Through Crimson Eyes

by Level Dasher

Chapter 20: Reflection

“Crimson? Sweetie?”

“…What?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No.” Dammit, Mom’s persistent.

“Are you sure?”

“Leave me alone.” Why didn’t she do that the first time I asked?

“Sweetie, I know you—”

“Honey, please let him be,” Dad said. “He has every right to want some privacy.”

Thank you, Dad.

“Come, let’s go outside, hon.”

“But I—” I saw Dad give Mom a stern look. “Alright.” As she trotted to the door, Mom said, “We’ll be right outside, sweetie.”

“Fine.”

Tess came by after school as usual, although a little later than normal; she brought Starry with her. I could hear them talking with my parents outside my door. When they finally came in, Mom and Dad stayed in the hall. Starry had a couple of paint stains on his coat. He looked kinda funny… but it still didn’t make me feel any better.

“Hey, dude. You okay?” Starry asked, but he clearly already knew the answer.

“Crimson, I’m so sorry.” Tesla put a hoof on mine.

I tried to keep a straight face, but it wasn’t easy. Luckily for me, Starry said exactly what I needed to hear. “Dude, you don’t need to hold it in for our sakes. Go ahead and let it out if you want.”

I’m not usually one to pour my heart out to anypony; I tend to keep my feelings inside. My parents say it isn’t healthy, but I just don’t like ‘talking’ to anypony. This time, though, I finally just hit the wall. I put my head in my hooves and let the tears flow.

“I just don’t get it, ya know?” I sniffed. “It was too soon.”

Starry tried to get a word in. “Yeah, dude… I can’t—”

“It was TOO SOON! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEM FOR HALF A YEAR! YOU MAKE NEW FRIENDS AND THEN THEY’RE RIPPED AWAY FROM YOU BEFORE YOU GET A CHANCE TO REALLY KNOW THEM!” I’d lost any sense of restraint. I felt like I was standing on a cliff and had fallen over the guard rail. When I hit bottom, something broke inside, and I couldn’t stop yelling. I’ve never, ever yelled like that. I figured they could hear me all the way down the hall, but I didn’t care. “BLACKHAWK WASN’T ENOUGH! STRIPES HAD TO GO, TOO! AND HE WAS GETTING BETTER! WHY’D THE STUPID TRANSPLANT HAFTA FAIL?! IT’S NOT FAIR!” I dove into my pillow, letting it get thoroughly soaked. So much for strength…

After a minute or two, I lifted my head out of my pillow and looked around the room. My parents had come in; they stood beside Starry and Tesla.

Dad asked, “Feel a little better, buddy?” I nodded, allowing more tears to fall. “See? Letting out steam is a good thing— it doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. Thank you for that bit of wisdom, Starry.” I couldn’t help but let a small smile creep onto my face when Starry gave Dad a salute. Yeah, he’s definitely the son of a soldier.

I saw Mom take Tesla aside. I think she tried to stay out of earshot, but it didn’t work. “You see, sweetie? This is why I wanted you to be careful. Can you see how Crimson feels about losing friends that he’s only known for a short time? Imagine how you would feel if—”

“Why would you bring that up now?” If Tesla was making any attempt at trying to stay out of earshot, she failed miserably. “Of course I can see how he’s feeling! That’s even more of a reason for me to be here! If I’d lost a friend, I’d wanna be with the ones I still have!” Mom didn’t seem to have an answer to that— score one for Tess. “You keep talking about how I’ll feel if something happens. What about how Crimson feels right now? If I can do something to help him feel better, even if it’s just being here, you better believe I’m gonna do it!”

“Yes, sweetie, I understand that, and I thank you. It isn’t that I don’t want you here, I just—”

“You know, you’re not helping! Why don’t you leave us alone?”

After all the ones she’d gotten from Tesla, Mom finally gave her a glare back. “Excuse me, but I am Crimson’s mother. I have every right to—”

“Mom, just go.” I’d had enough. I just couldn’t listen to them arguing anymore; I needed quiet. “No offense, but… just go.”

“Well, I think that’s as good a cue as any. Come on, hon. Let’s let Crimson spend some time with his friends. We’ll have plenty of time with him later.” Dad got the hint.

After a pause, Mom said, “…Alright. We’ll be outside.”

I heard Mom sigh as Dad shut the door behind them. She mumbled something that I couldn’t hear, but I didn’t really care at the moment. Tess leaned on my bed and glared at the door. I knew this issue would keep popping up if I didn’t do something, and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I was going to have to spark the fire.

“Tess, what are you so mad at her about?”

“I… do we have to? I’m here for you right now.”

I had a feeling she wasn’t going to just tell me. I had to make the first move again. “I told you before, you’re going to have to tell me eventually. May as well be now.”

I felt her body tense against my mattress. “Right now? After what’s just happened?”

I sniffed and let out a sigh. “Look, Tess, obviously I’m upset right now, but venting really helped. I’ve kept that bottled up for a while. What isn’t helping is this argument you’ve been having with my mom. I hate to say it, but she’s right.”

She leaned in toward me and stammered, “Wh-What do you mean?”

I finally had a chance to get the conversation started. “Look, I know why you’re upset with my mom. I love your optimism, Tess, but you gotta understand something…” She flinched when I said that. “I dunno what’s gonna happen. I mean, look at Blackhawk and Stripes. I never got to introduce you guys, so you wouldn’t really know, but I could have sworn they were going to be alright. Now look what happened.” I couldn’t hold back some sniffles. “They’re… they’re not here anymore.” I sighed and looked Tesla in the eyes. “I love that you’ve been here with me every day, Tess. I really do.” Starry looked away, so I added, “Don’t worry about it, Starry. I know you’ve got stuff going on. If you could be here, I’m sure you would be.” He nodded and turned back to me. I rubbed my eyes and continued, “It’s just, I didn’t think about how you’d feel if I, well… left. That would suck… for both— all of us.”

I saw a tear form in Tess’s eye. “But it won’t happen! You’re gonna be okay!”

I smiled. “I’m gonna try my darndest, but say something does happen…” I had a really uncomfortable feeling of déjà vu as I said that. “…I don’t want you to—”

“I don’t care!” Tess jumped on the bed and gave me a hug. Starry and I exchanged glances as I hugged her back. She buried her head in my shoulder and said, “I don’t care what your mom says. I’m gonna be here whether she likes it or not.”

I sighed. “See, Tess, that’s what you’re not getting. My mom doesn’t have any problem with you being here. You may not think so, but she likes it when you’re here.”

She frowned and looked out to the hall. “It sure doesn’t feel like it.”

“Well, it’s true. You know how I know?”

Tess sat back on her haunches and crossed her hooves. “How?”

I smiled and said, “Because with all this junk going on right now, the only thing my mom wants right now is for me to be happy. And when you’re here…” I gave her a light bop on her muzzle and finished, “…I’m happy.” Her eyebrows tilted as she smiled back at me. “She wants you here as much as I do, but she’s worried about you. That’s a good thing for me, too, ‘cause otherwise all her worry would be over here,” I put a hoof to my chest, “and that’s one heck of a stressor on me.” She let out a quiet chuckle. “So, could you give her a break?”

Tess put her head down, but her eyes were fixated on mine. “Okay, for you.”

I softened my eyes and caressed her cheek. Her face flushed, and before she hopped off my bed, she gave me a light peck on my cheek. I let out a smile, and Starry covered his muzzle, hiding what was clearly a giggle. When she landed on the floor, Tess saw him and pushed him with a hoof.

As a new thought wandered through my mind, my smile faded, and I gave a heavy sigh. Starry asked, “You okay?” It was a legitimate question this time around.

“Yeah, kinda.” I had already done one round of venting. I figured another one couldn’t hurt. “Can I tell you guys something?”

“Of course, dude,” Starry replied. Tess just nodded slowly. I guess the mood shift had left her speechless. She probably expected a different reaction from me.

I decided to just pour it out. Exactly what and how much I was going to pour, I didn’t quite know yet. “I’m not really sure what to feel right now. I mean, obviously I’m upset about Blackhawk and Stripes, but I mean, should I be surprised? They had it pretty rough. It’s just, I was always worried about them, but I didn’t know how worried I really should have been from the start. I guess part of me wanted to be optimistic…” I looked at Tess as I said that. “…but another part of me was just constantly worried. I think part of me knew… but I just tried to shut it out. I hoped for the best… but it just didn’t work out.” I wiped my eyes on part of my sheet.

“I… I just don’t know if that’s how I feel about myself, too.” Starry’s expression turned grim as I spoke, and Tess leaned on my mattress again. “I mean, how long has it been since my transplant? Four years? All the junk I’ve had to deal with— I’m sure there’s been risks. I probably could have bit it any time. I guess it wasn’t until I got stuck with this crummy cancer that I really started to think about that. I could… I could just be gone. Like, at any time.” I put my head in my hooves. “Like Blackhawk and Stripes… and that’d be it.” I looked at Tess and Starry; both of them had a single tear in one eye. I sighed. “I mean, I wouldn’t be happy about it, but…

“…But maybe it’d be okay…”

Comments

[Topaz Moon]

Again nice chapter.

[Dreams of Ponies]

A lot of feels, all over the place. This kind of struggle is hard on everypony, especially the ones closest to you. You want to believe with everything you are that everything will be alright, but somewhere in the back of your mind is this traitorous little thing reminding you what if... You just need to snatch 'em up and shoot him in the head, there, no more pessimism, eheh