How I Met My Wife · 5:13pm Feb 10th, 2018
This is some creative nonfiction that I’ll probably freak out about a few days from now and delete off the internet. That and for such a light-hearted sounding topic, it’s… umm… pretty dark. Trigger Warning suicide and all that.
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I wasn’t in the best head-space when I met the woman who would become my wife. This was for quite a few reasons.
Number 1, I resigned myself that I was going to be a liberal arts major. That meant that with my future salary I would only be able to afford to feed myself… and maybe one other person (if they worked too). Not being able to get a STEM or business degree was basically a life sentence of lower class wages and just scraping by. So clearly it’s best not to get to know people or entertain thoughts of falling or love or nonsense like that. I couldn’t afford to be in love. I would never financially be able to afford that.
Number 2, but besides that, I was most likely going to commit suicide someday. It’s something I had always dreamed and wanted ever since I was a child. It felt like one of those things in a story where someday the protagonist’s dreams would all come true, and everything would work out. Only this particular protagonist’s dream was just to die. Definitely non-conventional as far as goals go, so I wasn’t about to share this particular thought pattern with anyone else. But I figured SOME DAY, probably in my mid forties or something I would probably succumb to all the suicidal thoughts I’ve had my entire life and all my dreams would come true. I mean—being alive is the worst thing that could happen to someone. Existence: 0/5 would not recommend.
Planning for my eventual suicide involved a basic understanding that I really ought not to affect anything. Just pretend I’m already dead. I’m basically a walking zombie that should probably just accept my fate and just die already. And every good thing I created or friendship I developed would be judged after my death as something a person that committed suicide did, tainting everything I ever came in contact with. So it’d really just be best not to affect anything at all as much as possible.
Boy did I fail.
I met her a Brony meetup. It was the season six premiere and I arrived late because I was reading a creepy fanfic I probably shouldn’t have read, but I finished it and needed some human contact after that. That and I always go to the weekly brony meetup. It just helped that this was a premiere party.
I walked into the room—it was packed to the brim. And wow, there’s a girl I hadn’t seen before! (I know it’s the stereotype that there are no girls at Brony meetups, but they really are quite rare). She was sitting in the back corner, but there was just enough space to squeeze a stool there and I could officially take over the back corner.
I had already seen the episode that morning—watching the reactions online in real time was too much fun to miss—so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me to miss some of it talking. That and this girl looked really cool. She was one of those ambiguous ethnicities that no one could ever figure out without asking. That and she was at a Brony meetup. And I was pretty sure that was a sketchbook in her hands. Any one of those traits would be enough to catch my interest. And she had all three!
I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but we got to talking. I think about ponies and drawing and sketchbooks and animals or something. And at one point I asked her if she wanted to draw together sometime next Thursday. And she said yes. And then the first thing out of my mouth after that was: “Did I just ask you out on a date?”
And she was like: “Yeah, I should probably give you my number then.”
And in the back of my mind I was simultaneously absolutely ecstatic for a date, and also still reeling from the realization that I had in fact asked someone out on a date so much that I had said it out loud. I’m—well—mental health wise, and for many different reasons—not supposed to go on dates… or get to know someone… or any of those things.
And it just kind of… happened?
I dunno love is stupid and irrational and I don’t like it.
But it’s so much fun!
The last two years of our courtship has been pretty fun. And incredibly angsty. I kept trying to break up with her, for obvious reasons. I mean you can’t exactly have a relationship with someone’s who’s already dead inside and is planning for the outward death someday.
But umm… it apparently worked out somehow?
Granted, I still want to die. If I got into a car accident and died tomorrow I’d still be 100% cool with it. But I don’t think I'm going to kill myself. Which is quite a giant leap in thinking to make over the course of two years. (It helps that I’m not nearly in financial doom and gloom as I thought I’d be after graduation, I mean—I can afford a therapist(!) and anti-anxiety medication! That’s huge).
It’s gotten to the point that I’m… happy?
It’s really quite strange.
I thought my suicidal thoughts would kick into extreme overdrive as it got closer to my wedding… but it hasn’t? I have to remind myself that it’s okay to be happy. Because I am. And I am NOT used to this.
Nothing really sums up this experience quite like the following exchange:
ME: Actually... what's really weird is that I'm feeling... oddly.... fantastic!?
FRIEND: That's great. And weird. For you. It shouldn't be weird. It's great. It's just also weird, because, you know. It's you.
So yeah… surprise! Happiness! Who woulda thunk!?
Of course… the annoying part about all this was that I can’t just slap a: “They all lived happily ever after. The End.” To the bottom of this post. Life doesn’t work that way (Oh, but I wish it did, I love endings).
It’s gonna be a lifelong struggle, but hey! It’ll work out somehow. And really, that’s pretty good.
Love you guys!
Well shit. <.< Good job, man, and congrats!
I’m really glad you are happy and I hope you stay that way and also stay not dead. For a while at least. That would be pretty weird if you also happened to be immortal.
Also U2 should write a collab or something
Fixation on death aside, this is lovely =D. Congrats and good luck.
Don't worry, I've already made 10 different archives of this post!!! Bwahahahaha >:D
:P
But in all seriousness, that is a lovely tale. It goes to show that in the ups and downs of life, the ups really do exist.
My wife said that you aren't allowed to die. If you did, you couldn't watch "You are Umasou" and that "would be a big problem."
Thanks, man!
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APEIROPHOBIA INTENSIFIES
She's up for a collab. Just not sure what our collab would be about.
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You—You just described my entire life. Like—that's it! The whole thing!
I now have a new page quote
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Thank you so much! It's so weird to report on feeling happy. But it's awesome!
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XD
Well, I trust you with copies of this. And besides—it's the internet, nothing is ever truly gone.
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I love you man. And yeah, not watching You are Umasou would be quite a problem
I'm so glad you're happy together. ^^
Happiness should never be weird for anyone. Hope it stays that way (happy, not weird!) for you both.
Congratulations! That's awesome that the two of you have hammered out some unexpected happiness, and that you're finding some ways to consider less bleak options for your life outlook.
Between you and MrNumbers' recent post, it's been a remarkably uplifting month round about here. Thank you for being willing to open up and share with us, and I wish you all the continued happiness.
I'm glad it's worked out for you so far.