Critique Reviews: A Day as Dashie · 3:09pm Jul 1st, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
I’ll admit I was going to do a review of Spike Goes to Sugar Cube Corner, which is based on a very infamous fanfic, Dipper goes to Taco Bell. But after reading about half a paragraph of the it, I decided I can do the review in under one hundred words.
It’s a 7 year old boy’s attempt at being funny after discovering all the wonders of his dick and the magic it can bring to the world right after I chop it off with machete. With the maturity of a 2 year old lacking even the basic concepts of human relations and deciding that the best way to make friends is to sicken everyone with kindergarten level humor.
Not unlike myself.
However, when I do it, I know I’m making bad decisions and roll with it and often I don’t post it in what is supposed to be a complete story. So, this week, I had to ponder what I was going to review and pick something that ultimately didn’t make me want to shove Celestia’s horn down my eye socket.
And, I’ll have you know that later today, Celestia is supposed to visit, so I can jam my face into her horn.
Well, that pretty much gives away my opinion on today’s story, A Day as Dashie.
Honestly, the premise of this story, alone, made me pick it up. It was one of the most awkward premises I’d ever heard of and that alone told me that this would be fucking gold for a review.
The premise is that a brony. A male brony. Ends up in the body of Rainbow Dash via magical bullshit.
God, and I thought I came up with some messed up shit for stories. That is if I actually ever wrote anything. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We’re here to shove this story up it’s own ass! Because that’s clearly all that it’s worth!
I’ve read some stupid ideas in my short span as a reviewer of shit, but this is probably one of the dumber things I’ve read about.
But, you won’t believe me until I actually start this thing. So, let’s review this story by Cool Writer - I doubt it- and see where this mess leds us.
"Funny, and I was about to say: this day couldn't get any worse."
Took the words right out of my mouth actually.
Our story begins with Mikel (Mee kel? Michael? Mear kat?... Meerkat…) being pulled over by a cop. Apparently, Meerkat has had a pretty rotten day.
His day started when he accidentally spilled coffee on his shirt rushing out the door due to over sleep, and continued when he forgot his laptop at home.
Because the office he works at apparently does not have computers for him to work on. … That or they monitor his work computers after they caught him writing this awful piece of literature.
He had to rush back home, only to find the laptop completely dead. When he finally got in to the office, he was late. To top things off, the report he had been working on for the bast month had gotten deleted, via thumb drive "malfunction" (he dropped it in the street).
Ah, so mary sue traits are already showing up. Apparently, Meerkat is related to the Egyptian Goddess, Bast.
When he was finally able to recover it, it was already 5 hours late. Now he was going to be late home and miss one of his only joys in life.
Yes, my life is so bad that the only thing that brings me joy is the day of my birth. I have nothing else good in my life. Even though, I haven’t been fired from my job, have a nice home where I can spill coffee, a laptop that functions, and my MLP porn. Clearly, nothing else makes me happy!
Seriously, it’s only the first paragraph and I want to dip my head in a tub of paint and let the fumes suffocate me!
The cop pulls him over and tells him that his back lights are out and that he broke the speed limit. Rather than be a dick to the cop, Meerkat gives him his licence and the cop writes him a ticket, asking him to drive safer.
I’ll give this story credit for not making the cop or the main character a complete dick to each other. While it’s not very detailed, it still is nice to see people actually treating each other fairly despite a rotten situation.
"Why today?" Mikel asked the sky. "It's my birthday."
IT’S THE ONLY DAY IN THE UNIVERSE THAT MAKES ME HAPPY! EVERY OTHER DAY PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE I’M NORMAL OR SOMETHING! I’M NOT NORMAL!
Mikel finally got home, and sure enough: he missed the first episode of season 5, mlp. He walked inside the house. He walked to the TV and turned on the DVR.
He walked to the bathroom. He walked to where he kept his toilet paper. He walked to the toilet. He walked out of the bathroom without flushing.
… Seriously, using the same two words to start every sentence gets fucking tedious.
Oh and don’t worry about missing season 5. Way I hear it, most bronies left the fandom by this point.
It turns out that Meerkat in an engineer working for NASA… Because sure… and he’s developing a rocket for them.
… Okay…
And he’s depressed because he missed … um… uh… Let’s see… what was that line before?
When he was finally able to recover it, it was already 5 hours late. Now he was going to be late home and miss one of his only joys in life.
So, the only joy in his life is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Okay, legit but… Wait… don’t new episodes only come on Saturdays?! Saturday mornings usually?! I mean, I only watch them on Netflix, but isn’t that when they usually are on?! When girls (and boys) get out of bed from a long week of school in their pajamas and watch cartoons all morning instead of doing their morning chores.
What the hell are you doing at the office on a Saturday morning? And, yes, I know that some offices have you work on Saturdays, but that isn’t made clear! Am I just supposed to assume that?!
Okay, fair enough, but… this mentions that this happened in the afternoon after his work shift! It says that he was there, at least, 5 hours! Do they show reruns in the afternoon on Saturdays?! I mean, it’s possible, but unlikely since that’s usually on weekdays when kids get out of school!
Call me making a mountain out of an anthill, but shut up! This is my review and I do things my way!
So, Meerkat continues to complain about how much his life sucks when he gets a t-shirt from his parents…
The angering thing wasn't that it was a tee, he asked for one, but when he asked for a tee, he asked for a tee with Rainbow Dash on it. But no, he got a plain tee. It was 5 sizes to small.
So, it was 5 sizes too small? … How big are you?! Did you tell your parents you’d lost some weight and that they assumed you had lost 300 pounds or something?!
I mean, I don’t want it to seem like I’m making fun of fat people! Fat people are people too, but… just read that and tell me that makes any semblance of sense!
Or are the parents just retarded and can’t figure out how old their son is?! Well, he does watch a show for 7 year old girls, it’s not a difficult mistake to make!
Oh, lighten up! Can’t you guys take a joke?!
NO, YOU SUCK!
So, he goes to sleep and has a dream where he fuses with Rainbow Dash… Feel free to make your own sex joke there… Who am I kidding, most of you already have.
Meerkat wakes up and discovers that he has indeed transformed into Rainbow Dash.
Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense. But don’t worry, the story is going to fill us in as to why. Trust me, you’ll be so disappointed and confused.
So, Meerkat starts freaking out about being a girl, something that I have only dreamed about, and decides the best thing to do would be to find Twilight Sparkle in the hopes that she’ll be able to figure out what’s going on.
So he begins to tour the town… while flying… I would rant about that, but… honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care. Apparently, flying is just so fucking easy that anyone can learn it. And if you don’t know how to fly in the first 5 seconds of life, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Between The First Artificial Alicorn, The Lost Prince, The High Road, and now this… I’ve learned that flying is easy and anyone who can’t do should be shot in the head.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bash my head against a brick wall until that makes sense.
So, he runs into a group of background ponies, saying their names out loud as if that’s supposed to mean something, but it’s pretty much pointless since he interacts with none of them.
Meerkat then runs into Pinkie Pie and wouldn’t you believe the coincidence… Not only does Pinkie Pie think that Meerkat is Rainbow Dash, but it’s also Rainbow Dash’s birthday.
Mikel thought this was funny, it was his birthday to.
Technically, since you fell asleep that night, wouldn’t your birthday have been yesterday?! Jesus, is time and space getting fucked in this fic?! It sure feels like it!
'This is going to be great!' Mikel thought. All Bronies will admit how awesome it would be to have a party, thrown for you by Pinkie Pie. And now it was happening.
Pfft, a Pinkie Pie Party? Old school. Now a days, bronies prefer Cheese Sandwich. He’s the best party pony!
Oh, grow up!
We then cut to Twilight who is mixing up a potion together. Little known fact, this is actually the prequel to ‘Why Did I Do This?’ Let’s just hope the first pony she murders is Meerkat.
"OK! That about dose it! All I need now is some cloud for a potion." She then happened to see her friend (And arguably best pony) Flutter Shy.
While I would not argue with you as far as the best pony goes (second if you include me, of course), but good god, if you are such a fan of the character, could you at least spell her name right?!
Yeah, something you have probably already noticed about the writing is how piss poor it is. While it’s not as bad as maybe Prince Martin Willis, I seen 3rd grade English reports with better spelling and proper word usage than this!
I’m skipping half of the terrible writing that is in this story, otherwise, this review would be twice as long as it is now.
Speaking of something being terrible, I’ve only just noticed how terrible the dialogue is for this story. Just take a look at this exchange between Twilight and Fluttershy.
Hey Flutter Shy!" Twilight called out to her friend. Flutter Shy was carrying a basket with some stuff in it. Flutter Shy noticed her.
"Oh! Hi Twilight!" Flutter Shy called back. "What is it?"
"I was wondering if you could get a tuft of cloud for me?" Twilight asked. "But it's perfectly fine if you don't want to." Twilight didn't want to force her friend to do something she didn't want to do.
"It's OK, I'm perfectly happy to help out a true true friend." Flutter Shy said in her nice, caring tone.
“Happy to help out a true, true friend?” What is Fluttershy going to break out into song? … Shut up, I actually like that song.
"Here you go!" Flutter Shy flinched. "I hope that's enough!" Flutter Shy squeaked.
"No no! That's plenty! Thank you!" Twilight said. "So... uh... what are you doing?" Twilight asked, 25% to change the subject, 75% because she was generally curious.
Okay… I didn’t know there was a subject that was being talked about to be changed… You know, this story really feels like something is missing from it... Like talent.
They arrive back at the library and find Spike freaking out about finally being in a fanfic… Oh, I’m sorry, about Rainbow Dash reading a book.
"Her!" Twilight looked where Spike was pointing to see Rainbow Dash reading a book, and a big book at that.
Reading is evil! You should never read a book, ever!
Actually, it turns out that the section that Rainbow Dash is reading from is, as the story puts it, science and research books. So 000 to 900 according to the dewey decimal system.
Must be a pretty fucking big left wing.
… Wait a second, Twilight’s Library?
… Didn’t…
Holy fuck, the space and time are being fucked!
When does this story take place?! I don’t fucking know! Apparently before Twilight’s Library was destroyed, but earlier the story said it took place after season 5 started! Does time pass differently in Equestria than it does on Earth?!
What the flying Dutchman of a fuck is going on here?!
So, Twilight talks to Meerkat and Meerkat explains the entire plot. Because of course he can.
So, it turns out there was a rip in the space/time continuum, it sure would explain the fucked up time situations in this story and that he passed through one into another dimension. Ah, so it’s Sliders without the quality.
Got ya.
And Meerkat brings up the formula that can fix the time travel spell. Funny, that spell seemed to work in Season 2, Episode whatever, Titled ‘Can’t Remember the Name of the Episodes and Too Lazy to Look It Up Just to Piss Off Bronies Who Actually Know the Title.’
I guess the spell broke in between Season 2 and Season 4. I’ll just blame it on Season 3, I have a lot of gripes with that season anyway.
Twilight wonders where Rainbow Dash learned all this stuff and Meerkat says that he just needs to borrow Twilight’s book before running off with it.
Twilight is curious about what’s going on and plans to get to the bottom of it.
"Can I barrow this? Thanks! Buy!" Rainbow dash said quickly as she rushed out the door.
You know, for someone who is really trying to be sciency and smart and shit, you should have been smart enough to invest in a proofreader.
These kinds of mistakes and trying to be all smart in this story with an engineer/physicist kind of contradicts itself. And it’s not like these are complex mistakes that only those of us in the writing community could gain from years and years of work. No, these are very, very basic writing missteps! Do you not have spell check on your computer?!
There are websites you can get spell check you know! Gdocs, Spell check on google, something! I don’t care, but just use your fucking spell check!
We then cut to Twilight talking about Rainbow Dash to the rest of the Main Six.
"... and then she said: I wasn't trying to fix the time travel spell!" Twilight said to Rarity. "She solved a complicated spell that unicorns haven't solved in years! How do she do that?"
… Hey, that’s a great point!
How the fuck did this guy solve a complex MAGICAL spell that unicorns haven’t solved?! I thought this guy was a physicist! Is he also a magician?! Next thing you’ll be telling me is he can solve world hunger!
Damion is telling you to cool it with the made up powers! The entire cast of the Poncho Chronicles is calling you out on this bullshit! Soren is more believable! SOREN! FUCKING SOREN!
So, Twilight tries to figure out what to do about Rainbow Dash…
"She was reading a book that is slightly challenging for me! From a scientific stand point, it's way above her reading level!!!!" Twilight said.
EXCESS EXCLAMATION POINTS MAKE MY POINT MORE EXTREME!!!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!!
He was looking over his notes for a devise to make him change back.
The DEVICE he was DEVISING was DIVERSE from the DIME a DOZEN DESIGNS that DON’T DO shit!
Seriously, get a DICTIONARY or something. You’re DRIVING me nuts!
So, Meerkat tries to create a machine that can transform him back into his normal self. However, there is one simple problem. Rainbow Dash isn’t a unicorn and can’t use magic.
Whoa, way to show some self restraint, story!
Twilight enters his house and Meerkat lies his way through every question she asks in order to stay as Rainbow Dash longer. And it’s here that I start to question just how crazy this guy is. For example, we know what happened to him, but what happened to Rainbow Dash?
Is she dead? Well good, our hero is a murderous psychopath who takes over the bodies of others after he murders them. I see Chrysalis signing up for villain lessons.
Is she in Meerkat’s body? Well, isn’t that kind of cruel? I mean, Meerkat at least had the knowledge of MLP before traveling to their world through the show, but what about Rainbow Dash’s knowledge of the human world?
I don’t think they have Save by the Bell or Game of Thrones in Equestria! So, how the fuck would Rainbow Dash know what to do or how to solve her problems?!
Also, Meerkat is a little too okay with being Rainbow Dash forever. Making me think that he’s more of a perv/sicko than I thought.
So, Meerkat tries to create a machine that can transform him back into his normal self. However, there is one simple problem. Rainbow Dash isn’t a unicorn and can’t use magic.
Wait… didn’t I do this?
Hold on…
*Checks the story.*
OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
The next scene is the exact same god-damn thing we just saw! Only it’s from the point of Twilight! Now, some of you are saying, “Okay, so we get to see Twilight’s point of view.” No, we get to see the same god-damn thing with one… ONE extra sentence! I can sure see why we needed to repeat that scene over again. A scene we JUST SAW for that one extra sentence!
I’m not going to ask when the story stopped trying… I think the question is ‘When did the story start trying?’
I mean it. There is literally no effort put into this. It feels like something that was just thrown together so quickly with so little thought into it, I wouldn’t be surprised if a sex scene was thrown in it just to get a couple extra views.
And I tell you guys, this story gets even less effort put into it as it goes on. Believe it or not, it actually gets even less effort thrown into it.
He flies through the Everfree Forest, but gets his wing injured.
As such he can’t fly back to Ponyville… which… begs the question… Why was he flying over the Everfree Forest? Did you decide that the story was incredibly boring so you needed something exciting?!
So, he wanders around the forest and runs into Twilight and… then he ends up in this … bizarro world and… I don’t fucking know. I’ve read this 4 times and I have no idea what the story is doing.
My guess is… Meerkat is drugged or something and Discord is behind it. Whatever. I don’t care. I stopped caring about 2 chapters ago.
So, he wakes up from his drug induced… whatever… and he reveals his secret to Twilight. Twilight… for some reason decides to blame Discord and we get what I think is supposed to be a funny line. But I want to challenge you guys. See if you can laugh at this line. Really try. Really summon every single ounce of energy you can to laugh at this line. It really is a difficult, difficult, difficult thing to do. In fact, it is so difficult, I bet if I even corrected every piece of grammar and spelling error in this passage, you would still find it difficult to laugh. Are you ready? Here it is.
"Let me stop you right there," Mikel said. "I know you’re gonna blame Discord automatically, give the guy a freaking chance! Gosh, I bet if the sewer got backed up you'd blame him."
"True." Twilight slowly nodded.
For any of you who laughed at that passage GO CHECK YOURSELF INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION BECAUSE YOU’RE CLEARLY CRAZY!
So, Twilight casts her spell to change Meerkat back and the world turns back as John Delancy laughs in the background. No… Not Discord, John Delancy. Well, I’ve heard of worse type casting.
Meerkat goes batshit crazy … which is really inconsistent since he was bitching about being human and thought being Rainbow Dash was awesome, but I guess the story realized that the character wasn’t getting us invested so it quickly had to string together some kind of forced plot.
"I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GONNA REACH MY HAND, DOWN YOUR THOUGHT, AND RIP YOUR STOMACH OUT! I'LL THEN REMOVE YOUR SMALL INTESTINE AND WRAP IT AROUND YOU NECK, AND HANG YOU WITH IT!!!!"
Hey, that’s the reaction that people had when they read this piece of shit.
So, Meerkat confronts Discord about ‘the pain of being Rainbow Dash and being beloved by every single brony on Earth and having the best of friends.’
God, this character’s only personality trait is whining! But I’ll give the story credit, at least this character has a personality trait! It’s just a shame that it’s the one that’s the most fucking annoying!
So, Meerkat asks Discord to turn him back to a human and Discord claims that it’s exactly what Meerkat wanted. Meerkat, however, assures him it wasn’t. Not sure how that exactly works since he’s done nothing, said nothing, or anything nothing to prove that is how he feels about it.
With that Discord promises to restore him to the way he was, after he asks them to watch something on his Iphone. Because he’s the god of chaos and shit. So I’ll let this one slide.
Mostly because I’ve ragged on about everything else. I’ll give the story a break from the beatings for one minute while I go buy a set of unbroken paddles.
So, it cuts to Rainbow Dash, the actual Rainbow Dash, in the body of Meerkat. And she does about as well as you’d expect, which is atrociously badly. Think Equestria Girl’s Twilight if it was somehow less funny.
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, there isn’t really much to comment on in this particular part of the story. It’s just of Rainbow Dash dicking around with nothing to do. And I can say that with context because Rainbow Dash now has a dick, instead of just generally being one.
Oooh, I think I just pissed off most of the brony community with that one. Next week, I’m going to make fun of Fluttershy! The stupid bitch!
And it’s at this point in the story that it actually become self aware and thinks that it’s being witty. Because it is a fanfiction.
"Well, I'm not sure. Do you think the plot demands it?" Discord asked angrily.
"What?" All the pony body's said.
"All you humans, think I can only do what the plot demands." Discord crossed his... "arms" ... After a while, he finally continued.
The story obviously wants to be clever and witty, but also forgot that it takes more than referencing pop culture at random and being sarcastic. That’s the secret to being a washed up reviewer who bitches about fanfiction that nobody in their right mind would read and yet somehow they end up in his read later box.
So, Discord switches them back and gets them back into the right world. I’m honestly not sure what the point was about this at all. Since we hardly spend enough time with Meerkat or Dash to really get to see the struggles they would go through, learning about the other’s lifestyle.
Because it’s a fanfiction!
Shut up!
So, yeah, the story is shooting to be a comedy fic, but it didn’t make me laugh. Not once. And that’s not because I’m a humorless dipshit that wouldn’t understand a joke if it hit me in the face with a whipped creamed… grenade.
Not just because of that anyway.
Take xjuggernautx’s Easy as Pie. An incredibly funny fic because it wasn’t just referencing pop culture and being self referential. It had timing, a sense of fun, a relatable character that wasn’t just every brony or self insert on the face of the fucking Earth.
It actually took more time than a typical shit to actually make good and make enjoyable. This story literally feels like it was shit out of the author’s ass and serve on plate for all of us to enjoy. Except, I won’t enjoy it because you forgot the first lesson in creating art.
Effort!
This story has no effort thrown into it. It has no effort into the characters, the dialogue, the writing, the plot, the jokes. It has literally no effort and that’s why this story is dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
Now, go read it, while I hide behind my hate shields like a coward against the Rainbow Dash Fan Club.
*Cocks gun*
OH CRITIQUE! COME OUT AND PLAAAAY!
I half wish they would, then I wouldn’t have to hear them.
Honestly, I've been wanting something like Season five ever since I first saw My Little Pony. I mean, way back when Pony Tales was a thing.
How do you forget something like that?
...The grammar alone in this tirade... not even the whineyness... how do you do this?
You ever wonder if any of the writers are actually 12 year olds who are just starting writing? It would explain a lot.
I accidentally closed the tap I was using to comment on this
Suffice to say, the comment was brilliant; full of good humor and shout outs. for now, know that this fic sucked.
.......... This man has problems
3197056
3199101 That's okay. I can feel the burning hatred burning with you like a burning fire, burning brightly against the burning sunset. ... Or maybe that's just because my house is burning down.
3201669 Correct. ... You get a gold star.
bossierpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/gold-star-graphic.jpg
3201800 XD No but seriously this story sucks. The guy must've been smoking during the writing of it.
3201803 SCORE!
...
O_O ... Jesus, Dash! Calm the Hell down!
Critique: WEEEELLL!
Fandom: Don't do it, Critique!
Critique: ... WEEEELLL!
Fandom: I'm warning you!
*cue song*
As for the fic?
Anyways, great review as always!
Remember when you made reviews as apposed to the random bullshit you post these days?
SHUT UP, DASH! I'M WORKING ON THEM! *goes back to playing Marvel Vs. Capcom 3
3199101 I can do it for you.