ERROR 404: Comment not found.

4302145 lel, I geddit.

Read: To Spread Joy

By: Gumball2

Just from reading the description alone you can tell that is is going to be a look into how some fans view Pinkie's personality. Yes, we've seen her have an existential breakdown before, which has birthed tons of memes, case in point ()

We start out with Pinkie giving a young foal, Minty, her Cute-Cinera. Now, I have a personal problem with the whole 'Cute-Cinera' concept. Are we implying that all of the ponies are Mexican? This has been bothering me since I first heard it from Diamond Tiara, I mean it's pretty cool having a celebration for a foal getting their cutie mark. Which raises another point. What does a colt get for his cutie mark, a Cute-Mitzvah, or a Bar-Cutezvah?! Sorry about that, it just makes my head hurt. Anyway, Pinkie has yet again thrown a party worthy of recognition, and given smiles to the faces of all the children in attendance. A nice point in highlighting Pinkie's character which doesn't last very long.

Another newly formed memory of Minty's living room flashed before her. Although Minty was most certainly smiling, Pinkie couldn't help but notice something toward the ceiling. Her imaginary eyes went to a streamer and pinpointed a specific stripe— which happened to be blue. She then followed the pattern down the line— pink, blue, pink, blue, pink, blue, pink, blue, pink.

"Wait a minute! The first one was supposed to be blue! Not pink!"

I could understand Rarity or Twilight stressing over as minor a detail as paternization. With Pinkie not so much. Her character is one who is happy about just anything . She could throw a dark gory Halloween party and still be satisfied if her guests walked away with smiles. Honestly I feel like this shouldn't have been the point the point that caused her breakdown, maybe if the party was sub-par or if she put a lot of work into it and nopony decided to show up; that is what I believe could turn Pinkie into Pinkamena.

Eugh *shudders* as if she weren't scary enough...

Ahem, anyway... I don't think that would be enough to provoke a breakdown, which you could have did better with.

“Good morning, Roseluck!” she cheered as she approached her market stand. “These flowers are just beautiful!”

“Why thank you, Pinkie. Do you want one?”

“Yes please,” she answered. She opened her blue saddlebag and produced several bits from one of the pockets. She tossed them onto the wooden surface, causing unsynchronized clattering as the coins struck it. Upon seeing them, the flower pony grabbed a marvelous daisy and handed it to her customer.

Aside from feeling forced, even by Pinkie standards, I feel like this is a nice entry into Pinkie's dreamland, so to speak. We see her go about like her normal self which all changes when she can't cheer up one stallion.

The last stand in the market was controlled by Big Stick. His sharp, stern black mane, stone cold frown, and squinted eyes alerted her toward him.

“Good morning, Big Stick! Say, you look a little upset. Is there an-”

“Look kid, what do you want?”

His eyes narrowed until his irises were nearly invisible, causing Pinkie to shudder.

“Well, I can tell that you’re upset. And I want to make you smile so t-”

“Please, just tell me what you want and get out of my face!”

Becoming desperate, she jerked her head back to notice ponies at other stands. After confirming her assertion, she turned back.

“But nopony else is in line. You can talk t-”

“If you don’t want anything, then get out!”

No, hell no! Where is that Pinkie persistence?! She went about literally tormenting Cranky Doodle Donkey in A Friend in Deed for the whole day just to get him to smile. This is what makes most of us scratch our heads at how some of the characters are portrayed. I might even have to watch a few episodes just to remember what Pinkie is actually like. I'm not getting on this just to be a hater, I'm doing this cause it was a near blatant OoC moment that anyone could have and would've pointed out.

Turning away from the stallion, she was face to face with Roseluck, whom was standing behind her while she was ordering.

“What was the hold up?! Couldn’t you see he didn’t want to be talked to?!” the florist exclaimed.

The confidence that Pinkie had built up from visiting the other stands had been smashed by a giant hammer, leaving it in ruins.

“B-But, I just wanted to make him happy…”

“Well maybe he just wants to be left alone! Don’t you think that’ll make him happy? Or at least, happier than you screeching in his ear?”

Sorry, going to get a little ghetto and stereotypical here. Dayum bitch just a second ago you were smiling and all up in her face'n shit now you acting like she did you wrong, fing hoe
Anyway, This was highly unnecessary to say the least. I know dreams can tell you what you want, or put false realities into your head, but that just... Didn't fit.

Aside from that and my little *ahem* fit the end served well as a SoL lesson, even though the story wasn't tagged as such Still I love how Pinkie sees the cakes who are preparing a order and they immediatley point that they know that there's something wrong with the pink pony that lives in their attic.

Almost immediately, Pinkie felt herself enveloped in a deep embrace. Her eyes flashed open to see Mrs. Cake’s forelegs wrapped around her.

“Pinkie,” she said with her voice inches from her friend’s ear, “Mr. Cake and I care about you very much. We do not keep you here because we pity you.”

Pinkie did what she could to wrap her own forelegs around Mrs. Cake. She then closed her heavy eyes once more.

“I know,” the pink pony whispered.

Mr. Cake had finished lathering the cookies with peanut butter and had returned to the two mares.

“You’re one of the sweetest, smartest ponies we have ever met,” he said, “We are very proud to have you as a part of our family.”

That last line made her chuckle, although not as loud or strong as usual. For Mr. Cake, that was a good sign.

“I’m not actually your daughter…” Pinkie said.

“Maybe not genetically but sometimes water can be thicker than blood.”

Congratulations Mrs. Cake, you are officially best pony!

That actually made me smile. Here you highlighted how loving the cakes are and how they love Pinkie as if she were one of their own, despite her usual antics. It's a real testament to the actual show, and like I said it makes even the coldest hearts warm.

Now for the decision...

Accepting

I really like this story and will fave it when I'm done with this, but you suffer from two major problems that even I still have when writing. Make your descriptions lengthier, and try to add more emotion to the characters. It felt a little awkward towards her dream sequence like when Roseluck went all batshit crazy on her, btw I need to have a word with her.

Thank you for your time...

~Motm

4309144 I haven't read the story, so I can't comment on individual points, but could you be clearer on your reasoning next time around? Most of those points were negative save the last one, which wasn't explored in much detail, so I'm confused as to why it was accepted. If there's an element in there that outweighs the negative, could you explain why, and how.

Other than that, good to have you back.

4309157

I actually put rejected at first, mainly due to the negative points. The reason why I accepted was the message at the end, and how well the author's writing was. Also, it was paced beautifully. Ultimately a hard decision to make, but I accepted it by the skin of the text.

Thank you, good to be back

4309162 Fair enough. Just try to make that a bit more transparent. I take it life has cleared up?

4309171
Getting there

4310353 Well, it's getting worse on my end. But I think I've figured out how the XOR gate influences the stepper motor controls, so thankfully I may be able to answer this last question...

4301116 Thank you.

4316721
No problem, good story btw

Guess who's baaaack? You can applaud later. I've had a rough day, which is bad news for today's story...

Dear Diary

Quantity read: first three chapters

Rejecting

This here is a story about a human (Conner) who gets sent to Equestria and documents his adventures using a diary. Aside from being woefully uninspired, it portrays characters poorly, has a dull protagonist, and has numerous phrasing errors and grammar mistakes. I'll tackle each of these points one by one.

First: the story has little to no originality. The idea of HiE has been recycled many times, and I've seen this first hand (as opposed to just hearing about it on the forums). This one feels about as forgettable as most of them, with nothing that distinguishes itself from the mass of tired stories of the same type. I've even encountered stories featuring protagonists of the same name, and the idea of a teen in Equestria is about as old as time itself.

It doesn't help that Conner is dull and uninteresting. He gives no further thought to his life prior to his arrival in Equestria, which aside from making me dislike the guy on principle, also removes any depth his past and connection to it might have given him. He's essentially a walking bag of confusion and indignation. Hopefully he gets better as the story progresses, but I'm sufficiently unimpressed to want to see him get better.

Maybe this would be less of a problem if the story lived up to it's comedy tag. Unfortunately, it doesn't. I can't actually remember any standout joke that felt like it was supposed to make me laugh. It's not that they don't have build-up, it's just that humour doesn't even feel present. He swears a bit and gets beaten up a fair lot, but is that supposed to make me laugh?

Then there's phrasing and grammar. A few have been collected below:

I’m getting off track it all started with me

About an hour later, I notice something in the corner, it was a mirror that someone had left.

I don’t think I hate Twilight Sparkle, but she can rather bossy, yeah, I’m the equivalent of a monster alien that if I sat on a pony I would probably snap its spine in half, but you don’t need to be arrogant to the point of completely ignoring me when I say that I’m not an ape.

What did the full stop ever do you? Dammit, man, breathe.

I mean, this equine bloody called me an animal no more than that of a bear or a rabbit.

I’m going to feel stupid when I learn what it’s called in actuality

Then I got a little more pissed when I started telling her that I am not a fighter, especially not with my bare hands, and if she ever wants me to take care of any “problems” in Ponyville.

Still waiting on the end of that sentence, bud.

The pacing is way too fast, too. I get the impression this stems from telling the story in diary format: each event goes by with every paragraph, allowing me no time to derive any significant impact from any of the scenes and events. He gets attacked by a velociraptor (that happened), but the encounter is so quick, I neither care nor am given the opportunity to care.

In short, even if the grammar and pacing were improved heavily, I'd still be highly unimpressed with how generic the story feels. If improvements are made on the grammar, I'd be willing to read further and see if there is any improvement, or something that actually makes this read worthwhile. But as it stands, knowing HiE tropes as I do, there are no surprises to this story and very little individuality. The only thing that's interesting about this story is the format: using a diary is relatively uncommon, and should be explored more. For that, I do give the story props.

I just wish it did it better.

4324867

Guess who's baaaack?

I'm going to go tell a friend.

So i'm not sure if I added this a while back but could you take a look at my story Fields of ashes. If I did submit it a while back then my mistake

4325648 Wonderful! Bring him here, we could have a partay, we could do each other's toenails, braid our hair and have pyjama pillow fights!

4325924 It was submitted. We'll be getting around to it when we can.

4326229
Can we have a campfire too? Oh! I love campfires!

4324867 At least there's pony x human smut in it, right?

I have my hypocrisy hat on today...

4326315 Not when I stopped reading. It wasn't tagged romance either, so probably not.

Speaking of hypocrisy, I used to have a serious dislike for HiE (because they were always on the main page, and the few I read were of poor standards). Ergo, I wrote my own.

4326456 HiE gets us all eventually.

4326456 Yeah, I'm picky about the Human in Equestria stories that I like. Extremely so, but my favorite story which is in waiting for review for this thread is also a HiE. I guess it's just that there are so many poor examples.

Reviewed Around the World (Spike's Journey)

Rejecting

Whilst I'll be the first to admit this is far from a bad story, it does little to capture my imagination, and for an adventure/romance, is quite tame and lacks an awful lot of flair.

The romance suffers from how it's presented: instead of seeing the characters get drawn to each other, their feelings are mostly expressed via dialogue. It gets the point across, sure, but it's not very engaging. I also wish it treated it's romantic theme with a lot more subtlety than it does:

“Is that your marefriend? If so she’s very lucky.”

you really need a dragonfriend

It crosses the line between me understanding that it's a romance story, and accepting that, and outright telling me what direction it's going to be taking as soon as the story starts.

When it comes to the adventure side of things, we have a similar problem: the conflict is told to us as soon as the very first paragraph. Again, whilst it gets the point across, it prevents me from properly engaging with the story and discovering what Spike is going through. There isn't much description of scenery, and a lot of it is dialogue. Whilst normally I don't mind dialogue, I also like seeing the reactions of the characters a lot more than is shown here.

The formatting is also rather inconsistent: we have lines between some paragraphs, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes weird things happen like this:

“Nothing wrong with lending a helping hand, or
claw in my case.”

In short, this is a difficult story for me to properly reject. Whilst never crossing into bad territory, it's quite hard for me to point out major flaws. However, I can't stress how laid back the story feels: the characters just talk and we don't see much of their emotions, and when they do talk they progress the story far too bluntly for it to be fun. The content is fine, but how it's presented is just rather dull.

I don't really have an easy solution aside from going over the story and making it less dialogue centric, and showing the characters behave as well as talk. And also not just have them say what they're thinking all the time. I'd have loved to see Spike actually want to leave Ponyville instead of just going around and telling people he wants to explore. That sort of thing is far more engaging to read.

4327561 NOOOOOOOO!

Just Kidding, very valid points as to why It didn't live up to your standards. That was the third story that I have ever written, and I would like to think that I've improved since then. I'm actually working on two new pieces. "Featherlight", and "The Day Equestria Stood Still".

4327679 Sure thingo!

4327561
4327679

Oooh, reviewer reviewing reviewers story.

I might actually self submit a fic one day, just to see what would happen.

Who'd be up for that, eh?—reviewing one of the founders fics?

I'd have to write a new one though...none of my current ones would get in...

4327709 I've also reviewed Charles story, and a few others from MOTM. Charles also had the opportunity to review one of mine.

I've also reviewed Dapper Guy's story, but that was before I asked him to be an approver.

Reviewing I have Returned

(Because I just finished doing one of MOTM's things, and this is the next oldest one in the folder)

Also, crossover.

This is gonna' be one of those days, innit?

4327710 I wouldn't ask you to review any of my current stories, they're filthy. I openly admit that my most popular fic is borderline self insert wish fulfillment, but I started writing it before I even joined the site...still continuing to write it for the people who like it though.

4327739 At least it's not a crossover.

4327765 The only decent crossover I've read is Fallout Equestria, but I have a feeling I wouldn't have enjoyed it nearly as much if I hadn't played the games beforehand.

4327785 Never read FE. It was one of the earlier ones, no?

You might want to try Stardust. No way was it my cup of tea, but it's written solidly enough for me to let it in.

Or you could wait till my rage against crossovers bubbles to the point where I absolutely have to write my own. That happens from time to time. I'd give it at least three months of seething fury, though.

4327789 You've never read FoE?

It's 620k words of awesome, although it might take some getting into if you're not familiar with the franchise. Basically it's Equestria after a nuclear holocaust, and it features probably one of the best OCs ever created. Littlepip.

The main story in this fic is set in the future, but the back story involves the mane six. Don't want to ruin it or anything, but the feels...oh man, the feels...

I definitely recommend reading it, just make sure you have some time off because it can get quite addictive.

4326229 Okay my mistake.

4327828 I only have three addictions: coffee, beer, and ponies.

I'll see about adding FoE to that list when I have time.

4327876 No harm in asking.

4327828 I love it, though I feel bad for Spike and Fluttershy. The only two left alive from the original cast (Celestia doesn't count )

4327987 Sssshhhh, spoiler that. Not everyone has read it!

...but yeah, kinda feel bad for 'em.

The way Pinkie Pie died damn near broke my heart though.

4327998

Rarity's death took a bit of my soul away. At least she was able to save Fluttershy And hey, at least Rainbow went out the only way she knew how: in awesomness

4328017 I hate thinking about them dying...

...I'm such a ponyfag.

I found FoE was okay, but not awesome. The problem I had with it was that it was so dark and bleak, the canon characters all died horrible deaths or died in emotional agony. Two particular problems I had were when he introduced Twilight's mother ostensibly to kill her off, and killed off Steelhooves in a very sudden and inglorious way. However, as a huge fan of the Fallout series, I appreciate the great time and effort he put into combining the four main games into one plotline with so many references and parallels. If nothing else, it's scope and attention to detail are admirable.

I had a developed idea for a recursive sequel based on New Vegas, but it'd be such a huge undertaking I'm likely never gonna do it.

Reviewed I have Returned

Quantity read: Seven chapters

Rejecting

This story plays to my distrust of crossovers quite nicely. It's a Halo crossover that has a pretty convoluted premise (Twilight has been training as a Spartan for six years) and not much that really attracts me to it. The pony elements are very few and far between and you can tell that they have been suitably twisted in order to keep up with the tone and atmosphere of Halo.

I can't rightfully say it's bad, but it doesn't do much to make me like it either. The training sequence really did feel like a videogame, which made me fail to take it seriously. I understand Halo is a game, but as a game it's trying to create a fictional world you can believe for the duration of the game. When I read the training sequence, I knew this was videogame stuff, which just ruined the mood. Using vocabulary like 'spawning' didn't help.

Another problem is the characters. Most of them aren't properly introduced. The one we've seen the most of aside from Twilight is Pearl, and whilst I have to admit the AI being manipulated was fun to read, all the other characters left no impact on me whatsoever. They don't have very unique dialogue and I don't really know how they behave.

Twilight may as well not be there, though. Her personality is very different, and I really have no idea why she had to be one of the Spartans. It felt unnecessary to make a character I know act out of character without showing me why she would act out of character. Instead the story just tells me she's become harder and tougher and ready to kill, but without seeing her transition myself, it just feels silly.

There's a lot of telling that happens in the story too. Watch this:

She said, now just as worried as everypony else.

The worst bit was Twilight's introduction, where we're flat out told what's happened to her. Aside from stretching my credibility, it wasn't a very engaging way to learn Twilight had become a human, and also a Spartan.

The story as a whole isn't very engaging, actually. It's mostly telling and characters I don't have a feel for or care about. When the Captain died, I honestly didn't care. I hadn't seen enough of him to form a connection with him, and the reactions of the people around him were pretty lacklustre. Only one person actually seemed to give a damn (the commander) but everyone else just kind of glossed over it. It felt like a token death, which is just rather cheap.

The writing has plenty of problems too: there are spelling errors, run on sentences, and clunky phrasing:

"Duelly noted commander."

"Really why?"

It was a symmetrical map set in a Forerunner environment which was why it was her favorite, the sprawling architecture created a sense of amazement in the young woman's heart.

She wondered why all of them were just there looking at her, it wasn't that uncommon for a Spartan to scream in pain during a match their simulations were supposed to mimic real life, pain included, but then she looked down at her body and noticed it was entirely enveloped in a purple aurora, and despite the burning sensation she realized what she was feeling because she had felt it before…. magic.

Well very helpful, thanks sir.

Lasky screamed as he was thrown backwards across the bridge, hitting his head on the wall from what felt like an earthquake. Slowly regaining his composure Lasky looked up to a horrifying sight before his eyes, the infinity bridge was practically destroyed.

Also there was Crimson himself fast asleep in a chair right next to her, seeing that put a smile to her face, Crimson was always one to care for his fellow soldiers.

All at once the memories of what transpired in the war games came back to her confirming that that planet was indeed Equestria, it looks like this solider has finally come home.

"I'm not lying Commander." Replied Crimson.

kidnaped

Get me a pelican prepped, and get Crimson’s and my armor ready.

Pearl thought inside her metaphorical head.

An brute

“Girls, thou are so relieved that you came!”

I was prepared to keep reading and see if maybe the story could sway me to the other side once we reached the fighting parts. Who knows, maybe this story won't fulfil my expectations of being a story all about Spartans being blatantly superior to ponies in the greatest 'humans are superior' tradition, but when Pinkie broke the fourth wall, I really just lost the will to continue:

“That’s easy, EPiiC does, and he’s the author after all.”

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Who thought this was a good idea? I've seen this in several stories, and each time Pinkie making little self-referential comments has failed to be funny, intelligent, and ruined my immersion. I could at least give it credit for originality if I hadn't seen dozens of stories try the exact same thing. I know this may sound like nitpicking, and believe me, it is, but it's a peeve of mine I really wish people would just stop. Count the amount of times Pinkie makes a direct reference that they're in a show. Count them.

I don't even need both hands to count that high (although, as my short bio says, on both hands I can count to 1024. True story).

If at least the story had engaging characters and fluid writing, it might make it to a rather generic videogame crossover. But it doesn't really do much to set itself apart from those either. I guess I can appreciate that it takes it's time a lot more than some crossovers I've seen, which really is to the author's credit (a lot just start instantly and have ponies get shot up within the first few paragraphs) but I wish I could say I felt the build-up was to something worthwhile.

And who knows, maybe it is, but from what I've seen, I'm not inclined to find out, and I don't feel I can justify convincing other readers to find out either.

Reviewed Super Spectacular yadayada turtle scootaloo story.

Rejecting

As I'm writing this, I haven't come to a decision regarding what to do with this story. On one hand, it fails on so many levels: the characters are out of character (particularly Scoots), the premise isn't set up very well and is highly convoluted (and included something called a Rainblade, which is Rainbow's weapon of choice, apparently) and isn't particularly novel. Anyone who's familiar with the 'family member killed' story where the character goes out to avenge their sibling/parent/friend is going to be familiar with this, the first chapter. Not to mention, the story hasn't even started yet: we've only just got past the first plot point, and haven't begun the second act yet.

But on the other hand, the way the story does this is something I haven't seen done before in fanfiction... or at least, not with this much polish. I get the impression the story is aware of all these flaws and just sort of shrugs them off, and turns them into something borderline charming. Anyone who's seen Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann probably has an idea of what I mean: it feels like it should be stupid, but for some reason you're still entertained, mostly due to the sheer amount of energy the show, or in this case, story, delivers.

What I have a hard time deciding is whether this is enough to balance out the very out of character scenario and characters. I mean, just read this segment:

"It was worth a shot... I think my cutie mark will be just like Rainbow Dash's! I'll be all like 'I got my cutie mark, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!' And they'll be all like, 'Well, what is it? A chicken?', and I'll be all like, 'Nuh uh! It's a rainbow! And it means I can fly now!' Then I'll zoom over 'em and do a Sonic Rainboom so hard, it'll rip their cutie marks right off and give 'em to you guys!"

That's Scootaloo. The story is aware of tropes, catchphrases, and memes, and will frequently do the 'Scootaloo is a chicken' reference and has 20% cooler in it a few times two, which are pretty painful references. But...

The story is written to a satisfactory level. No grammar and spelling issues I could detect on my first read through, that's for sure. I'm under the impression that this was done as a stylistic choice, and to a certain degree, it does work.

In the end, though, I feel that I'd need to see more of the story to properly let it in. As it stands, it's only at it's first chapter, and the story has only just begun. I can't rightfully say whether it's going to be good or not based on what I've seen. For now, I'm rejecting this. If I see more of the story, I may even be able to reach a conclusion regarding this whole debacle.

Title"A State of Darkness
Author: Wing
Gore, Adv., A.U.

I promised Wing a review once so I finally owned up to it. Here's what I have to say. We're given a special ops team under the name of Wonderbolt DarkOps who are fighting against a radical pack of zealots who call themselves Einhorn Vormacht. I've seen stories like these before, supremacists who band together under a narrow minded ideology with a unusual assortment of trained professional thwarting their every move. What makes or brakes these kind of stories is how well made the villains are. Thankfully, we have an intelligent mare named Ashen Mystic, who isn't going off, screaming for unicorns to take over Equestria in the streets. No, her and her devotees move with subtlety as the DarkOps tail their every move. I get a real Jonestown vibe from her, a female Jim Jones, leading the blind, the weak and the cruel to gather at her hooves to enforce her will. So I can say without a doubt that yes, the plot line is very well written here.

Fight scenes in this fic are rather well done, especially when we're dealing with psychopaths. In the first arc, I got to understand Vormacht's M.O. pretty well. Public destruction of the lesser tribes to make a social impact and a message to anypony that opposes them. There is a lot of underlying meaning to their actions. DarkOps do well and deter the threat. I see them as a highly trained group of collected misfits though, each one carrying a personality that's developed. I hate to read Mary Sue(s) or a battle hardened veteran that has that heart of gold but a super thick exterior. They honestly get boring after a while.

At times, I've honestly wondered what the setting was in the story. We're placed in Canterlot, obviously because the city of pricks is filled with pricks for the prologue. On the first few chapters, I felt a bit lost. I was wondering if we had moved somewhere else do to context and if I had skipped a key sentence or two. It tore me away from the fic to try and re-establish where the characters were at moments.

Now, I can anyone hasn't read my bio, D.G. is a huge sucker for originality. It was the biggest reason why I chose this fic. Original characters can either kill off a story or draw me in. Now I said none of them were bad, however, there is a lot of them. Writing a scene and introducing new ones is bit of a hard press for a reader to keep up. I felt that Wing was trying his best to give avid descriptions of the whole team but it felt forced at times while I read. Trying to keep up with each one and who was what (unicorn, pegasus, earth) started to become daunting.

I have no complaints about grammar, and there are little to none spelling errors. Wing does seem to have an extensive vocabulary which can be a blessing and a curse. It's good to not reuse the same word, over and over and over again but I had to pause a few minutes to figure out certain terms. That's just me, personally.

Accepted. I liked it, plan and simple. It's a perfect example of a diamond in the rough. There are flaws but so much was put into this that I think it should be recognized. Alright, D.G. signing off.

4336658 Added to all appropriate folders.

Reviewing A Heart For Two. I like doctors. Their degree is so overwhelming. I prefer fixing bits of machinery, myself, not people.

People smell.

It was a snowy night in Ponyvill

'S'gonna be one of those days, isn't it?

4336921

It's edgy, m'kay ? Sounds like a certain apostrophe for a certain name written by a certain someone for a certain competition

I'm done. Read 3 chapters.

Rejecting

This is a story that really just can't get past it's grammar and spelling problems. There's even improper capitalization in there. It's a pity, since the story is promising enough for what we see in the first few chapters. But have a look at some of these:

"The mares and I are going out to the club tonight, you wanna tag along Red?"

rather then becoming a hermit" the mare

Thou it

"You okay." She said taping the changling's face.

covering the patint's body

She was interrupted by her pagers familiar buzzing

clinic luna's moon

"Aw you're kinda cute.

and most important of all, Tip the pizza delivery pony.

She slowly opened the door and saw the blankets on the bed had been moved and where now tucked unfashionable under the bed.

Redheart looked confused at where the changeling and gone until

Although she tried to shout it the voice was quite weak yet emotionally desperate.

Redheart spoke worried of the filliy's response.

Okay, would you mind if I call you Olive Pizza.

Soda it is." She said

set forth for her. she slowly

On an off note the industrialization of magic was once of the inactivation leading to condensed beverage containers.

I don't think I understand that sentence.

up a small pare of scissors

Stop being so dramatic your making a mess.

My Names nurse Redheart

Dreams where never to Redheart's liking,

Yet at the time she was in a very unusual, line of work.

Once a sufficient gash was made and she pored

Redheart had been specify rough with getting him in the tub due to his sleazy nature earlier that night.

Although the story has massive amounts of potential (due in no small part to nurse Redheart, a character I don't see much of) there is no getting away from the fact that the writing is clunky at best, and downright wrong at worst. It's also ridiculously hard to take the characters seriously when one of them is called 'Olive Pizza'.

Really, though, I think the story progresses nicely enough. I think the transitions need work (the flashback scene in particular came out of the blue, and could have just been left out to greater effect) but on the whole, the story is thoroughly damaged beyond repair by the writing, grammar, spelling, and the like, not the actual content.

My advice? Get an editor, and get a good one.

Read: Starlight Glimmer's Shop of Sameness

By: Prane

Here we have another story that came in with the rain of Starlight Glimmer centric stories post season premiere. She has set up a pawn shop, yes a pawn shop right in the heart of Manehattan. What could she possibly be selling? Hm, telling from the title I would say, Insanely Equal Prices! But, then again I may be wrong...

So, we start out in Starlight's shop, she's just keeping the place tidy waiting for the next customers to roll on in. So who happens to visit? The Flim Flam Brothers...
Unless you saw the characters at the bottom of the story cover, which I didn't, this would be a bigger surprise than when Starlight stopped Twilight's friendship speech. Why are the brothers there? What could they possibly gain from Starlight? Maybe they are going to strike back at the mane six!

“What a pleasure to see you again in my humble store! Please, do come in!”

Wait, they've been here before? Nice touch, instead of giving us a lengthy story on how they may and what they plan, we get a sense of history between an old and new villain (are b the Flim Flam bros. villains?) But wait, what are they planning to do to the mane six? They'd better not touch Appleja—

We’ve earned a handful of bits over the amount you lent us, and we’d like to request our cutie marks back.

W-What...? She got the brothers too? My initial reaction was actually laughter. Knowing that the swindling duo got swindled themselves tickles me. And here is also how their history sets up a point for conflict that's not to convoluted or overbearing, once again a nice touch.

As for characterization I would say that they are all spot on. I'll start with Starlight Glimmer. She was only present in two episodes, but we got a true character that pertains to a real serious philosophy. I could go on about why she is my favorite antagonist thus far but I'll save that for another time. This author captured her perfectly, from her smooth equal voice, to her meandering dialogue prompting you to give up your talent.

I am not too familiar with the Flim Flam brothers, but I have encountered their type of character before. Yet again, this author got it on the head of the nail. From the way that they interact with each others, to how they talk even!

“I see, and I respect that. We at the Flim Flam Brothers understand the value of a good name.”

Yes the cool calm slinky businessmen always have a studios demeanor about them.

Next to nothing wrong with grammar, clauses, phrases and the sentences flowed perfectly. So I'm sure you all know the verdict.

Accepting

It's very well written with a premise that I can grab hold of and ride all the way through. It's going into my faves immediately. Before I close, I noticed a little something in the description.

The best part? It's all legal. It's not like anypony reads terms and conditions, ever.

That's how I ended up with a house in the middle of a swamp, worst part is I have seven months until the lease it up...

Thank you for your time!

~Motm

4338467
Thank you for your review. I consider it fair, and not only because you accepted my story for the group!

At some point I realized the lack of F&F in the story description, but I thought, "Meh, they'll see the tags anyway." I guess that not checking the characters beforehand turned well enough for you. I'm also glad that they sounded right to you. It was my first time writing Starlight and the brothers and I've never really read how other authors portray them, so it was all new to me as well.

Next to nothing wrong with grammar, clauses, phrases and the sentences flowed perfectly.

This. You have no idea how big of a compliment this is for someone with English only as the second language. I guess that after three years of writing I'm finally getting there!

What else can I say, I'm just happy that the story worked as intended!

4328039

the canon characters all died horrible deaths or died in emotional agony

Not every story is a happy one. Just like the actual games (which I've played many many times) it's full of misery and suffering, just as you'd expect the aftermath of a nuclear war would be..

As for the sequel, there have been countless spin offs already. It's difficult to compete with the original.

Oh, and Kkat's a "she", not a "he".

I really have to stop derailing this thread...

4339376

Not every story is a happy one. Just like the actual games (which I've played many many times) it's full of misery and suffering, just as you'd expect the aftermath of a nuclear war would be.

Yes, Fallout is full of death and violence, and I don't have a problem with the present world depicted in the fic (other than Twilight's mom as mentioned above). It's specifically how the original canon cast was killed off. We can't just have them burned in nuclear fire, their lives eradicated in an instant. No, we have to have Pinkie die mourning her friendship with Twilight while clutching her figurine, Twilight being absorbed by her own twisted experiment after being trapped for days, Fluttershy transformed into a tree, and Applejack seeing her husband kill Zecora and then forced to live out the rest of her days without him. Not to mention Luna dying in Celestia's arms and her bones being used as armor by an alicorn, and then Celestia herself being trapped in the SPP forced to watch the land she ruled and the ponies she loved go to chaos over the course of two centuries.

Rarity's death was the only one that had any sort of meaning or dignity to it, she sacrificed her life to save Fluttershy and gave up her soul to try and reunite her friends. Rainbow's fate was also good, the ambiguity of if she died fighting Gilda or not and perhaps, with ghoulification, if she even survived. However, the other four and the princess were just gruesome; as I said, they all died in emotional turmoil, save Celestia for whom death would have been more merciful. It just seemed mean-spirited. It would have been fine if one of them was just wiped out in the fire, the bombs hit and they vanish into ash while going about their normal day. No poetic meaning or symbolism, no great tragedy or angst. They're just gone in the blink of an eye. But stuff like Pinkie Pie dying after sending Twilight that email and then holding the figurine of her as the bombs hit, it seems like the author is trying too hard to evoke feels with how sad and depressing it is.

Then you realize the story is constantly doing that - creating sad and depressing moments for no narrative purpose, just to give readers an emotional moment to be sad about - and it stops working.

4340381 Better stick some spoiler black-things on that, else imma delete it. People read these threads, y'know.

(no hard feelings, tho)

Check, sorry.