how many people are crying right now without anyone hearing them · 8:21pm Dec 19th, 2020
just a mental image that makes me want to end it all, as usual
six days until christmas, we haven't done our shopping yet
we used to go to our mom's place for the holidays. we would see our sister and the cats and exchange presents and have a lot of a hard time breathing around our mom's second-hand smoke and the musty trailer full of cats and dust.
we would always get nice presents, but as we grew up, it became harder and harder to know what to get for people.
usually people did not get us what we wanted, because what we wanted was too complicated/expensive.
it really bugs us that there is no efficient means to suicide available to us. swallowing a bottle of tylenol would hurt our stomach a lot and we don't think that's fair. you should be able to push a button and decide not to wake up anymore.
is all sadness just self pity? does anyone 'feel bad' for anyone else? when people look at us, and our shitty life, and our shitty decisions, do they say stuff in their heads like "no wonder darf doesn't have a family", or "yeah i'd be glad to be rid of them too", or "yeah i can't wait until they die."
what kind of emotions do you have inside when you learn someone you hated is dead?
i would like to give everyone that feeling. it would probably help them feel better.
whatever.
Dying is very easy...dying comfortably its not and I think it makes sense since your body really wants to live and why not? everyone dies and many do, especially right now with pandemic and shit. So why not live? life can always be shitty and our actions are always dumb in retrospect, but that doesn't mean they are any less important, especially if you learn how not to do things and once you realise that your experiences are unique, for better o for worse.
Life is complicated and wierd but what matters is how you look at it and give it meaning you can really find hope, fun and excitment if you are willing to look with all your being not just wishing to...it's hard, it's complicated and it's worth it, but only you can make it so and it's not imposible just like with everything worthwhile it takes time and effort but it's worth it...you are worth it even to a random dude in the internet that reads your fics.
p.s: what my family and friends do in terms with presents is to make a secret santa game and anyone can post what they would like to get, nothing too expensive of course, it may defeat some of the pourpose of presents but what the hell it's practical and works like a charm.
I do, for what it's worth. Feel that is. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to give those unheard people a voice.
I get it man, holidays are tough. Especially with all that's going on. Just know that nothing lasts forever. Even bad feelings/thoughts go away eventually. Just think of things that'll make you happy. Sorry, if this sounds cliche but not everyone deserves to die. Life will get better, keep ypur chin up.
'when people look at us, and our shitty life, and our shitty decisions, do they say stuff in their heads like "no wonder darf doesn't have a family", or "yeah i'd be glad to be rid of them too", or "yeah i can't wait until they die."'
No. That's the depression talking. Believing that others would be better off without you is a symptom of depression. I realize it's not news to you that you are depressed, but I want you to be able to separate the depression-speak from reality.
Your reminiscence about the cigarette smoke reminds me of the New Year's when I was a kid and I got sick in the car going home because my body couldn't take any more of my aunt's cigarette smoke and by the time I got out of the house it was too late for the fresh air to help before I got nauseous. I actually have a nostalgic reaction to the smell of my aunt's cigarette brand smoke, because I loved her and those gatherings, although cigarette smoke always has made and always will make me sick.
Yes, people do feel bad for others. Some people are incapable of empathy of course, but others are distraught at the suffering of someone they barely know at the other end of the globe. As Feech stated, those dark musings are the depression talking, and it's very hard to keep them apart from rational thought. I've been there.
I know you've had bad experiences with therapy in the past, darf, but it's the only way I know out of that pit. Please keep trying. If you hit a snag or get saddled with a jerk, try again. This is insanely hard when you can barely drag yourself out of bed, yet giving up is even worse. I kept myself going out of spite back in the day. Not the nicest motivator but it worked, at least enough to get some help. You have a lot to be bitter about, I suspect, and if you manage to push that anger outwards and ride it, it can barrel through fear and take you places (just don't go overboard and hurt anyone).
Most people don't hate you, and those who do don't matter.
You should seek help for your mood as soon as possible. You don't need to suffer like this.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
There's nothing I can say with text that can adequately convey my thoughts here, but I will make an attempt.
Thank you for everything you do here, philosophy and porn alike. You are a very skilled writer, able to convey emotion and provoke thought on the same level as Regidar, and that, needless to say, is impressive. I am grateful that you spend time here on this site and place so many lenses over your brainlight to reveal different words for us.
Living is very hard, and it is also uniquely hard because we are all unique creatures. I don't know much of your particular unique creatureness, but what I can see through the foggy glass of so many lenses is a creature that I respect. You add good to my world, and, I'd wager, the worlds of others.
Not all sadness is self pity; most of it is empathy, I think, if you get down to it. Please connect deeply and meaningfully to others when you can, and please know you are valuable to many regardless of what you feel you really are or deserve.