Inappropriate Interlude, ft. Chipmunks (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 9) · 5:35pm Apr 28th, 2021
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
How can I best explain how little happened in so many, many words?
And now:
Before we begin, I have some news.
Last chapter, I became aware that I was approaching the copy limit on the ebook (that I purchased) for Empress Theresa. Now, while I personally advocate for broader definitions of fair use and transformative works, I also don't want to get sued. So, I've come to the conclusion that the best thing I could do (short of forcing everyone to buy the book) is to majorly cut down on the quotations. Expect a lot more summarizing from now on.
Anyway, on to the shitshow.
We begin the chapter with Theresa's methods for trying to train HAL. Which, as it turns out, was what the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE folder was about (yes, all caps); communicating with non-verbal aliens using math. Which is not a new concept, there's a reason the Voyager record has a bunch of basic mathematical definitions on it, and if you've ever read or seen Sagan's Contact... yeah. Interesting stuff.
Theresa's methods, however, have nothing to do with math. They include:
- Sliding a coin between two glasses and seeing if HAL responds
- Throwing a coin at a can with her eyes closed and seeing if HAL will auto-aim for her
- Dropping a coin into a can, with the same idea
- Spinning a ruler tied to a thread to see if HAL spins it for her.
These are interesting in their own way, just not a mathematical one. Which really makes you wonder what the point of the folder even was.
Meanwhile, Steve has been going through their mail. They're millionaires, now. Y'know, you could mail that out as cheques to survivors of—wait, no, wrong book. Had a little flashback, there. Excuse me.
Theresa briefly bemoans the fact that they'll never be able to work regular jobs. Trust me, sister—you ain't missing much.
While Theresa continues with her work, Steve goes and buys a bunch of physics textbooks, under the idea that that's going to be important. Because reasons. Theresa the narrator then follows him, even though she shouldn't have knowledge of what's transpiring. I don't know if this is a mistake or if she gains omniscience by the end of the book. We'll have to see.
While he's out, someone asks him why Theresa won't appear on television. Steve answers: "People wouldn't like her. She's too perfect."
This then goes into the same routine we've seen a number of times of the media trying to besmirch Theresa's character for some reason. Which includes interviewing Father Donoughty, who has, among many, many other things, this to say:
"Let's hear athiests explain a miracle like Theresa!
And, like... maybe I'm reading too much into this? But this kinda feels to me like it's supposed to be an actual, real-life dig at atheism, to which I can only say... dude. This is fiction. How perfect she is or isn't is entirely up to your own discretion, Mr. Boutin. Theresa doesn't actually exist.
I hope.
Anyway, it's not like she can't be explained? By completely mundane reasoning? If a basically good-natured person is a miracle now, then I weep for the human race.
So... yeah. Moving on.
It's now ten days after Theresa arrived at the estate; she has made no progress. Once again, the narrator follows Steve, despite Theresa not being there for these events. Steve has a chat with the Prime Minister, explaining what Theresa's doing. It contains nothing of consequence. Moving on.
Oh, and they receive a pinup poster of Theresa in the mail. That's a thing. That happens. I can't show you it happening, you'll just have to believe... me...
I could claim the book ends right now.
I could totally do it.
No one would ever know.
Except I already said we weren't close to the end. There goes that plan. I guess I have no choice to continue, huh?
Anyway...
Jump ahead to three weeks since arrival, Theresa has yet to make any progress. Crops are starting to die without rainfall all over the planet. The end of the world has begun.
Theresa decides to visit Paris.
They do this in secret, using all the resources of the British military, because could you BELIEVE the scandal if they got found out?
I mean, why would anyone want to go to France, anyway?
Regardless, they make it to Paris and go out in disguise. And also they refer to l'Arc de Triomphe as 'the Arch of Triumph' and the Champs-Élysées as the 'Champs-Elysees' without the accents, which I'm sure will infuriate any Parisians in the audience. I'd say that was a good thing, but it annoys me, too. They then have a look around the Louvre, where they have the absolute gall to describe the Mona Lisa as 'not impressive'. Typical American philistines.
Their tour of Paris continues with Notre Dame, which they are also unimpressed with, calling it a 'pile of stone'. Well, I think we finally found another of Theresa's flaws; she has terrible taste in art and architecture. Similarly, they poo-poo the Eiffel Tower.
Look: France is a beautiful country, and holds a wealth of art, architecture, delicious food, and rich historical landmarks. It is absolutely worth visiting.
It's just a shame about all the French people.
Speaking of, they go out at night and the streets are packed. But they can't find a nightclub, so they wonder what the point is. They go to a fancy restaurant, but don't get served, on account of being dressed like Americans. Which isn't much of a surprise; you wouldn't get into a fancy restaurant here if you were wearing t-shirts and jeans. They, of course, are offended.
God I hate this book. This is it. This is the point I go from disliking it to hating it. It made me defend France. Gooooooood.
Anyway, they decide to go to Ireland next. They don't visit any tourist sites (no dolmen visits here, sorry), and instead get to try out Irish Dance. It's all very stereotypical.
We only spend a few paragraphs there, though, before it's back to England with them.
Oh, and they stopped hiding who they were. Meaning the entire world knows that while the crops were dying, Theresa went on vacation.
Whoops.
It's okay, though, no one seems to care.
Oh, and there was a remark about Theresa wanting chipmunks, which aren't native to Britain. So they got a big enclosure full of chipmunks for her.
Again: actual thing, actually happened.
And that's the end of the chapter! Short one today. I hope this new format is okay. Let me know.
Until next time, folks.
So who wants to be the one to write the most cursed crossover fic ever?
Also this format is significantly less painful to read because I don't feel the need to attempt to read those excerpts. So there's that, I suppose.
Oh, by 'copy limit', they literally mean 'the number of times you can copy-paste text from this'? I wondered what precisely you meant. :B
Y'know, "Champs-Elysees" I can understand. Americans don't get keyboards with fancy "add accent" keys on them. But "Arc of Triumph"? Come the fuck on.
haha :D
re: the format, just separate out the paragraphs with whitespace, could you? :B It'll make it more readable. Goes a lot faster now though! And I think we got a solid example of how bad the writing is, so you don't have to sweat it.
5508811
Copy limit appears to be percentage based. I'm guessing around 10-20% of the book, based on what I've seen.
Duly noted on the paragraphs. I wish Fimfic let you set it client-side, like it does with stories. Oh well, it's easy to fix.
5508811
The Compose key is truly a wonderful thing. As is Unicode character input. #LinuxMasterRace