Mykanuary: Starfleet Magic: THE MOVIE · 6:24pm Jan 27th, 2016
The throne room of Unicornicopia sat the king of the Unicorns. The great and powerful Grand Ruler, Celesto, himself. Below the king stood seven unicorns, kneeling their heads to him. The first one stood up, a white unicorn with a long golden horn atop his head. “My Grand Ruler, what is the emergency?”
It was only mere moments ago that the group of seven, known as Starfleet Magic, were called from their training quarters by a disturbance. It wasn’t anything the group hadn’t seen before. But if it was important enough for the Grand Ruler to summon them, then they knew to listen.
“There is a terrible monster coming to destroy our beloved city!” the Grand Ruler stated.
The white unicorn, known as Lightning Dawn, glanced up to the Grand Ruler. “A terrible monster? Are you sure?”
“Even as we speak,” the Grand Ruler began. “The creature approaches our city.”
“But where did it come from?” a female voice came from the group.
The Grand Ruler’s eyes directed themselves to the white unicorn with a flowing violet mane. “The dark lord of evil, Titan, summoned this being and is using it to attack us to try to enslave us.”
Lightning Dawn stood up quickly, giving a salute. “Don’t worry, my Grand Ruler. We’ll make sure this monster pays for attacking us!” The group gave a collective conformation, bringing a smile to the Grand Ruler’s heart.
“Then good luck, my Starfleet Magic. You can do it.”
With that Lightning Dawn crossed his arms giving a grunt that signified his strength and power. Suddenly, a suit began to encase his body from the bottom of his foot to the top of his head. A flexible steel alloy that worked similar to cloth, allowing complete range of movement. Shining white, like it’s wearer's body. A helmet appeared across his head, fixing itself in the shape of a horse’s head. A seemingly glass piece where the eye was located began to glow white as the suit began to shine a similar light.
Lightning turned to his group and gave a nod as the six other unicorns performed the same movement, each giving a collective grunt. The group began to shift and shape into an armored individual, with the only difference in them being color. The girl, Starla Shine, in a pink suit that did not to much to hide the fact that she was the only female of the group, approached Lightning and put her hand on his shoulder. “Let’s do this!”
Lightning gave a nod. “Right!”
With that, his golden horn flashed and the seven were gone.
***
A breath of green flame emerge from the violet green dragon’s nostrils. Traveling across several building rooftops, the beast spewed its fire to the ground below. Unicorns scampering in all directions, women carrying their young, the children crying as the twice their size dragon gave a cry of hate to the very heaven themselves.
The creature’s wings beat as it approached the ground. A dust cloud burst from all sides of the beast as it’s massive legs crushed the pavement under its taloned feet.
It examined the surrounding area, giving another shout to the sky. Fire emerging from its mouth.
Suddenly, a flash of light appeared near the beast, causing it to put its claws to block the blinding beam. When the light disappeared, there stood seven armored unicorns, all standing straight at the beast, like a horned and winged rainbow.
The dragon stomped its foot and roared at the seven figures. Still, the figures stood firm. Lightning gave a nod. “Let’s take him out, guys!”
The group took a fighting stance, as if ready for the beast to strike at any moment. The beast drew a breath.
A thunderous booming sound echoed all around them. Red blood shot from the dragon’s chest, out towards the seven figures. It gave a whimper as it collapsed to the ground. As it fell, it revealed, standing several yards behind it, an armored figure.
Not unlike the unicorns of Starfleet Magic, the only difference was that his suit was dark green and had a long violet cape flowing behind him as the gentle wind pushed against him. The mysterious figure stood, a long twin barreled weapon in his hand. Pointing it where the dragon had once been.
“Lightning? Who is that?” Starla asked.
Lightning didn’t respond, but he didn’t know. He had never seen this man in Starfleet Magic. Who ever he was.
Rhymey, the unicorn in yellow, took a step forward. “Well, that was easier done than said. The beast is defeated, the dragon is -”
The booming sound came again as holes appeared in Rhymey’s body, blood shooting out of every puncture. The armor seemed to do little to stop the small pellets from cutting through it like paper from in front of the yellow rhyming unicorn and out through the back.
The flab of flesh that had once been called Rhymey fell to the ground in a pool of his own blood. Lightning could only look at the corpse who had once been his partner before looking up at the stranger with the barrelled weapon. Smoke poured out from the weapon as if to directly point the blame at the mysterious man.
Something he made no attempt to hide.
Instead, he placed his hand on his gun, pumping his weapon before taking aim again. “Look out!” Lightning screamed.
The booming sound was only preceded by the unicorns diving out of the path of the stranger’s weapon. Artie, a unicorn in a red uniform, drew the long blade hanging from his side and leaped into the air. Gravity and Artie’s wings combined to give him a thundering speed towards the stranger. However, the stranger was able to leap out of the way of Artie’s blade. As Artie landed, smoke and pieces of street burst as he smashed into the pavement.
Without missing a beat, Artie swung at the stranger, causing his opponent to step back to avoid the blade. Another swing was blocked by the stranger’s weapon. At that moment, the stranger drove his foot into Artie’s crotch, causing him to release his sword and collapse to the ground, his hands moving to block the area from another blow.
With his opponent down, the stranger positioned his weapon to Artie’s head. With a pull of the trigger, a large hole appeared in Artie’s helmet, blood splattering from the small hole generated only darker than the suit itself.
“Dyno, vamos a matar a este hombre!” one of the brown armored unicorns, Myte, said to the other.
“Sí , va a pagar por matar a nuestros amigos!” Dyno replied, grabbing a hold of his brother’s hand.
The two unicorns moved at a speed resembling a bullet towards the stranger. They slammed into the green unicorn, sending him flying to the ground. However, that barely slowed down the stranger as he stood back up and fired at the two Spanish speaking heroes.
As the bullets flew towards them, Dyno and Myte split off, avoiding the pellets altogether. Again, without giving the stranger a chance to react, they rammed into him. The stranger staggered with each and every blow.
Lightning watched as Dyno and Myte continued their relentless beating of to the stranger. Suddenly, the horn on top of the stranger’s head began to glow as well as his hand. Lightning could sense the magic he was gathering. With that knowledge, Lightning knew the stranger’s next strategy.
“Dyno, Myte!” he cried.
But it was too late. The two armored figures rushed to the stranger as they had, in a predictable fashion. This time the stranger was ready. His glowing hand smashed into the ground. From the point of impact, a wave of energy burst all around him. Like a brick wall, the speedsters slammed into it causing them to fly backwards as the force blast made contact.
With Dyno on the ground, still recovering, the stranger pointed his weapon at him, shooting him in the chest. Myte screamed as his brother became nothing more than a lump on the ground. Myte rushed past the stranger, knocking him over as he made his way to his brother.
Myte looked down on his brother, his chest plate exposed with the sight of blood. Tears gathered in his eyes as he weeped for his sibling, placing his head on Dyno’s chest.
The stranger stood back up, quickly. A small wrist mounted missile fired towards the brothers. Lightning only saw the missile at the last second before the brothers’ bodies were consumed by the fiery explosion.
Buddy Rose pulled a stick from his suit that pointed into a spear. Pointed it to the ground, vines began to emerge from the ground, gathering around the stranger. With a flap of his wings, the stranger lifted himself into the air.
An arrow whizzed by him. As he turned to see the source, Starla prepared another arrow for him. Upon firing it, the vines began to wrap around the stranger’s legs, pulling him in the path of the arrow. With speed that defied logic, the stranger conjured a force field to block the arrow. Pointing down with his shotgun, he fired on the vines that caught him.
However, before he could move, an arrow found it’s way into the side of the shotgun, shattering it into three pieces. His weapon now useless, the stranger took higher to the sky. As he came down, he pulled out a green blade from his armor, heading straight for Starla.
However, a wall of vines found itself between the stranger and her. The stranger stopped just short of wall. The vines burst from the wall heading straight for him. With a quick flap of his wings, the stranger ran from Buddy Rose’s attack. Lightning smiled as they finally had him on the ropes.
Buddy Rose continued to manipulate the plants to chase the figure. However, the figure proved too fast for the plants to catch him. The stranger began to fly towards the ground. Lightning could see he was coming up on Buddy Rose quickly. The shocked looked on Buddy’s face showed that he knew too. A wall of vines began to emerge from the ground.
Even as they stood to protect Buddy, however, the green blade was sent hurling towards Buddy with a flick of the stranger’s horn, slicing through the wall as if it was made of fog. The blade stuck itself into his chest as he fell to the ground. The vines crumbled to the ground, powerless without their master.
The stranger landed with a thunderous crack, shaking the ground around him. Lightning knew it was time to step in and deal with him. He had hoped his friends could weaken him as they always did, but this man was different. He was not like any of their other enemies.
Still, he would be defeated all the same. Lightning summoned his Rainbow Rod, given to him by the Grand Ruler. The stranger pulled his weapon out of Buddy Rose’s body, blood seeping from the wound.
An arrow from Starla soared towards him, only to be cut out of the air by the stranger. Lightning looked to his left to see Starla firing arrow after arrow towards the stranger. And every time, the stranger would block or deflect the air with his blade. Taking this opportunity, Lightning soared into the air, his Rainbow Rod high above him. Positioning himself high above his opponent, he flew towards the ground, preparing to slam him weapon onto him.
The stranger looked up to see Lightning about to strike. At the last second, the stranger dove out of the way of Lightning’s attack a dust cloud forming as the impact shook the ground. The stranger, in mid fall, took an arrow to the shoulder. The stranger made no sound as the arrow went into his body, but Lightning could tell it had wounded him. He pulled out the arrow, its head stained with blood. The stranger glanced over to Starla who prepared another arrow.
With a flap of his wings, he rushed towards Starla, avoiding her arrows along the way. The stranger raised his sword and struck at Starla, only for her to block with her bow. Twisting her body, the stranger’s blade was sent to her left. A snap of her leg delivered a kick to the stranger’s side.
She swung her bow to the stranger’s face, but was blocked by his blade. Pushing the bow with all her might, spinning her around, giving herself some distance, she reached into her quiver, and fired another arrow. The stranger deflected the arrow, as he rushed towards her. Bolt after bolt launched at the figure as he swatted them out of the air like flies.
He raised his weapon to strike Starla. Starla blocked with her bow, the force of the stranger’s weapon, sending her bow right from her hands. With her defenses down, the stranger plunged the blade straight into Starla’s chest. She looked up to his faceless mask, staring only at her reflection as her legs began to lose strength. He pulled the blade from her, raising above her, like an executioner.
Suddenly, a beam of energy slammed against the stranger sending him soaring across the battlefield.
Starla collapsed to the ground, coughing up blood. Lightning rushed to her side, grabbing her hand tightly. “Starla!” his voice quivering. “Starla, please, stay with me.”
Starla tried to speak, but her voice was drowned out by her coughs and the blood. She could only reach up with her shaking hand, gently stroking Lightning’s check. Then, the hand fell, never to come up.
Lightning’s heart burned with hatred as he stared at the stranger, who was climbing out of the rubble his Uniforce had sent him. Raising his Rainbow Rod and with a flap of his wings, Lightning made for the stranger. Quickly, the stranger raised his blade to deflect Lightning’s attack.
With a flick of the stranger’s horn, he generated a blast of energy, sending Lightning back several feet. Lightning looked up to see the stranger had taken to the air, coming at him fast. However, like his name sake, Lightning had moved out of the way before the stranger could hit him.
Instead, the blade stuck to the ground, with the stranger effortlessly pulling it out. Lightning swung at the stranger from above. The stranger blocked with his own weapon. Lightning, anticipating this, swept his rod from underneath the blade, sending it soaring into the air. With his weapon gone, Lightning summoned the power of the Uniforce sending the stranger flying backwards several yards as the beam of energy pummeled him.
Smoke began to emanate from the stranger’s green armor as he slowly rose to his feet. Lightning felt he finally had him on the ropes. He would avenge his friend’s deaths. The faceless man stared at Lightning as he pulled a strange object from his belt. A handle, in the shape of a D, that extended into a long shaft. Suddenly, the object began to glow. The shaft continued with a bright red light, forming into curved blade at the very end. A … shovel?
The stranger grabbed the shaft of his weapon and leaped towards Lightning. Lightning raised his rod to block the stranger’s attack. The shovel flickered as it connected with the Rainbow Rod. Lightning swung him with his rod, but the stranger simply took a step back, avoiding the blow.
With swift swing of the shovel, he sliced at Lightning’s leg, ripping it from his body. A screech of pain soared from Lightning’s lungs as he toppled to one knee, his hands grabbing his leg. Lightning looked up to the stranger.
It was as if the world had gone in slow motion. The stranger was using the momentum of his first swing to generate a second. One that was coming level with his neckline. Lightning tried to move, to fight, anything. His strength failed him. His speed. His training. Instead, he closed his eyes.
The head of Lightning soared several yards away as the stranger set his shovel into the ground. His hands reached up for the his helmet. The air hissed as he began to remove it, followed by a cackle. The face of a green pony with dark glasses and an even darker mane smiled at the corpse below him. “I love being the villain.”
***
As he sat typing his story, the Critique paused to reflect and chuckle. “I love hate fics.”
***
Welcome, everyone to the last week of Mykanuary. Yes, it’s been a fun month. We’ve seen Mykan whine and… … … no, that’s pretty much it.
So why change things up? After all, change is apparently a horrible thing.
Let’s not waste a lot of time on backstory, since most of it you can pretty much piece together. Basically, Starfleet is a tribe of space unicorns who conquered the land of Equestria and turned all our favorite characters into slaves after blowing up their planet. But they’re good sports about it, so I guess it’s legit.
After two seasons of adventuring around the corner of the living room where all the action figures are kept, lest they be allowed outside of the comfort zone that Mykan’s built for himself, Mykan decided it was finally time for a movie.
Way to push the fucking boat out.
The Equestria Girls movie hadn’t come out about that time, but that comes later in his series where all of them become humans and go to a human high school. The sort of environment that you’d expect Mykan to write about with these characters, but I digress.
Starfleet is about a series of unicorns traveling around the universe beating up everyone they don’t like. And if they aren’t beating them up, their humiliating them for entertainment purposes. They run into the villain's minions a few times foiling their plans before taking on the big baddie themselves and defeating them through the power of contrivances.
Starfleet Magic the Movie is more of that, with a slightly bigger villain. In fact you could be forgiven for thinking that you’re just reading Season 1 and Season 2 all over again. Albeit much shorter, which I count as a mercy.
So, I’ve put this off long enough. Let’s end Mykanuary with Starfleet the Space Pricks the Magic the Gathering the Movie.
Centuries ago, in a magical, multi-dimensional universe; a powerful creature known as Grand Ruler Celesto landed on a barren planet that would one day become Unicornicopia where he established a super fighting defense empire known as Starfleet, to engange in a never-ending struggle against evil and injustice.
After centuries of battling and defeating countless foes of many shapes and sizes, the noble master was reunited with his lost love, Celestia of the planet Equestria, and united their two worlds together as one to form the ultimate kingdom of friendship and justice.
With the aid of their trusted apprentices, Lightning Dawn and Twilight Sparkle, and all their pony friends and other creature allies; the planet United Equestria still stands tall and proud, but Starfleet continues to remain on constant alert for any oncoming evil that threatens their world and their universe.
Today that tradition continues…!
For those who had doubts that this was going to be the same fucking thing that we’ve seen already, there is your answer.
We start our story with a gang of thugs stealing goods from various planets. Their leader is named Snatch.
He was big, buff; he had two bull horns, red skin, and wore thick dark pants.
Okay, I’m with you so far. It’s Iron Will with parachute pants.
The group discuss how rich they are and how much they love money. Instead of giving us intriguing characters like
“Gee, I sure can’t wait to see my daugher! She’ll be so happy we got the money for her life saving operation!”
Or “Golly, I can make my house payment with this and my family won’t be forced to live on the street.”
But no, like all villains in a Mykan story, one dimensional cartoon villains are all he knows to write, so expect for them to have as much depth as the puddle my dog left you on your front lawn.
He was pleased with all the loot his friends had gotten. “Way to go, you guys.” he said “This makes five whole years, and not once been caught.” The others agreed, and soon they were all dividing the loot between each other. The dragons especially loved the diamonds and found it hard to resist eating them instead of saving them for profit. “I tell you, I could live off this life forever.” one of them said.
The dragons found new food to start eating. Mainly their comrades. Which might explain why they’ve never been caught. Anyone who would have talked is now being dissolved in the dragon’s digestive system.
Frankly, I envy those guys.
However, as they count their gold, in this magical land where magic is commonplace, they find something very strange indeed.
One of the minotaurs was counting up the money, when one of the bags began to levitate “What the?” he snapped. The others soon saw the same thing, and then noticed one of the treasure chests was moving all on its own.
“You think it’s a, GULP… Ghost!” cried one of the dragons.
I now see why I pick on Spike and why Spike decided that being a pony is better than being a dragon. Turns out that all the dragons are a bunch of fucking pussies!
The other creatures all trembled, but Snatch was fooled by this. “Let me see…” and he grabbed the chest, revealing two small warping fairies underneath. “Aha!” he thundered which frightened the little fairies away, and then Snatch grabbed onto the bag with his hand and then, with his magic, blasted a beam at the rocks revaling a humanoid unicorn from United Equestria, and young dragon friend. “I think we’re busted, Twilight.”
“You think, Spike?” snapped Twilight.
I’d tell you that this was all part of a really ingenious plan to sneak the gold away while they weren’t looking because it was Twilight and Spike against about 40 thieves, but that would be giving Mykan credit again. And frankly, I used my credit to buy enough booze to make it through the last fic. Which I’m still not convinced I actually reviewed.
Snatch stomped towards them snickering sinisterly and threateningly pounding his fist into his other palm. “Busted is exactly what you two trespassers are about to be.”
“Don’t even think about, Snatch!” called a voice form above, and a white alicorn with a golden horn leapt down by his two friends. “Who are you supposed be?” asked Snatch.
“Well, this is Lieutenant/Princess Twilight Sparkle; this is Spike, and I’m Captain Lightning Dawn, Starfleet!”
Turns out that Twilight was playing damsel in distress so that Lightning could swoop in and save her at the last minute. God, Mykan, if you hate Twilight so much, why don’t you just kill her?
… Haven’t see you in a while? Where have you been? … You better not have made a mess in the backyard again!
Snatch had had about enough of this and ordered his gang to charge the intruders. The three friends were surrounded, but as they all dove in at once and began brawling, they stopped when they realized their enemies had gone, for Twilight quickly teleported them all to the other side of the room. “Hey, guys, looking for us?” Spike teased.
The gang decided to get real tough.
Oh, no! Because they apparently weren’t trying before! Now they’ve put on their big boy pants!
And remember what I said about dragons being a race dominated by fucking idiots…
“Ha!” scoffed Snatch “This will be over in a snap.” and his thieves rushed towards the two ponies. “Tell you what…” one of the dragons gloated cockily at Lightning “Just to show we’ll be gentle, I’ll give you one free punch.” and he lowered his big head to Lightning’s level.
“Fine, but don’t say you weren’t warned.” Lightning said and he clenched his fist and bashed the dragon’s face, sending him sailing across the room and crashing into the rock wall hard.
I’m starting to think Mykan has something against dragons. Why do you hate dragons so much? Did one poop on your car and this is the way you can get revenge on them?
The fight continues until we get to the boss where we get a fight scene. And by fight scene, I think you all know what I mean.
This only made Snatch laugh and he proceeded to blast at Twilight with his dark powers, only to have her counter with her own magic resulting in a perfect stalemate. Then he charged fast at both her and Lightning with his fists and feet punching and kicking like crazy, Twilight and Lightning got hit and pummeled every single time, and they even got blasted but didn’t seem to make any attempt to raise their defenses, and finally they collapsed. Snatch laughed at them “You’ll be the first, huh? Like I said, no one ever beats Snatch.” He moved closer ready for the final attack, but Twilight and Lightning just bolted upright with goofy smiles on their faces, much to Snatch’s shock. They had only been playing with him, when really they hardly felt any of his attacks at all. “I guess you never tangled with Starfleet before.” Lightning said “Or Friendship is Magic.” added Twilight. Their super training made their bodies super solid and strong.
Well, there’s only one thing on Lightning’s body that is super solid and strong, because that’s pretty much a dick move on his part. Twilight less so, why? Because she’s Friendship is Magic. Hey, if Mykan gets to be petty and pick our poor, defenseless ponies, I get to pick on his stupid Starfleet gits!
This is the one time I’m going to be nice to you, ponies, so you better enjoy it!
You want to go, you purple horned prick! … I mean… I love you…
They arrest Iron Will, who will never be mentioned in the story again, so what was the fucking point of him other than to establish characters who’ve established already? So, I repeat my question, WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT?!
They return to Starfuck Academy where we learn that Star’s are not the only thing getting fucked around here.
The gang winced in shock and some of them began to panic, but Lightning calmed them all down, and reminded everyone that they were given front row-seat invitations to the palace to be the first ones to see the new child.
Krysta warped them to the palace immediately!
Oh, good, the Chill-esto has children! I suspect that they’ll looked good with their heads chopped off and mounted on your wall, wouldn’t it? As if to say, “Guess what, everyone?! This is proof that I fucked Celestia up! Do you love me yet?! Want me to show you how it worked?!” While Celestia cries in a corner, continually tempting her thoughts of suicide.
The babies are born with a number of other characters I could mention, but frankly they have so little relevance on the plot, I have no idea why Mykan forces them in anyway, other than they have to be there otherwise, Lightning would have less people to push in front of him when things get tough.
And yes, I said babies. As in twins. As in a boy and a girl. As if Mykan wants the perfect family of just boys and girls equally distributed so he can adore one and scorn the other.
“But Critique, many families just have one boy and one girl. Why are you making a big deal out of this?”
Fair enough, I’ll make a big deal about the writing then. And the way it tries to create tension when Celestia’s sister walks into the room. I forget her name and for that matter, I don’t remember her being in the other two seasons. But that’s My Little Pony for you.
Suddenly, Princess Luna came to the door hollering Penny to come back and quick as something strange was happening. Penny dashed back in slamming the door shut leaving everyone outside feeling worried. “What do you think is going on?” asked Dyno.
“Ay’ Ay’ Ay’! I hope it is not serious.” said Myte.
This made Twilight worry if maybe the queen was ill, or the baby? “No!” she cried “Please let them be okay.”
“It’s okay, Twilight.” Spike said trying to comfort “Don’t go worrying yourself.”
Grand Ruler stood perfectly still with his whole body filled with worry and his nerves were going crazy. Soon, they all heard more baby cries, and Princess Luna was the one to emerge this time. “Luna.” Her brother-in-law asked “My wife-- is she…?”
Luna smiled warmly “Fear not. Celestia is fine, and you have a son.”
Now, the reason why this doesn’t work for me, number 1, it’s fucking weak as shit, with hardly any build up to it and the payoff being even worse. But, I have a hard time believing that anyone didn’t notice that she was having twins! Yes, there is no physical evidence and you certainly don’t feel differently compared to having one child, based on the testimony of women. But an ultrasound would determine about 10 weeks into pregnancy that there would be two sacks growing.
I realize that every pregnancy and every woman is different, but being the member of the fucking royal family, I would expect a little more care to be taken with the children of the fucking ruler of Equestria. I expect doctors to be crowding around her every minute of everyday until the baby is born! And then maybe a few months after! All this advanced space technology at the Grand Chill-case’s command and he can’t order an ultrasound for his wife to see the baby before they are born!
They hold a big party for the children where the three fairies come and bless the child with their gifts.
Actually, I’d be kind of down with that, if only to shift the focus away from the Starfailures.
When suddenly a evil witch comes to cast a curse onto the child and the evil witch is named…
But the moment they said “shake” did the ground start to quake. The babies began to cry in fear as the main doors burst wide open letting in stormy winds which blew fiercely. Pinkie Pie felt her whole body twitching “Ooh, something bad is coming. Really bad!” she cried. “Really, we didn’t notice.” Starla said as lightning and thunder struck. At once all the lights went out, and suddenly, in the middle of the room appeared a Draconequus. He looked rather like Discord, but much younger, smaller in size-- about the same size as their royal majesties-- His colors were inverted to that of Discord’s. He had no beard, and no buck tooth, and around his neck a string was a large glowing red orb.
The creature snickered softly “Now, now, your majesty. Is that really anyway to use your voice near the little ones?”
Celestia calmed the children down and left them for Cadance and Shining Armor to watch over while she joined her husband. “Who are you? Why have you come here?”
“Oh, my, where are my manners?” the creature said sarcastically “If you must know, my name is Distraught. I have traveled a vast distance across dimensional space search for my father, Discord.”
Would you like to know who the mother is?
Look, Discord understands me and my need for chaos! And he doesn’t beat me when I don’t suck on his Rainbow Rod.
Fair enough, Celestia. I’ll give you that one.
Distraught glared at her angrily “Yes, he was!” he put a heavy emphasis on the “was” He knew the whole story and that his father was dead; murdered at the hands of all the ponies of United Equestria. “You horrid, miserable creatures killed my father; the most glorious creature in the universe. He promised happiness and peace and all the glory for all.”
Well, we can see why Distraught is… Distraught. Mewah!
Oh, like you could come up with better jokes?!
So, Distraught tells how Discord was done a disservice by being disassembled and disintegrated. Disallowing him to prevent disaster. His disembowelment due to the dishonorable Grand Disgraceful Dumbass rather than disabling his disharmonious powers, led to Distraught disliking ponies like Mykan dis… I mean, does.
Also, his planet is destroyed. Because car crash!
Distraught shows them his powers! Powers that will allow him to destroy Starfleet with a wave of his mighty buttcheeks as the wind blows between them! So what is Distraught’s plan here? How is he going to destroy Lightning Dork and his gathering of paper plates?!
This only made Distraught laugh more. “Don’t think for one minute that I am intimidated. Allow me to demonstrate as small sample of my power.” He waved his hands over the red orb and it began to glow brightly sending out a wave red light in all directions spreading all over the kingdom, and then, nothing seemed to happen at all. “What was that?” asked Spike.
“What’s going on here?” wondered Shining Armor.
Distraught chuckled “…Consider yourselves warned. This is the beginning… of your end” He laughed loud and hard as vanished out of sight. The minute he was gone did the lights come back on again, and everyone began to feel very worried and confused. So many questions were still unanswered, and the number one question of all was what sort of spell did he just cast?
He runs away… Interesting strategy…
Well, he is your spawn, so I can’t blame him that much, but for goodness sake, you had a brilliant plan! Turn the characters against each other was a great way to break up the friendship! You had goals, ambitions! You were out to take the world! He’s just angry because his parents died!
Parents die all the time in Mykan stories. It’s not even hard. You just tie them to a bomb and watch while eating popcorn.
Are you going to hang over the entire review?
We find out however that Distraught was being dishonest about being disowned by everyone. As an evil voice tells him not to be disloyal and to disobey him, otherwise he’ll be distroyed like his dad. I mean, destroyed.
Five bits says this is the guy who disposed of Discord’s race. Because why the fuck else would he be here.
The heroes patrol the area for clues and for anything that has happen to the tune of ‘No Fear’ from Swan Princess, and I would write a song about that, but Computer says I don’t have the voice talent to pull of singing.
I am doing everyone a favor. Your singing voice sounds like a bag of cats being neutered.
Well, that was rude. Someone has been taking dick lessons from me.
As I said, you bring out the worst in me, sir.
After the song had ended, Lightning and friends returned to the palace after finishing their rounds. “Did you guys find anything?” asked Fluttershy.
“We searched high and we searched low
But nothing’s wrong as far as we know.” said Rhymey.
That’s because you did more singing than actually looking for something. I’m serious. It has them start their search, then a youtube video of the song and then Lightning coming up and asking what’s up.
The problem is probably not going to be in the 3 square feet of your bedroom!
Then something happens as our heroes head the nursery to I guess ask the newborns for answers.
Spike told the gang to come with him to the babies’ nursery. When they got there, a horrible sight met their eyes; the whole place had been ransacked and the babies’ cradles were tipped over with the little ones nowhere to be seen. Rarity could hardly believe her eyes “The babies! They have been kidnapped!” she cried.
*Gasp* Oh, no! Now the Grand Ruler will have to fuck Celestia again! RUN, CELESTIA, RUN!
But it turns out that Celestia’s children are fine as she is mothering them. The group begins to wonder why the room was ransacked if the children weren’t in the room. Knowing this story, I’m sure it’s because of either some MacGuffin stone, or because he was actually after the babies and thought they would be in the closet or something.
As they do, they discover that an attack is happening on the populace.
Suddenly, the warning alarm sounded. Everyone rushed to the throne room. “What’s happening?” asked Lightning. “See for yourself.” Goldwin said as he let him use his telescope. Starla gazed through it and she could see that New Canterlot was under attack by strange monsters they had never seen before. Big horrible brutes that growled and roared angrily and stomped through town and making a mess of things.
Can we please get some kind of description of what these ‘strange monsters’ look like? No… Fine, I’ll make one up myself.
The large scaly beast growled as it stared down the members of Starfleet, its teeth as thick as boulders, but as sharp as knives. Its long neck stretched outward as it belched to the sky, like a thunderclap in the air. Two short two digit claws outstretched and then pounded against his green torso. His challenge had been thrown, as he bent his knees. His three bright yellow toes twitched as he waited for his opponent to approached. As they approached, the tail behind him whipped forward smashing them into the dust.
See how easy that was?! I just made that up!
As the town is getting massacred by these monsters, the Starfleet heroes decide to do a little song and dance routine before they go and save the day. Screw the innocent people that are in danger, we need to look stylish before we put ourselves at risk.
The others nodded and Lightning and his friends transformed first “STARFLEET MAGIC!!”
Lightning: “Power of Believing!”
Starla: “Power of Space!”
Buddy Rose: “Power of Flora!”
Artie: “Power of Art!”
Rhymey: “I summon within; Power of Wind!”
Dyno & Myte: “Power of Fire!”
Then, Twilight and her friends donned their own special armor suits simply by concentrating hard and triggering off the essence of the Elements of Harmony resting within their bodies and enunciated their own special phrase “HARMONY-HOUR, FRIENDSHIP-POWER!!”
“I just love doing that.” said Rainbow “She even admired how her armor and her Wonderbolt uniform really made a cool combination.
Lightning stepped forth and recited the oath.
“Guardians of the universe,
United we stand
to punish all evil,
and protect what is grand!”
He and Twilight stood together and shouted “PONIES UNITE!!” followed by a flare of colored light and bright explosions. “All right, team, let’s get ‘em!” said Captain Lightning, and then Twilight teleported everyone down to the surface.
Seriously, it’s not enough that they transform by saying the ‘Power is yours’, they also have to recite their sacred oath, like their fucking Green Lantern! They have never had a fucking oath before this! Why the fuck start now?! Ten bits says this oath never appears again and has no purpose!
They group goes off an attack the demons from the toy store for a bit. It’s rather pointless since we just skip over to Canterlot in a couple paragraphs. The Grand Pain in my Ass learns that the villains have actually penetrated their defenses and have stormed the castle to take all of the weapons from Starfleet’s armory.
OH! So, that’s how I would get the Starfleet armor and weapons. I am totally incorporating that into my hate fic, right after I rescue Princess Cadance!
The Grand Dickwad leaves his wife and children behind to go investigate, instead of sending soldiers out to deal with it themselves. Because that’s what a good husband would do, risk their lives and force their children to become fatherless when he doesn’t have to. And I know cops, firemen and soldiers are different because they actually do something. But the Grand Ruler does absolutely nothing!
See? I can hate on characters and be a hypocrite too!
Celestia and Grand Ruler gazed worried at each other knowing what was deep in the mountain area the palace was built on; It was the main barracks of the power-sources that helped energize the power for all of Starfleet’s weapons and technologies including the battle armor.
“We can’t let anything happen down there.” Grand Ruler said and he called for Princess Luna to help Celetisa protect the babies, while he would to investigate with the entire palace army. “Good Luck, my love.” Celestia said pecking him on the cheek before he teleported away. “He will be fine, sister. You must trust in him.” Luna said.
Celestia knew her sister was right. She had to brave right now for her children as well.
So, he just leaves Celestia to care for the children, because that’s all Celestia is good for I guess.
That’s the fic, your highness! That’s not me! I promised to be nice to you, you fucking bitch! That’s for calling me a fagot!
It turns out that Distraught has caused the disturbances around the kingdom by cursing the town with disfortune. … I mean, misfortune. Wow a lot of disspellings in this review.
Dispel is not the correct word you would use. Misspelling would be appropriate.
Oh, like you’re such an expert!
Anyway, the curse causes random bad stuff to happen to the city, which is weird since his name is Distraught, not Discord. Wouldn’t his talent be making everyone really, really sad? It would explain every character in his past fics!
Distraught threatens that once he destroys the generator that powers all of Starfleet’s weapons, they’ll be powerless. The Grand Ruler tells his guards to attack him and then sits back and watches the carnage.
Meanwhile, Celestia decides that it’s time for her whip session down in the basement, because that is the only reason I can possibly come up with for this.
Meanwhile, Celestia and Luna put the children down in their cradles in the nursery, but Celestia was still worried about her husband. Luna placed her hand over her sister’s back comforting her. “If you still feel you must go, then go and help him. I will look after the children. They shall not leave my sight.”
Celestia smiled at her sister and gazed down at the babies with love before teleporting into the mountain lair.
Great mothering skills, Celestia! I can see the children have a special place in your cold, black heart!
She arrives and Distraught destroys the power supply for the Starfleet, right after kicking the Grand Prick’s ass!
Upon her arrival, a terrible sight met her eyes; all the guards lay injured and unconscious, and her husband was facing the evil Distraught all by himself. He tried his very best but Distraught always seemed to have the upper hand. His red orb increased his power and strength so much that Grand Ruler had a hard time keeping his focus.
Distraught blasted him hard sending him skidding across the floor, right into the wall.
I could read that line over and over again.
Meanwhile, down at the battle, the Main Six battle the creatures as best they can and are doing well, until the power source for the Starfleet Magic runs out and they turn back into normal ponies. Thank god.
Since the Starfleet characters have never been without their armor and fancy magical technology, they are pretty powerless. However, since Twilight and her friends are used to being powerless unless they have the Elements of Harmony, they are able to use their wit to defeat the
Yeah, I know. That’s what should have happened, but we all know it doesn’t.
No, it turns out that they actually defeat all the enemies, right before the power source runs out. Con-fucking-venient!
They head back to the castle where they find out that Zordon is on his deathbed after being attacked by Ivan Ooze… Oh, I’m sorry, I distook this for the Power Rangers Movie. … I mean, mistook. They head back to the castle where they find out that Chill-bro is on his deathbed after being attacked by Distraught.
Oh and I guess Celestia is there as well.
The scientist who happens to be there tells the group that the generator is damaged beyond repair and that they have to find a new power source to stop Distraught. They then remember a piece of dialogue from Distraught, just to show you how bad the dialogue is in this fic.
The Red Chaos Orb; which was one of two powerful orbs that possessed extraordinary powers. Not as powerful as reality bending, but power enough for him to take on his journey to find Discord. His search took him across space to many dimensional worlds and galaxies, but he never found as much as a clue to the whereabouts of his father.
Distraught tells them that there are two orbs of ultimate power! The only reason the heroes know about this stupid orb is because the villain is an idiot and tells them about it! Why would you tell them that?!
Do the characters just say whatever happens to be on their mind?
Cadance: This was a very nice date, Critique.
Critique: Yes, it was. And now I really want to fuck you, but I should wait until a few more dates.
Cadance: Wait… what did you just say?
Critique: Nothing. Oh, crap. She’s catching onto me. I’d better change the subject fast. So, how about that weather?
Cadance: Catching on to what? That you only want me for my body?!
Critique: No, of course not! Shit, that’s exactly what I want! How could she know?!
Cadance: Mother was right! I should have dated that Shining Armor guy!
Critique: Oh, that fucking prick!
After discovering that the orb that Distraught discided to tell them. I’m just leaving it like that, now. I seemed to be disinterested in fixing it. They go off to find Zecora. Because I guess Zecora just knows stuff like that. They go to her home and find out that she’s not there. Oooo. Maybe she was kidnapped by Distraught and they have to go find her on their own?
No. It turns out she was a couple paragraphs down the line. Why couldn’t she just be at her home? It’s not like anything important happens during those paragraphs!
By the time the magic show was over, the crowd cheered for Abra and his guest assistant, Zecora. Soon the crowds departed and Abra didn’t know how to thank Zecora “You are with no doubt, the most honorable one I have ever had the privilege of performing with.”
Zecora smiled and said
“And Abra, you
are just as honorable to me too.”
That’s when they saw their many friends coming towards the stage. “Oh, my…” Abra said “Why you all seem as if you have swallowed insects.”
They quietly explained what was wrong, and both Abra and Zecora were shocked. “Can you help us, Zecora?” Twilight asked.
See, nothing interesting at all.
Zecora ends up finding the planet for them to travel to and we have this long winded speech from Twilight about how they should never give up and how they should always stick together because the little Lightning Bug gots scared and wonwy and sadwy awone.
They have this long, long sequence of each of the characters saying goodbye to every single one of their family members, before finally setting off to a song from another youtube video. And I assume that they are walking to this planet. But Navi can generate portals for them to travel to other worlds, so I guess it’s legit.
Yeah, I’ve got a song of my own. Here’s that.
I may not be a fan of Teen Titans Go, but I have mad respect for Batman on the guitar.
Meanwhile, Distraught sees them traveling to where the second orb is, something that he knows the location of. The exact location. Meaning he could take it for himself. And even if he can’t use it because it’s ‘good magic’, he can at least keep it away from the heroes to keep them from using it. But no… We get this.
“So, they think they can actually try and stop me, eh?” he chuckled “They just never know when to quit.” As tempted as he was to go after and destroy them, he felt he didn’t have to, for he knew the location of the second orb, and he also knew something about the orb that they didn’t, and by the time they figured it out, it would be far too late. So he decided to leave them…
“Is this wise?” asked the hidden voice.
No! No, it isn’t wise! It’s fucking stupid! Why do the villains act like fucking idiot?! The only reason the heroes keep beating the villains in these stories is because the villains are all morons! If they acted with any kind of intelligence, they’d probably win! But no! Mykan writes himself into a corner and can’t write himself out, so he has to come up with reasons why the heroes win! Because the villains are idiots!
Urgh! Anyway, the group get to the planet where they are disturbed by a series of tests. And if you’ve seen Power Rangers the Movie recently, you might want to just stop reading now, because it plays out almost point for point, the Power Rangers Movie with no ambition beyond ‘copy-paste’.
Meanwhile, back in Canterlot… Nothing important happens. No, I’m serious. It’s just explaining what we already know. Shit is still happening in Equestria because the heroes haven’t defeated the villain yet, Grand Reveal and Celestia are still in a coma, babies are crying, and Celestia’s children can tell after only a few days who their parents are. Yeah… it’s the epitome of nothing.
Anyway, back in the forest, Spike actually gets a pretty in character moment for him.
While Rainbow flew around doing a surveillance of the area around them, Applejack and Buddy Rose brought plenty of stuff to make chicken-vegetable stew with, and it was a good thing Spike was there to light the bonfire, though he didn’t seem to be thrilled with his job “And when anyone asks me “Spike, what was your job on the adventure?” and I’ll say “Me? Why, I was the fire lighter.”
You know, despite that it’s written horribly, the idea behind it is pretty much how I’d expect Spike to talk.
Okay, Myke, you get one point.
As they set up to make camp, a group of monsters, I think, attack the group.
Starla softly rested her head on his shoulder, “And I believe you.” she said softly as the two just stood there in each other’s embrace. The others could see them and couldn’t help but “Aw” at how sweet they looked, but the moment was interrupted when Rainbow came wailing like an alarm “Red Alert! Monsters!” she cried, and sure enough a large stampede of raging beasts came dashing over the hills.
They get into … a car? … Sure… whatever… and they start to drive off avoiding the creatures as they speed down the road.
After they avoid one group of monsters, they end up being attacked by another group of monsters. What is wrong with the pacing in this?! Why did there need to be a car chase?! Why couldn’t you have done the fight scene?! Not that you’re any good at those, but it wouldn’t be so fucking cluttered with “ACTION! ACTION! ACTION! ACTION!”
They start getting their assed kicked when Dulcea comes in and defeats the minions sent by Ivan Ooze. … Shit, I did it again.
“It’s all right, Lightning.” the stranger said. Lightning was surprised, “Yes I know who you are. I saw you here once before when you were little.” Then the stranger pulled off his hood to reveal he was in fact a grey Space Alicorn, originally from Unicornicopia. His name was Kahn Swift, and his insignia code on his armor read MA3O, and he lived with his clan on Brogan. “I’ve been well aware of your arrival, and I think I know why you’ve come. You seek the blue orb of Brogan, don’t you?”
My- KAAAAAAN! KAAAAAN!
The group follows My-KAAAAN to a place where the blue orb lies. He then tells them that the two orbs were created to defeat the forces of evil by sorcerers long ago. However, Discord ended up stealing the red orb for his own purposes and increase his power. Funny, I don’t remember that being in the first story or the series, but I’m sure My-KAAAAAN will just retcon it.
There’s some more stuff with how Lightning is predestined for some bullshit that I can’t bother to explain, so here’s a picture of Fluttershy being cute.
Oh, she’s so cute, I want to take her home and fuck her! … I really need to stop saying whatever's on my mind.
My-kan shows them a mountain path they have to take, but warns them that the can only enter if they promise not to use their magic or wings. They have to Pinkie Promise they won’t cheat and do anything that My-kan doesn’t want them to do. So, it’s basically the gods of the planet being dicks. Just like Copy-Cat’s parents.
Isn’t it funny how Mykan always resorts to these kind of tests where nobody can be more powerful than him? Copy-Cat’s tower of Pisa. His parent’s grave. Now, this. Does he just not have enough imagination in him to build a dungeon that one can use powers to solve their problems?
Meanwhile, back at Canterlot… Let me see here…
Um… Distraught sings a song about how much he hates ponies? … Does that count?
Sung to the tune of… Robot Hell from Futurama?
Ponies, I hate you; you killed my father
But I can make you suffer each hour
Don’t you get it yet? Revenge is what I’ll get.
I can do anything I want; I’ve got the power.
Forests and fields, burn ‘em down
Cities and towns, I’ll run them through
Every Stallion and mare, I’ll hurt ‘em ‘cause I dare
and I’ve much more just in store for you.
As he continued to cause more destruction and more chaos, the ponies, again, tried to reason with him.
[Shining Armor]
This is mad!
[Distraught]
Oh, don’t give me that, Punk!
[Shining Armor]
You’re far worse than your dad.
[Distraught]
Those are lies and junk.
[Cadance]
You’re pop was a villain, through and through.
[Distraught]
He was a great guy, ‘till he was killed by you.
[Cadance]
What will it to get through to you?
[Distraught]
Sorry, I’m busy, got stuff to do.
Tear up roads and bust the hills
I’ll smash and crash, and stomp and tromp, and break…
[Cadance and Shining Armor]
This guy’s crazier than a loon.
I hope that the others will come back soon.
We don’t know how much more than we can take!
[Goldwin]
This isn’t great
[Luna]
It's up to us to stop him.
[Goldwin]
His power’s growing at a rate
[Luna]
To save our world, our friends and kin.
[Goldwin]
We won’t survive, not in this state.
[Luna]
Come on, don’t give up now.
We’ll find a way to win and how.
For now we stick up to the gun.
[Goldwin]
Or maybe we should quit and run!
[Distraught]
Goodbye ponies, now’s your time, to be destroyed for all that you have done.
My race be restored, and I’ll show on the record
I was right and you were song, and now it’s the end of my song
All thanks to me ‘cause I HAVE THE POWER!!
At the end of the song, Distraught wondered. “Wow! What do theatrics have that I haven’t?”
Talent…
See? Rainbow Dash likes my joke! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!
They end up at this village where I can’t help but feel I’ve seen this before somewhere.
Let me try to describe it to you. The group is taken to a village after being rescued by this new character. And seeing the beauty of this village and all the innocent people that live there gives renewed faith in the character’s mission to save the universe from total destruction at the hands of a more powerful foe with a magical artifact. And they agree to go down to the dangerous place where another powerful artifact is waiting for them where they can’t use any of their powers and abilities.
Yes… Apparently Myke lacks any original ideas that he actually steals ideas from himself. I’m not sure whether that is sad that he thinks his ideas of the potential for talent or that he’s so devoid of all creativity that he has to recycle old plots that didn’t work the first time and thinks repetition will help it somehow!
After saying goodbye to the character that saved them, the Main Six make their way down to the depths of Hades to find the magic stone that will make everything all better. They get to the gate, where we meet the only characters I like in this story. The gatekeepers.
The guards didn’t mind her being rude and let them all pass. The team looked up at the long climb they had. “Let’s go.” Lightning said and they all ran along the trail leaving the guards behind coughing in the dust. “You think they can make it?” one asked. “Who’s ever made it before?” the other said, and they just stood back at their posts
They say what everyone wants to hear. That they won’t make it! Thank you, Mr. Guard people! You are now my new favorite ponies!
It’s finally happened!
He’s finally found ponies that he wants to have sex with more than us.
This is the happiest day of my life!
They head down into the cave where after a while, they run into an AVALANCA, just in case we forgot there were spanish speaking ponies.
“Feel what?” asked Pinkie, and then suddenly she felt her Pinkie Senses picking up. “My tail…! Twitch-a-twitch! Twitch-a-twitch! Something’s going to fall!”
Everyone felt the rumbling, and the twins, being expert geologists and miners, recognized the vibrations and feeling anywhere. “AVALANCHA!!” they shouted in Spanish. That’s when the others looked up and could see a whole stream of large boulders rolling down the mountain. “TAKE COVER!” shouted Lightning, and everyone leapt rock behind formations or onto higher ledges as the rocks got closer and went right past them all leaving a cloud of dust.
Thank you for your one part in this fic, Dyno and Myte! Now go back to the corner so you don’t get in the way of Lightning’s Rod.
Rarity smiled with hope, but the root had almost completely broken away “HELP!!” she screeched. Her loud voice echoed along the mountain and the gang could feel more rumbling. Lightning hollered “Rarity… Stop screaming! You’ll cause another rockslide!” but more rocks were already heading towards the team just as Rarity climbed over and onto Rhymey’s back.
Rarity, everypony! The only thing she’s good for is making things worse!
Go, cry to somepony who cares. Like me! You can cry on my shoulder! Please! Please, cry on my shoulder!
So, they travel through the cave with all sorts of dangers that continue to haunt them. Would you like to see them? Good, me too! Too bad we never see them beyond this.
As they climbed higher and higher, they ran into more traps and surprises along the way-- Trap holes, air pockets erupting in their faces trying to blow them off. There were even magical illusions set up to try and trick them, and they were fortunate enough to find the skeleton remains of few of the previous climbers that didn’t make it to the top, but keeping their wits about them and working together they all managed to avoid serious trouble and continue onward and upward.
Show, don’t tell! And I don’t want a youtube video! I want a story told to me, daddy! Read me a book!
We get a brief scene with Starla and Lightning, but it’s brief, typical and not very interesting. It’s mostly Starla being a weak girl and saying “We can’t do this!” and Lightning saying “Yes, we can! Now make me a sandwich!”
Meanwhile, Distraught discovers that the Main Six are close to the orb of magicness and that he thinks that the ponies deserve mercy, because it’s more fun that way. Yes, it’s more fun to make it fair for the heroes to beat you after they murdered your dad.
“What are you thinking?” asked the voice “It would be much wiser simply to just wipe them all out, would it not?”
“Perhaps, but then again, I think I prefer the fun way to do it.”
“I insist that you reconsider.”
“Quiet! Just you remember who’s really calling the shots around here. If I wish to do things my way, then I will. Besides, I really don’t see any difference. Either way the ponies die, and my race comes back.”
He then recast his gaze upon the team on Brogan. “Why should I worry about them? Come tomorrow, they’ll get what’s coming to them for their heartless ways!”
Yes, I’ll get them later when they are powerful enough to foil my plans instead of doing it now when I have the chance!
Meanwhile, back at Canterlot, which I am going to explain because it’s probably next to the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in fiction.
Meanwhile, something very unusual was going on in United Equestria. All the monsters, and the chaos had ceased for a great big party and dance going on in New Ponyville, and all the ponies and other creatures of the planet were joining in the fun. All this was arranged by Distraught for his “End of United Equestria Party” He himself was there to enjoy the fun too “I want you all to party like there’s no tomorrow…because there isn’t going to be for you!”
Sundown was all the time they had left.
Some of the creatures had already given up hope, even a couple of the cuite mark crusaders “What are you guys doing?” snapped DD “How can y’all be partin’ at a time like this when we’re all gonna be dead soon?” added Apple Bloom.
“So, if this is our last day, we may as well enjoy it.” said Sweetie Bell.
“Yeah, and it’s not over yet.” Scootaloo said “We still have until sundown. There’s still a chance.”
Cheeilee came along dancing to the groove with Big Mac “Don’t worry girls. I’m sure the others will be back in time.”
“Eeyup.” added Big Mac “If there’s one thing Applejack and the others don’t know is how to fail.”
The Cakes came by with End of the World Milkshakes for everyone, and Distraught liked how they were all obeying him. “Now then, I must be off, but I’ll be back. Don’t any of you stop partying!” and he vanished and was gone.
So, in a cruel twist, Distraught, the guy who’s name means depression, Myke’s favorite subject to talk about, forces everyone to have a party. Presumably in his dad’s honor. I guess when you’re an evil villain, the two things you want for your evil villain lists are chimney sweeps and lots of parties.
It’s a good thing Pinkie Pie can’t plan inside chimeys. I don’t know how Equestria would survive.
AHHHHHHHHH! RUN, SHE’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!
Meanwhile, at the royal palace, Distraught arrives to kill Celestia and the other guy, can’t remember his name, but when he arrives, he finds out that they’ve been moved. The scientist agrees to show Distraught where he can go.
Brain led Distraught all through the palace and into the catacombs of the mountain which would keep him and Distraught moving for a while. “You’re beginning to make me angry!” Distraught growled “How much further?”
“Oh, my dear sir-- Do have more patience, please!” Brain said “We had moved their majesties to a secret crypt far within the interior of the mountain; it is so deep that you cannot simply teleport in or out.”
Distraught grumbled angrily under his breath, but he agreed to keep going. He wanted to kill those two royal ponies and fast!
It turns out that while Brain is showing Distraught where he can stick it, many of the ponies are being teleported off world by the Starfleet soldiers. … Which makes no sense, because wouldn’t an evacuation of that magnitude take a little bit more time than it takes to give Distraught the tour of Canterlot Castle?!
Anyway, back on the planet of the idiots, they finally find the magic power of awesomeness and reach out for it, but Lightning says that he has to do it, otherwise, he’d look bad in front of Starla. I just kidding… Well. Only slightly.
“But Lightning…” Twilight said
“I said wait!” Lightning snapped. The others stood where they were as Lightning slowly ascended the stairs to the orb’s pedestal. “Lightning, be careful.” Starla called.
“You must remember what Khan had said
Those who aren’t pure of heart, the shield shall make them dead.” said Rhymey.
Lightning remembered, but he slowly raised his hands and slowly moved them towards the barrier, finally touching the force-field, and nothing happened. He didn’t feel a thing! He grinned triumphantly as he softy took the orb into his grip and pull it off the pedestal. The others began to cheer for joy now that they had the orb, but suddenly the orb began to glow and float high above the ground as a voice called out…
“By overcoming the obstacles, and using only your skills and might
You have proven to be pure of heart and removed the orb from the ray of light.
Accept now this final challenge; defeat the guardian and prove indeed,
that you intend to use the power for pureness, and not for lust and greed
But if by some unfortunate fate you fail the test, you will then…
…forever remain here in this tomb, never to see daylight again!”
You know, I’ve never liked these kinds of pure of heart test through violence. Surely, the test could have been overcome by someone who isn’t pure of heart carrying a rather large bazooka. Someone like me!
Anyway, a giant rock monster forms, as I reach for my bazooka to blow it to bits, when Mykan does something most bronies don’t do. Make Spike useful.
The statue softly raised its foot, bashing her hard across the floor. “RARITY!” shouted Spike. She would live, but her cheek was badly bruised. Spike’s anger began to rise. “That’s it! You mess with Rarity, and you’ll pay!” and he drew in a deep breath and let out the biggest burst of fire he had ever breathed, which actually only amounted to the size of a soccer ball and did nothing at all really, and once again he was forced to hang on for dear life.
“We’ve got to do something!” cried Twilight. She didn’t want to lose Spike, but the others were totally stumped, until Lightning noticed the glowing from the statues body coming from the orb lodged in its head. “That’s it! Spike, the orb! Go for the orb!”
Spike realized what Lightning was getting at, and since he was the only one that could even try, being so close to it. “Okay! I’ll try!” he shouted, but it was easier said than done as he had to hang on tight as well, and in the end it was just no good, he didn’t think he could do it, until he gazed back down again and noticed the others were all still trying to help him by distracting the statue. They were all counting on him, and especially Rarity. He caught a single glimpse at her and the way she was gazing up at with those worried eyes, he felt his courage skyrocketing. Letting out a scream of bravery he leapt at the orb and caught hold of it. “Lights out for you, rock-head!” he sneered as he pulled and pulled with all his might finally yanking the orb out sending it falling down below and Twilight caught it.
At once, the statue’s glow faded away and the giant pile of rock began to fall over and Spike tumbled down with it. “SPIKE!!” everyone shouted. It really would have been the end for him had Starla not leapt up high and caught him in her arms.
While that is rather weak that he just pulling the stone out of its forehead, something that again, a rocket launcher could have done and doesn’t really show purity of heart, it’s nice to actually see Spike do something useful. So, I’ll give a point to Mykan there.
Wait… what? I’ve already given him a point?
Christ, you’d think I’m giving out points like their fucking candy! Also, isn’t it odd how all the characters I give points to are to Spike? You’d think there be some kind of connection there. A character who doesn’t always get what he wants and will possibly end up not together with the girl he had a crush on throughout the entire series which will probably leave him depressed and most likely the victim of the cruel ponies, forcing him to open an evil book that will cause him to want to destroy the universe, only for him to die in Rarity’s arms before she declares how this is all her fault.
… But I’m sure it’s just me.
They end up back out of the mountain after collecting the magic orb of blue, where they travel back to the village, so everyone can suck on Lightning’s dick for being so amazing when he defeated the stone golem and saved all of the characters.
Lightning nodded and the two ponies saluted to one another, and then Lightning and all the others, leapt through the portal and headed off into space.
“Good luck my friends.” Khan said “The spirits of harmony and courage will guide you.”
“Thank you, Captain Lightning.” Daneous muttered softly. “I hope I can be just like you someday.”
Who the fuck are you?
Back on Equestria, Distraught is finally fed up with scientist guy for taking him through the tour of the castle and tries to kill him. However, before Distraught can finish him off, Krysta teleports him out of the castle and the rest of the civilization off the planet.
However, it turns out Distraught found out where they were, because he had planned that the whole time. Why he even bothered humoring them, I have no idea and he doesn’t explain how he knew unless he was reading the script.
Cadance tries to stand up to him, but Mykan puts an end to that shit by hitting her back in her place. In a bin, with a rope and a gun, and bottle of poison if she wants to take the easy way out, but it turns out the poison was Sprite and the gun isn’t loaded, and the rope just snaps and she cries up at night saying “Why won’t you let me die?” and the story says “Sorry, can’t hear you, I’ve got to find a place to stick this Rainbow Rod. Up your ass? If you insist!”
Distraught makes this big speech about how he had hid in this alternate dimension and how nothing can go into his dimension unless they have a power greater than or equal to the power he now possesses.
He explained that he had been hiding in this unstable warping zone for a while, and with his power now at full he cast a dreadful curse so the dimension would collapse, thus destroy all those were trapped in it. “And don’t bother thinking up worthless plans. Only something of extreme power can break out of this world, like me, or of something even greater. Meanwhile, I’m free to prepare United Equestria for the rebirth of my people and the ultimate avenging of my father, Discord, and the ponies and all they stood for will be NO MORE!”
Nothing except that group of ponies that are looking for the greater than or equal to power that I now possess and I know about it and could stop them with a gesture, but I’m almost 100% positive they won’t retrieve it and I won’t have to deal with it. And besides, it’s all the way over there!
Distraught teleports back to the planet where there are no ponies to blow up and starts blowing up the ponies stuff. Eh… Is there kind of a flaw in your plan? Distraught is destroying things that didn’t kill his father! I very much doubt Twilight’s blender was plotting to destroy Discord the whole time!
Anyway, as soon as he threatens Rarity’s home, the heroes arrive to save the planet with nobody on it and has no innocent life that is immediate in danger.
Suddenly, he spotted the Carousel Boutique and figured he’d crush it next, but as he got ready to blast it, a bright flash of light shone in the skies. “What? What is this?” He turned round and to his horror, there stood Lightning, Twilight and all the rest of the gang. “No, they’re still alive?!”
Distraught: In hindsight, I really am a dumb villain.
Anyway, the group battles Distraught in a pretty lame fight scene that amounts to -
Distraught: I am strong!
Twilight: We are strong!
Bam! Hit!
Distraught: You defeated me!
Twilight: Told you!
I’m only slightly exaggerating.
So, it turns out that the mysterious voice we all were hearing, besides the thoughts in my head that are pushing me towards that really long cliff, is actually Titan, the villain from the first season. Turns out he’s still alive. Not sure how that works, but whatever we’ll run with it. And big shock, turns out he was the one who destroyed Distraught’s people.
Distraught felt confused. “You…? What do you mean I’m no longer a use to you?” he shouted at the sky “Who are you? Why don’t you show yourself?”
“I am the one who is truly responsible for the demise of your people and the cause behind the death of your father Discord.”
Hearing those words made Distraught feel angry confused and a whole lot of emotions all mixed together. “I… I… don’t understand.”
“No, I didn’t think you would. You never understood anything that anyone had to say once you. Your heart had been consumed by anger and hatred with a lust for revenge, making you easier to manipulate.”
“Manipulate?!” shouted Distraught.
Whoa, stop this fucking rollercoaster…
Lightning jumps in to fight Titan because we all know he defeated the golem, which according to this was the test of the pure of heart thing, by using the magic blue orb.
The two fight for a bit, and it’s only slightly more entertaining than watching two ants on the sidewalk duke it out for a cracker. Twilight and the others try to be useful, but turns out they're not because they, again, didn’t defeat the giant golem, NO, I’M NOT LETTING THAT GO! DEAL WITH IT!
So, they decide to give all their power to Lightning, because I guess it works that way. I don’t know anymore. I’ve given up at this point and I can tell the author gave up long before I did.
Anyway, the magic of friendship gives Lightning the power he needs to destroy Titan for the third time and Equestria is finally saved. But at what cost?
… Actually, nothing.
Sweet, let’s never bring this up again!
In fact, let’s have Distraught disappear after this, destroy both the orbs of power, bring nothing any kind of closure and forget this all ever hap-
I’m sorry, I forgot what I was going to say there. I’m sure it deserved a thumbs down.
I’m sure that out of all the Starfleet Magic stories in the series I’ve read, this one is probably the least ambitious. It’s more of the stuff we’ve seen from the normal Starfleet series, albeit, a lot shorter. So, we weren’t going through the same script again. We were going through the cliff notes.
Villain comes in with powers that are out of our heroes league, heroes need to get stronger, magical artifact will somehow help, the betrayal in the villain, the final battle with Lightning doing the important part.
Bend down, fist out, pound it.
I’ve seen picnic blankets with more diversity than this series.
It’s shorter, which is a mercy, but it also might be the laziest. It doesn’t even summon the effort that the seasons did which had, at least, some attempt to put some morals and plots per episode and offer some kind of closure to at least one plot point. Even if it was for an unimportant character.
This has nothing and frankly is what makes it so boring. It has nothing new to offer. Nothing challenging, either for the author or the reader.
And frankly, I’m glad it’s over. Now I can move on with my life and see other fics that I can beat to death.
Thank you all for joining me for Mykanuary. Next week, it’s-
THE MONTH OF LOVE! I am so excited for this month! I have picked out several fics that are heartwarming and-
NO! FUCK THE MONTH OF LOVE! I’m not doing it! I don’t care if it’s Hearts and Hooves month! I’m not reviewing any romance fics! I need something else… Something I enjoy… Something that isn’t dumb…
Next week, Fire Emblem Month begins.
So once again we return to Mykan's Parvum Opus... let's see what new head traumas the Uwe Boll of fanfics can inflict on us.
10/10, would read again... seriously, that was better than anything Mykan could have concocted, and even better than a lot of fight scenes I've seen in fics.
Hey, want to see me rewrite Titan's entrance from Season 1?
Boo for the lack in formula change, yay that it's shorter... how much shorter I don't know, considering that Mykan has a taste for longer fics.
Mykan, I think the intro you're looking for is this one:
Already, this villain is about as far from intimidating as you can get.
Probably just Magneto.
Again, the patheticness of these villains continues to rise. Want a good villain? Read practically any story and you'll find one.
No, pretty sure it's Magneto.
Also, Mykan, you continue to neglect the spellcheck button. It is really too hard to use?
...
...
Well, this is... Yeah...
What, are they going to try and use real swears?
Bored now, but I seem to have run out of non spoiler RWBY fights to make up for it... oh dear, what do it do? I can't go on without good fights to make up for the bad ones.
What do I do...?
I'm sorry, what?
stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/2152663/exterminatus-o.gif
There is no hope... there is no escape...
"Don't worry, friend. I'm combat ready!"
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/rwby/images/0/0a/1116_Black_and_White_17107.png/revision/latest?cb=20131228060748
I chalk it up to Mykan playing fast and loose with technology (read, not giving a shit). I do remember one good Avatar fic where Mai and Zuko end up having twins, and the only one who knew that was Toph because she cheated.
Great, now he's ripping off Sleeping Beauty...
i.imgur.com/mLwxKym.png
Damn, I'm determined to divulge more damning dialogue, but dreadfully I am denied delectation.
Can we please get some cool villains doing cool villain stuff? Please?
Thank you, Darth Vader!
Must be the same Chaos Daemon that possessed me in the last review.
I think this would be more fitting:
And during the time you losers were searching, I had already rounded up two Chaos Cults for
tortureConfession.Where is Distraught?
Baby: waah!
What's his plan?
Baby: waah!
Who's really in charge?
Baby: Alan.
Welp, nice job on making sure nothing bad was happening.
Nah, too easy. You'll win automatically.
media0.giphy.com/media/7Tkik4ZfutBkY/giphy.gif
I thought it was ronery and sadry arone.
I personally prefer his blues:
Hey look, I found a RWBY scene that incorporates both:
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/841/077/be4.gif
Oh. wow. I'm so amazed. See the amazement radiating off of me.
Unless it's Samurai Jack, then it's awesome.
Mykan, if you even get the strength to read, this is what a fight scene should look like!
As someone who knows nothing about Fire Emblem besides Ike, Marth, and whoever else was in Smash Bros., I look forward to this.
It will certainly be an improvement over Mykan's drek.
Darn it! I was hoping for season 3 of Starfleet is magic! I'll go crazy waiting a whole year for the next part.
Oh well, the movie is still a pretty fun riff.
Oh, and we start off by ripping the MMPR movie, how quiant. Look, I may enjoy that movie more than most (Though, compare it to the awesomeness of the Gokiager movie or the awesomeness that is Dekaranger 10 years after) but using tha here makes no sense. How is this a tradition? It isn't a legacy like in the movie, there is no picking of legends, its just...them.
Spider-man 3 Sandman, is that you?
So, a one-sided fight? Those poor theives, at least give them a fighting chance Twilihgt.
Wow, I am so glad that their training made them so strong, so completely ruins any tension from them getting into a fight. This cold opening so makes me feel like I am getting sucked into the world you know.
LEt me field this one. Because it is an overused trope when it comes to gary stu families. It is nothing but pure laziness, "Oh, I can't think of how many kids they have, so lets make it twins!!!" LEts do a comparison here. In Kiala's work, she has Twilight with two foals, an older daughter and a young son. This works because it shows time has occured, that there is thought in just what kind of family Twilight should have.
This is just Mykan using the one boy and one girl thing from his previous stories.
I think she was in the first episode, I'm not sure. Remember folks, Luna doesn't show up much because she only has two episodes. Remember, if you aren't a regular, you don't have a character. Also, we need to forgivee Mykan for his use of characters, because he doesn't want to write for such a large cast.
Also,to be fair, using the name Castor as a name for a child is creative. Kudos...its just a shame that its not really pony or Unicornian like. Now, Flurry Heart, I like.
Wait...what?
Oh, Celestia you didn't.
There is a fun fanfic in there somewhere. But seriously...ripping off Sleeping Beauty? and not very well mind you.
It's like you WANT me to read this aloud.
Oh please, I need more chaos in my life!!
If there is one thing I hate more than a botched henshin sequence...is a boring one. This is more boring than a megaforce morph.
Well no duh! I mean, the mane six are always badasses, thats why I love them. Mykan's group needs superpowers to sae them and this is not what happens is it?
Frak!!!
Seriously? O all the Super sentai movies to rip off? Why not the Magiranger movie? Why not the Magiranger movie wich would fit more. OR Dekaranger and give Buddy some character development!!!
This is why I have better luck with mares. Aint that right Minuette, sweetie.
Minuette: yes dear *Kisses the cheek*
Please, for the love of Celestia on high, tell me that you added that.
I just saw nightowl on there...I hate my life now.
Ok...Bye!!
*begins to read Princesses Day off*
Man that fic was good. So cute and funny.
Yes, Spike, that is why i continually have you written out or kidnapped.
HE!!!!!!
You had a chance for another badass woman and you replaced her with another guy? Why?
and why is it never Samus Aran who comes in and offers to help?
You know...for all the talk some have about Twilight stealing the show, people seem to forget just how much the mane 5matter to her. Tirek fight? Was only able to match him until she brought in the others. Starlight? Couldn't beat her and had to go for the "Tsukino Doctrine". The plants? Got caught, needed the mane five to pull her out. The empire? The heart wouldn't have been as efctive if they didn't keep the ponies happy.
What I am basically saying is that Twilight, for as much as she is the main character, she is like Usagi in that she is really weak without the others to back her up. This is what makes a good team series.
This basically goes "Eff the team. Lighting, you are the one babe." why have a team at all?
And its the same Dang thing!
Why does a guy who watches Futurama not have a sense of humor? Then again...why does he watch Futurama? It doesn't match his M/O at all. Its not sad, sentai, childish, or has a love...
No, the joke is
"Think they have a chance?"
"It'll take a miracle."
You know what ticks me off about it? It isn't that he ripped off MMPR again, oh no. It isn't the fact that he used dialouge straight from it, again...no. What ticks me off? What really gets to me?
Its that he used a scene from the third season as done by the second worst villian in Power Rangers history!!!! Seriously? You used Vile? The Jason todd of Power-no, Jason Todd is too nice, the Westly of power Ranger villians? The worst bad guy to ever attack Earth? The loser who ran just because he lost a few times, crying? You used him? That putz?
Divatox I would be ok with, I might even give you lothar. but Master Freaking whimp Vile?
Next thing you know, you'll use King mondo.
...You know what made this cool in Power Rangers? IT had Tommy deal with his past and the evil that he went through. It was all about him overcoming his crimes and coming out the other side, now knowing that he was more than just a green or white ranger, but his own man.
This lacks all of that, its just "He did it. Yay."
Thats because most bronies know that there is more to being a hero than having a penis
Have you ever noticed that facing reality rarely faces any real consequence of war? Why are the civilains always ok?
Basically a bad DBZ movie.
Does this mean fics that crossover with Fire emblem or fics based on Fire Emblem or stories that are Fire Emblem.
3716488 If it's any compensation, I've been trying to do a review of Starfleet Magic 3... I've only gotten to chapter 2 and it's been three months since I started
3716501
Yes, it makes me feel a little better.
It's weird, don't you think? Everywhere I go, season 3 seems to stump everyone who tries it. Project After and this one riffer I followed on Deviantart all stopped their reviews of season 3 and always just a few chapters away from Twilight's death. The only time I have seen a rif on tht chapter was when I did it for a live read.
Its like that season is cursed.
3716514 I don't know about any curses, but I will finish that thing before next January
And people wonder why I went with Dislestia on my fic. That and it was all I could come up with...
I am such a hack
Shoot, forgot all about him as a character. Oh, Celestia, what am I going to do...*Grins evily*
3716523
You better, or I...will probably be sad.
3716395 Uwe Bolle is the wrong example to use here since Uwe is shit and he knows it Mykan more M. Neigh Shamalama he thinks he good but really isn't, although Ed Wood is probable a better compassion as M. Nigh Shamblama did give us two good movies
3718150 But Ed Wood and Shyamalan at least tried to make good work; Boll is actually a pretty good director, he just makes his movies bad out of spite towards members of his audience (also, German tax loopholes). It becomes increasingly clear that Mykan is no longer writing this series because he thinks it's good, but just so he can fuel his hatred of Ponies. Even some of his fans think he went too far with the "Cadence has a miscarriage" arc in Season 5.
3718198 Cadence what?, that's it get me the director of the GDI I need to borrow their Ion Cannons... also he has fans
3718333 Yes, there are people that actually like his work, unbelievable as it sounds (they're usually Davis/Kari shippers that are happy that he's still championing his cause).
One of them learned of the whole thing with Cadence, and asked him to not do it (as she had suffered a miscarriage recently and didn't want to go through the pain again). Mykan ignored her.
3718389 That is it I'm murdering his soul to death
You hear that Mykan I'll kill you, I'll kill you to death
3718564
If it's any consolation, the way it was handled and written was one of the most hilarious things on the planet. I mean, Miscarrage isn't a joke, but Mykan made it so.
3718389
Heck, I talked to one of those fans and he was a very reasonable person. Granted his fic on here wasn't that good, but he was still reasonable.
3718389 Actually, he didn't ignore her. https://twitter.com/TheRealDKMykan/status/573560623734263808
Also, she apparently... https://twitter.com/SolarWind14/status/587853404057313280 https://twitter.com/SolarWind14/status/661531717128364032
Mykan thinks it's a hoax though because someone told him the photos can be found elsewhere but didn't provide a link. This warrants further investigation...
Edit: Confound it, this article doesn't say when it was posted or how she came to be injured. http://globaloutreachday.com/reports/222-horse-riders-preaching-gospel.html
I'm Sora. He's Donald and that's Goofy
Also, since Twilight is also an apprentice to the co-ruler, shouldn't that put her in the same rank as Lightning?
Mykan: NO!!! GENDER EQUALITY BAD!!!
Lightning: SHUT UP, WOMAN!!
Yes, because the third strongest alicorn in Equestria (not counting Mr. Three-horn) and Celestia's former captain of her royal guard have now been demoted to nannies.
*Another draconequis enters*
???: "Distraught"? Really? That's not even a synonym for discord OR chaos!"
Distraught: Who are you?
???: I'm you're father's duplicate, Havoc, so I guess I'm your step-father...or uncle...I don't really know. Anyway, I'm one of the antagonists from Brassboy212's fic, The Secret of Harmony. I heard some buzz going on while dimension hopping and wanted to see if anything good was going on. Clearly I've been sadly mistaken.
Distraught: Whatevs. I bet I'm still a better character than you.
Havoc: I was created by Lord Tirek out of a remnant of Discord's magic. I have all your father's powers, I'm exactly equal in strength to him, but unlike him, my stamina is infinite because I'm made of magic and not flesh and blood. Basically, I'm like a living independent spell. Lord Tirek also made duplicates of the four princesses who are also equal in strength to their respective originals. Also I don't rely on some dumb necklace for power.
Distraught: DAMNIT, MYKAN!! WHY COULDN'T YOU MAKE ME A COOL VILLAIN!!!
Rarity: That can't be in our script.
Lightning: Page 37
Rarity: *looks at script* Oh, Celestia, that's in the script.
Lightning: Now come on! We still have 40 more scenes where everyone recognizes my greatness!
Rarity: *looks at the camera* If you're still reading this fic, darlings, I salute you.
In the words of Mr. Enter, POINTING OUT YOUR PROBLEMS DOESN'T MAKE THEM GO AWAY!!!
Lightning: Okay, so I've designed a really sweet attack plan to get past these obstacles which I'm calling "Attack Plan: Alpha", like Alpha Dog. WOOF! I think it makes use of our strengths in the best way possible. Rainbow Dash goes in suicidal with your "tomgirl" routine...
RD: What?
Lightning: Spike, AJ, Rarity, Pinks, and Flutters go out without a struggle.
Mane 5: ???
Lightning: And for Twilight, just keep doing your girly magic. You'll draw all the stuff away from me!
Twilight: Hold on, what are you going to be doing, Lightning?
Lightning: Good question. I'll do what I always do best, and that means...I'M THE HERO!!!
Mykan's Characters: *does a Nazi salute* HEIL LIGHTNING!!!
Twilight: Can somepony please remind me why we took this job in the first place?
Sorry, Distraught, everyone's at Bill Cipher's Weirdmageddon Party down in Gravity Falls.
Except for when they failed to stop Distraught from destroying their generator and putting their two rulers in a coma.
Lightning: And while you're waiting, make me a ham sammich!
Twilight: If I do, will you let me be in character instead of playing this damsel façade?
Lightning: Don't ever ask me that question again, woman.
Daneous: *Nazi salute* HEIL LIGHTNING!!!
Distraught: Wait, you're probably far more consumed by anger and hatred with a lust for revenge, so wouldn't that make you more easy to manipulate than me?
Titan: uuuuuuuhhhh
Distraught: Mykan sucks at making villains.
Titan: Yes...Yes he does.
Happy Mykanuary, Critique! Loved the hate fic intro!
Get some rest, you've earned it!!
3719736 Fair enough.
Still don't like him, though
3720385
Bill has many things that Mykan wishes his villains had: Cool powers, amazing intimidation factor, a sense of humor, competence, and a bitchin' hot rod
3720450 Remember, reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold!
Hell yay, a Fire Emblem month. I am so totally there.
Also, this fic's beginning is sooooo ripped off from "The Return of Jafar"'s beginning.
3721614 I noticed that too, but I've pretty much given up on the fact that Mykan could come up with original material.
SO MUCH TEXT!
Fire emblem rules