The Creation Story
Rainbow Dash turns on her camera and sits down on the couch.
"What's up, champs?
Many of you don't seem to like that I like getting trolled by retards who obviously aren't serious at all. So I will now get myself trolled by retards who are very serious.
I will start to analyze the Bible from now on. For that I've already ordered one copy and what is the first thing anyone with a healthy brain should do when he or she picks up a bible?"
Rainbow Dash ignites a lighter and moves the flame towards the book. She immediately puts it out and says in an exaggerated tone:
"Oh no, that is something I would never do! *cough cough*
By the way, I never had religion class, am not baptized or confirmed, and by general means don't have any idea what I'm about to read. But let's dive completely unprejudiced into this holy book of filly molesters."
She opens the book to the first page of the creation story.
"...For which I actually payed 20 bits for! Come on, does it really cost 20 bits to create this book? One could assume that there are ponies out there who want to profit of the word 'God', or maybe yes?
If you take the production, the materials, the print, and the distributing into consideration, I can't really believe that this extravagant toilet paper is worth more than three or four bits. But that's okay of course. I am ABSOLUTELY certain that the money will find EXCLUSIVELY positive usage."
She turns back to the book for a second but looks up again.
"Oh yeah, did you know that the Bible is with two billion sold copies the most sold book in history? So if there's someone with a clue for merchandise out there, it's the church."
There was another short pause.
"Wait, I've just remembered... Aww crap, I really have to read this now, do I?"
"In the beginning God created the heavens and Equestria."
"Hooold on, in the beginning he created heavens and Equestria, but where did he put that if there wasn't anything else yet? Shouldn't there be some kind of 'universe' first?
And who or what is supposed to be this 'God'? In normal stories the protagonist is at least introduced somehow, but here we have to just accept the fact that there's some dude called 'God' coming along who 'creates' something.
Well okay, guess that's not too important...
"And Equestria was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."
Ahhh okay, so we already had water so you can fly over it. Nice. But what exactly now is the difference between 'God' and the 'Spirit of God'? Those are the first two pages of this gammon and I think that's a little bit cryptic.
"And God said..."
Oh look, now it's 'God' again and not the 'Spirit of God'. That dude is only used so he can fly over the water like a boss.
"And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good."
So he said 'let there be light', and I guess he created the sun by that. Gangster shit.
But let's focus on something else: "And God said, and God saw, and God here and there and everywhere." And, and, and. The most used word so far is 'and'. Was this book written by some filly who was beaten up on the schoolyard?
"... and, and, and, and then he hit meeee!!! And, and, and, and, and they took my lunch!!! And, and, and, and they did not help me!!! UWAAAAAAAHH!!!"
Am I the only one to see some minor connections here?
"And then God separated the light from the darkness, and God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night." Yeah.
So he made it so there were different daytimes. Respect and praise, dude.
Okay, now comes something I found very confusing at first. Or better said, I simply did not want it to be true.
"And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so. And God called the vault “sky”."
Okay, let's try to clarify this. God created the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above the vault.
We have Equestria here. There's water on it. That is the water under the vault. Then comes the vault, and on top of it is another layer of water God separated from the planet.
You get this?? The face cloth who wrote this actually thought the universe was made of water, and our planet had some sort of 'glass protection' around it, the vault, which keeps the water away. And God called this vault 'sky'.
That is by far... Yeah, really by far the dumbest thing I've ever read. That is perhaps on the same level of 'The world is flat' or something.
I guess those guys were like: *Points up* Blue! *Points down* Blue! *Points up* Water! Ahaaa! *Points up* God! Vault! *Points to self* Retarded!
"And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. And God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good."
... So... We have... Waterworld. With Kevin Costner.
Then the water has to gather at certain locations and the dry lands should be made visible. How exactly is this supposed to work? Where is the water supposed to go that covers the entire world? Did he pull a colossal plug so it can evaporate? Or did the holy Spirit of God take a giant straw and drank it all away as he was hovering over it?
But why didn't he just take less water from the beginning? Did God miscalculate?
"And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. And God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. And God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good."
Ah okay, so 'Let there be light' wasn't actually the sun, but only his Zippo or something. Cool story bro.
But why did he even make day and night a second time? Was his first day and night not 'fresh' enough yet and so he made 'Day and Night - Reloaded'? 'Day and Night 2.0 - Now with extra deluxe lights'?
It was said in the beginning that God separated the light from the darkness and called the light 'day' and the darkness 'night'. And then that there would be lights in the vault to separate day and night. So he already made day and night but created the transition between day and night later?
Did the author of this text really think that those lights in the vault don't actually have anything to do with the actual brightness and are only there for decoration? But I mean, as today we've also learned that there's a giant paddling pool covered by a gigantic glass bulb in the universe, I doubt there's anything that's not possible!
"Then God said, “Let us make ponies in our image, in our likeness"."
Who is 'us' now? He and his spirit? Some other gods? His wasted homies cheering to him from the side? "God! God! God! Ey yo, how 'bout you make ponies, yo! In our likeness and stuff, biatch!"
"So God created ponies in his own image, in the image of God he created them; stallion and mare he created them. And God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number"."
Okay, let's try to understand this. Equestria is according to today's scientific research about 4.5 billions years old, and was according to this book only created a few days before ponies, so ponies are apparently also 4.5 billion years old. So we survived both the dinosaurs and the ice age.
Now that's some amazing stuff right there! I always thought there was this little thing called 'evolution'. How silly of me!
But okay, that was the first chapter of the Bible. What can I say now?"
Rainbow Dash looks at the lighter.
"Oh noo! Hehe.
In the next episode, provided religious fundamentalists didn't burn me to death on the pyre by then, you will see 'The Paradise'. Yeah."
She moves towards the camera and turns it off.
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... My emotions are so conflicted about reading this. All I will say is congratulations for fucking up my head with this... Thing.
Prepare for religious flame war in 3...2...1...
Also I believe that anyone that calls himself Christian has duty to burn those good damned child molesters and scam artists in the Vatican alive, not protect them like they do right now. If you are not doing that and calling yourself Christian, you are fucking accomplice.(well if you are one of those protestant tingimajigies you are excused from Vatican, but there are plenty in your church too). If you dont go to church you are not really Cristian too, just some crazy person that prays to an invisible dude from a bullshit book. If you dont believe in going to church and bible, you are not really Cristian. You just believe in higher power, and there is noting wrong wit that, its as bad as not crossing a road after black cat walks over it, or not eating wile looking in a mirror. Bit unreasonable, but who cares?
You know, one doesn't have to be a "Young Earth Creationism Bible-Thumping Fundamentalist" to find this sort of thing tiresome. Even as an agnostic, I can't say I saw much "humor" or "comedic value" in this little screed; dissections of the Bible have been done far better, and far more humorously, than this. And frankly, this sort of thing has been done so many times before that it's nowhere near as "edgy" or "daring" as you probably like to think it is. (Kind of like how M. Night Shaymalan's "twist endings" no longer have any impact now that he's done it so many times that everyone sees it coming by the end of the first reel.) You want to be "edgy"? Try dissecting the Koran the same way -- that, at least, would be something different. (Though if done with the same ham-fisted style you've shown here, probably not any more interesting.)
Even if just considered on its own merits as a piece of MLP fan-fiction, it fails. Rainbow Dash isn't Rainbow Dash at all in this story; she's you. You've turned her into an avatar of yourself so that you can make fun of a religious text, when nowhere in the series has it ever been shown that RD is as viciously mean-spirited as you make her out to be, nor is she likely to go spend 20 bits on a book she knows she's going to hate just so she can complain to everyone about how much she hates it.
My advice to you is, if you really want to pick fights with people over the supposed failings of their religion, go find a discussion board devoted to religion and have at it. If you want to write an MLP:FIM fanfiction, throw this idea away and try writing something which uses the characters as themselves, rather than as mere mouthpieces for your sociopolitical opinions, and which has an actual plot behind it.
Of course, if you're one of those strange people who gets his jollies out of trolling for negative reactions, and collecting downvotes and outraged comments was your whole reason for posting this in the first place, then... carry on, I suppose. Seems pretty pathetic to measure your sense of self-esteem by how many people you can goad into hating you, but whatever floats your boat.
2731215 I'm Christian, but that doesn't mean I take part in this entire over-the-top bullshit. The distance between my religious opinions and agnosticism is just inches and I merely hold this title.
2731312 I already knew this comment would come, and it hits me as unprepared as I thought, because it is all true. Don't think that I'm here to troll people and just want to harvest hate. The whole reasoning behind writing this story was because I wanted to write a story, not because I actually wanted to express hate against religion. This isn't me in that story, but a hypothetical person to hate against religion. I don't want to pick fights or something like that, as my opinions are as neutral as it can get.
RD is a tool in this story, there's no doubt about that. I was actually unsure who to pick first, as it could've been anyone, even Celestia. The choice ultimately fell upon Dash purely because of that cover image. Nothing else. If I wanted to I could swap out the entire character by just replacing a few words, and that feels wrong.
Defending my case here feels undeserved, so I'll leave it at that. I know already what a second and third chapter would be like, so I may write them just for the heck of it, but then I will put closure on this thing and call it a day. As I've said, I merely wrote this for the sakes of writing, and the idea stuck with me ever since I watched that video I've linked to in the description.
Thanks for your feedback!
Oh hey, look. It's a spot-on impression of every single anti-religious Youtube vlogger ever.
This is why I stopped taking atheism seriously a long time ago.
Dude you can hide behind your "Its only a comedy" shield all you want (even though this isn't remotely funny) but this is a really offensive story. Its boring, predictable, completely pointless and not funny enough to get away with just insulting like 3 quarters of the globe that follow this faith.
2731507
Okay, I'll be fair and take you at your word, here.
That being the case, then the reason why this fails as a story (regardless of the subject matter) is... there's no story here. A story is what happens when you have a character who starts at one place, and ends at another place. The character starts off having a goal they need to achieve, or having a set of circumstances imposed on them that they need to overcome; and then, through the progression of the plot, they eventually end up achieving the goal and overcoming the obstacles. It can either be an epic quest, like reuniting the Elements of Harmony, or it can be something which is important to the character themselves even if others think it's fairly trivial (like Rainbow Dash going to ridiculous lengths to cover up the fact that she's reading a Daring Do book because she thinks everyone will think she's uncool for reading it) -- the important element is, something happens which changes your character in some way. Twilight Sparkle learns that there's more to life than books, and in opening herself up to the idea of having friends, becomes the key to defeating Nightmare Moon and restoring Celestia's sister Luna to her true self. Rainbow Dash realizes reading Daring Do books won't make her a nerd. Scootaloo learns to face her real fear, which is that RD will think less of her just because those scary campfire stories got to her -- and in facing that fear, learns that RD still thinks she's cool and she had nothing to be afraid of.
Or, to cite some fanfic examples on this site: Luna takes offense to Celestia's suggestion that her cooking skills are somewhat lacking, decides to show her sister up by making breakfast on her own, but being unfamiliar with the kitchen utensils of this modern age, wacky hijinks ensue. Twilight and Applejack wake up one morning after a night of cider drinking, discover they're both wearing wedding bands, and try to figure out what the hell happened and how to get the rings off. Scootaloo is determined to fly no matter what the cost, even though everyone around her believes she never will. Diamond Tiara is in a serious accident; when she comes out of her coma, she's lost her memory, and has to rebuild a new life for herself while trying to make amends for the unpleasant bully everyone remembers her as, but which she has no memory of herself. A human ends up in Equestria, and finds himself in the midst of a contest being waged by multiple draconequii to take over as the new Avatar of Chaos to replace Discord -- with hints that he may qualify as one of the contestents, even if he doesn't realize it.
Those are stories. What this is here, isn't really a story at all, because there's no indication that Rainbow Dash is about to learn anything, or that there's any obstacles for her to overcome, or even that anything of interest is going to happen to her. She's just going to sit here and read lines from a book and then snark about them. This is what's called a "Fisking" -- which can be entertaining if done well, but it belongs squarely in the category of "editorial" rather than "story." I'm actually rather surprised this passed moderation to begin with, since it seems to go directly against the posting guidelines prohibiting "MST3K style fics: for example, comments insterted in between the lines of a copy/pasted story."
If you really want to write a story: Pick a character, or a group of characters; set a goal for them to achieve, think of some obstacles for them to overcome along the way, decide whether you want it to be a serious story or a comedy (which changes the nature of the goals and obstacles), then go to town.
i actually liked it
2731864 Now that is the kind of heads up I needed! I'm not joking when I say I didn't know the exact definition of a story. Truth to be told, I thought anything that has characters in there doing stuff is automatically a story, but here we see how wrong one can be. :V
Well, I may come up with something better one day. Right now I don't see myself writing anything, as inspiration has never been a skill if mine. As said, I will probably make one or two more chapters and then call closure on this thing.
Thanks again for the feedback!
As one who honestly looks at the bible as nothing more than a children's book of Fairy Tales, i found RD's annalysis quite similar to mine.
I don't mind this too much, but I do agree with the others who say Rainbow Dash is OOC.
Also, in case you think so, I don't think the Bible actually meant that Earth was created 6000 years ago, or that we were created a few days after the creation of this planet.
I liked it and I support your freedom to keep going .
Just try to not Pick RANDOM parts of the Bible but a Whole story to complain about . IT's one thing to go Verse by verse but To complain about how a whole story is illogical is better :-)
On my Celestia, I loved this. According to my family, I am catholic, but stuff like this in the bible was what started turning me away. What sealed the deal was saying that same sex attracted people are not real people, but that priests were allowed to sexually abuse children. Wat. Even.
I shall follow this just to read the comments. I keep my bible right next to my books on Greek/Roman, Norse, Indian, and other mythologies. Cool stories but written before science, and too limiting on the concept of god. People who believe in the Classic concept of god have no real understanding of just how friggen big and complex the universe is. Also that same Universe runs way too smoothly with too many nice mathematics to not have some sort of design in it's basic infrastructure.
I find it funny the way people react when their world view is threatened with logic. Just don't be too obscene in your deconstruction of Yahweh.
2732112 Religious haters everywhere
Yeah, me too. My parents actually believe it, but I've actually never done more than contemplate that I remember.
2731672 According to friends, America is one of the only countries full of religion. I was born into a bucket of retards.
I liked this...
2747513
Your profile picture suits your comment well
2747513 In my mind, the best argument for a "god" is how complex the universe is which seems to be a valid point. I have no faith in the religious books as I believe too much harm has been caused by them.
I'm a Christian, but...
I guess I'm okay with this? To each their own. Whatever floats your boat.
You know... all that jazz...
I was getting angry but then I remembered one thing, Christianity is a successful offshoot of a desert religions who main book was written by men, men who had a different worldview and thus is probably 40-90% incorrect in some places.
Then I got the humor.
Nice work, however remember Jesus existed (source: Josephus where much of knowledge of the jews of the time come from)
what's a kevin and how much does a ner cost?
Use the KJV as it is the most accurate (98%-99%)
lol, this is silly.