Emotional Vacuum · 10:46pm March 31st
WARNING:
Pointless sulking incoming. You probably don't want to read through this if you don't feel like going through some weird personal thoughts of a random internet gal. You have been warned.
You know, I used to be an optimist in life; it just served me well. Allowed a fragile Devona to avoid slipping into depression and anxiety, but... it's not an attitude easily maintained, at least not for me.
You know, a downside of trying to take care of everyone important in your life is that you constantly get subjected to every possible woe in the world, to the point where, after a certin point, they all start to seem - unrightfully, to be sure - irrelevant and exaggerated. You either succumb to depression or stop caring altogether; for me, it was a mix of both these things, but still probably mostly the latter.
I see everyone dealing with possibly life-threatening stuff on a daily basis, and I suppose it's just too much for someone like me. It's not that I don't want to care; my mind simply stops giving a crap about anything. Yes, I keep extending a helping hand and acting upon a "pre-programmed" behaviour as if I was a machine, and I will continue to do so, but it's not really emotionally investing for me anymore. I shut myself off, completely so. It's a defense mechanism, really.
Once upon a time I used to be naive and thought I could help anyone. I cringe thinking about those times, honestly. Now I just don't feel anything - no anger, no compassion, no hate, no determination.
So... I suppose I came here to say that this little arc in my life seems over; it lasted a few years, but I don't know if it can continue further. I give up. I give up trying to make the world better. We need idealists on this Earth, yes, but I'm not cut out to be one of them. Currently, I feel like a weird empty shell of a person who barely exists at all. That cannot continue.
I'll try posting blogs more frequently from now on, but I can't guarantee anything. I'll see how stuff goes.
-Lilia
I think it's healthy sometimes to take a break and think about things you enjoy doing/ that make you happy. While it's good to help other people it's also important to take care of yourself.
gotta put on your oxygen mask before helping out others
While I do agree that it's good to help others, it's still just as important to take care of yourself, Lilia. Everyone needs a break every now and then, to put a pause on what they love and enjoy doing/makes them happy, because as someone once told me, 'Too much of a good thing can be very bad for you'.
It's why I've been taking frequent breaks from some of my stories and other projects, and why I've been putting a halt to my late night work/writing sessions, because it hasn't been healthy for me to work on the stuff I love, when it's draining me. I've been recently running on coffee and sheer will, completely forgetting about eating sometimes.
Sometimes in order to be an idealist, you gotta step back and ask yourself if it's worth wearing yourself out too thin to do something good for yourself, or for those around you.
I don't know if these words will help, but I can only hope they do. I care about your well-being, my friend, I hope you're well at this moment.
I know how it feels to try and help people, but no matter how hard you try it just not enough or good enough. I understand you need some time for yourself. I hope you do well and I will be here when you post again.
5774458
That's true, it is... and it's something I should probably remember. It's just difficult to convince myself to stop focusing so much helping others at all, you know? Even if, logically speaking, I know I should do so for my own good, even if just for a while.
5774485
Yeah... otherwise I won't really be able to help anyone else anymore, will I? Well, I'm going to try to kind of... focus on myself for the coming weeks, I think, as you guys have advised.
5774612
I... thank you, Alien. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all that out for me, like seriously.
I think I primarily need to break out of this constant cycle of routine, you know? One that makes everything seem like a regular and irrelevant occurence. For starters, I'll probably pause my current FimFic story for a while and instead start writing short scenes about stuff that fascinates me, not even to be published. Other than that, I might have to restrain myself from jumping at every opportunity to emotionally assist a few people for a while, just to let myself heal a bit...
5774704
Yeah, it's... hard, trying so hard and not seeing any results. In time, you just become accustomed to people's problems and start subconsciously seeing them as just a natural part of life - which, to be fair, they are, but it doesn't mean they aren't serious issues that need real attention.
I just don't want to completely lose that spark of sympathy, you know...? But you're right, as the others here have been... I should take a small break. I'll still try to post blogs more often than I have been recently, but it may not be quite as frequent as I had hoped it would be, haha.
5775435 I understand. Sending good vibes your way.
Dev you just discovered the life lesson I did 4 years ago when the world fell apart during Covid. It is SO HARD to care anymore and I found that while it is the same exact situation for different people, the effort it takes to try and help them often is more than you have to give. Have I done that a couple times in the past few years? Yes, with varying degrees of success. But It's like idk 10 people? Over 4 years? Whereas it used to be easily a couple hundred?
What you went through was litterally my entire existence when I was growing up since I was like 5! I managed nearly an entire DECADE living this way and it nearly destroyed me, so don't feel too bad about shutting down after a few years. Honestly, it's a wonder you made it this long. This is why when I returned to this website like last year and began to be more active again I was a completely different person because I realized I can't help everyone if I don't help myself along the way.
My motto used to be "I can help everyone but myself." SCREW THAT! If I can put that much time and effort into litterally everyone else I can put that into myself. Since I've done that, I'm in a MUCH better place mentally and socially. I've been able to make healthy connections with other people that aren't just me being a onesided therapist or emotional support buddy with no returns! Like I have actual friends who like me for me and we talk about stupid things that have absolutely nothing to do with our problems! It's great!
Point is, this is just a new beginning for your. Yes it will feel weird and unsatisfying for a bit but once you get into the new groove you'll find things become a lot easier. Life may not get easier but handling it will.
5775537
That's a really nice way of putting it. I love it.
You know, I've been attending therapy for a while now and the doctor has in fact told me multiple times that focusing on healing myself is fully okay and very much should be done. It's just... until recently, I think my subconsciousness just sort of refused to accept it; I felt like prioritising the needs of others over my own is an undisputable example of selflessness, a virtue.
But now I know I just kept misinterpreting it all. Yes, helping others in need is a virtue, but not at the cost of your own wellbeing. Taking care of yourself is just as important, and we need to recognise that while others are indeed living people worthy of being helped, we are ones too, and so in no way are we less deserving of it than they are.