6085615
Sounds like good fodder for a semi-autobiographical story.

6085622
Heh.

I have no end of fodder, and I'm either actively or passively attempting to repress most of it. But life experiences are essential to nearly everything I write, yes. Hence this minific.

6085519
I've just been very busy. The puppy just got spayed, so she's been a terror, and I'm trying to put together a pony fiction project. I'll probably read all of these in the next few days.

6085519

I'm left a little confused as to what's going on

Another comment like this and I'll have to start a club: The Society For The Protection Of People Utterly Confused By Impossible Numbers' Writing.

So then I figure it's just Celestia's frustration.

Yes.

so I'm guessing he set something free

Yes. I mentioned demons and hellfire in the very first paragraph, so I'm assuming that was interpreted as more flowery imagery.

The fact that this doesn't go anywhere brings up the old "scene versus story" argument

I think I've found one of my major problems here, because I set out with the aim of depicting a character arc (albeit one that takes place entirely in the mind) which I could've sworn constituted a full story. Celestia has progressed from helping one pony to an entire nation, an escalation of do-goodery that's starting to wear her down psychologically. That's the set-up. Next, she grows frustrated with the increasingly bothersome ways her subjects trigger yet more disasters. That's the development, or escalation.

By the time she's trying to stop the incoming invasion of demons from cooking miners alive, she's at boiling point. That's the moment of truth. Finally, she sees the frightened faces and realizes that, however much she wants to, she just can't say no. That's the (in this case, saddening) epiphany. The story ends with her finding a way to bring her metaphorical temperature back down to safe levels, enabling her to prepare for the incoming horde.

Now, that to me looks like a sound narrative construction. Set-up, escalation, moment of truth, realization, and resolution. Yet it's coming across, and not just in your comment, as a scene. So what we have here, I believe, is a failure of communication which I need to address.

My number one suspect is the overuse of flowery (and coy rather than forthright) language, followed respectively by the extremely narrow time-frame, but I'd value a second opinion if you're willing.

6085615

If you ship a lot you tend to see high-octane shipping fuel almost everywhere...

Given the existence of crack shipping, I think the only way two characters can ever avoid accidentally producing shipping fuel is by wearing disguises while standing on opposite sides of the planet after transporting to completely different universes. Even then, that's only if less than three people (in a cave) know what the hell franchise they're from.

And I still wouldn't bet on it.

6088444

...wearing disguises while standing on opposite sides of the planet after transporting to completely different universes.

FFS, stop trying to turn me on Impossible.

6088447

You know you love it when I don't talk dirty.

I should probably offer some feedback before August ends.

6045077
I think I see where you're going with this, but I can feel the story's discomfort as it tries to cram itself into the word limit. Giving it room to breathe could lead in some very interesting directions.

6045119
Incredibly evocative, but the end result is nebulous at best. Does Celestia just reaffirm her resolve? Has she literally petrified herself along with the demons? Is she actually going to do something about equinity's apparent death wish? At the moment, I can't tell.
(reads response)
Ah, the first one. Yeah, definitely too flowery for your own good at the end.

6069636
This manages the impressive feat of going on a bit too long. It's definitely a funny scene, but the redundancies pile on after a while.

6071769
Huh. Before reading your explanation, I thought this might be a study of anxiety, of the fear of losing a loved one (or at least treasured friend) over something petty but personally unforgivable. It seems I was projecting for most of that, but I did get the pettily unforgivable part.

6072862
Well, if I can't have boiled changeling, I suppose delicious fluff will do.

6073259
I can't be mad at this. Not only is it an exquisite feghoot, it's also a lovely scene between Pinkie and her second mother.

6073625
A devastating "What if?" that really makes one appreciate all the good Spike did while avoiding the obvious solution. Nicely done.

>>FanOfMostE—
Hang on, scratch that last one.

6085519
Huh. Not at all what I was going for in terms of how Celestia rose to power. The intent here is that this instance of the Alicorn Amulet is self-aware, not necessarily controlling the wearer but always nudging them in its preferred direction of megalomania, which is the exact opposite of what Celestia genuinely wants. The last line is meant to reflect both Celestia's own deep desires and the Amulet's inability to alter its preprogrammed temptation routine.

That being said, I can see how you came to that conclusion. Something to bear in mind should I flesh this out. Thanks!

6089453

Thanks for the feedback, though I think by this point in the comments, my nebulosity is as solidly established as the brick wall I just walked into.

6088450

I'm going to masturbate to this, but I'm not going to like it.

6089453
Thanks for reviewing!

6089453
Yeah, that seems to be a pattern for most stories I submit to these contests

6045001
Who was the winner? Did I miss it? I've missed too many of these; it's September or bust for me.

6092168
It was FanOfMostEverything -- here's the results post.

And as it's now 1st September, the new thread will be up very soon -- within the hour, in all probability.

6092261

Many apologies, I appear to be in low brain mode here.

6092287
It's nice when someone joins me in that mode from time to time.

6088442
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I've forgotten the particulars of the story, and now that I reread it with your explanation in mind, it does make more sense, so it's going to be hard for me to reconstruct my initial confusion. I think the issue for me is in two parts.

One, we get a brief litany of disasters Celestia has resolved, and they do escalate in severity. It does suggest that pattern will keep on going, which is always kind of hard to believe, since real life doesn't work that way, but of course TV does. Enemies only get stronger, so the heroes must, too. But in that litany, there isn't a growing sense of resentment from her. She lists what she's done, then at the end, she's suddenly angry about it. That tends not to match her characterization in the show, which paints her has very patient and understanding, so to have such a sudden onset of anger causes me some dissonance. It'd help if we saw her growing exasperation with each. Having it all come at once is what made me think this might have something to do with Daybreaker, and the fact that she had to wrest it under control supported that. Only her sense that she did want to help her ponies at the height of her anger didn't fit with that explanation, and so brought me back to thinking it was just her fatigue at dealing with ever bigger disasters. So there's a disconnect between the emotional arc and the plot arc.

Second, all of this is informed and not experienced. By that, I mean that we don't get to witness her dealing with all these past events. We just get her summary of it after the fact, and whatever character arc she's gone through is already complete by this point. We don't get to see the change; we only get to know that it happened. This isn't an issue with my confusion of what the story meant, but it was an issue with how engaged I was in her struggle. It's also curious how she never considers she has several other princesses and allies who could help her. It's obvious that she would, and yeah, that can open up another thread of argument of where she doesn't want to put them in danger or welcomes their help while resenting the burden she's placing on them, but it just feels like an omission for it not to come up at all.

The uniting aspect of the two is that this was probably simply a story that couldn't be told in only 150 words.

6094071

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I've forgotten the particulars of the story, and now that I reread it with your explanation in mind, it does make more sense, so it's going to be hard for me to reconstruct my initial confusion. I think the issue for me is in two parts.

No worries. I'm grateful you took the time to help me out.

Your first point suggests to me that insufficient and/or uneven setup was a big problem, especially with a story this vague. This could be solved in future by intertwining both plot development and emotional response so that cause-and-effect are easier to understand. (And by not making everything so vague, of course.)

As for the friction between this and canon, now that you mention it, this is a pretty obvious oversight. On its own, it's probably not terrible. But when there isn't even that emotional connection either, it doesn't help in the slightest to have readers asking, "Why not just ask Luna, or Twilight?" And that'd need a longer fic to examine the subtleties of cause-and-effect, character motivations, and story logic; not ideal for a fic you can read in less than a minute.

Well, you've given me much food for thought. I'll have to think about the presentation of both ideas and character emotions in relation to each other, in particular. I had a similar critique from an EqD pre-reader over Her Song of Jubilation, i.e. lack of convincing emotional connection and not showing enough specific examples to make the "struggle" actually hit home as it should. Thus, it looks like this presentation of intertwined emotions and ideas is the main element to focus on in my future writing.

The uniting aspect of the two is that this was probably simply a story that couldn't be told in only 150 words.

I'll admit it's not a length I'm used to handling. Heck, a good chunk of my regular fanfic output consists of contest entries straining against the respective word limits, and we're talking thousands of words here.