Review of "A New Garden" by Firefoxino · 1:48pm Feb 27th, 2022
Today, I will be reviewing “A New Garden” by Firefoxino. I apologise for the long wait; I had quite a few exams lined up soon, and I’ll be trying my best to maintain that mythical one review per week schedule.
As usual, this review will contain spoilers. You are advised to read it first before proceeding if you do not want to be spoiled.
Summary
With the status quo of Equestria hanging in the balance, the celestial bodies out of control and both Princesses out of the picture, it is now down to Twilight to maintain the order and try to save as many ponies as she can. How would a character from the League of Legends game help in this endeavour?
Content
Before I begin, I would like to make a disclaimer: I have never played League of Legends before. I have made an effort to at least read up a little before embarking on the review itself, but this review will still likely be written from an outsider’s perspective.
This leads to my first point. Prior to researching who Lillia was, I had no idea who she was. She was simply portrayed as some being who had branches as a purifying weapon of some sort to cleanse dreams of nightmares. She was shown to have great fear of another character called Norturne, who was apparently tormenting everyone with their nightmares.
Fortunately, after a cursory glance on who Lillia and Norturne were on the League of Legends Wiki, I was able to piece things together somewhat more cogently. For instance, I could at least understand how Lillia’s ‘branches’, as it were described in the story, were able to fend off nightmares from individuals’ dreams.
Without contextual knowledge of League of Legends, I feel that the story is rather inaccessible to many new readers, especially since the story failed to develop these characters more deeply.
For example, what was Lillia’s motivation to stop Norturne? In the story, the author shows how Norturne was able to “feed on dreams, until the dreamers die” and it was Lillia’s responsibility to save the dreamers because “that’s what the tree wants.” It’s difficult for readers who have never played League to understand the context behind Lillia’s motivation; what does she mean by “that’s what the tree wants?” The author could have provided some context, perhaps by allowing Twilight to ask Lillia this very question. Another method would be to step into Lillia’s shoes to explore her thoughts on the matter.
More concerning would be the overall lack of development of these characters. There was even little to show how these characters looked like. Before my research, I was struggling to visualise how Lillia or (less so) Nocturne were supposed to look like, and how their physiology would enable their “branches” or “tendrils” to be viable weapons. It was hence difficult to connect to these characters, and it unfortunately weakened my immersion into them.
Indeed, because of this, the positions played by these chosen characters could have been filled by any other; there was nothing new these characters offered beyond having branches as a way to wash away the bad dreams, and there was certainly nothing new in shadowy tendrils. Twilight herself astutely observed this herself; she mentioned how similar Nocturne's dark tendrils were to Sombra’s.
It is therefore important to build the characterisation of these characters first, before moving ahead with the plot. It is doubly important, since the target audience might not be aware of these characters, and so does Twilight. There were ample opportunities for Twilight to at least question Lillia’s identity and role as a dream-purifier, minimally more so than she was shown to convey.
Moving on, this story is set in an alternate universe where Celestia was nearly assassinated (and essentially put out of commission due to her mental state), while Luna had perished in the heat of the world, leaving Twilight the sole responsibility to defend Equestria from an enemy. Frankly, this is perfectly fine; I’m typically rather open to such storylines so long as it can be justified.
What enemy, you might ask? Well, the story didn’t explicitly mention any particular group or organisation, though they have been shown to be attacking Equestria mercilessly. From the perspective of an author attempting to build some lore in an alternate universe, I believe answering this question would be worth some merit, even if it might not be a crucial driver in the story. It is pivotal because it sets the scene for what was befalling upon the Equestrian crisis. It helps to cement why there was such a fervent motivation to attack Equestria relentlessly. It could also explain why Celestia was also mentally down; was this conflict chiefly her fault, or was it more nuanced, like from Fallout Equestria?
Compounding matters, there was little to show the extent of Twilight’s anxiety of taking the reins of leadership beyond the story’s attempt at conveying a beleaguered Celestia, a vanquished Luna, and a long grocery list of things to do on Twilight’s agenda. But in the author’s defence, he did attempt to show some of Twilight’s anxiety by stating how “the weight of her crown…[was never heavier]” and by how she “placed her head on her hoof which rested on the throne.”
However, without showing how bleak the situation was at the frontlines, or domestically, it was challenging to empathise with Twilight’s position. It was simply noted that Twilight was “not ready to lead in this position” and that “she hoped the number of necessary steps would stop at forty because she had to eat anything.” Some discussion on the casualties, or the circumstance would assist in this.
Right now, you might be puzzled. How did the author manage to draw a connection between clearing out the dream realm of Norturne and the circumstances in this alternate universe? It was during a hearing from a petitioner that Twilight caught word of pervasive nightmares invading her ponies’ dreams. She then became distressed at the state of her subjects’ mental health, in conjunction with whatever that was happening at the same time.
In my opinion, I doubt that Twilight would be that concerned over these matters. Again, the lack of context remains a thorn in substantiating this point. Nonetheless, judging by how critical the situation was, I felt that Twilight had more pressing matters to deal with. You could argue that Luna’s death would mean that no one would be able to resolve this, and that the fighting capabilities of the Equestrian soldiers would be affected with inadequate sleep. This is entirely valid, if Twilight had actually been shown to think in this manner.
My final point would be on the development of the story’s fight scenes. They suffer from many typical issues that I have encountered with other stories I have reviewed. Let’s take a look at an excerpt.
“A foolish notion, to think I won’t kill you!” The Demon seethed, he launched towards her with unbelievable speed and only thanks to her new Alicorn biology she didn’t lose her head. A deep gash appeared on her side which made her scream in pain. Before she could even register the pain though the Demon went back and stabbed her leg eliciting another scream. He was now on top of her with his faceless head right in front of hers.
Notice the longer, convoluted sentences that made the action sequences draggy. This causes the prose to be less pithy and punchy.
Also observe how the author had focused on Twilight’s alicorn biology saving her, instead of her injury, first. This delay in conveying the extent of damage that was inflicted onto Twilight weakened the impact the sequence had sought to portray.
Another matter of salience would be how the author continued with “Before she could even…” to show how swift the Demon was in attacking Twilight. This could have been done away by paragraphing, and jumping directly into “The Demon (went back and) stabbed her leg…” and so on. This would not only help to hasten the tempo of the fight itself as an intense battle, but also highlight how relentless the Demon was in attacking without warning. The pause introduced by “Before she could even register the pain though…” dilutes this effect.
The syntax could also be tailored to suit this narrative. “A deep gash appeared on her side which made her scream in pain” was decent to show how badly Twilight was injured, but this clear, cause-and-effect relationship implied by the sentence watered down its impact. What if the author had replaced it with, say, “Twilight screamed. A deep gash appeared on her side, ruby red oozing out.”
Another issue would be the mechanical nature of the choreography, such as in the italicised section of this next excerpt.
“Get away from her!” Lillia said smashing her branch against Nocturne making him fly away and onto the ground, she then hopped back and jumped in the air slamming the branch against him and making him grunt in pain, he then shot another spectral hand at her and using it as a distraction whirled around opening two deep wounds on her chest. Lillia shouted in pain but managed to swat him away, he then went back into the dark waiting for an opening.
Ignoring the lengthy sentence, the step-by-step breakdown of all the physical actions undertaken made it not only difficult to track after a few clauses, but also convoluted and chaotic. Being hard to visualise, and owing to the lack of development to the result of each strike, the fight sequence quickly became bogged down.
To wrap this section on fights up, all in all, the author should consider describing the scene more actively, show the damage inflicted and the result of the strike succinctly, making the fight more dynamic.
Flow
Due to the insufficient amount of context provided in the piece, the content was hard to piece together. There were also instances, such as the one quoted below, where the scene abruptly jumps to another without any cues. This excerpt was exemplary in conveying this point, because the foal in the last paragraph was not brought up earlier in the story and was suddenly introduced, all of a sudden.
“No...no, I-I just can’t sleep… Every time I close my eyes terrible nightmares come, of a shadow darker than the night, it, it tries to kill me!” He said in a ushered whisper.” He then started to sob uncontrollably. “I-I’m so sorry…”
Twilight held the stallion down and carefully brushed his side with her wing. “What a disaster.”
Meanwhile, in the feeble and sometimes scary mind of a foal a dark presence arrived, unhindered by the moon the shadows could creep wherever they pleased, and they knew it. The darkness circled around the foal like a shark, the poor infant started to scream and cry at the sight of its wonderful dream ruined.
The pacing of the story was also relatively fast, and gave little time for the reader to be able to sink into the ambience of a seemingly apocalyptic scene and the stresses that Twilight had to endure.
Language
Numerous errors were found in this piece. Let’s take a look at some examples.
In the magical land of Equestria, the Sun hangs lifelessly in the firmament.
In the magical land of Equestria, the Sun hung lifelessly in the firmament.
“A princess is not allowed to have that posture.” Ink Pot immediately said.
“A princess is not allowed to have that posture[,]” Ink Pot immediately said.
And if the guardian was absent it went onto her to right the wrongs!
And if the guardian was absent it was down to her to right the wrongs!
“What!?” The pony replied utterly confused, “There is no such thing as Demons!” She replied.
“What!?” the pony replied utterly confused[.] “There is no such thing as Demons!”
It was far different than anything she had ever seen, it didn’t have any legs, it’s head was dark as night with eyes blue and alight, on its arms there were two extremely long crooked blades red as blood.
It was far different than anything she had ever seen[.] It didn’t have any legs and its head was dark as night with eyes blue and alight. It was also equipped with two extremely long crooked blades red as blood.
Stance
Due to the insufficient development of its imported characters and the alternate universe this story is set in, the read can be inaccessible and difficult to follow.
Content/Plot: 1/10
Flow/Communication: 1/10
Language/Readability: 2/10
Overall: 1.3/10
Verdict: Needs Work
Thank you for your help in this stinium, it really showed what I need to do in order to make it good. Mayhaps I'll rewrite it following your advices. Thank you again
"In the magical land of Equestria, the Sun hangs lifelessly in the firmament"
No <.< >.> I never wanted to say hung, I meant to say that the sun itself was hanged. Yes that's it. Tooootally it.