4076515
I know how you feel. I hit a wall after two sets of 7. My brain's already treating this like a post-contest weekend and I'd rather be editing/writing than keeping at this.

For my part, I reckon I'm going to admit I've reviewed about as many stories as I was ever going to get out of me this round, and if anyone thinks that I still have something useful to add after the 8-12 reviews-per-story that all of you awesome people have dropped into this thread, or you were looking forward to Horizon's thoughts in specific, go ahead and PM me the name of your story. I've already locked in my votes and I'll be locking in all my author guessing before the hour's out.

Anyway, some aggregate thoughts on the finalists:

10 x
9 xx
8 xx
7 xx
6 xxx
5 xx
4 xxx
3 xx

This is the first time I've voted in a round with preliminaries, so I tried to strike a balance between hugboxing (reflecting the higher numbers these would have gotten if I'd scored the entire slate of stories) and normalization (using the entire 0-10 range to maximize the impact of my opinions). I don't think there was nearly as great a difference between the best and worst stories of this bunch as there normally is (which only makes sense, as the preliminaries pre-screened for the ones that turned people's heads in some way), so I'm comfortable with a vote that differentiates them less than usual. At the same time, I wanted to spread them out and reduce clustering because it felt like there were more distinct tiers than usual of story quality at the top end; the ones that distinguished themselves needed more space from the merely good.

TD said that the finalists tracked his internal scoring extremely well. That wasn't the case for me. I'd like to spotlight "A Day In Ponyville," "Lunnas Ache," "A Horrible, Horribly Awkward, Uncomfortable and Itchy Love Story" and "Setting the Beat" as stories that were in my top half but not the competition's top half (I did another two groups of preliminaries that I voted but didn't review, so I've read basically everything at this point). All of those are close to being excellent[1] and I'd love to see them polished up.

--
[1] Except for Lunnas Ache.[2]
[2] WHICH IS GENIUS, YOU SHUT UP.

4077502
Star Swirl's name has been spelled both ways, I'm afraid.

And I disagree; "Oh, piss," is a great swear, and Luna's line in response is a thing of beauty. The interplay between the two is really marvelous.

4077987
I locked in my votes but I need to guess on the authors; I should do that soon.

Note: I'm probably not doing all the reviews because I think I'm kinda burnt out on reviews these days. I haven't even finish reading all the stories yet!

Part 2

Opening Hours
So, the speaker is basically Maud? :V Dat determined face and monotone voice. ... Welp, you should have approved of Velvet Dusk's petition to extend the closing hours there, Celestia. Though I wonder why does Equestria has laws regulating shopping hours (some cursory check revealed that most countries don't or have lax rules, though Germany has some pretty rigid ones), so it's just some weird quibble I have with the premise (and without it, the story wouldn't have happened, I guess).

A dash would be nice for the interrupted narration. Also, just approve that damn petition already, Tia! D: Then you can get your freaking delicious donuts. Dat ending. If you actually paid attention to Velvet Dusk, you would have gotten your delicious donut, you silly large pony horse princess. :V You need Luna to give you a dope slap, except she's still in the moon right now. Damn it.

Well, yeah I quite enjoyed the story, a little repetitive but still good.

Trinkets
Silver Spoon reveals her loneliness through the attempt to repair Diamond Tiara's tiara. It's a simple story but by the end although the story is hopeful, the problem between Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara was still not fixed. This feels exactly like the middle act of a Silver Spoon redemption story, missing its beginning and climax. An expansion to include the beginning and the real climax would do very well for the story.

Cold as Starlight
Dancing Luna? Interesting. Start of the second scene suffers from pronoun confusion—Apple Tart, the Apple stallion wasn't described as male until the next paragraph and makes this line confusing:

The Apple gave a subconscious glance down towards her wings, splayed out to stabilize the crate of wings on her small back.

The "her" could have referred to both Luna and Apple Tart in this context.

Also, I'm guessing Selene is Luna's alter ego? Ah, so Luna was having a gladiator battle? Still not clear on the purpose of Selene and Apple Tart's scene though. Yep, she is. There are too many things going on and too many things left unsaid here. The implications of a conflict between Celestia and Luna lead to nowhere. The time period feels at times to be pre-banishment and at times post-return. The fight scene is excellent but I leave the story not much the wiser what the entire story is about. Is the story about the aggression of the griffons or are they just a red herring and framing device for the conflict between the sisters? I feel that the story didn't do enough for either of the plot points.

After going through the entire story, the scene with Apple Tart feels completely pointless other than to reiterate that "Ponies can't fight. Ponies are prey." Rewriting Apple Tart to someone related to the griffon "invasion" plot point would be better. The writing overall is pretty good but the linking of ideas between each transition is confusing. A rewrite to link the ideas up properly would do the story wonders.

Lunnas Ache
So this is the one everyone's raving about being the Finnegan's Wake of this writeoff. And congrats author, you've made a masterpiece. A James Joyce masterpiece. That no one can read. Still good job though. N/A for this one because I can't reliably judge this.

...

Wat. Dat wikipedia style entry.

Wat.

Dubious Enchantment
This is an interesting twist to the "magical shop that weren't there yesterday" premise: by setting the perspective to the shopkeeper himself. A little rough at the start but I found myself enjoying the story a lot as Twilight gradually complains to the Old Gob and his insistence of "No refunds". The store credits end was what sold me the story. Really enjoyed it.

Cold Hooves
Shining Armor gets the pre-wedding jitters. The story didn't jumped out to me but the writing is decent and the character voices adequate, if only a little stereotypical British in the case of Fancypants. Can't really help much when you have only two thousand words to set up a scene and provide characterization. The bartender mare was the best character in the story, in my opinion. =P

4078189

And I disagree; "Oh, piss," is a great swear, and Luna's line in response is a thing of beauty. The interplay between the two is really marvelous.

Seconded!

Cold hooves
Did the last two lines mean what I thought they did? If so, hats off for a subtle and excellent twist.
Overall, I thought the dialogue was the strong point here, the descriptions and prose surrounding seemed to drag at times, possibly just from telling emotion and such.
I'm not sure how to take Fancy's advice, considering what we're told about his own marital life. Unless I'm mistaken, he's been married twice and (if I read this correctly) is either seeing Fleur Dis Lee on the side or just has no intention of marrying her? Either I read this completely wrong, or he sounds like a questionable character to get marriage advice from.

4078298
Dubious Enchantment
I'm surprised that nobody's mentioned yet, by the way, that Gob's name is an Arrested Development easter egg.

4077502
Not to pile on, but Celestia and Luna spell it Star Swirl the Bearded, via Amy. In print. It doesn't get more canon than that, I'm afraid.

Somehow I doubt anypony's still reading these, but I managed to read two more stories so my votes would be counted. I'm completely emotionally drained now, however.

I think it was a bad idea to use one week to narrow down the playing field by only 50%. We were expected to read seven (or eight) fics one week, then double that number the next week. If we're going to have two rounds, the first one needs to cut out more than half the entries, or there's no point to having the first round at all: just give us two weeks to read all of them. Seriously.

The Iridescent Iron Rat
Genre: crime
Theme: against all odds, chase, emdash orgy, heist, unique perspective
Ideas: unbelievable
Style: one long fluid scene with coda
Details: incomparable
Composition: impeccable
WHORSE: ▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉
Writer Guess: I actually don't have the heart to guess. You are amazing.
Overall: best
I'm very disappointed that this might be a rip-off rather than an homage (yes, I'm pronouncing it with the zh at the end), but since I don't know the reference (I'm not much of a reader) I have no choice but to take it at face value. That said, this is easily one of the best short stories I've ever read, pony or nonpony (wait do those exist I can't remember). It had damn well better get published so I can favorite it. I regret that I could not read this in more detail with the limited time I have; I will definitely do so later. This author is erotically attracted to emdashes: I have never before seen so many eleven-hoof poles in one location. You had me hooked solid after the first six words, then made me cry from crushed Sparity dreams soon thereafter, cold-hearted wretch that you are; and in conclusion, I never should have doubted you. Your magical descriptions and details were second-to-none (and I rather like writing thaumaturgical details myself, so this is not a compliment I toss about like tinsel). I question whether I should ever bother to write anything again. Oh, one last thing... HOW THE BUCK DID YOU WRITE THIS MASTERWORK IN THREE DAYS?!

Only The Good Die Young (sic)
Genre: slice-of-death
Theme: reflection, sad, unique perspective
Ideas: neigh-unbelievable
Style: multiple scenes with long cuts
Details: enchanting
Composition: impeccable
WHORSE: ▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉
Writer Guess: I'm going to stop trying to guess writers, because it's spoiling my enjoyment of the stories.
Overall: neigh-perfect, if only it hadn't made the shitfic reference
I decided to read fewer stories in part because I was having some negative emotional reactions to a few of them. So why did I decide to read this one? Why? Why this story, of all stories? What could have possibly possessed me to read this stupid bucking story, given that the title implies exactly what it implies? Anyway, I was able to weather the read in part because I'm already totally with Apple Bloom's mindset, so it didn't actually take me any darker than I was previously. This story was very well-written, and very sad, and I am sad too. I am also sad that I have to dock it substantially for the dumb All-In shitfic joke which was completely out-of-place in an otherwise serious narrative. I did a lot of rereading before reaching the end. I picked up on all the foreshadowing about Sweetie and Scootaloo early on. Diamond Tiara saying she didn't have her cutie mark was the one thing that made no sense, however, and this misled me into thinking that the potion was some kind of bizarre AU-changing item when it wasn't. Mad props for Lunapip OTP, though it's a bunch less cute when Pip is twenty years older, cheating on his wife, and neglecting his daughter. I mean, wow; dear sweet Celestia. Are they still selling those tickets out of Ponyville? Oh pony, while typing this I just got the full implication of the title. That's it, stick a fork in me: I'm done. It's down the block kids, not across the street. (No, I'm not really going to; but sleep medication to conk out for a few hours seems a good option right about now.)

As suggested above, I'm removing all of my author guesses this time. It's making what should be a fun experience a lot less fun for me. Best of luck to all authors still in the running! I'm taking a long nap.

4078996
I'm reading them. Also, "emdash orgy" is a fantastic theme. I'm half-tempted to enter "The Secret Lives of Punctuation" as a prompt for next week, but we'd get nothing but selections from Twilight's erotic fiction.

4078996
4079034
I'm reading them too. That sounds like a fantastic prompt, but I have no idea how I'd tie that into MLP....

What's driving me crazy:

About the waiting is that I've got the perfect image in mind for the cover of my story, but I can't remember where I saw it. I know that people here will be able to tell me, but I can't ask till late tomorrow night!

Mike

Okay, here's some two or three sentence reviews for the rest of the stories in the lower bracket. If any author wants a review of their story done more like the previous ones, send me a PM or a reply and I'll throw you something as soon as I feel more up to it.

Setting the Beat: The lack of any real sort of conflict or character development sets this up nicely as a mood piece, but things are held back most by a heavy-handed narrator. Show, don't tell; be evocative rather than explanatory. A lot of times, when you try to include more details/explanations, this comes at the cost of the story's ability to keep a distinct narrative tone.

A Horrible, Horribly Awkward, Uncomfortable and Itchy Love Story: I can't help but feel this should have made the cut, but then again I've only read about half the stories that did, so I'm probably not in the best position to compare standings. It gets a little unbelievable at times, and it crosses the line between silly and random at a few junctures, but it kept me chuckling all the way through.

One More Round: Being a fan of worldbuilding, I couldn't help but really like this one. One of my only complaints is that the first scene seemed to amble around for a bit before things get rolling. Also, I end up feeling that Lime Twist's refusal to back down isn't exactly the best example of ponies not being harmonious with each other. Other than that, it did a wonderful job of getting me hooked, interested, and satiated with the worldcrafting.

A Day in Ponyville: Writing is solid, and pacing is spot-on. However, not giving the main character agency to resolve the conflict is an odd move. Doesn't exactly bring anything new to the table either, but still ends up being an enjoyable read.

Apple Cobbler and Stephen Davis Enjoy an Ordinary Friday Night: Having neither indentations nor double spacing between paragraphs makes it a bit annoying to read the back-and-forth dialogue, since it comes across as a block of text. Don't underestimate the importance of proper format. Other than that, not my cup of tea. Forth wall shenanigans don't really do it for me. On a lesser note, it struck me odd that the narrator only referred to Stephen Davis by his full name, which made him feel less like a character in the story and more like a celebrity figure or something.

Is That The Time?: There's a touch of odd pacing, which I can't figure out if the author intended. IMO, things whizzed by during the most confusing bits, but tended too slow down way to much by the time the reader figured things out. The "time" joke really gets rubbed in a touch too heavily. Still, it ended up being an entertaining read.

Lunnas Ache: I can't make out heads or tails from this one, so I can't even begin to properly review it. Was ultimately too alienating for me to enjoy or even understand.

Trinkets: Great idea and good use of simple, efficient prose. My biggest concern is that it gets really, really heavy-handed with the message, with Rarity explaining things in great detail not once, but twice. There's really no need to be this overt to the reader.

Opening Hours: No complaints about the technical aspects of the writing, but I don't like it how a plot-crucial element of the story is how Celestia gets a big idiot ball thrown her way, on top of coming across as a bit lazy and uncaring. As a general rule of thumb, if a reader can figure out something when given a limited third-person perspective, the main character should be able to figure it out too.

End of the Day: Works well as a mood piece, but it's a bit hurt by the stilted pacing. A little too much time is spent looking for Celestia, and it comes across as a bit wooden that the only reason they visit each location is to be conveniently told by somepony to go to the next place to look. Celestia also comes across as a bit too helpless to be a strong central figure.

In the line of duty: Title caps, man. IMHO this would have worked a lot better as a minific. As is, a lot of time and wordcount is spent on action sequences that don't really add much to the depth of the story. It ends up feeling like padding towards the minimum word requirement.

Only The Good Die Young
Apple Bloom's injuries felt too severe for what actually happened. For most of the story I assumed all of them were dead, which just got confusing.
Abbreviating Diamond Tiara as well as Diamond Glitz's names as Diamond was also very confusing, considering the way it which we first meet Glitz. Keeping track of how old the characters were as well as how much time had passed was way too much work.
The unrequited feelings with Diamond Tiara came out of nowhere. I get that it helps sell the unique hardships that Apple Bloom is going through, but really it just came off as weird. For a moment I thought the story was making a hard left turn into romance, considering all the many places it'd been already.

This story lacks focus. The core concept is good, as are the intricate details of this future version of Ponyville. What's lacking is cohesion, and clarity.

Passing of the Torch
I was following fine all the way up until that ending. I've read back through some reviews, but I'm still not seeing it. Can someone who actually got it explain what the heck happened?

Someone mentioned that Twilight switched their cutie marks and such but I don't see how that would prevent their deaths. I'm just not that good at reading into situations like this, I suppose. Only The Good Die Young also threw me for a loop. I'm no closer to getting that one than I was at the start >.>

Help a clueless sucker out? :V

4080003
Celestia is burning up with the sun's heat, and Luna is freezing with the moon's cold. Twilight switched their cutie marks - problem solved.

4080003
Passing of the Torch
By changing the sisters' cutie marks, Twilight also changed their connections to their respective heavenly object. Thus, Luna's magical hypothermia is being counteracted by the sun, and vice versa.

Only The Good Die Young
As far as I understand it, Apple Bloom drank an immortality potion at some point before the tragic ziplining accident. Said potion not only keeps her from dying, but from aging in any way from the moment she drank the potion, including getting her cutie mark.

4080238
4080255
I..

Hm.

My brain screams 'Impossible! They can't just... poof! and un-sick D:' but logistically, it seems sound, if a bit cheesy. Seems this is the round of screwing with people's minds. Certainly, it could have been alluded to a bit better, since honestly, I couldn't see that from the beginning (unlike TD and a few others). Maybe I just shouldn't bother with these real deep think-y pieces. >.>

And I re-read, but really just can't clear a path from the prompt to the end result in Good, I suppose. Lost at first page break :V I'm certain these are better than I marked them, but I just can't piece together the puzzles in a satisfying manner.

Thanks for trying to help out :/ Got my votes done, at least.

4080371
I think that's a big part of making the votes matter only to you. If you can't figure out a story given what is there to read, then you shouldn't have to rely on someone else to explain it. Voting can reflect those kind of things and I'm all for it.

One of the ten points I award in my voting is whether or not I actually liked the story. It's very subjective in general, but it's a major thing to me to know that I enjoyed what I read.

All around, this has been a strange month. A lot of personal emotion went into each phase for me. I'll be glad when it's over. I'm still quite curious to see how a few things turn out.

4078845
>Arrested Development
Never watched it. I don't get much American TV shows here. :V

4080403
The contest wraps up on my birthday, so it'll be an interesting gift to finish my first write-off :D I feel better about my votes now, in any case.

It was an interesting thing, this. I'm definitely going to be sticking around, I've gotten some valuable feedback and really just have to resist responding to things for just one more day :O Seems I've finally found a place where I can use my explosive inspiration to my advantage :V Writing things in one go is fun :D

If only I weren't so terrible at prompt ideas :/

4080638
Happy birthday
My birthday present to myself last month was to post the concluding chapter of a story and splurge on nice cover art. I'm glad you've gotten some valuable feedback!

4078996 4079034
"Emdash Orgy" is my nerdcore Pussy Riot cover band.

Only The Good Die Young
> Diamond Tiara saying she didn't have her cutie mark was the one thing that made no sense, however
Yeah. I think the author was being a little too clever with that section, exclusively calling filly Diamond by the name "Diamond", and then in the following section, calling Diamond Tiara by the name "Diamond" several times, and having Diamond Glitz's full name dropped as basically a throwaway reference.

I get that the purpose of the scene was to build up cognitive dissonance and generate interest toward a reveal, but I suspect it would have worked better to end Glitz's scene with the reveal rather than bury it within DT's scene, since we find out the truth within a few hundred words anyway, and recontextualizing the scene at its end gives us some time to let the pieces fall into place before DT's revelations come out.

4081407
What you said. I think your suggestion would help tremendously.

4081407
See, I didn't even get that until you said it. I thought it was a young Diamond Tiara at Sugarcube Corner, and the next cut was a jumpcut. She even had the tiara on. Everything was screaming AU there... I thought the other Diamond hadn't been on screen.

It's very easy to oversubtle in writing, because the reader doesn't get all the same context you have. I've been making that mistake left and right lately.

4081903
I figured it out, but I don't blame anyone who didn't get that, because like horizon said, it was placed oddly. Quite possibly that story has too many mysteries happening at once, too many things to keep track of.

4079892
They were all dead, BlazzingInferno. Apple Bloom came back to life because she had been cursed by a magic potion. It's not clear whether she took the potion before or after she died, I don't think, but I'm reluctant to read the story again because it was heartwrenching. I suspect either she did it herself without Zecora's knowledge (before), or Zecora did it afterwards and the failure of the potion to bring her back to normal is why she moved away. It's also pretty clear Rarity abandoned Carousel Boutique because of what happened to Sweetie Belle.

This... was not a happy story. I actually feel like the amount of sad was overdone, even if that was the point. Did Pip abandoning his wife and child really add anything but more drama? It just made things seem more hopeless in a way that didn't really relate to AB leaving Ponyville. Maybe a silver lining at the end would have helped, too; AB being more upbeat about the future as she leaves the town behind. I think there should be more to the story than solid misery immersion.

4081956
That's not Middle English. It's Early Modern English. Or an attempt at Early Modern English, at any rate.

It's so difficult to do Early Modern English properly that I hedge against even trying in most cases. With Luna sometimes I stick a "thee" in and then have her correct herself, but even then it's a little forced. It's like overdoing Applejack's accent: it adds very little and usually detracts significantly.

Ugh. I think I'm going to double-back on my word and re-enter the author guessing fray*, though I still don't have time to read any of the remaining fics unless somepony has a strong recommendation for one or two I've missed.

* ...but I will do so begrudged and bitter. Not that this is significantly different from normal, I admit.

4082311
Huh, I'd say that clears up some of my confusion but... well it just adds more, really.

4082386
I think I replied to the wrong post. Or else I made up a post that doesn't exist in my head. I apologize.

4082388
Basically, they all died, but Apple Bloom lived for twenty more years as a twelve year-old. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were nothing more than her imaginary friends at that point. Apple Bloom tried to kill herself a bunch of times, but it wouldn't work because she couldn't die or age.

Dear bucking Celestia. It's even depressing to discuss it, and that's just the tip of the awfulness iceberg. What did we ever do to you, author? Huh?!

At least I have to admit it's some pretty creative darkblacknoirness. Needs more suicide attempts, though, and maybe break the fourth wall to tell the reader they should kill themself because nopony will ever love them.

4082386
If Alexstrasza read it, I suspect you already have cred. Even moreso if she cared enough to bitch about it.

Sorry for those that didn’t make into the second round, but I’m going to review only the ones that got through. The quality among those was high enough that I’m feeling like an executioner for sticking to my linear distribution for scores, there were only a couple I didn’t enjoy reading, and that was more due to personal preference than to any story flaw.

So, my reviews. Spoilers abound.

01. Rose Petals

The elephant in the room: I can’t truly enjoy shipping. Or the end of shipping, as is the case.

The nitpicks: wrapping her hooves around her own shoulders? “At arm’s length”? There are a few expressions that break the pony illusion, though nothing too drastic. Also, while ‘touch past the cutie mark’ brings good imagery and is quite proper for the setting, using it twice in rapid succession kills its impact.

Overall, just a single scene, but one fairly well done. Fluttershy seems strangely assertive, though it can be pegged as a fear reaction to the relationship ending; otherwise the characters seem spot on, recognizable even though it’s a kind of situation that doesn’t appear in the series. There is a lack of polish here and there, but nothing truly harmful. If it wasn’t shipping I would have enjoyed it quite a bit; as it is, I could still enjoy the technical aspects.

02. Wizards, Fools, and Foals

I’ve already talked about it; let me add a few more things.

What I disliked about the sexuality quip wasn’t that it existed, but that it dragged through three different Star Swirl the Bearded lines, the last one being an explanation and justification of it; the author might as well have bolded and underlined the quip about colts. IMHO it broke the flow and turned something that would otherwise be amusing into something cringeworthy.

As I said before, I found the story extremely predictable, to the point it gave an idiot ball to Star Swirl thanks to the “twist” being him figuring out who was the mysterious mage. While I like foreshadowing, it should not basically give away the plot twist in the second paragraph.

Also, in order for this to fit, Star Swirl needs to be one heck of an actor; if he truly remembered the encounter to its last detail, he was doing it knowing every single response his younger self would give (and after having reviewed the whole scene), which makes the casual tone of the first part somewhat less believable. Adding little imperfections to the tale, points where Star Swirl wasn’t sure what exactly happened, would make it more believable given the circumstance. The younger Star Swirl noticing something amiss with the wizard, perhaps an air of unease that went away as the conversation continued, would also have helped. Lastly, finding a different way for Star Swirl to notice who the wizard was, one not so focused on pure distraction — for example, an overheard phrase that pertained to Star Swirl’s current concerns and that he could only figure out given his current context — might have saved Star Swirl from holding the idiot ball.

03. The Old Gray Mare

First person narrative well used, with all the little observations, the sensations, the feelings. The plot itself isn’t much, but the strength of the writing carries it and turns the story into an enjoyable if slow, piece. The characters are also enjoyable and feel like themselves.

Thank you for not going for the obvious ending. Though in part ending an era like this makes me sad, it made the story stronger.

Not much else to say here; it’s a very simple story, though one that delivers all that it promises.

04. Some Trade-Offs Mean More Than Others

“Geez, hold your horses, Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes. I’ve just got to…” is missing a couple quotation marks.

I’m not sure changing the point of view with a soft break is a good idea, might have been better if that section was from the beginning to the end in Rainbow Dash’s point of view.

The hijinks of late seasonal shopping, with a bit of Christmas Hearth’s Warming Eve magic. An old classic; I think I’ve seen those situations in at least half a dozen movies or books each. Which makes this piece even more challenging for the writer, as anything not truly memorable will feel like more of the same. I’m not sure if this story cleared this hurdle, but it at least comes damn close.

It’s a story meant to give warm fuzzies inside, which is something I’m fairly partial to. The interwoven sections were played well, with the foreshadowing in the right place, visible enough for the twists to not seem out of the blue while not outright telling what would happen; while I found the story fairly predictable, it was more due to exposure to the formulas than due to a flaw in the story.

The main flaw, in my humble opinion, is the ending. Giving back everything the characters sacrificed in order to achieve the happy ending makes a mockery of their sacrifice and pushes it too deeply into “Deus Ex Machina” territory to my tastes; Santa is even patronizing in his letter. It also more or less goes against the tone of the series, in which the happy ending often doesn’t involve getting what the character wanted in the first place.

Particularly, I would have dropped the barnyard presents, make Santa treat them more as equals and less as children, and write the letter as if it could be from a common pony that dresses as Santa rather than Santa himself. Perhaps together with a few lines from each pony they helped as a special gift. But then, I find most of the magic in this kind of Santa story comes from having to believe, instead of being shown definitive proof.

05. Cold as Starlight

“Watching the wafts of dust as the shone”: Do you mean “as they shone”? Not the only place where a “they” is misspelled in this way.
“crate of wings”: I guess it’s a crate of apples.

The writing passes to me the vibe of a non-native English speaker; the quality of the narration and the vocabulary displayed don’t match the little issues, the awkward phrasing found here and there throughout the text. This makes reading more clunky than it should be.

The plot strikes close to my heart; I’ve used something fairly similar, down to the inhibiting device on Luna’s horn, as background for one of my unpublished fics. Here, though, it is presented with a staggering attention to detail, interwoven with little snippets that show to great effect where one would usually find something merely told. Though the story, apart from the flashbacks, is a single scene, it’s an enthralling tale nevertheless, and a great window into how the author views Luna’s mindset.

It’s also an unusual tale in bringing eastern-style martial arts into an arena setting. Not sure if the symbology was intended, but having Luna use martial arts similar to those that in our world rose to allow peasants seen as harmless to defend themselves, and facing an opponent based on a warrior from one of our most famous militaristic cultures, meshes well into the “ponies weren’t made for fighting” theme.

One thing that got me thinking: had the griphons actually tested their magic nullifier? Or were they goading Luna into fighting one of their expendable hot-headed nobles in order to both fieldtest a device useful in keeping an alicorn captive and make the griphon empire see ponies as a potential menace?

06. Dubious Enchantment

Great ambience right from the bat; almost feel like something right out of a Discworld novel. And it might well be, as there was the one place where I found the concept of the wandering shop toyed in this specific way, and those shops do travel to other places besides Discworld.

Add Pinkie, and you have a plot that I’m berating myself for not thinking about earlier.

The writing holds quite well, staying amusing to the end. Fully understanding the story requires some knowledge of fairy tales, as their tales weren’t explained, though at least the general gist should be conveyed.

Despite liking it, I have some issues with the story. The main one is that Twilight got Pinkie’s expertise field; as you can see in episodes like Swarm of the Century and Too Many Pinkie Pies, Twilight is more book smart while Pinkie is better versed in folklore and, well, dubious magic. It might have aligned better with canon if their roles were partially reversed, with Pinkie providing the knowledge of how the items worked and Twilight using that to devise containment strategies. There are also some other nitpicks, such as Big Mac being mighty talkative, the group failing to notice the critters peeking inside through the windows when they reached Fluttershy’s cottage, or the shopkeeper managing to best Twilight through sheer luck rather than wits. But overall I enjoyed it greatly, one of the most amusing stories I’ve read in a long time.

BTW, Fluttershy and the Mogwai? First thing that crossed my mind when the opening made it clear it was a wandering shop, glad to see it added as a bonus rather than being an obvious main dish.

07. Cold Hooves

Makes me wonder if it was inspired by the “Closing Time” song.

Is the pair of lost square brackets in there intentional? Might be the author showing that Shining was at a loss for words, but if that is the case it’s an unusual way of doing that. If intentional, in a WriteOff, where we are always expecting errors due to the deadline, deviating from convention in a way that could be confused for an error might not be the best idea.

First thing it did was to send me googling what in the hay is a dive bar. And then there was Fancy Pants’s fancy speech; seemed out of place in the intensity of the accent, his casual prattle sounding like rehearsed discourse. If Fancy Pants regularly goes to places like that to ground himself, I would expect his speech pattern while there to be more down to earth.

The irony is strong when first reading this story, the kind of light headed irony that brings laughter out of those in the know. Which manages an interesting feat; much of the tone and the meaning of the piece changes depending on whether the reader knows the episode “A canterlot Wedding”. And the twist ending, if it reflects Chrysalis’s first approach, then goes on to change everything, in one swoop remove all the sinister undertones from the middle. Nowadays it’s rare that a plot twist can make my opinion of a story jump, but this one managed it.

08. Only The Good Die Young

Sorry to the author, but I did skim part of the story. Anything that causes me to imagine gore associated with ponies has this effect.

A tip of the hat for working fibrous nuggets into the story.

Interesting premise. It took a bunch of separate, old ideas — someone cursed with immortality that only desires to die, an immortal being cursed with a child’s body, best friends that are just a figment of the imagination after the real ones passed away — and mixed them into something refreshing by applying them to the CMC. The author also worked well the timing of the reveals, to let the reader work out what was happening at a reasonable pace, as well as the hints, which gave an indication of what was happening without screaming at the reader’s face; while I figured what happened way before the actual reveal, that was more due to having experience with each of those ideas than due to a story issue. Apart from the graphical gore at the beginning I don’t find much to complain about here.

09. Contradictions

Not sure if the lion ripping apart an antelope is a good metaphor here; apparently hoofed animals in the MLP universe are sentient, so this kind of metaphor becomes far darker and more gruesome than it already is.

“Herpes of the art world” coming from Pinkie; I really don’t think it fits.

Interesting use of first person point of view, with an exaggerated Rainbow Dash inner voice. I guess it was supposed to be funny, but I’m neither a fan of dense Rainbow Dash nor of laying her accent this densely, so for the most part it didn’t work for me. Well, except when Pinkie was involved, which is most of the story; Pinkie was right amusing the whole time, so it was still very worthy a read for the Pinkie jokes alone.

Though I’m not sure what to think about the joke of Pinkie reading Rainbow Dash’s mind. I went ‘what’ myself; was it supposed to be Pinkie basically breaking the fourth wall inside Rainbow’s narration? After all, she is recounting the events, not narrating them as they happen.

As for the plot, it’s one great lead up to nothing, of the kind that leaves the reader snickering at the silliness everypony displayed while managing to keep him guessing at either more serious events or shipping. The true issue basically had Twilight written all over it, too, reminding me of both Lesson Zero and Boast Busters. Overall, a simple premise with good execution, and while I didn’t fully enjoy the narration, still pleasant.

10. All Things In Time

I guess this one was inspired by the “Closing Time” Doctor Who episode.

A story with Celestia’s first person point of view that manages to stay interesting by keeping her out of balance for almost the whole piece. It’s also a hodge-podge of references; Star Swirl not only is obviously based on the Doctor, he actually quotes him, there’s a mention of a Gandalf-like standoff, a very blatant showing of a villain from the Italian version of Donald Duck, and the obvious “the cake is a lie” meme. It works here, if barely, though this many references in this short a fic might not be the best idea.

I liked the use of mental images to show what was on Celestia’s mind, and also the use of tells to show what Star Swirl was thinking; the first ear twitch, suggesting the fear of knowing how he would die is only part of the reason, was a nice touch, as was the way Celestia linked a Trixie grieving in anticipation with the filly from the start.

Keeps me wondering if Celestia making a different promise than asked has any meaning, as well as the mention of more time travellers existing.

11. Pranks for Nothing

Canon Fluttershy is unsure of herself, but here it’s dialed to eleven, to a point that might only make sense if the story was set before Putting Your Hoof Down. Which this story clearly isn’t, as Twilight already has her castle and is showing her 4th season “Celestia lite” personality. Between this and the focus of the story on how a prank aimed at a different pony got the best of Fluttershy, I can’t say I enjoyed the story, sorry.

The writing itself seems solid, and the characters, apart from Fluttershy, seem believable. Not much else I can say about this story, though.

12. Coming Home

This gives me a strong “When She Loved Me” vibe, in a good way; it works the feelings fairly well, including those of the store owner.

Though this story lays a fog of confusion, perhaps in an attempt to mask the obvious ending, that I’m not sure benefits it; mentioning a grandmother’s touch when the creator is male, reminiscing feelings as if the doll had had a previous owner, the false alarm of a purple shape in the store. It seems to try to direct the reader into thinking the story is set in the future through less than reliable narration. The effect of this, for me at least, is that I feel cheated by the writer. Add to this that the story is obvious enough that I already had the gist of it by the first paragraph and the effect is not a good one.

My suggestion to the author would be to get a closer grip on what the doll would know and feel. Making the doll a second hand one might allow this story to work better with the least changes, changing the phantom in the second session to the previous owner instead of a prophetic vision. If intent on making the story less obvious I would also space more the description of the doll, building up the details as the story unfolds, though this is a kind of story where being obvious isn’t much of a flaw.

13. Passing of the Torch

This was among my first batch, and thus already reviewed; going to add a few more things.

Interesting that multiple stories directly referenced the Journal of the Two Sisters, or at least the part of it that is salvageable, story-wise. But here the reference is shoehorned into an infodump, and one blatantly foreshadowed by another character asking “how much you know”; not sure going for this trope is a good idea, even in a fic this short where explanations need to take as little space as possible. The whole second session is an extended infodump, which wrecks with the flow of the story.

About the premise issue: thinking about it a bit more, apart from the disconnect in Twilight being perfectly safe, I think it’s in large part due to how it depends heavily on a particular interpretation of how alicorn magic works, one that isn’t ever seen in canon and the story didn’t have the time to properly sell. This forced the author to rely on tell-heavy language, dragging the story down.

As for the ending being too predictable, on second thought I don’t think it is for most people. It’s just that I’ve seen more than once stories where two characters had to exchange their mantles in order to survive, and one of my previous WriteOff entries used Luna inheriting Celestia’s power as part of the setting; couple that with Magical Mystery Cure being my favorite season ending ever, and the ending was the first thing that crossed my mind as soon as I was told of the central issue.

14. The Iridescent Iron Rat

Interesting start, masking a good bit of infodump to set the story in a kind of dystopian future, though Spike sounds too much like a mind reader; making him less precise in enunciating her thoughts, without reducing his effectiveness, would have improved it, I think.

‘Personal morphic field’; the explanation is close enough to how transmogrification works in the Discworld setting that I wonder if the author is a fan, though I might be reading too much here. The amount of infodump here, and afterward, is a bit astounding; feels somewhat like the ones Terry Pratchett does in his footnotes, but without much of the wit that makes them a pleasure to read. I like reading worldbuilding for its own sake, so I did enjoy it regardless, but going this deep into explaining the technical aspects might not have been the best idea[1].

A villain named “Inseam”? Really? After you had Spike trying to recruit a thief in a dystopian future setting? The Rarity in me just laughed out loud at how you gave away your twist so readily. You had me already thinking of the Mane 6 as freedom fighters in the first scene alone, after all, with future dystopia Spike doing a variation of the old man in the tavern routine.

A bit of curiosity: how was Spike going to find the Rat? Dragon treasure sense seeking a bill of very high denomination that came from his own purse?

Overall, amusing, if more than a bit slow due to the extensive infodumps.

[1]Or you could have gone for footnotes.

15. Apple Knots

Interesting approach and good characterization, but I’m not sure it fits the little the show gave us of Lotus Blossom; the repressed anger towards Rarity alone seems to be a poor fit (and Lotus seems to get away from anger and irritation as the story develops, so it seems to be focused anger), and the one spoken line we have of her in the show is making small talk to Zecora inside the spa.

That aside, it’s entertaining, to be sure. The formula of having someone opening up while undergoing somesuch treatment is an old one, and even going for a silent protagonist is an old trick, but here it was done well enough to stand on its own. Though given the timeframe it makes me wonder what happened to Fluttershy’s date; Lotus had already met all of the Mane 6 early in the first season, after all, so this story should be from there or even earlier.

16. The Museum of Lost Histories

Twisting mythology a bit, I see, by using Balios and Xanthos out of their tales and changing them into unicorns. Can’t say I enjoy when mythological names are used for characters with little to no relationship to the originals, as in here.

Sounds like a sinister counterpart to Morpheus’s Library of Lost Books, where instead of preserving things that were dreamed but never made, it takes things out of reality. And the story is cut short, ending in a dark cliffhanger.

While the writing is fine, I Can’t say I enjoyed it; there are more than a few interesting parts in there, but I’m not into stories that have a bleak ending, and with the place where the cliffhanger stood, that is what I got out of it.

17. Wing Lock

My main issue with this story is that the pacing, the writing style, is too sedate; makes it sound like a strange mesh of a modern tale with old fairy tale telling. But that seems like a stylistical choice rather than a flaw.

Apart from that, an interesting bit of story when taking into account the series; if Gale was right in her prognostic, seems like making friends is the cure for wing lock. The bits of reminiscence interspaced in the narration worked fine to fill the background, the distance between presenting the grandmother and presenting her illness lending extra impact to the issue. Though in a style that I don’t really like, still an enjoyable tale.

4082621
The character is a female dragon, I believe. I have no idea to what extent the person using Alexstrasza as a pseudonym is actually a female dragon.

4082621
Um... Which one of you thought it was acceptable to downvote stories without reading them?

4083322

The author in question here I believe does not cleave to being a dragon nor female. At least, not unless things have changed in the last couple of years that I was unaware of!

Contradictions
Rainbow's voice needs a little more polish. It's pretty good, but some of the words used here, like smidgen, just don't sound like part of her vocabulary.

Being herbivores, Rainbow comparing Twilight's eating habits to that of a lion carries a different connotation than what was intended.

It was really hoping for dialogue when Rainbow explained things to Twilight at the end, especially since that gives her the chance to put her own unique spin on everything.

That ending though... that was hilarious.

And voting is in. I semi-normalized, in that no finalist got beneath a 4. As for reviews, if anyone wants a post-contest review who wasn't in the 8 I touched, just reply to this or PM me!

4082513
4082621
No, despite the handle, Alex is a guy, I can confirm this. :B

4083326
AFAIK from TD's blog, neither. They were testing a theory about people who do.

All of a sudden we're actually going to know who wrote what and how the voting went! Ticking down the hours.

I have less clue than usual what the medalists are going to look like. In the past a lot more reviewers have posted their personal top 5, but with the preliminary round and only 17 finalists, I guess people's behavior is shifting. Anyway, it'll be interesting to see.

4084082
I have three finalist stories left to read and review tonight, and I actually have time do it. Huzzah!
I'm surprised that my opinions on a few of the finalists have been so different from the other reviews I've read, but I suppose dissenting viewpoints are good to have. I just hope my reviews have been useful to the respective authors. The feedback I've gotten has been great.

4084397
I think it would be weird if everyone had the same opinion on everything. That would mean that some lucky author had found the secret formula to writing great stories that appeal to everyone. The great thing about getting such varied reviews is that you can take all those different options and make adjustments where you might not have known such a problem existed, or help to clarify a point that left some people scratching their heads.

In my reviews I try and point out the unique things that I liked as well as the parts that I couldn't follow or didn't make sense as I read. There are a number of things people can suggest, but it's always up to the author to decide if they matter enough to make a change. What I like or might want to change probably won't jive with the next reader in most cases, and that's okay. I hope people take what I say for what it's worth, which might be nothing, and go on to improve their stories in the best way they see fit.

All Things In Time
The prose could use a little more imagery at times, particularly during the action scene. I also had a little trouble keeping the speakers straight there, so some more attributions would help.
I really liked some of the implications here, with Star Swirl (however we're supposed to spell it), Trixie, Luna, Celestia... Honestly, I don't want this to be all there is; I want this story to be five to ten times its current length, delving into the intricacies of his run-ins with Celestia across time.
Oh, and the memes... Some of them were probably lost on me, but I can spot Dr. Who and Portal... and I really didn't care much. That's just not what I was interested in seeing, but the story itself was quite interesting.

4084432
I completely agree that varied viewpoints are important, I'm just not used to my viewpoint being so wildly different

The Iridescent Iron Rat
The writing was superb, as far as I could tell. This is definitely a type of story that demands that its readers be inherently interested in the subject matter. The level of detail regarding the heist, the world, and the characters was all great, but it just doesn't happen to be my cup of MLP tea... I love SciFi (and have written quite a bit of it), but for whatever reason my brain has a very hard time connecting that to Pony. This seems like an excellent story, for the type of story that it is, but I'm just not the target audience.

The Museum of Lost Histories
Now this was a cool concept.

Having Rainbow argue about the technicalities of flight choreography seemed out of character. She's always so in-the-now that having her voice a strong opinion about the nature of what good flying actually is (as opposed to if she herself is capable of doing it) just doesn't seem like her to me.

I didn't see the end coming, and I loved it. In some ways it felt too abrupt; some more detail on what all happened would be nice. All the same, that was a fantastic read.

Apple Knots
This was an interesting concept, overall. There are some dropped words that another editing pass will likely catch.
Lotus staying silent was a nice conceit, as was the final payoff with it at the end.

I enjoyed getting a deeper look into the three clients... Except for not finding how who Fluttershy is going on a date with. Seriously, who?

In some ways, I wish there had been more clients. I get that AJ was the link, and that having more characters compare themselves to her would get repetitive, but two just didn't seem like enough.

So tired D: But I wanna see what happens :B

And then celebratory shots. :D

uh oh, site down.

The guesswork for Back to Normal really, really makes me giggle.