Bella enters her house and begins packing as best she can, all while screaming out the door about how she hates Edward. Charlie keeps trying to ask what’s going on, but Bella’s nearly incoherent, yelling that she hates Forks and wants to go back to Phoenix. Then Charlie drops a bombshell: her mother, Renee, might be back in Phoenix at the end of the week, as Renee’s husband is having trouble finding a job in Florida (he’s a minor league baseball player, in case you’ve forgotten), but an Arizona

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Well, the experiment seems to be a dud. I haven't been able to generate much interest and the timing is such that even though I'm not on the front page, updates will not show up in the updated stories list.

Common carnival fare?! Why, I oughta...

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Bella awakes in a hotel in Phoenix at three in the morning. Thinking back, her memories of the trip are a haze, and she vaguely remembers falling asleep. Alice and Jasper sit and watch TV, waiting for a call from Carlisle about an update, any update. Bella has some anxiety over the Cullens going against James (five against two isn’t bad odds!), but Alice says their only fear is losing Bella, because:

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If you're playing World of Warships, please watch for other players on your team before firing your torpedoes... please?

Yeah, probably not what you were expecting.

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Bella wakes up in a hospital, Edward at her side. According to him, she’s got a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, and bruises everywhere, on top of losing a lot of blood. The explanation he gave to the doctors and Bella’s parents is that she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. Supposedly, that could plausibly happen to her.

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Bella has another dream about the immortal child, again with the Volturi coming for him, only this time she feels powerful and wants to protect him. Why? ’Cause he’s purty? Didn’t you hear about all the destruction they could cause? The Volturi are trying to keep vampires secret and keep humans from hunting them down. It’s not like they’re stomping around, going, “No fun allowed!” It’s like they’re trying to keep you from skating somewhere because that somewhere is a minefield. When she wakes

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You know things are even worse when you feel tired for complaining about all the padding.

Jacob arrives at the Cullens’ and finds a fresh set of clothes waiting for him. As he’d torn his last set changing when he left the house last chapter, he’s grateful. He re-enters the living room and finds that it’s back to mostly normal, with no hospital bed or anything. Bella hears Jacob enter and her face lights up.

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What do I look like? A writer? You need some good prose? You need some good characters? TOO BAD. They’re mine. You’re not getting anything.

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Waiting for the damn book to end already. Notice something different about the chapter title? For the next ten or so chapters, the book’s narrated by Jacob instead of Bella. And if he’s anything like he was at the end of Eclipse, this is going to be painful. VERY. VERY. PAINFUL.

There’s a “preface” for this section, too. This is it, in its entirety:

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

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“Please open the door, and have him hand the money to you, I’ll collect my cut after we finished our business. How long did he request.” Her voice was sounding more professional though Rumble wished he could’ve walked in right than so he could meet this mysterious woman. His heart pounding faster as Rumble imagined what he might’ve gotten himself into. Could he run away? Could he just take his money and get the hell out of here. But he was sure they wouldn’t give him his money back,

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SPOILER WARNING!!

So, after watching the latest episode of stranger than fan fiction, and boy does it really capture the convention experiences and kinda pokes fun at fandoms. Not in a bad way, cause let's face it everything in this episode about us in the fandoms IS true. All in all it was a thrill to watch.

Over crowded halls. Check.

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So. Last book. Here we go.

Clinginess Meter: 0

I hate hate hate hate hate these prefaces. How not to do prologues. Skipping.

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The moment Bella wakes up, she realizes she can everything much more clearly than she could as a human. Everything’s sharply-defined and she can notice things that were too small before. It’s an interesting idea, but like many interesting ideas in this series, it’s botched. Like in this description:

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Today is Pioneer Day in the state I live in, a day when everyone celebrates the forward-looking, pioneer spirit of the old west that sent so many explorers forth. And I thought "You know, I can make a Being a Better Writer post out of that."

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As Bella and Edward drive home from Port Angeles, they begin discussing Edward’s mind-reading. Bella brings up why he can’t hear her thoughts, and Edward admits he doesn’t know.

”The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn’t work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I’m only getting FM.”

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Bella and Edward share some weak lovey-dovey flirting in biology class. It seems like the teacher had the class watch a movie just so Bella and Edward wouldn’t be interrupted while gazing into each others’ eyes. When school’s done, they leave to see a bunch of people clustered around Rosalie’s car, proving once again that people trying to hide out shouldn’t be driving flashy cars, you idiots.

“What kind of car is that?” I asked.

“An M3.”

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Billy and Jacob are supposedly at Bella’s house to watch a game on TV with Charlie, since their own TV is broken (although Jacob’s partly there because Billy can’t drive; he’s confined to a wheelchair). During the visit, Bella’s constantly afraid that Billy will tell Charlie about Edward, but he doesn’t. Jacob flirts slightly with Bella, and they leave once the game’s over. That was a whole lot of nothing.

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Let it be known that I’m not a big fan of vampires. I don’t hate them, they’re just sort of “meh” to me. And since I don’t care about them, I don’t mind changes to the formula all that much as long as they don’t stray too far from the base. If they don’t drink blood, for example, they better depend on something else. Emotions? Yeah, emotion-eating vampires are fine.

That being said, there’s no way to make sparkling vampires not stupid.

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When Bella wakes up, she discovers that Edward stayed all night to watch her sleep, which totally isn’t creepy in the slightest. During breakfast, he proposes that she meet his family. What with the different vampire powers, they already know about the two of them already, so it’s just a matter of time. Edward also mentions that Bella should introduce him to Charlie. Because Bella is a terrible, terrible person, she doesn’t want to. Not for any real reason, just ’cause. And:

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Alice’s visitors arrive: three other vampires named Laurent, James, and Victoria. They exchange pleasantries with the Cullens, having not had any vampiric company in quite a while. Carlisle invites them to the Cullens’ home, and this happens:

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