Shortened Description · 8:01pm Sep 3rd, 2015
How does it feel? Is there too less, or is it just right?
In the year 2036 an asteroid dubbed "Apophis" struck the Earth and contaminated fifty percent of its water and atmosphere with an extraterrestrial pathogen dubbed "The SOL Strain." Within two years since the impact, sixty percent of all human life was gone and the governments of the world were struggling to get by and all seemed lost.
But that's where I came into play.
My name is Chloe Cooper and I'm the only known human to be genetically immune to the SOL Virus. During the pandemic I volunteered myself for human project experimentation, in order to keep me alive, I and three other humans were locked away in a vault deep within the Appalachian mountains. There these three people, I'd soon call my friends, ran tests on the me and the virus. However, when communications ran out... it was time we were laid to rest.
Cryostasis pods we dubbed: "Cocoons" were built in case things were to fail. 16,000 years later I awoke to a breach in the vault, along with a whole load of other problems... and because of those problems I'm now the last of my kind.
Personally, I don't think it's as gripping. But that's just me, I want to please you guys.
Hmm, sounds good to me.^^
I thought it was fine the way it was, but this is good, too. I like either one.
I had no problem with the first version, it got me to read the story and that was it's job. This one is fine too, just unneeded in my opinion.
I didn't have any problems with the original one, but the shorter description may work better. It still gives enough to know what the story's about.
It doesn't flow all that well. I would try something along these lines: http://pastebin.com/2rFgtWwv
I agree it's not as gripping; however it does leave more up to the story to explain. Stories are better if you don't have to read the description for them to make sense.
3367289 Whoa that does a flow a bit better, however some of punctuation makes a feel a bit robotic, (Too many pauses imo) but that's just me. I think I'll use this one but I think I'll make a few changes to it, that'll hopefully make it run better. Thanks!
Whoa, this is short?
Gonna be totally honest with you, but that isn't short at all. You basically blabbed the entire first chapter right there! Not entirely appealing, publicly speaking.
I say keep the asteroid, keep the first person intro, and keep the alone aspect. Other than that, it could use some trimming.
Spritz has a point. You revealed too much. That's why I have trouble making descriptions because they need to be brief and give the fatties just a little drop of the turkey's juiciness to get them going.
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Too be honest you need to think back to what I originally had. (Back when it was three times as long) This is a lot shorter then what I had and it doesn't spoil too much like it did before (though all it spoiled was lore).
3367376 If it spoils lore, that's okay. Just a tiny bit of it always interests people into wanting to know what comes next.
3367389 Even now all it spoils is lore, the only bit that pokes at the present is the final two sentences. (Which tie into the beginning of the first chapter).
3367390 Hmmm. You have a point. Honestly, I've forgotten how to do a description, and I don't know why.
3367405 Though thanks to 3367289, I updated it again (nothing really changed) it should flow much easier now then the one above.
I personally prefer the original version, but I'm not going to be 'that person' who whines and wheedles away at every decision you make for your story.
For now it has medium beginning in which there are hints on two genres BUT i wont be the guy who say "oh so its like this".
Its good BUT i will need more....materials to get the feel of the setting of the world and the usual mood in it.
I know it is Equestria(as all of them are) but this version need to grow as the story goes on.
Anywho, good luck.
Personally, it's still a bit much for me, but don't strain your description to fit my criteria. I will still read your story with the same fervor as before.