Final Journey Hearth's Warming Preview - Soul of Siren · 5:35pm Jun 19th, 2018
What, why is this up now, well I know I told you all that I would post this on Wednesday, but I decided to post it today since a friend of mine that wanted to see this will be too busy tomorrow so thank Nyx for this early posting. This scene has been the one I wanted to show off the most for the longest time. The scene still stretches up to 3k so enjoy as this is my biggest preview yet.
Now the scene itself takes place around the midpoint in the story. While visiting the Earth Pony Conglomerate the group finds themselves under attack by the vicious mother of the high changelings, Nyan Nocturnal. In the process, an attack hit the spot where Twilight and Cold are at. The scene picks up after the attack.
******
Cold and Twilight were facing each other as the background swirled around them. The background was nothing but blurs. They were mere inches from each other. Both were frozen in shock each for their own reason, but both's silence was deafening to each other as much as the blood pour out around them.
Twilight stared at Cold for at long as she could before her sight darkened. Her vision was filling with more red by the second, yet her sight never left him, his wound far bigger than her's. Cold didn't move fast enough to stop the attack. Both had been hit, yet Cold had suffered more because he didn’t hesitate to save her. He didn’t hesitate. He saved her...
As everything went black Twilight's mind raced so fast over memories and thoughts; things from the past and beyond: She saw images of Starlight hanging out with Silver Pear; him attempting to wuw her and Starlight not having it, Granny Apple cleaning her gun while watching crowds of ponies walk by, Rex training at his hardest; Clover keeping close by him, Starswirl looking at his notes and experimenting with new spells, the three fillies having a little bit of fun before the darkness of night arrived; Fredricson drinking some cider while watching them almost like they were his own children; Lay Cat patronizing his drinking habits.
Finally, her memories fell on Cold and confusion filled her head. There was seemingly nothing in her memories that would give him such actions of protecting her like he did. She knew from Rex of Cold steadfast loyalty to Blood Diamond. It was so strong that he nearly died once before trying to complete his mission while he and she were trapped by Aitym. Yet in that same memory, he went out of his way to give up his cape so she wouldn't freeze to death in that trap.
Another memory flashed by. This was the memory of the explosion. Cold had told her not to go out there. Maybe he knew of the attack from the beginning?... But yet when the explosion went off... he jumped in the way... He shielded me with his own body.
"But I trust you." The words Cold had spoken before the attack returned, now as clear as today.
Why? Her mind questioned. What could have I done to earn your trust?!?! Her mind argued the words away. Things went silent as they vanished. It was a somber silence yet it was also a painful silence. There was no more memories, no more thoughts, everything had gone black, as black as the night. Yet deep within this blackness, there was the faint image of maroon liquid. It was flowing like a river, inching ever closer to her with each passing second.
The closer the river got the quicker the silence faded. Replacing the emptiness was three words being repeated over and over.
Trust, Fake, Friendship.
Trust, Fake, Friendship.
Trust, Fake, Friendship.
Trust, Fake, Friendship.
Trust, Fake, Friendship.
Trust, Fake, Friendship.
“Damn it!” her scream final woke her. She rushed around and felt something holding her down. On pure reaction, she pushed forward with more strength, yet the pull was getting stronger. Finally, the sounds of drops broke her from her shock. She looked at the source and saw that a IV was making the noise. It was hooked up to Cold. Beside it was a blood pack... with maroon liquid inside it. The sight of the maroon liquid made her body jump again.
"Don't be in such a rush." At those words she finally noticed the golden light over her. "You will break the connection."
Twilight looked at her body and saw tubes hooked up to her arm. "What's going on?"
"Sorry, we didn't have any dark plasma on standby. So we had to transfusion your." Golden Williams walked closer as he apologized.
"Dark what?!" Twilight calmed and looked to where the tubes were going.
Golden Williams placed his hand over the tubes and traced them over to the blood pack that had the maroon liquid that had been feeding into Cold. "Dark Plasma is blood affected by the overuse of dark magic." He looked back at her and smiled, "I'm surprised nopony has ever told you about this."
"Well, I only know about the family connection. I never knew it alters your biology."
"Not all of it at first. Though blood is the first signs of overuse." Golden Williams picked up a knife and cut his finger open. "The more you use it the more your blood changes in color. Maroon for darkness, Indigo for light." He showed that his blood was a semi indigo color before resealing the wound with magic. "I don't even use that much light magic, Blood Diamond's is a much darker indigo color." He walked back to Cold and placed his hand over his head. "Such things like this make blood loss quite the hazard since it's near to impossible to know how much of and which form of magic a pony uses."
"Then how did you know?"
"Pure luck. I knew you used dark magic like Cold, but I didn't know what level of mutation you were at." He retracted his hand from Cold's head.
Twilight raised an eyebrow and laid back down. "I had no idea he used dark magic. I thought his ancestors were of the light magic line."
"While yes the few sirens that have more than sound magic on their side are light magic users, Cold is a much more rare case. I and my brother are not exactly sure how a siren would have so much dark magic and almost never use it."
Twilight listen closely to the words . So much so that she didn't notice that her sight had fallen on Cold. The words blurred as her sight wander over Cold's body. Still not catching herself she looked closely at the wound that was being stitched by magic. It was easily twice as big as her wound and went from his shoulder to his hip. Despite it’s size she could see old wounds around it. They reminded her of her old wounds. "Tell me, how he can trust Blood Diamond?"
"--What?" Golden Williams stopped his rambling. "Because... Hmm, I'm not sure. I guess it comes down to when Blood Diamond found him."
"What happened? Where?"
"It happened a time ago. Back when Rex was still loyal to Blood Diamond as well." Golden Williams took a seat before continuing. "It began while I, Blood Diamond and Rex were on patrol in the far west. We were searching up reports of attacks happening to a few jackalopes in the western villages on the outskirts of the Earth Pony Conglomerate. At the last village we check, we found the attacker.”
******
The sounds of mud splashing echoed with each step through the empty ruins of another village. The mud was thick this time and the smell of blood was very fresh.
Blood Diamond held his nose upward. There was no confusion at all this time, they were very close. It had taken them three weeks to find the source of the attack. His fist tightened their grip. “We will find it today.”
“I certainly hope so.” Golden Williams took a heavy breath and wiped the sweat off his head. “Right Rex.” He turned to the one in back.
“Of course. My lord.” Rex kept his distance but followed as best as he could.
Rex actually looked a bit younger back then or should be said less experienced. Plus he had yet to earn his chains. The alicorn brothers, on the other hand, had changed very little between the past and the present, though one could argue Golden Williams seemed more tired, after all he was never the traveling type.
Their travels had taken so long because they couldn't use long distant teleports. The attacker seemed to be able to sense such large uses of magic. At the same time though they had to be careful not to be noticed by mortal ponies as this would bring about suspicion about this attacker’s possible motives. All they knew was the attacker had been killing large portions of the jackalope population and this posed a threat to the food source of certain species and possible war threats with the alicorns since the jackalopes lived in the lands under their watch.
Now that they had gotten to the village though, they were sure the attacker was here. The three continued their movement through the mud with a quick yet quiet pase. Scans of the village were no longer needed if the stink was really blood. In time the attacker would show up.
They made their way to a tower. The tower was old but seemed to be more intact compared to the rest of the village. Inside it was very dusty but it would work for the plan. Blood Diamond and Rex made their way to the top while Golden Williams took to the sky.
Once there Rex took a lookout position. He reached his hand out of the opening and the shadow of his arm shook. At the same time Golden Williams stretched his wings outward above them and caught the Sun’s light in his grip. Reflecting the light downward over the village with magic shown forth plenty of shadows. Once ready the shadow of Rex’s arm stretched outward down the tower and deep into the village doing as little as possible to step outside of the range of shadows that Golden Williams had created.
“Make sure your shadows don't get spotted, we don't know how bright this creature is.” Blood Diamond pulled out a long crystal bar from his sleeve.
“What are we looking for again?” Golden Williams raised a strange small crystal to his mouth
“Reports are unknown. Just some rogue creature feasting on jackalopes and occasionally sentient beings like small ponies.” Blood Diamond rolled his eyes at his brother’s words. "Just mortal creatures so far."
“Could it be a rogue wendigo?” Golden Williams purposed. "This isn't far from their feasting grounds."
“Unsure, though the attack are similar to the--”
“Wait,” Rex interrupted him. “I think I spot it.”
“Let us see.” Blood Diamond held up the long crystal bar and stabbed into Rex’s shadow.
Rex tensed as some small pain shot through his body. “Okay, you are connected.”
Blood Diamond closed his eyes and tightened his grip over the top of the long crystal bar as it gave a faint glow. Deep in his mind, an image formed. It showed a bit more ruins. These ones at first didn’t seem so different from the ones around them. However, a closer look revealed blood and a lot of it.
“Perfect sight as always.”
“Alright, but where?” Golden Williams questioned. “I can’t see much from up here.”
“Thirty meters to the north.” Rex stopped and took a breath.
“Yes, but we also need direct sight. We need to know what this thing even is.”
“I’ll try.” Rex’s shadow grew larger and a bigger image formed in the connection.
Despite blood suddenly spattering on the image yet things quickly became clearer. Bodies of Jackalopes were shredded across a stained red platform. In the center was...
******
"So Rex spotted the attacker." Twilight finally noticed that her sight had never left Cold during the entire story. She quickly turned away and regretted herself.
"Indeed, and it was truly terrifying.” He stopped for a moment and looked back to Cold.
“What?” She questioned with greater distress.
“A scaly monster that knew no such end to hunger or the kind of words of mercy. Only to devour and thrive. Feast and survive." He got up from his chair and walked the edge of Cold's bed just as the stitching got finished.
Twilight's breath dropped. "What? What kind of creature could that be?"
Golden Williams gripped the bed’s rim tightly. “We went to go check it out. But..."
“Something happened that changed everything.” Cold interrupted Golden Williams as his eyes opened. He gave little sight to Twilight as he sat up and looked at his cape.
Twilight looked up at him with a blank stare. The words made no sense to her. She raised her hand over and tried to reach him. But Cold was now seemed to be distancing himself from her. She wanted to know more, but Cold’s tone had given no sign of continuation. In fact, it gave a feeling of rage.
"I’m sorry.” Twilight retracted her hand. “I was just a little curious about something. Maybe I shouldn't have asked at all.”
“Since you seem so curious can I ask a question in exchange.”
“In exchange for what?”
Cold took a deep breath and finally faced her. “He’s right, I can't trust anypony. That's what you said while you were out cold." He fully turned around on the bed to her side and faced her directly. “I want to know why you said this and then I will tell you the rest of my story.”
Twilight was in utter confusion for the only moment that felt like an eternity. However once that moment ended her eye went wide. “What? When did I say that?”
“As I said while you were getting your own wound sealed up.” Cold got up from his bed and reached out to Twilight. He placed his hand on her wound and she jumped back on pure instinct. He withdrew his hand to his own wound. “I jumped in front the of the attack and your first thought was his words.”
“I’m sorry. It just happened.” Twilight urged forward. “And…” Twilight stopped and closed her eye. “And besides it’s true. I can’t trust anypony in this world.” She pulled back and dropped her face to the ground.
“I know that you aren’t from this world. Or should it be said this time?” Cold sat down and his eyes fell on the vanishing light of Golden Williams as he left the room. Once they were alone he faced her again and reached his hand out, this time it wasn’t to her wound but her hand. It was soft to the touch, he expected differently from how often fought so bravely. “You don’t think you can trust anypony here, but you are wrong. There is your father Rex, your friends and even your allies like the alicorns… and so...” He stopped and waited for her to answer back. However, she was now completely silent. He tried to pull his hand away…
Twilight’s gripped stopped him. She pulled his hand closer. “You said something too.” She lifted up her head. “Before we were hit. You said… you trust me.”
Cold gave a calming small smile. “Yes, I do. I trust you'll do what is takes to get your missions done, very much the same way Blood Diamond did that day when he stopped m... ” He stopped as he felt her grip loosen. He pulled his hand away and called forth his cape. “But I would also like to trust you with this… truth.” He placed the cape in her hands.
She wrapped her fingers through it. Memories of the trap they were stuck in a few months ago flood through her head. The cape was just as soft as she remembered. However, something was different. Looking at it now she could see details that she couldn’t see before. There was wear and tear from overuse, giving an age that vastly older than it appeared. But there was something else, a newness to that made no sense. The outside was rougher and stronger then she realized. The more she touched the more she realized other things like a thick fur and pale white tone... and finally the ethereal nature of the stitching.
Her eye widened and her grip tightened on it. “This… this is...”
“This was a gift that was given to me by the titan of death Saturn.” Cold placed his hand over the part she was gripping.
“But wait…” Twilight trembled at his words as words of another being she knew had made a deal with the titan poured over her thoughts. “He only gives gifts to ponies who complete utter atrocities.”
Cold gripped her hand tightly and looked deep into her sight. “Indeed, the scaly monster was..." His words hesitated constantly, "I… I killed...” His face dropped. “I ripped apart...”
Twilight was at a complete loss of words. How could the stallion before her once be so brutal? She wanted to ask more but stopped her voice before she could question. In the end, she simply pulled the tubes from her arm and stood up. She reached to Cold and pulled him up. “You don’t need to say anymore.” She gripped his hands tightly as her horn glowed.
Before Cold could ask why she stopped him a flash of purple magic shined on them both. Their armor was back on. He tried to open his mouth and again was stopped as his cape floated over to his back.
“I’m sorry, I said those words,” Twilight spoke up slightly louder then she wanted to as she reached up and hooked his cape back on with her hands rather than magic. “I’m sorry I ask--” She was stopped as he reached took her hand in his. This time it wasn’t a tight grip it was softer. He pulled her hand away from the cape and brought it over to his other hand. Twilight at the same time brought her other hand over before she could even realize it. Both their hands were wrapped around each other.
“You don’t need to be sorry.” Cold stepped a little closer. “Actually I'm the one who should be sorry.” Twilight found herself moving forward at his words.
A buzzing sound stopped them. Cold and Twilight looked at the speaker hanging at the entrance.
“Cold and Twilight get over here. I think we have something you will want to see.” It was Starswirl’s voice. He sounded really cheerful.
Once the message was over Twilight and Cold’s sight fell on their hands. Their faces went slightly pale at the sight the fingers intertwined. The two quickly pulled away and turned their heads away from each other. Moments later they walked to the entrance.
******
After they left the rain outside started to pick up speed. It acted very strangely as it went at a more faster rate with each second. It pounded on the ground with great force getting harder and harder; colder and colder.
However, the noise went silent upon the landing of an icy blue wendigo with a deer skull mask in a cobalt cloak cover in stitches on the side of the ship. “Oh that was quite the story, I was practically on the edge of my seat.”
His pale white hand reached out and a small tornado of ice swarmed around his hand. The ice unified into a small figure that looked exactly like him. He raised his other hand up and broke the glass in front of him. He dropped the small figure inside as it grew in size. “It's like I always say.” On that, the icy blue wendigo disappeared in a puff of red snowflakes as the rain finally turned to icy shards. "Everyone has a monster deep inside."
wow. very good.
Thank you. I'm glad you like it.
Well done!
4885826
I'm glad you enjoyed it. This was certainly a bit harder to get done. Even then I think I could tweak this a bit more. Do you think this is a good starting point for their relationship?
Also, what did you think fo the small cameo to Indigo Frost at the end?
4885843
Well, if they thought that was their last battle and they had feelings for each other before that, then yes, definitely. In my experience, relationships typically start under two conditions; 1. when things are quiet enough each side can see the qualities in each other that attracted them together, and 2. if they thought they were going to lose each other forever.
I apologize that I haven't kept up with the series as of late, so I am a little lost as to what's been going on as to comment as to whether it should have happened before this.
I may be out of touch, but the cameo did what I think you were aiming for...it surprised me and is something to look forward to!
So, good job. Keep on writing. You are doing great and I'm proud of how far you've come, my friend!
Nyx
4885911
Yes, I indeed have noticed this too much. People seem very hesitant to leave any comment at all whether it be a full on comment about certain scenes or even just a little bit of honest words on their reaction. It really annoys me to no end to write something and not know at all if it's any good or any bad. Especially when I doubt my work constantly. For short while, while writing this story, I was losing motivation to write anything since hardly anypony seems to give any care unless I outright asked them for some feedback. It's not like I only want certain kinds of feedback. heck if it was a comment that flat out butchered my story then at least it would be something to tell me. At least then I would know what is right and what is wrong.
That's kind of the point I wanted to betray. Indigo Frost plays sort of the same role as Naraku did in Inuyasha the only difference being his motivations are far from hidden. He makes it very clear from the beginning to anyone he meets that everyone deep down is a monster, that no one being is purely good.
If you are curious about Indigo Frost's motivations I do have another scene that I've shown to a very few others that perfectly outlines the character and what he has planned. I could send it through PM like I did the last one, you can read it and tell me whether I have a stable villain. Unlike my other ones this scene is very displaced from the rest of the story that I could almost post it as a stand-alone one-shot so it requires none of the previous knowledge, I have and haven't given you.
4885946
Actually that sounds perfect for my busy schedule right now. Go ahead and send it along.
I know what you mean and I've learned some things about this in my time here on FIMFiction.
In my experience, the larger number of followers one has, the greater the chance they will get at least a couple of comments on a story. That seems like a no-brainer observation, but it's one that is good to remember when we check every day for feedback from somepony - anypony.
Another thing that sways whether people comment - and this is a big one, Gryphon, is whether they have a strong enough reaction to the story or part of it, to comment. In other words, they have to love or hate something enough to get off their plots to give feedback. This is natural in practically anything and everything humans do on and off the internet, so don't take it personally in a way that frustrates you - use it as the feedback it in truth is - that you need to step up your game still in order to motivate people to react.
Something that changes this last rule is very effective and is what I call then, "gift that keeps on giving" and that is having personal interaction and relationships with your readers. I never hear from many of my followers, BUT the ones that comment on a regular or semi-regular basis are the ones that I keep in contact with or have just chatted with in one way or another. We both have about the same number of followers - you have 107 and I have 118 so we are about even in that regard, but if you want more comments, reach out to some people who have commented in the past and talk to them one-on-one. PM them, Skype or reach them on Discord - whatever they use for regular communication and just chat. Say Hi, don't fish for comments, just get on their radar as to the fact that you want to be social and care that they exist as individuals. That's what helps me get so much feedback on my stories. And a few of those regulars of mine even have their own busy periods of life that come and go, so always respect that and find another one of your followers you haven't contacted in the meantime to just drop by their profile and say Hi and comment on their blogs and/or stories.
It works. Guaranteed.
Nyx
Very nice. I can't wait to read more.
4886223
I'm glad you enjoyed it. You can read more in July.
4885983
Sorry, it took me so long to answer back, it turns out I got busy Wednesday as well. Anyway, I'll send it over it a second once I find the scene again, I've seemed to have lost track of it.
As for the rest of your comment.
Yeah, sort of my weakness there. I want to go say hi and make more friends on here, but my automatic reaction is to ask them for help first. I guess it comes from the fact I love to learn more then anything and I am always curious if I'm doing something right or wrong first before the curiosities about other people. I don't want to call myself selfish... but damn my curiosity on my own mistakes is much stronger then anything.
Then why are you making a point of it?
Thoughts should be written in italics without the quote marks.
The bit here about Twilight fainting wasn't that clear. It confused me more then pulling me in. It also felt like you where just telling a lot of things (I didn't actually work out what was going on until the point below).
I'm not pointing out typos or spelling mistakes, but UV? Is that supposed to mean something or is it a typo?
Oh! They're in hospital! That wasn't clear at all.
Said no one ever... "Rushful" isn't even a word. Something cliché like "Take it easy," would work better.
Yes, we know that he's urging her to calm down from what he said. No need to tell us. If anything, show us him trying to do it.
Twilight seems remarkably awake and aware of her surroundings fro someone who just woke up from a blood-loss endued coma.
Is he supposed to talk so awkwardly?
Don't tell us he apologised. We know he did.
This is almost good, but do you need to keep using his full name? Golden would be fine. Oh, and as a suggestion for you to contemplate:
I'm guessing he's not a certified doctor...
Closer? That isn't the right word.
She didn't notice that she was looking at someone to notice all the stuff in the rest of this paragraph?
You still have a lot of really awkwardly worded sentences. This is an example of them. I recommend reading out loud and think of other ways you can word sentences and paragraphs.
Could be:
Or just:
More words does not equal better words.
Good.
Next paragraph is also good. In fact, it's good right until this:
1) Telling. 2) It kind of takes you out of the scene. But... I'm not really sure if this is actually "bad".
Sorry I can't do more, but my time is really limited at the moment. I'll continue as soon as I can.
Anyway, you've definitely improved. But you still suffer from some awkward sentence structure and your descriptions are a bit unclear at times. But great work.
4895447
Well the first two points seem easy enough to fix. As for
Curse you spellcheck. serious the spell told me several times that I was wrong and yet refused to give me the proper word I was looking. In the end, I gave up and hope somepony else would just tell me how to spell that damn word.
I originally wanted to describe the background, but every time I did it drew too far from the importance of the liquid. Hmm, I guess I could try something else?
And my cursed weakness to the show don't tell. I can only hope one day to be fully free of this. Until I can't only keep trying not to fall in.
Yes, Twilight was hit with a good size wound, but the shock from was suppose to be the reason she loses consciousness. The tubes are more for Cold since he suffered the loss of so much blood.
No... Golden Williams was stating that Cold has the worse wounds. Hmm, maybe I should of reworded that.
The same reason why I will always use Rainbow Dash instead of Dash or Rainbow, and Applejack instead of AJ. Outside of dialogues, I prefer to use their proper names. Golden Williams is his proper name. Though if there is any confusion Williams is not a family name like the Apples and Pears. his full name is Golden Williams Titanium Bravery Moray Cadenza, since he is royalty it's kind of a given for the full name to be long and even the proper name to be long. Plus he's married to Cadance's ancestor so there is that too.
No, he is not. That was kind an extra of the point of that scene. But he is the only alicorn who cared to learn any forms of healing magic. Since alicorns are practically immortal and have slow self-healing achieved through deep sleeps they really don't need to learn such things when it comes to healing their own kind. Due to this knowledge of alicorn biology is actually quite scares among normal doctors. Golden Williams was really the only being currently that could fix up Twilight before gang green kicked in. Twilight is an exception to the alicorns since she wasn't born an alicorn and doesn't have the self-healing perks.
The rest of the points you bring up are a good help.
My greatest weakness it seems. No matter how many times I read a sentence even aloud, it never sounds awkward to me at all. I know something is wrong yet I can't figure what in the slightest from speaking it out. The only time I ever notice the mistake is when someone rips the sentence apart shows me... well the gutted remains of it. This is why I go ask for help in any way, because sometimes I really can't progress without an outsider point of view.
I thank you for the help you gave me.
I'll be waiting. I'm sorry if this is costing you so much time. Truthfully the part I'm worried about the most is what remains. Twilight's reaction to the story and her reaction to Cold after knowing everything is kind of the biggest part of this scene. It's meant to be a starting point for a possible relationship and I always seem to rush through those. I want to make this work perfectly as the relationship will also be the backbone of my story.
4895447
I'll be updating this with the changes you mentioned by the end of the day. If you have any more advice on this current version make them when you can or finish on the newer version tomorrow or later. Really get to it when you have time. The link will stay the same so you won't lose track of it.
Nice story so far, seems very cool. :)
4897664
Cool. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Journey To Hearth's Warming first chapters with be going up July 18th.
not bad at all nice work.
4922945
Yeah, the story this scene is taken from has already been posted. Haven't gotten to the scene yet, but working my way there.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/406700/journey-to-hearths-warming
Currently, have two chapters and prologue up. Give it a read when you have a chance, if you enjoyed this you will certainly enjoy that.