• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 8th, 2023

Gadman85


I attempt to entertain with my amateur stories. I also think I sort of know what makes a story good and try to help others if I can.

Comments ( 71 )

Excellent writing, grammar and beginning to a story. We would humbly request some more of this at your earliest convinience.

2869529 I appreciate such a well mannered request. I am currently working on the next chapter.

2869770 I do have MOAR on the way!

Despite my loathing, my hatred, my abhorrence for ponification, I find myself at the end of your chapter, feeling... conflicted and confused. Usually, the moment ponification happens, I downvote and leave, but this time... something kept me from doing that. Maybe it was my love for the Alice games, or your perfect representation of it. Whatever the case, I read on.

OhfuckRainBOWFACTORY!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! But, Alice, Ponie- but the Factory. But Ali-Fact.................................. GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! DAMN IT!!!! Fine... I'll follow and see where this leads. Even if I'm cringing the whole way down. :fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch:

2873109 Yeah.. I know some people might feel conflicted about it, but I am hoping my take on it will be different. I had some issues with the fanfic despite the song being incredibly awesome.

However I hope the story will end up as good as I think it will be. I have made some changes to Rainbow Dash in this AU and Alice isn't exactly the same as she is in the games. Just have to see how things go in the story.

2873239 Well it seems the Cheshire cat is out of the bag. :pinkiehappy: Though maybe it was only his grin in there all along. :rainbowhuh::rainbowlaugh:

I love it... and it just happens to be a few days after the alice daily deal on steam :ajsmug:

oh ohohohoho cant wait to see where the rabbit hole will go! hope to see more.

2873715 Well I am working on the next chapter. :rainbowdetermined2:

2874473 I guess this reaction is sort of good. It shows you weren't expecting what happened. Despite this I do hope you find something to like about the story.

2883716 Oh I can assure you there will be plenty of red as the story continues. :pinkiecrazy: :rainbowwild:

Nice story so far. I certainly hope that Dash and Cheshire get to meet at some point.

2892357 That may happen. I do like Cheshire and the ways he interacts with others.

This story is going good, I like how the characters are painted and all, that good stuff~! :twilightsmile:

A gentle breeze guide you home, a warm smile welcome your return. :pinkiesmile:
(no I don't do rhyme.)

2940383 I'm glad to hear it! :twilightsmile: The characters are going to be really important in this story. Truth be told characters are always important though.


I can't do rhyme either. I tried doing Zecora's rhyming before, and I didn't like the result.:facehoof:

I'm no writer but this story is so far awsome. I especially enjoyed the fact that you decided to incorporate the rainbow factory within this story keep it up

2965054 Thanks glad to hear it. :twilightsmile: I thought it would be interesting to write a story like with it. Also like I said in the author's note. Just because you aren't a writer doesn't mean you don't know if a story is good or not. :pinkiesmile:

I think its a great story and I can see the work put into it. I hope it keeps updating because I would like to see it though to the end.

i hope alice turns on them in the end and goes all out and fucks there shit out

so i guess alice will see how bad it is in the end and fuck shit up and kill rainbow?

2967584 Thanks I'm glad to hear to it.:twilightsmile: I do plan on finishing it. Though I always plan on finishing stories I write, but I don't always do so...:facehoof:

Fortunately due to the subject matter of this story I can't make it a big huge long epic. It would just get boring and repetitive. I already know what I want to do for the end and how to get there so I will finish it!

2968027 Maybe.... Maybe not... I won't go into too much detail because that would ruin the ending, but I will say I have plans for Alice, the factory, and Rainbow Dash. Do realize Alice is not entirely sane herself, though. Plus she isn't exactly the same here as she is at the end of Alice: Madness Returns, despite her victory over Dr. Bumby.

How this will affect things in the factory and around her? :rainbowhuh: Hopefully the next couple of chapters will show that. :twilightsmile:

Not perfect, but what is. This is one of those stories that I keep nitpicking on, but keep reading them anyway.

1 I must say I preferred Bumby's death as presented in the game - to the point and deliciously ironic.

2 I find it strange that you would devote so much attention to describing the details of her dress and then skip over an action scene (granted, the action wasn't that much needed - this is not what this fic seems to be about - but the juxtaposition is still a bit strange)

3 One major complain I'd have is you using the term "hysteria mode" - it breaks the mood, taking us from the dephs of madness to a video game - I'm sure Alice never referred to "hysteria mode" as such, if she even had a name for it. Also, the few readers who didn't actually play the game would not know what you were talking about.

2971436 Thanks for telling me what you thought about the first chapter. Hopefully you will read the rest of the story as well, if you haven't already. I do appreciate the feed back. Now to hopefully explain your concerns... Which means I might have to do some reworking if I have to explain things in comments. :facehoof:

1. I prefer Bumby's death in the game as well. However, I changed how it happened in this story. I was hoping future chapters would show how Alice's choice to end the fight here has changed her a bit. She is still Alice but she isn't fully cured Alice, like I believe she is once again after Madness Returns.

After all if she was just like she was in cannon, she wouldn't put up with her job in Equestria. Plus she wouldn't have a good enough reason to take that mysterious portal in the first place if things ended here like they did in the game.

2. I know what you mean by that, and really the main reason I didn't write that fight was because I wanted to get Alice to Equestria. I feel like if I did go into detail about the fight I would have to write a whole chapter about it alone to do it proper justice.

Unfortunately considering I had to actually include a scene in the first chapter that I originally had planned for the second chapter before this story was approved. I don't think writing about that fight was needed, nor would the story have been accepted without the first chapter being absurdly long.

Plus as I tried to say above, the important part of that fight and the ending of her Madness Returns journey was the way she decided to end the fight in this story as opposed to how it canonically ended.

3. I thought this part answered that:

She even used her most powerful ability, her hysteria mode. The brief enhanced strength and invulnerability helped some. But it wasn't enough.

I see your point though. I will most likely fix this once I have the next chapter ready for release. I don't know how update emails work here yet, so I want to wait before I fix that issue. I don't want the people that may or may not have this story set to send them email updates about chapters to receive an email for it only to be a change to the first chapter.

Again thanks for your feedback. I know I am not perfect, but I do want to improve so constructive criticism given in a polite and earnest manner, like you presented it, helps out a lot! :pinkiehappy:

Oh, great. So Alice gets to Equestria and with her luck it has to be Rainbow Factory Equestria. :rainbowwild:

At least she arrived naked. The last Alice Lidell I have seen get into Equestria ended with her clothes transforming into Pinkie's dress from Cupcakes.

2982267 You act like Rainbow Factory Equestria is a bad thing for Alice? :rainbowlaugh: She is still resourceful like always and I picture her making things suit her whether they want to or not. Once she is sort of cured at least.

I never read cupcakes. I have heard a lot about it, but I never read it.

2873109 You mean you didn't get that from the first chapter?

I'm sorry, but for all the important stuff that happened in the chapter, the image in my mind was waay off topic :pinkiecrazy:

i4.bebo.com/046/13/large/2009/03/23/21/8718041965a10413336191l.jpg

OK, so this will be a long rant. (note, that despite all the nitpicks below, I still do like the story and will eagerly await new chapters :coolphoto: )

CHARACTERS COMMENTS AND WILD PREDICTIONS

1 There are lots of fanfics about villains or anti-heroes coming to Equestria. Most of them mellow out as the result. Alice is probably the first character I have seen to get noticably worse. Under normal circumstances, Alice's behaviour would be badly out of character. She is an abuse victim, which could be expected to make her shun physical contact, but at the same time confused by the libido of her new body. Her outrage at the strong praying on the weak has been turned into hate of all weakness. Her righteous but weak waking world personality has been completely consumed by her Wonderland persona and now she kills living ponies as easily as she used to kill her figments. Between absorbing the corruption of Wonderland and getting turned into a pegasus she has become a real monster. I have seen many readers waiting for her to flip out and burn the factory down with all the staff, but at this point, she is just as likely to end up becoming the new director after she hunts Dash down for growing soft. :scootangel:

2 The ship is on its way to become a burning train wreck and it seems to be deliberately so. Unless you are aiming for the most twisted pairing since "The Republic of Trees."

3 Also, nopony has realised it yet, but Alice is far more dangerous than even her current antics indicate. When she was leaving London, it looked like it mixed half-way with Wonderland. This was just her hallucination... of course... But her blade is now real, and so is her dress. Her cat could steal for her despite being an imaginary friend. She has extensive combat experience from battles that only happened inside her head.

Alice now has the power to make her delusions real. What else can she bring to life? The train might have been Bumby's fault, but the Carpenter and the Walrus were of her own making...

5 I wonder if The Doctor knows about the factory and whether he intends to do something about it.

FACTS AND DETAILS:

1 Was Alice wearing a dress during the flying test? She is dressed by habit unless forced otherwise. But considering the whole aerodynamic thing, this would be a very serious handicap.

2 I'm sorry, but even with the whole "sticks to the hooves" approach the fic takes, how on earth is a pony supposed to use a bow and arrow? Shooting an arrow requires not just holding it, but gripping the arrow firmly enough to pull against the strength of the bow.

3 A hunting we will go as a foals' song. Ponies are herbivores. Why would they have a song about hunting, let alone one intended for foals?

4 At one point Alice mentions that the last time she saw the Hatter, he died in the collapsing factory. He did appear later on, he was sitting on the train with the Red Queen and the Caterpillar.

5 Alice calls herself a Victorian girl. The book was Victorian. But Alice read it as a child, so she is at least a generation older.

5a And for a Victorian girl she seems to be very well adapted to Las Pegasus, using a term 'call girl' (I'm pretty sure the word didn't exist in her time, even if the job did) or using the whole "making a call" cliche at the motel (speaking of which - what kind of call was she supposed to make? I'm almost sure there were no phones in her time, and certainly there are none in Equestria)

TECHNICAL ISSUES:

1 I think you need one more pre-reader. I'm not an expert on punctuation, but yours seems off.

2 More importantly, you make spelling mistakes that result in word swapping - autocorrect won't find those.
Examples:

'Bare' instead of 'bear'
'And' instead of 'any'
'Death' instead of 'deaf'
And my personal favourite: Alice being a 'dark angle'

That's all for now :derpytongue2:

2989047 I like that long comment :pinkiehappy:. I will try to answer it some without hopefully giving anything away.

Your Predictions:

1. You will have to see about some of these things. You do point out something important. Alice absorbed the corruption and ruin inside her. These things were representations of Bumby's plans for her and the damage done to her mind and sanity. She took it all into her here, but she ended up breaking free of his control regardless, something I'm sure he didn't intend to happen but to me only makes sense.

About Alice being just as likely to flip out and burn down the factory and kill all of the employees, or taking over as the new Director. This is right...:pinkiehappy: She's capable of either one or the other.

2. The ship: It will take some major working, but I am hoping it will make sense once it actually starts catching a good wind and sailing.

3. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: Does Alice even know this herself? :rainbowhuh:

4. This will be answered in the fic.

Facts and Details:

1. I didn't come right out and say she was naked, but I thought I had made a point to show she dresses up when she goes out into social settings, working at the factory doesn't count.

2. How does a pony grip anything? I always figured it was understood there was some kind of passive pony magic that allowed them to grip things somehow if not in their mouths. Also these are pegasi, they can use the air and their wings. This also means they have four free hooves if they are in the air. I will try to make this better understood in the future.

3. The actual song is about hunting for sport not food (for the most part). The verse she changes is about catching a fox and then letting him go. Most of the song's verses are like this with the exception of the fish verse but even that one say and let him go. It is a children's song, so I decided that meant it could also be a song for foals. Also don't read into children song lyrics too deeply... If you do, you will realize how truly messed up a lot of them really are. :pinkiecrazy: A good few of them are like Pinkie's songs from the "Friendship is Witchcraft" fan series.

4. Alice is really far gone when this part happens. She is close to discovering the entire truth, and is in very serious, but shaky denial of it. I don't know what others think about this, but for the purposes of this story, I'm pretending in this scene Alice is talking to herself and visualizing how her Wonderland main cast would answer her questions.

Again I want to say I was not focusing too much on what happened before her final confrontation in the game. One could write a huge epic fan fiction on that alone, but it wouldn't be something you could post here. You have to include pony characters and have the crossover characters actually interacting with them for this site to accept the fic for posting.

5. The Victorian era refers to Queen Victoria's rule of England, you probably already know this. She ruled from 1837 to 1901. This whole period is the Victorian Era. American McGee's Alice was born in 1856 well into the Victorian Era.

About Las Pegasus, she was really amazed by it, but she and the chapter were focused on her mission instead. I know she might not have used the term 'call girl' but she is at least familiar with prostitution. It was all over the place where she lived in London. I supposed I could have instead used a term like Harlot, but I don't think it is that big of a deal. Plus I did point out she had by that time spent time making small talk with the locals to get information. Considering Las Pegasus is based off of Las Vegas, I'm sure 'call mares' would be mentioned. Alice is smart and would figure out what this meant from just the context and easily made the connection herself and adapted its use.

:facehoof: My grammar.... I know it is bad, but I usually do catch things when I read over the chapters before I post them. I seem to usually do alright since not too many mention it bothers them more than is normal, if they mention it at all. I don't use pre-readers, I proof read myself. After re-reading something for the second or third time in a row, it gets difficult to read again without feeling fan fiction is more of a chore than something I do for fun.

I don't know how pre-readers work, but I figure it is something they only do on their own time as well. Considering it already takes awhile for me to get chapters out I don't want another delay, because some person I don't know decides to do something else instead of pre-reading a story with really long chapters, that isn't really popular and well known.

I could be wrong, but I figure if you want a good proof reader they actually have to be somehow invested in your story. I am new here so I am not one of those FimFiction celebrities, so I doubt many would want to take the time to help with my stories. In the future, I will try to be better at catching my errors. Maybe if I run through it two or three times and then take a little break before I proof read one last time prior to posting, that will help without it becoming a chore.

Either way I do appreciate your comment and will try even harder to get my grammar right :facehoof:. I will also start showing and explaining in the story more about how Alice has changed and why. I hope this doesn't spoil anything, but I will say Alice's characterization and some others isn't done and set in stone yet.

2989047 I fixed the dark angle....:facehoof: I did at least get it right the second time I mentioned it in this chapter. :rainbowlaugh:

2990448

A bad proofreader is better than no proofreader, trust me. It is hard to proofread your own work, because it was created in your head - so when you read, your memory fills in the gaps, making you see what you wanted to write instead of what is actually written.

(I'm very lucky to be proofread by Nonagon, who is both competent and dependable - sadly, his skills are in very high demand, so I don't think he'd have time for more writers than he is helping already.)

I have also read your home page - it is nice to meet another ancient. :coolphoto:

As for Tvtropes, anyone can start a new work page, even yourself. If you want one created by fans, I have already created pages for a few works ( two Harry Dresden crossovers and Deathnote Equestria) - so if I like the rest of your fic, I might make one for you too.

Finally, this is the third Rainbow Factory related fic I have found over the last two weeks.

The other two are The Diary of Ghostly Scootaloo and Inverted Harmony

(both very much worth reading, although the latter contains some season one Deathnote Equestria spoilers, so you might want to read Deathnote Equestria first)

2990728 I will look into the matter. I really should get one. I think I have been writing this story often enough it might work out. Usually my stories end up going silent for a good long while, because I come to a point where I don't know how to keep going with the story before the next step. This story has flowed better than the few others I have written so it isn't as difficult.

Nice another ancient! :coolphoto: We are around but we don't seem to be as numerous as the 16 to 22 year old lot out there, or maybe I just don't know where the others are hanging out here or when they are.

I did mean a fan made tvtropes page. I am cool with self promotion, but making my own Tvtropes page seems a little too much for me.

I will keep those recommendations in mind to read later, probably after this story is finished. I don't like to read similar stories while I am writing one usually. I don't want to accidentally use someone else's idea, because I liked it that much, in my own story of similar theme.

I too noticed more rainbow factory fics recently as well. Maybe it's because I just ended up starting one right at the time it started to catch on once again, or maybe I just started noticing them again now that I am writing one myself. It is probably the latter.

2990877

I don't like to read similar stories while I am writing one usually. I don't want to accidentally use someone else's idea, because I liked it that much, in my own story of similar theme.

In that case the recommended order is Deathnote Equestria (unrelated to RF), Inverted Harmony ( a multi-ponyverse crossover involving both DN:E and RF) and finally the Diary of Ghostly Scootaloo (RF semi-official sequel - this is the one you want to leave until after you are done with your story)

You asked for someone to try and draw a better picture, and it inspired me to try.

The result was a spectacular failure.
So spectacular in fact, that I will share it anyway :rainbowwild:

i99.photobucket.com/albums/l309/braininthejar/PONYMADNESS.jpg

3023684 It is better than anything I could draw. I do like how you have Alice in her "Executioner Dress". The way you wrote the title is cool too. :coolphoto:

3023964 What I don't like is how her face turned out. Also the usual issue of how pencil picture turns out in scans :coolphoto:

I'm quite happy with how Dash turned out though.

3023977 Yes Dash did turn out well. She looks very official, which is fitting, and still awesome, which is also fitting.

I kind of see what you mean by Alice's face too. Her smile and left eye seem a little too long. Other than those two things it is a good picture.

If you want me to I could use it as the cover image. You may say it is a spectacular failure but it is something better than my poorly done little GIMP creation up there currently. I still like my creation but the truth is the truth. :rainbowlaugh:

3024080 I fear it might be too pale for a cover pic - a cover pic must be clear and recognisable in miniature. To that end your version works better, even if it is less artistic.

The best option would be to find someone who can draw on computer to make an improved version of my pic, but that would take some searching - unless you can interest an artist in your story.

3024097 :pinkiesad2: I guess it probably won't happen then. Hunting down an artist and telling them to make a computer drawing of someone else's picture probably wouldn't get many interested. If I got an artist interested in my story, even with my poor fimficition promotional skills, they would understandably want to make their own creation.

It is still a pretty good picture you drew though. :twilightsmile:

3146677 Just wondering what is monstrous and Is this a good thing? As for Alice's choice she can still go either way really. You will just have to keep reading to find out. :pinkiehappy:

I see no errors per se this time, but try reading your work aloud too - you sometimes do unnessesery repetitions, like using the name Alice 4 times over three sentences or "the strength of her drink was strong".

The cat might be a bit less direct... I get his way of speech is hard to imitate.

Finally, after reading this chapter I can say that compared to humans, ponies are complete amateurs when it comes to industrialised genocide. This is what they've come up with after centuries of work? :ajsleepy:

It is unfortunate that they got a Victorian human. Any 20th century human with the knowledge of the Nazi Germany could make their procedures... 20% more efficient :pinkiecrazy:

...

Ok, that was dark.

Keep up the good work.

3169094 I will keep an eye out for the Alice thing in the future. As for the industrialized genocide thing. That was my bad. I didn't want to do too much research into something like that for a story. :pinkiesick:

I do think the methods fit with Equestria in general though. I mean you have chariots, carriages, and trains pulled by stallions as forms of transportation. Everyone just walks and pulls carts mostly.

As for cities, you have Canterlot, which is very fantasy like. You have Ponyville, a country town with timber framed homes and thatched roofs, apart from a few of the buildings. Next we have Manehatten, which seems to be an odd mash-up of modern and old. So I don't think efficiency is really their thing. Lets not forget The western towns they have as well. I blame magic for this odd and not efficient growth :twilightsheepish:.

You are right though if they had a human from a later time frame the Rainbow Factory could become extremely efficient. Personally I am glad this isn't the case. I think it is hard enough for me to show some of the ponies working there in a somewhat positive light as it is.

Could you make more frequent updates with shorter chapters? It would make them easier to read.

Also, if you can link me the chapters in gdocs format, I guess I could do some proofreading for you, at least where it comes to typos. :coolphoto:

3169704 There is nothing wrong with your description - it is consistent with the Rainbow Factory "canon". So even it there is an easy way to smoothen the process (The ponies are expecting to be banished, not killed. They would accept food from the staff. This way they could be sedated on their way to the factory, all but eliminating the need for guard duty - which would probably cut the needed number of the floor staff by half, and eliminating all the drama that slowly drives the employees insane) it wouldn't fit within the story; the pegasi sucking at it are an important part of the plot.

And I haven't done any research either - being Polish, I had some WW2 stories as compulsory reading at school. They contain plenty of examples of how extreme conditions can influence human psychology

3170085 Sorry for the late response, but I have been dealing with real life things this past week. I know what you mean about the chapter length, and I am going to do what I can to make the chapters shorter but still fairly long. I have also been really working on my other story lately as well, so that has caused some of the delays between the last update.

I will say that chapters should update sooner than they did last time, because I have a really decent idea of where I want it to go, and I don't plan on more double chapter updates. I mainly did that because I felt a chill chapter was needed after "Harvest Time".

I have made some good progress on the next chapter in this fic as it is. If you don't mind looking over it, like you said, and told me how to make it a gdoc. I would really appreciate your help. :twilightsmile: I don't want to inconvenience you though.

If you go through with this I will for sure be indebted to you, and give you the credit you deserve for this service. If you really don't mind doing this, either PM me or reply to this comment. :twilightsmile:

3404519 :pinkiehappy: Well glad to hear it. Hopefully the next chapter will be to your liking as well.

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