Nightmare Month: The Tail of Endless Night · 8:01pm Oct 7th, 2015
Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique! And welcome to the first day of… Nightmare Month!
The month where we celebrate our Princess of the Night! Despite the fact that most of these stories have little to do with her.
Yes, it probably is a good thing.
As we have seen, Nightmare Night is a time for endless nights and dirty pranks. And nothing has more dirty nights and endless pranks than in the story of The Tail of Endless Night.
Yes, the tail of Endless Night is a wonderful tail. It can do almost anything. It can hold your books for you while you read, it can wipe your ass (saving on toilet paper), and it will even whip your enemies into submission.
But the tail of Endless Night has a sad story. It started out as the tail that told its tale through tragedy. Why, just look at the description and see what kind of story we are looking at.
Follow the tail of Endless Night. A young Alicorn who come from nothing. to being the most be love pony's in all of Equestria. This story is base back when Equestria was still young. before Nightmare moon. Before Ponyville. Before Celestia battle with discord. Before Canterlot had a castle. The tail of Endless Night. start after a two warrior pony's fall in love on the battle field. One a lovely Pegasus. the other a powerful Unicorn Battle mage. They leave the Battle's behind to start a family. but soon the battle find's them.
I’m starting to see where this is going… The Endless Nights is the name of the pony everypony should know and the dirty pranks are me having to read this story. Already I’m not looking forward to this. If this author is willing to misspell ‘tale’ the entire story, what else is he willing to do?
The story begins at…
CHAPTER 1: THE BEGINNING
Clever tactic, story… I always thought the story started at the end…
Reverse chronology. Jack and the Beanstalk.
What does that even mean?
All the smart ponies know.
This Story Begin back when Equestria was still young.
This Story Begin with terrible grammar. Seriously, did you even read this before posting it?!
When pony’s of all kind were at war. The war of the Pegasus and unicorn is at it climax. The Battle Rages on.
The Earth Ponies, however, can suck a dick. Well, fuck you, story! I happen to think Earth Ponies are better than you!
During this terrible war, two ponies find love and leave the war to start a family in the woods.
Among the fighting two pony’s find love. They chose to leave the war behind at the highest of the war.
How can there be a war? I’ve been at the highest of the war and there’s no way you can fight somepony in that condition.
They end up making a home for each other and our story officially begins with the birth of their child.
"He had his father horn and his mother..... winGS?!?” Hooves said in shock.
… What’s with the sudden capitalization there? Did he get hit in the stomach when he said that? Oh, great. Most stories don’t capitalize the names of characters. This story decides to throw in random capitalizations. This is going to fuck with some dramatic readings.
“Your son. He a Alicorn.” Hooves told him
“A WHAT!” He said not knowing what an Alicorn was.
“I hear rumor of the about them but never thought I ever see one. They are rare. very rare. I've only hear it happening when one of the parents is a Pegasus and the other is a unicorn. But I never believe the rumor. i never believe i see one. ” Hooves told them.
Which is the same logic that has two earth ponies conceiving a unicorn and a pegasus.
“He our little angle and if anyone has a problem with him. They have to get through me.”
But is he a straight, an obtuse, an acute or a right angle? Ha, math is fun. Also, remember him being the little 'angle', it will come back later.
And why would anyone have a problem with him?! He was born better than anyone else! Other than jealousy. … Which is exactly what you’re going for, isn’t it?
Endless love said looking down at her new born son as he try to stand up.
Yeah, that’s how most babies do it. They are trying to stand up on their own, only seconds after being pushed out of their mother’s womb. The father tells the doctor to keep this between the three of them. I don’t know why, since their son will have to have interaction with others, sometime. Unless you plan on locking the little brat up so he never sees the world, in which case, I’ll get the locks.
You don’t have to worry Mr. Night. You know this never happened. I’m only a vet. So I’ll get in trouble if anyone found out.”
Wait… so… does that mean he’s technically a doctor for their world? Vets usually work on animals… Or maybe I’m thinking too much on this.
We then cut to six years later where apparently the war between the Unicorns and Pegasi stopped. It never explains how or why the war stopped, it just said ‘it was over’. No victory, no loser, no peace treaty, nothing. Maybe the two races got bored and just decided to call it quits. Because I think that’s how all wars end.
But all's not well, for a new enemy is appearing over the horizon. Dragons. …
Let’s see… Dragons versus Ponies… And Fluttershy isn’t born yet… You guys are soooo fucked.
The dragons end up rounding up ponies and forcing them to work in crystal mines. Don’t worry, my little ponies, all you have to do is whine a bunch and you’ll be set free in no time.
We finally end up cutting to our main character, the tail of Endless Night, who is sitting with his owner by the stream. Being only six years old, the tail of Endless Night has yet to mature and thus has very limited talents. The two spot a brown pegasus coming towards them and panicking, the two make a break for it.
Chapter 2 is called ‘The Start of the end’ and I’m thinking ‘Phew, maybe the story decided to cut itself short.’ And then I see 24 more chapters shaking it’s bum at me. Why the fuck would you call it ‘The Start of the end’ when it is not the start of the end? Or are you just dragging out the ending worse than Lord of the Rings did?
It turns out that the knight is looking for Tails’s father, White Night. (Ha, I see what you did there, you smug bastard.) Tails rushes off to find his father and when they come back, the knight has passed out and his mother is tending his wound.
The next day, Tails wakes up and goes out to the stream to practice his magic some more. He manages to feel more powerful than he’s ever felt, and given a few lessons and if the author decided to takes some classes on storytelling grammar and spelling, this scene might have actually worked. It’s a nice little scene to him testing his powers. Too bad it’s connected to such an inconsequential story.
We end up learning more about the relationship Tails has with his father, which we learn that Tail’s dad never made much time for him. There’s no context to it, so maybe this is a desperate cry for help on the story’s part.
Tails wants to know where his father is wandering off to that he can’t spend time with his kid. My guess is he’s trying to make more OC alicorns.
He waited until everyone had gone to bed, and snock out of the house. He flashed his horn to a low light, and then followed his father’s steps to the gate.
He follow his father’s path until he comes upon a mysterious door that he could open, but the morning sun starts to rise in the half hour since he started his journey. Did this kid seriously just stay up the entire night deciding whether to do it or not before actually making the attempt? Or are Tails’s parents really light sleepers?
Author's Note:
Fix # 2. i hope i got it right. this is the update one. v1.1. i really hope those classes are paying off.
Dude, if you are taking writing classes, and your writing still looks like this…
“What? come on let’s go.” They ran back to the house. His father ran ahead leaving him behind. he was worried about his mother. What if that Pegasus was pretending to be hurt, so he could hurt her? he ran faster.
I would ask for my fucking money back!
Endless awake to his mother pushing him. He open with eyes and let out a long yawn. He was still tier.
Low tier, obviously, but that will change with the patch.
It took a second but he finally stood up. Everything was harder. He move slowly as he went about his normal routine. He ate his breakfast and help his mother with the dishes. His father was in his private quarters. He had his books and note in there. He wasn’t allowed in there.
Oh, boy, Tails found his father’s collection of adult magazines. It’s okay, Tails, it’s perfectly normal for a growing body to feel magical between his legs.
Actually, everything is rather hard because of the rain… I’m not really sure why that makes everything hard… unless the rain is actually-
Moving on!
Right, sorry, that got weird on me.
So, the story tells us about Tails studying magic and I’ve got to say, this is the most distorted writing I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of hard to make out what is going on and what’s happening in the scene. Also not helping is that the scenes are rushed so badly that they barely have context to them. I’ll show you what I mean.
The rain was normally not a problem for him. But this was a hard rain. It was hard for him to see farther then a few feet. He close the door and headed for his bed. His mother stop him and told him to get his book and study. He did as told and pull his spell book out. It was old and moldy. The taste of the book made him want to throw up. He quickly put the book on the table and open it to the page he left off on.
He was still tier and was falling in and out of sleep as he read something about basic teleporting. He already knew how and could do so in short burst. his father enter the room.
“Endless wake up.” he said hitting the table with his hove. he jump.
“Sorry dad had trouble sleeping last night.” he lie.
“Ok. well just wake up and study.” he did as he was told.
Not to mention the awful tense jumping, the lack of show, and the terrible spelling and grammar that make this thing a fucking chore to read. Helpful tip to future authors ‘A story, that is suppose to be escapists fiction, shouldn’t feel like work.’ But that’s what this story feels like, and I’m only on chapter 3, for god’s sake.
Anyway, his father says he has to leave to help that knight with unexplained reasons and that Tails and his mother don’t want him to go. White says he has to and before he goes, he puts Tails through some kind of test to see how much he’s learned. And you remember when I said the scene with him practicing magic earlier that I said has glimmers of potential? Well, this scene took my praise, spat on it, and beat it into submission with a hammer. That’s the last time I fucking praise this story!
The kid ends up showing up his father so badly that it makes the father look like a dick when he looks less impressed than when he was born. Story, could you make it more obvious you got daddy issues, I think there are baby sealions just born into this world that haven’t figured it out yet.
“yes and you shouldn’t have if the gate was lax.”His father said. he felt a cool sweat run down his back. He had forgot to lax it the night before.
“I must have forgot to lax it last night. Get up and come here son.” His father said. He got up and walk to his father on the other side of the gate. He was relieve his father didn’t know. He thought he was catch when his father saw the gate open. White night pull a book out from his bag.
Here your next book son. Try not to Destroy it and remember keep the gate closes so no one get in.” White night place the book on grounds. They said their goodbye. He pick the book up in his mouth. His father lax the gate behind him. then walk away.
This book taste worse then the other one he thought.
I’m guessing the gate must have been pretty lenient then, unlike the dick that built him.
Also, this is the second time he’s mentioning the taste of the book. Does he eat the books for knowledge?
So, Tails goes up to his mother and asks her to teach him how to fly. His mother is against it since her husband’s a control freak who likes to beat her with a shovel every time the blueberry pie isn’t up to standard. But the six year old starts to get philosophical with her. Yes, the six year old philosopher.
“Mother I know. But father always treat me like a unicorn and not a Pegasus. I’m not one or the other, I’m both. i would like to learn to be a little more like you.” he was standing with tears in his eyes. He hardly notices that he was standing on the table. His mother wipe the tears from her eyes.
Oh, and we can add psychological profiler to his resume as he is able to figure out how his father treats him and why.
So, his mother starts to teach him how to fly, but because he’s never used his wings till now, he can’t fly with them. But mother has a full proof plan to get his wings stronger… Lifting rocks! … Wait, what?
Endless and his mother spent the next few days lifting rock on top of his wings.
… Okay, maybe this isn’t a weird as I’m making it out to be, considering we see Fluttershy do push ups with her wings. I guess before Equestria was invented, neither was push ups.
Ooooo, I love a mare who can work out.
Eventually he is able to fly and I’ll give this story credit, the story could have easily just made him fly on his first try. But he does actually have to work for it. The training montage is very poor, and it doesn’t go through the strain and frustration of constant failure, but a step is a step. Most other fics would (and indeed do) give them the Sonic Rainboom during their first flight.
Tails is still upset that he has to hide his wings, but his mother tells him that he’d best do it for his father.
“I’m sorry but it not forever. When your older. you can wear what you want. But for now. Just wear this. so your father will be happy.” He did as his mother said. He didn’t like to make her sad.
Mother: It will help stave off the beatings when he gets home because when I packed his ham sandwich I forgot to add mustard.
So, when his father does arrive, in an odd twist, his mother has beaten him with a shovel. Actually, he appears in front of the house explaining that he failed, though we aren’t told what. Tails and his mother take his father into the house to rest. However, before they can relax, they are attacked by three dragons. Well, they’re fucked.
The dragons want revenge for what White Night (Oh, I see what you did there. Knights vs Dragons.) did to them.
“White Night. I never got time to thank you for my eye.” the Black Dragon said hitting his claw on the scar.
“Your to full of yourself Darth.” he said. as he almost fell.
From now on, I’m calling the main villain, Darth Vader. I haven’t called the main character by his real name yet, why start with the villain? So Vader, pretty pissed off that Night took his eye, kills his wife in front of him. They threaten Tails, but they find out that he is an alicorn. Which I guess dragons just know about.
Tails is able to teleport away, but the dragons don’t seem to care too much about the six year old since they have who they want anyway. White puts a curse on the dragon, what that means is anyone’s guess at this point.
Endless awake in pain. His flank was burning. His face hurt to.
Really? Because it’s fucking killing me…
FUCKING LAUGH, DAMN YOU!
It turns out that Tails only teleported a few feet away from the dragons, I guess they weren’t paying that close attention and Tails overlooks the damage with her mother and father murdered. So, Tails begins his journey to train his body and his mind to the peak of perfection to be the very thing that dragons fear the most. The Batstallion. To which he gets burned to a crispe, because dragons fear nothing, you idiot!
He sleeps in his house, no doubt a good thing for his psyche, when two soldiers arrive and find him the ruins. It turns out that one of those ponies was the doctor who gave birth to him. Who is affectionately called ‘Mr. Hooves.’. Christ, what is with these stories involving the Doctor for no apparent reason? This is the third story in a row! I’m starting to think it’s becoming some kind of trend!
The Doctor takes him in and Tails seems to forget about that whole thing with his parent’s being murdered. I guess it was as essential to his character as the cold sore I had a couple weeks ago.
The pair travels to Canterlot where they start making their home when suddenly Tails is beset by the most beautiful alicorn Equestria has ever seen.
Wow, I am a sexy alicorn.
Actually, it’s Luna, because of course it is. Luna has become paired up with every character in the fucking universe. I think I saw Zelda from Twilight Princess, making out with Luna at one point. But I digress, he gets Luna’s attention by acting like an idiot and yet, she, of course, finds his idiocy charming. If that were true, I’d be drowning in hot mares from all sides, but again, I digress.
Tails instantly falls for the young alicorn filly. I would say princess, but there is never any mention of her or her castle. Just home. I can’t imagine the Doctor would live next to the royal palace. Or maybe he would, I don’t know. The rules of the Doctor in fan fiction seem to be ‘Whatever makes the plot go forward.’
And by ‘whatever makes the plot go forward’, I mean, matchmaker. As the Doctor sets up Tails on a date with Luna as Luna gives him the tour around town. I’m sure she’s giving him a tour of a few other things too.
My torture dungeon for OC’S! What did you think I was going for? Luna’s only six! I can’t make jokes about that! Yet!
So the tour of the town takes all of two seconds before we get more forced dialogue about how Luna really likes Tails and how Tails really likes Luna… Blahty, blahty, blahty, forced romance, blah.
The next day, Tails is put into school where he meets generic bullies because … Wait, what’s that? … No generic bullies? Awwww, but I had a bunch of generic bully jokes that I could have used!
Now, while the story isn’t littered down with one dimensional bullies, the story just stops to introduce the school and the characters within it. Including a teacher which has me questioning the timeline of this story.
“Hello Endless Night. I’m Miss Sparkle the teacher here at our little school.” She said with a very sweet voice.
Oh, how cute. It’s probably just a pointless nod to the character of Twilight Sparkle, but it does raise some concerns for me because the characters are so similar. The teacher and Twilight, I’m calling her Twilight from now on, both have a thirst for knowledge and a love of learning and teaching others. So, it’s leading me to believe that this is some kind of reincarnation of the character that will die, but be born again as the Element of Harmony.
Maybe I’m overthinking this. At least, none of the other main six appear…
HI, I’m Gem Stone. Your neat Looking. Were you get all those burns? Where you come from? What up with that main? Can I cut it? I”ll make it really cool looking.” Gem stone said talking super fast and almost falling out of her seat.
You know the reincarnation theory sudden has merit.
So, they have their class, it’s really not that important, so I’ll skip it. He makes friends with Luna and Pinkie Pie, and the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule gets royally buttfucked. Look at these next few paragraphs and tell me that you can read these without it feeling bitter and hollow in your mouth.
Luna and Gem Stone walk with Endless home. They laugh as Gem Stone jump and trip over her own hooves and fell on her bottom. They reach the doc house after that. he said his good byes and head in. The doc was waiting with dinner. After dinner he head to bed.
After school he, Luna and Gem stone would walk to the large field the farmer still hadn’t farmed. they Play there until it start to get dark they make they ways home. After they leave Gem Stones house. he and Luna would walk home. Luna never ask him about his family or his burns like Gem Stone and the other at school. he told them he didn’t want to talk about it yet. They talk about thing that happen in town or people Luna met in her family travels. After they made it home he would go in and have dinner with Doctor Hooves. Then he head to upside and read his father spells books until he was tier and head to bed.
Endless wake up to the Doc knocking on the door. Like most morning. he got up and look outside. It was a light rain. he thought of Acorn. She love the rain and would be hoping for rain puddle. Her family work the lumber mill. he Smile as he remember the red and yellow Pegasus as she one ran into the apple tree by the school a week ago. Her red main got stuck on a branches. He remember Lilly and Buttercup running to her. Buttercup try to use magic to pull her out. Then a large amount of leaves fell out of the tree and fell on top of her. They match her. As she poke her head out of leaves. Then Acorn fell on top of both Lilly and Buttercup. he giggle as he remember the Teachers trying to get the girl to stop yelling at each others.
I know I pick on this rule all the time, but I’m hoping after a while, it will penetrate some skulls! There is nothing engaging about these scene or these characters. Don’t tell me that ‘Luna and Tails’ said their goodbyes, actually some them doing it! Have them talk, giggling, interacting in an actual conversation. And who the fuck is Acorn? This is a character we’ve never met, have just been introduced to, and hasn’t even had a fucking line of dialogue. Who is she? Why is she so important to this scene?
And you mention this scene that is supposed to be funny as Acorn falls on top of Lilly and Buttercup, but you never actually show this scene to us. Have the actors play it out on stage! Don’t just tell them what they were going to do, like trying to convince us that the play was really, really good, while the actors are all backstage snorting cocaine!
So, finally after that long winded explanation of what happened the past year, all of which are things that could have been used to develop more of the characters, but you know what? Fuck it! We get some dialogue that the Doctor and Twilight are going on a date together. Oh, god! It’s finally happening! I’ve hit the bad fan fiction singularity! Where all bad fan fictions become one! Soren the Alicorn has come back to haunt me!
So, I’m sure we won’t see the date or anything that happens during it, because that would take away from what the story is really about. The tail of Tails goes to meet Mr. Pie, there Luna meets with him and the owner of the pie shop greets them.
“LUNA my favorite costumer. What can I do you for?”
… Wow… Dude, you must really like Luna…
And just like that scene, this scene was rushed so badly it might as well have been directed by Tommy Wiseau.
The group then goes to the most exciting place this story could possibly come up with … the Barber Shop.
And there is something I just noticed about this story, I spent about 40 minutes looking for a clip I can use to find to add to this moment, but you know what, I had more fun doing that than actually reading the story. I just realized how fucking boring this story is! This story is as engaging as a dead slug that’s been ran over by a train!
But this is actually a very important event where Pinkie Pie gets her cutie mark when the barbers decide to let the 7 year old girl take scissors to Tail’s face! I know what I’d do with a pair of scissors if I was seven!
Huh… I was bitter even as a child… Good to know.
So, after some more pointlessness, Luna and Tails sit down to have a conversation. It’s nowhere near as engaging as you might think. They talk about Tails’s parents… Well, I say talk, but they kind of piddle around the subject as if it was a big piece of dog turd.
After that they decide to pull a Cutie Mark Crusaders, and follow Cheerilee and Big Mac on their date, I mean, follow Twilight and the Doctor on their date. They stalk them until Big Mac escorts her home and is ready to kiss her, but chickens out at the last second.
I know! We almost had something exciting happen!
So, he meets up with Applejack when her wagon breaks down and thanks to the town being conveniently empty when this disaster happens, Tails is the only one who can save the day. Can you slow this roller coaster down a bit? I almost fucking woke up there.
Applejack then leaves, after establishing that… she exists, he meets up with the Great and Powerful Trixie. (Yes, I know that’s not their names, but I could give less than two shits about it.) Trixie boasts that she’s a wanderer, really having no home or family to speak off… And then leaves… Are you noticing a pattern here, people? Because I don’t think the story has made it obvious yet, so why don’t we throw in a few more characters to introduce and to swiftly not give a shit about?! They’ll all have their own spin off series soon!
But something finally does happen as the Dragons reappear. Oh, yeah, I forgot there was this big war between them and the dragons.
So, the dragons invaded the town lead by Vader. Vader find the dragon’s lack of focus disturbing…
“Will you two stop messing around and grab some pony’s. we need to get going.” Endless froze. He remember the voice. That was the one. He thought. Darth. The one the took his parent away from him.
Come on, guys. You all knew that line was coming.
So, Tails get so angry at the dragon that murdered his parents that he creates a sonic rainboom. I would say I was not kidding, but you all know I’m not. Sonic Rainbooms are so easy to get, they might as well be prostitutes on the streets.
Then Endless Felt a great serge of energy. Endless spread his wings and legs.
"BANG"
A wall of multicolor magic fill the air around him.
After the dragons take some of the ponies, Vader completely ignoring the fact that somepony just created a Sonic Rainboom, but whatever, and the town is in a panic.
“Now Everyone calm Down. The Dragon only taken your friends and family.
God, your bedside manner sucks. I hope you never work at a hospital.
Critique: Now don’t worry bout a thing. I’m going to cut you open, dig around your insides, cut your artery and replace it with a pig’s artery. And if the surgery doesn’t go well, you’ll probably wake up in the most agonizing pain you’ve ever felt in your life just moments before you die.
The knight that appeared in the first chapter comes into town and Tails doesn’t really like him that much..
“IF YOU DIDN’T SHOW UP THAT DAY. THEN MY DAD WOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT. THEN THE DRAGON WOULDN’T HAVE COME AND THEY WOULDN’T HAVE. Have.” Endless broke down and started crying hard.
I wouldn’t blame Golden, he’s not the one who sent the dragons to kill your parents. That’d be the story.
I know this should be a shattering moment for where I feel for Tails, but I just don’t care.
Some more stuff happens that I’m skipping because it might as well be 1000+ words of ‘blah, blah, blah’ for all it has to do with anything. I think the only significant thing that comes out of this is a teacher of magic that Celestia name drops that no doubt will teach Tails how to fight dragons… Instead of teaching the fucking military!
So, Tails, being only 7 or 8 years old, decides to go on a quest to become stronger. And the Doctor is completely okay with that. Maybe he’s hoping he’ll be eaten by timberwolves. I know I would be.
There’s some more shit that happens that I think is suppose to provide chemistry for two more characters that we are only now just meeting and have no reason to like.
At lest this fic. by the way halfway done. woot.
And it cannot come any faster!
They arrive at some town where dragons appear and Tails sneaks off to spy on the dragons. Where we learn that the curse that White cast on the dragon king makes him completely the opposite of what he was. Not just physically, but mentally. For example, since the Dragon King was pretty much the strongest thing in the universe and was a dick. It would turn him into a harmless flea and make him want to spread the magic of friendship around.
So, this father character had the power to do this to the fucking Dragon King … and he didn’t bother teaching this to other ponies?! What the fucking hell?! Did the ponies decide they wanted to lose this war?! Or they wanted to sacrifice ponies lives in order for their stupid, convoluted plan to get this one special snowflake to save them all?!
A dragon spots him and attacks him. And since he’s eight years old with no combat experience and has the defensive skills of a bowl of chocolate pudding fighting against me with a spoon and a craving for chocolate, of course he manages to kill the dragon! Pfft, I’m surprised he didn’t take on the dragon king! Hell, why not a whole army of dragons single handedly?! Our character is so great, he can just do that at fucking eight years old!
They then come to a town where they meet the Flim Flam Brothers, who are down on their luck with their new invention no one wants and no one is brave enough to even try, but start playing that Superman theme because Tails is here to save the day by being the only thing in the universe with the ability to solve problems.
This has nothing to do with anything, so that was a fucking waste of time. Which I think is what I’m going to rename this story.
He finds the Master of Magic that is supposed to teach him. Thank god, I’m ready for him to kill the fucking dragons so this piece of shit can finally end. The Master knows, of course, that Tails is the chosen one who will bring balance to the force and becomes his Obi-wan Kenobi.
Something I want to mention in this part of the story, that’s actually been going on for a few chapters. Here’s a shortened version of the author’s note that focuses on the part I want to bring up.
i like to leave the Ten years with Master Zend to be flash back in my next story. so just bit you lip on this one and bear with me. (Warning Forth wall Breaking) "Your so mean." Pinky said form nowhere. "I know. ;P "Writer type. "Hey Pinky. it me Gem Stone." she said hugging Pinky. the two pony's started to talk super fast. the writer look over at a baseball bat. "Maybe i'll just get earplugs." he said walking away. (forth wall restore) Yes. i like breaking the forth wall from time to time.
So, yes, as you’ve probably guess, he breaks the fourth wall in his author’s note. Now, this might be me, but I don’t feel like this fits in with anything we’ve seen thus far. The story isn’t all that comical. I mean, it tries to be, but it’s actually not. The story is more glorifying the character of Tails.
I know this isn’t part of the story and isn’t technically wrong, but I feel that this fourth wall breaking was done for the sake of ‘because.’ Not because it is actually interesting. It just bothers me and maybe I’m the minority, but I’m going to bang on that shit until shit become obsolete! There, you may now all call me ‘a close minded git.’
So, it’s been over a year since Tails started training with Master Roshi. (Yes, I am trying to make you think of more entertaining things.) And Tails arrives back to steal a kiss from Luna in the most pervy manners, before Luna socks him in the face. Best scene ever.
Luna is fucking pissed that Tails is a perv and this story just got interesting… Does this mean that Tails is going to be a dick the rest of the time because he’s the one mary sue that didn’t get the girl? Because that wouldn’t make him any less likable, but at least more engaging and more interesting
But Tails seems to take this rejection with a ‘Meh, what do you do?’ And now I hear strange voices in my head telling me ‘Oh, God, will you just take the cyanide pills already?! I can’t take anymore of this!’ Maybe I should see somepony about that.
And then all of a sudden, Luna’s all over him! There is literally no reason for this! It’s like the story wrote himself into a corner with his relationship with Luna and decides that it would be best if he just forgot about it, since no one is probably going to read it anyway. Well, the joke's on you, buddy! I’m reading this story, so the joke's on me!
They go to dinner at the Flim Flam Brothers Restaurant… No, I’m being serious. It’s literally called the Flim Flam Brothers Restaurant.
“Watch out for those random vine attack. They attack tho who are full of them self.” she said a hove over her mouth. After a few minute they walk up to a large building with the word Flim and Flam Brother restaurant. It look fancy.
Okay, bad spelling and grammar notwithstanding.
They have their dinner and the Flim Flam Brothers, because Luna is royalty, she gets to eat free. Apparently, the Flim Flam Brothers have a crippling fear of money and success. Well, that sure changed a few generations later.
And then Tails gets a birthday present from his dead mother and father. Next scene! We cut over to the dragons where we learn that the curse that Tails’s father is sure taking it’s fucking sweet ass time!
“Overload has there been any luck in finding him?” Darth ask bowing to a large red dragon with purple spike going down his back.
“My scouts Report said that they been tracking him for sometime now. Old friend. But for now you should rest.” he said waving his hand for him to go.
“I’m fine. The curse has yet to change my body. I will be changing soon though.” he said standing up.
And want to know something else that is incredibly stupid. It turns out that Tails’s mother is still alive… How she survived having her neck broken is anyone’s guess, but that she is being held captive by the dragons and apparently has been for about 10 years. And that her husband is also alive and that the dragons are looking for him.
Yeah, I’m with Cartman on this one. So, the mother is alive and the husband hasn’t even tried to rescue her yet. It’s been ten fucking years, guy! I wonder how that reunion will go?
Husband: Honey, I’m here to rescue you!
Wife: What the fuck took you so fucking long, you filthy piece of fucking shit?!
Husband: Don’t talk to me that way, woman!
Wife: Oooo, look at me I’m a big strong man who beats on a woman and that makes me cool, you fucking prick! I’ve been in this dungeon for 10 years waiting for your useless ass to come rescue me! Couldn’t pull yourself away from the T.V to form a coherent thought, huh?
Husband: I- I…
Wife: No, No… Tell you what, why don’t I stay here and continue to live my life as a dragon’s personal slave girl, because believe it or not, the fucking dragons treat me better than you ever could, you sack of…
…. Wow, I really went off on that one… But can you really blame me after the stupid that I’ve just been served? Hey, waiter, there seems to be some stupid in my story!
Celestia tells Tails that a group of soldiers have been sent… Been ten years guys, what the fuck have you been waiting for, some kind of chosen one? I’m sure that will be great to explain to the slaves that were forced to… Sorry, I’ll move on. … to liberate the ponies that have been captured by the dragons.
Tails rushes to join them and is swiftly captured. They intend to use him as bait to lure his father into a trap. Well, strap yourself in Tails, you're going to be there for 10…
Yes, yes, sorry!
But it turns out that his father… I’m not going to do it... appears to save Tails from the dragons.
Vader goes into a blind rage and starts attacking Tails. But after failing to defeat Tails, he decides to go after the one he loves, even though he has never met the one Tails’s loves, but whatever, there are only 3 chapters left.
The group talks about a forbidden spell that is only now coming into play. They make their way to Tails’s old school… for some reason… And the father mentions that the curse he put on the dragon is actually going to make him even more powerful than ever…. Um… I’m not sure you really know what the definition of ‘curse’ is, bro.
For that matter, if this goes with what the curse was supposed to do in the first place, changing him into his opposite, was he considered, in the dragon world, to be the weakest and nicest of the dragons? Because that sure was fucking confusing!
But it turns out that the dragon’s mind begins to be warped by his new power and Vader dawns a new name. A name that embodies chaos and disharmony. Yes… Yes, everypony. Tails’s father… the one who thought it was a good idea to use magic to make the man who kidnapped his wife and tortured her for ten years… made Discord.
Why? How? The story doesn’t care. So, why the fuck should I? Hell, I’m thinking about not bothering with the spelling and grammar for the rest of the review. Because, hey, if the story can’t bother to get it right, why the hell should I?
So, Discord does his thing and the group gathers up whatever passes for the Elements of Harmony, and they battle Discord. They find they don’t have the ‘Jewel of Everlasting Power’.
Not kidding…
“Endless gave Luna a gift many year ago. Before he left to train with Master Zend. I doubt he knew it at the time. but he gave her the Jewel of Everlasting power.” Celestia said. The door flew open.
So, without it, they can’t make the Elements of Harmony work. Nopony questions why they didn’t just use the Jewel of Everlasting Power to defeat the dragon before because nopony gives a shit and just wants this story to end.
Tails goes into the castle to rescue Luna, because we haven’t had the damsel in distress trope yet, and Discord appears to threaten them both. Tails manages to save both him and Luna and they both share a kiss together. Tails defeats Discord, but is killed in the process. I don’t care if the last chapter says he’s survived, as far as I’m concerned he’s done for.
Actually, what happens to him is … a lot more sick… He gets turned to stone… all except his face.. You know, so he can make out with Luna… but… they then lock him in a dungeon where only Luna and Celestia can visit him… Jesus… I didn’t think this story could get that dark, but… Damn…
Well, it’s still atrocious.
This is about as barebones as you can get.
The story is rushed with plot points being introduced and swiftly ignored. The characters are barely established with only Gem Stone being the most interesting, and that’s only because she was a copy/paste of Pinkie Pie.
Half of it makes no sense or just feels like it doesn’t really want to try hard. It feels like about halfway through it, the author just didn’t care what was posted and decided to just throw whatever at the wall, knowing no one would read it.
There was a lot of stuff I skipped, otherwise, this review would have been much longer. Not that it was interesting anyway. The story just kind of piddles around for a lot of it with nothing connecting to the overall plot. I wouldn’t have mind if the characters were developed, but that never ends up happening in any of these scenes.
The spelling and grammar are abysmal and need to be taken down and began again. This needs more than just a proof-reader. This needs a basic concept of word choices.
And I found an author’s note that says it all...
i'm not the best speller in the world. but ask me any math question and I'll give it to you in less then a second.
Okay, what does ‘Telling your story’ plus ‘horrible spelling’ plus ‘lack of characterization’ equal?
Bored Critique!
Yay for Nightmare Month. Maybe one of these stories will be genuinely scary.
Hmm, sounds like a "Monkey's Paw" type story.
Oh no wait, it's an Alicorn/Mary Sue story. Brace yourself, people.
Though I guess she and uncle Eeroh can make love out of nothing, so...
You will notice that little thingy that looks like a tadpole next to the period key. That is a comma. It is your friend. Use commas when making lists.
And if you are going to make use of periods in this manner, MAKE SURE YOU USE COMPLETE SENTENCES!
Burn down houses? Slaughter babies? Cheat on his income taxes?
the countrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and sun was almost down from the top of the sky.
"When Lo, the Glorious God Empress descended upon the divided tribes. With steel and warpflame She united the ponies under one banner, and from Her lips came words of peace and friendship, that which we declare Magic."
... I wish. Seriously, this story needs a lot of grammar editing. Not to mention it's already suffering from a severe case of telling instead of showing.
They found a secret love cave and used their special Earthmoving powers to meet in private... wait, wrong story.
"Duuuuuuuude, I'm so stoned right now... what're we doin' again?"
"I dunno.... fighting a war or something?"
"Nah... I've got the munchies. Anyone got any Doritos?"
First off, why is the guy talking to his feet?
Second off, Why is the guy not named? It's kind of hard to follow a character that has no name.
Third off, MY GOD THE GRAMMAR IS ONLY GETTING WORSE!!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE DO SOMETHING?!?!
Wow, the last time I made the Angel/Angle mistake was seven years ago... I feel old now.
If they weren't horses I'd have the same problem. then again, that's why I'm a history major and not a horse doctor.
Because the author had the sudden urge to write a porno?
Once again, it appears as if I am doing something wrong. I should have made Kyoshi aware that she was the Avatar when she first discovered she was an Earthbender. At age one.
I would say that maybe he's trying to save the world or something, but he's not Hohenheim so I'll have to stick with your suggestion.
Given his author's note, I wouldn't bet on it.
what is this I don't even...
And thank you once again for NOT SHOWING US A DAMN THING!!!
Careful, though; the Gatekeeper might take a leg or an arm or your internal organs if you're not careful.
So maybe that's why Critique keeps getting hit with shovels; the universe is looking to balance karma's books and needs someone to be hit with a shovel.
...
...
...
Wha-
Gu-
I'd-
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT DOES STAR WARS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING IN THIS STORY?! WHY DID THE AUTHOR FEEL THE NEED TO RIP OFF ONE OF THE MOST BADASS SCI-FI VILLAINS OF ALL TIME?!?! AND WHY HAS HE DONE NOTHING TO IMPROVE HIS GRAMATICAL SKILLS?!?!?!?!?
Wrong, they fear the Dovahkiin.
Yeah.
I-I mean, yeah, I'm sure there are some people that would think that. I-It's not like I like you or anything!
...Baka.
And where's Celestia in all this? No one ever cares for Celestia. But I care. I made Celestia the most Badass person I could think of, and there are many others who have done the same.
There really should be a Celestia appreciation month or something...
Well, there was that one time where he became king of England...
Isn't he supposed to be saving the world? You know, fighting dragons and such?
When I made a tribute to Twilight, the one I used was a former militia commander turned general who died trying to stab Nightmare Moon in the face.
"I deed not write dees. Ees bullshit. I deed not write eet. I deed naaaught... Oh hai Mark!"
Bulbasaur was my favorite too...
Anything would be more exciting than this story.
Uh, Docotr, I don't think you can do that-
SHUT UP NURSE!!!
No. Just... no. There is nothing I can say that will make this story any better. This, this right here, this is the lowest point of the fic so far. It's just... guh, nothing makes sense, and then the author had to throw in a fourth wall break for NO REASON!!!
I hate this... I hate it... I hate it...
WHAT THE HELL DOES MATH HAVE TO DO WITH GRAMMAR?!
God this story sucked. I can't wait to see what terrors await us this month...
3450687
This story scared me. Does that count?
3451090 I wanted to say something about that... but given my track record with explaining things, I'd probably end up stumbling over my own words.
Go on...
Says you, at least we pegasi don't need a step ladder to reach the tallest shelf in the whole library
Yeah, I hate to see the poor sod whou would ha-Oh no, not me! I already have enough problems with the crap I do for fandom fridays. Did you see last week's vid?
Nope, just a classroom where he has to kill his teacher in a year.
Princess Sally Appearently,
My this fic was boring, and painful
3450687
Speaking of that... You'll probably notice an extreme neglect on the part of the 'God Empress of Ponykind' review. And that is because... I was abducted... By... dolphins... who ... made me have dirty sex with a mermaid. ... Or more likely, I've been distracted by shiny objects.
I'll get back to that. I will. ... No seriously. I will.
Official head canon accepted.
Sorry, but sexy me is spoken for.
That's because he's the best.
I'd settle for a story that could at least tie it's fucking shoes or spell its fucking words.
3451090 Yes. Yes it does.
3451734 Okay... but just for you..
Zelda's hand slithered up Luna's back as they drew in close. The Hyrulian princess pressed her lips against the pony's muzzle. A single hoof wrapped around Zelda, pulling her towards Luna's voluminous bosom. Like to water balloons pushed together, the breasts of the pair pressed into one another. The air gave way for a moan coming from Zelda as the alicorn princess nibbled on her pointy ear. Zelda had never experienced a lustful sensation with a horse before... Except for that one time with Epona. But only because Link had made it look like so much fun to begin with...
Luna on the other hand... or hoof, I should say... was all to familiar with human anatomy. After a while, they started to get a bit samey. They all thought they knew how to please a horse sexually. But very few of them actually did. Zelda was an exception as her tongue slid across Luna's brow. Her fingered hand slowly lowered down to Luna's cutie mark and gently stroking it. As Zelda's lips continued to push against Luna's, the alicorn princess of the night began to think that the negotiations between Equestria and Hyrule were going swimmingly.
There. Don't say I don't ever give you anything.
3452866
Um... yes... I did... And wasn't abducted by... Ant people for the planet 'Outlandish.'
In all seriousness, I hadn't. If you want to send me a link, I'll view it.
The truth is... this fic got so boring, that I almost quit. It was that boring and dull.
3452949
Take your time. I know how things pile up and shiny things are shiny, so there's no rush
This is already seeming like one remarkable story. And I am sure you have many more remarks to give on it, if I know your reviews well enough.
A story that can wipe my ass??? Does this story have any swearing in it? I was told in a movie that swearing in french is like wiping your ass with silk. Makes me wish I knew french. Then I could have this story translated into french, and feel the sensation of silk against my ass for the duration. That might make it better if this was a long story.
OK' So I'm weird.
So do I. But spelling is not the only issue. After reading that. I still cant tell what this story is suppose to be about. And I pride my self at being able to understand some bad spelling. Though in this case, it just leaves me scratching my head.
If I can't understand this gibberish, I feel for you man. And you are definitely better than I am if you understood that short passage.
Granted, I know I have some bad spelling, though this, Damn!
I think I know. The story starts with Jack, and continues with his adventures up the beanstalk. Thus, Jack, and beanstalk. Haeee, Miss AI, I R use mi noodle.
I did with mine, about twenty times, for each of mine. Still didn't help me much at first.
Can't fix what you can't see.
I came up with a real bizarre story idea, something like that one.
What, me have a bizarre story idea? No!
OK' The idea was that all ponies stared out as just earth ponies. This is where it gets weird. One day(and I have not made up on how yet) two ponies gave birth to the very first alicorns. Twins. One a filly, the other a colt. In time when they each found an earth pony as a companion. Those two created unicorns and pegasuses as the first alicorn half breeds. This would make all unicorns and pegasuses part alicorn by blood.
The details of this I am still working on. Did I mention that I know I am weird?
Does he do a "sign wave" showing that he is not straight?
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Yep!
At least it has that much going for it.
It is a little of the opposite on what you said about one of my stories. It has some bad scenes, but had the potential to be an OK story. If I remember correctly. You said it needed some polishing. So I gave my best at a spit shine. I think it still lacks luster though. But I am not fixing that one again.
Sadly, I do that at times. I might lay awake all night thinking of something. Only to end up taking care of what plagued my seep, in the morning. I am not a happy camper after such a night. And I am a vary light sleeper, That dose not help such situations for me much either.
I couldn't do that. I am learning what I can, free, online. No deposit, no return.
I may need some lax to relieve me of this shit.
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I have not used him yet, but I am working on it. Derpy should be happy at the least.
Well, anything is possible in a story. You have read enough of them to know.
Well, I am doing a sort of matchmaker scenario within my next big story involving him. One would have to wait to see how it goes however.
You can use them on mine, if and when you do one on the next. There is at least one spot in it for them, I think.
Yes! Yes there is...
Yes, the name Gem Stone is not too strait forward. And it is a little rare to see an actual reincarnation story in the works. None that I remember of. So this rarity of a gem for an idea, dose seem to have a little merit.
Looking back at some of my own work, and saw just how bad some if it is, just like the part you pointed out. It can leave a reader feeling like this.
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Or even this.
https://moonwolves.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/star-trek-generations09.jpg
Do to a lack of content. I know many parts of my stories look like that.
Mine will not be that bad. I promise! Promise I may, sadly I can't guarantee anything.
You could always toss some salt on it and watch it melt. I think I created a metaphor for what is going on.
Hay Miss AI. Is you logging what is coming out of me noggin? I sot me is inter lec tyoual now...
Come on honey. Spread open those legs. We is going to start an endless gang"BANG!" With lot's of power behind it. Though some of us not as manly is just going to wing it as best they can. I looked into her eyes, and I knew she felt me.
Then she looked over my side to see a wall of multicolor males had filled the area around her.
Yes! The idea of Tails(Miles Prower) receving some training from Master Roshi, does seem much more entertaining than this story. And Tails can go supper. I know, I read about it in the comics. And he is said in them to be destined to be the most powerful hero anyone has ever seen. He will in time make Sonic look like a dead slug, even on his best day. It would be a funny thought that Master Roshi had a hand in that at some point. Seeing how Tails does some weird time, and interdimensional travel throught out his life. But that is another story.
Somehow That didn't look right.
Computer, I think he may need some assistance. If you will.
Oh' She just burnt him more than a dragon could.
Waiter: Well, let's see what town this idiot belongs to. I think it's lost, in many ways.
Funny, for a moment I though he was creating Spike. The weakest and nicest of the dragons. Because that would sure be less confusing.
Spike can get big. Real BIG! Though it is his niceness and lack of being anything like other dragons that seems to keep him small. That would make sense. But Discord? I don't get it. Isn't Discord like one of the most powerful beings on the show? Now how does this work?
What! Oh' for the...
I am fine. I just though that Gem Stone would be the name for Rarity's other. Silly me for thinking that.
And this make as much sense that Vader became Discord instead of Spike. Seeing that Vader was becoming a frail less of a dragon by that curse. Then poof! He is Discord!? The all powerful? I still don't get it.
But after, amused readers of said review. I think there might be some sort of Yin-Yang symbolism to that.
Hay, Miss AI, Me got somen new for you to compute. And me likes feeding you.
3452978 *heavy breathing*
3454496 Now you want me to write 'clop' don't you?
An A+ student.
Surprisingly, that would have been more interesting. My version of Endless Night was that he took it up the tail like a champ.
I'm think about writing a story where the Critique has sex... with himself. And now I'm done thinking about it.
Ah, I see what you did there!
Even funnier if Tails got trained by Segata Sanshiro.
... I am revoking your A+
3454834 derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/6/19/10690__safe_solo_princess+celestia_animated_simple+background_transparent+background_grin_dancing_princess+molestia_artist-colon-mrponiator.gif