Things have been rather uneventful for Twilight recently. She slumped into a rut after no friendship problems arose in the past three months.
During a walk around Ponyville, Twilight found that a stray Breezie that had missed the trip home was nestled in one of the kingdom's bushes. After consideration, Twilight decides to take the Breezie home with her, so that her friends can decide what to do with it.
However, this particular Breezie is no ordinary Breezie...
Edited by Prak and Infinity Shade.
This story is being Proofread by Aeluna, Coda Crescendo, Randompig212, and PegasisterTheBrony
Chapters (7)
X-COM syndrome: you really want the map to give you something to do to alleviate the tedium, but at the same time you know it's going to be an absolute pain in the
to deal with...
(Also, I hate to be that guy, but it should be "Why aren't there any problems" etc.)
Okay is it me or do I detect a continuity error here? Nope there is no tag of alternate universe so it's really here.
Didn't Twilight herself cast a spell that transformed the main six temporally into Breezies? So she must have seen it before since she did it herself.
Considering she has her castle this means this story takes after the episode "it ain't easy being breezy". Because in that episode Fluttershy got her key which would unlock the box which would eventually become Twilights new castle.
But beside this error I actually enjoy the story so far.
5942484 Thanks for letting me know. I've patched it up.
5942502
NP, glad I could help.
Neato, Breezie's!
Poor Trixie, You luck that one of Twilight's friends can understand you
I find it extremely unsettling that Twilight would think of a fellow pony as a 'pet'. Not to mention that she was only a moment earlier trying to figure out how to help Trixie, so it's a little jarring that Twilight's entertaining the prospect of keeping her like that.
Other than that, it's an interesting start. Trixie seems a little muted, but then she has reason to be bothered.
5943386 Wait til Owlicious tries to eat Trixie
5943386
I concur.
MOAR! NAOW!
NEED IT!
GAUUUGH
one think i love trxie is that she become a breezies. damn now thats really cute
Maybe this should be a new trend for fanfics: "your favorite pony becomes a breezie" fics. I mean, there is already "your favorite pony is secretly a changeling" fics, surely this is not such a weird idea, right?
5945808 that should totally be a thing! I'm all for that idea!
The great and powerful... breezie?
5945808
I'm surprised it didn't become a thing after the episode. No, instead "Dash becomes a Griffon" stories abounded.
Except... the map puts a giant glowing light on their cutie mark. Why exactly is there any need to stare at the map at all?
Also, you'd figure Twilight would haven seen what the friendship problem in Our Town was. Starlight Glimmer's philosophy was an assault on the concept of Harmony itself; Harmony being the primary component of friendship...
¿is the poison joke?.
I did not see that coming. Trixie a Breezie. I like this so far. I'll read on and see what the next chapter holds.
5948574
That wouldn't explain the amnesia, so far we know Poison Joke only does physical things to a pony not mental. Also though I'm not sure but does Poison Joke only grow in the everfree Forest?
Wow, that was an intense chapter. Great job.
I get the feeling Trixie was comatose and was saved by breezie magic that turned her into one. Wonder if it's true or if I'm wrong?
Other than my speculation can't wait to see how the first day in the castle will be for Breezie Trixie.
Maybe try Twilight sat in the throne room of her castle, peering at the map inquisitively.
It will sound better with she would never place a hoof outside of the castle again;
This is only my opinion, but I just can't see Pinkie saying technically you can for example change it to She's just keeping
I'm unsure, but I think this may be more correct while grabbing Pinkie off of the map and making her sit down again.
You should change this to:She could discuss with Miss Cheerilee how the fillies and colts were getting along in their studies.
And: Or, she could meet Mayor Mare to talk about politics and discuss upgrades and various other changes to the kingdom.
I think that will sound much better.
for quite some time now,
some jokes
I'm unsure, but maybe it should be She
Drop the with
Maybe try this: However, the next thing that catched her sight was not on the road itself, but a small sparkle in a nearby bush.
Drop the know and it will sound better
You should really change sleeping to laying because at this point we still don't know it's a living creature, plus you say that it was sleeping also later in the next sentence or so.
"But why is it all alone?
Perhaps: After looking more at the small Breezie, Twilight remembered something.
I know somebody else already commented on this, but this sentence...just no. Believe me, your story is better of without it.
could be dangerous
that made her scared
room with the map or throne room might be better
You use eventually a lot
You might want to rewrite this, first of all, they would not believe she haves a boyfriend after such a short trip(plus it's called coltfriend) and they would probably not think as far as to marriage, but more of teasing her for who this special somepony is.
Overall I really like the story, it's original and you have no errors other than
Sorry my last comment ended so abruptly, but I had to go help someone.
Anyways, what I was going to comment was that you have no errors other than sentence structure, that's really good!
I really hope my last comment helps you, i took quite a while!
So yeah, nice story, i'm definely tracking this one, and if you work on the sentence structure it will be even better!
5950925 There we are. All neat and tidy...
Trixie is also
..."She said
I'm pretty sure it should be forgotten what they were arguing about,
Should it maybe be Twilight found her waking up
After the story had sank into their minds,
Drop the earlier
"Oh, indeed it was, Twilight.
This doesn't sound right, maybe you should try: I learned much more about them than than anypony could ever teach."
As the two walked down
Drop the that
bedroom, they stopped.
Twilight thought
when she first was discovered
one she would think was the suitable house to live in.
Try no matter the challenges.
Well, that was the errors I could find, and I hope it's helpful.
Good luck with getting the story to EQD!
I've reviewed your story for you, you can find it here. Don't worry, I was a lot less harsh on it than your last one.
Remember the expression "Show, don't tell"? This story has a lot of "tell" instead of "show". I.e. we're told what the characters feel and think rather than shown in a natural way. This is something that makes a story feel unnatural and clumsy, so you should keep a close eye on it. Try to get into the head of the character when you want them to feel a certain thing - how would it affect their speech, their body language and tells, how would it color their thoughts? Emoting is important, and actually not very hard, so I recommend putting thought into it.
I can't get behind the sheer unmotivated hostility from RD, AJ and Rarity. This is a breezie, a creature roughly as dangerous as a soap bubble, and she hasn't done anything fiercer than cowering. You'd have to be extremely paranoid to think that this is part of some kind of elaborate master plan, and it really doesn't suit them, especially not RD. (Responding angrily to threats and insults? Sure. Threatening to kill a defenseless pony? Uh, no.) It just seems too over the top. (Yes, I know it's been done in other stories. Didn't like it there either.)
5972464 Thank you for letting me know, Mooncalf. I'll get on it once I get back from school.
5972464 If there are any more Show VS Tell instances, be sure to let me know, Okay?
5973851 I'll try. I'm glad you're not getting defensive about it. Some people can't take honest criticism, you know?
I'll keep an eye out and let you know how you're doing, 'k? 'K.
Shouldn't this story have a Breezies tag?
This was a rather heartless reply from Twilight. Not really in her character.
5978484 I always seem to think that only characters who have a massive impact on the story should have character tags for the story.
The Breezies are only referenced as far as you've read, so it's only natural that they don't have a tag.
Unless it has to have a tag, referenced or not...
5978493 I just fixed it. Thank you for letting me know.
5978503 Really it's more the "Probably not" that's out of character for Twilight. It's a very heartless thing to say outright especially with Trixie there with her. Even if Twilight belives there's little to no chance of turning Trixie back she shouldn't say it so bluntly.
Maybe consider having her think "Probably not...", then hastily respond to Fluttershy with the line about trying her best to research a cure. It might flow better and make Twilight seem more compassionate towards Trixie.
Just my opinion by the way.
I approve of this message...
a small visit.
Hmm...maybe you should change this sentence or drop it completely, it is very tell instead of show.
This is uneccesarly long, try: Twilight picked up the rest of the grapes with her magic, and placed them back in the fridge.
trek? Are you sure that's what's supposed to be there? And this sentence sounds a bit odd, the castle isn't that big, maybe try began their long track towards the town. Or something like this.
by ponies
Instead of rather nice, try: pretty flower on it.
Drop the comma after Lily
Try: "Sure, princess Twilight.
It sounds much more believable.
This doesn't really sound good, try:
"Well, if Trixie can tell us something more about how the flowers she fell into looked, then it could give us an idea of what kind of flowers this was...
use her wings again.
The three?
I doubt Trixie cares much about decorating the castle in her current state.
Completely unneccesary.
grandfoals
What about Rarity?
Okay, that was everything I found. You have gotton much better at sentence structure now!
6021162
I actually looked this up, and according to someone online, they said:
You're good as an editor, but there's some points that you slightly forgot.
The same thing happened with EQD, when they said that you apparently got it wrong with the "She said as she stretched" issue. If it's anything other than the character's name, the letter is not capitalized after dialogue.
I'm not taking this out on you, but I'm just saying...
Thanks anyways, though...
6021184 Heh, I know I forget things, but keep in mind I use tree completely diffrent languages on a daily basis, so it's kinda easy to forget.
I try my best though, and it's better to point out something that might be wrong, than not.
In chapter 1, the gardens were in Fillydelphia. In chapter 2 they were in Baltimare. Either way, I'm guessing the strong wind she fought was how such a tiny and helpless creature got all the way from there to Ponyville. That makes sense...
The natural laws of Equestria send everything weird to Ponyville.
<Wait. What..?)
6179307 Thank you. That I didn't know at first...
Fricking Rainbow and Applejack.
Well, can't say I'm surprised considering, but still technically Trixie is a subject of Twilight's so it fall s under her to see to her well being. I was surprised Rarity was so easily swayed. But in spite of all this I still can't help but wonder if there is something to Trixie suddnely appearing as a breezie. Still seems odd to me but I'm a total Trixie fan so I don't care!
Keep them chapters coming!
You got Featured Big Bro :D
Remember the "show, don't tell" thingy someone else mentioned one or two chapters earlier?
Example (I'm not really good with explaining, so an example should do better):
Instead of writing Character X is nervous, write what Character X would do when he/she is nervous, say... Sudden movements, sweaty palms (it's just an example, don't chew me out for using that word), et cetera.
6343944 Thank you for reminding me.
Can you find some examples in this chapter?
Not sure what to do with this one, but try writing something about her tone instead.
"Sighed heavily", I guess? (Honestly, you don't really need to change this one, both can work just fine in this case)
Try something regarding her expressions instead.
On that note, have a sentence fix as well.
The word "quickly" doesn't work here. Try "quick" instead. The former is an adverb, the other is an adjective.
)
(Just wanted to calm down my inner Grammar Nazi
6345223 Thank you.
if ponies saw the trixe would they think twilight did it as a punishment? powerful alicorn all that probation curse... etc.
Great story! your words are a little rough some of the time but still, great!
Overall I liked the writing style, it was very similar to my own so I found it easy to follow while still providing key details to flesh out the story. But I also noticed some grammatical issues and missed punctuation so that's probably the reason for diminished views. I'd recommend an editor to get those kinks out but other than that it's a story with a lot to offer us all.
LateBronyWriter