Story Notes: Derpy Accidentally A Portal Gun VI: My Little Amethyst · 3:55am Apr 1st, 2018
Pre-read by ROBCakeran53, who knows a few things about finding ponies in boxes.
This story is the end of an era.
Way back when I was a new writer on FimFic, Poultron made an April Fool's blog post saying that after April 1, there would be no more human in Equestria stories allowed.
I used the opportunity to write the first Derpy Accidentally a Portal Gun. I figured if it wasn't a joke, I might as well go out with a bang.
Over time, the stories wound up focusing more on Sparkler and her access to a large number of weapons that unicorns quite honestly shouldn't have. After all, guns aren't canon. 
There was a sort-of hiatus in the series, when I wrote The 2016 Presidential Campaign Goes to Equestria, but even that had Derpy portalizing some poor bastard. That one guy from Ohio. Kaisch or whatever his name was.
Since I'd already jumped the shark back in the third installment (Derpy Intentionally A Portal Gun), I figured it was about time to put this ridiculous FimFiction tradition of mine to bed once and for all.
But I also figured I ought to go out with a bang.
ROBCakeran53 and I were hanging out a the bar and discussing, among other things, this fic, and he suggested that I ought to do a My Little Dashie/Home Alone crossover.
So I did, and here it is.
The reasons for Flint's decline are complex, but the simplest cause is that they had one main industry—Buicks. [Incidentally, they also made trucks at the Truck and Bus division. In fact, several of my GM trucks are Flint-made, and my Suburban even has a sticker on the door that says “Built Flint Tough.” Take that, Ford.]
When the Buick plants started closing down, it lead to massive unemployment. Something like 80,000 jobs were lost in the greater Flint area, and anybody who could afford to got out of town.
Various unsuccessful attempts were made to bring back some industry, but none of it was particularly successful.
During the 90s and possibly early 2000s, Flint was known for being the murder capital of the US.
More recently, the city infamously managed to poison their own water supply.
I've never lived in Flint, but I've lived near Flint, and I can't say that I'd recommend it. Although I'd bet housing is cheap there.
Crapo Street is real. It's near Mott Community College.
The name Frederick was suggested by a co-worker. While he doesn't know the full extent of the story, he does know that Frederick has a unicorn as a roommate, and he knows that said unicorn has a shotgun.
Some people think that ponies are baby horses. They're not. Totally different animals, as this picture will prove:
Aprilvis or April Fish is an April Fool's tradition in some parts of Europe, and the part of Canada that thinks it's France. These days, you try to attach a paper fish to your victim. I'd imagine back in the old days, it was an actual fish.
Genoise, baumkuchen, dacquoise, tiramisu, babka, lamington, sachertorte, spekkoek, pavlova, buccellato, kransekake, kladdkaka, prinzregententorte, punschkrapfen, croquembouche, parkin, ruske kape, and bienenstich are all kinds of cakes.
Dakimakura are those body pillow things that often (or perhaps always) have some character printed on them. They'd probably be comfortable for a pony to sit on, too.
Yu Ayasaki is a Japanese anime character of some sort. I only know of her from her skin in Mario Maker. She's kind of annoying in that game, although it's kind of cute when she sings along with the victory music at the end of a level.
It's canon that Sparkler has trouble with peanut butter. We were talking about that at the bar, and I also mentioned a YouTube video I'd seen where Twilight had a glass stuck over her horn.
So we decided that all unicorns have some kind of kryponite that prevents their casting. For Sparkler, it's peanut butter. She can't affect it with her magic, and if you stick a jar of it over her horn, she can't cast spells.
For other ponies it could be other things. I think some unicorns wouldn't even know what it was, not until they encountered it.
If you want to steal this bit of headcanon, have at it. 
An Ouija board is a cardboard alphabet that you move a planchette (a pointer) over and the 'spirits' communicate with you and spell stuff out. I suspect that they're slightly less reliable than Magic 8 balls, although I'm sure that there are some people who swear by them.
Loose Lips Sink Ships was a WWII reference to the idea that there were enemy agents skulking around everywhere waiting to report ship movements back to the Nazis. I don't know how true that was, or if any ships were sunk as a direct result of somebody telling somebody else that there was going to be a convoy sailing or whatever, but that may well have happened.
Of course, there are pony versions of those posters.
I don't actually know how many bones MLP ponies have, but IRL equines have 205. Humans have 206.
IRL equines also have about a 350 degree field of vision. Basically, the only thing they can't see (without turning their heads) is their own butts. Most of it is monocular vision, with a narrow range of binocular vision across their noses.
MLP ponies have forward-facing predator eyes, which means that nearly all their vision is binocular, but they're not so good at seeing things sneaking up behind them. They probably have about the same 180 or so degrees of vision that humans do.
I didn't mention this up at the top, but there was an outbreak of Legionnaires disease in Flint, likely caused by the water quality issues.
The Boy Scout motto is “Be Prepared.”
Mossberg's double barrel shotguns (at least all the ones I could find pictures of) are over/under. Side-by-side is cooler and more threatening IMHO, but Mossberg sounds like a brand that a unicorn would use.
One of the details I've long wanted to put in a PoE fic—possibly as far back as Silver Glow's Journal—was a pony, potentially a unicorn, who has a shotgun and basically reenacts this particular scene from Kill Bill:
This was, of course, the perfect place to use it.
John McClane is the protagonist in the Die Hard franchise.
Drano and the aluminum inside older toothpaste tubes might actually make a workable bomb. I'd recommend not mixing them together, anyways. In fact, don't play with Drano at all, just to be safe.
Legos are a violation of the Geneva convention. Acording to AvE, they can take an absurd amount of force, too.
Warning: Language
There's an obligatory Futurama reference, for those of you who caught it.
Dominant Mystique was an actual fetish magazine. Yes, I researched that.
Wiimotes aren't meant to be used as weapons, and you're supposed to put the strap on your wrist to keep them from flying around. There are no straps on the console, because you're not supposed to fling it around.
Alone in the Dark is a Wii game that's apparently bad. I've never played it, so I can't say.
Unicorns are basically just horses that can stab you.
Keep that in mind if you ever confront one.
I'm also going to note right here at the end that I made a little bit of a change in my prior titles: I re-numbered Derpy Accidentally A Portal Gun IV to V, but I kept the Tetraology, since that was the original title (and that means 'a series of four books'). That makes this one VI, of course, but to keep with the numbering getting weird, I made sure that the total word count had all fives in it. Hey, if the Caesars can move months around so that seventh month is now the ninth month and so on, I ought to be able to shuffle the numbers in my series around, too.
And since you've got this far, I could tell you what I've got planned for next year, but the truth is I have no idea.
If Twilight Sparkle has her Kryptonite, it's obviously cheese. Note her fear of quesadillas.
Yes, The Cabin in the Woods made that perfectly clear.
Well I think you could do one more story where She finally gets home again.
Well thought-out. You should write a sequel or chapter where Sparkler returns hime, I can imagine that Dinky must be worried sick about her.
4829869
I've always thought (even before Twilight's fear of quesadillas was revealed) that unicorns generally don't like cheese.
Nevertheless, it's very possible that that is Twilight's kryptonite.
I wonder what Rarity's would be? Dirt seems too general; I think that she just doesn't like dirt, not that she can't get her horn dirty.
4829873
I really want to know what that actor's name is. I remember trying to look it up one time (I think for the last Sparkler vs. Humans) and couldn't find it.
My friends actually convinced me to watch Cabin in the Woods just for that scene. They didn't tell me what that scene was, but they said that I'd like it and I'd know when I saw it, and they were right on both counts.
4829969
I don't think it really needs a sequel. Over the course of the series, Sparkler has wiped out a massive number of humans, using both her innate unicorn skills, her combat training, and access to a ridiculous number of guns and explosives (and in one case, her scarf). Dinky's got nothing to fear.
pre00.deviantart.net/80ff/th/pre/i/2011/310/c/0/sparkler_and_dinky_by_equestria_prevails-d4f9ejx.jpg
4829913
I could, I suppose, but given the way that the series went, it's pretty obvious that she's got the skills to get herself back home in the end.
4830139
I see. But still, you could show her return to Equestria
4830204
Last time she had a scarf that she needed to wash and patch (but she left one bullet hole in it for posterity):
4832203
I see. Expereience is the best teacher.
4832214
And for Sparkler, that experience is best learned with a hoof-full of guns.
4832270
Indeed
I think I enjoyed this as much as the story, itself!
4842879
Thanks! I always try to write blog posts that are both educational and entertaining.