Hey, the first part is done! · 2:51pm Apr 24th, 2018
Hey, gang! I've completed the first "part" of the new, copyright-friendly What I've Become! Now, this is only the first draft, sort of a proof of concept, to see how well the idea carries when it's not being held up by MLP.
This is in nowise the finished product, and I know that there are a lot of things that I've missed, or that I need to expound upon, or that I need to give better characterizations or description for certain events, people and places, but I would like a little bit of feedback before I continue with this work.
It's a huge chunk of the story, completely covering and expanding upon the first six chapters of What I've Become. You'll know the chapters I'm talking about. It's where the ponies chase Alex around, and he wakes up in his cave, shocked at the kindness they've shown him.
Like I said before, it's not exactly finished, it really being more of a first draft, or proof of concept. I hope you guys enjoy it, however, and that you'll give me a lot of suggestions to chew on. In the meantime, I'm going to go ahead and get back to work on the next chapter of What I Am. See you there!
So the ponies become beige bird Aliens to avoid copyright? Any art because I'm getting a weird bird pony hybrid in my head. Really like it so far though but I hope this doesn't mean that the existing pony version isn't going to be continued because I love this series and appreciate the hard work you have put in.
I took a quick look at it, and got through chapter 1. I think it has a lot of promise, but I also think there are a few fundamental things to consider, unfortunately, I only got far enough to really comment on one: The race of the native species.
As I commented in the story itself, I can't take the described species seriously. It just comes across as comical, which makes it weird when Alex (I'm assuming you're keeping the same name) takes them as a serious threat.
On the same topic, and I am fully aware that I am overthinking things here, but birds are very dexterous with their feet. It strikes me as odd that an avian species would sacrifice wing utility to develop digits on their wings when they have feet which are perfectly capable of performing any manipulation they would need as they evolve.
How will this version address the plotline about ponies being the inspiration for Greek mythology?
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In much the same way you might see ponies as a threat. They look rediculous and cute, and have giant eyes and so on.
I prettymuch visualize them as griffins atm because without pictures my ability to visualize anything art wise is negative.
Pretty awesome. Nightmare mechanics here are interesting, and if 'real' books with the kind of technology magic hybridization existed, i probably would have never gotten into mlp fanfic in the first place...
4846732 4846667 As I said, this is still in the first draft. I haven't quite completed everything yet. As for fear, Alex has been watching the town of Jov for a while, and he's seen some crap that's put him off. Of course I haven't shown it yet, because I'm not finished yet.
As for evolving hands on their wings, instead of just using their feet, that would leave them with only one manipulater at a time, while the other has to be used for footing and balance. Think of them less as straight birds, but closer to bird/bat hybrids.
4846668 A lot of things are unfortunately going to be cut and are never going to make it to the final version. With my mlp version, much of what I was doing was seeing what worked, and what didn't, and just letting my ideas flow. With the final version, certain plotlines and characters are going to be cut entirely. For example, Carrot Top has been removed entirely, and Twilight Sparkle's character has been combined with Written Script. I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do with the greeks and the mirror thing, but it's most likely not going to make it past the chopping block.
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That's good to know. Given that everyone seems to have a different mental image of this species, I think some artwork would be worthwhile.
I just personally hope it ends up more like:
https://sinistereternity.deviantart.com/art/PC-Youya-Chengshi-305689864
And less like:
https://goo.gl/images/p35Gdm
4846971 Yeah, they don't look anything like the second picture. The first is closer, but still not quite there.
After reading through the whole thing, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I see that you're adding different elements from the MLP version (e.g. beak magic, real nightmares, lore/history), and that's cool, and if you haven't already, I would suggest fully developing them (e.g. knowing the limits of the magic), as well as the consequences thereof. For example, if they can fly, would they still live in towns with Ponyville-like houses? Also, what kind of technology would they have developed with their magic and their anatomy? Additionally, based on this first part, the side plots of this story would probably deviate quite a bit from the MLP version, and even though the main plot would still be more or less the same, the changes will definitely alter some aspects of it, like the stuff about Greek mythology someone else mentioned, and the extra lore about the nightmares in the non-MLP version having some consequence, I assume. What I'm getting at is that you shouldn't just have this be a copy of the MLP version, with birds instead of ponies, but rather approach it as a new story with a new world you're building, and reevaluate each detail to see if it would still fit in this new setting. Based on that first part, it seems like you're already keeping this in mind, but I'm stressing it because I would hate to see the story not reach its full potential.
I'm sorry I can't give you more specific advice, since we don't know your plans with it (e.g. specific plot points and how much do you want the non-MLP version to deviate from the MLP version?).
Also, imo the dakri are fine, though it would be nice to have an accurate reference picture as well as more detailed descriptions.
4847175 Thank you for taking a look at it, and letting me know what you think. It means a lot to me.
As for how the story will play out, I am very aware that a lot of the plot points are going to have to change, or will have to be removed entirely. The Greek tie in for example, as well as the changelings, are both most likely going to not make it past the chopping block.
And as I mentioned in the blog, I am aware that the descriptions of the characters, and the dakri race as a whole, is not on point. Quite a few places are really vague, mainly because I didn't quite have a solid vision for them, yet. I'm probably going to physically sit down with a pencil and paper and go over a few iterations before I finally have their physical appearance nailed down. If you guys want, I'll even post some of the concept art once I have a clear vision. No, I'm not a fantastic artist, but what I eventually will come up with should help you guys visualize it as well.
I’ve read it so far. I like the re-imagining so far. I’m actually considering some fan art for this. I’ll send you a PM with the link to get your opinion on the initial sketches if you’d like? Either way, I look forward to the finished product.
that blasted tree strikes again.
its fascinating comparing the pony version to the new version. there some parts that are so familiar, yet feel so alien at the same time.
i'd like to see a picture of the Dakri(?) sometime, for some reason i keep imagining them as a 3D version of the Avian race from starbound.
i also enjoyed the touch with beaks being a sort of focus for magic instead of horns.
Awesome. Can’t wait to see more.
Purple smart is still purple.
It's was a very good start, to begin with, and the additions certainly look at some peoples complaints about a lack of setup for conflict.
Of note
-The power level seems massively increased in general if Aeon means the same thing here
-The lack of connection to MLP lore mostly only affects the humanization/alienation parts.
-Some basic worldbuilding parts probably should be indicated earlier/better
-For instance, when the captain throws the lightstone into the cave, just removing the "like a comic book character" makes the statement a little awkward. That statement comes from defying a common horror scene, so giving a medium is a good place to show a minimum tech level for information.
-The rank/importance of Kel'vara seems super up in the air. She is a 'battle'mage and attached to the unit, of some importance given they want her as a trump card, and of a higher military rank given how she overrides orders. But Valros acts like she's a civilian and is basically insubordinate after, putting into question her skill and rank, because even if she's not the ranking officer when your expert goes off like that, worry should probably be a bigger emotion than frustration at being blocked by them. It feels like something is being set up, but without a normal for either character, it's impossible to tell what. Mentioning her relation to the unit more specifically, even just calling her Lady when they talk about her being their backup would help.
4851871 I'm already fixing everything you've brought up here, but in a separate document (aka the master document). As for Kel'vara's thing, it is setting up something. To be exact, she does outrank them. However, the dakri have a military tradition steeped in past mistakes. It simply states: "A squire who survived battle with an aeon outranks a captain who hasn't." It's a little bit on the unofficial side, but even though Kel'vara outranks Valros, she's still an apprentice, while he has actual combat experience. She outranks him, yes, but he has the experience to not only call her out when he thinks she's made a stupid decision, but to also take operational command if he deems it necessary.
Generally, their military tries to promote people based on their experience and capability, but sometimes a few circumstances fall by the wayside. It's why this tradition exists.