Weekly Anime Blog - Week of 5/22-5/28

(Note: I've been misdating these; I've been dating them from Monday to Sunday when it's more accurate to date them from Sunday to Saturday since I tend to post them early-ish. Fixing that beginning this week.)

"FEEL x ALIVE" - Sasaki Sayaka (Bakuon!! OP)

Welcome to my weekly anime and tokusatsu blog! Each week, I will comment on what I have watched since the last posting.

This week's blog is a little leaner on content than I'd have liked. I had intended to spend Thursday evening and most of Friday night binging various things, but long-lived lines of severe thunderstorms two nights in a row completely torpedoed my plans. -_-# Including my plans to catch up on tokusatsu, I'm afraid--that's going to have to wait for the coming week, since the one night this past week I've had to devote to watching stuff, I mostly spent on Naruto Shippuden because I just got to a really good part.

The blog is broken into three sections: This Season's New Anime, Returning and Completed Anime, and Tokusatsu. (...or would be, but that last one is yet again absent from this blog.)

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SPRING 2016 ANIME

Here are the new Spring 2016 anime I'm following.

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SailorMoon Crystal Season III

Continuing where we last left off:

Cyprine and Ptilol have turned the Sailor Senshi against each other. Helpless to stop the Inner Senshi and Outer Senshi from fighting, Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Kamen, and Chibimoon combine their hearts, and the Holy Grail is created.

Releasing the power of the Grail, Sailor Moon breaks the evil spell, and awakens the power of the Talismans, which resonate with Sailor Moon's power. The Senshi offer their Planet Power to Sailor Moon, unlocking her next level of power:

MOON CRISIS MAKE-UP!

Super Sailormoon is born.

The birth of Super Sailormoon also evolves the powers of the other Senshi, whose brooches change shape into hearts. It also releases a huge wave of energy which attracts the attention of Professor Tomoe and Master Pharaoh 90...and causes Hotaru to have a violent attack, as her own sleeping daimon struggles to awaken.

I won't comment on Hotaru on the floor in her underwear during this whole scene. Nope. Not gonna comment on it whatsoever.

Anyway, Master Pharaoh 90's call to arms is too strong for Hotaru to suppress through willpower alone, and Mistress Nine awakens.

In her underwear.

With her transformation complete, Super Sailormoon kills Cyprine and Ptilol using Rainbow Moon Heart Ache.

Kaolinite is angry at this turn of events, while Mistress Nine, observing her through a fragment of the Taioron Crystal, is coldly amused that Kaolinite believed she would ever be Master Pharaoh 90's partner.

However, Mistress Nine's control over her host body is not as stable as she would like, as Hotaru quickly reasserts herself, shocked at the voice that was coming out of her, and collapses.

Mistress Nine didn't even have time to put some clothes on.

...Tuxedo Kamen fails at pronouncing "Chalice".

Speaking of fails, there's THIS in the subtitles:

Sailor Moon: "And then, we aroused Moon Chalice and Super Sailor Moon."

Oh baby. Yeah.

After the battle, Uranus moans and bitches about the damage to her apartment and the destruction of most of her furniture, which she fears she'll never have enough money to repair and replace. Venus idly comments that her rent must be expensive, and Uranus says that her monthly rent is one million yen, startling the other Senshi.

Jupiter: "How can you afford that much?"
Uranus: "We have patrons, so we don't have to worry about money."
Sailor Moon: "What's a patron?"
Neptune: "Haruka..." -_-;;

Neptune tells Sailor Moon that the three Outer Senshi have only ever seen their Talismans awaken like that once before, at the end of the Silver Millennium. Because they were not allowed to leave their post in the outer system, they could only watch helplessly as their homeland, Silver Millennium, was destroyed.

Neptune: "Our Talismans began to resonate as never before. The three of us joined together. And then, from the taboo planet, our beautifully shining Talismans summoned the last of the Guardians who should never have been awakened."

If you don't know who they're talking about, you suck.

Neptune: "As we watched Sailor Saturn slowly swing down her Silence Glaive and Silver Millennium silently fall to ruin, our strength drained out. When the three Talismans are brought together, they begin their true function as the key to awaken Sailor Saturn. And we three are protectors of the key."
Uranus: "When we three and the Talismans get together, that's when Sailor Saturn will awake."
Pluto: "And when Sailor Saturn awakens...that is when the world will end."

The Outer Senshi are assigned to protection territories at a great distance from one another for precisely this reason, but their rebirth on Earth at this point in time brought them together, and Sailor Saturn has also been reincarnated.

Sailor Neptune shows the Senshi the image of Sailor Saturn in the Deep Aqua Mirror, which reveals her true identity...Tomoe Hotaru.

All this time, while the Senshi have been fighting the Deathbusters, Sailor Saturn's soul has been calling out to the guardians of the Talismans, urging them to draw together and awaken her.

Uranus is determined not to allow Sailor Saturn to awaken, and states her intent to kill Hotaru before it's too late.

The subber for this episode keeps using the word "arouse" in the wrong context. It seriously reminds me of Inuyasha's final season and the whole "defile" thing.

Sailor Moon protests this plan, not wanting Hotaru to be killed, but Uranus tells her that even if they do nothing, Hotaru's body is going to give out soon anyway, pointedly asking Chibimoon if she's seen what's been done to her. Uranus continues to explain that from the time she was eight, when she was nearly killed in an accident, her father has been using illegal cybernetic experimentation to keep her alive, continuously performing surgeries on her body until much of her body is now mechanical. The only way Hotaru's life can be saved is if she awakens as Sailor Saturn, but that's the one thing the Outer Senshi refuse to allow to happen.

Sailor Moon tries to plead with them, passionate in her belief that everyone, including Hotaru, can be saved. The Outer Senshi refuse to listen, believing that their plan to kill Hotaru and destroy the Deathbusters on their own is still the only way to protect the world.

I really hate Knight Templars.

Chibimoon runs off to warn Hotaru and, if necessary, fight to protect her. When she arrives, she finds Hotaru passed out on the floor. As she approaches, Hotaru abruptly awakens, and sends a wave of power crashing through the window, blowing Chibimoon back. Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Moon arrive, following Chibimoon, as the massive wave of wind pressure buffets Chibimoon and the Outer Senshi. Professor Tomoe and Kaolinite both sense this awakening...

Hotaru's body transforms into Mistress Nine, who immediately attacks Chibimoon and steals her Maboroshi no Ginzuishou.

While the Inner and Outer Senshi look on in horror at the maniacally laughing witch Hotaru has transformed into, Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Moon panic over the lifeless body of their daughter, who is no longer breathing...

Cue excessively happy and bouncing ending theme!

---

Netoge

Time to see how bad the disaster of Hideki's character being hijacked becomes.

We open moments before where the last episode ended, in Hideki's room. He's about to start chatting with Ako when his game freezes and he's booted out of the server. While he's typing in his password to log back in, he knocks over the can of coffee he was drinking, and has to stop to pick that up. When he gets back to the computer to log in, the game won't accept his password. He recalls Kyoh's warning that recently, there's been a rash of account hacking in netoge, including Legendary Age, and gets worried that he's become a victim. The realization that someone other than himself is playing Rusian at the moment scares Hideki shitless because he knows what kind of disaster this hacker is going to cause with the reality-disconnected Ako. He immediately runs to Ako's room and pounds on her door, yelling at her that Rusian is an impostor.

When Ako opens the door, she's visibly upset. It turns out that Ako almost immediately realized the hacker was a fake. Whew! It helps that he kinda fucked up and said things that clued her in that this person had never actually met her--unlike the real Rusian.

After Hideki reads the chat log, Ako apologizes to him. He assures her she has nothing to apologize for, because she didn't do anything wrong--she's the victim here. But she's distraught because she called some other person than her "husband" Rusian.

Hideki summons the rest of the Netoge club and tells them about the incident. He also reveals that he realizes when his account information was stolen: it was when he first logged in from the hotel lobby. The PC he used there had a fake login page that was set up to steal his account info, make it look like he'd logged in incorrectly, then forwarded him to the actual Legendary Age login page.

And this, friends, is why you should always log into your MMOs from the game client instead of from the web. >.>;;

(Incidentally, it amuses me that the Japanese characters used to spell "password" can also be read as "puswad". )

When the others ask Hideki just how bad the damage is, he logs into his account and shows them exactly how bad it is:

The hacker erased Rusian. Hideki's account is completely empty of data.

Hideki knows he can create a new Rusian, and the important thing to him is getting back all the rare items the hacker stole from his account before they disappear forever...

...but Ako, well...it's not that simple. Because "her" Rusian, her "husband", is now dead. Even though Hideki, the real Rusian, is sitting right there beside her..."Rusian" is gone.

The rest of the club breaks to their own rooms to log in and start searching for Rusian's stolen items, leaving Hideki and Ako alone together.

Nekohime-sensei enlists the help of her brigade of White Knights to hunt down Rusian's stolen items, while Hideki himself takes a sub-character to visit the headmaster of the guild he once attempted to join--the guild of super-hardcore NEET/FREETER gamers--to request their assistance.

In the marketplace, Rusian and Master find a lot of Rusian's items, and screenshot the seller, Rontan, who's selling them at a huge markup. Master buys them back for Rusian to allieviate her own guilt for being indirectly responsible for this. Cloud, one of Nekohime's White Knights, found Rusian's wedding ring as a drop from a slain monster. Since the wedding ring was an item that couldn't be sold, the hacker apparently just threw it away, and a monster picked it up.

After returning to town, the Netoge Club informs the school of what happened during their camp. WHY, I have no idea--I mean, if there had been tangible physical injury or damage to a student or real property, then yes, notifying the school of an incident during a club outing would be advisable, but...

Honestly? I see no point.

Only when they're back in town and the dust has settled does Hideki realize how angry and violated he feels over the hacker's actions. Not just for what happened to his own character and items, but for how the false Rusian behaved toward Ako.

Now that the immediate crisis is over, Hideki and Kyoh are both out for revenge.

Unfortunately, it won't be that easy. According to the game admins, Rontan's IP doesn't match the hacker's IP. (Well, duh. This happened in a hotel, you really think he was stupid enough to stick around/keep using the public computers?)

Worse, the Black Magician (from that guild) arrives to deliver more bad news: the hacking of Rusian has appeared on "Lon's Scam Blog", the blog of a notorious asshole who runs scams and hacks on various netoge. The asshole is joking about hacking Rusian and fucking him over on his blog!

Schwein tries to vent her spleen about the whole messed-up situation, but every time she swears, she gets chatfiltered. (Nobody but Hideki reacts to this, so it might be that his account is now saddled with a chatfilter...)

Upon hearing that "Lon" occasionally dabbles in real-money trades, which are against the Legendary Age TOS, Hideki sees an opportunity to lure him into a trap.

Hideki, Akane, and Kyoh spend three days poopsocking to set up the scheme. On the third day of poopsocking, Ako drops by, and Hideki slams the door in her face out of reflex. When she comes in, she's annoyed that her husband would do that to her, but he points out, rather tactlessly, that since Rusian is gone, their marriage no longer exists.

Ako: "WHAT? You mean we're divorced?!"

Technically, Ako...you're a widow. Still, it was kind of a dick move for Hideki to even go there.

Ako: "So...umm...if we're not married, then what exactly is our relationship right now?"
Hideki: "Anou...friends?"

-_-

Dammit, Hideki! THIS would be the moment to get it stuck in her head that you want her to be your girlfriend! And you blew it!

Anyway, the fruits of three days' labor: Hideki, Akane, Kyoh, and all their friends and colleagues on Legendary Age have set up a trap: they've created a fake scam blog and drawn Lon's attention to it, posting activities such as swindling Nekohime's White Knights and stealing precious rare items from the Black Magician. They also have a trade board, where they posted a notice saying they're seeking real-money trades for Legendary Age.

The smug little bastard that's caused all this mayhem is a stringy-haired hikki in a dark room who, I shit you not, eats potato chips with chopsticks. What a loserfaggot. >.>;;

Anyway, the plan works flawlesssly. Lon falls for it like a complete sucker, Kyoh contacts the admins, GameMaster Nyack pulls the two players into a mediation zone to have a private word with them, and Hideki reveals the entire thing was a sting to bring down the hacker--whose account has been thoroughly investigated by the admins, and they are now considering filing criminal charges against Lon.

When Lon learns that Hideki went as far as to create a fake illegal hacking/trading site with "posts going back for years" just to bust him, he's outraged at how stupid and pointless that is, but Hideki basically says "This is what you get for making my wife cry!"

It's an EPIC sting/fuck-you/suck-this chain combo of busting a piece of shit asswipe. XD XD XD

Oh, and the cherry on top: the admins restored Rusian from a backup! Yay! :D

All's well that ends well, but according to Hideki, there's still one matter remaining to take care of:

The remarriage of Ako and Rusian, in the presence of all their Legendary Age friends.

Hideki asks Ako if she would mind liking him "a bit more" not as Rusian, but as Hideki, to which she replies she can't love him "a bit more" when she already loves him so much now. Awww.

(Keep in mind that doesn't...really settle the question...eh. At this point, it doesn't really matter anymore. She knew "Rusian" was a fake and Hideki is her Rusian even outside of Legendary Age, so I guess...that's all they need.)

---

Anne-Happy

Episode 8 opens with Hibari having a weird dream in which she and her friends, all in fanservicey RPG costumes, are fighting a giant Timothy and getting killed.

It's exam cram stress. She fell asleep studying.

Exams arrive. After completing the exams on the basic school subjects, Class 7 learns that they have one extra, surprise exam to take: a "special happiness exam" to determine their overall mental fortitude and fortune.

If this is anything like that board game thing from episode 2, this is going to be a hilarious torture session...

Once again, the class is taken to the school's bizarre underground facilities. This time, they go even deeper than when they played the dice game: they are now 1km beneath the school to a large, empty warehouse space, where they're all given VR goggles. The warehouse transforms into a virtual casino.

Basically, their test is this: play ten games of chance at the virtual casino. Each girl starts with 100 points, and the outcomes of the games affect their final score for the exam. Wins will add ten points to their score, while losses will subtract ten points.

Man, I wish some of MY high school exams had been like that...

After rapidly losing 70 points to the jankenpon machine, Hanako is approached by Timothy, dressed as a shady gangster, who offers her a special chance to earn back the points she's lost, and tells Hibari and Botan they can join her in the "VIP room".

In the VIP room, they're introduced to a duel game. It's basically a one-on-one RPG setup where the girls choose a character class by chance, then fight a classmate. The winner of the duel takes 30 points from the loser.

Yeah, it's a thin excuse for a random cosplay episode.

The first duel is Knight Hibari versus Black Mage Ren. Ren wins by casting Meteor.

Next up is White Mage Botan versus Archer Hibiki. Hilariously, Botan's White Magic damages her because, for some inexplicable reason, she's undead. Despite that (and her boobs falling out all over the place), Botan wins by casting a sleep spell on Hibiki.

The final duel is Dancer Hanako (and oh my god her costume is 110% fanservice H_H) versus...Sensei, since everyone else has finished their ten games. The "random" job Sensei chooses is...a really ominous Black Knight.

Sensei informs Hanako that if she loses, she'll have a zero score for her final exam, which is unacceptable and will force her to take extra summer classes. Botan jumps in to interpose herself between Sensei and Hanako, saying she'd rather stand with her than watch her be forced to take extra classes. When Sensei unleashes a devastating dark sword attack, Hibari jumps in with her Knight's defense to protect them.

It's no longer a test. Now it's a final boss battle.

Ren, thinking it looks fun, joins in as the Black Mage. With everyone else participating, Hibiki has no choice but to join the party.

Sensei gets pissed and turns the whole thing into a real, full-on, epic final boss battle, complete with the proper setting and hilariously censored trash talk:

Black Knight Sensei: "Bring it on, you reckless fools! I'll (meow) your ridiculous (woof woof) and (roar) you!"

...come to think of it, this is the second time this week I've seen Japanese MMO chat filters rendered as random animal noises. Is that seriously what Japanese MMOs do for chat filters? I wonder. Google is unhelpful in answering this...

Anyway, Sensei's attack devastates the party, so Timothy decides to help them with a special Class Change, giving them all the Valkyrie job class which is effective against Black Knights. The girls' combined Lucky Happy Miracle Love Attack () overwhelms Black Knight Sensei's defenses and defeats her...

...but it's a moot point, because Sensei levies a penalty on all five girls and reduces their scores to zero. But she also redistributes the ten points she took from Hanako during the demonstration among the five girls, giving them each a final score of two on the exam.

Apparently, the real lesson was teamwork and friendship. Or so Sensei seems to imply. I still think she's just torturing these poor girls for her own perverse amusement.

---

Bakuon!!

Winter break is approaching, and Onsa hates the cold weather, especially because she has to go outside in the cold and pour hot water on her bike's engine or it won't start.

Onsa's frustration in trying to get her bike started on a winter morning...it takes me back to all the times my Mamaw's piece of shit 81 Chevy Citation wouldn't start. At least the heater worked. I hated driving that fucking thing during the summer because the A/C was busted and too expensive to repair. (Freon leak, we gave up recharging the Freon after the second time it depleted a very expensive can.)

Yes, I've driven a car older than some of your parents. Moving along.

Onsa arrives at the Bike Club to find the girls decorating for Christmas. One of the girls mentions that Hijiri's birthday is approaching, and asks if she's going to try for her license. She reveals that she already has a license, and shows it to the girls.

It's...highly suspect, mostly because she's licensed for every type of two-wheeled vehicle there is and her entire license has shaded black backing behind the classifications.

It turns out Hijiri purchased a license overseas for all classifications of two-wheeled vehicles and had it rewritten and reissued as a Japanese license, which is a legal loophole only rich people can afford to exploit. When Onsa asks Hijiri a simple traffic question (what the yellow light means) and Hijiri answers incorrectly, Onsa cuts up her license. The girls decide that Hijiri needs to get some bike practice, and send Hayakawa to Nicoichi Motors to pick up a cheap practice bike for her. While Hijiri is getting geared up for her first ride, Onsa, Hane, and Raimu return enthusiastically riding Hijiri's new Honda Super Cub.

Since Hijiri has never even ridden a bicycle before, this is going to be...interesting. And painful. Hilariously painful.

Hijiri falls over several times at crawling speed. When she gets her bike up to speed to kick it into second gear, it gets out of control, pops a wheelie, then she winds up driving it down a flight of stone steps. At the bottom, it flips over back-to-front in a spectacularly painful-looking crash which pretty much piledrives Hijiri. The girls race to check on Hijiri, but she stands up, a creepy look on her face, and says she's just fine. She then heads back up the steps, her legs wobbling.

A few minutes later, she returns dragging a massive sledgehammer, and uses it to clobber the poor, misfortunate Super Cub.

O_o;; Someone's a touch unstable...

The girls can only watch helplessly as Hijiri pounds the Super Cub into a twisted, mangled mess. All the while, Hayakawa calmly tells Hane that a Super Cub can endure anything from a beginner's rage to faulty maintenance.

When Hijiri finally finishes venting her rage, she intends to prove that the bike is dead and scrapped by picking it up and trying to start it.

It starts.

The bike's determination to still work even after Hijiri beat the hell out of it moves her to tears, and gives her the determination to learn to properly ride even if it kills her.

So since when is Bakuon!! a shounen anime...?

The next morning, Onsa is warming up her bike and musing on the luck of selling the Super Cub and getting to repair it, then tells her own bike, jokingly, that if it doesn't start, she'll sell it too. When it kicks over easily on her first try, she has a revelation, and rushes to tell her dad...

Onsa: "I GET IT NOW! Bikes are just like people!"
Onsa's dad: "That's right, bikes are just like people. They don't like moving or working."

Not quite what Onsa was thinking. ^^;;

The next day, Hijiri arrives at school on a repaired bike...with training wheels, and a brand spanking new moped license, which is enough to allow her to legally ride the...ridiculous thing she crawled into school on at 5kph.

Next up is a Christmas party at Hane's house! At the party, the girls discuss the childhood belief in Santa Claus, and the various way they all found out he isn't real. Hijiri's story is the most bizarre, because her family actually hires a stunt Santa to be flown in from Denmark and air-dropped over their mansion riding a four-reindeer sleigh. O_o;; He even has a "Santa license" that the security staff checks at the door.

What must it be like to be that stupidly rich... X_x;;

Rin has to leave for work because she gets double pay with nobody there, so the others exchange gifts without her. This is Japan, so they do the lot-drawing gift exchange Secret Santa thing. Onsa draws number one, which turns out to be from Rin: a hand-made doll of Rin herself on her Katana. In disgust at the level of conceit needed to make such a thing, Onsa throws it across the room, and is relieved when it doesn't break...but then the head pops off. A quick glue-and-tape repair job later, they move on with the gift exchange. After the exchange (we don't get to see what the rest of the gifts were), Hane puts on her Santa suit and drives off to deliver Rin's gift to her.

While Hane tries to figure out where Rin is (Rin is delivering pizzas), she encounters Biker Jesus again. She then finds Rin and delivers her present, which is a scarf with a patch on it that says "Yoshimura".

A Yoshimura muffler. Bad pun is bad.

Oh, and it actually says 'Yoshiwara' because apparently Hane sewed the kana on wrong. Yareyare...

On New Year's, the girls draw fortunes, and Hane draws a bad luck fortune. Immediately after, Onsa buys her takoyaki, but the first piece she eats has no octopus in it. The rest of the girls take a piece of her takoyaki, which all have huge pieces of octopus. Deciding it was a fluke, Hane takes another bite...and finds no octopus.

The girls drive out to Inobousaki to watch the first sunrise of the year, but Hane is plagued with electrical malfunctions on her bike, shorting out her electric hand warmers and inner wear and leaving her freezing her ass off. Still, she finally makes it to where the others are waiting and gets to see the sunrise.

---

Haifuri

It's time to set sail with the crew of the Harekaze again! When last we left off, they were in a relatively calm mood after a few minor shipboard crises, but unbeknownst to them, a ship was encroaching through the fog. The Harekaze crew initially mistake it for the Musashi (as did I). However, based on distance and visual confirmation of a different battery configuration, Mashiro identifies it as the Hiei, one of the Yokosuka School ships that's gone missing. As the bridge crew discusses a course of action, the Hiei suddenly attacks!

The Harekaze is instructed to evade and monitor the Hiei and wait for assistance from the Blue Mermaids. They assume the crew of the Hiei are infected with the virus. They also discover a new problem: the Hiei is on coarse for the Chuuk Lagoon, a major naval hub with over 10,000 residents. If the Hiei is allowed to attack or make port there, the situation will be catastrophic--and they'll make the Lagoon before the Blue Mermaids arrive.

Misaki orders a zig-zag evasive course, hoping to draw the Hiei off course and keep its attention.

Meanwhile, at Yokosuka School, some new truths are revealed.

A laboratory ship experimenting on gene transfer to improve adaptation in harsh, airtight conditions sank, then was pushed to the surface by undersea volcanos near the island group where the inaugural training rendezvous was scheduled to take place. Among the ships waiting at the rendezvous was the Sarushima, which had a team of researchers on board. Their assignment was to collect the data from the lab ship and then sink it. While visiting the instructor in the hospital, Mashiro's sister overheard the hospitalized, quarantined researchers talking about the whole fiasco and how they'll be held accountable for it if it spreads beyond the Sarushima.

Now we're getting somewhere. That explains how the infected rats ended up in airtight crates, how the Sarushima's instructor-captain went completely off her nut, and why this virus has spread as far as it has.

According to the research documents, the creatures engineered on the lab ship, "RATt", transmit a virus which carries a bioelectric current and forces the infected to act as a collective, bending to a single will. Luckily, thanks to Minami of the Harekaze, who we now learn is a teenage genius who already has a medical degree, they have an antibody which can counteract the RATt virus.

Not that any of this helps our girls on the Harekaze, who are under attack from the Hiei and struggling to avoid being blown out of the water. With the engines straining and the Hiei's top speed dwarfing the Harekaze's, their options are limited. A heated discussion takes place on whether or not to break off and let the Hiei go on its way, try to sink it, or find some way to stop its assault without sinking it. A brief diversion involving the ship's cats being someplace they aren't supposed to be gives Misaki an idea on how to stop the Hiei.

Misaki contacts the principal to request permission to engage, and sends her plan of action to the principal. After reading the plan and confirming the battle readiness of the ship and crew, Principal Munetani authorizes Misaki's operation, pending Misaki discussing the plan with her crew to get their support.

The crew of the Harekaze decide almost unanimously to adopt Misaki's plan. Even the reluctant holdouts go along with it in the face of overwhelming optimism.

The plan is deceptively simple: the Harekaze leads the Hiei through an area rife with shoals, hoping to force the ship to run aground on a bar. Even though it's a risky and questionable plan, it ultimately succeeds, as the Hiei runs aground on the second pass through a strait and loses engine power.

Once the crisis is over, a Blue Mermaids ship arrives, and the Harekaze is dynamically boarded by...

Munetani Mafuyu, yet another of Mashiro's older sisters! Good grief, how many girls ARE there in this family?!

Mafuyu is an odd duck. She wears a weird cape, acts a little like Mitarashi Anko, and enjoys giving her sister an "infusion of guts" by groping her ass repeatedly.

Wat. O_o;;

Needless to say, that's a hell of an embarrassing thing to have happen to you right in front of your entire class/crew. X_x;;

---

Space Patrol Luluco

In the third season finale, Luluco visits a shifty detective agency on a yellow planet to search for information about Ogikubo. And for love advice.

There's...there's no point in me even trying to describe this episode. It's too weird, even by this show's standards.

Anyway, Nova arrives, takes Luluco back to the ship. They've traded the origin of all the fake Ogikubos to Space Patrol HQ. When they arrive, the supreme commander of the Space Patrol gives them all commendations, rewards, promotions, etc. but never actually explains why, and gives Luluco a box containing "the original Ogikubo". (Uhh, wat?)

Now that their search is over, they can go back to Earth...

---

ONGOING AND ENDED ANIME

Here are the ongoing and ended anime I'm following.

---

Detective Conan

Episode 818: "Kogorou's Pursuit of Rage (Part 1)"

Popular idol Risa Purple is doing a live show in Beika, and Kogorou has been hired as her bodyguard. Thanks to this, Ran and Conan get choice tickets for the show. Ran shows up cosplaying as Risa Purple:

H_H

Just as the show starts, someone sets off the sprinklers backstage and kills the lights, and a masked man jumps out of the audience and tries to grab Risa. Ran jumps up onto the stage and kicks the man before Kogorou can even get there. With Ran trying to drag Risa away, the attacker's accomplice jumps up on stage and uses a stun-gun on both of them, then slings what he thinks is Risa over his shoulder.

Except it isn't. It's Ran.

The kidnappers escape in a motorboat; Kogorou "borrows" a delivery bicycle and gives chase, but obviously can't catch up. Conan spots the boat docked below, with the masks discarded inside. In the dirt on the side of the boat, Ran has written a message with her wet finger:

リサ

Kogorou thinks this means Ran was mistaken for Risa (obviously), but Conan recognizes it for what it is: a clue to the identity of the kidnappers.

Near where the boat is docked, Kogorou spots a man covering the bed of a pickup with a large truck. He asks him if he saw some men carrying a girl run past from the river. And this is where I have my first facepalm moment of the episode, because if Kogorou had stopped to look at the back of the man's jacket:

リサイクル　シヨップ

The recycling shop guy is one of the kidnappers, you fucking moron. Your daughter is in the truck RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

The kidnapper asks if Kogorou means a purple-haired girl, then sends him after "a red truck" that probably doesn't exist, and is surprised when Kogorou insists on borrowing his truck to go after them. The kidnapper gets in on the passenger side, probably to give Kogorou more false information/find an opportunity to get rid of him.

Meanwhile, Risa's staff report the incident to the police.

Interesting aside: One of the fun little quirks of the Japanese language--and this is very much a cultural thing, by the way--is the way someone introduces themselves. In America and most of Western civilization, when a man introduces himself, he will probably say something like this:

"I'm John Smith, programming manager for WTAF TV."

If they even bother mentioning their job title at all.

For Japanese, you will often hear someone introduce himself like so:

"I'm Beika Cable TV director Sakuta."

The exact order of the introduction will be (the company they represent) (their position in the company) (their family name). Rarely will they offer their given name in this greeting.

Anyway, back to the episode. The police are investigating the incident and meeting the people backstage, including the concert MC, Risa's manager, and Sakuta, who has been recording Risa's concerts for five years ever since she became an underground idol. He was filming when Ran was abducted, and Megure-keibu wants the video for police examination. When he learns that Sakuta has already sent a copy of the video to a news outlet, he's pissed, because the Japanese police really do not like a currently-under-investigation incident to turn up on the news.

Kogorou calls Megure to tell him he's currently in pursuit of the suspect, and advises the police to be on the lookout for a red truck travelling on the highway by the canal toward the clock tower. Takagi, who has been tracing Ran's phone signal, confirms that it's coming from a moving vehicle heading up the canal road toward the clock tower.

Well, duh. It's the same damn truck Kogorou is calling from.

At Kogorou's request, Megure sends Takagi to pick up Conan at the dock. Meanwhile, Conan is contemplating the fact that the kidnappers were so careless that they abducted the wrong girl, so they must have left some sort of evidence behind.

That's when he sees Ran's cosplay wig floating in the canal.

So how did the guy in the recycling truck know it was a purple-haired girl when her wig fell off...? OH WAIT! Wow, it's a shame Conan missed Kogorou's little chat with the kidnapper! Then again, he'd have known immediately from the リサ clue.

Risa's manager tells Megure that they've actually been receiving threatening phone calls for about a week from a crazed "fan" who is mad that the agency isn't paying Risa enough for her hard work, and has promised to "free" her. The concert MC recalls that there is, in fact, a stalker who's shown up at every single one of Risa's appearances and behaves suspiciously.

At the clock tower, Kogorou parks the truck, gets out, thanks the kidnapper for his assistance, and begins searching for a red truck. The kidnapper immediately makes a loud, hasty, and suspicious escape, crashing into a curb and knocking loose his bumper, which drags on the pavement. Kogorou, the ridiculous ass that he is, isn't the least bit suspicious, instead showing concern for the man and regretting keeping him from getting to work on time.

At that moment, one of the giant screens on the tower shows the breaking news of the kidnapping incident, along with the live video of the kidnapping. One of the kidnappers' faces is briefly shown, and it's the guy Kogorou was just with. It takes Kogorou a minute to realize that the guy he just let drive off, the guy he's been riding with this entire time, is the kidnapper, and that Ran was in the back of the same truck he's been driving since the incident.

Took him long enough.

After the eyecatch, we cut to Kogorou running down the busy highway, low on stamina but determined to keep going, and Takagi and Conan in Takagi's car. It turns out Conan did not in fact miss Kogorou's little chat with the kidnapper, nor did he miss the "recycle shop" on the man's jacket, but he was busy looking for clues and dismissed it at the time. He did, however, catch that the man mentioned purple hair, which was the only clue Conan needed that this guy was the kidnapper, and he promptly tells Takagi this piece of information...and that he also realized, after the fact, what Ran was trying to tell them. Conan also recalls that there was a refrigerator in the back of the truck, so they must have gagged Ran, stuffed her in the fridge, and the accomplice hid under the tarp. Ran turned her phone on so the police could track her.

Now everyone's on the same page, but what good does that do Ran? Kogorou let the fucker get away.

Takagi and Conan spot Kogorou running, and pull along beside him. Kogorou tells Conan he figured out who the kidnapper was, but Conan tells him they already know it was the guy in the recycling truck. He tells Kogorou exactly where Ran was the entire time, and Kogorou laments not realizing what was going on the entire time. Kogorou gets in Takagi's car, and they continue their pursuit.

The kidnappers finally stop (seemingly at their own recycling shop, how dumb can you get?) and take "Risa-chan" out of the refrigerator.

It seems in their hurry to escape, they never noticed Ran's wig come off, or that "Risa-chan" had brown hair and was not Risa, or that they'd kidnapped a random girl and shoved her in a refrigerator (and how did he not notice this while he was gagging her?)

These are really STUPID kidnappers. -_-

However, they still have a stun gun, and they use it on Ran. When she collapses, her phone falls out of her pocket, and Dipshit #1 realizes her phone's been on this entire time. Dipshit #2 says that in this situation, they have no choice but to kill Ran.

Speaking of dipshits, when Ran's phone signal dies, Kogorou gets out of the car to follow the groove the dipshits' bumper was making in the road. Takagi wonders why he got out when they could easily follow the trail in the car.

I wonder that too.

Meanwhile, Megure-keibu calls Takagi to inform him that they've identified Dipshit #1 and Dipshit #2. I'm not even going to bother with their names for obvious reasons.

The concert staff are about to leave to take interviews regarding the incident when Megure-keibu stops them, because he's just figured out something that's bothered him since this all started. Because of the way the door locks on the hallway where the fire alarm and sprinkler/breaker controls are work, it's impossible for the two kidnappers to have reached the fire alarm on their own--meaning someone on the concert staff is an accomplice who unlocked the stage door for them.

Meanwhile, Kogorou and Conan arrive at the kidnappers' hideout and find a creepy stalker shrine to Risa Purple. They also find Dipshit #1's laptop, which is already open to his social media page. He's been exchanging messages with Shigaki Risa--Risa Purple's real name.

From these messages, they discover a (not so) shocking truth:

Risa Purple is the mastermind of her own botched kidnapping.

Did anyone seriously not see that coming? >.>;;

Kogorou can't believe Risa would collaborate with a crazed fan to cause this kind of chaos, but to Conan, it makes perfect sense: she did it for the publicity.

While Takagi, Kogorou, and Conan are discussing the motive, they discover a 15-minute-old post from Dipshit #1 at the bottom of the conversation, asking for instructions on what to do with the girl they accidentally kidnapped, and saying they're taking the refrigerator with her inside it to the "graveyard"--the landfill where they dump old appliances. Conan realizes that in all likelihood, the kidnappers intend to kill Ran and bury her corpse in the landfill.

After the ending credits, we see the kidnappers drop Ran into the pit and begin burying her alive.

Time is running out...

---

Naruto Shippuuden

Time to wrap up the last few filler episodes before the next major arc!

Episode 193 begins with Shikamaru and Shiho going through all the photographs salvaged from the ruins of Konoha, trying to identify the individuals in the photos so they can return them to their owners. Naruto walks in looking for Shikamaru because Ino needs him for something, and Shikamaru asks him to help with the photo sorting task. One of the photos stirs a memory in Naruto, and he runs off to take care of something, first asking where he can get some tulips.

In the past, Naruto was running through a forest at night when he encountered a large, looming stone. He found an ofuda attached to the stone which was mostly obscured by smudges. While he was trying to brush it off so he could read it, he ended up peeling it off the rock.

Later, when he went home to sleep, he was awakened by a man's ghost appearing in his bedroom...pretty much right on top of him. Naruto is shocked when he realizes the man is a ghost, but gets over it fairly quickly when the ghost becomes depressed over realizing he's dead.

Oh, and the ghost has complete amnesia.

Yeah, the filler writers apparently tried to shake out the stupids when working on the filler season, and ended up with episodes like this toward the end.

Naruto shows the ghost the ofuda, where the only legible characters are 'Kisuke'. They decide the ghost's name must be Kisuke. Naruto is the only one who can see him, so he goes around Konoha asking if anybody knows a person by that name, only to come up with nothing. Desperate to find a way to help this ghost (and get rid of him), Naruto decides to ask Sandaime for help, but Sandaime is unavailable.

Elsewhere, the Konoha Council and the Daimyou and his advisors are meeting to discuss an upgraded security plan for Konohagakure, proposed by a young shinobi named Sabiru. The elders are impressed, and Sandaime is also impressed, but Kakashi seems to have reservations.

If this is set when I think it's set, Sabiru is a spy for Orochimaru, and his "security plan" is what allowed the Chuunin Exams to turn into a clusterfuck. Not only that, but he's probably important to the plot of this episode.

After Naruto's running around, Sakura finds him and scolds him for missing morning practice. He asks her if, by any chance, she's heard of someone named Kisuke. The name rings a bell, and she remembers that the last time she was at the hospital, in the very back, there was a patient's room.

Naruto races to the hospital and runs to the very back of the critical care ward, where he finds a patient named Moroboshi Kisuke, who is in a coma and being kept alive by machines.

Our "ghost" isn't dead...yet.

After some investigation, Naruto finds out where Kisuke used to live. His house burned down a long time ago. Amid the rubble, the only thing of interest is a single tulip growing in the yard. Naruto regretfully tells Kisuke that not only did his house burn down quite a while back, but his wife died in the fire.

Kisuke remembers everything at the mention of his wife.

Kisuke worked for ANBU, and was investigating the infiltration of spies in Konohagakure.

See where this is going?

Kisuke suspected Sabiru of being a spy. During his investigation, he followed Sabiru into the forest alone, and Sabiru called him out. They fought, and Sabiru revealed that before heading out, he took the liberty of burning down Kisuke's home and murdering his wife. He then used a Soul Detachment Jutsu to rip Kisuke's soul out of his body and seal it into an ofuda, which he attached to the rock in the middle of the river. To any outside observer, it would look like a husband and wife murder-suicide.

Kisuke tells Naruto that Sabiru intends to use his security plans for Konoha to take control of the entire village, and must be stopped at all costs. Meanwhile, for reasons known only to himself, Sabiru feels the need to sneak into the hospital and unplug Kisuke.

I guess Kisuke must have suddenly sensed something was wrong, because Naruto races back to the hospital, and arrives just in time to see the medical staff trying unsuccessfully to resuscitate him. Outside, Naruto grieves for Kisuke, and Kisuke's soul appears to him again, essentially asking him to stop Sabiru before it's too late.

The council is voting on the motion to adopt Sabiru's security plan when Kisuke barges in to oppose. Yes, friends, on top of everything else, we've got Naruto doing Detective Conan by using Kisuke's face and voice as a deduction puppet! It backfires, though, because Sabiru calls "Kisuke" out as a fake since he just received a report that the real Kisuke died. With a confirmed impostor in their midst, Naruto has no choice but to use a smoke bomb to escape.

In the forest, Sabiru encounters "Kisuke" and confronts him, demanding to know who he really is, and promising to send him to hell with the real Kisuke. Naruto steps out from behind a tree to accuse Sabiru of double murder, and "Kisuke" releases his henge...

It's Kakashi, who met up with Naruto in the time between the escape and the confrontation and heard the entire story. Naruto gives Kisuke the opportunity to exact his own revenge on his murderer by possessing Naruto's body and using his skills and bottomless chakra to defeat Sabiru. Before Kisuke can deliver the final blow and bring Sabiru to justice, Sabiru is struck in the back of the neck with a poison needle and killed.

The one who shot it should be obvious. It's Kabuto.

Before departing for the afterlife, Kisuke asks Naruto one favor: to remember him occasionally and place tulips on his and his wife's graves, because they were her favorite flower.

I have to admit, for the cliched "help the ghost settle his unfinished business" story, this episode ended up being more well-done than I expected.

A new ending debuted in this episode. It's very melancholy and, fittingly, feels more like a Detective Conan ending than a Naruto ending.

Episode 194 is about a mission where Naruto and Sasuke ended up stuck together while screwing up a mission to retrieve a golden statue from thieves.

This mission was before the Chuunin Exams because we have long-haired, super-annoying Sakura, who manages to get herself captured by the gang of thieves, who haul her off to defile her use as a hostage. Naruto and Sasuke have the statue, but are stuck together by a trick the bandit leader used, and also have to rescue Sakura since her attempt to signal Kakashi-sensei failed. The two rivals have to work together to beat the bandits and save Sakura, and can't use any ninjutsu while doing it since their hands are bound.

Episode 195 is a Team 7 and Team 10 teamup. It opens in the present, with Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji stampeding a pack of wild boars. Spittake-worthy moment: Ino using her Mind Transfer Jutsu on the boar leading the stampede.

The Konoha Rebuilding Camps will eat well tonight.

Cut to the past, where Team 7 and Team 10 are on a joint mission to stop a gang of bandits who have been stealing the crops from a poor farming village, and have now gone too far and kidnapped the elder's granddaughter. The bandits' stronghold is ridiculously fortified, making this mission a minor nightmare.

Worse still, the village's informant, a bandit named Tofu who defected from Baki's gang, is actually a double agent, who allowed himself to be "captured" by a patrol so he could tip Baki off about the eight shinobi that are about to descend upon them. Tofu dismisses them as a minimal threat because six of the shinobi are genin and the two jounin have already split off as a two-man cell to look for a way to bypass the forts and traps. Baki and Tofu are overconfident...

...and that's when Team 7 and Team 10 just waltz right into the inner fortress.

Tofu decides to offer himself as a hostage to Baki, since the genin think he's been captured. He's once again massively underestimating Shikamaru's intelligence. However, even though Shikmaru is chessmastering this entire thing, there was one variable he didn't account for:

Baki can use a muting jutsu to seal a man's voice. He uses it to mute Shikamaru, limiting his ability to communicate with his team.

Once the hostage exchange has been made, Team 7 quickly subdue Tofu on threat of death, having been aware of his duplicity all along. When Baki releases his jutsu to ask Shikamaru how they got past the three checkpoints, Shikamaru reveals that they placed a mini-wireless on Tofu from the beginning, and simply paid attention when he said the password at each checkpoint.

As expected of Shikamaru!

Baki realizes too late that Shikamaru allowing himself to be taken hostage was a trap, and all hell breaks loose. Even so, Baki remains unruffled, fully believing that there is simply no way even a brilliant tactician like Shikamaru can possibly outsmart him.

Dude, if you were that smart, you wouldn't be a bandit. His hilarious overestimation of his own intelligence and tactics is put paid when his forces are routed by a thousand of Naruto's Kagebunshin and Chouji's Nikudan Sensha.

Baki is STILL bragging that even with all this falling down around him, as long as he can escape with the hostage, he still wins. That's when Ino and Chouji explode through the floor right in front of him. Baki is astonished that they were even able to find him and the hostages, which is when Shikamaru reveals what we all pretty much knew way back during the initial hostage exchange: Ino used her Mind Transfer Jutsu on Shikamaru and knew exactly where he was at all times.

Baki FINALLY loses his cool when he realizes just how badly outclassed he was this entire time, and goes for the "covered in dynamite" escape plan. Which fails because Shikamaru.

By the time Asuma and Kakashi finally make it to the inner fort, there's nothing left for them to do--the bandits have all been tied up and the granddaughter safely rescued.

And finally, the last filler episode for the time being, episode 196.

A tower in the mountains some distance from Konoha stirs Sasuke's memories of his last days as a Konoha shinobi, when he was still frustrated by the growing power gulf between himself and Naruto. While tearing apart the forest with his Chidori, he sees a young, wealthy girl who apparently lives in the aforementioned tower falling off a cliff, and rescues her.

An assignment comes in concerning wanted fugitives who have been confirmed entering the Land of Fire. Tsunade wants to assign Team 7 to the mission, but is aware of the tensions between Naruto and Sasuke, so she decides to separate the team, sending Kakashi and Sasuke on the dangerous mission while assigning Naruto and Sakura to babysit a spoiled brat...who turns out to be the same spoiled brat Sasuke saved earlier. The brat, Naho, is a relative of the Daimyou. (Figures.) Naho attempts to order Tsunade to replace Naruto and Sakura as her bodyguards with Sasuke and send them on Sasuke's mission instead. Tsunade's patience in dealing with Naho is admirable, if strained.

Anyway, Naho is a brat, and refuses to go on her land inspection without Sasuke as her bodyguard--she especially refuses to go with Naruto and Sakura. But they have a mission to fulfill, and fear Tsunade's wrath if they don't complete it properly. So they do the only sensible thing:

Naruto uses henge no jutsu to disguise as Sasuke.

Anyway, Sasuke and Kakashi find the hideout of the band of criminals they're after, and learn that they have a plan to abduct Naho. Right at about this time, Naruto and Sakura run into the outlaws on the road to their destination. Naruto goes all-out against the rogues while still disguised as Sasuke, but their leader is a dangerous Earthbender who's a bit much for even Naruto to handle, and after the Rasengan fails, he gets his ass handed to him--and drops the henge, revealing to a startled and upset Naho that Sasuke was never there.

Kakashi, Sasuke, and Pakkun find the battlefield where Naruto, Sakura, and Naho were taken by the enemy, and Sasuke learns that escorting Naho was Sakura and Naruto's mission--and that there was no way of knowing in advance that this abduction was being planned.

At the outlaws' camp, Naruto manages to untie Naho with his feet and distracts the enemy so she can run, but their Earthbending leader puts up a set of stone walls to trap her. She screams for Sasuke--and Sasuke arrives, kicking ass!

After using his signature fireball attack, Sasuke does enough damage to the Earthbender's stone shell to reveal that it is merely a Doton shell, and the ninja inside is much younger and has a much lighter build than the false visage he presented earlier. He also dresses like Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist and talks like a faggot. He taunts Sasuke about the death of the Uchiha, enraging him; Sasuke unloads on him, beating him within an inch of his life and terrifying Naho. He's finally stopped by Kakashi, after which he heads back to Konoha on his own.

And now, the main story continues.

Episode 197 begins with Anko and Sai, who are tracking Kabuto and investigating one of Orochimaru's old hideouts. A trio of Konoha ninja show up to instruct Sai that he has been recalled. They also inform the two of recent events: the total destruction of the village, Tsunade's incapacitation, and Danzo's installation as Rokudaime.

Cut to Danzo smugly addressing his loyal black-cloaked Root soldiers, which is eerily reminiscent of Long Feng and the Dai Li from Avatar: the Last Airbender. I guess that makes Sasuke Azula...

After the opening credits, we check back in on Raikage's messengers, who are just as weird and silly as they were the last time we saw them. This time, they're fretting over what to do if they get dragged into romantic entanglements while in Konoha.

They finally arrive and are shocked to find Konoha reduced to a massive hole in the ground. After learning of Tsunade's current status, Samui asks for the interim Hokage.

Enter Danzo, who announces he has replaced Tsunade as Hokage--to Shizune's shock, as this is the first she's heard of it. The way Danzo is surrounded by his loyal guard make him seem more like a Sith Lord than anything in this scene. When he reads Raikage's letter and learns of Sasuke's criminal activities, he immediately declares Uchiha Sasuke a nuke-nin and approves his extermination. Kiba delivers this shocking news to Team Kakashi. Enraged, Naruto and Sakura both decide to go see Danzo and demand an explanation/attempt to convince him to change his orders. Kakashi tries to reason with them because he knows this is exactly what Danzo wants Naruto to do--he'll use this as an opportunity to remove Naruto from active duty and prevent him from searching for Sasuke.

Meanwhile, Danzo orders Sai to keep a close eye on Naruto, looking for any excuse to confine him to the village. Sai, who has been changed by his time with Team Kakashi, asks Danzo exactly what he intends to do with Naruto.

Danzo's response is chilling. Summarized:

"Naruto is the village hero right now. He is trusted by everyone, while I am not. If I do anything to Naruto before the vote of confidence, I risk my position. I have to wait until after I have the power to do whatever I want to him, but in the meantime, it's my responsibility to monitor the Jinchuuriki closely."

After meeting with Danzo, Sai takes a walk alone, thinking about what he just heard. Naruto and Sakura come looking for him, and ask him to tell them anything he knows about Danzo. Sai reveals that it is literally not possible for him to talk about Danzo, and shows them the surface of his tongue, where he's been branded with a curse seal by Danzo that prevents him from speaking of certain things. All members of Root are similarly branded.

The more I learn about Danzo, the less I like him, and I already hated him from the second he first appeared.

The subject of Sasuke comes up, and the three are suddenly attacked by the messengers from Kumogakure. During the tense encounter, Naruto and Sakura learn that Sasuke has joined Akatsuki and attacked a high-ranking member of Kumogakure.

Elsewhere, the members of Taka are travelling toward Konoha when Tobi appears before them. Sasuke demands to know why he's bothering them when Taka has left Akatsuki. Tobi informs them that they failed to deliver the Eight-Tails as promised, and thus have unfinished business with Akatsuki. He also informs them that Konohagakure has been destroyed. Zetsu arrives to inform Tobi that Danzo has been appointed Rokudaime, which is what Tobi expected. Tobi then informs Sasuke that because of both Pain's overzealousness and Sasuke's own actions against Killer B, a Five Kage Summit has been called.

Back at Konoha, Sakura has collapsed in tears under the angry accusations and hotheaded interrogation of the two boiling-mad Kumo-nin. Naruto, however, has had a flash of understanding due to their determination to avenge their master. He asks if their master is a Jinchuuriki. When they confirm this, Naruto replies that he, too, is a Jinchuuriki, and knows Akatsuki would always capture a Jinchuuriki alive. He tells them that rather than worrying about Sasuke, their priority should be rescuing their master--and he'll go with them to help.

Taka are surprised to learn that Naruto defeated Pain. Sasuke no longer cares about Naruto's increased strength. With Konohagakure itself destroyed, he immediately shifts his goal to the Five Kage Summit, where he intends to take the Hokage's head.

Well, good riddance to Danzo I guess, but it seems like Sasuke is getting really fickle lately. I mean, he can't seem to stay focused on any one specific goal for more than three consecutive appearances.

As one of Zetsu's disgusting clones leads Taka to the Five Kage Summit, Zetsu and Tobi converse. Tobi is annoyed that Nagato used his Rinne Rebirth technique to save the dead of Konoha when that technique was intended to be used solely for his benefit. With things changing too rapidly for Akatsuki to properly control, and Sasuke nowhere close to ready to synchronize with the Gedou Statue yet, Tobi decides it's time to commence "Operation Tsuki no Me".

Despite everything Naruto said, Killer B's disciples are STILL obsessed with pressing him for information about Sasuke. ESPECIALLY Karui, who is a textbook Fiery Redhead and stubborn to a fault. Naruto refuses to tell them anything that might help them find or kill Sasuke, having learned that all revenge does is trigger an endless cycle of hatred. He tells Karui to beat him up instead, and she readily obliges.

Meanwhile, Samui and her massive tits are searching for the wayward hotheads. While wandering through the relief camps, she hears the villagers talking about Naruto's victory over Pain.

At Tsunade's bedside, Sakura confirms with Shizune that Sasuke was seen wearing the Akatsuki robe.

Karui vents her rage and frustration on Naruto's face while Omoi looks on dispassionately and Sai watches from hiding.

Darth Danzo's men tell him they have two trackers pursuing Anko, and suggest eliminating her. Danzo says that having Anko killed is the wrong move at the moment, and capturing Kabuto before Anko does is their top priority.

Danzo: (to himself) "That man might know about my connection to Orochimaru."

MOTHERFUCKER.

Outwardly, Danzo's only concern is obtaining any information Kabuto has on Orochimaru's experiments, as the data might prove useful in repairing the considerable damage to his own body. He dispatches one of his three aides to deal with Kabuto while asking the other two to remain to escort him to the Five Kage Summit. As masks are prohibited at the Summit, he tells his men to discard theirs. His last order is to make sure his retainer's subordinates do not allow Naruto to leave the village.

Karui finally wears herself out. Naruto looks like Rocky Balboa at the end of Rocky I. However, Karui isn't satisified yet, and gets her second wind, determined to beat information out of Naruto. Sai finally gets sick of watching this and intervenes. When Karui decides she'll just beat up Sai too, Omoi steps in and stops her, telling her this whole thing is pointless. Watching Naruto take a beating to protect a friend has convinced him that Naruto is a man who honors his word, so if Naruto says he'll help them find Killer B, he's absolutely sure Naruto will do everything in his power to honor that promise.

Samui arrives, scolding her subordinates for their hasty and reckless behavior, and tells them she intends to do things properly, starting with gathering intel, having it analyzed, and reporting to the Raikage. Naruto asks to go with them, and says he wishes to discuss something with the Raikage. Samui apologizes, but says that at this time, that simply isn't an option, then leaves with her team.

Naruto asks Sai to take him to Kakashi-sensei and Yamato. After depositing Naruto in a tent, Sai meets up with Kakashi outside and takes a moment to ask him why Naruto and Sakura both hold so much value in their bond to Sasuke when all it causes them is pain.

There's a certain irony in the fact that after his beating at the hands of Karui, Naruto's bandages are almost exactly the same as Danzo's.

When Kakashi and Yamato both arrive, Naruto announces his intention to meet with the Raikage and ask him to forgive Sasuke. Yamato chews him out six ways from Sunday about how he can't leave the village, he no longer has any way of containing Kyuubi if something goes wrong, Yamato is in charge of the village reconstruction and can't keep an eye on him, etc. etc. (and remember that Yamato is kindasorta one of Danzo's men too). Naruto interrupts him by telling them all that he met Yondaime's spirit. He reveals what Minato told them about the Akatsuki masterminding everything that happened all those years ago. This confirms Jiraiya's fears for Kakashi: only Madara could have summoned the Kyuubi sixteen years ago. Kakashi tells Sai to inform the Hokage immediately about Uchiha Madara's involvement, then asks Naruto what else Yondaime told him, revealing at the same time that he knew Minato was Naruto's father all along. Naruto's only reply is that "he believes in me."

That's good enough for Kakashi! He orders Naruto to go see the Raikage, with Kakashi and Yamato as his escorts.

At Sunagakure, Kazekage Gaara is leaving for the summit with his retainers, Temari and Kankurou. Kankurou worries that, as the youngest of the five Kage, the other Kage might take him lightly.

Tsuchikage of Iwagakure is...a very shriveled old man with a bad back, with a huge doofus-looking Gentle Giant retainer and a retainer who's a normal-looking kunoichi with a bit of a smartalecky attitude.

Mizukage of Kirigakure is a young, beautiful red-haired woman (31 according to Narutopedia) with a sort of nerdy retainer and a middle-aged retainer who lectures people in a loud voice. Mizukage herself is...a little odd. She misparses things people around her say as cracks about her being unmarried, and has a bit of a short fuse about it. It's a bit of a running gag actually...

Raikage, well...we already know he's a loud, obnoxious, thundering bastard. And that just leaves...

The usurper, Danzo, who deserves any horrible thing that happens to him.

The Five Kage are en route, and business is about to pick up.

Danzo's party is attacked by masked assassins on the road. He immediately goes into action, and reveals that like Kakashi, he has a concealed Sharingan.

WTF?!

The way Danzo deals with the assassins is...brutal.

Kakashi lets Sai know that he's watching him like a hawk, but also that he believes in him, which is his way of keeping Sai from telling Danzo what Naruto is up to.

The assassins turn out to be some old enemies of Root, and Danzo mercilessly and messily slaughters them. He is determined to force the Jounin Council to accept him as Hokage and seize total control of Konoha to "strengthen" it.

Meanwhile, Danzo's spies are keeping watch on Naruto, who's engaged in another weird Oiroke no Jutsu duel with Konohamaru before leaving. Kakashi finds them and uses his Sharingan to subdue them. He turns back just in time to miss the show, and although Konohamaru lost this round, Naruto praises him for defeating one of Pain's Paths.

Team Samui finishes consolidating their data at the Konoha Archives, one of the few critical parts of the village that's still intact. When they leave, Yamato, Naruto, and Kakashi tail them.

We get a scene of Godaime Mizukage and her retainers at an inn. Godaime Mizukage is a very kind woman who is struggling to overcome Kirigakure's past reputation as the "Blood Mist", the nightmare created by her predecessor.

What is WITH swordsmen from Kirigakure having creepy shark teeth...?

Anyway, the Five Kage Summit is being held in the Land of Iron, where it's apparently winter. According to Tsuchikage, it lies between three huge mountains, has its own culture and jurisdiction, has a powerful military, and is completely neutral.

So basically it's Ninja Switzerland. Except that they don't much care for ninja in Ninja Switzerland, so its military are composed of samurai.

Samurai Stormtroopers!

En route to the Summit, Raikage's party is intercepted by Team Samui, who didn't realize they were tailed. Raikage's retainer calls out the "Konoha dogs" that followed Samui, and Naruto steps boldly out into the open:

Naruto: "We need to talk!"

Naruto makes an impassioned plea to the Raikage to end his vendetta against Sasuke before it leads to more bloodshed between Kumogakure and Konohagakure. He makes the case that seeking revenge drives a person mad and turns them into someone they don't even recognize anymore.

His words fall on deaf ears. -_-

Yamato plays a particularly dirty card, reminding the Raikage that Konohagakure hasn't forgotten Kumogakure's attempts to steal the Byakugan, and it's only because Konoha "swallowed tears of blood" and refused to escalate the war Kumo tried to provoke that Kumogakure even still exists. Kakashi asks the Raikage what he thinks of the young ninja who is bowing his head in respect, for both Konoha and Kumo, for land and village, pleading for an end to the cycle of bloodshed.

The Raikage responds with a bitter and scathing rant that basically boils down to "the only reason mankind exists is for war, and criminals deserve to be hunted down and killed without mercy".

What an angry, narrow-minded, short-sighted, pathetic fool he is... >.>#

However, even as he and his entourage walk away from Naruto, who's still face-down in the snow...the Raikage spares a glance backward at Naruto.

Meanwhile, the members of Taka, along with their escort Zetsu, are hiding in the shadows above the fortress where the Five Kage are being greeted upon arrival. Sasuke watches with anger as Danzo arrives.

The Five Kage have arrived, and the moderator, Mifune, calls the Summit to order.

Gaara is the first to take the floor. He informs the other Kage that he was a former Jinchuuriki himself, and thus is well aware of the dangers the Akatsuki pose. He asked the other Kage for help many times, but was ignored by all but Tsunade. He points out that the Kage have done nothing while Jinchuuriki after Jinchuuriki have been targeted. In his opinion, the Five Kage have a terrible track record for decisive action against the threats that face all the villages, and he shows no restraint or hesitance in voicing that opinion.

Tsuchikage, for his part, thinks it's laughable for the Five Great Villages to ask for help when their own Jinchuuriki are taken, because it's an embarrassment and a sign of weakness, and should therefore be dealt with in utmost secrecy.

Mizukage says that the theft of a Bijuu isn't really cause for immediate concern because it takes time, skill, and talent for a new Jinchuuriki to become a serious threat. Tsuchikage agrees with her.

During Danzo's pointless and inflammatory remarks, Raikage gets riled up, and the retainers of all five Kage spring into action, quickly turning the summit into a five-way Mexican standoff. Mifune calmly reminds everyone that this is a place of discussion. The five Kage call off their retainers.

Raikage takes the floor next, and basically blames every village but his own for the existence, makeup, and employment of Akatsuki to further their own interests. He informs them that, for all intents and purposes, the only reason he called the Summit was to personally insult all four of them and their villages for collaborating with, protecting, and aiding Akatsuki.

Dude. Dude. I know your brother is missing and all? But this is not the way for the leader of a military force to behave, especially one whose alliance with his neighbors is shaky at best.

But he unfortunately has a point, as explained by the Tsuchikage: because of the increasing stability and demilitarization of the Five Great Nations, Akatsuki has occasionally been used as mercenary soldiers by the various Hidden Villages when needed.

Raikage bluntly points out that Sunagakure used Akatsuki to attack Konohagakure, and as a result, Sarutobi Hiruzen and Gaara's father, the previous Kazekage, died. He also blames Kirigakure for not conducting diplomacy and accuses Kirigakure of being the origin point of Akatsuki.

Mizukage responds by informing the other Kage that there are suspicions that her predecessor, the Yondaime Mizukage, was being manipulated by the Akatsuki.

As Raikage continues his "you're all bastards because you hired Akatsuki" crap, Tsuchikage shuts him up by pointing out that Kumogakure's bullshit attempts to escalate conflict by trying to steal the forbidden and special jutsu of other villages forced the other villages to hire Akatsuki as a countermeasure.

Jesus, this summit is breaking down fast.

Before Raikage can retort, Danzo seizes the floor to tell everyone that Konoha intelligence believes the leader of Akatsuki to be Uchiha Madara. This brings the proceedings to a screeching halt as the implications set in.

In the silence that follows, Mifune takes the floor to make a request on behalf of the neutral nations. He points out that the leader of Akatsuki has always been adept at reading the times and taking advantage of the suspicions of the Five Villages. He recommends putting aside the grievances that divide the shinobi nations and creating an Allied Shinobi Forces to deal with the Akatsuki problem once and for all. Further, Mifune suggests leaving it to him, as a neutral representative, to decide who among the five Kage is most suitable to be selected as the leader of this new Allied Force.

Anybody else getting the creepy feeling here that this Mifune guy is in Danzo's pocket? Because this is giving me seriously creepy Palpatine vibes.

Mifune suggests that since the only Hidden Village that still has a Jinchuuriki is Konohagakure, the Hokage should be the commander of the Allied Shinobi Forces.

Yep, this is exactly how the Empire started. >.>;;

---

One Piece

Continuing the trend of moving on to the next major arc in the series, we have One Piece, where I'm about to enter the Summit War Saga.

But first, three filler episodes, beginning with Spa Island. Nami in a bikini? YES PLEASE!

Badly in need of some downtime after Thriller Bark, the Mugiwara Pirates take advantage of the unexpected discovery of an artificial island just outside the Florian Triangle. Spa Island is a massive luxury resort with fifty baths including a cola bath and a milk bath, meditation waterfalls, floating casinos and water ping-pong, and all sorts of other amenities.

I bet their stay at Spa Island burned through almost all the treasure they got from Thriller Bark. O_o;;

However, while relaxing and enjoying a little vacation, they run into someone they probably hoped they'd never see again (I certainly hoped we'd never see him again): Silver Fox Foxy. (Luffy doesn't even remember who he is. )

This time around, Foxy is resorting to some Team Rocket grade bullshit to amplify his already annoying and obnoxious Noro-Noro Beam. He's also after two sisters the Mugiwara Pirates run into during their stay on Spa Island. He causes trouble for them, but the trouble he causes is quickly averted by the two new nakama Luffy picked up since their last encounter, Franky and Brook.

For some bizarre reason, in this episode Brook is wearing the yellow track suit made famous by Bruce Lee and later Uma Thurman.

Foxy and his crew (of two) are freaked out by Brook and run for it, but they manage to break their own Team Rocket contraption before Luffy counterattacks, sending them blasting off again! *TING*

Unfortunately, the damage from the fight causes a mass panic, and a lot of guests start fleeing Spa Island.

With Foxy gone, Nami asks the two sisters why Foxy is so interested in the notebook they carry. It seems they've got themselves an alchemist's notebook that contains the secret for making jewels. The notebook belonged to their father, and the formula is 99% complete; a navigational chart in the notebook seems to indicate the formula can be completed at Spa Island. However, the younger sister is skeptical that such a thing as creating jewels is possible, largely due to some massive lingering resentment toward the girls' father, who left on a research journey three years earlier and never returned. One month before the present, their father's pet sea tanuki suddenly showed up out of nowhere, carrying the notebook and a letter asking the girls to complete his research.

The entire party is unaware that the shifty concierge of Spa Island is listening in on them through a hidden dendenmushi.

The younger sister is cynical, jaded, and bitter, decrying everything their father ever said as a lie. (Seriously, every other word out of her mouth is 'Uso!' It gets old fast.) The older sister is optimistic and wants desperately to believe their father's research is the real thing. As she's asking the Mugiwara Pirates for help, a trap door opens under her, and the concierge, Doran, offers up an ultimatum: the secret of the notebook for Sayo's life.

Rina begs Luffy to save Sayo. Luffy declares--to everyone's shock, including Doran--that the best way to save Sayo and find the key to creating jewels is simply to destroy Spa Island.

What the hell, Luffy?!

However, Zoro, Sanji, Robin, Franky, and Brook are completely on board with this plan--Nami is the only one throwing up ANY protest--so Franky runs off to make sure nobody steals the Sunny while the rest of the Mugiwara Pirates...err...

Start wrecking Spa Island.

Seriously, I think this is the first time they've deliberately destroyed a place instead of incidentally destroying a place.

Once the destruction begins and the security forces rush out to stop them, though, even Nami gets in on the mayhem--mostly out of self-defense or reluctant acceptance, I guess--but her attacks are only aimed at the soldiers, not the island itself.

However, the mayhem grinds to a halt when Doran aims Spa Island's hidden giant cannon at Sayo, who is tied to a flagpole on a rooftop at point blank range, and demands the notebook in exchange for her life. Sayo tells Rina not to do it, but Rina cares more about Sayo than anything related to their father. She really resents the way he always abandoned and neglected them and was never around.

Gee, two siblings, abandoned by their father, with an alchemical research notebook...

Anyway, Sayo insists that Rina is wrong about their father, because she saw his gentler, more thoughtful side, and knew that he truly loved them and was sorry to not be around when they wanted him to be. Also, according to Nukki (the sea tanuki--remember, Chopper speaks animal language), the real reason their father disappeared is because he was being pursued by bad people who were after his research. Moved by this, Rina thumbs through the notebook, and discovers a carefully preserved clover in a neat little display sleeved tucked into a flap in the front cover. It's a five-leaf clover she once found while hunting four-leaf clovers with Sayo and their dad. After seeing her five-leaf clover so lovingly cared for, Rina changes her mind about him and decides that his research has to be protected at all costs.

Robin and Usopp disable Doran while Nami and Chopper head up to retrieve Sayo. Zoro destroys the cannon, then cuts the ropes (which Nami and Chopper are having trouble with because of the complexity of the knots and, for some inane reason, a padlock).

Brook...is relaxing on a pool chair and sipping a drink.

Doran isn't done yet, though. He manages to reach the emergency steam release button on his gun turret (why does he even HAVE an emergency steam release button?) which releases all the steam from the island in upward drafts that force the Mugiwara Pirates into a defensive position, freeing him from Robin's clutches. He aims what's left of his cannon at Luffy and fires. Luffy uses Gear Third to smash the cannon and everything underneath it, which begins the total collapse of Spa Island. Unfortunately, due to shrinking when he uses Gear Third, Luffy, Rina, and Nukki fall into the sea. While they're sinking, Rina notices a giant magma vent on the ocean floor...

...shaped like an X.

Sanji rescues the trio and brings them back to the Thousand Sunny, where everyone is watching Spa Island crumble into the sea. With Spa Island gone, the X-shaped magma fissure is visible from the ocean surface. (O_o;;)

With Spa Island destroyed, the magma fissure is able to vent steam into the air above the sea, creating a rare phenomenon: a circular rainbow.

Which is the "jewel" Sayo and Rina's father was looking for all along.

Yes, friends, it's that old trope!

...except not really, because the order of the colors in the circular rainbow is different from a normal rainbow. Sayo had a theory about this, related to the formulas in the notebook. She and Rina hurried home to test it out.

Several days later, the Mugiwara Pirates receive a letter from the sisters. They mixed several different potions according to their father's formula, and combined them in the order of the colors of the circular rainbow over Spa Island's magma vent. When combined in the correct order, they did, in fact, crystallize into a jewel.

Huh.

Moreover, their father returned! Also, Sayo and Rina decided to give the jewel they made to Luffy as a token of gratitude.

But while they're all admiring it, a candy rain shower begins, and the jawbreaker hailstones knock the jewel out of Luffy's hands. It gets mixed in with the similarly-sized jawbreaker hail... Derp!

Episode 384 is a standalone filler episode about Brook, which basically amounts to 20 minutes of him trying to be useful aboard the Thousand Sunny and failing spectacularly at every turn, all because he's struggling to find his place in the crew after reading a log of their journeys and realizing how far above his level they all are. I won't bother going into detail with this one since it's an Unhelpful Help episode (why is that not a trope? It should be a trope.) Suffice to say, he's so desperate to make himself useful that he completely forgets why Luffy wanted him on the crew in the first place (to play music) and also completely ignores the fact that Luffy spends about 99% of his day doing nothing but sitting around eating and goofing off.

One thing I will mention though: Brook's schtick is...painful. Seriously. I've adapted myself to groan-inducing wordplay over the years--you pretty much have to when you're friends with Zef--but Brook is just...yikes. Here's some examples:

"Ah, a milk bath is so good for the skin! Even though I don't have skin."
"You're a sight for sore eyes! Even though I don't have eyes."
"I was so surprised, I almost had a heart attack! Oh...but I don't have a heart."
"Here I am, working myself to the bone...even though I'm nothing but bones."

It's practically every other line of dialogue, man. X_X;;

Comments

[SweetCaptain77]

But Brook is still AWESOME!!

[Thought Prism]

This week's Luluco was also a crossover, this time with the expo short SEX and VIOLENCE at MACHSPEED.

[MrB]

hey moth, have you ever thought about watching any of the one piece movies, I highly recommend movies 6, 8, 9, 10, and 12

[MythrilMoth]

3981957 Yeah, I plan to eventually, but I need to remember where the hell to find them since I'm watching the actual SERIES legally and I don't see them listed on the Funimation streaming service. (NO LINKS, you know that's not allowed by site rules. When I'm ready to find them, I can easily find them on my own, thanks. )

[GenerousGhibli]

What is WITH swordsmen from Kirigakure having creepy shark teeth...?

I always thought that Mizukage's retainer was really cute...

Also, Danzo's fate is beyond satisfying and the full extent of his abilities is going to... well it's quite disturbing, actually.

[MrB]

3982296 well when you do get to watching them, you will love them.
movie 6: has a different animation style then the series and has the first villain to ever scare Robin.

movie 8: a retelling of the Alabasta arc with some minor differences: Smoker and Tashigi don't appear, the fallowing fights are shorten: Zoro vs Mr.1, Sanji vs Mr.2, Nami vs Miss Doublefingers, Usopp and Chopper vs Mr.4 and Miss Marry Christmas. The fight between Luffy and Crocodile in the palace courtyard never happens.

movie 9: a retelling of the Drum island arc with some major differences: Robin, Franky, and the Sunny with the crew instead of Vivi, her supersonic duck, and the Going Marry, Luffy has second and third gears, Wapol has an older bother.

movies 10 and 12 have way to much for me to explain.