Um...Twilights a Unicorn right? Well Duh of course she is....well she could have just TELEPORTED TO THE LIBRARY!!! But she was scared so maybe she couldn't concentrate...guess thata's her excuse.
OMG, Twilight already HAS a satallion??? I wonder who it could be?!?!?!!
Ah, Pretending to do college homework. I am familiar with this. TOO familiar. Last time i tried focusing on my math work I fell asleep for a little under an hour. I've got like, fifty word-problems to do (I HATE THOSE!!!) and I am doing Math 015. Lucky me. I SUCK at math.
The only, ONLY, thing you need to work on is dialogue.
What I mean is every time you have a different character speak, hit that enter button.
Otherwise it looks like there's only one pony speaking to himself/herself.
Twilight smiled at him kindly and shrugged. ”I couldn’t let another pony get attacked like that. We’ve lost too many ponies as it is. Besides, you seemed like you might be very helpful.” She walked to the back of the room and climbed up to the loft. “What do you mean helpful?” Valor asked, taking in the surroundings. “While I don’t exactly know what’s going on here, I feel that it’d be a safe idea to get the Elements of Harmony together and see if we can fix this.”
Like this paragraph for instance, I would put a break after the word 'loft.'
If you don't want to fix the dialogue, that's okay.
tsrif. read tomorrow (sorry for being a douche-bag)
Um...Twilights a Unicorn right? Well Duh of course she is....well she could have just TELEPORTED TO THE LIBRARY!!!
But she was scared so maybe she couldn't concentrate...guess thata's her excuse.
OMG, Twilight already HAS a satallion??? I wonder who it could be?!?!?!!
Ah, Pretending to do college homework. I am familiar with this. TOO familiar. Last time i tried focusing on my math work I fell asleep for a little under an hour. I've got like, fifty word-problems to do (I HATE THOSE!!!) and I am doing Math 015. Lucky me. I SUCK at math.
Be interested in prereading
huh. yeah... the teleportation thing is a bit of a plot-hole.....
Alright, I'm gonna say this now instead of later.
The only, ONLY, thing you need to work on is dialogue.
What I mean is every time you have a different character speak, hit that enter button.
Otherwise it looks like there's only one pony speaking to himself/herself.
Like this paragraph for instance, I would put a break after the word 'loft.'
If you don't want to fix the dialogue, that's okay.
This is the only time I'm going to mention this.
Now, a like and a subscribe is in order.
EDIT: *facehoof* 'Follow' not 'Subscribe'