Jun
29th
2015
Is there something I am doing wrong? · 9:16pm Jun 29th, 2015
Dear Readers,
I face a serious problem. As I have seen, my second attempt at a re-write has gone no better than my first. It really seems that no matter what I try, things just go wrong for the story. I want to know:
Is there something I am doing wrong?
I can restore the previous edit again but I want to know, can I improve the story (apart from grammatically). I'm just stuck in a loop right now. So I ask you, more than ever, what can I do? What ideas do you have?
It hurts me that I am letting you down in such a way. So please, let me know... what would you like to see. What things do you want to see for Prince of the Sun? All want to hear your feedback and I want to know what you think.
Please help me if you can.
Kindest Regards
Tornado
Keep the one where he meets "Faust" who sends him to Equestria, it flows better.
I don't really have any problems with either edition.
I guess go with 3192644.
I was enjoying the original just fine.
Personally I haven't seen much change (Only just re-read it today). In terms of story the direction seems fine in how its going, so I'd say just carry on. Sometimes you need to leave something and move on.
Many authors think they need to "re-write" a story. but few even think that its okay as it is. yes there might be typos in it, or other problems, but that just gives the story character that is missing from a true published book.
so if other says its okay and don't change it, then believe it.
and I say don't change a thing. *WolfGrin*
Just write the story, and worry about the rewrites later. Or get an editor. Take your time, however. This isn't the Space Race.
This kind of thing kind of dictates part of its path by its own merits. You should however ask yourself where you see this story going, and what kind of story you want overall. And lets not forget that theres a few plot points that you already have that will help mold it as well.
Otherwise, keep calm, and maybe find a few trusted people to bounce ideas off of..or you oculd try hitting them with the ideas instead, but I take no claim to the blunt trauma.
Go back to how it was before, with the latest re-write I picture the protagonist ending up being little more than a puppet and becoming the next sombra just to pay off these 'debts' for being reborn.
If you need someone to bounce ideas off of than I would gladly help, just pm me if you do.
Honestly just forget the re-writes and continue the story,just look at em' a bit more
I agree; the original version of the opening chapter may not be "perfect" but it's what convinced me to keep reading! I'd rather see you keep going with the story than endlessly fretting over the opening bits. There are many fics on this site where the quality of later chapters is notably higher than the first ones, as the writer has leveled up in the process of writing the fic, and that's okay! Editing plot points is an endless rabbit hole with no bottom.
Keep it with Faust sending him to Equestria, and keep his personality how it is in the original (your first rewrite made him almost arrogant).
As for changes: I say have the ponies around the main character treat him more like an infant, and less like a small adorable mute stallion. One common theme in this fanfic that I don't like much is how all the adults keep talking to him as though he'd actually understand at 1 day old. Now while that much could be explained with them just humouring the child; the fact that when he actively shows signs of understanding what they're saying, and reacts with appropriate body-language (such as nodding or shaking his head), they treat it as perfectly normal even though no 1-day-old child could possibly learn spoken and body language THAT fast bugs me.
I go with 3192644 as well.
I like how you have made it so far, and would very much see the story continued.
If you want some idea's, you can PM me as well.
You're doing well, friend.
Cheers mate!
I agree with 3194155 to a point his new personality is perfect but no one day old is very cognizant of their surroundings, if at all. Also newborns and toddlers to a point can't control their limbs ,what movement there is is purely mussel reflex and nerves firing randomly (except the hands because we come from primates but even that is reflex) new born horses can. The reason we as humans can't is an evolutionary trait that allows our huge brains to grow. So a super intelligent (like us) horse should exhibit at most an intermediary period say till.... 4 months? Maybe? Otherwise you e got the story nailed. Also don't worry about views they will come. You can also pm me if you need help or hell just want to talk...im lonely
3194155
This.
I can see nothing inherently wrong with your story. Grammar is good and spelling, while there are a few errors, is not bad. Honestly, you've got a pretty good story started. My advice? I've looked through the comments and most people agree that your story is good. Just go with it. You cannot please everyone.
Either way, I wish you luck.
I've been reading Prince of the Sun, and honestly been enjoying it! Are their things I would change if I was in charge? Yeah. But overall it's a good story, entertaining, sweet, and funny.
Stand by your work, man. If you give it your best, put some real thought into it, and have fun writing it that's all that matters. Your gonna have haters, that is the internet. Take what they say with a grain of salt and like many below have said, "you can't please everybody."
Nothing needs to be changed! This is awesome!
3196468 But Mythic is both an alicorn by (second) birth and a case of divine intervention in keeping his past life's personality intact. There are no rules.
The storytelling is currently fine. I spot a few technical errors here and there, but nothing game-breaking.