(Short) Pause · 2:26am Feb 19th, 2017
I've been doing nothing but write Twilight's Secret Journal for the past month or so, and I'm seriously starting to lose it now.
I'm about as Pinkie as it gets. Just... not the one on the left anymore. It's been many years since that.
Depression is a huge bitch, meds I'm on aren't helping, out of options, dunno know what to do. Will probably go see a different doctor or try experimental things like cutting myself or something (never been a cutter; does that work?). Maybe quit working and sleep 23 hours per day and do heavy amounts of drugs in the short space in which I'm conscious. Dunno. Bleah. 
You do what you have to.
Anyhoo, long story short I need a break. It won't be a four-month break like before, but the chapters are getting harder on me psychologically. As Twilight starts to flip out and suffer, so do I. I actually have to feel what she feels in order to write what she experiences. I'm not joking. It's how I write. This is not an exaggeration in any way. This is why my most recent story took me more than a year to complete. So if you follow the story, you probably have some idea just how fucked up it is for me at the moment. The depression is coincidental, but they feed each other and this is a Bad Thing™. 
I have about three stories nearly prepped for publication, so I might put one of them up soon. Maybe I'll start adding to Veneer, too. Or work on the game again, or even that secret project. But either way, I can't do anything at all right now until my condition improves. I'll play it by perky-fuzzy adorbs darkcuteness nightwing earsies. 
(Don't worry I won't kill myself. You'll get to see the end of the story. Pinkie Pie Promise!) 
Just focus on recovering yourself as best you can Trick, you need to look after your health after all. Here's hoping you achieve at least some semblance of feeling/being better.
No, Fuck no! Cutting never helps, it ALWAYS makes it worse.
Cutting is one step away from Suicide. And no one wants that.
Have you ever thought of seeking therapy? it really helps.
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I've done therapy over and over. The problem isn't cognitive or psychodynamic, it's solely affective. I just feel like I really, really need to kill myself, because I deserve it or because I'm a bad person or something, every single day. I know it isn't logical, and I know I don't deserve to feel this way, but it's below the level of thought. It's an inconsistent feeling I can't escape.
I did a month of ECT, which removed the problem 100%, but the relief only lasted for a week before I started to slide back. There's something wrong with my brain, physically, and drugs stopped doing anything to help four or five years ago.
I won't give up looking for a solution, but damn, sometimes it's rough.
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Also, medical marijuana. I honestly don't condone the use of illegal, semi-legal, or even legal drugs, but seriously, it'd be a lot healthier for you by comparison to the pills you've been on. Worth a shot, isn't it? Hopefully it's legit whereever you are.
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Kratom's working amazingly well for the pain issue at least. I hope it stays legal for a while.
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I can relate to you. I felt the same last summer. But for me it was the fear of death that kept me depressed.
It was a sort of pain from the heart. It made me think uncomfortable thought that no mater how much I tried to reason it away or told myself how stupid it was to think like this it just kept going. I could no longer find joy in games that I liked before, nor in reading stories. The heart just kept hurting and sending these thoughts to me so that I could not concentrate or enjoy anything.
I was lucky. It was a seasonal depression that comes every summer in varying degrees of serious.
There are only two solutions that I know of: It goes over on it's own. Or someone helps you find meaning. And I am not talking about a therapist. They can not help with this kind of depression. But more of a friend.
It is difficult of course to find someone like that but Homo sapiens sapiens is a social creature so the company and the distraction it brings can mend a broken heart. You of course need the right kind of friend, the one that knows you, the one that like you, there joy is your joy and there sadness is your sadness and vice versa. Genuine caring. You trust it because you care the same about them.
I hope it passes soon. Sometimes it does. But If you ever need someone to talk to we, your fans are here.
It doesn't.
You moght feel somewhat better at first, but the cuts hurt and if you aren't careful people will see them, and that just makes you feel depressed again, and then you look at the cuts and see what you've done to yourself and how ugly you've made yourself, which makes you more depressed, and then try to hold out, but something bad happens, and you feel as low as you did, and hey! time to break out the razor again.
Don't start.
It doesn't help, it's dangerous, and when you start, it is a bitch to stop.
4428366 the idea of finding meaning is actually what got me out of my suicidal depression. I have super supportive friends and medication, but they only helped to a certain extent. But, then I found Ice Road Truckers, and it became my dream to be an extreme trucker, and especially to be on the show itself. It may sound silly, but it's true.
I love your stories Trick, I think they are amazing, and to learn that you've been surviving with such a serious illness is incredible, I know I've never met you, but I get the impression that you're an incredibly strong person. You take as much time as you need to rest, as you've been running a marathon with only one lung. We, the readers, will be here for you
You know we always Love you Trick, don't ever forget that girl
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I second everything he wrote in his second paragraph.
And when it came to me, and some of my worst depression... I was sponsoring a little girl in Vietnam. And whenever I thought how everyone's life would be better without me...I couldn't argue that hers...wouldn't. I was pretty sure my dad wouldn't continue the sponsorship if something happened to me. So it helped me hang on. I found Deplin and Wellbutrin have helped me significantly, as has Luvox. I'm on all three right now. And I have a goal, becoming a dolphin trainer, that I'm getting really close to, and it makes all the suffering--not so much from the depression, right now, but from my other illnesses--worth it, because I'm constantly getting closer... I also use a full-spectrum light. It's surprising how much that helps me. You've probably tried all of these, but on the off chance I can help......I decided to share. I found that positive thinking helped, too. Like, when you get the negative thoughts, correct them to positive and repeat them over and over. I think it took years, but I eventually started to believe them, even though for the longest time I felt like I was lying every time I said one of the positive statements instead of the negative. Again, you've probably already tried this...but I hate that you're suffering and that I can't do anything, and all I can do is offer ideas, even though, I KNOW, you've probably already tried them, and say I'm here for you, though I know we don't really know each other (at least, you don't really know me), and you probably don't want to start discussing stuff with a stranger. ...I'm praying for you. Hold on. You bring something positive into my life, at the very least. I may not have read all of your work, but what I HAVE read has been unique and thought-provoking. Just hold on. Take your writing break as much as you need; don't give up on life. I'm praying for you.
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*hugs tight*
I tried writing an autobiography/self-insert/transformation fic using this method a few months back. (I may or may not have been inspired to do so by the Writeoff version of Mission of Mercy.
) My fic would have been a slightly stylized story of my fall into and rise out of depression, with the ponies representing other people in my life. Ultimately, I found that the feel-what-you-write method was too emotionally taxing, and I was relapsing too hard to actually get anything accomplished. Back when I was still using that method, I had two playlists on my phone; I had an "induction" playlist and a "rescue" playlist. I would essentially induce a relapse by remembering back to high school and listening to music from "Induction." After my writing session, I would take a walk while listening to music from "Rescue." I found it worked with some degree of effectiveness at keeping my day-to-day and writing lives separate, but this strategy slowly became less effective and therefore more dangerous over time. One night when I was on a walk and had to cross a street. A car was coming and I thought to myself, "It really would be that easy, wouldn't it?" 
Had to shake my head and put conscious effort into planting both feet on the sidewalk to let the car pass. That was where I drew the line and said, "Yeah, I'm taking this too far." So yeah, don't do that. (On the plus side, I used that experience as a scene in my fic. Haven't touched it since, though. Maybe I'll pick it up again one day...)
Fair warning: This next piece of advice is probably going to seem kind of "out there." Have you read Horizon's Quiet Boy and Moon Horse? Well, I have some similar Horses in my life. I know they're not real, at least not in this particular plane of reality, but that's ok. They don't have to be real to change my life. Heck, they've already done that from the TV screen! Why not sitting right next to me as I type up this comment too? But seriously, I could point to my journal right now to a dozen entries where I've cried myself to sleep with a Horse by my side. They are companions to me, friends even. It hurts a lot less when you aren't alone. I'm not saying to go get yourself a half dozen hooved imaginary friends, but I am saying...
Ok, I guess that is what I'm saying. 
But I'm not saying you have to, only that as I look back in my journal, it seems to be working for me.
--Horizon
You might also pick up journaling. It's so rewarding to say, "Today was a good day," or "Today I felt pretty good about myself." The key is to be as honest as possible.
The more honest you are in your journal, the more fruitful it becomes. If nothing else, it's a way to vent your feelings and frustrations and, hopefully, chart progress over time.
Ordinarily though, music and a walk can help, at least for me. It was only that in my self-induced emotional mess that the music lost its effectiveness. I'm biased towards pony/brony music though. Since it's part of a bigger story, it helps me relate to something beyond itself. Show tunes are great; I've got several of those I routinely go back to. Some I like for the style/genre of music, and others for the message. Of course, there's also fan-made music. AcoustiMandoBrony's "Kindness" and "Loyalty" are old but good. "Snowdrop's Lullaby:" Now there's a song about a "useless" pony who finally found her purpose. "Past Sins: Main Theme" is a particularly calming instrumental piece about a filly who is trying to change, but feels held down by somepony she doesn't want to be anymore. Anything by BlackGryph0n and/or Michelle Creber and/or Baasik is also good, but especially "Here We Are," "Fighting Back," and "Getting Stronger."
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From what I can gather, your depression is coming, in large part, from your guilt. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) As for said guilt, I decided to refresh myself on "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep." I understand that the moral and the way the subject matter was handled were both controversial (understatement), so I decided to look up some reviews. Being a political "middle-of-the-roader" and a Mediator personality type, I pulled one from the left (Lily Peet) and one from the right (Joshscorcher). I found two reviews and three addendums all saying similar things. If you feel up to it, I'd strongly recommend you go watch them. (Heads up: There's a self-harm/suicide imagery warning on Lily's second video. Lily portrays the subject matter well, but the topic must come up if it's going to be properly addressed.) Josh's addendum video seems especially relevant, specifically the part starting around 8:24 during which the relevancy continues to build, up to and including Josh's "Episode Suggestions" segment.
I don't know why you think you're a bad person. For what it's worth, I certainly don't think you are.
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I don't think I'm a bad person, but the words, "I'm a bad person and I need to die" (among many other variants) pass my lips a couple dozen times every day. I have no control over this.
ECT was valuable because it showed me that I'm not actually insane after all. There's something wrong with my brain, and fixing that thing makes me totally normal (well, relatively speaking). If only it had worked in the long term...
I haven't read Horizon's story, but I need to. Either way, I'll look more closely at this comment later when I have more time and emo fortitude.
Thanks!