Preview To Twilily Saga: Journey To Heartwarming./2nd Updated Version/ · 5:11pm Jul 28th, 2017
This is the preview to the next part of the Twilily Saga. Twilily Saga: Journey To Heartwarming, which is a sequel to Twilily Saga: Past, Present, Or Damnation, and is the third in line of Endless TIme, Or Forever End. This preview is ripped from Chapter 4 and has quite a bit of characters being shown off in it. In particular, we get to see a small cameo of my personal OC. Now, this scene doesn't really give what these characters look like, it just a fun little scene that I had available that didn't have too many spoilers.
Also warning as this is still a rough draft and certain things might change in the final product.
I hope you all enjoy the preview and give me comments and what you think. Plus after the preview, I will give out bonus news.
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Starlight’s feet kept kicking her forward as she followed the bloody trail through the village streets for an unknown amount of time. She didn’t know how long she had been following the trail, only that she was at least still in the village but long enough that the chill of the cold morning air was no longer bothering her. Her mind wandered on hopes and fears as she increased her speed.
Sounds of crashing broke her from her thoughts. She turned to her left he saw villagers that were being attacked by wendigo sculptures that were throwing stuff at them. She stopped in her tracks with a near skid and stared for several seconds toward the villagers. Her feet wanted to go forward and keep following the blood, but her hands were saying no as they reached for her gentlemare sword. Her eyes darted back and forth, she knew from the look of the creatures they were clearly same type that Twilight and she had fought yesterday, but she didn't have time to deal with such things as blood trail began to thin out with newer layers of snow that were falling.
Suddenly a scream of one of the villagers made the choice for her as her hands pulled out her gentlemare sword and she changed directions toward wendigo sculptures. She rushed in with a quick slash, taking down one before turning to slice another clean in half. She felt the chill of one from behind and ducked below it’s twisting claws as it barely missed her mane. She swung backward punching the hilt of her gentlemare sword into the jaws of the enemy, busting it open. She spun back around and kicked with great force, sending the wendigo sculpture crashing through the snow and into a wall.
Her eyes widened as she felt ice grab at her feet. She pointed her gentlemare sword downward and standing a rising wendigo sculpture in the eye. She pushed herself upward with the force of the attack and throw herself into a crowd of them that had quickly surrounded some fillies. Standing over the fillies as they crowded down she swung left and right to stop as many of the wendigo sculptures as she could.
However, one grabbed her by the arm and threw her away from the fillies. She looked in terror as she flew through the air seemingly in slow motion. She lit her horn an attempt to tried and stop them but halted as she realized she might hit the fillies. Her eyes strained as they watched, seeing the tears upon the fillies' faces.
Suddenly a green blur ran through the crowding wendigo sculptures and save the fillies as time moved at normal speed once again. Starlight smile as she felt the big strong arms of Red Steel catching her, knowing very well that the green blur was Hermes. Red Steel set Starlight down and then pulled out a massive boulder out of the ground. He threw it with very little strength at the wendigo sculptures as they turned their attention toward it.
Hermes appeared with the fillies in his arms and set them down as the wendigo sculptures shattered a few meters behind him. Starlight and Red Steel walked over to him as he took a breath. “Wow, wow, I didn’t think I would even in a million, zillions years be fast enough the save those adorable little fillies. It was like the wush from the strike of lightning or maybe fast. Though unlikely as the speed of light is--”
“Okay, we don’t have time for that kind of intel right now, Hermes,” Starlight interrupted him as she held her hand up to his mouth.
WIthout warning, his widened and he pushed away her hand so he could speak. “Wow, You never told me how soft your hand was Starlight. What kind of lotion do you use? What type is it and aroma? Or maybe it’s--”
Starlight pulled her hand away in fear, “Hey, don’t you start acting like Silver Pear on me.”
Suddenly a loud roar pierced the soft winds around them as they covered their ears on pure reaction. They all looked in shock and confusion as they span around to find the source. Starlight didn’t know who sent the roar. However, she had to find it quickly. The owner could have been the one that was summoning these fakes.
She spun around several times as the roar kept going. Instantly she stopped as the roar ended and her eyes fell upon a tall icy blue figure standing on the highest building in the distance. It was too far to see what the figure looked like, but it was very clear that this thing was the real wendigo responsible for the attack.
Without warning a massive amount of the snow began to shake between them and the icy blue figure. Giant chunks of snow swarmed from the ground and formed giant sized wendigo sculpture as it rose up from the snow and jumped toward them. This was way too big for them to take alone, but they weren’t alone as they held up their weapons ready for battle. Starlight with her gentlemare sword, Hermes with his sabres, Red Steel with his tomahawks.
Luckily on the best of timing, Lighttone jumped out of nowhere into the air and bit down on the wendigo sculpture’s neck as his attack pushed with enough force to knock it into an empty building nearby, missing them completely.
Once he had it pinned, he bit down into its pseudo flesh only to quickly pull back and gag. “Ugh, this doesn’t taste like a wendigo. It tastes more like a something else.”
“Something else?” Starlight ran over to him as he climbed out of the rubble.
“Indeed.”
“But how? This is memory duplica spell. If that thing up there is not a wendigo, then these sculptures shouldn’t be wendigoes.” Starlight scratched her head in confusion.
As they argued Rainbow Blitz walked up, “Don’t you two sound confused, but I’m going to have to agree with Lightttone’s taste buds today. I just came from the direction of that roar and that tall one looked a lot more like a changeling to me.”
“Hmm, confusing, I didn’t taste any changeling in there either.”
“Not only that, I also saw Granny Apple being held hostage some sort of wolf creature as well..”
“What?” Starlight turned toward Rainbow Blitz in a bit of a rush and demanded, “How badly injured is she?”
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t get close enough to see.” Rainbow Blitz hit at his dizzy eyes. “I had to go drink a little too much today. But I was able to see that Twilight and Silver Pear were fighting their way over there.”
“It’s okay,” Starlight placed her hand on her friend’s shoulder and pulled his fist away from his face. “I’ll go help save Granny Apple.” Suddenly several more wendigo sculptures rose from the snow. “Meanwhile you four save as many villagers as you can.” She jumped upward and forward as she began running over the heads on the wendigo sculptures that were in the way as the others charged into the enemies around them.
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As they charged at the enemies, the mysterious icy blue figure watched them from a distance. “Looks like they have separated. I must warn Nyaniac.” He held up his strangely pale white arm and spoke into it, “Nyaniac, they are heading your way.”
“Well done, Indigo Frost. I was worried you wouldn’t be able to separate her from her new friends,” a voice covered in a slight static spoke from the arm.
“Don’t insult me. Just make sure that Bad Wolf and that siren don’t fail us again.” On that, he placed his arm down. He smiled as he looked to Starlight. His eyes began to glow as snow began to rise up and fly around him as he began to vanish.
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<End of Preview>
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So what did you think? Will this look like a good read? The story is set to come out sometime between May and July of next year, depending on when I get done with Twilily Saga: Past, Present, Or Damnation. It is also going to be quick a large story, probably the longest one I have ever written. This is understandable as I am covering my own version of the Heartwarming events. This will also be the one with the largest use of OCs, so expect a lot of new ones and reappearance of plenty of old ones. Though please note that Selena Moondie and Cult Race will not be in this story at all.
Without having any knowledge of the AU I found this to be an enjoyable read; though I would have liked to have started at the first chapter... but, oh well. Which also causes me to ask... who is Granny Apple?
Other than that "major" question, I shall be looking forward to reading this; though if it will help to read other stuff first I can totally do that.
4615976
Well, I try to make it where new readers aren't required to read previous stuff. But still keeping it fun for old readers who have kept up to date.
You really don't have to go after the other stuff in this universe unless you want to. Though if you do I will warn you that the start of the saga takes places in a separate universe from the rest and is one of my oldest story(very poorly written), so tread lightly the further you go back in this saga.
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And about Granny Apple, this story takes during the events that led to this AU's Heartwarming, so she very much is an ancestor of the Apple Family. Any other questions as to why Starlight and Twilight are in this fic, well you have to either wait for the fic to come out or read the current stuff that's out.
4616087
Alright, thanks. I'll be looking forward to reading this when it comes out. ^^
I haven't read any of the previous stories in the saga, but after reading this I read the two chapters of the first story. I've got to say, both there and here, you have some really grabbing ideas. I really want to know what is going on and that drive keeps me wanting to read. But, your prose is rather amateurish. It's not bad, but it does suffer due to a lack of "showing" the story. I assume you know the phrase "show, don't tell"? The sentence structure could also be improved to help things flow better and to help make the story more engaging.
This is good. You present Starlight as the PoV character, you grab our attention by saying she's following blood. It makes me think, "Who's blood? Why is she following it?" That's good, it makes me want to read more.
But then it clumsily flows into the "until she came upon some villagers that were being attacked by living wendigo sculptures" part. While this is still grabbing, and presents more questions I want to know the answers too, it isn't really that interesting to read otherwise.
What is she conflicted about? Don't just tell us she's conflicted. Show us that she is. Show us the thoughts that she's having. Show us as she prepares to draw her sword, but hesitates. Her feat shifting back and forth over the frozen ground as her eyes darted between the beasts and the helpless villagers.
Okay, so we get that Starlight is capable and these wendigos are somewhat of a threat, but the action itself is a bit boring and confusing.
A quick slash of what? You haven't even mentioned that she readied her weapons or other capabilities yet. Also, we don't know how many wendigos there are, where they're located or anything about the villagers. I can picture this scene in so many different ways without this clarification.
Try some showing rather then telling. For example: "The forth wendigo's chill encroached on her. She twisted around only to swiftly duck from the icy claw that sliced though the air, freezing a few strands of her hair as it went. Wasting no time, Starlight kicked herself off the ground. The wendigo screeched and darted backwards, but it was too slow. Starlight let out a cry of rage as the pommel of her gentlemare sword crashed into its skull. Shards of shattered ice exploded into the air as the wendigo crashed into a snowdrift. She reversed the grip of her sword as she landed on the wedigo, thrusting the blade deep into it's body and piercing its frozen heart."
This part was slightly confusing. You never established that there was a specific crowd of fillies. Also, you never established if and how they are defending themselves from the unknown number of wendigos. You don't need to be exact about such things, but helping to give the reader an idea of what is going on is good.
So is she actually in slow motion, or does it just feel like it is? This is very ambiguous.
Again, telling rather then showing. Also "Big steel colored arms of Red Steel" sounds bad to me. Try wording it differently.
Here's a hint, if you have multiple "ands" in a row, then you've messed up your sentence structure and should brake it up a bit.
Two things about this sentence: Firstly, it sounds like they started covering their ears along with the roar rather as a reaction to it. Secondly, the "loudness" at the end is entirely redundant. You've already said it's loud and the fact they are covering their ears shows us that it's loud!
If it was too far to see, then how was it very clear that it was a real wendigo? Also, how did she know it was responsible for the attack? Show us.
How giant? Where was this snow it rose from? How far away is it? What are their reactions?
Saying "Suddenly" doesn't make thing sudden. If anything it reduces the suddenness of the event. It may have been better having Rainbow Blitz startle Starlight by suddenly appearing next to her and speaking.
How is Rainbow Blitz talking in the first line? We don't know is emotional tone at the moment. As for the second line, Starlight doesn't sound very lively. I don't know exactly about this point, but I suggest playing around with all the speech tags to see if you can make it come to life a bit better.
Again, telling, not showing. Show us that she did so as an act of kindness, don't just say it was.
The part in bold is entirely redundant. We can probably figure that out without that bit of information. But if you do want to make it clearer, then don't just say it was acting as a long range communication. Describe how the voice was crackly due to the distance or something.
So, to conclude. You've got yourself a new reader. Your ideas here are really interesting and I want to know more. But, honestly, that's the only thing that's keeping me interested because your prose just isn't interesting to me. I do really hope this helps.
4623021 Well, thank you a lot for your help. I'm glad somepony caught the problems. I filled annoyed when people don't point out any problem and simple just read. I want to grow and this is rather hard with very little help.
Yes, I have noticed my problem on 'show don't tell'. And I'm very glad to get more pointers on fixing that. Truthfully what often stops me from fully in details is when I write, my mind will sometimes jump far ahead of what I'm writing and the rest of me will go on autopilot. Though this used to be much worse.
Again I thank you for the help. It looks like I still need more work to do before I show off this beast of a story.
4623021
Okay, I updated with the changes you suggested. Does it read better now?
4623189
It is better, but it still could do with some work.
All the suggestions I pointed out were just examples of things that kept occurring during the chapter. You can't just fix thouse problems without applying what you've learned to the rest of the chapter.
I want to try something, a little bit of teaching. Have a read of this article here.
Use the points as suggested in there to take the following sentence and expand upon it. Show us what is happening. (Also, showing doesn't just mean what we see, it includes all other senses too)
Here's my go at it, only look after you've had one or two goes at it! I'd like to know what you came up with.
The crimson stained snow crunched under Starlight's feet. She wasn't sure how long she had been following the blood trail, but she must be getting close now. Surly something couldn't have survived after bleeding that much? A icy chill rustled the heavy branches of the slumbering trees, knocking loose a thin layer of fresh snow. She huddled against herself as each breath chilled her lungs and released thin clouds of steam that seeped lazily through her bandanna.
She paused. A distant cry echoed though the forest, quickly followed by screams and shouts of pain. Starlight's eyes widened. Her head perked up as she scanned though the icy waists for the source. There! Something had darted between the trees. She doubted she would have seen it if it wasn't for the unnatural sharp movement. It's body was the colour of ice and glided low and swiftly over the ground. She flowed it's movement. She strained her eyes. Just up the road closing into the edge of the village a group of farmers and their families huddled together. The men stood with spears, clubs and farming tools facing outwards as the cold wraiths circled around them like a pack of hungry wolves. In the centre screaming children clung to their mothers' coats.
Starlight growled to herself. Wendigos.
I would also like to know your thoughts whilst writing. Why did you decide to write it that way? Could there have been another way? It can be difficult to think this way when writing at first, but trust me, if you practice it you will quickly get so much better.
4623521
Well, this was the best I could come up with.
Starlight’s feet kept kicking her forward as she the bloody trail through the village streets for an unknown amount of time. She didn’t know how long she had been following the trail, but that she was at least still in the village and that the chill of the cold morning air was no longer bothering her. Her mind wandered on hopes and fears as she increased her speed.
Sounds of crashing broke her from her thoughts. She turned to her left he saw villagers that were being attacked by wendigo sculptures that were throwing stuff at them. She stopped in her tracks with a near skid and stared for several seconds toward the villagers. Her feet wanted to go forward and keep following the blood, but her hands were saying no as they reached for her gentlemare sword. Her eyes darted back and forth, he knew from the look of the creatures they were clearly same type that Twilight had fought yesterday, but she didn't have time to deal with such things, blood trail began to thin out as a new layer of snow beginning to fall.
Suddenly a scream of one of the villagers made the choice for her as her hands pulled out her gentlemare sword and she changed directions toward wendigo sculptures. She rushed in with a quick slash, taking down one before turning to slice another clean in half. She felt the chill of one from behind and ducked below it’s twisting claws. She swung backward punching the hilt of her gentlemare sword into the jaws of the enemy, busting it open. She spun back around and kicked with great force, sending the wendigo sculpture crashing through the snow.
This is best I can do with what you are asking of me. The background was already set in a village in a previous scene, meanwhile, Starlight knowing these things to be fakes was also in a previous scene.
4624473
In full, that would have been okay. But it wasn't made clear where this was set during the original so I always pictured it on the road into town in a icy forest.
"As she the bloody trail" you missed a word there. This is still good, but the last part (in red) is entirely redundant because you say this next:
This is still good, but personally I would have show us what those thoughts and fears were through either direct, indirect or free indirect though.
It's a bit of a awkward sentence. Perhaps show us the reaction of the villagers in one sentence and describe the attack in another.
Apart from the typos, this is very good. But maybe make it clearer that she decided to follow the trail but noticed how it thinned out. It should be it's own sentence too.
I only asked you to write about that very first sentence, not her deliberation and the attack.
Over all, you are getting there. You are improving. It just takes practice. Picture the scene in your mind as if it was a movie and then describe it back to us. What do you see and hear? How do you know a character feels the way they are feeling?
Compare what you wrote with the example I provided. Can you notice the difference? That one sentence you wrote originally has become three paragraphs that conveys the exact same information. Starlight is following the blood and then she sees Wendigos attacking the villagers. The rest of the words are there to set the scene and get into her head so we know what she's thinking and feeling.
Don't need to do that for every line because what you have after it is absolutely fine.
You will get it eventually. My advice is simply to read as many different stories you can and take note of how the author conveys information.
If you want any more help, just ask. Also, I'm enjoying Endless Time, Or Forever End. It's got an interesting world, characters and plot, so you get good marks there. I just think that if you improve your writing then more people will find it enjoyable.
4624619
Yeah, it is the roughest of the saga. I have been wanting to go back and completely fix it, but have been too busy setting up the other parts of my multiverse.
4624661
Earlier stuff is always worse, I even cringe at the start of the first chapter of my story, and that only came out just over a month ago.
Just remember my suggestions and what that article says, then apply it to everything you write. Most of all, read lots and take notes on how they are written.
I do want to ask, what differences can you spot between my example of the text and what you wrote? Do you see why I wrote it the way I did?
4624685 Well, you do try your best to set up a background with what little you have. Meanwhile my scene have little to do with background and more on other things. Also your scene does flow a lot better then mine, while my scene does fill more rushed every time I read it. I'm going to try a few more tricks to this scene as well as the rest of the story. I still have plenty of time before this beast of a story is set to be posted.
4625562
It's good that you're recognising those things and trying to improve them. The more you do it, the better you'll get.