The Fall
Maybe I should drink some cider first. I don't know if I can endure this torture much longer, Rainbow Dash says to herself before turning her camera on and sitting down on her couch for a final time.
"Hey there! Time for another Bible analysis.
Spoiler alert: Prepare to drown in pure stupidity again. I mean, that's what the authors of this book have been doing for the past centuries: They whip their dicks out and jerk off stupidity all over your faces, and 90% of all ponies are swallowing it. Mmmh, yummy!
But you know what I find even more entertaining? That all those God-fearing believers are threatening with violence. Looks I over read the part that says "Thou shalt punch thy neighbor, call him a son of a bitch, and tell him you fucked his mother".
But now let's get back to this ancient toilet paper.
"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the mare:"
'The serpent was talking to the mare'... This is just a wild guess, but did this guy by any chances also write the script for Dr. Dolittle?
"“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
The mare said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”"
..."
Rainbow Dash repetitively slaps the book on her forehead.
"I don't even have to comment this, do I? What could I possibly think of to top this bullshit? A snake and a mare doing... small talk? I mean, was the first mare ever really Fluttershy's ancestor?
Oh wait! Aww damn, I forgot, this is all just metaphors and isn't meant literally! Perhaps the snake was the... uhm, penis of the stallion, and the mare just gave out a really good BJ. And then her throat was so dry that she had to moisten it with 'fruits' again. And the snake wasn't even talking, but much rather... spitting. *Pffzz pffzz pffzz*
"“You will not certainly die,” the stallion's penis said to the mare. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.
Bla, bla, bla.”"
Let's try to shorten this a bit: The mare eats the forbidden fruit and gives the stallion some of it as well. Then they suddenly realize they are naked and feel 'ashamed'. Then God comes along and is like 'Waddup yo!".
Anyway, he's completely pissed off then because they were eating from 'his tree', so what does this bastard do then? The snake gets punished and must forever crawl on its belly, the mare should as painfully as possible throw her fillies, and the stallion gets the worst possible head-fuck with his farmland.
"After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden chem- chem-brum-bim, che-, chero-...... Chernobyl fillies and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life."
Okay let's get serious here for a second: What kind of asshole is God?? First he plants this completely pointless tree there, then he lied because the two ponies didn't actually die, then he punishes the entire existence of all ponies and snakes to come because of a teeny-tiny mistake of three individuals, then he throws them out and lets the garden be protected by doorkeepers with flaming swords?
Damn, that dude has some hardcore inferiority complexes.
If God is supposed to be such an almighty and all-knowing cleaning rag, why does he punish all ponies for all eternity, even though there is absolutely no one after that responsible for any of this? He behaves like a baby foal whose lollipop was taken away.
"Uwaaahhh!!! They ate from my tree!!! Uwaaaaaaaahhhh!!!"
Do you really think some little sissy like that created ponykind and Equestria? Well, I definitely don't.
And this is where I'm getting out. I'm done with this brain torture. Now where is my lighter?"
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Here's my problem (and I'm an atheist, myself!)
...
Hate speech for comedic purposes IS STILL HATE SPEECH.
End of story. Or would be if this was actually a story, and not just an excuse to rant.
2747513 I'm... having a real hard time to understand whether this comment is positive, negative, or neutral towards me. I guess this is where my language capabilities have come to a halt... :V
Ahhh, too bad, I was starting to enjoy... well part of this anyway. You were a little too antagonistic in this chapter I think. I would have liked to see you at least get up through the flood, or maybe even as far as Moses.
Granted, I don't see what any of this has to do with ponies... eh, whatever.
This needs more Invisible Pink Unicorn
2750999 Guess where that idea for pink Celestia came from.
2836493 what the hell are you talking about? America is not the only country on the planet to be predominately Christian and what would it have to do with my comment anyway.
Silly story, silly comments, silly internet. I believe everything is in order here! Thanks for the read.
2933392
Lol, I didn't even think of the irony there. That guy from the Ancient Aliens series makes me laugh my ass off.
2836548
you said 3/4 of the world's religion is being dissed by this, that's where he gets it from. *hugz* God loves everyone remember? Me you and everyone/thing
3345638
I once pissed a guy off by telling him his god as well as his world view was, 'So very, very small.'
2731672
You also have to realize that he brings up valid points, when the Bible was written, at least the old testament, it was meant literally. This, coupled with the inconsistencies brings up several issues with the core foundations of all Branches of Christianity. However, that does not stop me from believing in a god figure, I just believe that we have no way to grasp it so we throw our own prejudices and hypocrisies on god and say that is how it wants us to be.
;/end rant/
2731672
Hello.
First of all, I found this story amusing. Not my style of comedy, but it was amusing.
Secondly, you are speaking for a lot of people here, some of who are bound to disagree with you.
Finally, there are approximately 2.1 billion Christians on the earth. That is not 3/4 of the globe. That is not even 2/4 of the globe. That is just barely 1/4 of the globe.
I acknowledge your opinion, however I disagree. Thankyou.
This.
Is.
Awesome.
JuliensBlog found his way onto FimFiction. My life's complete now, I've seen everything.
4368651
Just for you looking on my page and commenting on this story I could hug you.
One of the most hilarious stories I ever read!
Speaking of Rainbow Dash though, I think she is very OOC here, (atleast I think, maybe if you read between all the lines maybe she might she's a magic pickle.
)
Anyway still damn hilariouos.