Life is weird · 8:54am Apr 30th, 2016
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Rambling stuff about life, self-examination, MLP, writing, and video games below the break. I don't like doing personal blogs because I'm not sure anybody cares, but I have a long week ahead of me and today is the only day I get to check this site until next weekend, so whatever. It's something I've been meaning to get out of my system.
I'll try to at least make it interesting.
I played a video game called Life is Strange recently. In case you've not heard of it, Life is Strange was an episodically released walk-and-talk adventure game that came out in 5 parts through 2015. Amongst its notable features are likeable characters, a reasonably well-written plot with some well-executed plot twists, a memorable soundtrack, a sprinkling of lesbians, and hella cringeworthy dialogue, I mean wowzers, were they cereal?
This blog isn't really about the game. But it is, a little bit. Except it isn't.
Life is Strange went on to be nominated for several awards and even win a few. As to be expected in the age of the internet, a fandom sprouted up around it, which I've just barely dipped a toe into (no LiS fanfics from me). All in all, it seems to be a love or hate sort of thing. Seems to me that the fans tend to have an adoring, outpouring love for the game whilst there's a lot of people out there vocal about their dislike for it and vocal about their disappointment that the game won all these awards and acclaim despite it, in their opinion, being bad.
Personally, I thoroughly enjoyed the game. If you're the kind of person who likes MLP, chances are, you're the kind of person who'll enjoy Life is Strange. Avoid spoilers!
If this doesn't sell you, nothing will.
It looks to me that all the fans have been touched by the game somehow on a deeper, personal level. It tackles subjects such as loss of loved ones, bullying, drugs, rape, abuse, next to your usual high school fare of tests and crushes and homework. It's got a lot of stuff that people tend to face growing up. Some people relate to specific events -- I read a post by a fan explaining that the game brought up memories of one of their childhood friends dying of cancer -- while others seem to relate to the whole package in general. Anyone who has been the nerdy kid in high school probably will, and let's face it, if you're on an MLP fansite, you've probably been the nerdy kid in high school.
None of these things mattered to me while I was playing. Actually, I legitimately hate one of the lead characters (I love the other one twice as much, though, so it works out). I was there mainly for the overarching plot -- involving the disappearance of a local girl -- and the supernatural, Twin Peaks-y, little bit Lovecraftian mystery that ran at its core. Spoilers: the game didn't focus on these aspects nearly as much as it could have, likely because of budget/time constraints by the publisher Squeenix. Also, didn't I tell you to avoid spoilers, you nosy little snot?
That said, the game still managed to strike a chord with me on a personal level, albeit for different reasons. My reasons were a little bit more... meta, shall we say. I actually needed a couple of days to recover from the emotional shock the game left me in. Not because of its story or its characters or anything that was really in the game, but because it manages to dredge up some feelings and memories I didn't know I still had. Stuff that really mattered to me, to my being, to who I think I am and who I want to be.
The game came with several tracks composed specifically for it, as these games usually do. However, it also came with multiple licensed tracks from a vareity of performers and bands. I'm no audiophile and I barely ever listen to music as a pastime, so all of them were unknown to me.
Amongst the licensed tracks was "In My Mind" by one Amanda Palmer. I also completely forgot about it while playing the game. I have absolutely no idea which episode it was even in. It wasn't until I was listening to the game's soundtrack on YouTube that I (re-)discovered it. After finally getting back on my feet from how the game originally left me, this song once again knocked me right back down.
In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be
I liked the characters, you know. (Except Chloe "Human Trash" Price, as I quickly came to call her. I still want to give her a hug, though. Is that weird?) I was invested in the story. I cared about the characters. I wanted to know what was behind the murder of Laura Palmer disappearance of Rachel Amber. I binge played the games ferociously, the way someone binge-watches a series they get hooked on. The ultimate ending of the game was very divisive even amongst fans, with some comparing it to Mass Effect 3. I find that insulting; nothing is as bad as Mass Effect 3. Also, I actually liked the ending.
Yet for all that, it wasn't until the beginning of the last episode that it really got to me. It was entertainment before, but then it just... hit me. Deeply.
The 5th and final episode features a fake happy ending. I don't consider this a spoiler because the fakeness of it is bloody obvious. The bad guys are exposed, everyone is happy, birds sing, the Sun shines, the wind stands fair, and everybody lives.
The protagonist, Max, is a teenage photographer-wanna-be who goes to a posh artsy-fartsy school for hoity-toity artist-wanna-bes with pretentious snobby-snotty teachers. In the fake ending, Max makes it big. She becomes a national sensation. She does what she loves, she makes a living, people love her and her work, she's showered in critical acclaim, all at the ripe age of 18.
And that was when I was like, shit, I'm past 18. Where did all that time go? Why am I not as famous and successful as Max? Fuck you, Max. Max is a fictional character, of course, and even her happy ending wasn't real. It did make me think, though.
Where was I, 5 years ago? Who did I want to be, 5 years ago?
I know I was already watching MLP:FiM. My first fanfic -- my first piece of creative writing longer than a page, in fact -- was perhaps, maybe, sort of an idea in my head, perhaps. I remember talking to a then-friend of mine -- who since then has blocked all communication and refuses to speak with me -- about getting into fanfics. I remember telling him, dude, what's even the point? It's not like fanfics will help me in any way. I'll be lucky if anyone even reads them, and come on, they're fanfics. For My Little Pony. Sort of a long shot from legitimate writing, don't you think?
He reassured me and told me it doesn't matter. If I wanted to do it, what the Hell, why shouldn't I? So I went ahead and wrote a fic. And then a few more over the course of the next few years. You may have heard of them.
A guy who goes by PaulAsaran on here, someone I consider a friend, once said my fics make it seem like I don't believe in happy lives. The sad part is he's right. Sort of.
I've never been legitimately happy. Content, maybe, but not happy-happy. I don't think I've ever known anyone who was. Growing up, I honestly, legitimately didn't believe that you can be an adult and still be happy. I never believed that love lasts. I thought parents were supposed to grow estranged. I thought friendships were supposed to break up. I thought you were supposed to be more bitter the older you get. I thought that as a child, your problems literally do not matter, and as an adult, nobody cares. I wasn't sad about any of these things. It was normal to me. It was just how the world was, you know? I never believed in Santa. I remember trying to convince my kindergarten mates that Santa wasn't real, trying to point out the glaringly obvious fake beard of the fake Santa that they sent to cheer us up near Christmas.
I watched fairy tales. I loved Disney. I saw these stories of advetures and love. I saw heroes slay dragons. I saw the knights in shining armour save the princess. I saw them live happily ever after. And I always thought, hey, that was a cool story, but obviously it's just a fairy tale. Things in them aren't real. The dragons and fairies and happiness aren't real.
Here's an unrelated gif of Max dancing to lighten the mood because it's getting too depressing.
Five years ago, I was still in that mindset. I wanted to get a shitty 8-to-4 job like everyone else and live weekend to weekend and have kids with a woman you don't despise completely and die as you're supposed to. Those were the pinnacle of my aspirations in this life. And honestly, if that's all I got out of life eventually... well, I can think of worse fates. But now I actually want more. Slowly, I'm learning to dream. I never dared to dream before.
Life is Strange came at the exact point where it needed to come for me. It was the tipping point in a lot of ways. I quit fanfiction last year, and I began work on my first original novel earlier this year. I intend to publish by the end of this year. And maybe I'll fail. Maybe the book will suck. Maybe it will be good but nobody's going to read it because I'll fail to advertise it properly. Maybe. That doesn't mean I shouldn't try. That doesn't mean I won't. Life is weird, but life doesn't have to suck.
Because I realised that I want to write. I'd like to be an author. There's literally nothing stopping me from becoming one, or at least trying. I have plans for several books, enough to fill my time for the next five years or more. Maybe I'll get a job I actually like. Maybe I'll manage to make a living as an author. Hell, maybe I'll even fall in love one day. I'm getting a degree in theoretical physics, I'm working on a novel, I'm amazing. I'm gonna shit my pants, I'm so amazing.
I am not the person I thought I'd be 5 years ago. I don't want to be the person that I wanted to be.
But fuck yes, I am exactly the person I want to be.
In your mind, in a future 5 years from now, are you the person that you want to be?
Obligatory pony. (source)
In 5 years I'll be ending High School.
That was oddly inspiring. :)
In five years I should be graduating with a masters, if I go through the program correctly. But man, hopefully in five years I can say that I've actually helped edit a novel! That'd be a big plus for me.
Five years ago I didn't even care about pony except that one of my friends (who is no longer into pony) made the occasional, crazy reference. Five years ago I'd just finished my first year of Latin, learning how to say the most basic of phrases and reading Ecce Romani I. Five years ago I was just getting ready to finish high school. I didn't have a Skype. I didn't have a Discord. I really didn't talk to anyone online. I didn't know anyone internationally as much as I know people like you, Reccs. It's crazy. I never honestly thought I would ever reach far enough to make it out of where I live like I have, even though it's not a physical movement.
You have no idea how happy I am to see this. No, seriously, I'm getting kinda emotional just thinking that – finally – you're taking a look around.
I tend not to think about the future. I never really expected to live past sixteen, so each successive year begins with a thought of "Oh, I'm still here? Huh." It does, however, amuse me to think that maybe someday I'll write a book that will get a following of some kind, and maybe some of those people will learn that I used to write fanfiction, and then they'll dig up this site and discover this weird mix of strange and terrible and sometimes good ponewords that I wrote, and they will laugh, and laugh, and laugh. It might happen to you someday, too.
Having played through that game: Man, screw Chloe. I got to the alternate timeline where she got a car on her 16th birthday, and I was all, "Holy crap, this is the person who I want to be friends with — childhood friend or no, in the primary timeline I just want to nope right the f*ck out of her life". (That was the only part that legitimately had me distraught over her fate as the game pulled back the camera to reveal the full tragedy of the situation. I think that was the high point of the game.) There wasn't even a choice for me in the Act 5 ending — and oh my gods, what an act of hideous selfishness the alternative would have been.
Sweet stars that game took a screaming left turn into creepy in Act 5 though. The warning label didn't prepare me.
Anyway, to the actual point of the post. All I can say is, that's awesome.
That's just ... that is just awesome, right there. Welcome to your life. (There's no turning back.)
In hindsight, I hope you're cool with the idea of all those people with their weird Santa bs and their dragons and their fairies? Of course they don't exist [1]. But what everyone was trying to communicate to you with them all along was how to dream. I apologize on behalf of the world for most people having such dull and cliche dreams — rolling your own is the best thing there is.
--
[1] Well, not on any level we can touch, anyway. Says the self-identified dragon.
I live!
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Don't forget to make plans in the meantime.
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Seriously though.
I know, I have that effect on people. I should try my hand at writing.
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Let's hope so. And I know, the internet is amazing, "global village" and everything. In my mind (har har), it's one of humanity's most important inventions, right up there with the fire and wheel and electricity.
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Mirrors my uncertainty when it comes to my writing. Well... one way to find out, right?
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Aww man, I'm making Papa cry.
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Yeah, I don't plan on outright hiding my involvement with the fandom if/when I start publishing "real" books. Not that I'll ever advertise it outside of the fandom itself. It's weird; anyone who finds out about the brony thing might hate me for it because bronies have a terrible rep, and a considerable portion of the fandom also hates me because of my, er, outspoken opinion on the show's later seasons. No respite on either side.
I'm not sure about your private life, but whatever is holding you down... keep going, man.
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I share your sentiments on Chloe fully, right down to the alternate one. Second panel was pretty much >mfw the whole game. If she wasn't literally dying in the alternate timeline, I would've just wanted to stay there and call it a happy end. Also, the part at the end in the nightmare where you talk to Jefferson and you only get to tell him you love him and stuff... that made me stand up and leave the game for the night before coming back fresh, and I'd been marathoning ep1-5 with close to no breaks. I'm still disappointed they seem to have just dropped the "Prescott destiny" plot, though.
...As for the real point, yeah, I recognise the value of Santa Claus and similar characters. I just remember feeling ostracised because I didn't believe they were literally real when I was a kid. Like there was something wrong with me. Bah! And they wonder why I came out bitter.
Working on those dreams, too. It's harder than I thought.
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Well, pony is just a cartoon to me. A special one, sure, because it got me into writing and I'll never forget that, but it isn't putting down pony that's hard -- it's easy -- but finding something else.
3924016 Just returned from my final exams. It wasn't bad.
And don't forget to make more of the Night Shift stuff, so you would have your banner triology.
3924426 Hah! How crazy would that be, a sudden NS story out of the blue?
Finals, erg. Wait till you get to high school. As a senior, I feel like I don't want to do it, empathy, but the need to do it is also there.
3924946 Actually it would be crazy 3 days ago when they announced the game of my life and the 3rd May Constitution Day was held the same day.
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