to make her shun physical contact, but at the same time confused by the libido of her new body. Her outrage at the strong praying on the weak has been turned into hate of all weakness. Her righteous but weak waking world personality has been completely consumed by her Wonderland persona and now she kills living ponies as easily as she used to kill her figments. Between absorbing the corruption of Wonderland and getting turned into a pegasus she has become a real monster. I have seen many readers waiting for her to flip out and burn the factory down with all the staff, but at this point, she is just as likely to end up becoming the new director after she hunts Dash down for growing soft.

2 The ship is on its way to become a burning train wreck and it seems to be deliberately so. Unless you are aiming for the most twisted pairing since "The Republic of Trees."

3 Also, nopony has realised it yet, but Alice is far more dangerous than even her current antics indicate. When she was leaving London, it looked like it mixed half-way with Wonderland. This was just her hallucination... of course... But her blade is now real, and so is her dress. Her cat could steal for her despite being an imaginary friend. She has extensive combat experience from battles that only happened inside her head.

Alice now has the power to make her delusions real. What else can she bring to life? The train might have been Bumby's fault, but the Carpenter and the Walrus were of her own making...

5 I wonder if The Doctor knows about the factory and whether he intends to do something about it.

FACTS AND DETAILS:

1 Was Alice wearing a dress during the flying test? She is dressed by habit unless forced otherwise. But considering the whole aerodynamic thing, this would be a very serious handicap.

2 I'm sorry, but even with the whole "sticks to the hooves" approach the fic takes, how on earth is a pony supposed to use a bow and arrow? Shooting an arrow requires not just holding it, but gripping the arrow firmly enough to pull against the strength of the bow.

3 A hunting we will go as a foals' song. Ponies are herbivores. Why would they have a song about hunting, let alone one intended for foals?

4 At one point Alice mentions that the last time she saw the Hatter, he died in the collapsing factory. He did appear later on, he was sitting on the train with the Red Queen and the Caterpillar.

5 Alice calls herself a Victorian girl. The book was Victorian. But Alice read it as a child, so she is at least a generation older.

5a And for a Victorian girl she seems to be very well adapted to Las Pegasus, using a term 'call girl' (I'm pretty sure the word didn't exist in her time, even if the job did) or using the whole "making a call" cliche at the motel (speaking of which - what kind of call was she supposed to make? I'm almost sure there were no phones in her time, and certainly there are none in Equestria)

TECHNICAL ISSUES:

1 I think you need one more pre-reader. I'm not an expert on punctuation, but yours seems off.

2 More importantly, you make spelling mistakes that result in word swapping - autocorrect won't find those.
Examples:

'Bare' instead of 'bear'
'And' instead of 'any'
'Death' instead of 'deaf'
And my personal favourite: Alice being a 'dark angle'

That's all for now

2989047 I like that long comment . I will try to answer it some without hopefully giving anything away.

Your Predictions:

1. You will have to see about some of these things. You do point out something important. Alice absorbed the corruption and ruin inside her. These things were representations of Bumby's plans for her and the damage done to her mind and sanity. She took it all into her here, but she ended up breaking free of his control regardless, something I'm sure he didn't intend to happen but to me only makes sense.

About Alice being just as likely to flip out and burn down the factory and kill all of the employees, or taking over as the new Director. This is right... She's capable of either one or the other.

2. The ship: It will take some major working, but I am hoping it will make sense once it actually starts catching a good wind and sailing.

3. Does Alice even know this herself?

4. This will be answered in the fic.

Facts and Details:

1. I didn't come right out and say she was naked, but I thought I had made a point to show she dresses up when she goes out into social settings, working at the factory doesn't count.

2. How does a pony grip anything? I always figured it was understood there was some kind of passive pony magic that allowed them to grip things somehow if not in their mouths. Also these are pegasi, they can use the air and their wings. This also means they have four free hooves if they are in the air. I will try to make this better understood in the future.

3. The actual song is about hunting for sport not food (for the most part). The verse she changes is about catching a fox and then letting him go. Most of the song's verses are like this with the exception of the fish verse but even that one say and let him go. It is a children's song, so I decided that meant it could also be a song for foals. Also don't read into children song lyrics too deeply... If you do, you will realize how truly messed up a lot of them really are. A good few of them are like Pinkie's songs from the "Friendship is Witchcraft" fan series.

4. Alice is really far gone when this part happens. She is close to discovering the entire truth, and is in very serious, but shaky denial of it. I don't know what others think about this, but for the purposes of this story, I'm pretending in this scene Alice is talking to herself and visualizing how her Wonderland main cast would answer her questions.

Again I want to say I was not focusing too much on what happened before her final confrontation in the game. One could write a huge epic fan fiction on that alone, but it wouldn't be something you could post here. You have to include pony characters and have the crossover characters actually interacting with them for this site to accept the fic for posting.

5. The Victorian era refers to Queen Victoria's rule of England, you probably already know this. She ruled from 1837 to 1901. This whole period is the Victorian Era. American McGee's Alice was born in 1856 well into the Victorian Era.

About Las Pegasus, she was really amazed by it, but she and the chapter were focused on her mission instead. I know she might not have used the term 'call girl' but she is at least familiar with prostitution. It was all over the place where she lived in London. I supposed I could have instead used a term like Harlot, but I don't think it is that big of a deal. Plus I did point out she had by that time spent time making small talk with the locals to get information. Considering Las Pegasus is based off of Las Vegas, I'm sure 'call mares' would be mentioned. Alice is smart and would figure out what this meant from just the context and easily made the connection herself and adapted its use.

My grammar.... I know it is bad, but I usually do catch things when I read over the chapters before I post them. I seem to usually do alright since not too many mention it bothers them more than is normal, if they mention it at all. I don't use pre-readers, I proof read myself. After re-reading something for the second or third time in a row, it gets difficult to read again without feeling fan fiction is more of a chore than something I do for fun.

I don't know how pre-readers work, but I figure it is something they only do on their own time as well. Considering it already takes awhile for me to get chapters out I don't want another delay, because some person I don't know decides to do something else instead of pre-reading a story with really long chapters, that isn't really popular and well known.

I could be wrong, but I figure if you want a good proof reader they actually have to be somehow invested in your story. I am new here so I am not one of those FimFiction celebrities, so I doubt many would want to take the time to help with my stories. In the future, I will try to be better at catching my errors. Maybe if I run through it two or three times and then take a little break before I proof read one last time prior to posting, that will help without it becoming a chore.

Either way I do appreciate your comment and will try even harder to get my grammar right . I will also start showing and explaining in the story more about how Alice has changed and why. I hope this doesn't spoil anything, but I will say Alice's characterization and some others isn't done and set in stone yet.

2989047 I fixed the dark angle.... I did at least get it right the second time I mentioned it in this chapter.

2990448

A bad proofreader is better than no proofreader, trust me. It is hard to proofread your own work, because it was created in your head - so when you read, your memory fills in the gaps, making you see what you wanted to write instead of what is actually written.

(I'm very lucky to be proofread by Nonagon, who is both competent and dependable - sadly, his skills are in very high demand, so I don't think he'd have time for more writers than he is helping already.)

I have also read your home page - it is nice to meet another ancient.

As for Tvtropes, anyone can start a new work page, even yourself. If you want one created by fans, I have already created pages for a few works ( two Harry Dresden crossovers and Deathnote Equestria) - so if I like the rest of your fic, I might make one for you too.

Finally, this is the third Rainbow Factory related fic I have found over the last two weeks.

The other two are The Diary of Ghostly Scootaloo and Inverted Harmony

(both very much worth reading, although the latter contains some season one Deathnote Equestria spoilers, so you might want to read Deathnote Equestria first)

2990728 I will look into the matter. I really should get one. I think I have been writing this story often enough it might work out. Usually my stories end up going silent for a good long while, because I come to a point where I don't know how to keep going with the story before the next step. This story has flowed better than the few others I have written so it isn't as difficult.

Nice another ancient! We are around but we don't seem to be as numerous as the 16 to 22 year old lot out there, or maybe I just don't know where the others are hanging out here or when they are.

I did mean a fan made tvtropes page. I am cool with self promotion, but making my own Tvtropes page seems a little too much for me.

I will keep those recommendations in mind to read later, probably after this story is finished. I don't like to read similar stories while I am writing one usually. I don't want to accidentally use someone else's idea, because I liked it that much, in my own story of similar theme.

I too noticed more rainbow factory fics recently as well. Maybe it's because I just ended up starting one right at the time it started to catch on once again, or maybe I just started noticing them again now that I am writing one myself. It is probably the latter.

2990877

I don't like to read similar stories while I am writing one usually. I don't want to accidentally use someone else's idea, because I liked it that much, in my own story of similar theme.

In that case the recommended order is Deathnote Equestria (unrelated to RF), Inverted Harmony ( a multi-ponyverse crossover involving both DN:E and RF) and finally the Diary of Ghostly Scootaloo (RF semi-official sequel - this is the one you want to leave until after you are done with your story)

You asked for someone to try and draw a better picture, and it inspired me to try.

The result was a spectacular failure.
So spectacular in fact, that I will share it anyway

i99.photobucket.com/albums/l309/braininthejar/PONYMADNESS.jpg

3023684 It is better than anything I could draw. I do like how you have Alice in her "Executioner Dress". The way you wrote the title is cool too.

3023964 What I don't like is how her face turned out. Also the usual issue of how pencil picture turns out in scans

I'm quite happy with how Dash turned out though.

3023977 Yes Dash did turn out well. She looks very official, which is fitting, and still awesome, which is also fitting.

I kind of see what you mean by Alice's face too. Her smile and left eye seem a little too long. Other than those two things it is a good picture.

If you want me to I could use it as the cover image. You may say it is a spectacular failure but it is something better than my poorly done little GIMP creation up there currently. I still like my creation but the truth is the truth.

3024080 I fear it might be too pale for a cover pic - a cover pic must be clear and recognisable in miniature. To that end your version works better, even if it is less artistic.

The best option would be to find someone who can draw on computer to make an improved version of my pic, but that would take some searching - unless you can interest an artist in your story.

3024097 I guess it probably won't happen then. Hunting down an artist and telling them to make a computer drawing of someone else's picture probably wouldn't get many interested. If I got an artist interested in my story, even with my poor fimficition promotional skills, they would understandably want to make their own creation.

It is still a pretty good picture you drew though.