The blog about my hiatus · 2:45pm Mar 6th, 2017
Good morning folks. As I mentioned in my comment for Brightest Spark, I intend to talk a little about what's been keeping me from posting much. I'll do my best to explain without going into too much detail, and the reasons will become apparent below.
Most people that know me face to face would probably describe me as distant or reserved, and they wouldn't be wrong. Sure, I can make small talk and whatnot, but it's all... fake. It's chaff I throw out to maintain the appearance of normalcy. Nothing truly personal is ever shared with anyone, and the people I meet never become more than just intangible acquaintances that disappear as quickly as they appear. I don't share what's really going on in my head because, in the end, talk is cheap. I do understand the irony of an author marginalizing the power of words, but it's something that has become a constant over the past few years for me. Anyone can offer words of sympathy or encouragement, but words have never solved my problem.
For as long as i was old enough to give serious consideration about the future, I've had a little dream. It varied at times but the core of it had always seemed so modest that it felt like a safe thing to hope for. Then, as they say, reality ensues. That modest little dream was pruned and hewed and downsized over the years into the absolute bare minimum: to experience something that the vast majority of people have abundance of, but don't appreciate nearly as much as they should. I held onto this hope for the past eight years, until now.
It had been something that had been lurking in the back of my mind for all of those years; the nagging doubt that the one thing I wanted would never happen. That I'd spend the next thirty years living this day over and over, desperately clinging to that shred of hope I had secreted away. That my little dream was futile despite its simplicity, and any further effort expended on it would just be a waste. I resisted this line of thought for eight years, but that time has come to an end. So now I sit with no hopes or dreams to cloud my perception, and I don't know what to do from here.
My writing muse has become... fickle since then. I spent a month trying to write a page of Nightmare. I spent two months trying to rewrite Directive 2's first and second chapter to make it work. I then started up the next chapter of Brightest Spark and finished it in three days. I'm going to -attempt- to work on Mente Materia from here, but I have no realistic timeframe for how long that might take given my recent inconsistency.
Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me so far, I'll try not to disappoint.
If you are having trouble with real life then that comes first. If you having depression or anxiety then I say you need to consult with a mental health expert and start confiding and asking for help from your closest friends and family or in other words those who love you and will help you. In other words your real life comes first always and you must do what you must to put it in order. Sorry if this sounds silly but your life comes first.
I understand the nature of wanting that kind of zero presence. But no matter the choice, ive enjoyed what you have created, even if its a want or desire to pause. You don't have any obligation, when things are troubling you. So no worries, okay?
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Prescriptions never work for my moods, and I had been seeing a councilor for the past three years. And I don't talk to my friends and family for two reasons. One, talk is cheap and it hasn't helped me make any progress to what I wanted. And two, knowledge of the one little thing I wanted tends to change peoples perspective of me, and not in a good way.
I'm not belittling or disregarding your advice. It's just that I've tried all of that already.
Hey, you're not alone in how you act/feel with people.
Most of the people that call me a friend see me once or twice a year. Hell a person that describes me as her closest male friend has not seen me in 2 or 3 years and has only spoken to me twice in the last year.
I'm a bit different though. I'm very often a very silly and cheerful person... that isn't very cheerful when I'm not on the spot.
Could always focus on your XCOM2 mod if you need a break
Or do something light-hearted and silly to get the muse interested in working for you again
The Muse is a fickle beast. Sometimes you spend days tromping through the tall grass and vines of the creative jungle, looking for the smallest of clawed footprints, and sometimes it seeks you out at night and pounces, dragging you to the word processor and growling with hunger until you have produced a few dozen pages to feed its voracious appetite.
The scars can be epic. I'll have to show them off at the next convention. Well, the G-rated ones.
I once had a problem like that. I would tell you what I did but I think the US has a extradition treaty with Thailand.
I appearantly had a very good time.
sounds like you've had a visit from an old 'friend' of mine. judging by the rather somber tone of your post, your choice of words, those little turns of phrase. i would have to say your dealing with a bout of Depression. best advise i can give you if this is true, take some time to dust out your head space. however much time you need. if you think you need it, see an LMHC or other such professional. in the end, this is about you. and just like anything else, the sooner you tend to your head space, the sooner you can start to get yourself back on your own four hooves.
as for us fans of your writings? we'll be here. now git! you got work to do! go get that noggin sorted out!
Well, i'll be waiting here then. I hope the writing muse comes back to you as soon as possible, my friend
I hear ya, man. I don't make friends all that easily myself, nor talk about things that matter 'til they do.
I know what it's like to see a dream just sit there and wither. I don't know what I can say to that, only that you ain't the only one riding that boat.
Good luck, Godspeed.
We love your world and are more than willing to wait.
Thank you.
Thank you for the effort you put into making your fan happy. Thank you for creating such a rich world with characters we care about(and hope get shipped!). Thank you for letting us know what was going on instead of dispersing like so many amazing artists on this site do. Thank you for the extra chapter on rules for interacting with Equestria that still makes me smile every time i think about it.
Thank you.
Ah. I was beginning to get worried about you. It's good to see you're still alive, even if... not in the best mood, apparently.
Heh, I can relate to that "fake small talk" part.
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I'm afraid my plans for that have fallen through, and it likely won't come to be. It was a fun idea to play with but I don't think it's going to happen at this point.
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That's actually kind of funny to think about. Prior to the realization that led to all of this, I would agonize and angst over my hopes and dreams. Now that they're gone, there's only... resignation. The rage and (admittedly) jealousy I once felt at lacking something that so many others take for granted has burned out. It's just starting to sink in that I'm going to have to subsist on the pale imitations I can find in stories and games than to hold out hope for something that will never happen to the me that I'm stuck with.
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I thank you for the kind words, but my muse's fickle whims are merely a side effect of what's really bothering me. I know that people appreciate what I write and enjoy it, but after what I've lost the writing just doesn't come to me as easily anymore. It stinks that my stories (and by extension my readers) are having to pay the price for it, but this is how things are now.
I don't even know what to say.
On the one hand i want to say that you are not the only one with such problems, but i don't think it will help a slightest.
On the other hand i want to say to you to man up, embrace your misery and learn to live with it, but that will be just plain rude of me.
So i'll just say that i am really appreciate your work, looking forward to your future creations, and ready to wait for them whatever time it takes.
I know how that feels. A hope and a dream that seem so far away. My hope is to be successful, to one day change the world in my own way. I'm in college specifically for that purpose. My dream, however, is impossible to achieve. It simply won't happen, doesn't even involve reality. Doesn't stop me from dreaming it. Maybe holding onto the dream is more important than achieving it?
I just hope that, one day, all of the pieces will fall into place. Maybe I'll be dead when that happens. But I know it's coming. Some day, everything will make sense. I just have to keep myself alive until that happens, and live life to the fullest that I possibly can in case it does not.
So just stay determined, Arad. Don't worry about not achieving an impossible dream, but don't abandon that dream either. Eventually, the answers will find you.
I don't comment on your stuff much. But for the person who made me realize that MLP fanfics could be more than just 'episodes of the show that are not animated' or 'rule 34 in text form', I'll do anything I can to help them feel better.
You're the person who showed me that there's an audience for people who like the MLP setting with more serious stories set in it. You are directly responsible for me having a place to practice and hone my skills for my planned career as an author. Everyone who likes my stories owes you a debt of gratitude. They wouldn't exist without you.
You mean a lot to me. Keep doing what you are doing. I treasure every word of your writing. I don't care if I have to wait a decade for a chapter. I will read it.
Also, if I am understanding that dream right, I've been there too. If you need to talk with somone who'se been on both the posative and negative sides of love, here I am.
I know what it's like to lose the muse. I lost it when things got better for me, oddly enough. But I still sit down every once in a while and try to let the words and ideas flow. I may never complete them, but I always return periodically, because I cannot know if things have changed again if I don't check.
May you not forget that no matter what happens, you were able to synthesize something which is good, and every material thing which allowed you to create those good works is still there. May you never devalue yourself or your past work just because you despair that you will never be able to create again, either at all or to your liking, because you don't know that. The muse is arbitrary and capricious just as much to your benefit as to your detriment. May you never fear being yourself, no matter what that is or how it changes.