Dan Vs. Food(Earth) · 3:23am Aug 13th, 2018
When he arrived on Equestria, Dan was treated like a total stranger by most ponies, a mysterious and possibly dangerous entity from another world. They regarded him with extreme caution at first and were slow to accept him. Meaning he was treated better than he'd ever been treated before in his life. Since becoming captain of the Sparkle Guard and Twilight's chief security enforcer, he commands even more respect. Now, after braving danger so many times, ponies in Ponyville adore and admire him as a hero, secretly respecting him more than the mayor and even the princesses.
The pegasi are especially loyal to Dan, after saving and showing the Enclave ponies mercy. The statue of him rescuing a pegasus from a storm, pulling a pegasus out of a hurricane, was symbolic of him redeeming the pegasi who had attacked Ponyville. It is unknown if the ponies or even the pegasi themselves understand this symbolism. Regardless, they are fiercely loyal to Dan; Cloudsdale was the first to fully-implement Dan's structural upgrades.
On Earth, three years ago, Dan was poor(or at least working class) and lived in Hollywood, California in an apartment with his cat, Mr. Mumbles. He lived mostly on whatever he could find with whatever money he could scrape together, bumming meals from Chris and Elise when he could. He could afford some luxuries, but this involved saving money wherever he could. Here are some of his favorite regular meals from Earth:
1. Vending Machine Pop-Tarts. Dan considers himself a vending machine connoisseur and has trained himself on the various makes and models, knowing where to precisely hit them in case they fail to dislodge his chosen item. The Pop-Tarts from the vending machine at his apartment complex are a favorite breakfast and 'brunch' item for him, often eating one and saving the other for later.
Shortly before coming to Equestria, Dan would assault the vending machine at his apartment complex because of a problem with its digital interface. After repeatedly writing complaints in to the management, he finally took matters into his own hands and destroyed it with a baseball bat. A security camera would catch him and cause his eviction from the apartment, setting into motion the events that would lead him to Equestria. It is likely the Director and/or Vice Grip were responsible for the vending machine and the security camera, as the two are metaphors for Vice and Cleo.
2. Hobo fruit: fruit carried, distributed and sold by California's intrepid homeless and vagrant population. Hobo fruit comes in many varieties but mostly tropical fruits and those like oranges, tangerines, bananas, pineapples and other fruits that "come in their own wrapper" for safety and sanitation. The exact location of hobo fruit varies but tends to grow in backyards, around buildings and in overgrown properties where nature is less cared after.
Hobo fruit is usually gathered early by hobos themselves and then placed in netted or grocery bags to be sold at street corners or in the middle of a gawddamn intersection. At times, more than one hobo will work at the same corner or intersection, creating a hobo partnership or "hobohold," in which they may or may not pool their resources and share profits. If two hobos arrive at the same intersection with the same fruit, one of them must leave or a hobo duel is declared in which the hobos remove their pants and shoes and attempt to beat each other into submission. The fruit is too valuable to be used as a weapon and is left on the corner or median until a winner is declared. The victor of a hobo duel usually allows the loser to keep their items, but forces them to choose another intersection or street corner.
Dan often buys hobo fruit from his local hobos, believing in the importance of supporting local hobo business and not major hobo corporations like Hobo Mart or Circle-H. A good source of vitamin-C and other nutrients, hobo fruit is at times random in both variety and quality. Dan is usually lucky and doesn't come across much diseased or parasite-infested fruit, because he is sure to examine and thoroughly clean any fruit he buys, especially from hobos. Hobo haggling and his scrutiny of hobo products has been known to cause traffic problems, but Dan's shrewd buying tactics demand respect.
3. Gas station chili-cheese dogs. Dan promised Mr. Mumbles when she moved in with him that he would do his best to make sure they ate out at least once a week. Often times, that meant eating out at their favorite local gas station and indulging in delicious gas station hot dogs smothered in gas station cheese and gas station chili, with choice of additional gas station toppings at no extra charge. When purchased with chips and a drink, it becomes a 0.4-star dining experience, one first experienced while eating and a second time during the inevitable gas station indigestion, often accompanied and/or followed by gas station diarrhea.
Thawed and then recooked on a classic hot dog roller, the gas station hot dog has all the benefits of reaching a lukewarm temperature while it rotates in its own grease. The rollers, buns, condiments and accessories relating to gas station hot dogs are often unaccompanied or only partly attended to by a distracted and apathetic clerk, allowing Dan and other frequenters to fully exploit the hot dog bar and take advantage of all the free toppings. Chili and cheese are usually an addition reserved for gas station nachos, but some places allow them on hot dogs and most of the others don't give a shit.
Dan often loads up his hot dog with relish, onions, peppers and anything else he can put on it, ensuring a balanced meal and that he won't be able to taste the actual crappy meat itself. Mr. Mumbles licks hers in an adorable fashion until it somehow disappears.
Dan also has his own recipe for a special gas station chili, which he calls "Dan's super free chili," made by taking a soda cup and filling it with the nacho chili and adding other peppers and condiments, sometimes including bits of hot dog. It has been known to cause intestinal problems 100% of the time and has resulted in Dan being banned from eleven different convenience stores. He still frequents them, however, because most of the clerks don't care or he wears a disguise.
4. Gas station nachos. Cheesy, hot and beefy if chili is added to them, gas station nachos are about the safest thing you can eat at a gas station. The chili and cheese are often isolated and contained separately, heated thoroughly and kept in dispensers where they are not exposed like the hot dogs. This makes them less vulnerable to bugs and germs, unless the hygiene at the gas station in question is exceptionally poor, which it often is. The nachos themselves usually are kept sealed and are of the same quality found in both restaurants and fast food joints- it's hard to screw up tortilla chips. That doesn't stop some places from doing that, however, so as with all gas station products, you are taking a risk by buying.
Dan often buys a plate of nachos and shares them with Mr. Mumbles along with an iced slush drink(Icee, slushie, slurpee, etc.) and sometimes, there is a deal when buying them together. Chris also joined Dan for gas station trips, though Elise would berate him for actually eating anything. He almost always did anyway, though and would pay for it later at home- both from his wife and while on the toilet.
5. Self-Serve Sundaes- sundaes or ice cream treats where customers can help themselves. Dan does just that when the opportunity arises, taking entire fistfuls of candy toppings and stuffing his pockets with them. He will often buy only the smallest ice cream available and add ten times the amount of toppings, creating a desert wonder that rivals treats in Ponyville. He also usually throws out the ice cream, unless it is lactose free, because of his lactose-intolerance.
Some places offer self-serve frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, which you would think Dan would hate, but he doesn't. The frozen treat itself is not the target and the ice cream is, regardless of its possible non-diary origins. Dan has also been known to sometimes eat the ice cream and frozen yogurt anyway, which is how he discovered he was lactose-intolerant in the first place.
6. Supermarket Sample Smorgasbord. When a supermarket or other store offers free samples, Dan takes full advantage of them. He will often employ disguises and enlist Chris to take as many free samples as he can, going so far as to call Chris or drag him and Elise to the place. "Free Sample Day" is a recognized holiday in Ponyville but on Earth, it is only really observed by Dan. If known in advance, Dan will mark his calendar with the location of the market offering the sample. He will sometimes stock up for days from a single store.
7. Burgerphile. A fast-food chain owned and operated by the illustrious Mr. Jeremiah Burger, the chain opened in 1955 in San Garry's Mod, California as Burgerrapist, which was a portmanteau of burger and therapist. It was later re-branded as Burgerphile and quickly destroyed most fast food competitors by using semi-legal food preparation and cooking processes, as well as legally-questionable products.
Despite suffering a stroke likely due to his poor diet, Jeremiah Burger went on to marry Hortence, Dan's Earth-based love interest. After the events of Dan Vs., Dan often claimed he and Hortence would be together once Mr. Burger kicked it, which he thought would be soon due to aforementioned diet. However, this turned out not to be the case, as breakthroughs in medical science afforded by his wealth would allow Mr. Burger to maintain his health and prolong his worthless life for years. Mr. Burger did however cut down on cheese on his burgers, a drop in the bucket but an effect Dan's actions indirectly had on him.
Jeremiah and Hortence would go onto adopt three obese children; two from third-world countries and one from a third-world part of Ohio(Dayton). Mr. Burger intended his children to carry on his legacy and open franchises in their countries of origin(and Ohio). They ultimately wouldn't, instead devoting their lives to humanitarian interests because of Hortence's influence, and Mr. Burger would disown them. Two of them became U.S ambassadors and the one from Ohio currently leads an extensive outreach program to help the impoverished people of Dayton, Ohio.
Despite a troubled history and having worked there briefly, Dan bears no ongoing grudge against Burgerphile beyond what he normally holds. He still eats there but also protests, more often when there is a change in the menu he doesn't like. According to Chris, Burgerphile makes up 75% of Dan's diet, but according to Dan, "Shut up, Chris."
The closest thing to Burgerphile in Equestria is Hayburger, which specializes in grilled forms of Equestrian hay which happens to be rich in nutrients on par with that of lean ground beef. Fluttershy was the first pony to offer Dan food he could actually eat, being a burger from hayburger. More of that will be expounded upon in the twelve-episode Season Zero of Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship.
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