Won't you let me (not) go on a "free" cruise? · 7:30pm May 4th, 2022
...ooo-e baby?
The short version is that I have a certificate good for one free cruise, and -- I'm probably not going.
The long version will take some explaining.
My mother was a crafter, specializing in wood restoration work and making her results into gift sets. So she worked at outdoor craft fairs and shows, trying to sell her wares. (You want irony? Around noon today, one of her fellow crafters called. A friend just had a baby boy, and she wanted to know if there was anything suitable left in storage. Unforgettable...) And around here, some of those fairs were held at shore towns. A few very select ones? On the boardwalk.
Or, if you want the capital, the Boardwalk.
Right. Ocean behind, casinos in front. At least there was never any trouble in getting change for purchases, although shoplifters abounded and if you're ever in need of a laugh, just wait for someone to ask that you hold an item for them while they run inside and win enough to pay for it. And if you're working in Atlantic City, you sign up for casino comp cards. Why? Because you have to park somewhere. Also, random restaurant comp offers. Occasional 'free' gifts. Small touches of free slot play.
So she had cards. She never played, but she had cards. I had a few, because I helped her now and again. And... when times were better, I would take her to the shore for lunch, maybe twice a year. She loved Gordon Ramsay's Pub And Grill. The staff loved her. She got the recipe for the French onion soup out of them...
...getting way off track.
I have casino comp cards. I don't use them. I can't afford to gamble, because I am relatively poor and as y'all have repeatedly seen in this blog, my luck is demonstrably horrible. But I still get offers. A monthly booklet of all the things I can't do. Some free show tickets which I can't afford to redeem. (Gas, tolls, parking. The trip isn't free.) And because of... everything... I hadn't gone down there to do anything in quite some time.
Not until last Friday.
Why? See above.
We talked about it a lot in the Discord server, after the offer's postcard arrived. Because that was all I had: a postcard. Come down on April 29th and pick up your free cruise certificate! Where could you go? You'll see when you get there. Not before. And April was not a good month for me, fiscally. It was going to cost money just to go get something which probably had no value whatsoever. I had to spend nothing for most of a week just to free up the travel money.
But I went. Because my wanderlust is still so very high. Because my passport wants to be stamped. And because it was like a lottery ticket for travel: you tell yourself that you'll win, right up until you lose.
Also because I wanted to see just how drastically this would fail. Because there had to be a catch, right? Multiple catches. The Con Is On.
Well... yes and no.
There's probably a lot of questions in play among the audience. First up might be 'Is this real?'
Second: 'Why you?' Especially when I haven't been down there in so long. Random draw, I think. I stood in line to pick up the certificate, and the other people there had nothing in common.
(Hundreds came down throughout the day. About seventy while I was there. For those wearing masks? I was one of three.)
And... third up is probably 'Why give away cruises at all?' I can think of a few factors.
Look at that cruise link again. They're rather directly advertising this as a Casino At Sea and if this doesn't terrify you, it should. Casinos on land have regulations and minimum long-term payback rates. International waters? Good luck, sucker. I think they're hoping that whoever they get this way loses their shirt, blouse, luggage, and up to $3000 in gambling credit. Which the cruise will extend to you. Per day. Ideal is that the people they pick up never even look at the ocean, and the fact that I wouldn't be gambling means that if I took this ride -- one where the promo says they will directly track my play -- I'll never get another one.
Also, cruise lines have not been having the easiest time in the age of covid. I am fully aware that I would be potentially walking onto a plague ship, thankee. I have to schedule a booster this month -- state regulations mean I can't ask for the appointment until the 9th -- and even then, vaxxed and masked, I would be playing Health Roulette. Round and round we go and when the ball drops, so do you.
So why am I thinking about this at all? Because I want to go somewhere. But mostly, I'm blogging just to talk out the sheer stupidity of it.
Because even if I rolled the dice on becoming ill... this is effectively impossible.
A "free" cruise isn't.
It's actually a fee cruise.
Cruise lines have all sorts of ways to extract extra money from riders. Here's a sample list. But if you're careful, don't mind using the buffet, avoid the go-cart track... it's possible to get away with the base costs.
However, the certificate I have only covers those base costs. It does not cover the following: gratuities (mandatory, and added onto your bill), dock fees for the port city, taxes, travel insurance (which is what pays for your medical care if you get hurt), and so on down the line. This means a "free" cruise has a guaranteed minimum cost -- and a deadline for paying it.
Let's talk about what's being offered.
I'm about to show you my actual certificate -- but I want to add one detail here. Strictly speaking, I am not limited to the list you're going to see. The certificate can be applied as a coupon of -- some value -- to any cruise offered by this line. These are the ones which it fully covers for the base booking cost, along with the Must Book By and Must Sail By dates.
Take a look.
A few things might stand out.
First, we've got 'Port'. I can readily reach New York. Everything else is an extra travel expense. I'd have to fly to most of them.
However, you might have noticed that one of the listed ports is Seattle.
And we, as a community, have Everfree Northwest coming up in late August...
For some time now, my Ko-Fi tip jar goal has possessed the following text.
Everfree Northwest 2022
Because it's not going to happen, and probably shouldn't -- but let's pretend.
(Goal must be reached by June 30th in order to allow flight & hotel bookings at slightly less insane rates. If goal is actually met, I will in fact attend. And maybe catch a Mariners game. If they're at home and baseball still exists.)
(Hey, the owners and players reached a tentative agreement!)
(...the Mariners are gonna kill me.)
So yes, the bluesky lottery dream thought did occur to me. Attend the convention, and then jump directly on a boat to Alaska.
Reality showed a rare moment of kindness and punched a hole in it.
Prior to writing this blog, I called the cruise line to ask about fees, and... they told me to use their website, book almost all the way through, and that would give me the quote. Without a specific date of travel, no specific fees. I played around with it for about half an hour, and thus have numbers for you now.
But I can also tell you that there ain't no boats leaving on August 29th. (There's one on the 28th, but I'd never make it in time.)
(And it was assuming, just to be silly, that I'd reach the convention.)
(Impossible + impossible equals...)
(Pity. Portions of the server were very high on the possibilities offered by Alaska.)
So, a little more realistically (for that value of 'impossible'), we're looking at New York -- plus one option for pure silly.
New York means Bermuda or eastern Canada.
Quick pause before we hit the numbers, because at least one person is probably thinking 'Gee, Estee, when the dumb Everfree Northwest goal falls apart, why not use any tips you've somehow gotten towards the cruise?'
Because the EFNW goal has to be met by June 30th and I have to book the cruise on the 29th.
Irony.
...yes, I'm aware I could slide back the goal date by a couple of days. (Work with me here.)
'So why not make a cruise into the goal from July on?'
Payment requirements. I did ask the help line about this. A cruise which is set to sail within 120 days of booking must be paid for at the time of booking. Anything later than that? Does get some extra time. So I was playing around with the numbers, and for a cruise which was set to sail in January... I got some extra time. To wit, I got 'pay in full by July 5th.'
This wasn't really helpful.
(My hope, when I went to pick up the certificate? Sail November through January, pay at that time, then try to save X per month until departure. Didn't work out.)
All right. Let's look at the numbers. What I'm going to post are rounded-off figures -- but if you want to see exactly what this sort of thing costs in fees et. all, please go to the cruise line's website and run through a sample booking. I had to add Enforced Tips, which aren't listed.
Mandatory gratuities, port fees, travel insurance...
Bermuda was $350 to $600. (Length of cruise was a factor there: five days vs. seven.)
Canada came in around $410.
And now, let's talk Silly Season.
...no, not Barcelona. You are not getting Aragon in the same room with me. This already happened and he never noticed. Just for fun, I looked at Athens. I wanted to see where the ship stopped, because Mediterranean cruise and... maybe I could go home.
...wrong. It mostly goes south.
And that's the appeal.
7 Ports of Call
Athens (Piraeus), Greece
Kusadasi, Turkey
Patmos, Greece
Jerusalem (Ashdod), Israel
Tel-Aviv (Haifa), Israel
Limassol, Cyprus
Santorini, Greece
Athens (Piraeus), Greece
...Jerusalem.
I can bathe in history for a day, thankee.
Fees on that one? About $500. Plus, y'know, airfare. Eight hundred dollars at the low end, $1250 on the high. Book now for stronger savings.
I can't transfer or sell the certificate. (One of the reasons I put up the picture and links was so everyone could see the terms and conditions.)
I would be traveling alone. Can't split the fees with anyone else.
It's high-risk. I was trying to research for the latest dates possible in hope that hey, maybe covid will be under control. Anyone want to figure the odds on that?
If I don't book by June 29th, the money I spent to go pick this thing up is wasted, but -- that's sunk cost fallacy all over. I rolled the dice. They're technically still in motion, but I have a pretty good idea for how they're going to land.
So why talk about this at all?
Because...
...I'm honestly not even sure.
Because -- my wanderlust is so high, and has been for a long time? I don't really have mad money to play with this month (and what I did have went towards comedy: possible #deadstreaming viewing on Saturday), and I'm not going anywhere in May. But I want to drive up to Canada and give them all of their pennies back. Possibly by throwing the coins at the border. They have it coming.
Because... I don't know if I want people to talk me into this, or talk me out of it? I know I wanted to hear from anyone with cruise experience. Tales about how things go, and what can go wrong. I still do: feel free to post in the comments.
Publicizing the EFNW goal? I could have done that at any time. However, I've been joke-spamming my Ko-Fi link in the Discord once per day through the 30th of June. It's a running gag. Comes with self-targeted pie in the face.
(There's actually an upcoming convention a lot closer to me, May 13th through the 15th in Ocean City, Maryland. I won't be going -- no mad money, and it's Seattle or nothing: I can't take tips away from a dedicated goal -- but if you're in range, you might want to check it out. It's certainly closer for some of us. And possibly drier.)
Warning people to be very careful about any "free" cruise offer they might receive? Definitely. The fees are most of it. Paying for anything which isn't strictly within the basics adds a multiplier in a hurry.
But sometimes I just need to vent a little. Because I have a "free" cruise, and I can't pay for it.
Ooo-e, baby. Ooo-e.
Also, just to demonstrate how my luck actually works: on the way home from picking up the certificate? I damaged a gas station.
Decoupled the feed hose.
...it's in the Discord server. I'm still amazed that I didn't manage to punch a nozzle-shaped hole into the car's intake.
Apparently Estee was a few places behind me in line for a panel at the Last Bronycon. Scampy may have had a killer Wallflower Blush cosplay at last year's EFNW, but Estee has her beat when it comes to the most important part.
In any case, the cruise does sound like a monumentally bad idea to me... but I've never felt wanderlust to the degree you've described. Here's hoping the stars (and Ko-Fi contributions) align for Bellevue.
At least a little way of going anywhere is Google Earht, Streetview etc.. ridealong a train video etc?
Best thing Ive found to counteract wanderlust though, is dont use a credit card or anything that lets you pay without it having to be physically torn from your hands. You have no reason to believe it, or the debt, exists otherwise?
I’ve never been on a cruise before, but it just sounds like a really fucking bad idea to me when we’re still in the middle of (even if corporate media wants to pretend we’re not) a pandemic that’s still killing a thousand Americans every day.
With your bad luck, you’ll end up on a plague ship in a long, drawn-out quarantine because some horrifying new variant has appeared on said ship.
Then again, I don’t know what it’s like to have wanderlust, don’t know what it feels like to just need to go somewhere. So what do I know?
If you want to go somewhere just somewhere. Why not take a train trip? It’s cheep and usually has good view.
https://www.rockymountaineer.com/promotions/2022-final-call?gclid=Cj0KCQjwyMiTBhDKARIsAAJ-9VuPysXCAMTG61md3UmAl95RysGU2alOt4nqQTHssxJqKitlB5pOmTwaAotHEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
5655435
Inability to get off the train. At least cruise ships give you a day at each port.
5655427
With the added bonus that it's the Middle East. With Estee's luck, they'll kick off any of several possible wars.
5655384
Back in the 1980s I had a job at a self service gas station. At that time, Oregon had a law against self service. I was at the gas pumps doing ICR what. They pulled the nozzle out to see if the pump was running. It was. They totally hosed me down from head to toe.
How I Learned That Gasoline Can Give You Chemical Burns
My boss wasn't happy about the way I explained that you shouldn't do that. Also wouldn't let me go home to change. Did let me go to the restroom to try & get the gas out of my clothes.
These days, gas pumps have the safety feature that they won't pump if the nozzle isn't sealed to the car.
5655436
Not necessarily true. It raises the cost but there are train vacation packages where you can do site seeing and tours and stuff.
www.amtrakvacations.com
https://www.vacationsbyrail.com
I've been on a cruise (a free one, coincidentally), and to be honest its not too great. Its like being stuck in a slightly-above-average hotel.
Its neat if you have interesting ports to visit, but youre probably better off grabbing a buddy and going for a road trip. Especially if you're not averse to sleeping in a tent/car/hostel.
Also, I've lurked around the website, and it seems that while the taxes & other booking stuff must be paid in advance, you can pay gratuity as you go, so if you really want it, maybe that helps? Those are like half of costs of the "free" cruise.
Also, also, since gratuity is kinda discretionary, you could ask them to waive it. It's unlikely, but not impossible.
5655446 Gasoline kills wasps on contact. We used to put about an inch of gas in the bottom of a tin can and *sploosh* it on a paper wasp nest. You had to knock it off the wall afterward and stomp it to crush the wasp larvae, and most likely hit the spot again in a week or so to nail the wasps that were out wandering about when their home got blasted, but dead dead dead wasps.
5655485 In effect, a cruise ship is a hotel that moves from interesting place to interesting place. The place is full of people who are most likely vaccinated, boosted, already been through this (raises hand, all three) so even if you dance through the place in a swimsuit all the time, your chance of catching something *other* than Covid is still fairly low, probably lower than a non-floating hotel. After all, I caught a cold at EFNW last year and spent the day-after-the-Con when I was planning on going out and touristing, sitting in my hotel room looking out the window and typing. On the plus side, Super Trampoline came over and kept me company, so win.
Went on an Alaskan cruise a few years ago for our 25th anniversary. Missed EFNW by a week. But it was fantastic. Alaska is just amazing and beautiful. We loved being on the ship even without going to the bar or casino. And while I won't call it cheap, when I compare what we got to a decent hotel and meals for a week there really wasn't much difference. Can't wait to take another, tho not until the plague calms down. Saw a few weeks ago that the ship we were on (Ruby Princess) had a huge covid outbreak recently.
Tho I will upgrade to a balcony cabin next time. If we do get caught in a quarantine I at least want to be able to step out for some fresh air - the inside cabin we had was ok but a bit claustrophobic!
I've been on cruises (parents with weird priorities for their kids and enough money to make em happen). The good ones aren't free. The novelty of being on a boat wears off pretty quickly. If you're gonna go somewhere, spend your money to be there, not be on a boat floating to and from there.
I'm going on the Norwegian Cruise out of Seattle to Alaska in mid-August. The certificate says inside, but if it is just you does that count for a solo cabin otherwise they double charge for a single person in a regular cabin. Only certain ships have solo cabins. I've done the solo cabins several times, they are nice but quite small. I fly out from PHL if it helps.
It's too bad they don't have an alternate prize, but that's probably because casinos gunna casino. Most other prizes that include trips will usually have a cash value you can take instead, dang.
Sorry to hear it though, Estee. Keep hanging in there. Worst comes to worse you can always start your new gasoline hose collection and wave them around like the ocean, right?
5655578
I've been on that cruise - Norwegian from Seattle to Alaska. (Parents in law invited all the kids and paid for the cruise tickets). Alaska was great, the cruise less so. We always ate at the included buffet and avoided all their annoying attempts to sell us things, and would not repeat the experience in future. Especially not now during the pandemic! The skillfully folded towel animals in our cabin each day were fun though, and the Philipino cabin crew even had a free demonstation where they showed us how they made them.
5656488
I've cruised on both Carnival and Norwegian and enjoyed Norwegian a lot more. The not having to dress up for dinners, the come when your hungry dinner times instead of the set seating times Carnival had. I was just on a Caribbean cruise in December. Pre-boarding Covid testing for all people and the ship was less than half capcity.
5656529
Good point, Norwegian is definitely better than Carnival! I don't regret going, but I wouldn't spend my own money on either.