Review of "Amulet of Shades" by Sparkle Cola · 1:36pm May 5th, 2022
Today, I’m finally back from my examinations, which means I will be getting my reviewing engines working again. This time, it’s the Amulet of Shades by Sparkle Cola. Oh, it has been reviewed by my dear friend Cyonix in the past too!
As usual, this review will contain spoilers. You are advised to read it first before proceeding if you do not want to be spoiled.
Summary
It's been nine years since Twilight's ascension, and her relationship with her friends has never been stronger. While many things have changed about their respective lives, Twilight and her friends remain very close.
Unfortunately, their heroism will need to be called upon again, but this time, they may not be enough. The Nightmare Moon Incident had one more complication, one final loose end. One pony, thought forever lost to the passage of time, returns. And she will have her mother free... or die trying.
What is revenge?
Content
Part I: The Introduction
The greatest issue with the story lies with its introduction. Please do not get me wrong, this story does well in many other aspects, such as the characterisation of its protagonists. However, being at the start of the story, it is prudent to discuss this point firstly. I argue that the introduction fails to grip the reader’s interest into the story, because of a few reasons. Chiefly, it is misguided and lacks a clear direction that signals to the reader where the plot would be going so that they would know what they would expect.
There is a balance to strike in this respect. The author should not reveal all of the plot to the reader right off the bat, such that all of the story’s events would be predictable. It is often recommended that the author would attempt to shed light at the prospect of what the story entails, and where its intended direction is. Even if the author does state the end result of the story, their motive would now be to hook the reader into reading the process of getting to the endpoint. However, reveal too little, and the introduction lacks sufficient grounds to entice the reader into reading something vague.
How does this link to my point? In this story, the first “part” of the introduction involves three main scenes, one involving Celestia and Luna after putting down a massive insurgence, one involving Tempest’s inner monologue on why she hated Celestia and finally one pertaining to Mavis. In my opinion, the author attempts to convey different perspectives of the central conflict and thus the plot of the story. This is to help provide circumstantial context and added perspectives.
However, in doing so, it suffers from misdirection; the reader is exposed to a copious amount of information that seems to reveal much of the plot, yet the reader does not know what to make of it initially. The lack of focus leaves the introduction appearing vague and disjointed, weakening the readers’ motivation to continue reading. This is despite the fact that much of the context, in hindsight, has been given to the reader.
Delving into why the first chapter appears disjointed, notice that the author has three seemingly misrelated scenes as the foundation to the plot. Reading further, the author’s motives become clear; for instance, the first scene with Celestia and Luna explains why Luna had to ‘disown’ any connection between her and her daughter, because of what Celestia’s son had done to ravage Equestria. This is because this would set the stage for the central conflict.
However, coupled with the other scenes, the introduction of the story becomes confusing. This is especially because the scenes in question do not explicitly link to each other, at least for a casual reader who has just started out. For example, readers might ask who would be the character that they should be following, or rooting for? Is it Celestia or Luna? Is it Tempest? Is it Mavis? Additionally, readers will struggle to fathom where the story will go. Thus, it becomes muddling for the reader’s interest to be sparked.
Furthermore, I admit that I was confused on who Tempest really was. It could be easy to mix Tempest up with Tempest Shadow, although it was later revealed that Tempest was the daughter of Luna. Tempest Shadow was later distinguished in the story by referring to her as Fizzlepop Berrytwist, an overzealous guard of Princess Twilight. As a consequence, I was wrongfully led to believe that Tempest’s inner musings on Celestia was to develop why Tempest had decided to go against Equestria by allying with the Storm King. This led me way off tangent. Admittedly, because of its apparent, logical connection, I bought the idea that the same Tempest Shadow was somehow Luna’s daughter.
Compounding matters, notice that most of the introduction involves revealing much of the context through exposition. Most damaging to the story’s premise would be the manner Tempest explicitly stated her hatred of Celestia. The context required to understand why Tempest hated Celestia was laid out right before the reader’s eyes as a prerequisite to understand why the events after Nightmare Moon’s banishment were so traumatizing to Tempest. And so, her monologue concludes that she outright abhors Celestia.
I apologize; this is harsh, but I found that this also occurred almost on a whim, as if dictated by the plot for the matter of convenience. The scene was arbitrarily set approximately two hundred years after the first scene with Celestia and Luna. Then, Tempest was walking down a valley, till…
Her thoughts wandering while she worked, Tempest thought back to when her life became much more interesting. Fifteen years ago, on her birthday, her adoptive mom's best friend helped her apply to Sisters Academy. Mavis Morel was the odd pegasus that lived next door…
The story fills the readers in on the information required to progress with the story here. Evidently, although such a method of exposition dumping might be efficient, and necessitated by the story, the many drawbacks render this unsavory. At the core, readers, having just been introduced to Tempest, would not have a great level of empathy with her. Specifically, there is little reason for readers to get invested in her, since they have not seen much interaction with her and the world.
The author intends to build this empathy through this stream of exposition, but it falls flat because readers would not be engaged to read through Tempest’s experience in a listed, chronological order. The initial few paragraphs focused much attention on building the ambience and environment that Tempest was in, rather than showing her anger, regret and anguish. This would otherwise foreshadow and set a precedent for what the reader would be looking out for. The lack of which meant that Tempest’s exposition appears not to help in the context of engaging the reader.
As the information was doled out to the reader, there is little nuance captured in the scene the author intended to describe for Tempest. This hence weakens the immersion into the scene, making them more impassive than they deserved to be. A scene that should have been delved deeper stated in her exposition would be the fight between her and Celestia. There would have been ample opportunities to regale how Tempest had felt, how much she had believed in the strength of her amulets, and how crushed her emotions were when she was utterly defeated.
Instead, the story offers a unidimensional approach, which compresses a scene with much potential and squanders that pivotal opportunity to get readers to be hooked in the story.
The story proffers the same message of how Tempest hated Celestia because of one central reason. Being repetitive in nature, its effectiveness only weakens with continued usage. In the context of driving the plot through exposition, where the message can be gleaned in plain sight due to its high efficiency, this is particularly damaging to the strength of the prose. The impact of Tempest’s anger quickly loses its impact with the reader, and hence the immersion.
Moreover, being original characters, I argue that Tempest and (later) Mavis require some foundational development before the author can proceed with using exposition-driven development. Consider the first scene with Celestia and Luna — due to the readers’ prior contextual knowledge of the two sisters’ personalities, they would be able to draw links with what they already know and contrast them with their traits in the story. Their actions and demeanor during this time would be familiar and captivating for readers to learn; to see how the author interpreted their relationship during this time and in the context of this story.
This cannot be said for Tempest and Mavis. The reader expects to learn more about these characters and hopefully get invested in them. It is hoped that, through the manner these characters would interact with the world and each other, there would be character traits of nuance. These can be implied or inferred, leaving a greater impression on the readers’ mind, whilst progressing the plot of the story. Afterwards, should the pacing need to speed up, the author may supplement these with expository prose.
On the other hoof, the story introduces Tempest immediately by jumping into her, allowing her to simply regale all the necessary information required for the story. Beyond the typical question of “why think of all of this now and not earlier, or not later”, the approach fails to do justice to the emotional clash to make the character interesting. Contrastingly, it fails to hook the reader.
I would recommend distilling the introduction down. Focus on the central idea of Tempest’s inner conflict. The initial scene with Celestia and Luna would be great to serve as a prologue. In the prologue, the author could develop an enticing fight scene with the two sisters, or provide an introspective look into the aftermath. Drive the extent of the devastation by showing the wreck of cities or the death toll. Link either option into ensuring that this would never occur again by an oath.
The subsequent first chapter proper could then pivot on Tempest. Differentiate her as an original character, leverage on a heartfelt or grievous memory (such as the fight against Celestia or the day when Luna was banished to the moon) to channel and show her feelings. Use the environment to accentuate this. Show how her abilities had been squandered or handicapped by Celestia to showcase the sheer injustice. Afterwards, Mavis could be brought into the picture in the next part of the chapter, though the bulk of the introduction should draw the reader’s attention to the main protagonist.
Part II: Taking Off
Fortunately, the story manages to pick itself up following this. From the second chapter on, the author leverages on character interaction to convey their unique traits. The introductory interaction with Tempest and Meadow, for instance, helps the reader acclimate to this new character. Thereafter, future expository development would be more palatable, because of the provision of context of these characters acting in this story. This not only helps Meadow, but also Tempest.
Nonetheless, such devices should be used in critical junctures where the story wishes to adopt a speedier pace. By reverting back to using exposition to tell the reader the prerequisites for their enjoyment, the ceaseless usage can be monotonous should the reader be disinterested in the character at the time. The huge advantage of using dialogue, speech mannerisms, descriptors and setting ambience included in showing the scene cannot be understated, nor can it be easily replaced with exposition, regardless of the prose’s brevity.
Still, when writing the characters interacting with one another, the author does justice to ensuring that the characters’ dialogue remain natural in the context of the story, whilst showing their own traits in such scenes. The author largely avoids the pitfall of forcing the characters to what the plot requires. Through showcasing their physical reactions to what the other party had to say, the author was able to show the characters’ feelings with finesse, complementing their dialogue. The dialogue is sharp and prim. Furthermore, the personal voices of each character can be, to a large extent, gleaned for the readers to differentiate between them.
Part III: Fight Sequences
Although not perfect, the fights in this story remain captivating. Many writers struggle with fight sequences, because developing one organically in the context of one’s own setting proves difficult when combined with other factors. Briefly, such factors include ensuring that there is a purpose to the fight in the plot, keeping the fight engaging and more. For a rigorous approach, each point will be discussed, and the first major fight scene in the fifth example will be an apt example to minimize spoilers.
First, the author managed to do a great job in layering the fight scene in the context of the story. Like the specificity of an active site of an enzyme, it can be observed that the fights are tailored to the needs of the story. For example, beyond the magic of amulets hitherto explored by the story up to this point, there is little to distinguish or demarcate the limits to unicorn magic here. Fortunately, the author realizes this, and uses the fight to show its magic system.
In this case, it is shown that the proficiency in a unicorn’s magic would be proportional to the complexity of their spells, how long they could sustain such spells, and the effects should they stretch themselves too far. By helping to draw the boundaries of Tempest’s own magical limits, it helps to justify her actions in the future. This erases ambiguity and lowers the risks of accidentally tripping over a plothole, such as “Why didn’t Tempest didn’t simply just cast a teleportation spell to evade the police?”
Another sub-point would be the manner in which the story was able to exploit the fight scenes to show Tempest’s and the assailants’ character traits. Due to the clash in their motivations, the fight was able to contrast their stance on the same matter. Furthermore, readers can learn more about how each party responds to the other’s challenge, be it through creativity, quick wit or simply brute forcing their way through. It sheds greater insight into the character, and builds connections.
As a result, the fight undeniably has a purpose in this story. One could compare this to other stories, where the events of a fight fail to hold any weight in the rest of the story. Fights could just be introduced to artificially inject a cliffhanger to the end of a chapter, but reflect nothing supplementary or even complementary to the story’s progress. Such is not the case here; the characterisation of Tempest, the magic system, the challenge that it provides to her helps to draw attention to the conflict.
This leads me to my last point in ensuring that the fight scene remains engaging to the reader. This is the most difficult aspect in a fight; the author has to moderate between keeping the prose sharp, descriptors strong, challenge worthy and sequence prim to do so.
The prose’s convoluted nature means that the fight scene fails to hurdle the first point. An example would prove useful.
“No—!” Tempest murmured. “How could he—?”
The unicorn completed his second teleport spell, and was now standing only twelve meters away, looking around to survey his surroundings. With a rising sense of panic, Tempest reviewed her options. She didn’t want to cause this pony or anypony harm, but her hesitance in dealing with this threat decisively was now greatly increasing her chances of being seen or even caught. She had promised herself that the ends would justify the means, but when it really came down to it, how could she just reach out and harm another pony?
No. Not harm. Just incapacitate a little bit.
She supposed she could draw upon the Eye again, but after what happened to the librarian, she didn’t want to try that yet. Alternatively, she could try stunning him with a magical blast but escalating the situation like that would definitely dissolve the delicate invisibility charm, making her visible not only to him but to any other ponies that happen to be at a vantage point to watch an impromptu magic duel. There was always teleportation, but again, channeling that many Thaums of magic would dissolve her invisibility, leaving a chance for her to become completely visible before the spell was completed.
Paralyzed by indecision, Tempest kept quiet, almost holding her breath as she watched the unicorn pace back and forth, something like a caged tiger. She cursed herself for her hesitance.
It can be argued that the sheer length of the prose is trying to describe the level of conflict that was occurring in Tempest’s mind. It is clear that her mind is trying to go through and revise every single option to determine which was best. This, to be fair, assists in showing Tempest’s meticulousness.
However, the shortfall would be that it is unable to play on the level of panic the author is trying to showcase in this sequence. Furthermore, the tempo of the chase is lost. These two factors stem from the lengthy prose that resulted in longer sentences. The long development of each of Tempest’s ideas seem to give her borrowed time mandated by the plot. The constant focus on her also means that the story neglects the other party’s response, making it seem like they were idle for a long period of time while Tempest was pontificating internally. The long paragraphs did not assist in this endeavor, either.
In a similar vein, I recommend distilling each pointer down into their barest constituents. It would be more believable for Tempest to be able to think in a more hurried and less analytical fashion. This is because Tempest was in a state of fear and anxiety while constantly being chased down. She might have a sharp mind, but coupled with the little reaction time she had available, it would be natural not to expect compelling lines of reasoning. Condensing these thoughts would help to convey the panic and the tempo that complements the chase.
Going one step further, the author could also consider altering the syntax and the manner in which these ideas surface in Tempest’s mind when she calmed herself down momentarily.
However, the author handled the remaining points well. The word choice was decent, as the author avoids words with weaker connotations to drive up the strength of the duo’s clash.
Another focus point would be the challenge provided for Tempest in the form of Rebus — who, in this case, was competent in his role. It is often seen how the main characters would be able to swat their enemies with a wave of a hoof, or by the aid of their friends appearing seemingly out of nowhere. When this occurs, it devalues the antagonists and relegates them as an insignificant thorn in the main characters’ side. It would then become clear who the winner would be. Of course, this would only be applicable if the result was not already spoiled, such as in the Spectrum of Lightning.
In this story, Rebus is presented to be a challenge, even against Tempest’s superior magical abilities. The allure to the fight originates from the reader wondering and rooting for either character — on who would ultimately become victorious after a clever sequence of maneuvers to outsmart one another.
This reminds me of my last point. Even though the fights suffer from convoluted descriptions, the creative way the characters dance together in a harmonic fashion is enrapturing and refreshing. Tempest and Rebus both had to come up with creative methods to achieve their own goals and outdo the other; it was not a simple case of charging the most powerful magical spell and summoning it at the other.
It shows their intellectual capabilities, and also draws interest into how the fight could possibly continue to progress, keeping the readers engaged. As a result, although the fight can appear long, the experience remains solid due to their creativity. It is not just repetitively firing bolts of magic and shields at each other, hoping that one of them would fail to react in time. It is about thinking ahead in the heat of the moment, strategizing, and to move one step ahead.
Part IV: Plot Conveniences
Another issue would be the few, glaring plot conveniences that crop up in the story from time to time, the most egregious of which would be how a skeptical Meadow bought Tempest’s memories so easily. For context, Meadow had been Tempest’s companion until she realized Tempest’s motivation to kill their ruler for the sake of revenge. To her, this did not make any sense but Tempest was determined to prove it to her through evidenced-based medicine. I mean, through showing that she had invented amulets and her past memories.
After showing off the amulet, Meadow fired back, saying that they could not prove anything regarding her feud with Celestia. This is justified; although amulets were not available, she could not prove that it was banned because of her feud with Celestia. It is no surprise that Meadow remains adamant of Tempest.
However, after showing her past memories, Meadow made a complete one-eighty and suddenly threw her lot with Tempest.
“Let’s go save your Mom.”
Meadow sounded so matter-of-fact, it was startling. Tempest couldn’t believe her ears.
I can’t believe my eyes either. Meadow was aware of Tempest’s magical capability — why wouldn’t she suspect that whatever she had observed was a fabricated figment of Tempest’s imagination warped into a false memory? Why would she believe the existence of this godly entity that wishes to ‘control’ Tempest’s soul? Compare this with her skepticism on the amulets and on the reasons for Tempest’s delusion. The huge difference in Meadow’s reaction is peculiar.
If the author had intended to show Meadow as a gullible individual, there is still a disparity — Meadow would have been less resistant to the idea that Celestia would be a tyrant. She would have been shown to somewhat believe Tempest right off the bat when they were talking about the amulet. Hence, the sudden shift in Meadow’s attitude was jarring.
In this scene, I would have preferred if Tempest had to expend greater effort in convincing Meadow to bridge this divide. The memory playback appeared as a convenience to drive the story forward so that Meadow would follow Tempest.
To cushion this rapid change of heart, the author could have helped pad it by showing her disappointment at Celestia more. Being educated under the “modern education system”, Meadow would have been “indoctrinated” to think that Celestia was a benevolent leader who should not be doing such things. Meadow would have been stunned, or even in denial for a period of time before she admits and buys into Tempest’s argument.
Part V: Perspectives
Especially later down in the story, there is much perspective-switching to the point whereby it becomes rather difficult for readers to juggle between all the scenes and what is occurring in each of them. The constant jumping presents a challenge for readers to be immersed into each of them to a meaningful degree — observe how some of the transitions weaken the strength of the previous scene, squandering opportunities to siphon off greater reader engagement.
It is even more pressing when one considers how constant interruptions make it difficult to keep track of all of the events, as the reader would expect that all scenes will ultimately converge into a central arc.
The addition of time and location during every change in perspective helps somewhat in identifying which scene the story is changing to, but it would have been easier to simply focus on a central theme or scene in a chapter. If the author intends to include a small snippet that is salient, they may insert it during a period of lull such that it does not kill the tension developed. This would help to sharpen the immersion and make the story more focused in the perspective it wishes to tell.
Part VI: Intrigue
In spite of its flaws, the story presents itself to be interesting — the author, even though relying much on exposition to provide the information necessary for the hints to make sense, was able to grip my attention through the remainder of the story. It is fair that the author had to provide some specific information about Tempest to ensure that the reader would be strapped onto the roller coaster of plot twists and more.
Tempest was often faced with challenges that stem from her central goal. The author continues to implement creative and unorthodox methods for Tempest to get through every challenge, not without difficulty. The secured door puzzle remains embedded in my mind. This helped greatly with her and her entourage’s character development, keeping them fresh and live to change and quandaries. They became memorable over time, and attached.
Flow
Unfortunately, the disjointed nature of the introduction, coupled with the constant switching of perspectives can make it difficult for readers to be able to connect with the story adequately for the content and plot to shine brilliantly. As a result, there was an initial lack of focus that proved to be non-ideal to the construction of the plot.
In addition, the constant reliance of exposition meant that the pacing of the story can be warped awkwardly at times. As telling is far more efficient, there is a tendency for the story to have an abrupt shift in tempo. The transition to a lengthy exploration of the character’s inner voice during the fight scenes, too, skewed the pacing, causing the tension to be lost.
Language
Technical errors are relatively scarce through a casual read.
"Um, yeah, thanks.“ Tempest said. "Anything I can do?”
"Um, yeah, thanks(,)” Tempest said. "Anything I can do?”
The force yanked her forelimb straight, held as it was against Tempest’s body, and a audible clunk was heard.
The force yanked her forelimb straight, held as it was against Tempest’s body, and an audible clunk was heard.
The sound of his exertions were the backdrop for Fizzlepop’s droning voice as she continued.
The sound of his exertions was the backdrop for Fizzlepop’s droning voice as she continued.
“Not so fast!” Having moved In a yellow blur, Fluttershy was now pressing a hoof against Discord’s chest.
“Not so fast!” Having moved in a yellow blur, Fluttershy was now pressing a hoof against Discord’s chest.
Sure enough, Tempest noticed a few airborne specks changing directions and heading towards their location on the roof, likely pegusi officers.
Sure enough, Tempest noticed a few airborne specks changing directions and heading towards their location on the roof, likely pegasi officers.
Stance
This is an enjoyable read after one gets through the rocky start. Nonetheless, the intrigue, along with the creative fight sequences, had me for the majority of the story.
Content/Plot: 6/10
Flow/Communication: 5.8/10
Language/Readability: 6.8/10
Overall: 6.2/10
Verdict: Enjoyable
Thanks so much! Will give my full reply soon… Again, Thanks!
Hi Stinium...
Here is a big ol' reply on my blog:
Also, thanks for the follow!