Story: The Renegades

First Impressions

The Description:
"In a time where freedom is outlawed, outlaws will become heroes."
Eight years had passed since the end World War II and the rebirth of the United States of America. Though, even in the midst of a soaring economical boom, societal rifts between the humans and the ponies have progressively worsened after decades of combating racism and social inequality. 'Till one fateful day, it all came to a boil. Following a harrowing tragedy, and the immanent threat of an all–out war with Equestria, the U.S. Government passes the controversial Pony Registration Act, compelling every pony on American soil to be registered and interned. But in their darkest hour, ten unlikely heroes will rise to overthrow the system.
A Marvel x DC x MLP crossover.

An interesting hook, with only a very small number of problems. First, a spelling errors, immanent instead of imminent. However, this is overshadowed by the big question: How did Equestria meet earth? Was it always here, was it on another planet, or in another universe? It's need to know information. Also, the triple crossover makes me a bit wary. Doing even a standard crossover is difficult due to the number of characters, as each one needs some screen time and it becomes more difficult to keep track of them all, an even bigger problem for a large universe like DC or Marvel.

The Story

Chapter one: Title, "Episode one, the Prodigies."

First and foremost, this story needs a proof-reader to catch the grammar errors and hard to understand sentences. What's impressive is that this story can set the mood very well despite these shortcomings. There's at least one error every couple of paragraphs, but I still find myself reading avidly and wondering what happens next. The fight scene is well choreographed, although it could use some polish, and it does a good job of making you root for the right person, while giving some insight into the mindset of the gangmembers. It took halfway through the chapter to meet this "Howard Stark," a name instantly recognizable to anyone who has seen Captain America or Iron Man 2, which is a minor point of contention, but it flowed decently enough to get this a pass.

However, it still doesn't address the main question: How did Equestria end up in this universe? I'm still in the dark, and that's not a good thing.
Main thought: This story does not have to be a crossover. In fact, it doesn't have to be a fanfiction at all. If you did a bit of name switching, and replaced the ponies with some ethnic minority, it could stand on its own as a full novel, and ( here's the big one) having it as a fanfiction does not add to the story.

Conclusion: get a proofreader, do some name switches, remove the DC and Marvel crossover parts, add an explanation for why Equestria is on Earth, and proceed as before. It won't hurt the story, and will probably make it better since I can't see Howard Stark acting like a jerk and swearing so much.
As an alternative, swap the ponies for an ethnic minority, and send this story to an actual publisher. It has the potential to make it as an adult novel, and doesn't need a triple crossover to catch the readers attention.

Just acting like Equestria and Earth have always been together is confusing, at least to me. It doesn't have to be an exposition dump, as all that is needed is a time, and a place, each of which could be placed in a different sentence at a different point in the story.

Examples: "Those ponies have been nothing but trouble since they showed up a century ago," or, "Our boys in the field are gonna have it rough, Equestria's in the middle of the Himalayas," etc.

It could easily be worked into a conversation, and as it's kept short, it wouldn't be boring, just world building.

This story gets my like, and if it follows some of the above advice, it will get my favorite as well. Stop trying so hard to make it awesome, just let it flow.

4199393 Fine with all of that, minus saying that you need an explanation for the Equestria on Earth thing.

I can't believe anyone is interested in some boring, dry exposition about how these worlds met. I don't hear people complaining about there never being an explanation on how magic exists in Harry Potter.

Not to mention, exposition is tedious and makes my brain numb. Does knowing really impact the story, and why should we care? You didn't explain why knowing how the words met is important.

4199436

Because just acting like they've always been together is confusing, at least to me. It doesn't have to be an exposition dump, as all that is needed is a time, and a place, each of which could be placed in a different sentence at a different point in the story.

Examples: "Those ponies have been nothing but trouble since they showed up a century ago," or, "Our boys in the field are gonna have it rough, Equestria's in the middle of the Himalayas," etc.

It could easily be worked into a conversation, and as it's kept short, it wouldn't be boring, just worldbuilding.

Thank you for the review advice, this is only my second ever, and I should have put this in the original.

4199436

Fine with all of that, minus saying that you need an explanation for the Equestria on Earth thing.

I can't believe anyone is interested in some boring, dry exposition about how these worlds met

On the other hand, I think that it's absolutely essential. The stage has to be set before you can put on the play.
More specifically, the various alternatives proposed in the review for how they met would produce vastly different outcomes when they met, so it would be nice to know.
It's also a crossover with two universes that love overly long-winded, technobabble-filled exposition, so the lack of one is strange.
Plus, exposition doesn't have to be boring or tedious. A sentence or two could clear this up without being wordy or complex.
I think my analogy is better. Yours compares two things that aren't as similar as you're making them out to be. And there are a lot of people who complain about that, actually.

4199436 In fact, I went back and added it.

4199486 Better. I think you should always include why something is good or bad, even if it's obvious.

4199480 Then why am I always bored out of my skull whenever I read something like that? The more people try to explain it, the deeper the hole they dig. The problem is when the suspension of disbelief is broken, not knowing everything about a setting. But that is not solved by explaining origins, it's solved by treating the subject diligently and with due subtlety.

For example, nobody cares why magic exists in the Harry Potter Universe, but the suspension of disbelief remains unbroken, so it works. Nobody cares how a large corporation started inventing robots in I, Robot, but the suspension of disbelief is unbroken, so it works. Nobody cares how Kryptonite got all the way to earth, but the suspension of disbelief is unbroken, so it works. Nobody cares how the Tardis is bigger on the inside than out, but the suspension of disbelief is unbroken, so it works. Until the Doc' does explain something, but let's face it, he speaks so fast we're not actually supposed to understand how it works.

In the Princess Bride, it didn't matter what country they were in: what mattered was the story.

4199521

For example, nobody cares why magic exists in the Harry Potter Universe, but the suspension of disbelief remains unbroken, so it works.

Why do you keep using that comparison? A more analogous Harry Potter one is "How has magic been kept secret for all these years?". We don't get a full, lengthy explanation, we just get bits and pieces of information. But those bits and pieces are still enough. That's what I'm advocating here. (It also seems a lot less boring when this kind of exposition is done in the form of information that is actually somewhat relevant to the plot. The Ministry of Magic is relevant to the plot of Harry Potter. Here it could be even more easily worked in, as it's about a law specifically designed to discriminate against ponies!)

Nobody cares how a large corporation started inventing robots in I, Robot, but the suspension of disbelief is unbroken, so it works. Nobody cares how Kryptonite got all the way to earth, but the suspension of disbelief is unbroken, so it works.

I'm pretty sure both of these actually do have explanations.

In the Princess Bride, it didn't matter what country they were in: what mattered was the story.

That's because knowing the country isn't part of a fundamental aspect of the story.

4199545 Don't think so. And frankly, even if they did have explanations, if I can't remember them and still enjoy the story, do I really need them?

And about the Harry Potter thing: very good point. But we still don't need to know how they escape a Muggle's notice to understand the story, and you'll notice how they gloss over all the muggle interactions. At best, it gets a throwaway line, and for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. The only reason a lot of it gets mentioned at all is to tie up an unresolved plot point, not to explain the universe.

Granted, if explaining the universe helps immersion (and I'm not so stubborn I won't admit that sometimes it does) then fine: but most of the time it's a point people feel they desperately have to explain, when really, you don't. Any old Disney movie: pick one at random, and ask yourself if you ever needed an explanation why some of the characters were animals but others not, for example.

4199582 I, Robot is certainly a weird choice for an example. While the overarching story lacks much of an exposition (probably because the world isn't very different and it's stated to be in the future (relative to when it was published) so reality itself explained the setting) several of the individual stories have quite lengthy explanations of their setting and the constraints upon which they work. (Runaround especially.) Most of your other examples are stories where the setting is not that important to the plot. Here, the setting is incredibly important to the plot; it's one of the plot's driving forces, which is why I feel that it needs to be explained. I can't suspend my disbelief over this one, at least partially because it's the kind of thing that wouldn't go unexplained in either of the comic-book universes upon which it is based.

Normally I'd ask you guys to move this argument somewhere else, but this is too interesting to ignore. Please continue.
4199748
4199582

4199748 (okay, you got me: I have weird examples bouncing around my brain)

Is it important to the plot, though? The conflict between pony and man sounds like the main issue from what OP has described. Not how they got there. And in a world full of things like: asgardian gods, aliens, magic, cosmic cubes... would a nation of ponies be really that out of place? They already have a nation of dinosaurs. And a Spider-Pig (I shit you not). But that's beside the point: OP said 'need to know'. But from what I'm told, we don't need to know. So why should we be told?

I'm not saying it can't come up... after all, if it's part of the universe, it's certainly not prohibited. But I can't find a lot of reasons why I'd desperately need it, either. The focus of the story is elsewhere.

4199806 You could try, but I haz admin rights. Besides, it's a pet peeve of mine, and whichever one of us is right, it's a question that needs an answer. Overexplanation. It happens with magic all the time. The need to explain things that don't need to be explained. I confess, I don't know how this argument will turn out, but I'll be damned if I don't want an answer to come out of this.

4199829 Dude, I already gave you the ok. I find this argument fascinating, and won't interfere unless you start swearing at each other, but you're both too professional for that.

In any case, I think it should be addressed, but in such a way that it doesn't mess with the flow of the story. For example, have the guys watching a news post about ponies, then one says, "Those creatures have been nothing but trouble since they showed up (X amount of time) ago," which could then be used to start an argument between two characters that contrast their respective viewpoints. Worldbuilding and character development, without being wordy.

This is the only comment I will have.

4199864 I ain't gettin' at you! Just saying, is all.

Feel free to join in, though. We could make this a three-way.

4199871 Nah, I'm good.

4199876 Aw well. I suppose we can already deduce your opinion from the review proper, though.

4199748 It occurs to me that in MLP we're given very little explanation as to the backstory of a lot of characters. Discord and Starswirl, for example. Now, I understand this is a whole different kettle of fish to Equestria on Earth, but hear me out.

We never needed to know where they came from in the show to appreciate what they were doing. In fact, the Changeling invasion came pretty much out of nowhere, as do most villains. Yet I never found myself minding this lack of background. It was never relevant, at least not to me. I can still enjoy the effects they cause. (Quick disclaimer: some origins are given, or at least, bits of it, like for Celestia and Luna, but I hope I get my point across)

This a better example than I, Robot? I admit, I don't know what I was thinking when I brought it up. It's hardly a classic.

4199829

damned if I don't want an answer to come out of this.

It's a very subjective debate, so I'm not sure there is one.

And in a world full of things like: asgardian gods, aliens, magic, cosmic cubes... would a nation of ponies be really that out of place? They already have a nation of dinosaurs. And a Spider-Pig (I shit you not).

It would not be out of place, but here's the thing: those have all been explained. The explanations have rather varied degrees of plausibility, but they exist.
4199896 That's because of MLP's style. MLP is kind of loose and whimsical. If it was in the style of MLP, I wouldn't really have a problem (and from the OP this doesn't seem like it's the case). It's a crossover with two universes that love to explain everything. (I actually think they explain some things too much... .) It should at least partially work on worldbuilding, and this is a good place to start.

4199974 Subjective? No doubt, but I'm still intrigued. Humour me.

Integrating an element into a universe isn't the same thing as explaining it's origins. It's the difference between giving Starswirls impact on Equestria and explaining his rise to power.

Now, I don't know how well our story in question does this (and frankly, if the issue has come up, it probably wasn't handled well, but only OP and other readers know) but realistically, if the impact of these ponies on the world is explained and given, that's what's needed. And that can be handled in diverse ways. If it has to explain how the two worlds meet, then fine, whatever, but I don't think it does, at least not necessarily.

The reader should understand the universe they're reading to the extent that they can follow and enjoy the ride. But that extent is quite limited, or at least, more limited than most people think it is. I've always been annoyed by overexplaining, not because it's so often tedious and dull (although that certainly doesn't help) but because people seem to be under the impression it's necessary. That's my gripe here: that understanding how earth meets pone is considered 'essential'. Worldbuilding or no, the story should be able to carry itself without it.

4200041 If it wasn't a combination of several established universes, I'd agree with you. I just feel that without at least a passing reference, they don't merge well. I see this as something necessary to understanding the universe. Because honestly, without it, I don't think I could. I'm not asking for specifics or anything, just if they were always there or not. If they arrived at a later, the specifics are truly unimportant (I don't care why, where or when, unless it was a key part of the story. The effect it would have wouldn't vary too much.), but it should still at least get a reference to rule out the other possibility. If they were always there, say so. It makes things less confusing. A confusing story is not what you want, ever.

4200096 I agree that the universes being merged needs to be addressed, so that the reader can understand what's going on. But that still doesn't equate to knowing how they all met. Likely, in fact, any explanation that tries to go up against Marvel+DC+MLP is likely going to end up being ridiculous. It's one way to have them get integrated, granted, but a bit of cunning here and clever writing there, and you could, essentially have created your own world with elements from all three, all without needing the origins of the world as a whole. Just the important bits.

Also agree on the fact that if it's a key part of the story, them meeting needs to be tackled.

I guess it ends up being 'end justifies the means'. If the end result is a world I can get invested and immersed in, how they did it shouldn't matter. Maybe for this story, it does matter. But nothing said thus far indicates that, at least not as an only option.

Architect's Reviews

Shadow of Loyalty, by Admiral Q, Ponyform

Premise: a splinter timeline where Rainbow blows up at her friends after the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well episode and moves out of Ponyville. While the hook implies that Rainbow is going to get revenge on her former friends, what I found in its place was still satisfactory. If adjusted to be slightly less misleading, it could draw in quite a few readers.

Story

Shadow of Loyalty is obviously at least a partial rage-fic at the episode Mysterious Mare-Do-Well, but that does nothing to detract to from the plot. The characters shown so far are decently written, the emotion feels solid, if a little pushy, (Scootalo repeated herself a bit too much and came off as artificial), and the premise is interesting enough that I read this story for fun before I considered reviewing it.

This story primarily needs two things to make great. First, editing. Posting stuff unedited is generally not a good idea, and it applies here. Second, you need to go over the viewpoint of each of the other Mane Six members, and maybe Spike and Rainbow's other friends, such as their initial reaction to Rainbow snapping at them (which could be used to flesh out the first chapter), or their thoughts and actions once they realized she had left. Basically, take what you did for Twilight, expand it, then multiply by 5-8 or so. As mentioned by one of the comments, this story could really stand out if Rainbow never rejoins the group.

The Shadowbolt speech was a little hammy, but the idea of Rainbow becoming a masked hero is not. If she founded a team of heroes in Mareapolis, it could make for a solid reason for her to never go back to Ponyville. If they then bested the next challenge (like stop the changeling invasion), Rainbow could become truly independent, and show up her old friends at the same time. The idea has potential.

Conclusion. All in all, a solid little story, if a bit rough around the edges. Gets a like and track, and if the above advice is taken, probably a favorite.

Architect's Reviews

Story: Scattered seeds, by 111segasonic

Premise: Barry, the unseen protagonist from the game plants vs. zombies ends up in Equestria, fighting off ponies using plant towers.
I've got to say, I love this idea. It has a ton of potential for crazy shenanigans, as well as good tension with the conflict between Barry and the ponies. Unfortunately this story suffers heavily in its execution. The writing is riddled with poor sentence structure and the ponies aren't portrayed well as characters.

To start with, you have a problem I've found to be common in beginner authors. You repeat yourself frequently, and use the same descriptive nouns and adjectives over and over again. While linked, these are two separate issues, and will be covered as such.
First, repeating yourself. You write the same information 3-4 times in a row as it's relayed between different characters, using the same words. It's repetitive, boring, and annoying, and makes it difficult to immerse yourself in the story. State it once, state it well, and move on. If the information gets told to someone else, use different words, or better yet skip over the information entirely. Example: "Twilight filled Applejack in about the problem as they ran to the library," as opposed to a thick paragraph containing knowledge we already know.

Second, using the same word repeatedly. English has a very large vocabulary for a reason, and that reason is so we don't have to use the same word twice in a row. If you find yourself using the word big to describe something more than once per chapter, don't use big again. Pick something else, like large, enormous, gigantic, etc. This problem was once played for humor with Shining Armor's battalion when they attacked for the first time, but it fell flat due to a lack of proper timing and inadequate buildup.

Many of your sentences sound awkward, like they wouldn't be something that could be said by actual person. Trying reading your story aloud, and see how it flows. If it doesn't, that means the sentence structure should be changed. Actually, that's a good idea in general. After writing a chapter, READ IT ALOUD, and fix what you don't like the sound of. I constantly sub-vocalize what I write as I type, to the point I've got a sore throat after an lengthy typing session, but it really shows in the quality of my work.

I will note, that in the revised chapters 1 and 2, these issues are greatly reduced, but not completely gone. Just keep an eye for this stuff in the future.

Now for the characters. These ponies aren't acting like people. They don't have that inner spark of life that makes them act in their own best interests, instead of the interests of the story. They fall for his traps because they have too, not because they actually would. Celestia putting off investigating herself in favor of sending her sister and a ton of guards? Not happening.

However, I must point out one spot where you got not just basic intelligence right, but advanced intelligence. The debate between the plants on how to check whether the timberwolves were trustworthy was a classic example of an Intelligent Error, where the character tries to reason their way out of a problem, but fails due to a lack of brain power or insufficient data. While it suffers from the sentence problems already mentioned, I would recommend only minor tweaks to make the dialogue flow more smoothly.

Scattered seeds relies heavily on the reader being familiar with the game Plants vs. Zombies, and as someone who hasn't played that game extensively, I am feeling lost. Barry has access to items and weapons that seem like canon, but don't fit with what I know about the game, leaving me wondering what else he's going to pull out of his @$$. Taking an inventory after crash-landing might fix this, however, givnig the reader an idea of what he can and can't do. Otherwise it looks like the author is making up weapons to have Barry be victorious even when he shouldn't be.

In conclusion, this story needs work. A lot of it. Getting a proofreader won't help here, since the problem is a step above spelling and grammar errors. The narrative does not feel like it moves naturally from paragraph to paragraph, instead stumbling along much like the zombies that die under its hooves. The characterization of the ponies is poor, making them act like idiots because the story requires it, instead of a good reason like getting hit with an enfeeblement spell.

Architect's Reviews

Story: Precious, by Thespia-Rose.

Premise: Derpy and Dinky having cute times together. Simple, and straightforward
.
This story doesn't appear to have a conflict, which is one of the only problems I can see with it. If you expanded on Diamond's bullying, that could become the conflict, but as it is, it isn't.

Grammar is decent, as is spelling, and the only quirk that really stood out was the opening line, "In a small little home." Pick one or the other, but don't take both.

Mostly, this story feels rushed. It doesn't have the time it needs to grow. Try adding more about their days, more about Dinky's backstory, more everything. You seem to have a tendency to tell more than show, but that can be fixed with practice.

This story gets a like. It's cute harmless d'awws, but fails to really make an impact. If it was maybe double or triple the length, it could have a chance of hitting the top charts, but as it is, it feels like a synopsis of the actual story.

Architect's Reviews

Story: Bitterness, by PLCTheCd.

Premise: Twilight blows up at her friends after the events of "A Canterlot Wedding." I am immediately intrigued, the same way I was with the story Shadow of Loyalty. The concept is just good in general, and will attract a lot of readers

Chapter 1:

Unfortunately, the opening is somewhat rushed. It feels like Twilight came to her conclusion way too quickly, and needed at least another paragraph of thought to follow through. I can understand you wanted to get to the meat of the chapter, the arguments, but a proper setup is required. A good way to do this would be to write her thoughts, as they followed a train of logic to the conclusion that would push the story. It would take a decent amount of work, but as it is, the change feels abrupt. Maybe add a few flashbacks for good measure?

Also, beware strawmaning her friends arguments, where you make an argument weaker so that you can destroy it with ease. Don't do it, it just makes you look fake. Instead, try steelmaning their position, make it stronger so the defeat is that much more impressive. It's hard, but it makes a difference.

Chapter 2:

This is where the grammar started to become a problem. See the following sentence:

"We made Twilight miserable, and the only thing we all did was to made her worse."

What are you trying to say here? This sentence makes no sense. if I tried to parse a meaning from it, that meaning would probably be wrong. I can tell this scene is supposed to be about her friends trying to figure out what went wrong, but their speech is garbled enough that it makes it difficult to understand.

Chapter 3:

This is what you should have done in chapter one. Have Twilight argue with herself until she realizes what happened. The grammar is still a bit of an issue, but not as bad as before. "Of course, even if you did gathered evidence, they still wouldn’t side with you…" Although I wonder whether that bold text is really Twilight's thoughts (so subtle). If you're going to make Nightmare a factor, try making those thoughts harder to spot. At least that shadow spirit is doing a good job of turning Twilight, as the dream sequence was well thought out.

In conclusion, this story gets a like and a track, but not a favorite. It doesn't quite reach the necessary quality to be a great story, but all the elements are there. It just needs more time to flesh out the thought processes, and a good editor.

Architect's Reviews:

Story, The Dark Mark, by Shadowmane PX-41.

Description: The Mane Six, instead of letting Starlight Glimmer get away, follow her into the tunnels and uncover something horrifying.

Premise: The story of how Starlight came to be who she is, and do what she did. The Descriptions are at this point in time completely misleading because this is the first chapter in a much larger story. A better hook would involve bringing up the questions of how and why Starlight came to be what she is, and then mention the Mane Six following her and finding out.

The story:

Starlight makes a deal with a failed experiment. In exchange for an evil cutie mark, she must serve this creature (who is described as humanoid despite Starlight having no idea what a human is) until he harvests enough energy to recover his strength. Well it's a decent idea, it's bungled in the execution.

First of all, you have what I'm beginning to learn is the most common mistake made by novice writers: repeating yourself, by stating the same information more than once, using the same noun, verb or adjective a couple of times in a row, or using the same transition repeatedly. While it's not as bad as some stories I've read, it's noticeable, and it kills the immersion. I've found that as an author gets better, this becomes less of a problem, so it's mostly a matter of practice (and finding an editor willing to rewrite entire sentences).

Second, it feels like you gave us the entire plot before you should have. Doing this plotline (and by that I mean the mastermind behind the main villain trope) correctly requires her boss to be mysterious. You have to leave the audience in the dark alongside the protagonists until the big, horrifying reveal. Throwing it all out in the open immediately kills the tension. Instead of wondering what's going to happen next, I'm left bored, watching the protagonists try to figure out what I already know. To quote Monty Python:

A better way to have opened it would be to show her finding her way to the cave, opening the place up, and cutting away to the following scene before we meet her master. Then throw in a brief description from the point of view of one of her "rescuers" that highlights how she's changed (including false smile, shifty language, and new cutie mark) and the tension is set without spoiling the reveal.

The opening is promising, with Starlight shown to be unable to earn her Cutie Mark, and having gotten desperate enough to try anything, even really unlikely options. Having her talking to herself as part of the setup is a bit clunky, but it gets the point across without being annoying. A better option would have been to have a single phrase or thought followed by a flashback. I know, those are hard to write, but the quality is much higher.

In conclusion, this story gets a track. It takes a point in the story that I'd already considered, that Starlight Glimmer is acting on someone else's behalf, which explains the gap between her actions and he supposed goals, and expands upon it. I'm curious as to what horrors the Mane Six will find in those caves, but that's the main reason I'm sticking around. This story needs work, and hopefully this review will help that work get done.

P.S. (My personal take on the idea involves a magic hating monkey and a mercenary Starlight)

Architect's Reviews
Story, The Paper heart of Hearts, by saltybedspackle.

Premise: Button Mash has been working hard on a special Hearts and Hooves day card for a filly he likes. When things don't go as planned, his little world crumbles and he consoles himself with a nighttime gaming session at Sugarcube corner. The last thing he expected was a visitor to make him feel better.

While interesting, the description gave a little bit too much away for my tastes. Make it a little vaguer about what happens, and you're good to go.

The story:

I have one word: D'aww.

This story is pure cuteness, as it was clearly meant to be. The grammar is good, I spotted no spelling errors, and it was well paced throughout. The only thing I didn't like about it is that the moment you mentioned Dinky Hooves by name I knew what was going to happen, although the "putting your heart back together" metaphor at the end was a nice twist, and one I didn't expect.

All in all, this story gets a like and a fav. It's well constructed, with a good premise and decent plot. While it didn't blow me away, I'm happy I spent my time on it. As such it gets my first rating, 8.5/10, and I've submitted it to the Goodfic Bin.

4265606

Thank you so much for the review! Yours is the first formal review I've ever received and I'm very happy it turned out to be a positive one.

4265699 Well, you're obviously pretty good at this, so it shouldn't have been much of a surprise.

Architect's Reviews

Story, A Family Question, by Darknight923.

I'm doing a new review format. My reviews will now be split into two main groups, Concept, and Execution. These will be further split into two subgroups. Concept will have the Premise, and the Plot. Execution will have the characters, pacing, and technical skill, which includes grammar and spelling.

Concept

Premise: Twilight wonders if she's related to the Princesses due to Shining Armor and Cadance's marriage. While not the biggest idea out there, it does have enough merit for a one-shot, which is what Darknight did with it.

Plot: I'm sad to say, there isn't really one. Twilight paces the garden until Cadance shows up, she asks her question, it gets answered, and that's it. The story tries to pad itself out a little bit with some humor, but other than that, it just, kind of sits there.

Execution:

Characters: This story is pretty short, so we don't really get a good look at the characters, but they are at least recognizable. Nothing really good, nothing really bad.

Pacing: Pacing is good. this story has a beginning, middle, and end, even if it only feels like one scene in a larger story.

Technicals: Whoo, boy. First of all, the narrative style. This is third person, present tense. It seems to be consistent throughout, so I can't complain, but it's an odd style choice. The spelling is also good, as far as I can tell. The problem is in the phrasing. Take the first line of the entire story. "Twilight Sparkle takes a deep breath, stepping around in a circle in a part of the Canterlot Royal Gardens." While this sentence may be understandable (I've edited stories that were complete gibberish and required authorial translation, so that's a plus), it feels really awkward. It's difficult to say, and conveys a somewhat confusing meaning. This problem applies to most of the sentences that follow. I would recommend reading your story out loud before posting it. If it's awkward to say, it's awkward to read.

Conclusion: This story doesn't feel like it can really stand on its own. It's a cool idea, but that does not a story make. As for the sentence structure, here is what I recommend: come with a good story idea, then offer to Collab with a much more experienced writer. This way you will get an inside look into not only what a good story looks like, but how it is made. He/she will be able to correct your mistakes as they come, and explain why they are mistakes. You might even pick up on some of the more difficult techniques, like exactly how much of a scene you need to show. I'll give this one a 5/10.

Architect's Reviews

Story, The Misadventures of Sprungtrip, by FredBear87.

Concept:

Premise: Springtrap is living with the author OC. Weird, but original. It could work, it could not.

Plot: It's not so much a single cohesive chapter as a whole bunch of jokes and scenes strung back to back. While not the best idea, it can work. Unfortunately, here it falls flat. Come up with an actual plot next time.

Execution:

Characters: Fluttershy is in character for her few lines, Celestia is not. The other characters don't appear in the show, so it's impossible to tell. Celestia is not malicious, so turning someone to stone just for kicks does not ring true.

Pacing: Way too fast. This story needs to slow a little, actually develop the characters and set up the jokes.

Technicals: Surprisingly, this story has decent grammer and spelling, with only a few typos. Not at all what I was expecting.

Conclusion: This story makes no sense. It's delightfully silly, but still makes no sense. I was smiling slightly at the craziness throughout, but never progressed beyond that. The plot needs a significant overhaul, but I can see you're already more skilled than a lot of writers on this site, so that shouldn't be difficult. This is one of those stories that NEEDS a random tag.

Rating: 5.5/10. You get a like.

Am I the only one who actively reviews anymore? Anyway, on to the story.

A Small Breeze, by Shadowmane PX-41.

I've reviewed one of his stories less than favorably in the past, so let's see if he's improved since then.

Premise: Trixie gets turned into a Breezie. Simple, yet original, and it has a lot of potential. That alone makes it stand out a bit. Also, that cover art is adorable.

Plot: Trixie gets turned into a Breezie and has her memories removed by an unknown element, and the story revolves around getting her back to normal as she befriends the Mane Six. A redemption arc, basically. While it's been done before, this is a new twist and it could work. However, the initial reaction passes a little too quickly, with the Six jumping from surprise to helpfulness while skipping over most of their initial reluctance. Rainbow and Fluttershy are the only ones who seem to be reacting normally, while Twilight's forgiveness needs some sort of flashback explanation. All in all, it could be a lot worse, and just feels like the author wanted to get to the good stuff.

Characters: I mentioned this in the plot section, but the Mane Six seem to be too forgiving, or at least not cautious enough. While Trixie may seem all cute and helpless, we don't actually know that that's the case. She could be faking it, like the real Breezies faked being unable to travel so they could stay with Fluttershy. It's still workable, just don't make Rainbow Dash the antagonist. She's the one who's reacting properly, and should not be punished for it.

Pacing: Only two chapters have been posted, but the pacing feels a little rushed. Not a lot rushed, just a little. For example, a funny modification that would restore balance would be that Twilight doesn't know it's Trixie until Fluttershy asks for her name. Then you have the perfect setup for a humorous knee-jerk reaction. Again, not huge, but noticeable.

Technicals: I will say this. He's improved. The broken sentences are far rarer this time around, and every sentence makes good sense by itself. The problem is he's still repeating himself. A lot. Take this example:

Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Twilight were showing Trixie around the castle; letting her see each and every room in sight. For most of the time, Trixie stayed in Fluttershy's mane, but every now and again, she would pop out to get a closer look at each different part of each separate room of the castle.

Now, here's is what is says when all the repeats are taken out.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Twilight were showing Trixie around the castle. For most of the time, Trixie stayed in Fluttershy's mane, but every now and again, she would pop out to get a closer look at something.

Notice how much smoother that second version is? Readers don't like to read the same information multiple times in a row. Just say it once, and move on. If it feels too short, it probably is, but I've found from personal experience that as you get better, your paragraphs will get longer, and that's without repeating yourself.

Conclusion: Shadowmane has captured the two most difficult pieces of the story: the premise and plot. It doesn't matter how good your writing is if the story is just not interesting. The concept is good, but the execution needs work.

Rating, 6.0. You get a like and a track.

4362482 Thank you, Architect. I shall do my best to write more.

4363014 I just thought of a quick followup idea that could really turn your story into something special. Have Rainbow Dash come up with a ton of crazy scenarios to prove Trixie is "evil," but instead of having them backfire on her, have them result in fixing an actual problem that Trixie had nothing to do with. Example: Rainbow goes looking for evidence that Trixie is poisoning the water supply, and ends up saving the town from a crop blight. It has the potential for some ridiculous humor, but is also subversive, playing off your expectations before the big twist.

Architect's Reviews

Story: My Little Pony: Equestria Girls Alternate Ending, By Shazam Jr.

Story hook: Completely uncompelling and unimaginative. It says nothing to interest the reader in the story, one way or the other. The title is the same, just stating what the story is, and nothing more. There's nothing to grab your attention, and in a story hook that's an extremely bad thing.

Concept

Premise: An alternate take on the ending of the Equestria Girls movie, only with Sunset still being evil and getting tossed through the portal, and Twilight getting stuck in the human world. By itself, it doesn't really do anything. It feels like it should the opening chapter to a story about Twilight getting home and Sunset going through a real reform, not the one-shot that it is.

Plot: Besides the above changes, there's nothing you haven't seen in the movie. All copying, no additions.

Execution

Characters: All characters are in character, for whatever amount of time they are onscreen. Sunset get changed so that her character is more consistent, but other than that nothing special happens.

Pacing: Pacing is decent, not too fast, not too slow. I didn't feel rushed or dragged out in any of the scenes, but it didn't do anything to engage me, either.

Polish (formerly Technicals): Flat. That's the best word here. The story makes no glaring errors, but the sentences aren't very creative and do nothing to engage the reader. The wording is awkward in places, but overall it's passable.

Conclusion: This is why I prioritize the concept over the execution in my reviews. This story's structure is pretty good, but the concept is bland and uninteresting, and as such no amount of polish or improvement on the author's part can make this story good. Shazam Jr mostly just rewrites what was already shown in the movie, sometimes word for word. Those parts are boring because we already saw them, and the author throws in next to nothing new to keep our attention. It feels like it should have been the opening to a much longer story with two plot arcs, one on each side of the mirror involving Twilight and Sunset, but instead, we got a rehash of the movie scene and a one-shot that should have been anything but.

Rating: 3/10. I do not like giving a bad rating, and it saddens me to do so. Next time write something that isn't just canon events put into words.

I wrote a review that is not for this group, but if you like my stuff, you can find it here.

Architect's Reviews

Story, The Fall of Cloudsdale, by dragonjek.

Story hook: Just because a city flew in the sky did not mean it would escape Tirek's endless hunger for power, as the cloud city was soon to learn. It was in the chaos of his attack that Cloudsdale came to realize that magic is more important for some ponies than for others.
For instance, the pegasi needed it to walk on clouds.
And to fly.
For a father separated from his daughter, that flight is more important than ever.

An excellent hook that sets the tone very well and gives the reader a taste of what's to come.

Concept

Premise (the idea): What happened to Clousdale when Tirek paid it a visit? An excellent idea that was only hinted at in the show and had considerable room for elaboration.

Plot (the story): A father tries to save his child from a natural disaster (Tirek). Exactly what it should be, nailing the emotions, goals, and reactions of the characters extremely well.

Execution

Characters (are they consistent?): The characters are fairly shallow, but that's the consequence of writing a one-shot: there just isn't enough time to flesh them out. However, the author did a good job with the little time he did have, and I found myself rooting for Cloud Break about halfway through the story.

Pacing (is it too fast/slow, or just right?): Very well paced, fast enough to keep the plot moving but still taking some time to let the destruction sink in. It could stand to have some more descriptive detail, maybe another parent trying and failing to save his/her child as well, but it's still quite good.

Polish (Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, paragraph formatting, etc.): No noticeable problems with spelling or grammar, which is all I ever ask. The descriptions are the only thing in this story that I find lacking. It feels like it needs an extra 1000 words or so to capture the glory of the falling city that much better, but it still does a decent job as is.

Conclusion: Good story. I almost didn't read this because of the sad tag, but I'm glad I chose to review it. Just write better descriptions and maybe a flashback to some interaction between him and his daughter to really make it great.

Rating: 9.25/10, more or less. This one's on the fence.

4462477 Thank you! I'll keep that in mind in my future writing.