Chapter 4 part 3, Appelack hurting Twilight alternative ver 2 scene · 3:52pm Apr 27th, 2016
After the voting with 30 votes for alternative scene and 5 votes for the original, I've decided to use alternative instead. However, it was pointed out that Big Mac's reaction was to weak and between so I wrote up an update. Please look into the updated part and vote if it improve the alternative scenes. Feedback and suggestions are always welcome.
//This is the alternative scene without updating, I marked the part that I plan to change (also, I added AJ's hat falling from her head):
“It is me, Twilight. I’m here to help!” she shouted, standing on her rear hooves.
Applejack rubbed her ear before walking towards another tree, her movements even more shaky than before as she walked down the little hill, tripping over and rolling on the ground. Hat fell from her head.
Twilight followed, catching up with the farm mare who was now lying upside down against an apple tree. She asked, “Need a hoof?”
Applejack blinked her bloodshot eyes before rolling to the side, her forelegs shaking as she struggled to stand. Acting as if she didn’t see or hear her little friend. Hat no longer covering her head.
“Please, let us help,” Big Mac said as he approached with slow steps.
“Help… help… Ah don’t need no help.”
“But ya’re hurtin’ yerself. It’s another sleepless night that you’ve spent workin’ on the farm.” The stallion plead, “Please, let us help like yer friends helped weeks ago.“
Twilight’s ears drooped as she felt deja-vu for some reasons.
“Ah have mah pride! Ya said Ah cannot do it on mah own, well, Ah will manage! Ah will prove to ya and everypony that Ah can gather all the apples on mah own,” Applejack responded with a tired but determined voice, though talking to a tree rather than her brother.
“Yer really worryin’ me sis.”
Twilight raised forehoof up to her mouth as a memory flashed in her mind.
“The blessing Nightmare Moon honored me with can only be researched at night.”
Spike groaned.“Besides, the moon keeps me awake and stronger than ever. I can manage!” Twilight said in determination as yet another drop of sweat fell onto her muzzle.
“But this is your tenth sleepless night, Twilight! The more you research it, the more tired you’ll be the next day!” Spike said with a concerned look, but Twilight just ignored him as she poured more magic into her horn. “You’re really worrying me!”
A one-ton load in the appearance of a few bookshelves, levitated in mid air.
Twilight lowered her head in shame and rubbed her foreleg. How could I be so insensitive to Spike’s, Steel Blade’s, and Overwatch’s feelings? she thought, now seeing Applejack being her mirror reflection. After releasing a deep sigh, she raised her looked between both Apples. It seems even her brother can’t convince Applejack to change her mind, not when she’s in such condition.
She rubbed her chin, now glancing at the towering trees. Helping with labor would take too much time, not to mention that trees wouldn’t grow apples back for a long time if I levitated the apples with my magic, but I must do something to cut down Applejack’s work.
Twilight smiled and stomped as realization struck her. That’s it. Applejack must be on the verge of complete exhaustion. Maybe I can put her into sleep with my magic. It will help her recover and buy us more time. With plan in her mind, she lit her horn with magic and jumped towards her friend’s muzzle, whose hind legs were raised above the ground as Applejack was struggling with her aim.
“Whaaa!” Applejack yelped in surprise and started shaking her muzzle, throwing Twilight over her head.
The little unicorn bounced on her back before speeding towards the tree, only to feel cold hoof strike against her back, inflicting an incredible amount of pain in her breaking bones. A second and third strike quickly followed, pressing against her back as she was literally embedded into the tree, with her own body pinned against the wooden surface as all the apples fell from the tree alongside several branches from repetitive strikes.
“Stupid vermins and bugs, infestin’ mah trees and apples. That’ll teach’em,” Applejack said in annoyance as she started to walk towards the next tree. While she didn’t have time to kick the annoying bug with full strength, not to mention being weakened after days of hard work, a few quick strikes were enough to make sure it wouldn’t cause more trouble to her farm.
Her walk was interrupted as her muzzle to press against Big Mac’s chest who blocked her way.
“Applejack.”
The farm mare took a step back and shook her head.
“Applejack!”
“Ah’em workin’, time’s apples,” she said as she walked shaky, struggling to round her brother who stepped to the side and once again blocked her way.
“Applejack, look behind ya,” he said as his patience started to running out. Upon seeing how not even words can reach his sister anymore, he raised his foreleg and slapped her.
“What in the haystack was tha’ for?” Applejack asked as her tired mind failed to process what was happening around her.
“Look for yerself!” Big Mac shouted into her ear with hostility as he pointed towards the unicorn shaped hole in the tree. Overwatch had already removed the little mare from the surface and placed her face-up on the ground, using her magic to keep Twilight’s head and neck as rigid as possible as she carefully felt for a pulse.
Applejack rubbed her sleepy eyes to get a better look as her brain finally sent her a late but clear ‘you just crushed your friend with a solid kick, you buckhead’ message. The moment her vision cleared and brain finally woke up, Applejack felt shivering in her bones as she ran towards the tree.
“Twilight!”
The charcoal guard mare shot Applejack a withering glare through watery eyes as she stood protectively over her charge, who laid on the ground like a lifeless doll. With little ceremony, she charged up a spell on her horn and shot a shining blue flare into the sky, watching it hit its peak before turning her cold gaze back to the farm mare.
Applejack’s heart started to beat faster as she placed her trembling hooves on both sides of her head and screamed, “W-what have Ah done?!”
//This is the updated part.
The little unicorn bounced on her back before speeding towards the tree, only to feel cold hoof strike against her back, inflicting an incredible amount of pain in her breaking bones. Big Mac gasped and ran to her aid, though being too far away to stop his sister from what she was about to do.
A second and third strike quickly followed, pressing against her back as Twilight was literally embedded into the tree, with her own body pinned against the wooden surface. Next two strikes missed the target thanks to Overwatch’s levitation as all the apples fell from the tree alongside several branches from repetitive strikes.
Upon noticing Twilight’s guard running to her aid, Big Mac glared at his sister and narrowed his eyes. His steps now slow but firm as his hooves sank into the ground. While he knew that it was yet another of many accidents, it was one too many.
“Stupid vermins and bugs, infestin’ mah trees and apples. That’ll teach’em,” Applejack said in annoyance as she started to walk towards the next tree. While she didn’t have enough time to kick the annoying bug with full strength, not to mention being weakened after days of hard work, a few quick strikes were enough to make sure it wouldn’t cause more trouble to her farm.
Her walk was interrupted as her muzzle to press against Big Mac’s chest who blocked her way.
“Applejack!”
The farm mare took a step back and shook her head, ignoring the enraged glare of her brother.
“Applejack!” Big Mac stomped with great force, causing a weak quake under his sister’s hooves.
“Ah’em workin’, time’s apples,” she said as she walked shaky, struggling to round her brother who stepped to the side and once again blocked her way.
“Applejack, look behind ya!” he said as his patience started to running out. Upon seeing how not even words can reach his sister anymore, he raised his foreleg and slapped her.
“What in the haystack was tha’ for?” Applejack asked as her tired mind failed to process what was happening around her.
“Look for yerself!” Big Mac shouted into her ear with hostility as he pointed towards the unicorn shaped hole in the tree. Overwatch had already removed the little mare from the surface and placed her face-up on the ground, using her magic to keep Twilight’s head and neck as rigid as possible as she carefully felt for a pulse. “She did all she could to help, yet ya hurt her. Yer in for a long lecture, sis.”
If you like the update and want it added to the alternative scene, upvote this comment, if you prefer alternative as it is, downvote this comment.
Suggestions and opinions are welcome.
I didn't mind the previous versions personally, but I do find this new version more credible on AJ, Bigmac and Overwatch's characterizations.
Good. I still like Applejack's temper coming forward, but this one works perfectly. Actually noting that Big Mac is reacting, even if he can't get to them in time, is a huge improvement for his character.
I will say, though.....I think Applejack's in for more than a lecture, regardless of which version of the scene is used. Injuring anypony that badly would probably have her in serious legal trouble, but Twiny isn't just anypony. Regardless, really looking forward to the next parts to see how this injury is dealt with, since I think that Applejack may have just injured Twilight more seriously than anything else has in the past.
Hm. It was good up until the last line. Saying that she's in for a lecture makes her sound like just a misbehaving filly. It really diminishes from the seriousness of what she just did.
I really like the new version and can't wait to see this in the chapter!
And what else Big Mac would say? Keep in mind that he's not talktive, and now didn't seem like a good time for mentioning any punishment.
Everthing about the update looks good, but the last line seem wrong and weakened the scene a little. I would say that pride can be a good thing, but combined with stubbornness can lead to many bad things.
Maybe something along the lines of, "She did all she could to help, yet ya hurt her because of your buckin' stubborness. Applejack ya crossed a line ya can't uncross."
Big Mac's anger and use of "buckin" in the line show that the normally soft spoken stallion isn't holding back and is completely serious. Applejack being his sister would take this like a second slap in the face, especially his use of "Applejack" instead sis.
3900706
good idea, I may consider using your line.
i think this is better then the other as well.
3900722
I like the updated version with Lunar Wolf's line added, though I do not know how to upvote, or downvote for that matter, just favorite and like. but if I knew how I would upvote
3901052
You can thumb up and down comments. Just upvote or downvote a comment I made on the bottom.
Sorry, but this is the only good way to make a fair voting considering the tools I am given on blogs.
3901397
Thanks.