Destruction · 10:44pm Oct 27th, 2020
[If it is okay, and you can... I am really sorry for asking. It would mean a lot for me if you read at least a bit of this long blog.]
Hello. I've been quiet for so long again. I hoped it all might just be fixed soon.
You know this feeling, when... when you want to write, to say something, to talk, and... and you imagine it, and it all starts to... sound. Somehow... it all fits, you can say it... it's pure creation that mirrors your feelings. But now, right now... I feel nothing, you know. I don't know what to write. Just on point...? I will probably have to...
I've talked, a while back, about a person I've been fighting to keep so deerately... I think it's two blogs ago. I've talked how it was, and... and then in the comments it all unveiled, and... so much more later...
It is now October 27th, 2020. Yesterday, three months have passed since it had begun, in the middle of the summer, on July 26th. Since July 26th, excluding the first week-or-so, I've been fighting. I've been fighting every day to keep her, because I imagine no world where she isn't. Because I can't imagine living without her, and I need her more than I'd ever have though I would and likely more than she realises...
These three months have been a horror. The amount of tears I've shed is undescribable, and in time, I learned to categorize the types of crying, and learned to distinguish sympthms; distinguish harbingers, inevitably carrying the tears with them. I learned what feeling means what and I learned that no matter what I do, I can't stop this reaction.
Most would tell me that it should feel it all subside, slowly, but surely, subside and give was to calmness and a clearer mind. It never did, and with every passing day, except those few when I felt a new hope, it was getting worse, and worse, and worse...
But I've been fighting.... I messaged people, talked with them, tried to come up with plan after plan, and still continue to do so to this day. I messaged and plan, I talked, I.... I tried, sincerely tried, to do everything I can, everyhting at all... and though surely nit all options have been exhausted, I feel the universe turnining more and more again me every passing day, every hour, every minute of every single week time graces us with.
So much of what I tried failed in a way which was nigh-impossible at all... every time, an attempt would be made in the worst possible day, on a month-scale, several-month-scale even. Every time, the tiniest thing would fail, the most secure, in a way so exquisite, unpredictable and elaborate only a force very much conscious could come up with and carry out.
And so I say to this force, whether it is a god, the universe, something uncalled or nothing at all: I am sorry. I am sorry for not understanding, but my trust is not with you.
This force exists not. It may, but if it does, its fingers played no part here. It is but a metaphor, but clear enough to treat it literally if it serves to make it simpler and clearer.
These last months have not just been hard, they have been a torture. A torture going on all around the clock, more or less painful, with any moments of respite few and far between, barely noticeable in the grand scheme of things, barely diverging from the usual when considered from the perspective of time.
I learned to sleep when overwhelming tears approach. To try to fall asleep, as it can prevent them.
I learned to be careful and talk everything over times a thousand, but not give in to laziness and forced procrastination just for the sake of brief calmness of mind unless advised so by others, and yet it caought up with me anyway at times, though in my mind, mostly few and mostly insignificatnt
I learned a lot and yet nothing is helping. I know not what to do and yet I cannot give up and I jever will, the reason, I believe, not needed to explain...
Through all this time there have been people, some for longer, some for shorter. People who talked with me and supported me and helped me all they could and carried me through, and continue to do so, and I know they still will. People - seven people - who have constituted everyone for me; every single soul I could turn to.
Some of them may not know it, and if you read it, that means you will soon...
Four times over these three months I've nearly committed suicide. Four times was I on the edge and I feel like sometimes it is coming back to me with all its force, thoughts not just filling but overflowing my mind.
Three of that amazing seven grabbed me then and pulled me back. Three. Three people, one twice, saved my life, and here remained.
I don't know for how much longer they can. I thought that crisis averted, but I fear it coming back to me with a geowing force, as it had already been once, present with me every evening, rarely though growing that substantially...
For those who have arrive here I say: at present, I am a destroyed person. Without the ability to think and consider, without a clear mind and serious mental problems which cloud my vision and judgement; on the horizon, there is nothing.
It's getting deeper and deeper every passing day and the events all around, sometimes unrelated, have plunged me deeper than I'd ever think I could be like this...
So low, there is no light, and even if it was, no ladders reach into this abyss. To bring me out, one would need magic.
One person, just one in the world, has it. But it's so out of reach...
Today, a news came that devastated me completely. I don't know what is what anymore, I hardly know a thing, other than the fact that I have and will still try and fight, despite how utterly pointless it might be.
I told the others, most of them, as of now... some remain, but I will in the coming hours.
Everyone nods their heads and lends their ears. I don't know if they have hope. I don't know if I do.
But I will fight. I will, as by doing so I create a chance, a single crack in that wall she put up, that shatters the certainty of no chance remaining to pueces; at least, it allows me to think like so... but I hope it does as well.
I can't give uo and I won't give up, I won't, and that is my final decision. Stupid, reckless, destroying for me... I know it may be and likely is, but it is my decision nonetheless, made by a person maybe not exactly lucid, about someone who I can't live without in the world...
Say what you will, from a distance, one might read this blog, skim through the paragraphs, in the meantime smiling smugly and shaking their head, thinking deep inside, or not so deep at all, how deluded and inexperienced this person here might be, thinking of such a thing as if of a tragedy and shedding tears over what seems like but a frail grain. Smirk at a person sharing their feelings and what they have thought on this here site.
To all you, I say: I am sorry. I am sorry you've been through what in comparison with this is, for you, true hardship. Or perhaps, I am sorry for my poor explanation, relaying not a thing correctly. Finally, I am for myself, who really feels what he feels, even though you have no proof that I'm saying the truth, and you can't have; not really... but I do, I seriously do, and it's something that I feel won't change for a long time....
I... I regret to say it a lot.... I regret to say it, and I've been avoiding it for as long as I could hope for... hope for a resolution within near sight, for something to work out... truly, really work out... I hoped I could renew work, I wanted to, but...
I can't any longer... not really... or at least, I feel like I shouldn't.
Of Starships and Golden Armors is being officially put on hiatus... nit can elled not scrapped, but on hiatus. For how long, I cannot say, but please note that one chapter coming, right now, may not mean the end of the hiatus... not yet, at least...
I'm so deeply sorry, tomorrow, I'll try to say more in a following blog, posted together with the status itself being switched...
If anyone is here, read it all the way through... please comment... please say something. Please. I rarely ask for things, and I really completely understand if you don't want to now as well; it is no duty of any of you, after all.
But... I just ask. I don't know what... please. Just... something... please. If... if it is okay...
I'm so sorry for all the typos, which inevitably plague the text above... really...
I did read the words that spoke to me. They told me of myself in a way.
I am grateful to not be alone in this feeling of mine and yours.
I understand and hope things get better for you bud. 👍
I don't know much about who you've lost and why, and what you're really dealing with, but you can talk to me if you want. You're clearly having a hard time, I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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Thank you both... thank you that you are here.... in general, you know...? I tried to be an amateur author, writing stories that were nice to write, and - hopefully - okay to read... and honestly, I really don't think they're good, you know... but it had been warming to see, that... that someone actually seems to enjoy them, at least to some degree... and thank you both that you are here now as well... thanks...
I'm so sorry for replying so late, and probably in such an awkward and incoherent way... really... I've really been feeling like I can't write recently.... I don't know.
I hope that, at least for you, it really gets better soon, BleuBlooms... I really hope it does...
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I'm sorry... I didn't want to make it hard for you...
I!m replying so late here.... just... so much had happened, back and forth, once again... and it just... I'm so sorry...
You've been helping so much, Sapphire... thank you for it all so much. I... I'm glad you're still here, and will be... I'm sorry that it's so short and so awkward... writing often feels so weird recently, and I feel so fatigued now... again....
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You don't know how much I thank you... could... I still do that, in case...? I'm sorry for not replying for a while... so much has happened over that time... I'm scared and so confused... It's just... it's just so hard to think and function, you know... and sometimes write too... I'm really sorry...
Thanks... for being here... it really means a lot for me, even if I may not be able to express it kre properly...
I'm so sorry if this is awkward or weird... could I... still talk sometime...? I don' know how or when, but... would t still be okay sometimes...? Just in case, even...
It's so late niw, I hope the fatigue didn't make this even less coherent... sorry if it did...
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Sure, feel free. But I do kind of have my hands full recently, so not as much as time available to me as usual. Lotta stuff going on, especially here in America.
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Of course, I understand.
Thanks.... for it, though... really. I probably will write soon... something... I don't know... we'll see, I guess.
Thanks...