Medicated · 8:56pm Dec 30th, 2018
Okay so something rather large happened since my last post. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and answered a few questions honestly and they scheduled me with a followup appointment at a mental health clinic because I displayed numerous signs of passive suicidal ideation, i.e. I wasn't planning to actually kill myself but I had suicidal thoughts on the daily and had actually developed a plan for doing it if I ever mentally crossed that line into being actively suicidal. They didn't think I was in immediate danger because every time I think about the aftermath of such a thing all I can see is my mom clutching at my father after he had just died as she sobbed hysterically, and I don't want to do that to her. I went to the appointment and they put me on fluoxetine, which I've been taking for a couple months now and... wow, this is new. I still worry, I still feel bad sometimes, and not every day is sunshine and rainbows but now it's like I have this new ability to make it stop when it starts happening, and overall I feel more stable and am sleeping better. I'm not spending the day relentlessly hating myself and wishing I were dead anymore. I had a second appointment at the clinic, but I rescheduled it for this February because going would have meant missing the last Christmas party they'll ever have at my place of work. I'm also now on omeprazole to help with stomach issues so that's another constant source of physical pain dealt with for the moment. Feeling better than I have in a long, long time.
So yeah still working on that project. It's going to be a three part short story to test the waters on a bigger project planned for after I finish Reunion, which I damn well still intend to finish. Part of me thinks that I was actually afraid of finishing Reunion because when it was done that was one less thing to live for, but now I feel like I don't need the crutch. So hopefully I will have something to post in January for you all, and I hope you'll enjoy it.
Glad to hear you got help. Take your time with your stories. We will be here waiting.
Glad to hear you're doing so much better! I take omeprazole too. :)
Good luck. Take all the time you need.