Times Feathers

When Fluttershy is out in the meddow playing with her small critter friends she finds something that she never even dremt of. For Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy fighting ponies with evil on their mind is nothing new. With the Elements of Harmony on their side they can over come any obsical. But what happens the their friends are taken away from them and all they have left is a strange stallion?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Astro

Astro #1 · May 5th, 2013 · · ·

Why did you leave so much broken grammar in the description..

WarriorofManyFaces

WarriorofManyFaces #2 · May 6th, 2013 · · ·

Okay then. Since it seems that people are disliking without commenting, I'll be blunt and let you know what needs to change here. Understand, I'm not trying to flame here, it's just that you need to fix stuff and I'm no good at sugarcoating stuff.

First and foremost, you need a proofreader. Your "paragraphs" are far too long and have a tendency to make the reader's eyes glaze over, new speakers need to have their own paragraph in particular, and there's a lot of problems with punctuation and such that can be easily fixed with a proofreader. That would solve 90% of this fic's problems right off the bat; it's difficult to see if the fic is good or bad because it's formatted in a way that just plain makes it hard to read.

Second off, your grasp on the characters of Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash seems off. Fluttershy seems far more timid than she should be (remember that she stood up to a cockatrice while it was turning her to stone and a dragon, which she's terrified of, not to mention Nightmare Moon and Discord). Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash is needlessly aggressive. Sure, she's brash and competitive, but she doesn't have the hair-trigger temper you display here. Nor is she quite this insensitive when it comes to Fluttershy. That being said, I do like the one moment of characterization you gave Rarity. It is, perhaps, less sophisticated than I would expect her dialogue to be, but I could easily imagine a similar moment in-show, so you have that going for you.

Third off... was there a point to dying Rainbow Dash's mane pink? It seems irrelevant and kinda silly to me; after all, people don't dye their hair pastel when Celestia visits, so why should they for Cadance?

Finally, your villain is intriguing, no-nonsense, and has potential if you handle her right. But I do have an issue with one thing about her: her name. Milan? It may not be too bizarre a pony name, given that Sombra is canon, but Sombra at least means something; it's a play on the word "somber", which is the emotion he tends to cause in his slaves. But when I google Milan, the first three results are a city in Paris, a beauty institute, and a clothing store. Hardly intimidating or meaningful, unless you know something I don't.

In short, this fic has potential, but it's currently not being handled very well. I do believe that with a proofreader, however, most of these issues can be fixed and you'll be able to salvage this into something that might actually be enjoyable to read.

Derpyslittlesecret