Critique Review: The Darkness of Love

Well, that was certainly a mortifying experience. I have no idea where I was, how I got here, what my human counterpart did in the meantime, but I’m sure it had to do with being stupid and shitting on my floor.

But the point is, I’m back to my own personal hell, yay. You can just feel my enthusiasm dripping from every orifice that you know of, and even some that you don’t, because I’ve just stabbed myself.

Cartoon pony here! I’m fine! I can have a piano fall on me and I’d come out of it with minor injuries.

Actually, now that I think about it… That image is a great example of how I feel when I read today’s story. Segways. They are my bitch!

I’m talking about a story called The Darkness of Love by Of all people, the Grim Reaper.

I’ve never been afraid of the Grim Reaper, but someone certainly is, because he asked me to tear apart his fic. I hope there are no Reaper-cussions to reading this fic. I certainly wouldn’t want it to bore me to ‘death’. I have no way to deal with boredom. Or should I say ‘mortem’!

… … … Let’s just start the review…

The air blew cold at the peak of the mountain, despite it being Summer.

I guarantee you that’s not the only thing that’s going to blow.

The story begins with a group of dragons just sitting around being lazy. I would make a joke about a certain librarian, but I don’t have all day. Another dragon appears from the forest with a filly caught in his claws.

And see if you can guess which filly from this line.

“We found this.” the yellow dragon replied. His friend tossed the pony along the ground, making her roll straight up to the leader who eyed her suspiciously. She wore a safari hat and clothing. She reminded him of the popular fictitious character, ‘Daring Do’, only the colours were off. This pony was orange with a purple mane and tail. This put the leader in mind of a chicken.

Okay, I have several questions, but we’ll come back to those in a second. Trust me, they’re good ones. You’ve probably already formed them in your head, but I’ll come back to them.

The dragons want to eat Scootaloo, but the leader says that she’d barely be able to feed them. So he asks them to let her go. The dragons disagree, but the leader says that he’s sick of listening to them and tells them to follow his orders.

However, Scootaloo recognizes the dragon. How you might be asking? Why? Isn’t it obvious? The dragon is Spike.

“Spike, is that you?” she demanded. All the dragons froe where they were, the white one raising her head.

Yes, I hope the dragons all get froed to death. By the way, this is a froe.

Proofreaders? What are those? Are those the thousands of thumbs up I have?

“Oh god, you’re not a pony-hatched, are you?” she asked. Spike’s eyes flashed green and red and a dark purple aura escaped from out the sides. His scales lost their shine and darkened.

Oh, so, Spike is possessed by a demon. Good to know. Does that mean this is the third Nightmare Moon character from the canon?

Scootaloo asks why Spike left Ponyville three years ago, but Spike says that it doesn’t matter. When Spike asks what Scootaloo is doing around here, wherever here is, it’s not made clear, and Scootaloo answers that she’s looking for her cutie mark. It also says that Scootaloo knew Spike for two years before he disappeared.

And she’s still looking for her cutie mark?! What the hell?! Even the series didn’t tease us that fucking long! I may not have seen the episode, but I had it spoiled for me! Spoilers, the Crusaders have their cutie marks!

And now those questions I had. Let’s start those, shall we?

1: Where the hell are we? It says we’re on some kind of mountain top, but it’s never given clear to how close the mountain is to Ponyville.

2: It’s been five years since Spike and Twilight came to Ponyville and the Crusaders still don’t have their Cutie marks?! What the hell?!

3: What the hell is Scootaloo doing there? Last I checked dragons didn’t exactly live near Ponyville! Sure, there was that red dragon (There’s a fan name for him, but I’m too lazy to look it up), but the show established how dangerous for them it was for dragons to be near Ponyville. Yes, there’s the green dragon in the Everfree Forest, but that’s the thing, it’s in the Everfree Forest, a place that ponies don’t normally inhabit! Sure, they go there from time to time, but not like it’s a vacation spot!

4: If this is some kind of dragon migration thing, what the hell is Scootaloo doing near a dragon migration?! Been awhile since I’ve seen the episode, but Spike travels for a long time following the dragons! Did she think her cutie mark would be on the other side of the fucking continent?!

Four big questions in the first chapter. I’m not even halfway through this chapter yet and trust me our next sentence has plenty of dumb. Apparently, Spike has grown a lot more since living in Ponyville and rather than, I don’t know, saying that he was growing naturally, this happens…

“A dragon’s growth rate matches that of his peers. Starswirl the Bearded recorded the growth rate of a dragon-hatched dragon, like the others I rule over, and a pony-hatched, like me. He stated that very quote in his book. In short it means when I’m around ponies, I age as fast as they do, when I’m around dragons, I age as fast as they do. Funnily enough, we reach maturity pretty quickly, but then the aging just slows to a crawl and we live for thousands of years. Had I been born around the same time as Princess Celestia and Luna, I imagine I’d have outlived them.” Scootaloo’s jaw dropped as she realised what he was saying.

… A dragon’s… biological growth… is based on who he is around?! … NO! NO! NO!

What the fucking hell?! Was Starswirl fucking high when he wrote that book?! That’s not how biology works, you fucking twat! That’s not even how evolution works!

Are you saying that if I go live with humans for a couple of years, I’ll start to develop fingers?! Or if a human being goes and lives with a bunch of giraffes, he’ll grow a long neck like them in a couple months?! NO!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

I can’t believe this story just said that! I really can’t believe that! There’s stupid and then there’s… well, there’s this! This is so stupid that there is not even a word invented for it! I mean… What the fuck am I supposed to take from this?!

That if I live with a bunch of turtles, I’ll live as long as they do?! Are you fucking high?!

What’s the follow up to this? If I jump off a bridge enough times, eventually my body will stop hitting the ground because I’ll know what the power of gravity is?!

If I eat enough cookies, eventually I’ll be able to shit out a perfectly cooked cookie?!

If kick myself in the dick enough times, I’ll become a woman?!

Scootaloo, clearly having left her brain back in the Rainbow Factory, is amazed by this… brilliant ‘science’.

“Maybe I should live around dragons. My lifespan would double then, right?” Spike laughed, bouncing Scootaloo up and down on his lap.

“It doesn’t work like that, Scoots. If anything, living around dragons will give you greys in your teen years.” Scootaloo whined as she leaned back into him, causing the dragon to laugh once more.

And why does it work for you, Spike? Because the author has clearly put himself into your shoes. That would explain so much, right? He killed Spike, ripped out his body and is wearing his skin. From now on, I’m calling the character Stanley.

So, Stanley tells Scootaloo to go back home and says to never come back for him again. I’m sure Scootaloo will not tell Twilight and the others what she saw and Stanley will never go to Ponyville again. It would sure make this story a lot shorter.

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, the Elements of Harmony (a term I still hate calling the main six to this day, but hell, the story calls them that ‘scientific name’, so I guess it’s okay) are preparing a picnic together. After a long winded explanation of why they can’t have nice things.

Back in Ponyville, the Elements of Harmony were planning out their day together, as it had been a month since they’d all had a coinciding free day on their calanders. Business with Weather control had kicked up this year and Rainbow Dash was busy directing the weather to her teams. The Library was busier than it used to be since Spike was no longer around to help. Rarity’s boutique had made a lot of sales in preparation for the Grand Galloping Gala, which they’d all received an invitation to. Fluttershy had become somewhat famous to the animals in the nearby forests and her aid was required on a regular basis for more animals than she knew what to do with. The Apple family had acquired another few acres to their property and tending those extra apple trees kept Applejack ‘busier than a beaver on a dam’ as she’d put it. And Pinkie Pie was focusing her attention on assisting the Cakes in Sugarcube Corner.

Seriously, what is the point of this?! It furthers nothing in the story. We never see this come back later! We never see this kind of situations again! Why is this even here?! Is it to show that the main six have jobs?! To show that Twilight is busy without Spike?! Why not do that in a scene with Twilight on her own and thinking about him or moved on or something?!

Whatever, they’re enjoying their picnic when suddenly Scootaloo is teleported back into Ponyville.

Yeah, apparently, firebreath doesn’t just send letters to Celestia. Firebreath can teleport ponies as well. … I wonder who volunteered to figure that out.

So, Scootaloo explains what happened when she was captured by dragons. At least, she attempts to, I don’t think the story is much help.

“Scootaloo, what exactly happened?” The orange pony began to recant her ‘Daring Do’ like adventure to her peers.

“Darling, that’s all very amusing but I doubt you’d be here if two dragons took you away.” Rarity called a fib.

And why is Rarity calling it a fib? Why is the story calling it a fib? We SAW it happen! We know it’s not a fib! Why did you call it that?! I know it’s supposed to be from the Main six’s point of view, but why did you show us that if you were just going to call it a lie?! Poor word choice, bro!

And Scootaloo lets it slip that “Oh, guess what? Stanley is alive!” until about halfway through the story! Wouldn’t you start with that?

Oh, and get this, this is funny. This is absolutely hilarious how stupid this writing is! It’s unbelievable! It completely hilarious!

Are you ready? Are you ready? Okay, okay. Here it is.

“It’s true. Spike’s the leader of a small group of dragons. He’s even got himself a marefriend… or maybe it’s dragonfriend. She looked a bit like you, Rarity.” Rarity drew back from the group and began to consider how this news affected her.

Oh, my god! My god! Okay, okay. Let me explain… Stanley is so shallow that… he purposely… PURPOSELY looks for a dragon that looks exactly like Rarity! Caring not for her personality. Who she is as a dragon. What her interests are. And he has the NUTSACK to call her his ‘girlfriend’?

Story? Do you actually have girlfriend? Story? Do you treat her the same way? Do you … make her dress up as Katy Perry? Do you make her wear a Lady Gaga mask while having sex?

That’s funny! That’s fucking hilarious! And what’s Rarity’s reaction to this?!

Priceless! Fucking priceless! God, this fic is stupid!

And even better is Twilight’s reaction to it. Take a look at this.

“What did I do? Have I been mistreating him again? I hate when I do that. No, I distinctly remember him smiling at me before he left, so he wasn’t upset with me… what could I have done? Did I say something that made him consider his life choices?” Twilight began to yell at herself as she worked in her mind what she could have done to cause Spike to leave.

Notice how Twilight is worked up about as much as if she’d given him the wrong order at the drive through? That’s because the story doesn’t care. It just didn’t care enough to make Twilight care about finding someone, who she had known from his birth! Became like a mother to him, a big sister to him! Someone who had repeated been told that ‘I couldn’t do this without you, Spike’!

And her reaction was…

“Eh, I really should make that up to him. It has only been three years since I saw him. I really should get on that sometime.”

Beautiful… Just beautiful… So, let’s see how much more stupid this fic can get.

So, after Scootaloo explains that Stanley has the powers of King Sombra, the ponies are pretty nonchalant about it explaining that clearly if Scootaloo is brought back safely, then delving into dark powers surely wouldn’t cause any harm. Because when dealing with demon magic, that always works out so fucking well!

I should also point out the dialogue in this. It’s very interchangeable with the exception of Rarity’s occasional ‘darlings’. Applejack, here, is especially bad. Could you imagine Applejack saying this?

“But at least we know that the dark magic hasn’t changed him.” every pony looked at Twilight quizzically.

“Do explain, Twilight.” said Applejack.

Do explain?! When the hell would Applejack say ‘Do explain’?! Was ‘What are you talking about?’ too in character for you?

Meanwhile, Stanley remembers from his past about how bad his life was when he left Equestria. I’m sure it will disappoint.

But first, what’s with the random capitalization on things?

Spike was finishing the morning dishes when he heard the call. Happily enough, he dried his hands on the wash towel and sped over to see what he could assist her with. She was on the Bookshelf ladder trying to manually pin up a streamer for the Hearth’s Warming Eve Party. She’d have done it with magic, had she not agreed to go in a Magic fast on the eve of the day.

Why is the word bookshelf capitalized? And why the hell is magic capitalized as well?! Is Bookshelf the name of the bookshelf? Or is it the God Emperor of All Bookshelves where he’ll kill pointlessly and threatened his subjects to do what he wants?!

During this time, Twilight falls from a height and hits her head, and rather than Stanley showing any kind of concern, takes a picture of her being clumsy and laughs at her for being a klutz. Ha, ha, ha, ha, she has brain damage now and can’t control her bladder anymore. Making fun of the handicapped is fun!

And Spike sends the photo to Princess Celestia who literally thinks it is so funny that she squirts milk out of her nose, while Princess Luna dies of laughter and Prince Blueblood pees himself as a result.

Heaven help Equestria if someone showed them an actual joke, it might be as effective on them as Joker Gas.

Actually, I’m down with that.

Hell, the joke is apparently so funny, that Applejack feared showing the photo to Granny Smith, for fear of her dying.

I’m not fucking kidding.

Applejack tried her best not to show her grandmother for fear she would copy Luna’s reaction and died as a result.

Wouldn’t that be ‘die as a result’? You’re not even putting effort into it!

And there’s big issue number 2 for this story, the humor! It thinks it’s funnier than it actually is! It gives us the joke of someone slipping on a banana peel and thinks everyone is going to get this reaction out of it.

Then apparently, Twilight beat Stanley with a fucking whip!

No! I’m not kidding! She beat him with a whip!

That night, after he’d received a flogging from Twilight who found out about the public debut of the scene to her friends, Spike settled down with Twilight, handing her a warm cup of coco.

Um… Has Twilight always beaten Stanley? Because, I sure as fuck don’t remember that in the show!

I looked up the fucking word to be sure. ‘Flogging’ means to beat or punish with whip or stick. Did you even look up the word before typing it? If I’m not suppose to assume that Twilight is beating Stanley, then why the fuck did you choose the word ‘flogging’?! Word choice! The power is yours!

Also, if Twilight is beating Stanley, he sure reacts to it with a mild ‘eh’. Is it common for dragons to be abused in Equestria? Is that why that dragon cried when Fluttershy threatened him because he knew she was going to break out the walking stick?!

He awakens from his dream and he and his crew are attacked by a group of griffin raiders. A group that has more fucking bird power than pigeons in WWII.

They get overwhelmed and kill the girlfriend of Stanley. Whatever the fuck her name was.

Oh, no. Don’t kill Stanley’s girlfriend. I needed a character to not give a shit about.

Seriously, why the fuck did you even introduce her if you were just going to kill her two seconds into the story? I don’t even think she got so much as a name before she was killed. So how the fuck am I supposed to give a shit about her? How the hell am I supposed to feel sad or angry when she dies?

The author sure doesn’t seem torn up about it by the fact that he doesn’t dwell on it, since Stanley is back in Rarity’s boobs and motorboating them in seconds. Of course, what would I expect from this level of writing?

“You’ll pay for this. I’M TRULY ANGRY… YOU SCUM!!!”

And for those of you who think, ‘Oh, surely there must be a mistake. No one would be stupid enough to actually have Twilight beat Spike as punishment.’ Well, viewers think again. Because we go to Twilight’s point of view to see this.

Perhaps it had been the flogging she’d given him for distributing those photos to her friends. No, he’d been laughing through the beating, using one of the pictures as a medium for his laughter.

Where the hell did this come from?! You fell off a tree?! That insinuates a beating?! You didn’t even beat him when he burned your favorite book and didn’t tell you about it?! Why the hell would Twilight suddenly decide to beat Stanley when nothing has been establish that she would do so?! And even if he did enjoy it, Twilight has shown concern for Stanley’s well being several times in the past!

The episode where Rarity was using him as a human pincushion and Twilight asked if he was really alright! She didn’t just ignore it because dragons are a ‘superior race’, that can easily be killed by a couple of fucking griffins!

Cough in a dragon’s general direction and it will probably spontaneously combust!

Twilight contemplates killing herself, but doesn’t dwell on it because the author doesn’t know shit about the subject matter and is just throwing it in there to manipulate emotions. Kind of like he did with the death of whatever her face was that Stanley cared about. God knows why. She had the personality of a fork. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t date my silverware.

Stanley arrives at Twilight’s house covered in blood and Stanley ends up messing up the throw rug as a result of him bleeding all over the place. As a result, I can pretty much guess Twilight’s reaction to this.

That was my favorite throw rug, you stupid fuck! Time to break out the whip!

Stanley collapses and Twilight starts to clean his wounds. But it’s okay, because Stanley now has an edgy as fuck scar over his eye.

“Looks like you’ll have a permanent scar over your eye. They say that mares like scars, but with Rarity, she might become that much more difficult for you to obtain.” she joked.

You're right though. Rarity is an actual character and would never fall for this Mary Sue. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant, MARY FUCKING SUE!

Twilight shows as much concern about Spike as she would if he was caught in a rainstorm on a particularly dreadful night considering that he’s bleeding all over the fucking place. Has this story never actually met another human being before? Have they ever been allowed to leave the 4 by 4 room that they have?

Because that’s the only way I can comprehend the unbelievably bad characterization. When someone shows up on your doorstep, bleeding and nearly dead, you don’t just brush it off like they stubbed their toes two weeks ago and their foot begins acting up.

But Twilight sure doesn’t give a shit and is just looking for an excuse to paint herself white and purple in order to get Stanley to fall in love with her. Spoilers, the two bang by the end.

And what is Twilight’s answer to dealing with a bleeding dragon in her living room?

“I’m glad you’re home.” she left him to his rest and returned to her own fresh bed. As she relaxed herself, she thought about what had just happened and she smiled. Her best friend had come home.

This’ll be one hell of a friendship report to Princess Celestia. she thought as she closed her eyes.

I’m sure the bleeding stab wounds will mend themselves in the morning. I’ve got a huge geometry test in the morning and I need plenty of rest for that.

There is no shovel big enough to stick up the Grim Reaper’s stupid fat ass!

But it turns out those bleeding stab wounds were attached to Spike’s body with peanut butter, because they’re completely gone in the morning. Oh, except for his totally sexy scar over his eyes, because cliche is best eh!

Remember when I mentioned the dialogue? Of course you do! This thing is dripping with bad dialogue choices like the grease off a cheeseburger!

It’s especially bad when you consider Stanley has been gone for over two years and left without saying anything and Twilight is supposed to feel badly about it. Well, the story says she does, but I don’t really buy it with dialogue like this.

“Morning.” she said in a cheery voice. He knew it all too well. It was the voice she’d use whenever she was nervous about something. It was obvious to anypony or anyone what she was nervous about.

“Morning.” he replied in a not so cheery tone. He sat up and leaned against the bed post as she placed the tray of food on his lap.

“How did you sleep?” she asked. Spike ignored the question at first, sniffing the contents in front of him. Clearly, nature had made him paranoid to an extent.

“Well enough… considering.” he took a few hay fries and wrapped his reptilian tongue around them. He then proceeded to pull them into his mouth where it closed. Twilight searched for any signs of chewing, but noticed none.

“Is everything alright?” she asked. Spike had torn the fries apart using nothing but his tongue, turning it into a few piles of mash as he constricted around the thin sticks. He swallowed, loud enough for her to hear.

“Of course not.” he said nothing else as he tried a gem next. A fire ruby, like the heart-shaped one he’d given Rarity was first on his list. He tossed the gem into his mouth and visibly chewed on it, more vigorously than necessary for a single gem the size of Twilight’s hoof.

JESUS, FUCK THIS DIALOGUE! This is what happens when you ask your five year old niece to write this shit for you!

“Spike, you should be in bed resting.” Twilight rushed over to him, placing her hooves on his shoulders. “You came in pretty badly last night. You need to heal.”

“I’m fine.” Spike brushed past twilight and sat where he once did. Like it had been second nature to him. As if nothing had changed between them. He picked up a gemstone and tossed it into his mouth. His teeth ground the gemstone into fragments.

“Spike, is something wrong?”

“Yes.” Spike was silent after that.

YOU SEE HOW THAT WORKS! I JUST MADE THAT UP!

Twilight realizes that Stanley seems a bit different than usual. Maybe that has to do with his growth spurt that she doesn't even fucking mention! Stanley goes off to shower the blood off his body, which Twilight just let dry on him all night. Thanks a lot, mom! Can you whip me too?!

Rarity stops by, presumably because they have plans today. Probably involves making fun of Stanley behind his back. Which I am very much against. I prefer making fun of Stanley while he hears the insults I throw at him.

Oh, and for the ‘outstanding’ humor in this piece of fuck.

“Are you alright, darling? You look positively distraught. Has that time of the year crept up on you?” Twilight blushed red and shook her head, messing up her own mane in the process, much to Rarity’s chagrin.

Ha, ha, ha! Periods are funny!

And then the story tries to make it seem like we don’t know who Rarity sees in the house, even though we already know who is in the fucking house!

“What in Equestria…?” The shower room door opened, catching Rarity’s attention. Her eyes burst out of her skull as she laid eyes upon… her Spikey Wikey.

Wow, now there’s a shocker! Who would have guessed that Stanley would come OUT of the shower when we saw him go IN the shower?! You are not good at writing!

“Twilight, you done goofed.” he said, thinking of nothing better that could soften the situation. Rarity broke her stance first, spouting gibberish to the tall figure before her.

I’m hoping that was a typo and Stanley is actually calling Twilight a ‘dumb goof’, because that would be more believable than trying to add a fucking meme to this thing!

Rarity shows that she missed Stanley, presumably because she liked having a pincushion around and Stanley acts like a complete asshole to her.

“Wh-bu-you… I-whe…How? When? I… Is that you Spikey Wikey?” Rarity was speechless at first and Spike cringed at the familiar nickname that he’d outgrown long ago. He turned his gaze upon Twilight who had hung her head in readiness for what she knew was coming.

“Yeah, it’s me. What of it?” Rarity was uncertain about the question.

What of it?! You left without a word, you dumb goof!

“I’m between homes right now. My visit is temporary. So let’s get one thing straight. I’ve no intention of coming home and picking up where I left off. I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to have anything to do with any of you. I’m just here to get cleaned up, heal my wounds and them I’m out of here. No amount of hay fries or gems can change that.” Twilight squeezed her eyes shut as she felt tears well up inside of her. Luckily, she was facing away from him so he couldn’t see. Rarity on the other hand was speechless and shedding tears visibly in front of him.

Well, I for one am happy Stanley is leaving, maybe then we can get a real character in this story. Like that dragon that I hate from the series… What was his name?

Get out of here, Stanley!

“That wasn’t Spike… that’s not the same dragon we know and love.

THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME! Why does no one ever listen to me?!

Stanley begins to wander the town wondering what his job title will be. Based on everything I’ve seen in this story. I’m guess he’ll have something to do with BDSM pornography.

“Perhaps I can assist Twilight like I used to in exchange for tenancy back at the Library.” He crossed his arms and thought the whole thing through.

“No, that should be a last resort. I’m smarter than that. Assistant Librarian isn’t a good enough job title for me. Ah, what do I care? It’s only temporary. Though I’d rather not spend the majority of my time around Twilight. I can’t afford to have her dissuade from leaving again.” Spike sighed and made his way to the Town Hall.

Dude, you think because dragons live with other dragons, they will grow faster. … You are not smarter than an Assistant Librarian.

“Why do they never improve upon historical landmarks? That clock should have broken before Twilight and I even moved here.” he said as he noticed the dusty surface of the clock’s face. He made his way to the front entrance, only to walk into Rainbow Dash.

Hmm… You know… You have a point Stanley. That Lincoln Memorial sure is stupid, isn’t it? I mean, what good things did that old fart ever do?! I’m thinking we should replace that with a statue of Kanye West!

And ugh… The Mona Lisa? That’s not real art! Does it have 13000 favorites on Deviantart? I thought not.

Stanley runs into Rainbow Dash, who reacts to this mess of a fucking twat with the most realistic reaction of them all.

To be fair, that’s the reaction I would give Stanley as well.

Stanley asks Rainbow Dash for a job with the weather team, but Rainbow Dash brings up the point that Stanley doesn’t have wings and it’s not like he can just grow them out of his back whenever he fucking wants I TAKE THAT BACK!

Spike closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Unlike when he fought the gryphons, his eyes didn’t change colour and the purple mist didn’t appear. His scales remained as reflective as usual. A pink aura like Twilight’s magic emerged around his chest and a pair of wings sprouted from his back. Rainbow Dash stared wide eyed as the wings flapped once.

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!

So, these demonic powers not only grant him the power to warp across space and time, not only make him go Super Saiyan 3, but now he can grow new body parts and make them disappear, if the inclusion of them would take away from his sexiness. You know, you are not very good at character building!

“Uh, I think you did it wrong. They’re… upside-down.” Sure enough, Spike’s wings were the wrong way around. The wing membranes were at the top and the wing joints themselves were at the bottom.

“No, they’re supposed to be like this. It works just as well as any other pair of wings. Plus it looks cooler.” he said, giving them another flap before folding them away. Rainbow Dash smiled.

“Now that I think of it, yeah, it does look cooler. Normal wings buck the world, right?” she mused. Spike chuckled and nodded.

“Buck yeah.”

And then he jump off a cliff and died, because this story doesn’t know what the word ‘aerodynamic’ means.

So, Rainbow Dash gives Stanley a job as a weather pony, something that is probably not in her power to do, but the story about a dragon who needs to befriend a bunch of multicolored talking ponies hasn’t been realistic yet. Why start now?

Stanley continues to explore the town as he wonderings which of the main six he will see next. Fluttershy? Check. Pinkie Pie? Not check?

To Spike’s surprise, Pinkie was nowhere in sight. He half expected her to bounce out of his bowl of gems that morning, or appear out of the shower head, being as weird as she was. Perhaps she mellowed? he thought as he stopped in front of Sugarcube Corner once more.

Which might be shorthand for, I don’t know how to write her character. Actually, I take that back… There is no ‘might be’.

He could feel his stomach rumbling as he’d interrupted his own breakfast that Twilight had made. As he thought back, he realised that he’d made a mistake. But it was no use looking back. He had to keep looking forward; focus on the here and now, and right now, he was hungry. He stepped through the doorway into the shop. To his surprise, Pinkie was nowhere to be seen.

You already said he was surprised not seeing Pinkie Pie less than a paragraph ago! Was that really necessary to repeat?!

God, even Frank Miller would be telling you to cool off on the repetition!

Stanley enters Sugar Cube Corner and encounters Mrs. Cake. And Mrs. Cake tells him about what happened to Pinkie Pie when she left.

“Oh… Spike? Is that you? My, you’ve grown. We thought you’d left Ponyville. Pinkie was pretty upset about it. She thought she’d done something to upset you. Her exact words were indecipherable, but we could tell she blamed herself.” Spike huffed with amusement.

Because people blaming themselves for something that isn’t their fault is apparently funny? Up yours, Stanley!

“I got back last night. It’s only a temporary stay. Thought I’d come and visit for old time’s sake.” he lied. Although he had wandered around the town for nostalgic reasons.

So, he wandered into town for old times sake, even though the story just said that he didn’t? God, do you even know what motivates your characters?!

“I think I’ll try… one of Pinkie’s cupcakes. The flavours have always agreed with me.” he replied.

That’s because they’re made of living flesh.

“Okay, I’m gonna level with you. I made a big mistake leaving in the first place, but I can’t just go back and pretend like nothing’s happened. I left to sort some things out in my head, but it was too late to come back. I’d made some friends and the whole thing got complicated.”

Mostly because the friends that he made were underdeveloped idiots who would only die as a contrived reason for Stanley to go back to Ponyville. You know, saying this out loud has really made me realize something.

…

…

This story is really fucking stupid.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s all in the past. I have plans for the future, and they’re not a part of it, much as I might wish they were.”

So, you want to be with them, even though you just said you don’t want to be with them? Is Stanley bipolar?! Or is the story’s writer just not very good at this?!

We then cut to Twilight’s home where the main six are discussing the problems with Stanley’s personality.

“I’m sure, AJ. Spike’s just… he’s outgrown us. Prolonged exposure to his kind’s ways have left him… distant toward ponies. He gave Rarity the cold shoulder, and we all know how he used to feel about her. She was right, that isn’t the same Spike we all knew.” All six ponies were sitting around in a circle, having heard the news from Rainbow Dash about his return.

He’s been gone for two fucking years! And from what I remember Stanley and Rainbow Dash were all ‘buddy-buddy’ when he went for his job interview!

Stanley comes back to the house and shows how much he really wants the characters to be a part of his life.

The six ponies looked at the dragon as he walked in. Spike noticed immediately that Twilight’s eyes were puffy, indicating she’d been crying.

“Been chopping onions, have you?” he asked. Twilight rose to her hooves and ran straight into her room, locking the door behind her.

“How can you be so cruel to her?” Applejack demanded.

“Buck you, that’s how.” The purple dragon smiled as the orange farm pony rose to her hooves, ready to charge.

Such a likable character.

And with this, Applejack does the only sensible thing any character has done in this story.

Ah can’t believe you hired this jerk. Ah’m goin’ home.” Applejack stormed out of the Library, dragging Fluttershy along the wooden floor. Spike grinned at the display and called out to the farm pony.

She fucking bails!

And our likable protagonist, whose actions we are suppose to support, has even more kind words to throw around our lovable characters.

“

Now that was very rude, Spike.” Rarity spoke up.

“Quite the keen eye you have there, for such a drama queen. But I wouldn’t expect less from a filly who plays dress-up with live ponies.” He began a sadistic chuckle as he opened the door for Rarity to run crying out of the Library. That just Left Pinkie and Rainbow Dash.

You are a dragon who is so shallow, that you purposely found a dragon who looked just like Rarity because your dick was cold. You have no room to insult anyone, you fucking prick.

“Well I can’t very well insult my boss, and Pinkie’s pretty much faultless, aside from the creepy ability she possesses of popping up wherever and whenever she wants…” As Spike searched for a fault Pinkie possessed that he could assault her with, she’d already begun crying and left the Library through the closet door.

Well, I think I found the two babies of the author.

“I don’t know what’s causing you to forcibly lose your friends, Spike, but I suggest you get over it. You may just end up an addition to the Princesses’ garden right next to Discord.” Spike grinned as she walked past him to the door.

“Are you sure the elements will work with hatred in their hearts?” Rainbow Dash paused and looked back to him. The truth behind his words surprised her.

I don’t know, I’m pretty sure they didn’t like Discord when they beat him the first time.

This is for the writer of the story, who clearly hasn’t seen the show before.

“Think, Dash. Use that brain of yours. It needs exercise just as much as the rest of you does. Twilight and I have a history that transcends all the years you girls have known her. Our bond is stronger than the Princesses’ bond with each other. She made me. And while Twilight’s will is unbreakable when it comes to protecting Equestria from danger, if I’m no threat to it or its inhabitants, then Twilight will not be able to go through with sealing me away like Discord. She can’t do that to Family; she doesn’t have that kind of resolve. The worst she can do is send me away, which isn’t that big a deal for me.”

Why do I feel like Stanley needs a dark cape and an evil laugh? Wouldn’t it make more sense if Stanley was the villain of this story?!

Twilight, having overheard how much Stanley hates her, decides she’s going to kill herself just to get out of this piece of shit fic.

“HOLY HELL! WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA ARE YOU DOING?!” he shouted at her, running to her side. He forced her down. Her body squirmed under him as he gently pulled the ceramic shard out of her hoof with his teeth. He activated his dark magic and growled at the roll of bandages that were in the emergency medical box in the drawer beside his bed. The roll came over, covered in a dark aura that flashed purple lightning and bubbled green. He forced it to wrap around her hoof and sealed it with a pin.

“What are you trying to do? Have you gone mad? What the hell was that?” Spike released her from his grip, but she just sat up and crawled into his arms, shaking like a scared little filly. Despite his wariness of the position he had been placed in, he held her. His mind raced with possibilities as to why she’d done this.

No! Just let me die! I’d rather be dead than be in this piece of shit fic! It worked so well in Mykan’s world!

And after Twilight tries to cut herself open like a baked potato, what is Stanley’s reaction to this?

“Don’t tell me I caused this? This is the last thing I want.” He looked down at Twilight, remembering all the times she had smiled at him, all the times shed played the role of big sister. Now it was his turn to play the role of big brother.

Damn, I’m stuck here now. I can’t leave when she’s like this.

To be a god damn asshat, that’s what!

‘Meh… I have to stay because Twilight cut herself and I don’t really like her, but I have to pretend to so that I can make MYSELF feel better…’ Oh, get the fuck off your fucking high fucking horse, you fucking god damn piece of motherfucking shit!

You do not give a fuck about Twilight or any of these characters. You fucking do not! Do not give me this ‘he cares’ bullshit! I have seen all evidence to the contrary! This is just another contrived reason for him to stay. This is not Stanley CHOOSING to stay. This is Stanley being FORCED to stay. There is a major difference between the two. Stanley is a reactionary character. Something bad happens, he reacts to it. He never DECIDES to do something.

He never DECIDES to make sure Twilight is okay. He’s forced into it. This is our protagonist. This is our main character. This is what our author thinks makes a good person. This is what our author thinks a good person would do. You’re bullshitting me right?

You’re goddamn bullshiting me, right?

And let’s not even get into a discussion of the sudden suicidal Twilight with virtually no build up. I realize those are hard things to see. Okay. I get that. I understand very well. Thank you very much. But… when dealing with this subject matter, you have to know what the hell you are talking about.

And I’ve got to tell you, right now. You fucking don’t. You have no idea. I realize it’s different for different people. But you have no idea what goes through someone’s head that is like this. That wants this. And this is an awful thing to want. To want to end your life, because you don’t think you have anything worth being here for. You don’t think you have any worth to you.

And maybe you do know what that feels like… It does not show. It does not show you have the slightest idea what goes through a person’s mind when they think of shit like this. You have no fucking idea. I’m sorry, this pisses me off when people use suicide as an emotional trigger to try and spark some kind of investment into the characters. As if to say, I don’t think I have the talent to pull off an emotional scene, so I’ll just write in a suicide and that will be gold.

No. Wrong. A suicide works in a story because of investment in the characters and respect to the subject matter. I have not been invested into the characters because I don’t give a shit about them. If a character from the show were to commit suicide, I would feel that because I’m invested in those characters.

I am not invested in these characters. They share the names of the characters from the show, but they are not. They are bland, they are boring, they are unintelligent morons. And I do not care whether they live or die.

So this ‘big emotional’ moment that is supposed to get me to care, it’s a fucking joke. A fucking joke. So, thanks for the laugh. Thanks for that.

Moving the fuck on…

So, Stanley stays with Twilight and the story tries to paint Stanley as ‘likeable’ but this is the guy who told Applejack to basically ‘fuck off’, so yeah, not going to be easy. Stanley explains that he stays because he owes Twilight and Twilight tells him all the reasons she’s horrible to him.

“What have I done? I’ve worked you to the bone, acted like a slave driver, used you in magical experiments, like with the moustache.”

Okay, one: No, you haven’t. Two: No, you haven’t. Three: He volunteered! I seem to remember this happening!

Clearly, this is a dragon in pain.

“Twi…I’m not staying. I’m just going to help you get back on your hooves as it were. When you no longer need me, then I’m gone. Nothing’s changed except for the length of my stay. I’m simply repaying a debt.” Even Spike didn’t believe what he’d said. His voice betrayed the sincerity of his words.

Something that Twilight is sure to want to hear considering her condition. After all, when a depressed person beats themselves up over something they did to someone else, the first thing they want to hear IS HOW THEY UPSET OR INCONVENIENCED SOMEONE! YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, STANLEY!

Stanley decides to leave Twilight alone for a while. I’m sure Twilight will be fine with a housefull of knife and zero distractions!

Don’t do anything stupid before I get back. I’d hate to have to explain this to your friends.” he picked up a quill and wrote on a small piece of paper.

I’m going out.

Will be back before

morning. Don’t do

anything stupid.

Spike

Why did you bother writing her a note telling her not to do anything stupid when you just said not to do anything stupid?! Also, Twilight should be taken to a hospital! She sliced up her hooves and I don’t think you have any kind of medical training, Stanley!

We then cut to Applejack who is mirroring the audience’s reactions to Stanley.

“Buck me? BUCK ME? That little shit thinks he’s invincible now he’s gone and grown twice my height. Well Ah’ll teach him. Y’all don’t mess with the Apple family and get away with it. Ah don’t care how Twilight feels about it, Ah’m gonna deck him the next time Ah see him. Ah don’t care if he feels it or not, it’ll be a great stress reliever.”

It would be a great stress reliever to see it.

But unfortunately, that never comes to pass. Even though Stanley is standing right there. Applejack attacks him, but Stanley tries to convince her to stop by telling her about Twilight.

“Hit me all you want after I’ve said what I came here to say.” he replied, sitting down where he was. This caught Applejack off guard, but she didn’t buy it. She charged him, fully intent to at least give him a lump. She reared her head forward and tried to ram him bull-style, but she heard a sigh before she was grabbed by the head and lifted into the air.

“Woah! Hey, put me down, that’s not fair now!” she yelled at him.

“Not until you agree to listen to me first. Like I said, you can buck me up till I’m black and blue after that.” he said. Applejack growled at him, but ultimately agreed to the terms.

She does not have to listen to you. You were a fucking prick to her! Even more than I usually am!

Also, this scene doesn’t have a point to it, except to show that Stanley can beat up Applejack.

Has more magic than Twilight? Check.

Stronger than Applejack? Check.

Only 4 more badges and you can enter the Pokemon League.

After Stanley subdues Applejack, he decides to insult her some more before getting to the real point of the conversation.

“I’m on a deadline here, AJ. Shut up and listen.” Applejack, though annoyed, complied with his request. With the silence eerie between them, Spike prepared his lie.

“As you well know by now, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind about any of you anymore,” he began. Applejack shifted in her place, itching to take a swing at him.

Hmm… I wonder how Twilight is doing with all this time wasting shit?

It was ‘bound’ to happen sooner or later. Guess she didn’t want to ‘hang’ around!

See? I can be a dick too!

“Fine. I caught Twilight trying to kill herself earlier tonight.” Applejack rose to her hooves and backed away

“W-what? No, she wouldn’t. Why would she try to kill herself?” Spike looked at her.

“Why do you think? I left her. I abandoned her. She’s obviously been talking herself out of it up until tonight. My coming back has made things worse, especially after I treated her and all of you like shit. I can’t leave until she’s in the right frame of mind. And I’m sure you want me gone as much as I want to go, but in order to do that, we need to work toge–.”

Oh, it’s always about you, isn’t Stanley? Because why would anyone else be important?!

And after Applejack asks him why he left, what does Stanley do?

“You’d rather hear why I left than hear the plan I have to save Twilight from herself? Maybe I should have gone to the Element of Loyalty instead.”

THE ONLY THING HE’S GOOD AT!

And then… Something happens?

And when I say something… I mean… I have no idea what happened…

Just… just read…

“You’re the Element of Honesty, not me.” he then proceeded to run away, prompting Applejack to chase after him. To their joint surprise, they both found themselves laughing as they chased each other through Ponyville, waking the neighbourhood.

“Uh-oh. Spike, we’re in trouble now.” she said, abandoning her goal and galloping alongside him.

“So we are. I think I hear one of them saying’ raise your torch and pitchforks’.” he replied, prompting a laugh from the farm pony. She looked back and yelped in surprise.

“Oh boy, they really do have torches and pitchforks.” The two picked up their pace and laughed together as they tried to flee from the tired and angry mob. Spike noticed what he was doing and barked a single laugh.

“What am I thinking?” he yelled out. Using his magic, he grew his wings, their structure reversed like before. He took to the air, hovering above Applejack.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, AJ.” he said, grabbing her from around the stomach. She yelped in surprise as she was lifted into the air. Not far, but their speed doubled.

“You might wanna hold on tight.” Spike said, turning her around. Applejack wrapped her hooves around his neck and her hind legs around just below the wing joints. Spike made a sharp left turn and flew straight for two blocks, then he made another left turn.

Okay… Just a few things I want to run by you, story… Here we go.

Number 1: Why the hell is Applejack all buddy-buddy with Stanley?

He just said that he doesn’t give a shit about them or how they feel and is only there to make sure Twilight doesn’t kill herself, despite him saying that he does not care about her in the least. And I know what you’re saying ‘Well, Stanley doesn’t really feel that way.’ Okay, assuming that I believe that, Applejack doesn’t know that.

She should still be fuming at him for being a selfish prick and saying the things that he does. The only reason she should agree to go with him is because she is Twilight’s friend and deeply cares about her.

Number 2: Why the hell is there an angry mob chasing after Stanley and Applejack for no reason?!

There is no indication of why an angry mob is chasing them. They don’t do anything illegal. They don’t provoke anyone. It wasn’t previously established that an angry mob was chasing them at any point in the story. Why the hell are we getting one now? What, did they break the trotting speed limit and Ponyville is just really strict about that?

Though I do admit, that would make this story a lot more interesting.

Number 3: Don’t they have a sick friend to take care of instead faffing about?

I seem to remember a certain purple pony trying to kill herself not even an hour ago! How’s she doing by the way?

And Number 4: What is the goddamn tone of this fucking fic?

It is all over the goddamn place! Does it want to be a serious drama about suicide and depression or does it want to be Pee-Wee’s Playhouse?! I don’t give a shit what your tone is, but for god’s sake, fucking pick one! You can’t just go from this big serious stuff like a suicide attempt and then, not even a chapter later, go for the ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ flying scene!

Spike awoke with a somewhat good feeling.

Teacher, can I get a new book? This story just told me something instead of showing me something!

“I won’t let you kill yourself, Twilight. No matter what.” he silently paced across the room, opened the door and closed it behind him very gently. He looked at the unkempt Library and huffed.

And then he murdered her.

“She really has slipped over the years. How could they not have noticed this before?” Spike frowned as he jumped off the ledge, landing next to the mug Twilight had abandoned the previous night. He picked it up and carried it into the kitchen. His eyes widened at the state of the place.

Maybe because the goddamn story is really bad about showing how she’s degraded and just instead decided to show the suicide attempt.

And that’s another issue I have with this story, couldn’t this story have been better if it built up the suicide?

Have Stanley notice how things were different with Twilight subtly, but he’s too wrapped up in his own world to immediately notice? Twilight’s friends tell him that Twilight’s be behaving oddly for the past few months/years? Stanley noticing and paying more attention to those changes? And then at the climax of the story have Twilight attempt suicide?!

Yes, I just wrote a better story in five minutes than this story did in 7 days. That’s how bad this thing is!

Stanley looks around the library before we get this line.

“What in the name of Celestia went on in here? It’s like Dresden.” he said. He stepped through the cluttered pile of rubbish that had collected and tried his best to avoid touching the mouldy dishes that were stacked to the roof. He heard something making pig-like noises behind the cupboards.

I assume you mean the bombing of Dresden in World War II. In which case, HOW WOULD STANLEY KNOW WHAT THAT WAS?!

Maybe my theory that this is a self insert is not as far off as you would think.

Suddenly, a creature attacks Stanley by choking him to death. Well, anti-climatic, but at least it was kind of satisfying to see Stanley get his commuffins.

Spike awoke once more, gasping for air. His sudden start roused Twilight from her own slumber.

Oh, wait… That was just a dream? What the fuck, story?! What was the point of that scene?!

Stanley wakes up for realsies and Twilight tells him to go since she was better off without him.

“Why’d you really save me? Clearly you don’t really care about me or the others any more. And there’s no need for you to stay, now that you’ve told everypony that I’m a danger to myself.” Spike didn't respond right away.

Again, she should be taken to a hospital! There are these things called ‘Doctors’! Fucking use them!

“I got the note. It was obvious why you left the Library in the middle of the night. Not to mention I heard you and Applejack running from the angry mob.” A small whine escaped Spike’s mouth before he looked away.

Thanks for explaining that plot hole after it became irrelevant. Mind telling us why that angry mob was chasing you?!

“Like it or not, you’re damaged. And it’s only gonna get worse after I leave… unless I help you return to your usual bookwormy self.” Twilight rose to her hooves and eyed him dangerously.

“Get out of here, Spike. Or I’ll–.”

“You’ll do what? Get that guy who can make me? What was his name? DJ Doesn’t Exist?” Spike laughed, sitting Twilight back down in her chair by force.

Here’s a hint, Stanley. YOUR BEDSIDE MANNER SUCKS ASS!

And this is the person you want in your life, Twilight?!

I’d sooner have Tirek suck out my soul through my butthole than put up with this asshat! Again, why does this character exist?!

“Eat your breakfast. I react differently when a meal I make is wasted. As for what I’m gonna do, I got work. If you don’t wanna see me again, then fine. I’ll be out of sight, doesn’t mean I’ll be gone.” he left the Library with an evil chuckle and took to the sky for Cloudsdale.

Yes, leave the suicidal pony alone in a house with nothing to distract her or keep on eye on her after you insulted her and called her ‘damaged’ as if she was some kind of product!

People with depression are not ‘damaged’. They are sick. And sick people need help. Depression is a disease. It is not ‘something is wrong with them’. They need doctors. They need medical, professional help. They are not someone to be mocked like they were a box of cereal under a bus tire! If this story does not end with Twilight putting a bullet in her brain for the way Stanley treats her, I’m going to call bullshit on this story!

Stanley goes to work and his boss is very impressed with his performance. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean the writer.

Spike wasn’t the quickest of the group, but he wasn’t the slowest. His size alone slowed him down and he wasn’t very aerodynamic.

Maybe that wouldn’t be a problem if you didn’t have wings that were upside down!

And remember that list of badges I had from earlier? Oh, boy. We are about to get another one!

“Hey, Coach. What’s your personal best?” he asked. Rainbow Dash grinned.

“Need you ask? I can do this in Ten seconds flat.” she said proudly. Spike raised his hand and stretched out his clawed fingers.

“I’ll beat you in five seconds.” he declared. The whole team, including Tank, dropped their jaws. Rainbow Dash just looked at him eerily.

“The day you beat me will never come, Spike. My speed is my pride and you won’t be able to take that from me. Not in a million years.” Spike casually hovered over to the edge of the field.

Faster than Rainbow Dash? Check.

Oh, I know it hasn’t happened yet, but … let’s face it, it’s a story I’m reviewing, you KNOW it’s going to happen. You just know it is.

Rainbow Dash gasped, her personal best divided by half.

See?

With Rainbow Dash defeated,

Oh, so this is a competition now. I see. This isn’t about making Twilight feel better about herself. It’s not about the person who almost killed herself. God, no. This is about a selfish, arrogant, egotistical, rude, self-centered, pompous, greedy, close-minded, vile, malicious, ugly, childish, unpleasant sack of snake vomit!

And that’s the nice way of putting it.

in order for her to continue training the others, Spike had to make the point that she was still the fastest Pegasus in Equestria.

Truly, he cares about his fellow ponies.

Rainbow Dash holds him back after work to ask him about why he’s still here, instead of going over to comfort the mare who tried to slit her hooves not a day ago. … Because that’s what you do when a person cries out for help, right? Ignore them until they sort it out themselves! God, I’m sure glad this story has an opening that looks like this.

Warning: Self-harm is described in this story. If you are prone to self-harm or know someone who is and feel uncomfortable reading about the subject, then I don't recommend reading the story.

Clearly, this story has a lot of respect for people with depression. If you feel alone and sad, and feel like nobody would miss you when you’re gone, you’re probably right.

Not true you say? Well, that’s what this story taught me.

And then the two fucked.

No. Not kidding. The two fucked each other later that night. A friend of theirs has probably hung herself by now and Stanley is off getting another gym badge.

Sexier than Rarity? Check.

Turning Rainbow Dash into a Xbox One achievement?

Check.

“IIIIIIIT!” he whispered as loud as he could without waking the seemingly satisfied mare beside him.

Whispered? Loud? … Do you not know what words mean?!

And what does dragon boy do when he wakes up? Does he apologize to Rainbow Dash to taking advantage of her? Of course fucking not!

Why would this character ever take responsibility for himself?! He hasn’t yet and the story has let him get away with it, so why the flying dutchman of a fuck would the story punish him now?

And how is Rainbow Dash with all this? Oh, get ready for this. Cause this is pretty funny. Okay. Ready? I hope your not a Rainbow Dash fan because you’ll totally be offended by this.

Rainbow Dash is the town slut.

Not kidding. Take a look at this.

“I did. And I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter. I sleep with Fluttershy all the time. Granted, you’re my first dragon, but you’re definitely not my first male. I’ve had rounds with Applejack, Big Mac, who is not surprisingly well proportioned. The first Grand Galloping Gala I went to with you guys, I had two of the Guards the night before we left. Then there was that Doctor guy who lives in the blue box, Cheerilee, all of the Wonderbolts who still won’t ask me to join, no matter how many times we do it in a full group. And… Oh, Derpy once or twice. She’s pretty good. Probably why I haven’t fired her.” Spike subconsciously began counting off the total number of partners she’d been with.

So… Let me get this straight… Rainbow Dash … not only runs around as fast as she apparently flies. Which of course, would never be as fast as Stanley, but she also keeps Derpy because of sexual advances. … Um… I’m pretty sure that’s against the law.

Yeah, different world than the real world, but… Let’s be honest, this author doesn’t live in the real world! I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the writing of some insane person who was born in an asylum who has never even been outside before and has had nothing to eat since birth but Sugar Puffs!

That’s how insane this fucking fic is! And it’s supposed to be taken 100% legit!

A sad, dark, romantic, slice of life. Not comedy. Dark, sad, slice of life.

What the hell kind of world do you have to live in for this to work?! Are you high?! You must have been on drugs! There’s no way a logical thought could possibly come up with something this unbelievably dumb! 1000 likes?! How?!

Just… how?!

And then… it gets even weirder… believe it or not…

Stanley brings up if Rainbow Dash has ever slept with Twilight. And Rainbow Dash, fucking open book that she is, tells him no. And then, Rainbow Dash responds with this.

“You know. I’m curious why you asked me if I’d done Twi. You didn’t ask If I’d slept with Rarity or Pinkie, you went straight for your oldest friend.” Spike cleared his throat, but said nothing as his brain worked a way around the subject.

“It’s just that… this whole thing with her being suicidal and everything… It’s got me thinking about her safety, so she enters my mind often, like now.” Rainbow Dash smirked at him and nodded.

“Riiight. Something tells me you’ve changed the direction your heart’s pointing. You’ve completely dropped Rarity and are going for the easier prey. Clever, but given the circumstances, it’ll all be in vain.” Spike growled low at her.

Yes, let's take advantage of the person we supposedly care for. I’m sure her feelings about how she is aren’t important as long as we can stick our dicks into any hole we fucking please. I’m starting to see where the dark in the story’s summary is. It’s how fucking bleak humanity really is!

And what’s the thing that Stanley does right after feeling guilty about fucking Rainbow Dash? Fucking Rainbow Dash some more.

I’m sorry, you already have this gym badge. You’ll have to do somepony else.

And then this happens…

Spike entered the darkened library with a smug smile of superiority on his face. The town bike really knew how to work him. Not like that stupid dragon bitch he had been with before. She didn’t know how to please him. Not like Rainbow Dash did.

As he flicked on the light, his mouth dropped.

A rope lowered down from the support beam above the table where Twilight used to read her books. At the end of the rope was a noose. In the noose was the purple figure of Twilight Sparkle.

Her eyes were wide open as if they could see Spike, but they didn’t blink. The light had been cut out from them for some time. A chair laid on the ground near her body, it’s back pointed towards the floor. There were tear stains on the wooden surface below her. They were nearly dried up, but even from the door, Spike could see them. Her mouth hung open.

Spike slowly approached her, putting his claw to her mouth. Not a single puff of air. That moment erased any doubt.

“Good, I thought the bitch would never do it.”

Honestly, would you be surprised if that was what the story actually did?

No, the story pulls another Twilight didn’t REALLY commit suicide bullshit. Frankly, I wish she did, it’d make the story shorter!

No, instead she gets high off drugs, so we can laugh at her. People on anti-depressants are funny!

I’m skipping most of the chapter because it’s all one big Big Bang Theory gag that is drawn out about five times longer than it needed to be and stopped being funny about five chapters ago.

Stanley tucks Twilight into bed when…

He brought his face closer to hers, his own scaly lips brushing against hers. He kept his eyes on her closed ones to make sure she didn’t wake. It would have been difficult to explain to a fully functioning Twilight what he was doing with his face so close to hers. He could taste her breath as she sighed in her sleep; the smell of marshmallows was fresh on her. He curled her top lip with his own. He was so close. With his free hand, he clenched his fist, hearing the sound of his knuckles crack. He reared his head back slightly, freeing her lip before he drew it closer again and…

And then he raped her.

What, Princess Molestia got 1000 likes and that story is nothing but rape.

Okay, he doesn’t actually rape her. Give the author some credit, he hasn’t crossed that line yet.

Spike berates himself for getting close to her. That didn’t stop you from getting close to Rainbow Dash twice in one night. Pinkie Pie arrives in her usual Pinkie Pie manner.

“I know why you left, Spike. It’s so obvious, I’m surprised nopony else has figured it out.” she gave him a kind-hearted smile.

“What do you mean?” he asked. Pinkie scoffed at him.

“You of all people should know that I’m not as… silly as I seem, Spike.

Translation: I am the guy who made dragons grow larger just by being in close proximity to another dragon. I don’t give a fuck about this story.

Pinkie Pie says she knows why Stanley left, though she does love dancing around the fucking subject for at least 17 paragraphs.

And then Pinkie Pie tells the audience what the author really thinks of you.

“I’m saying, this isn’t just about you, Spike. This is about all of us. You’re scared to reveal why you left because you’re afraid of what we’ll think. We’re your peers, Spike, we always have been. And Twilight is to you, as Celestia is to her… to a certain extent anyway. I know the truth about you Spike. But you don’t have to worry about me spoiling the ending. I made a promise a long time ago not to interfere with this sort of thing. It was a Double Pinkie Promise, Spike. I’m just here to perhaps enlighten the smarter readers, and confuse the buck out of the dumber ones in this story.” Spike looked around himself.

Well, I’ll give the author this much. He’s at least self aware of how much he sucks.

By the way, just because you said “This story sucks”, it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks!

“Nevermind. I’ve done my job. You won’t hear from me until the ending. But is it at the ending of this story? Or perhaps the next? Oops, Spoilers!” And with that, Pinkie was gone. Spike was left there, more confused about what she’d just said than he was about his own personal dilemma.

If I don’t read a sequel to this story, does that mean it doesn’t exist? Not sure, but I ain’t about to acknowledge it, either way!

Pinkie Pie leaves, presumably to be in My Little Avengers to explain the plot, and Twilight wakes up. Stanley bitches at her and they talk about what happened in the last chapter. Seems easy to pump out stories like this, when all you do is recount what happened in the previous chapter!

But it turns out that Stanely does really care about his ‘friends’.

“You never stopped caring about us, did you Spike?” The young dragon sighed and shook his head.

“No. But I’m still gonna be a total ass hat though. It’s kinda fun.” Twilight laughed, looking back to the tray.

And I’m going to keep calling your fic a giant pile of dog shit. What? It’s kinda fun!

We cut to Rarity, who is crying because she realizes that all you need to do is paint yourself purple and white and Stanley will want to fuck you. When Sweetie Belle appears to explain the entire plotline to the audience who are Pinkie is quoted as saying ‘dumb readers’.

“He’s…not cruel by nature. I think he’s trying to make you all hate him. I don’t know why, but I think I’d do the same thing if I were in his… do dragons wear shoes?” Rarity looked at her sceptically.

Thank you for explaining that to me, Sweetie Belle. The problem is HE’S TOO FUCKING GOOD AT IT THAT THE AUDIENCE HATES HIM TOO!

But, Pinkie Pie said that this will enlighten smarter readers. Which clearly I am one of the dumb readers, because I’m confused about why she’s explaining the plot of the story. Or maybe it’s just because I’m confused why the author can’t spell ‘skeptical’.

Stanley and Twilight arrive at Rarity’s place where Rarity instantly forgives Stanley for calling her a no talent hack. Not the correct words he used to describe her? Like it makes a fucking difference! The guy's a complete asshole no matter what!

Want to see why? Here’s why!

“You’ve had plenty of chances to get it good with me. You could have responded positively to my expressions of love for you, you could have denied me from the very beginning. Instead, you dragged me along. You made me believe I had a chance with you, you used me and dropped me back into Twilight’s care at the end of the day. Granted, you rewarded me with gems and the like, but they weren’t what I wanted in the greater scheme of things.” Spike removed one foot from the ceiling, revealing the holes he’d left behind, then then dug into another part of the roof, which made Rarity groan.

“I’ll admit, I was young… er. A baby dragon, I can see how that wouldn’t make for a life partner. But if you simply said that you’d wait for me to grow up, I might have waited for that. You know when you ask somepony something and you get an answer that doesn’t make any sense? It was kind of like that with us. You see, I’m grown up now. But because you didn’t give me any sign that you’d wait for me… well look where we are.” He released his grip on the roof and landed on the ground with his hands. He spread his legs and flung them around in a dual-roundhouse kick before pushing against the ground to land on his feet.

Rarity and the others stared at him with awe.

“I’m stronger, faster, and more powerful than you. Your love for gems could have been requited, what with dragons being natural collectors of such things. But you’ve lost it all because you didn’t say four little words; ‘I’ll wait for you’.” He’d strolled up to Rarity and was now in his face. She was speechless yet again and Twilight was having a hard time getting the image of Spike humping the ponnequin out of her mind. Sweetie Belle had emerged from the kitchen with drinks for everypony.

“Oh yes. We discussed your sex life briefly afterward. It had to be brief because there wasn’t much of a sex life to talk about regarding you. You can try Rarity, you can try so hard to make yourself look pretty for the Stallions, but once they get a load of your dried up old prune of a pussy, it becomes public knowledge that you have the sex appeal of an aardvark.”

Okay, one. You were a baby dragon. She was a young adult! You had a school boy crush! And you were a fucking child that would possibly grow out of it on your own!

Two. Rarity lead you along because she actually fucking liked you! Maybe not as a lover, but certainly as a good friend and someone she clearly fucking cares about!

Three, you blame her for not wanting to fuck a baby dragon?! There’s a word for that, Stanley! It’s called ‘petrophila’!

Four, the story does not state that he was a teenager or a young adult when he left. He was a baby dragon. Still! It had only been 5 years since the show had started and two years since he left!

Did Stanley fucking skip childhood? Was he breastfeeding one minute and the next minute he’s growing facial hair? With this story, would not surprise me one fucking bit.

Five, you come to her house and insult her by telling her that she will never be loved by anyone because she’s ugly? All while jumping around like you’re goddamn Spider-Man dancing on a hot place and you’re the bigger man? And we’re supposed to cheer you on for that? And we’re supposed to support your ‘crusade’ to save your honor from a woman whom YOU left?! She didn’t leave you! You left her.

Bottom line, the only person you have to blame is you.

And this story, of course, has it’s characters… instantly… IN-STANT-LY… forgive him. Despite him calling them whores, killing their children, burning their houses down, eating their souls, ripping out their eyeballs, using them as yo-yos to entertain a group of schoolkids while shooting anyone that doesn’t laugh at his jokes… And they still sing songs of praise. They are out in the street parading his name and talking about how great he is and how wonderful he is that he would do that to them in order to protect them.

Fuck off!

This story wants you to feel for this character, but it is literally impossible. It is literally impossible. There is no way that this story could change my mind about this character being evil. Evil. Evil is the word I am using to describe this motherfucking asshat.

I’ve seen some bad mary-sues in the past. I’ve seen them insulting other characters before but they have never been the parasite that is this character.

And if you cannot see the problems I have of why I hate Stanley so fucking much… I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.

Let’s just continue on, because I want to see where this … ‘brilliant’ character study goes.

Twilight makes a comment about Rarity being suicidal.

“Spike! Stop now. Keep that up and she’ll be suicidal too.” Twilight gave Spike a bemused look, which he caught instantly. The dragon leaned closer to Rarity, his head beside hers and he whispered into her ear.

Which Stanley of course thinks is funny.

Spike remained by the front door, listening to the conversation that ensued afterward. His plan had been thwarted yet again. Being an asshole was starting to become redundant.

Don’t worry, you became redundant about 10 chapters ago!

Stanley find himself on the roof of the Apple Family Barn three days later. Turns out that the Apple Family wanted to charge him rent for that, but Stanley just beat them and stole their possessions

When suddenly a letter falls into Stanley’s lap that is addressed to Twilight. … Why the fuck would it appear in front of Stan… You know what, we’re two chapters to the end.

It turns out that it’s the letter that will save Twilight. … Yep. One letter. One letter will cure Twilight’s depression.

No kidding. Really?! That’s it! Just one letter will change her entire outlook on herself, on her self worth, on what she’s accomplished, on what she’s failed at, on what she struggles to forgive herself for, on what she is proud of, on how she looks at her life and the meaning she has to it.

One letter will fix all of that!

… Okay, I’m curious. What is the message? What is the all knowing, all-wise easy answer to solve depression?

”Oh my gosh! I’m going to have a baby sister!” she cried out, hugging Carrot Top who looked up from her gardening book.

My god… The answer was right there the whole time… The answer that people have been looking for all their lives! People have been wondering what has been going through people’s mind for years when they have to deal with this! But… this story figured it out…

I mean… Who would have thought that the only thing that would cure depression was… a sibling. And not just a sibling… a new sibling. I mean, we all know that Twilight has Shining Armor, but honestly what has he ever done for her?!

No. It can’t be an existing sibling to show any kind of support. It just can’t. That will never cure depression. A person who has known you your entire life and might be able to talk to you without you feeling uncomfortable.

No. It takes a new born baby in your family. Who has no idea what depression is and probably won’t for several years down the road. BUT … they will be born.

Hear this people with depression, go to your mothers and tell them to fuck every man they can find. They need to get pregnant as quickly as possible! It’s the only way you can truly be cured of depression.

Those doctors with their physiological studies?

Fuck them!

Those support groups where you can discuss your feelings with others going through similar tragedies?

Fuck them!

The support of a loving family and good friends that want to see you with them and don’t want to see you in pain?

Fuck them all to hell!

The only thing that can cure you is a newborn baby!

This story… has enlightened me…

Stanley is a fucking moron!

So, Twilight, after hearing the news that Stanley told her, so Stanley technically saved by telling her information that her family would have told her anyway even if he wasn’t there… It makes no sense to me either… We get Twilight talking to Rarity about what it’s like to love Stanley. I would post quotes about it but honestly, I’m fucking spent on this fic and frankly we haven’t had enough pointless bullshit in it.

Want to know what I mean? Well, be ready to be amazing at how brilliant the writing for this is.

Remember those griffins back in chapter 1 that was in exactly one chapter and then was never mentioned again until this point. Well, it turns out that it’s 2 chapters from the end, so we better shoehorn them in as quickly as possible.

What? You wanted them to be in the story constantly making them a constant threat around Stanley and the others? Making them completely relevant to the story and not just some bigger jerks to make the big jerk seem like the lesser jerk by comparison?

Well, that’s because you weren’t jerking off during the big brainstorming meeting.

Celestia appears in Twilight’s library to arrest Stanley. Turns out that Stanley broke a treaty between the griffins and the ponies by attacking griffins that were attacking him. … Yeah… That makes no fucking sense, story.

I feel like this story is a level 100 Magikarp that only knows splash. Yeah, it’s level 100, but it offers you nothing as a player and just something I have to trudge through as your opponent.

Maybe if it actually breed with a good story, it might turn out a good story. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Celestia explains that Stanley was pony born as a dragon and that makes him one of us. Thus that’s the reason why the treaty with the griffins was broken. … How the griffins would possibly know that, I have no idea.

Was he… wearing a T-shirt?

Oh, and of course, Stanley decides he doesn’t want a lawyer because he’s played so many Phoenix Wright games, he knows how the law works. He ends up mocking the Griffin King, which of course, no judge would dare hold him in contempt.

And then when Celestia says that she would sacrifice him to protect her subjects and her kingdom, a responsibility that clearly is the wrong choice, what does Stanley do to her?

“Y-ye-.” Celestia was cut off. There was a loud crack as Spike’s clawed foot collided with her face. There was an audible gasp from everypony in the court as Celestia flew back into her throne, which wasn’t strong enough support the force her body made against its back. Luna leaned away from the broken throne, her eyes wider than the plates she often ate from.

Stanley slaps a bitch!

And Stanley, literally, declares war on the Griffin King. Because I guess he has the power to do that now! Sure, why not?

And what’s Luna’s response to this rash, arrogant, selfish, egotistical, dick measuring contest?

“My apologies, your highness. But the treaties dictate that under circumstances such as this, when a dragon, pony-hatched or not declares war on either of our species, the other is to refrain from aiding in order to preserve the pride of the one at war. Those were the conditions your great grandfather signed with Celestia four hundred years ago following the war between our species. As today’s urban youth pronounces it; ‘you’ve made your bed, now lay in it’.” Luna said. Some members of the royal court had gathered their heads after the fiasco with Spike and had verbally acknowledged their agreement with Luna’s decision.

Sending thousands of innocent ponies to march in Stanley’s name to their death. Thousands of stallions, mares, colts and fillies being brutally murdered alongside one another. Parents being ripped from their children because they need the extra horsepower. Griffins invading a pony controlled village and slaughtering the stallions, mares and children that live there.

And why?

To prove that Stanley is better than anyone.

Being better diplomatically than Celestia? Check.

Congratulations, you have earned all 8 gym badges! You get to go to the Elite Four of Go Fuck Yourself!

Finally, last chapter.

After a group of Griffins attack Twilight and her friends, and then try to rape them. Told you the story wasn’t above that.

But thankfully Super Saiyan God Form with Rice Cakes Stanley comes and I’m not even kidding here… Wipes out the entire Griffin Empire single handedly!

You know what? I’m not even mad. I’m not even mad. This is the kind of pretentiousness that I expected from this story. I’m not even surprised this story took this route. Why? Well… I’ll tell you why.

No. I’m not going to finish the rest of the chapter. Story’s over. I don’t give a shit if Stanley and Twilight end up together. I don’t give a shit if Stanley is made the god of all the universe and everyone comes down from the heavens and from the depths of hell to bow before him and worship him as the new lord and savior.

I don’t give a shit when Lauren Faust comes up to Stanley and tells him that he is so great and so wonderful and his character is so inspiring that she is going to make him the new main character in the My Little Pony Generation 5.

She had this other idea about a pony who has a social anxiety that causes her to stutter around other female ponies because she’s actually a lesbian, but is afraid to come out and say it because she’s been shunned by her parents all her life when they discovered her life choice.

But no… This character… Who is rude to his friends, is uppity about it, is extremely violent towards people for no good reason, is immature, who takes advantage of women, who is misogynistic, thinks depression is something to just scoff at, thinks suicide isn’t that big a deal, is completely shallow, insinuates a war because he doesn’t like someone, that ends up killing hundreds of thousands of people because of it… Is the character Lauren Faust wants.

I don’t give a shit about what happens next.

This story is fucking garbage.

I’ve read many, many stories that have just been bad. There have been fics that I have just questioned from beginning to end with what the hell was going on.

This was the first fic that I actually felt insulted. I felt insulted to be a brony. I felt insulted for being a person. I felt insulted for my love of storytelling. I felt insulted for my love for good character development. This fic just leaves a sour taste in my mouth that may take a long time to get out.

It’s main character is an abomination against all living things. The only thing I could compare him to would be a hungry shark in a SS uniform with a cute baby seal dead and bleeding in it’s mouth.

He is just completely unlikable. There is no challenge to the character. Nothing he has to overcome. Nothing that changes him and nothing that will provide him with any sense of achievement.

And in that moment, the story erases all possible care you could possibly have for the character. I don’t care about a character who doesn’t struggle to overcome challenges. I care about a character because of their struggle. Of them getting knocked down and getting back up and becoming better because of it.

This never happens with this character. He is never defeated or bested at anything. He’s just… the best and that’s it. There’s no journey to this character. There is no trial. There is no weight to his struggle and because of that there is no story for this character.

The story claims that he’s going through some kind of character arc, but I just spent 12 chapters and 30000 words with this character. And I can safely tell you, he doesn’t. He never changes his ways. He still treats his friends like garbage. He still is as arrogant and pompous as ever. He still treats other with contempt if they don’t agree over which flavor of Ice Cream is the best.

I have a suspicious, unresearched feeling that this character was originally intended to be an original character. Someone who the author made by adding himself into the character. But he couldn’t figure out a way to make it work without doing a ton of remodeling of the entire story.

So, instead, the author said “Wait a minute, Spike is a male. And he’s a main character. Who cares if his personality in the show doesn’t reflect him ever making the choices that my character would make? By making him Spike, they can’t say he’s a Mary-Sue because he’s a well-rounded character.”

Spike in the show is a well-rounded character. He’s not my favorite, but he’s an actual character. This … atrocity is not a character. This is a tool. A tool to be used for the author’s self-glorification. And it shows. My god, does it show.

Aside from making his character the ultimate being in the universe that no one could ever challenge, it simultaneously makes all other characters useless in the process. The other characters are portrayed as stupid, ugly, flawed, helpless, vile, corrupt, two-faced, and bitter. It’s as if the story needed to make others helpless to make his character more powerful.

Which makes no sense because, he’s already more powerful than the entirety of the Griffin Empire put together. It’s just another tool that was used to make his character more than he had any right to be.

The story is incredibly weak and all over the place. It has a group of dragons die for seemingly no reason. Just as a weak excuse for Stanley to come back to Ponyville and befriend everyone. The reasons that the characters forgive Stanley are awful and not realistic. It was as if the writer couldn’t figure out how to forgive a character this horrid and so he just decided not to try.

“It’s too hard. Can’t do it. Too hard.”

Maybe if it’s too hard or forced to do, it’s probably not a good idea to do it anyway. A story should feel natural with characters reacting as they would in a real world. I would not be surprised if the story has never met another real person in their life.

Because the characters don’t react like normal people. They act like they are just tools to make the main character better than he should be.

And then there is the callousness towards the incredibly sensitive topic about depression and suicide.

These are not subjects that you tread on lightly. These are real world subjects that affect a lot of people everyday. Sometimes people can make it through the day without thoughts of suicide, other times it’s all they think about. And touching on the subject matter can trigger an emotional response in some people.

It’s that sensitive a topic.

So, to see this story bulldoze over it with a fleet of rampaging elephants without giving a second thought to the people who might be suffering from such things, really makes me want vomit up blood.

I understand there is a warning at the beginning of the story telling us that this is in the story. And while I do appreciate that, I cannot and will not ignore the utter lack of respect the story has in dealing with this topic and those who have to cope with it every single day.

And the sheer audacity that the story has in making it incredibly easy for Twilight to get over her depression is the final insult to this pile of disrespectful drivel.

And that was my review… of … this.

But… now… it’s time to put it all to rest.

That’s it…. I’m retiring.

I’m done.

***

Critique started for the door. It was time. He was ready. Placing his hoof on the doorknob, he opened up the door and took his step outside. Another step. And then another. The library was behind him.

He raised his head and gave a sigh. The weight he had been carried would surely be lifted off his shoulder, freeing him of the burden he had carried for over two years. Two long years. Fic after fic, sue after mary-sue. What was it all for, he wondered. As he looked up to the clear sky above him, Celestia’s sun shining down on him like a spotlight, he silently asked his question.

Why would I continue?

“Because you make a difference,” a high pitch voice said. He turned to his left see a pony, peeking his head out of the bushes. He was a bright pink pony. He had poofy white hair that had a comb stuck in it in a tangled web. A smile across his face. His eyes glazed over as if he had been on something. “Because what you do affects people. Maybe not a lot of people, but more than one. And isn’t that what you’ve always. Isn’t that why you’ve always started this from the start?”

“You really think I make a difference?” Critique asked. He took a step towards the pony. “Everyday I read horrible fic after horrible fic, bitching endlessly about it. My constant complaining can’t possibly do anyone any good.”

“Oh, no?” the pony said, tipping his head to the side. “How about when an author whose story you insulted enjoyed the review and said it brightened their day?”

“Well…”

“Or how about the author who now looks at his work more carefully because of what you’ve reviewed?”

“I just…”

“Or how about group of people who now have the courage to review more fics just because you started it?”

“... Really? I… did that?”

“And more… You may never know what kind of positive impact you have on somebody’s life? A simple hello? A simple ‘How are you today’? It can save lives. Even something as silly as your rage filled reviews can have a positive impact on someone’s life. Maybe it will be in their writing, in their own reviews, or perhaps even in their own lives.

“You could not possibly understand or fathom who you might affect if you continue or the people you won’t reach if you stop. Maybe you’ll never be Doctor Wolf or Ink Rose. Maybe you’ll never be as influential as any of the big names. But you never cared about that. You cared about storytelling, about writing, about literature, and about people. And you said that if you could make one person happy with your reviews, than that alone made it worth it.”

“So… I shouldn’t stop?”

There was a pause. The pony leaned forward. The leaves shuttered as he moved. “Do you want to stop?”

“No.”

He didn’t even think about it. The words just escaped his lips. It felt right. No. It WAS right.

“Then don’t. But there’s another half of yourself you need to address first.”

“What that pompous windbag who writes me?”

“Yes. That’d be the one.”

Critique scoffed at the idea. “Okay. I’ll talk to him. Thanks, … um… I’m sorry, who are you?”

“My name is Actually.”

Critique raised his eyebrow. “Actually what?”

“Actually Fredrickson.”

“So your name is Fredrickson?”

“No, it’s Actually.”

“Actually what?”

“Actually Fredrickson.”

“So your name is Fredrickson?!”

“No, it’s Actually.”

“Actually?”

“Yes.”

“So, your name is Yes?”

“No. It’s Actually.”

“Actually what?!”

“Actually Fredrickson.”

“What is this an Abbot and Costello routine?!”

“Regardless,” Actually took a breath, “Go to him. Talk to him.”

***

Joshua Wayman sat at the table in his ‘writing room’. It used to be his family living room, but with the changes in his household, it had been changed into his private writing spot. Where … he could write pointless jokes like that scene you just read.

He say typing this sentence when suddenly.

“Yo! Asshat.”

Joshua turned to see the green pony with raven hair, glasses and a long purple scarf dangling from his neck. Joshua took a breath. “I’ve been expecting you.”

“No, shit. You’re the fucking writer.” The pony moved across the room and sat down on the leather brown couch that had seen abuse over the years. It showed in the rips at the seats. The right side of the couch had a large gash where you could see the stuffing protruding from it. “So, let’s talk about you.”

“Nothing to talk about.”

“Don’t give me that shit. You’ve been putting off writing reviews. You love reviews. And you want to know why?” Josh said nothing. “It’s because of your passion. You have a passion for writing and it’s only getting stronger every day. You want to continue this because it not only makes other people happy, but it makes you happy.

“This has been very therapeutic for you. This is what caused you to keep going when life got hard. There were days when you wanted to do yourself in, but you didn’t. You didn’t because of the review. Now, you’ve gotten to that point where you don’t need the review to feel better. You can do it on your own. And because of that, you’re probably confused.

“This is a feeling that you’ve haven’t had in a long time and you probably think you can’t do it any more. But how did you feel writing THIS review?”

Josh took in a breath through his nose and exhaled from his mouth. He looked away from the Critique. His mouth open as if it was ready to speak at any moment. “I loved it. It felt... Like putting on an old sweater that I loved.”

“And I’m glad. For one, I get to curse at the top of my lungs again.” Josh gave a smirk and chuckled. “But there’s something else you want to talk about. I realize you’ve been going through a hard time.” Critique rolled his eyes. “How could I not notice I vanished for 3 months?!”

Joshua looked down at the computer screen wondering what to write next. Anything to distract him from the past 3 months.

“But you’ve been dealing with this longer than 3 months and while therapy and your family have helped, it’s time to talk about some issues that you are afraid to address. Some things that you have bottled up so tightly and cause you a lot of grief. And maybe by sharing your feelings of what you’ve been through and what you continue to go through, maybe you’ll be able to not only help others who are going through the same thing, but also help yourself better confront those things.”

Joshua sat motionless, as if absorbing every word. He leaned forward and put his hands together. A deep long sigh escaping his mouth. He looked at the computer screen, but did not see it. He looked past it. Seeing what issues he’d have to confront, things he’d have to talk about that he had done in a room with a doctor or with other patients, but not with the internet. He leaned back in his chair and sighed. “If you and I are going to do this… We need to work together.”

“Agreed.”

“Bi-weekly reviews. If the stress gets to me like I did before I may need a few days to recover from it.”

“Fine.”

“On the off weeks, I’ll talk about my depression and what I’ve been through. Maybe we’ll both be able to help people.”

“Fair. But one last thing… You make me appear more.”

“What do you mean?”

“Use me to get some ideas on paper. Make them random. Make them insane. Come up with a scenario and just write me around. Something to get you back into writing. Maybe you can make them crack fics or something.”

Josh was silent for a moment. “I have been neglecting my own writing. Maybe this is a way I could get writing again.” He looked away for a moment. “But what if it’s crap?”

“Of course it’s going to be crap. But isn’t what you’ve always been saying is, you’ll write crap before you write something good. And you’ll only write something good if you write enough crap.”

Josh thought for a second and nodded. “So… we square?”

“We’re square.”

***

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And I’m back!

Comments

[iowaforever]

Woke up and found this waiting for me. I instantly forgot I slept poorly last night.

Let's begin.

This put the leader in mind of a chicken

He only speaks in clucks. We tried to reason with him, but he laid an egg and ran after some corn.

So he asks them to let her go.

37.media.tumblr.com/18901f25139347103d36e32deafdf22e/tumblr_n1zi5rWB2V1r7b6cio1_500.gif

The dragons disagree, but the leader says that he’s sick of listening to them and tells them to follow his orders.

See, this is why Democracy sucks; you have to listen and consider every idiots opinion before you can make a decision.
Of course, other forms of government are worse, but what can you do?

By the way, this is a froe.

I... honestly never heard of that. I was going to make an afro joke, but this is much better.

Where the hell are we?

Definitely not space, I can tell you.

That’s not how biology works, you fucking twat! That’s not even how evolution works!

True, but if you are around a bunch of orks you will eventually turn green and get taller depending on how much ass you kick, because the orks believe the boss is the biggest and the greenest, so their latent psychic field kicks reality in the balls and makes it so.
I doubt that's what the author was going for, but it's the best explanation I've got.
Though if what the author was saying is true, Spike would be a bit smaller than Twilight and a reasonable size/age to woo Rarity without being seen as "creepy" on either end.

He killed Spike, ripped out his body and is wearing his skin. From now on, I’m calling the character Stanley.

So... does that mean there's another Spike running around named Stanford?

Seriously, what is the point of this?!

Padding?

Firebreath can teleport ponies as well. … I wonder who volunteered to figure that out.

He had a name, but as of now we just call him "Ash".

I hate when I do that. No, I distinctly remember him smiling at me before he left, so he wasn’t upset with me… what could I have done? Did I say something that made him consider his life choices?

Um... I really don't like this.
I was going to say something witty and creative about it, but... my God, Twilight comes off as a neglectful idiot here. I know she has her moments, but she never just forgets when she's been mean to Spike. It just feels... wrong.

Because when dealing with demon magic, that always works out so fucking well!

Well, he hasn't summoned any yet, and his head hasn't exploded, so I guess there's no need to worry.

Do explain?! When the hell would Applejack say ‘Do explain’?! Was ‘What are you talking about?’ too in character for you?

I would have just gone for "Pardon".

Why is the word bookshelf capitalized? And why the hell is magic capitalized as well?! Is Bookshelf the name of the bookshelf? Or is it the God Emperor of All Bookshelves where he’ll kill pointlessly and threatened his subjects to do what he wants?!

"You were not re-shelved in alphabetical order?! TRAITOR! BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL!!!"

Then apparently, Twilight beat Stanley with a fucking whip!

No! I’m not kidding! She beat him with a whip!

....
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... No.
No.
No no no no no no no.
... no.
This... this isn't...
Words cannot describe how angry I am right now. It's just... no.
... I better move on.

“You’ll pay for this. I’M TRULY ANGRY… YOU SCUM!!!”

I am angry. Rawr. Rawr.
Is good acting, haaah?
Your tearing me apart, Lisa!

Twilight contemplates killing herself, but doesn’t dwell on it because the author doesn’t know shit about the subject matter and is just throwing it in there to manipulate emotions. Kind of like he did with the death of whatever her face was that Stanley cared about. God knows why. She had the personality of a fork. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t date my silverware.

I see why this story ticked you off so much. Why can't people just do some bloody research before writing their stories.
One of my favorite stories on this site right now is Crystal's Wishes. It tells the story of a hopeless romantic OC and her adventures through Canterlot (which don't draw in Twilight and Co., so bonus points for that). Part of the way through the fic, the Changeling Invasion happens, and she and her friend are able to fight off a few Changelings trying to break into the friend's shop.
All is well, right? Wrong, she actually starts suffering from nightmares and panic attacks because of the experience, and probably would have gotten more PTSD related issues had she not sought out help. The traumatic experience affected her, changed her character, and was actually well written, not just tossed in for shock value and sympathy points. And don't even get me started on what happened when her love interest nearly got killed in the line of duty against some Griffons.
Tragedy must have impact. To do otherwise is an insult to those who have experienced pain and suffering.

But Twilight sure doesn’t give a shit and is just looking for an excuse to paint herself white and purple in order to get Stanley to fall in love with her. Spoilers, the two bang by the end.

i.imgur.com/FHPDCfG.jpg

This thing is dripping with bad dialogue choices like the grease off a cheeseburger!

And not a good one; the crappy ones that you buy at McDonald's.
Wait, those are as dry as a hockey puck...

“That wasn’t Spike… that’s not the same dragon we know and love.

THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME! Why does no one ever listen to me?!

I listened!

God, even Frank Miller would be telling you to cool off on the repetition!

Either that, or he needs to be more like Batman! He needs to be hard, hard! Like Batman's abs!

“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s all in the past. I have plans for the future, and they’re not a part of it, much as I might wish they were.”

"Conquering the world and declaring myself Emperor of the Living and the Dead has no time for friendship. I'm sure they will understand once I've added them to my dead people collection."

And let’s not even get into a discussion of the sudden suicidal Twilight with virtually no build up. I realize those are hard things to see. Okay. I get that. I understand very well. Thank you very much. But… when dealing with this subject matter, you have to know what the hell you are talking about.

And I’ve got to tell you, right now. You fucking don’t. You have no idea. I realize it’s different for different people. But you have no idea what goes through someone’s head that is like this. That wants this. And this is an awful thing to want. To want to end your life, because you don’t think you have anything worth being here for. You don’t think you have any worth to you.

And maybe you do know what that feels like… It does not show. It does not show you have the slightest idea what goes through a person’s mind when they think of shit like this. You have no fucking idea. I’m sorry, this pisses me off when people use suicide as an emotional trigger to try and spark some kind of investment into the characters. As if to say, I don’t think I have the talent to pull off an emotional scene, so I’ll just write in a suicide and that will be gold.

No. Wrong. A suicide works in a story because of investment in the characters and respect to the subject matter. I have not been invested into the characters because I don’t give a shit about them. If a character from the show were to commit suicide, I would feel that because I’m invested in those characters.

I am not invested in these characters. They share the names of the characters from the show, but they are not. They are bland, they are boring, they are unintelligent morons. And I do not care whether they live or die.

So this ‘big emotional’ moment that is supposed to get me to care, it’s a fucking joke. A fucking joke. So, thanks for the laugh. Thanks for that.

reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/slow_clap_citizen_kane.gif

“You’re the Element of Honesty, not me.” he then proceeded to run away, prompting Applejack to chase after him. To their joint surprise, they both found themselves laughing as they chased each other through Ponyville, waking the neighbourhood.

“Uh-oh. Spike, we’re in trouble now.” she said, abandoning her goal and galloping alongside him.

“So we are. I think I hear one of them saying’ raise your torch and pitchforks’.” he replied, prompting a laugh from the farm pony. She looked back and yelped in surprise.

“Oh boy, they really do have torches and pitchforks.” The two picked up their pace and laughed together as they tried to flee from the tired and angry mob. Spike noticed what he was doing and barked a single laugh.

“What am I thinking?” he yelled out. Using his magic, he grew his wings, their structure reversed like before. He took to the air, hovering above Applejack.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, AJ.” he said, grabbing her from around the stomach. She yelped in surprise as she was lifted into the air. Not far, but their speed doubled.

“You might wanna hold on tight.” Spike said, turning her around. Applejack wrapped her hooves around his neck and her hind legs around just below the wing joints. Spike made a sharp left turn and flew straight for two blocks, then he made another left turn.

Teacher, can I get a new book? This story just told me something instead of showing me something!

Here you go.

Rainbow Dash is the town slut.

Gee, haven't seen that one before

“Good, I thought the bitch would never do it.”

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Not even Mykan is this insensitive. There, I said it. Another thing that Mykan is better at than some writers.
This... This is the point where I lost all hope for this fic being any good. Your best friend appears to have killed herself, and all you can say is "Wow, what a surprise", like you'd been taking side bets on what would happen?
This is sick. This is wrong. I'm not sure if I ever want to read anything that this author wrote. He could present me with the greatest piece of literature since Tolkien and I would still ignore him, all because of this scene.
... let's finish this now.

I’ve seen some bad mary-sues in the past. I’ve seen them insulting other characters before but they have never been the parasite that is this character.

I have to agree there.

It turns out that it’s the letter that will save Twilight. … Yep. One letter. One letter will cure Twilight’s depression.

No kidding. Really?! That’s it! Just one letter will change her entire outlook on herself, on her self worth, on what she’s accomplished, on what she’s failed at, on what she struggles to forgive herself for, on what she is proud of, on how she looks at her life and the meaning she has to it.

I don't think it works that way...

Sending thousands of innocent ponies to march in Stanley’s name to their death. Thousands of stallions, mares, colts and fillies being brutally murdered alongside one another. Parents being ripped from their children because they need the extra horsepower. Griffins invading a pony controlled village and slaughtering the stallions, mares and children that live there.

And why?

To prove that Stanley is better than anyone.

Empress!Celestia at her worst wasn't so callous... I like to think, anyway.

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. And I’m back!

And we're happy to see you again.

The bit with Actually made me laugh. It's so rare to see good humor these days, and I look forward to seeing more in the future. And everything else (well, besides the crapfic you had to slog through) was great as well.
Welcome back, Critique. Welcome back

[Prak]

Man, I've missed these. Reading your demolition of that piece of garbage makes me want to get busy reviewing again.

Also, I can't tell whether it's intentional or not, but that bit at the end reminds me of this:

[spideremblembrony]

4169116
4169020
It's good to be back.

That bit at the end was heavily inspired by the NC. But I felt like I ought to let other people know that this is kind of what I need to do. Talk about the things I've gone through and hopefully help some other people that are going through it or have gone through it. I don't know if I'll make a difference, but I have to try.

[Crack-Fic Casey]

[Alchemystudent]

I’m talking about a story called The Darkness of Love by Of all people, the Grim Reaper.

I don't know what is making me happier, that my Wednsdays are fun again or that you made your come back with this fic that I loathe so much. So first off, Welcome back, great to see you again my long lost friend. You had to lose so you had to win again

Trixie: Did you just welcome him back by quoting an Elton John song?

Yeah...and? That song is awesome and is a great way to reflect and love your life!

Now, lets get to skewering this, because I had actuallly listened to this live read before.

And she’s still looking for her cutie mark?! What the hell?! Even the series didn’t tease us that fucking long! I may not have seen the episode, but I had it spoiled for me! Spoilers, the Crusaders have their cutie marks!

This is where I start to bang my head against the wall. Even the worst Spike (Blessed be his name) fics have the sense to give the Crusaders their marks after a few years. This fic seems to think that they are so stupid, that they will never get their mark.

If kick myself in the dick enough times, I’ll become a woman?!

That depends...are you 25 and have you found yourself with a cutie mark?

Yeah, apparently, firebreath doesn’t just send letters to Celestia. Firebreath can teleport ponies as well. … I wonder who volunteered to figure that out.

Well, there was that Enclave soldier.

Wow, two fic refences in the same review, I am out of touch.

So, after Scootaloo explains that Stanley has the powers of King Sombra, the ponies are pretty nonchalant about it explaining that clearly if Scootaloo is brought back safely, then delving into dark powers surely wouldn’t cause any harm. Because when dealing with demon magic, that always works out so fucking well!

Oh Celestia, I forgot this part. Just...Why!!!!! What,didn't think being a scientific anymoly was good enough, we had to ruin Sombra too?

Also, if Twilight is beating Stanley, he sure reacts to it with a mild ‘eh’. Is it common for dragons to be abused in Equestria? Is that why that dragon cried when Fluttershy threatened him because he knew she was going to break out the walking stick?!

You know, why do Spike (hallowed be his name) do this? They act nlike Spike is doing this against his will, when he isn't/ They act like he has a horrible life doing chores, when he doesn't. What did I have a horrible life because I helped my family around the house for no pay? He can walk anywhere he wants, be friends with who he wants, and does what he wants. If that is slavery then chain me up!!!

4169020

I am angry. Rawr. Rawr.
Is good acting, haaah?
Your tearing me apart, Lisa!

And here is my addition.

"I WILL NOT BE Lieniant!!!"

But Twilight sure doesn’t give a shit and is just looking for an excuse to paint herself white and purple in order to get Stanley to fall in love with her. Spoilers, the two bang by the end.

I'm not the only one who sees the problem with this ship, right?

THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME! Why does no one ever listen to me?!

Because the last time I did I got stuck reviewing all of season three of Starfleet is magic. That wasn't fun!

Because people blaming themselves for something that isn’t their fault is apparently funny? Up yours, Stanley!

This was one of the big reasons why I wanted you take care of this pos. We are supposed to agree with Stanely, we are supposed to find his antics noble, heroic, and likable. Except, they arent, they are detestable!

She fucking bails!

It's odd, normally in bad fics its Dash who is the pony I agree with.

Think, Dash. Use that brain of yours. It needs exercise just as much as the rest of you does. Twilight and I have a history that transcends all the years you girls have known her. Our bond is stronger than the Princesses’ bond with each other

Really, your little bond with her is better than two sisters who have been through hell together? Who fought Chaos together? Listen here you miserable whelp and listen good. The elements need friendship to work, not you, not a single mare, but frindship. And trust me, if you step out of line, there is nothing stoppint the elements from sending you punk ass to the sun!

Yes, I just wrote a better story in five minutes than this story did in 7 days. That’s how bad this thing is!

But you actually care about the story

And then the two fucked.

Why did I read that like the Cinema Snob

I hope your not a Rainbow Dash fan because you’ll totally be offended by this.

Trust me, this fic offended me long ago

1000 likes?! How?!

Very simple. 1) This is a Spike(Hallow by thy name) fic, and you know how Spike fans are. 2) This was written around MMC, and with Twilight commiting near suicide, those haters needed a release, and 3) shipping!!!

After a group of Griffins attack Twilight and her friends, and then try to rape them. Told you the story wasn’t above that.

Andof course, this is all Luna's fault becauses she is an idoit who wants to protect a monster. I hope he enjoys the kill count!!!

This was the first fic that I actually felt insulted. I felt insulted to be a brony. I felt insulted for being a person. I felt insulted for my love of storytelling. I felt insulted for my love for good character development. This fic just leaves a sour taste in my mouth that may take a long time to get out.

You know, i almost feel bad for making you suffer through this abomination...almost. Because the jokes were top notch in my opinion and fun to be had.

You know, laughing like this, having fun, reminds me why you made Weds fun. It wasn't just the enjoyment or the laughs, but because I felt like I had another friend who likes o riff bad fics. IT was fun to enjoy and laugh at a good joke. Sure, they weren't always reviews I read but they were still fun.

Guys like Critic and Linkara, they are always going to be there. But guys like us, who want to say what a good fic is, we're rare, and its fun to see another guy just riff a fic to shreds like this.

So welcome back, and...

I should warn you...

The sequel gets insane and stupider.

How does a scene where Celestia has Twilight kidnapped to fight the big bad that the heroes were going to fight anyway sound? Oh and Spike becomes Bahumut, because reasons

[Legendbringer]

Just reading the ending quickly reminded me why I love a good riff. IT isn't just because it makes me laugh, but it helps me. Everytime read a riff like this, I make a note of what went wrong with a story and what not to do. TYake this for instance, when I read it I remind myself "Ok, work on making sure the reader has an emotional connection with Pinkie before I hurt her."

I am weird, I read every comment, look at every post and every joke. When I see an insult to a fic, I remind myself that it is something to look out for. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. this is why I am grateful to have awesome guys like you out there.

[CodenameWA]

For a combination of exhaustion, lack of anything really big to say, and not having a surplus of time to make a witty string of comments about this fic, I'll just say this. This review has been a nice return and an exercising of the demons of my early FIMfiction days when I thought this was good. Fun Fact, this fic (along with "For the Ones We Love" by FlimFlamBros) is what got me to start writing in the first place.

It's great to see you getting back into the swing of everything.

PS: I didn't even think of it until you brought it up, but holy shit. No wonder it was a mess. It was done in a fucking week.

Even my first fic, which I think of as a cringe pile at the moment despite what some people say, took a month to do. Just Jesus Christ.

[inum76]

You can just feel my enthusiasm dripping from every orifice that you know of, and even some that you don’t, because I’ve just stabbed myself.

You know I did see once that bloodletting is used to help cure one of some medical symptoms, but I am not so sure this is what they meant.

Though some years ago, even if one had a medical degree they were not so smart. I mean one cure that someone came up with for a thing they called a nymphomaniac, was to have leaches suck blood from the clit of a woman, or to just cut the clit away completely. Those were some of the dark ages, sadly it was not all that long ago. Maybe only 400 years ago I think. o.0

Cartoon pony here! I’m fine! I can have a piano fall on me and I’d come out of it with minor injuries.

Sadly, one can still die if others no longer remember you, much like Freddy. Though many people try to immortalize themselves thought some means to keep others remembering them, by such things as great deeds, like destroying other civilizations and having monuments erected in one's honer.

Great deeds I said, ones that get oneself remembered, not necessarily just good deeds. I mean who gets remembered best? People like Gandhi and Dalai Lama? Or those like Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Alexander the Great?

Not sure where I am going with this.
So moving on.

Proofreaders? What are those? Are those the thousands of thumbs up I have?

So that is your secret. I don't have any of those. Can't seem to get any either. Proofreaders I mean, Oh' and the thumbs up.

Good thing I am not trying to competing with anybody on getting thumbs ups. Hell I'd loose badly, even to the story Derpy's Finest Hour by four times, with each of my stories combined.

At least not one of my stories, or even combined is anywhere near as disliked as that one. That is one small consolation, considering that the writer written it with the intent that be be greatly disliked.

I know I keep bringing that story up, but damn, that was one bad story.

… A dragon’s… biological growth… is based on who he is around?!

Well, it is about as logical that a dragon would grow to an adult in a matter of hours, or minutes based off his greed, as shown in the cartoon. And lose it in just seconds once he looses that greed. It is one very odd thing they did in that cartoon. One of the many, that is.

Firebreath can teleport ponies as well. … I wonder who volunteered to figure that out.

I think Twilight might give it a try. You know, for science. And a means to see Celestia in person faster.

Oh, yes. She can teleport. So no need for her to test that, unless for the sake of science!
I can see that Twilight will have a bone to pick with spike about it after though.

Twilight: "Spike, the results are conclusive. It seem we can't travel in that way without some complications."

Spike: "Twilight! Is that is really you?"

Twilight: "Well, yes Spike. But don't you worry. I think I can make this new look work for me. And I am sure I will be a big hit during Nightmare Night."

Spike: "But Twilight, how is this even possible? I mean you're, you're all bones!"

Twilight: "Not sure Spike. I think it has something to do with that fact that my talent is magic and an ever living alicorn."

Spike: "But Twilight, You're not an alicorn anymore. Look, you don't have any wings now. What happened to them?"

Twilight in her form did her best to give spike a scowl. "Spike! Do you think I have all the answers? I would not have even tried this if I did."

“Eh, I really should make that up to him. It has only been three years since I saw him. I really should get on that sometime.”

Now I know, I have not always put Twilight under the best light as the best of thinkers, even thought she is suppose to be. But this???
How could I do this?

Applejack: "Twilight, have you seen spike around? I get this funny feeling that he is not among us anymore."

Twilight: "Who? I have not the foggiest notion who you are talking about."

Applejack: "Twilight, did you and spike have another fight again? Is this why you are acting like you don't even remember him? That is just down right foalish. Even to try and pretend such around me. You should know better."

Twilight: "Honestly Applejack. I have no clue who you are talking about."

Applejack: "Darn it Twilight! Spike! Your little dragon assistant. Remember him?"

Twilight: "Oh' yes. I did have one of those, didn't I? That was about three years ago I think. I should think about getting myself another one. He was so useful. At times I swear I did wonder what I ever could do without him. These past three years, I guess I have been finding that out. I still should think about getting another one though. And hopefully one that is female."

Applejack: "Now why would that be important that your assistant be female?"

Twilight: "Simple. So her mind is more on the tasks that I give her, rather than on Rarity."

During this time, Twilight falls from a height and hits her head, and rather than Stanley showing any kind of concern, takes a picture of her being clumsy and laughs at her for being a klutz. Ha, ha, ha, ha, she has brain damage now and can’t control her bladder anymore. Making fun of the handicapped is fun!

Sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh at that. Well, as sad as that last statement is.

Reminds me of a another such bad joke I saw once.
Even if you manage to win at the special olympics, you're still a retard.
Damn, that is one bad and cruel joke.

Also, if Twilight is beating Stanley, he sure reacts to it with a mild ‘eh’. Is it common for dragons to be abused in Equestria? Is that why that dragon cried when Fluttershy threatened him because he knew she was going to break out the walking stick?!

After seeing what parts of this story is like, and a lot of odd fan fic animations, I could see Fluttershy going Darth Maul on that dragons face with some kind of huggy nature stick she might pull out of nowhere.

"Now I will show you the full power of the Dark side!"
"Then my feisty dragon, you will die."

YOU SEE HOW THAT WORKS! I JUST MADE THAT UP!

Yes, I see how that works, I think.
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/24837028.jpg

Twilight realizes that Stanley seems a bit different than usual. Maybe that has to do with his growth spurt that she doesn't even fucking mention!

I was wondering about that.

To be fair, that’s the reaction I would give Stanley as well.

Also seems to be the train of thought of the one who came up with the song he sang on the show while asking the others to imagine that the changeling he befriended had changed. That song was so sad as to how poor it was.

I know not all the songs on the show can all be of full greatness and something one might wish to remember and possibly sing when board enough to. But that song was weak. I felt next to nothing while I listened to it.

The saddest part about that is, I actually liked that episode some. That is, despite that the episode completely forgot that they had a somewhat friendly changeling around already during Cranky and Matilda's wedding. It was not hiding itself, and Cadence and Shining Armor were both sitting near by to it, and thought nothing of it at that time. Or so it seemed.

Nothing about that was said during that new episode where Spike found a friendly changeling.

I would about give that episode the thumbs down for those two things alone. Some how, I still liked the episode just the same. Perhaps I am one who is just that too darn easy to please.

A pink aura like Twilight’s magic emerged around his chest

For a second I thought Spike (I mean Stanley) was going to give Rainbow Dash a care bear stare and make Dash care to have him on the team. By now, I would not be all too surprised if he did.

"Silly dragon. Only Fluttershy has a mind bending stair on this show. And it don't come from her belly or chest."

Actualy now that I think of it, it be more funny if Dash was blasted by an Iron Man unibeam out of his chest, just for not letting him join the weather team.

"What the hay Spike! What did you do that for?"

So, Rainbow Dash gives Stanley a job as a weather pony, something that is probably not in her power to do

Possibly not. But the show does not say either, and I did much the same in one of my stories when two Pegasi came to Ponyville looking to join the weather team. I had Dash be the one who made that decision.

Was it right? I would ask in kind, who the flip would really know aside form the writers of the show? For all any but them would know maybe Mayor Mare is the one who decides such things. Or she is officially supposed to, but also may leave it up to Dash to decide on such things so she doesn't have to.

For this much alone, I would just go with it. But that is just me.

You already said he was surprised not seeing Pinkie Pie less than a paragraph ago! Was that really necessary to repeat?!

And is something I desperately need to still work on myself.

My Dad, haven been in the Marine Corps as a gunnery sergeant, I am afraid has drilled it into me to repeat myself in as many different ways, just to be sure the one you are talking to can fully understand just what you are saying to them.

A lecture from him on how to close a door the way he may want you to, can (No JOKE!) last up to two hours. Oh' the hours of hearing the same thing, over and over!

Because people blaming themselves for something that isn’t their fault is apparently funny? Up yours, Stanley!

Truly! Stanly is quite the insensitive jerk in this story. Though who can blame him, with all the floggings he got wile growing up under Twilight?

God, do you even know what motivates your characters?!

Sex tends to motivate some in many other stories. However I am not too sure if even that is any kind of motivation in this story.

Parts of it seems to suggest it, but looses focus on that shortly before much thought of it can be given, to even be enjoyable. And I don't mind the occasional romp fic stories. Some with AJ and Dash are fun. This story, not so much yet. It could use a shameless sex scene to liven this up, just a tad.

This is what our author thinks makes a good person.

Sad to say, but the wold over is full of such people. I see it often enough just from where I work alone. Not that working people who are at a labor job are ever really happy people, but still.

So many don't show that they give a shit about one another. They don't need to. You know, unless something real bad happens like a person breaks something, or has something else bad like that happens to them, then some might show a sliver of sympathy for a short moment. Just so they don't look like the total jerks that most of them really are for not doing so at that moment. That moment does not last long though, as they start to make fun of the person for getting hurt and not just taking it and working with it with out bitching that it hurts. That it the real side of these people.

As I said, I see it a lot, and not just at work. And many of such people will say they are good people. I personally don't think they even know what makes a good person.

Hell, for all I know, I myself don't know what makes a good person. I do tend to piss other people off, and without even trying. Perhaps I need to rethink what a good person is.

Maybe this writer does know the real side of people. Maybe. I myself, I would not know.

Okay, one: No, you haven’t. Two: No, you haven’t. Three: He volunteered! I seem to remember this happening!

Aside of any point, if the writer knows people or not, (And I question myself on that) it is clear he is loads more forgetful as to what has happened on the show than I, or he just did not pay much attention to it.

He has to me, created another world aside form what happened on the show to fit this story. Now, I am not fully against that. Many of clop fics do that very thing a lot. And a lot of parody fics do that too. I mean how accurate is PONY. MOV. ? Or Smile HD?

Still, if the story is trying to draw from the show directly, then it needs to show that. And so far, as you have been pointing out, this story does not. Far less than any of mine.

Clearly, this is a dragon in pain.

Yes, over not having it sooner.

Why did you bother writing her a note telling her not to do anything stupid when you just said not to do anything stupid?! Also, Twilight should be taken to a hospital! She sliced up her hooves and I don’t think you have any kind of medical training, Stanley!

It is so sad to say, but sometimes some people are that dumb in real life. Mostly when drunk.

Need to watch A Thousand Ways To Die. And the web site, Something Awful. It states, Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid.

I say it can, so long as it is used incorrectly.

It would be a great stress reliever to see it.

No! You get to play it.
Here you go. Now go bucking mad on his ass!
http://juegosmylittlepony.blogspot.com/2015/07/applejack-kick-spike.html
You can thank me latter.

And Number 4: What is the goddamn tone of this fucking fic?
It is all over the goddamn place!

I agree, I am having a hard time trying to determine if this is trying to be serous or if it is some kind of parody.

Though now that I think of it, I know some of my writing can possibly be just as confusing to a reader. Still in comparison, with as much flipflopping between emotions as any of mine can get, I can follow that, but this one I am having a herd time doing so.

So… Let me get this straight… Rainbow Dash … not only runs around as fast as she apparently flies. Which of course, would never be as fast as Stanley, but she also keeps Derpy because of sexual advances. … Um… I’m pretty sure that’s against the law.

So, this has turned into a kind of clop fic after all. Though a rather unsatisfying one.

There did not seem to be any real romance, not even a good old full out romp scene that the story built up to. Just Dash getting it on with Spike (I mean Stanley), then Dash taking about how much of a slut she is to him.

1000 likes?! How?!

What!?
OK, I said I wasn't in any composition with anyone for likes given to my stories. Good thing too, because if I was, this sort of news just might make me cry.
Truth be told, it just leaved me scratching my head.

No, the story pulls another Twilight didn’t REALLY commit suicide bullshit. Frankly, I wish she did, it’d make the story shorter!

No shit! I know my stories can be bad, and in some what a similar way as this story, but hell, Spike is a dick in this story. Not one that deserves to be sucked off, but kicked in the ball sack. I too wish this story had ended in this way.

At the very least I feel that there would be some very small amount of catharsis over Twilight finally having this douche no longer being able to make her feel confused and hated. Though the way this story presented Twilight, I didn't like her very much in it, so in a way it didn't matter.

And for that mater neither dose this-

No, instead she gets high off drugs, so we can laugh at her. People on anti-depressants are funny!

This story is like a bad dream.

This story… has enlightened me…

I see. Yes, I see! I see it!

It is just like when my boss at work or any others try and tell me that people can't change.
Oh' so the wise wish to speak there wisdom to me. People can't change.

So, we best close down all of the AA meetings, and close down all of the physiatric hospitals, and all of the family counseling centers, for none of that shit can work. Why? Because people can't change. Or so I have been told.

Nice to be told these things by those that know best, isn't it?

You know, I have already once accused him of acting like an ostridge with his head stuck in the ground and pretending that bad things are not happening so he does not have to deal with them. Now he thinks he can be brilliant with me and say nothing can be done about people. He is the fucking boss!!! of the place. It is his job to enforce correct behavior on the job site, not ignore them.

But him telling me people can't change, is his cop-out for not saying I don't wish to deal with it and make sure others are doing what they should. It's bull shit.

Finally, last chapter.

Wow. I'm board.

This was the first fic that I actually felt insulted. I felt insulted to be a brony. I felt insulted for being a person. I felt insulted for my love of storytelling. I felt insulted for my love for good character development. This fic just leaves a sour taste in my mouth that may take a long time to get out.

You really need to read something good then. Wish I could suggest something good, but my opinions on what is good is perhaps a little too lax.

Just for laughs though, perhaps you could check out Fluttershy Kicks a Puppy by Bats. I got a kick out of it myself.

Oh' And I take back something that I said before. That is after reading to the bottom. Seems you do understand how much your reviews effect others, and in a good way. ^.^

Cheers.

4169020

Of course, other forms of government are worse, but what can you do?

That question reminds me of this, and I am sure you probably saw it already.

As for the question itself, so many like myself feel lost for any real or good answer. I wish there was a good one that could and would work.

I... honestly never heard of that.

Nether did I. I feel there is just too much in this world to know of. Funny I have talked to people that have told me that I sound like I swallowed a Dictionary, though in truth, for myself to listen to actually intelligent people and not the country bumpkin that I am, well, I feel like a uneducated bumpkin.

Makes me wonder about those that think I am all that smart, like one who told me that I am about one of the smartest people he has ever talked to.

My thought where, dude, you got to get out more!

Though if what the author was saying is true, Spike would be a bit smaller than Twilight and a reasonable size/age to woo Rarity without being seen as "creepy" on either end.

Interesting. In my own way, I kind of like where this is going. But, no. I still have this idea in my head that Rarity one day gets with Fancy Pants. Romantically. She is after all becoming quite the business pony, that is, with running three boutiques now.

She is not exactly rolling in money yet, but her drive to do well, I am sure has not gone unnoticed by Fancy Pants. Though I know I am dreaming that they do become a couple. I just feel Fancy Pants might be the one right for her.

Padding?

I have been accused of doing that with my short story Love At First Bite, just to fill the word count quota, and doing so without writing anything interesting.

I kind of get the feeling that my stories are uninteresting. This person would be about the forth to fifth person that has told me this. I get little else for comments on them from others.

Except my A Changeling In The Beginning story. Not award winning, but it is liked more than any other I written so far. And two have asked that I do more with it. That I was surprised with.

He had a name, but as of now we just call him "Ash"

OK, that was shorter and better than what I put down.

I know she has her moments, but she never just forgets when she's been mean to Spike. It just feels... wrong.

This is partly why I didn't like Twilight in this story. Not that she has been brilliant in any of my stories, but, so many make her near the point of being a drooling idiot, almost like this one does.

Crystal Wishes

I feel I should have a look at that one. And I think you may have found just the story for The Critique to help him get the bad taste of this story out of his mouth. That is before he takes a bite out of another bad fic he may pull out of the depths.

[master-of-mayhem]

Well this was a surprise. I wasn’t expecting the first story for your return review to produce such… loathing.

I felt the outrage with this one. I don’t think I’ve seen you with such legitimate hatred and contempt for any story until this one.
I thought it would merely be the standard sort of bad, not absolutely detestable. But, I understand why you chose to review this one.

And I’m glad you did, because this story truly is awful. Even ignoring the terrible way they handle suicide and depression, this fic still sucks balls.

Spike suddenly having Sombra powers, without any explanation. The total mery-sueness. Stanley being an unrepentant, unlikable cunt, but everyone still loves him anyway. Oh, and let’s not forget the incest – Because no matter how you slice it, Twilight and Spike getting it on is incest.

Fuck this story. May it burn along with its author in the 6th cercal of hell, (That’s the one for heretics).

Good to see you back Critic. Let’s hope your next story is less aggravating than this one.