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HapHazred
Group Admin

Because they're both of similar length and by the same author, I've reviewed My Life

My life began in Edinburgh, the capital of Scotland. I was a snarky little bastard and I had a tendency to take things a bit too literally sometimes, and to say things I thought were witty. A prime example of this was when I reviewed my actual life as opposed to the story My Life by Forgotten Nightfire.

I'll stop now.

Rejecting

The dialogue in this story is as wooden as in the last one.

"Rainbow Dash can you help me?" I cried out to her.

Rainbow Dash turned around and glared at me.

"What mean you think I'll help you!?" She demanded.

Aside from there being an obvious error there, that's about as detailed as the dialogue gets. It's not satisfactory. More care needs to be taken towards making these characters talk like actual people.

"But, I can't stand up. Rainbow Dash please help me up."

Maybe:

"But Rainbow," I cried helplessly, "I can't stand! Please!"

The dialogue there is better paced, broken up, and actually uses the exclamation mark to give Scootaloo tone. It doesn't take much to make dialogue feel natural. Not much at all: so that's an area that needs improvement.

Then there's the story itself: Scootaloo is given a number. Well, that would sound like a relatively interesting dystopian society sort of story. Except that it's not developed in the slightest. I'm told the blank-flanks have numbers now. Why? I don't know. What is Scootaloo going to do about it? I don't know either.

Instead I'm treated to her getting bullied by Diamond Tiara. At this point, I've reviewed 25 stories and at least five of those feature DT as a bully. Thanks for the novelty. My own personal peeve aside, Scootaloo isn't shown to be Scootaloo here. She sort of just... exists as a character, but without Scoots' personality. So that's unsatisfactory too.

The nightmare chapter (if 300 words counts as a chapter now) doesn't bring anything to the story. Scootaloo has a nightmare: this doesn't advance the story, only shows us that she's afraid of Rainbow not liking her, which from what I can see, has nothing to do with the story.

In fact, I don't even know what the story is about! It's just Scootaloo's thoughts, and she has a number now. What is her objective? What does she want? Either the story hasn't progressed enough for me to find out, or there was never a story in the first place. In both cases, I need to reject this story.

Same advice as before: get a writing coach, and catch up on basic storytelling requirements. There is no quick fix that I know of for this, as much as I wish there was.

Sorry.

HapHazred
Group Admin

4103477 I guess Spiderman is Sonic now.

Who'd a thunk it?

HapHazred
Group Admin

Reviewing Sweet Belles and Bitter Berries, by Keam!

I don't know why I put an exclamation mark in there. It kinda' just happened.

Will probably get that done tomorrow. It's a short one, so it won't take me long.

HapHazred
Group Admin

Finished reviewing Sweet Belles and Bitter Berries, by Keam!

(she gets exclamation marks now)

Rejecting

I was a bit torn with this one. Frankly, I thought it had some nice concepts, beyond the premise that Sweetie and Rarity's parents were irresponsible. It had details like other students thinking Rarity was Sweetie's mother, which was clever, and Cheerilee being Berry Pinch's aunt.

So, I do feel a bit bad about rejecting this one. Here's where it fell apart:

Like for Fluttershy's Parents (which I shall henceforth refer to as Flutterdad) I'm not given enough context to see Sweetieparents as irresponsible. I'm told they're irresponsible, but I haven't seen it. The story delivers the information with the same impact as me saying: 'My parents are scumbags addicted to whisky' (they're not: that's just me, I'm afraid).

It removes a whole lot of impact the story could have had. I don't get to see SweetieParents in any kind of light other than that I'm supposed to instantly accept. Unfortunately, I'm a sceptic: I don't believe anything I don't see. So, you need to show me a lot more.

The same goes for Pinch: we get introduced to her (I say introduced: she's not an OC, but we barely know her, so introductions it is) in one of the most obvious bits of foreshadowing I've seen since The Empire Strikes Back foreshadowed Revenge of the Sith:

Sweetie Belle recognised the filly form school. Berry Pinch, she was pretty sure she was named. Berry Pinch always stayed in school after the bell rung out, as if she were waiting for someone, even though the only one left would Cheerilee. Turning away from the window, she continued through town, contempling what she had seen.

Too obvious, Keam! (more exclamation marks) I mean, I know I'm being super snarky now, but let's face it: anyone who couldn't figure out that Pinch was in exactly the same boat as Sweetie should grow themselves a moustache and call themselves Watson, 'cause that's elementary, my dear. This could have been made much more subtle had she been in the playground with the rest of her friends, Pinch saying that she'll stay a while longer, and that being that. Then you'd have, quite frankly, impressed me. As it is, it's far too obvious.

And again, Pinch's mother (Berry Punch, who incidentally is one of my favourite background ponies: go figure, the borderline alcoholic likes the borderline alcoholic) is shown to be a not-at-all borderline alcoholic with the same tact and context as SweetieParents. I'd have loved to see Keam! work the idea into the text much more subtly. And probably over a lot more words, too.

The grammar didn't help: I'm not rejecting the story on that alone, but there's some things in there that could really do with editing.

contempling what she had seen

Based off of her apppearances

No less that three p's! Also, that's a pretty clumsy way of saying: 'Judging by how she looked,' or something similar

Rarity embraced her little sister, silently cursing their parents for being so reckless and uncaring.
"Schhh, everything's alright Sweetie, I'm right here.

Separate. Those should be two paragraphs, with a line in between.

And my personal favourite:

Cheerilee took the note in her hoof, quickly scumming through the text.

Scumming. That just sounds like an awesome word, but I think you meant 'skimming'.

All in all, I'd love for Keam! to take a lot more time with this story. It has some fun ideas I'd love to see put to writing, but it needs to take a lot more care in delivering them, and could also do with an editor, not just a proofreader or two. For now, though, I'm not letting this in.

HapHazred
Group Admin

4104959 Way ahead of you, Ultron. Way ahead of you.

keam
Group Contributor

4104954
Okay, thanks for the review! I think it's the first review I've ever read of any of my stories that made me laugh! :rainbowlaugh: also, sorry about scumming. Have a bad habit of making Swedish wods 'english-ish' when I'm not sure on what it is in English. Seem like I need to talk to my editor to take a second look, too! :P

HapHazred
Group Admin

4104979 I get what you mean about the swedish thing. As a guy who's lived in France for ten years, I've been there.

keam
Group Contributor

4104985
Yeah..but seriously, even I laughed at that word! XD

HapHazred
Group Admin

4104987 I know! I even looked it up to see if it meant something. Turns out it does, but it's nothing really all that funny.

keam
Group Contributor

4104991
Wow...it does? Crap. But seriously, I'll need to go back and fix the chapter before publishing the next one.

HapHazred
Group Admin

4104999 Of course, I completely understand. I just thought it was a funny word.

Considering that it's quite a nice sounding story so far, feel free to ask things via PM's if you want. I probably won't have time to act as an editor, all things considered, but I wouldn't mind answering questions to the best of my ability.

keam
Group Contributor

4105017
It is a funny word! XD

Okay, thanks

HapHazred
Group Admin

Finished Reviewing Our Little Accident By JMac

Accepting

“An alicorn?! We have an alicorn?!”

“Pensive, we have a son.”

That's when I decided to accept the story, but hey, I'll do a longer review anyway.

First off, no grammar or writing problems, thankfully. I didn't expect anything less, really, after reading Quizzical.

The story is of an alicorn child created after a freak experiment. The quote I stuck above sums up what I believe was the best of the story: instead of being a story about an alicorn child being a 'good' thing, or a 'bad' thing he'd have to overcome due to society or being different or whatever X-Man thing you can think of, it's just shown as a 'thing'. Neither really good nor bad, and there's a lot of humanity in how Goodie's parents, in particular, act.

On that alone, I'd accept it. I did have a few gripes with this one, though: namely that it went pretty damn quickly. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I'm not sure that this was the best way to tell the story. I'm probably talking with my head up my arse (as usual) but it felt a bit like the story was just being presented to me, instead of being given a concrete example of what's going on.

For example, we get reports from the kid's teachers telling us about what he's been up to. We get to hear his parents talk about him, telling us what he's up to. I would have loved to see Goodie in his own element, interacting with the situation on his own. That said, the parent's perspective was wonderful. I just wish I'd seen more of the kid, too.

But hey: this is epic nitpicking here. This story gets in with knobs on (so to speak).

JMac
Group Contributor

4109613 Thank you very much. Um, now that I have two stories in should I submit directly to the Gods folder instead of Submissions? It would mean you don't have to review me anymore, but that would mean I wouldn't get your reviews anymore.

HapHazred
Group Admin

4109886 I dunno', really. I'll ask another admin for their opinion.

Of course, if you still want my meagre attempt at reviews I don't mind.

HapHazred
Group Admin

4109886 Ok, I've been looking around for a way to handle this (been very busy yesterday, unfortunately: it turns out electromechanical systems is harder to do than it is to read about during lectures) and I'm afraid there's going to be a few toes I'll have to tread on to make you a contributor due to how this group was made.

I'll continue working on a way this might work (if not for you, then at least to have a solution planned out for any possibly future occurrences too) but it'll probably take a bit of time. Believe it or not, but I'm not actually popular with everyone around here, so it's not a case of 'what I say goes'.

In the meantime, I'll continue reviewing your stories as usual: at the very least, it gives me a good excuse to read them.

And to the rest of you, I am reviewing Running From Myself by torrentialCAM: featured on the Daily, no less.

HapHazred
Group Admin

Finished!

Accepting

This was a very interesting one, and not for the reasons you might think. This is actually a fairly straightforward story: it plays everything straight, and gives a rather straightforward headcanon regarding Twilight's childhood (foalhood?) and goes about it in a rather straightforward manner.

Why it's interesting is actually because of personal reasons. See, I'm a very new brony: joined in 2014, and only began fanfiction in the summer of 2014. I've not even been on this site for a year. I've not even seen this site whilst the show was airing. So, when I saw this story was featured on the Daily, well, I was rather impressed. After all, these days it's largely considered that getting on the Daily is close to literary perfection (which is far from true: I got one of my stories on for the Valentine thing, and this is me we're talking about). But when I actually read the story, it didn't quite live up to those standards I think people tend to set EqD featured at. Nothing outright bad, far from it: it was just occasionally a bit fast paced, or the words came off as a bit overly complex (then again, that might just be me being duh-simple).

Not to mention, the actual story content really is quite a simple thing: Twilight was bullied, back in the day. Nothing really all that special about it. That's when I checked when it was published. Apparently, it came out well before I even approached MLP, or even heard of it: February 2012. I know we've had one other story from 2012, but December 2012, which is almost a whole year later, and at least a season of MLP if I'm not much mistaken.

I began reading the story in a different light. Not one that's particularly relevant here, but I feel like sharing today. It sounds stupid, and probably is, but it felt a bit like archaeology: studying trends from the bronies of old, if you will. 2012 was before Twilight even became a princess, if I'm not wrong.

The story is well written: I could tell quite quickly that this was going to be an accept. The content strikes me as a bit dull now, but it occurs to me that back then... maybe it wasn't. I mean, these days I'm working on subverting old ideas, and so many people are scrambling towards originality as it begins to dry up and disappear. Was this story original three years ago? I have no idea. I wasn't there, and it kind of makes me a bit sad. I've enjoyed the show, and it's fanfiction, so much, after all.

In any case, the execution is good: we have our conflict nice and early. The flashbacks are a bit grating, perhaps, but certainly they work. The moral is nice, and the story even uses a Celestia Letter at the end. I haven't seen those in a while, but back in 12 they were still a thing. The characters are all in character, and I particularly liked Celestia. She might not have had much of a role, but in the second flashback, I found her to be particularly interesting.

So that's that: I accept this story into the Olympus Library. And to the one other guy who had a story that came out in 2012: I didn't notice at the time. Soz.:twilightblush:

(This is a rather big deal for me because it's the oldest story I've read since I binged on the AppleDash stories when I joined the community: Those Blue Wings, the AppleDash Project and so on. It's a blast from a past I never knew, and I find it a bit fascinating now that I've learned so much about the fandom, and writing in general.)

HapHazred
Group Admin

4115740 Everything I do, I do for Batman's approval. Everything.

Now, to the Hazredmobile! I must away!

HapHazred
Group Admin

Reviewing The Siren Song: Dazzle Dazzle Little Star

I had a hard time with part 3 of this trilogy thing, so here is part 1. We'll see how it goes, eh?

HapHazred
Group Admin

Oh dear. I just realized this story has a really big problem.

It turns out it's getting reviewed by a guy who hates children.:ajbemused:

Toddlers, in particular, are the devil!1!

Ugh. I'll try to remain unbiased. I'm through four chapters already, so we'll see how it goes. It's a long one, so... if I don't return, remember me as the man I tried to be, not the vicious soak I was.

HapHazred
Group Admin

Reviewed Dazzle Dazzle Little Stars

Rejecting... maybe

I am honest to god confused by this one.

The story starts dramatically enough: the Dazzlings have been defeated and are planning their next move. They discuss a failsafe plan, a magical song that will solve their problems. It comes out of nowhere, which was annoying, but I kept reading anyway.

The spell turns them into infants. Uh, okay. I confess the story content bugged me when I found that out. I hate children, after all. Apparently I'm good around them, but... well, they take a lot out of me, with their gurgling and their whining (much like the average internet user— badum dum tss!)

I wondered where the story was going at that point: if this was a redemption story... this isn't the best way to do it. Making the Dazzlings lose their memory removes character growth, as opposed to adding to it. Heck, they might as well be different characters.

Well, I read on, and the Dazzlings get adopted by Sunset Shimmer. Because they think that, having been evil once, that'd work out for them. I thought that was rather okay: it allowed for Shimmer to draw parallels between her own redemption, and the Dazzling's redemption, right?

Well...

Here's where the story really bugged me. Sunset just takes them in, with very little conflict involved. Aside from it being rather unrealistic (just... becoming a mother, unplanned, for no real reason? I'm a pretty generous and caring guy, but I'd at least think twice before I adopt three kids whilst studying in highschool, thanks) it removed so much potential for a lot of soul searching on Sunset's part. We could have asked ourselves questions about whether the Dazzling were guilty, even as infants, or drew parallels between the Equestria Girls 'adopting' Sunset and Sunset adopting the Dazzlings.

But instead I'm treated to what I believed for a while the point of the story was: the Dazzlings being infants and treating Sunset as their mother. I... don't see the point. Maybe I'm just a big grump, but where's the story? Is this it?

I kept reading, because I was confused. This was a long story, after all... how could the Dazzlings as infants be all there was to it?

Well, it isn't. There's adventure elements in it too: this is where I stopped reading.

My grounds for rejection are a bit complicated: I don't know what this story is meant to be. The first 15-20K words are slice of life in nature: some chapters brought absolutely nothing to the story at hand. There was this long bit where the mane six were discussing their Equestrian counterparts... stuff I already know. The graduation was something that deserves it's own one-shot, but was uncomfortably sandwiched between the adventure part and the dazzlings are babies now part. I'm not even sure that the dazzlings are babies at all: they can talk, because magic.

I don't know what the story is trying to be, but whatever it is, it's not doing it right. If it's trying to be an adventure story, it needs to foreshadow this adventure far better and weave whatever these hooded guys are doing into the first few chapters. If the story wants to be a story about Sunset being a mother, it needs to do that much better: it needs to take more time as it explains the ins and outs of Sunset's decision, instead of having her coo: 'ooh, they is so cute'. And if that's all there is to the story, if all it was meant to be was the Dazzlings are babies, how adorable, then I think that the story needs to be more than that.

If Shadowmane can explain where he wants to go, and maybe manage the first few chapters so that the story advances properly without me scratching my head in confusion, I'll let this in. As it stands, I don't know what to think, and I don't believe that's a good thing.

Also:

Sunset smiled at Pinkie with similar thoughts of such a delicacy as cake.

Sunset said it in a more logical term, cracking a smile afterwards

They made the house seem more scarier

Some of the text is a bit clumsy, and could do with rereading/editing. I'm not failing the story on that alone, but it didn't help.

This story might have managed to be good if it could just make it clear what it wanted to focus on... and then concentrate on that.

HapHazred
Group Admin

Okay... this is a bit of an experiment. I'm a story approver for two groups now, see, so what I'm essentially doing is working on both submission folders simultaneously.

This next one, I Ain't Your Sacrifice is from the Goodfic Bin Submissions folder. I'll also be reviewing it for this group, too. If it gets into the Goodfic Bin on my standards, you can bet it'll get into here: I'll copy my reasons on both threads. If, however, it gets in here, but not on the Goodfic Bin, I'll explain, as best I can, since it'll be a bit more challenging, why it gets in here here, but why it didn't get in there, there... if that makes sense.

In any case, more on that tomorrow... I'm falling down tired.

HapHazred
Group Admin

Reviewed thing ^^^

Accepting

I have a few gripes with the story, but overall, it had conflict, it stuck to what it wanted to do, and rolled with it.

This is the story of a pony with a really... really...

Ravenblood Flame Blaze Shadow Fire Heart Nightshade

...stupid name (I'm aware that there is a 95% chance this was intentional) try and escape an underground prison where crystal ponies are sacrificing crystal foals. Why? To bring back meaniepants King Sombra, hence the title of the one and only chapter: The Return of the King.

The aim of this story was, according to the description, to remind people that despite appearances (here, the use of a red and black alicorn OC and a terrible cover art) a story can still be worthwhile: this is a task I approve of wholeheartedly, and have actually done myself to some degree (naming one of my stories There's a Human in Equestria was no coinkidink) and although I'm not sure that this story really turns it all around, it's a good start.

I read a few comments below saying it was a parody of Red and Black OC's: I'm tempted to disagree. At best it's a subversion, but really I think it plays it straight. The character is a red and black alicorn: that's just who he is. I didn't think this was any kind of parody: the story doesn't make fun of him (except for the name... I think). This is a serious story, and I appreciate that: if this had been a parody, I may not have let it in. Bad has been far more ambitious here than by just making fun of a stupid trope: by taking it seriously, he's made a story that stands out a lot more than just senseless jokes.

The ending isn't exactly happy, but it's not a happy story. I don't think it really needed a happy ending, as much as I'd have liked one (I'm a sucker for happy endings).

A few issues with writing, but nothing that stops it being readable. All in all, this gets into Olympus. It has conflict, it has a character that works well enough, the set-up works well... overall, it works. Could use improvement, but works.

Thank you for your review. I appreciate it and the acceptance of my story in this group.

...stupid name (I'm aware that there is a 95% chance this was intentional)

Indeed it was. It’s part of the trope and I wouldn’t be doing it justice if I started taking away from what makes a black-red alicorn. I even tried to make the name work, without resorting to parody.

The ending isn't exactly happy

Actually, he abolished the need for sacrificing foals. The promise he gave to the filly; he fulfilled it.

HapHazred
Group Admin

4123973

Actually, he abolished the need for sacrificing foals. The promise he gave to the filly; he fulfilled it.

I... uh... I never thought about it like that. Although I'm pretty sure he wasn't happy about fulfilling his promise in that particular method... or reviving King Sombra. But it's certainly something to ponder...

HapHazred
Group Admin

Reviewed A Thief On The Rise, from the Goodfic Bin

Accepting

Whilst it had a few too many mechanical problems for me to let it into the Goodfic Bin, I do aknowledge that if you look past those, you're looking at quite an enjoyable story, if you're into adventure, HiE, and... uh, videogames.

I can't say it's very original, but it does what it does pretty well, in my opinion. It meets the Olympus standards easily, and I'm sure there's an audience for this story.

Yeah, it's a pretty short review, but it ticks all the boxes for this group: you can read it, it offers decent characters, decent story, and a good amount of conflict.

HapHazred
Group Admin

Next up will be a story from THIS group (because I still do submissions from here, amazingly). Today, a nice short one from Slip Kid: Do Ponies Dream of Pink Sheep?

Why a short one? Because maybe I'll have it done by today if I pick a short one. Who knows?

But now, I have work. Asymmetrical bending, in fact.

HapHazred
Group Admin

What in the what in the what in the what?

Unfortunately, I have a problem with Do Ponies Dream of Pink Sheep. See, I'm incredibly clever: I shit you not, I have immense deductive abilities. However... this story may be too smart for me. This is very inception-y: a dream in a dream in a vat of fluid, (Uh, spoilers), and whilst I'd usually go with my gut instinct (that this is a story about reality not being real) I cannot be 100% sure.

What I'm trying to say is, accepting.

The grammar is good, barely any problems there, the story is wildly interesting and really does bend your mind a bit. I hesitate to go into too much detail, because I'm 68% sure that a lot of this is highly dependent on interpretation... or maybe I'm reading too much into it. See, that's my problem here: I'm not sure if I just think I'm missing stuff, or whether I actually am.

In any case, it passes with flying colours.

HapHazred
Group Admin

Okay: been busy, and all, but I'm back.

I'm accepting Arcane Shadow: rewritten into the library.

Personally, I found it confusing, which is a problem that I held against it for the Goodfic bin, but it by and large meets the standards here: it's readable, has conflict, and yadayadayada. It's decent: read it. If it wasn't so cluttered with it's characters and plot, it'd have gotten into the goodfic bin. I found it's descriptions to be quite nice, although they do perhaps go on for a bit too long.

So, yeah! Back to work now! Busy-busy!

4150671 Um, are you going to be reviewing any other stories here? It's been several weeks. (Please review my Silver Spoon story- it's been there since March.)

HapHazred
Group Admin

4383069 No, I won't be. I'm currently busy with exams, stories, and groups with administration that actually care about the group. I'm very sorry, but I'm done reviewing here. Theoretically speaking, there are a dozen other admins who should be looking at stuff, but as you can see, I'm kind of the only guy bare one who ever tried doing anything here aside from shilling their stories into the group.

On that pleasant note, I think it's high time I clicked that Leave button.

4041870
Mua ha ha.
I dunno why I'm replying now...
Again.

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