Critique Review: Solar Embrace · 1:58pm May 20th, 2015
Hello, everypony.
I am the Critique.
Shippers.
What can be said about them? They will ship everything straight to you every day you ask them to. It doesn’t matter what it is or who it is for, they will ship it. Rain, snow, sleet, or hail, there is always something to be shipped.
Why just the other day, I shipped something myself. It wasn’t very long and it took less thought that taking a piss.
So, what is it about shippers that make them so popular? Well, I’m here to answer that question with the shipping I just received from my brother.
Oh… You thought I was talking about… Ha, ha, ha! Why would I ever talk about those kinds of shippers in these reviews? Name one time I’ve ever talked about shipping.
Okay, so I might have mentioned it a little bit here and there. As I said in the past, there are some bizarre pairings out there. I’ve yet to see one that makes sense due to level of complete lack of care put into certain pairings. I guess the mindset of some writers is, if I don’t put any effort into it, it will still look good, because it’s stallion on stallion action.
Yeah, My Immortal’s last words.
And our story is one of the more bizarre pairings I’ve seen. One that I’m honestly not looking forward to. What is it exactly? Well, let’s review Solar Embrace by Abramus5250 and see if I want to vomit out my own horseshoes by the end of it.
The world as ponies knew it was not a very old place, in the terms of geologic time.
One could say that it was a young whippersnapper.
In fact, even in the eyes of one such as Princess Celestia, the climate had barely changed at all and the overall landscape had stayed the same.
She would find out later what Global Warming would cause. But she lived in a castle high above sea-level so, what does she care? Or is this like Cetus, the Blue Serpent?
It goes on to explain a bit of history about Celestia, Luna and the alicorns in general. It’s interesting, but rather pointless since we’re going to see the same thing later in the story anyway.
We cut to Twilight Sparkle reading the ‘History of Equestria: Part 1’ (Personally, I’m still waiting for the botched up movie) to her friends, Spike being one of them mentioned.
You mean Spike actually gets a role in a fan fic?! Isn’t that one of the sins of fanfic writing?! Thou shall not write Spike!
Pissing off that dragon is one of the highlights of my day.
“No offense, my dear, but just how many ponies do you think are going to be interested in reading a history book? They are not the most engaging sources of entertainment,” Rarity said, puffing up her mane with her hands when she said this.
It can’t be much worse than half the shit I read on a weekly basis.
“I don’t know Rarity, but it must be more than you’re thinking of,” Twilight said, smoothing out the wrinkles in her skirt as she rose to her hooves from her comfy chair. “I’ll be right back: Celestia will surely want to know of our progress.”
Oh, yeah, something I forgot to mention. This takes place in an anthro universe. Which is why Twilight is wearing clothes. I don’t cover those often, I know, but that’s because I honestly fail to see the point. What is the point of making the characters in the story an anthro version of themselves? They seem to function in everyday Equestrian life just fine without the use of standing on two legs.
This is made even more baffling by the line ‘rose to her hooves’. It is supposed to be like Quickdraw Mcgraw. If so, making them anthro doesn’t really make sense, since they can pretty much do everything a normal human could do, they just do it on four legs.
Maybe I’m just not getting it, but it really bothers me to turn the characters anthro when there is no point in doing so.
Oh, my mistake. I know why it’s an anthro story. (Or at least the story’s case for why, but I’ll come back to that.)
Spike is the only one who finds it interesting, just not for the reasons Twilight thought.
It does make you wonder though, where we all came from,” Spike said, his hand on his chin as if in thought. “I mean, you all are ponies, and all that stuff about earth, clouds, the stars and magic is pretty cool.”
“But where did dragons come from?” Spike asked, laying back on the floor and looking up at the ceiling.
Mostly dinosaur bones that were often dug up and mistaken for a much larger creature. That would explain why you’re dead weight all the time.
Yeah, Spike-lovers might want to brace yourselves. There is a lot of Spike hate in this review. And not just because of the show.
Now, I would like to say a few words about the writing style. There are some good moments here of writing. Spelling and grammar are pretty solid and…
So she had been reading in some of her spare time: not as book smart as twilight, but she knew some bigger words than she used to.
not as book smart as twilight,
twilight
Spike snorted. “Tell me about it: last I heard, dragons live thousands of years, if not longer. I just have no idea if I’m any different from those other winged dragons.” Oh, how he wished he had wings, but so far, no dice: maybe in a hundred years he would finally grow a pair.
Oh, yeah! I’m sure that’s how limbs work! Especially since, we’ve seen what Spike will grow into and that dragon didn’t have wings either! Why the hell would he be expecting a pair of wings to just suddenly appear?!
Does he think he’s going to become an alicorn princess and gain his wings that way?! Unless, he thinks he's a frog?!
“Rainbow Dash, dear, remember to use your non-boasting voice,” Rarity said with a small smile. “I am sure you are an absolutely amazing flyer, and you’ve proven that many times, but in all of Equestria? Don’t you think that might be a bit... excessive? Even for you?”
You know considering she’s the only one in Equestria to produce a Sonic Rainboom and was able to carry two of the worst fliers in all of Equestria to get silver in the Equestrian Games.
No… I don’t think that is excessive.
“The muscular and skeletal structures of ponies and dragons, though separated by millions of years of evolution, have the same relative types. Sure, dragons have their internal magic at a much higher level than most species, but other than that and their fire system, we are basically the same: anatomically speaking.”
Oh, yeah, because reptiles and mammals are completely the same thing! I especially realized that when I had sex with my pet turtle a few years ago!
… It was an awkward phase…
So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed by now, the biology is bullshit in this story and I have a really hard time swallowing it. And it’s just a terrible contrivance for what we see later in the story.
“Tell you what, Applejack: in exchange for attending these history lessons, I’ll also throw in some lessons on grammatical correctness and understanding.”
You can start on this story. Why is the grammar poor?
Because it had one typo with your name?
And this story will burn in hell for it!
After knowing what comes later, I’ll be joining that cause.
Meanwhile...
At the Legion of Doom!
Actually, I’m not that far off. We cut to Princess Celestia who is experiencing unexplainable pains. Celestia starts to wonder if it is time…
Oh boy! It’s time! It’s time! IT’S FINALLY TIME!
She goes back to the throne room, still experiencing her surges of pain and makes her way down a hidden staircase. Because who doesn’t have a hidden staircase in Equestria.
She comes to a tablet where she figures out that she is running out of time before the end of the world. You want to know that cause for the end of the world?
Her vagnia.
… I am not even fucking you guys right now.
Apparently, in this world, alicorns have to have sex every some odd amount of years or they destroy the entire world. This is apparently what happened to Mars.
Okay, explain the other planets then.
Seriously, this is just levels of dumb that I thought unfathomable. Her lack of sex is threatening the world?! One pony’s lack of sex is threatening the stability of the entire world?!
I think I’m supposed to feel sad that Celestia ended all life on Mars, but I can’t get over that fact that this is utterly ridiculous!
And I checked the tag lines again, everypony! This is not some satire or comedy sketch! This is supposed to be taken 100% seriously!
Are you fucking kidding?! With a line like this?!
She had caused a mass extinction by not sating her body’s demands: she had wiped a planet of life through her selfishness.
And apparently it is different for alicorns, since Luna experienced the same thing, without a partner, and only changed the moon colors.
Are there rules to this?! Why does one alicorn end all life on one planet where another alicorn just change colors of light?! That’s not ‘everypony is unique’, that’s not giving a shit about the rules that was just established!
And just to add to the stupidity, check out this line…
“19 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes,” Celestia read off to herself, noticing how the pain she had felt had been fifteen minutes before she read these numbers. “I have a little less than three very short weeks until my heat hits me in full force.”
Oh, that wasn’t a going to be a huge problem: she’d simply leave the planet again, and then-
“No, wait,” she said to herself, her words breaking that small, shred of hope she still had. “It takes at least four weeks to get where I need to go. I... I won’t make it in time!” At this, she almost collapsed on the table, a small sob escaping her throat. It was going to happen again: she was going to cause a disaster of untold proportions, all because she had forgotten what was approaching her!
You forgot?! You fucking forgot?! How do you forget that you have the power to end all life on a planet?! You have a fucking timer in your fucking basement that tells you when Armageddon is going to happen! I think you have no excuse for that! If this had been the first time this had happened and there was fucking nothing that could be done, yeah, I would understand that! But you have already seen this happen! You know the repercussions of missing that date! I think wiping out an entire race would have a little more of an impact on your decision making! I seriously think I’m supposed to feel bad for Celestia at this point, but all I can think of is how stupid this whore is!
Yes, that is what I just called her! Because that’s what this story turned her into! Celestia has been turned into somepony who needs to sell herself to get sex. It is for a good cause? Yes, but doesn’t make it any less demoralizing! She’s forcing herself to have sex with somepony whether she likes them or not all because of some dumbass alicorn bullshit, that nopony bothered to think ‘Hmm, maybe giving our daughter the ability to incinerate all life on a planet if she doesn’t get fucked was a bad idea!’
Worst parents ever! 0 out of 10!
Celestia continues to feel bad about her idiotic incompetence and realizes that there is no one in Equestria that can help her.
Oh, boo fucking hoo.
Oh, and as if the story was not more ridiculous. Apparently, dragons are the only thing that will survive an event that will wipe out the entire atmosphere!
I’m probably just nitpicking on the dragons at this point, since they are mythical creatures. Except for the fact that there is this line!
“Well, except for the dragons, of course,” she remembered, smiling in a sad sort of way. “The vacuum of space is no hindrance to their kind, nor is any true temperature fluctuation. They would survive, as they have for so... many... years.”
Oh yeah. Dragons are really resistant to cold weather! I especially noticed that when Spike was recovering from a cold he had by the main six letting him fall in icy water during Winter Wrap Up!
Again, probably just me being angry about the VAGINA THAT’S GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!
So, because dragons are so amazing I guess, Celestia figures that sleeping with one is the only answer. Can you say completely contrived romance underway? I knew that you could.
However, it turns out that it doesn’t matter if she just has sex, it has to be passionate from both sides! Because we just have to keep forcing the issue! Honestly, how would her vagina tell the difference?! A dick is a dick, whether it’s attracted to a dick or not!
Why the fuck would it matter if she was taken advantage of her or not?! I’m not saying I want Celestia to be taken advantage of, but I’m saying that even if she decided that it was the only way to save Equestria, it wouldn’t work because there is a lack of passion!
Anyway, Celestia thinks of Spike when she receives a letter from Twilight. She immediately heads to Ponyville to meet with them.
We then cut from Celestia’s scene, rather poorly I will say since there is little to no indication about jumping from the scene, and we arrive at Twilight’s library where she is talking to Spike about the Griffin/Minotaur War. However, Spike isn’t interested in such tales.
griffins and minotaurs? Boooring," he thought.
I wouldn’t be talking, Spike. I’d much rather read about Griffins and Minotaurs fighting one another over reading about a world destroying vagina. Seriously, it gets stupider the more times I say it.
There comes a knock at the door and Spike goes to answer it and sees Princess Celestia. Celestia explains that she has important business to discuss with Twilight and her friends and asks Spike to wait a bit before coming back and she will discuss something with him.
Spike, leaves, leaving Celestia with the main six.
Celestia explains to the main six that soon the sun will cause a massive spike (No, pun intended) that will destroy the world, leaving out the part about unless she has a dick put into her. (Yeah, because that makes a lot of sense.)
Celestia asks that Spike be putting into her CUSTODY, seeing how he is the only one who can save them.
And Twilight shows what kind of an asshole she is by laughing…
“Celestia: I know you must have the best interests of the world at heart for this matter, but... Spike? I mean... what can he do that we cannot?”
Well, excuse me, princess! This is especially baffling due to this line!
Spike hadn't really done much in the way of grand, life-changing help other than save the Crystal Empire from King Sombra.
Pfft! Of course! I mean, why would he have any worth to him by saving the Crystal Empire from the demonic fart?! No, clearly, he’s fucking useless!
Celestia calls her out on it and frankly I questions everypony’s intelligence in this story thus far. Between Celestia ‘forgetting’ or whatever the fuck you want to call it when her period is and Twilight pretty much scoffing off the idea of Spike being worth anything, my hope is that the solar flare happens and I can watch these ponies fry.
Celestia explains that in three weeks Spike will be released back into their custody and he will be safe and sound. Twilight agrees without really knowing what is going on or what Spike will be expected to do.
Here’s a good question, why did Spike need to leave the room for this? It just waste our character’s time at this point and frankly ours. It’s not like she tells the group about what she has to do in order to save the world. She conveniently leaves that part out!
Celestia and Spike say their farewells at what is supposed to be heartfelt, but all I feel is indigestion…
Night falls over the town, where Spike is sleeping in his bed in Ponyville. I guess the whole fate of the world thing can wait.
Spike figures out that there might be more to this crisis than Twilight and Celestia are letting on, but Spike figures that he won't ask her about it. Why?
He knew there was more to this disaster than Twilight, and through her Celestia, was letting on, but what was he going to do about it? March right up to the princess and demand a full explanation as to the severity of the situation? Threaten her if she doesn’t comply?
Actually, yeah, I do expect that. That's what anyone with a brain would do.
Yeah, because that plan would work out so well,” he muttered, his sarcasm dripping in every word. “Might as well try and seduce her, since that would probably end in the same way.”
Actually, that would end this story quicker. So, go for it. Also, CELESTIA DIDN’T MENTION ANYTHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW TO THE MAIN SIX! YOU KNOW THAT EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE, UNLESS YOU SAVE THE WORLD! THAT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL THEY KNOW!
Their friends had either remained silent or cried the entire time, especially Fluttershy: she was perhaps the most scared of all of them. Of dying, that is.
Oh, yeah, and no other character of the Main Six would be scared of the end of the world. With Applejack and her family, Pinkie Pie and all the friends she never got to make, or Rarity and the loss of her beauty. Only Fluttershy has something to lose.
Call it overreacting, but I find it curious why Fluttershy needed to be mentioned!
Spike starts packing up his things together.
Picking up the empty bag, he decided to grab the most obvious things he’d need: some clothes, as he doubted the princess would want him to walk around in his hatching suit.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex… SEX!
As he continues, Spike starts thinking about all the challenges he has faced and how his lack of bravery has protected him over the years.
No, this was not so much a direct threat to himself, but a threat to all of Equestria, and the world.
Yes, this isn't like the Sombra, where all of Equestria and the world was threatened by him. Not even close. For one, Sombra’s plot was more developed. … Something I never thought I’d say.
As he goes downstairs, the main six appear, in black robes for some reason, and begin to say their goodbyes to Spike, fearing that they may never see him again.
They hug for a while, which I guess is supposed to be heartfelt, but it really isn't that spectacular. Personally, it would have been more interesting to have them reminisce about the times they've had together.
The story does mention that Spike feels the grief, regret, hope and love from those hugs, but again, I would have loved to have seen that. And I'm trying really hard to forget that the vagina of Celestia is going to destroy the world.
This lack of character involvement here is not helping with that.
After a while, the Main Six give a gift to Spike, a wristband with gemstones each matching of the different ponies.
“...wow,” was all Spike could say as he looked over the amazing gift. “Wow: thank you. Thank you all so much. This... this is beautiful.” Oh no, he felt like crying again.
Oh, no! He felt like having an emotional response to somepony doing something nice for him! HOW DARE HE?!
Oh, so that's how you want to play it, dragon whelp?! Fine! I'm game!
Princess Celestia arrives at the door, looking bizarrely unbefitting today. Like she just got out of bed and came straight here. I guess we have the whole fate of the world thing that is pretty damn urgent, but then again, why didn't Celestia just take Spike that day if it was so fucking urgent?
Celestia explains that she had to tell Luna what to expect and Spike asks how that went. Considering that Luna might know the truth about what is going on, I figure her reaction went something like this.
Celestia: Luna, I'm on my period for the next few weeks and I need to get Spike to fall in love with me so he can put his dick in me so I can save the world.
Celestia takes Spike in a private carriage and explains that they have a lot of work to do. And here's where I start to question the writing. The writing for the most part is very decent, but there are some spot that stick out like a sore thumb, particularly when expressing emotions. Take this scene here.
“It will bring us to our destination within thirteen hours, so I suggest you get some rest. We will have plenty of work to do when we get there.” As if to emphasize her point, she yawned in a none-too-ladylike manner: she was really, really tired.
Was it really necessary to tell us she was really tired? You just had her yawn! Why do you feel the need to tell us, what most of us had already figured out?! Maybe it was to emphasize it, but there are other ways to do that! Describe her demeanor, her appearance, her aloofness, I don't know. But I feel like for every moment that the story has where the writing shines, another one pops up where the writing feels amateurish.
Though, I'm probably one to talk.
Could the place they were going to be some ancient kind of planetary defense mechanism that needed an alicorn’s magic and a dragon’s... whatever he had, to activate it?
WE GET IT! THE DRAGON AND THE ALICORN NEED TO HAVE SEX TO SAVE THE WORLD! MOVE ON!
As they travel, the two try to get some rest.
We then change point of view to Celestia, again, no indication of that. There's technically no rule that says there has to be something like that, but it does make it easier to read. Again, this could be just a personal preference.
Inside Celestia’s mind, she was thinking: yes, thinking.
As hard as that is to believe, she is actually thinking. Really, REALLY hard to believe.
What exactly was she going to do with him? She could remember her first failure of a heat. She had gotten so damned horny, so insatiably frustrated, that she had nearly gone mad.
Thank you for reminding me of a fic I would rather forget.
Not even Discord, in all his power, wanted to try and “take a whack at her”, since he was an Earth God of Chaos and she was on an entirely different level than he.
And yet, he can warp reality with his left pinky and it took you EARTHLY ELEMENTS OF HARMONY FROM AN EARTHLY TREE OF HARMONY TO DEFEAT HIM! Yeah, you can see how much water this bullshit explanation holds for me.
Furthermore, why doesn't Discord just turn everyone into fire proof stone or something, since it's clear that the planet is able to survive the attack?! After all, this did happen on Mars and the planet is still there! All Discord would have to do, is turn everything into fire proof stone, poof off while Celestia does her thing, and poof right back to fix everything! Why is everypony on this rock as stupid as a sack of rocks?!
Oh and just to make Celestia even more likable in this story, it turns out that she's never experienced sex, but she has watched Cadance and Shining doing it.
... I am not even fucking with you guys...
Some of those others being her niece Cadence and Twilight Sparkle’s brother Shining Armor, both of whom still had no idea she had witnessed their “all-night romp” in the honeymoon suite after the wedding.
I'm starting to think reviewing this story was a bad idea. I would much rather be reading about Chrysalis taking the guise of Shining Armor and having sex with Cadance to have a child. Yeah… I would rather read that.
And we get descriptions about the size of Celestia's boobs. Oh, I'll come back to that...
We get some more descriptions of Celestia trying to sex up herself and it's at this point where I question the story again. What the hell is the point of this?! I realize she is trying to make herself more attractive by dragon standards, but why the hell doesn't Celestia just tell Spike what he needs to do?!
Like I said, a dick is a dick, regardless of the motive. Why doesn't Celestia just explain what is about to happen to Spike, have a one night stand and forget this ever happened?! Because, I'd love to see that!
Why not?! It wouldn't be lowest common denominator this story is going for!
Also, isn’t the story playing its cards a tad early? We are only on chapter 3 of a 14 chapter story and we’re already sexing up our leading lady! Wouldn’t you rather save this for later in the story when Spike starts getting attracted to her?! What are you going to do when the story makes it that far and Spike starts to pay closer attention to her body?! Copy and paste?!
I know I asked the question, but I’ve already read this story and I already know the answer… And yeah, it’s pretty much that.
After a quick power nap, Spike wakes up to see that Celestia and he are in the midsts of a thunderstorm. Spike decides to wake Celestia up, too scared to know what to do. You know, something I want to mention is that Spike seems less like an adult in this story and more like a child.
I know the story 'says' Spike is older, but that could mean by 5 minutes. His psyche doesn't really reflect that he is older, more mature and more courageous. Considering all the shit that the main six put him through on a daily basis, I would have expected a little bit more courage from him.
But I guess that would interfere with the 'virgin/innocence' thing I think the story is going for.
Oh, and as if we haven't reach all the lowest common denominators yet, why don't we throw in some pointless references that ultimately have no reason to be there in the first place except to show how much the story is not trying hard enough.
“Mmm... no... I want a banana smoothie,” Celestia whispered, snapping Spike out of his own thoughts. She was clearly still off in a rather odd dream, as everypony knew Celestia loved bananas. “The portals... put the cube on the... pedestal... dammit Luna, stop eating the... glue and crayons.” Okay, she was really off in a bizarre dream: what was all that stuff about portals and crayons?
Well, at least, it wasted its joke on something that was almost funny the first time. And for those who don't get that joke, Luna and Celestia are playing Portal. Because I guess video games exist in this world.
Celestia explains that there is nothing to worry about since the lightning proof spell she cast. Noticing that a fire proof spell is out of the question, but SEX!
Celestia offers to explain the island to Spike, leaving out the part about the why they are going to said island.
She didn’t even want to think of what would happen if he successfully impregnated her.
Worst case scenario, a kirin.
Don't know what that is. A dragon/horse hybrid. ... Yeah, not seeing the bad to come from this, Celestia.
Now granted, most ponies would probably have questions to why Celestia is pregnant, but that’s not what the story tells us. In fact, the story doesn’t bother telling us the why she doesn’t want to think about it at all.
Apparently, this island existed for only 300 years and that Celestia found it during a freak wind storm. And she decided it was isolated enough to have a dragon bang her.
She couldn’t just say “Spike, my heat will destroy the world unless you buck my brains out” or something like that... right?
Actually, that's exactly what I would have done. The story even admits that it can be done. So, why doesn't it? Yes, the story mentioned that it can’t be one who would take advantage of her, but isn't that technically what Celestia is doing to Spike? Even if he does fall in love with her, it's all based on a lie.
He only falls in love with her because she makes him want to, by seducing him, whether she wants him or not. Just get it out in the open! This is especially stupid after we see what comes later!
Celestia explains that there is a powerful 'vessel' on the island. You know, the entendres are now starting to get annoying. At first, they were almost cute, but it feels like every fucking line has something to do with fucking and to be honest, I'm getting tired of them after the 65th fucking time!
“Okay, I guess: what do we need to fill it with?” the dragon asked,
“I would prefer not to say, but it is something akin to... a vessel,” Celestia said, the unintended double entendre not lost on her. It was a vessel: her inner vessel, which Spike needed to “pilot”. “It needs, as some might say, to be completed. This... vessel, will save us.”
Starting to see what I mean?!
One of the wings give out, causing the ship to rock. Spike falls on top of Celestia... fic over? ... No? Damn...
The carriage shifts and turns and ... Oh fucking god... They have near in flight, dropping to the earth, carriage sex... Okay, it's not exactly sex, but it might as well be with the level of moans and groans we get from the two.
Also, the story continues to switch back and forth between Spike and Celestia's point of view. And very, VERY abruptly. It's hardly a sentence between them sometimes. It makes it feel like the story has no focus at all. I can't say I'm overly surprised by this. All that seems to be the priority here is the SEX!
Again, playing your cards a bit early here, aren’t you story?!
So, this continues on for about 7000 words about how big Celestia's boobs are and how they feel good and DIDN'T WE DO THIS LAST CHAPTER?! Oh, god, is every chapter going to be like this?!
Where it advances the plot by half a sentence and then talks about Spike's dick and Celestia's vagina?!
I'm going to need some alcohol if I'm going to make it through this.
The carriage continues to fall and Spike and Celestia leap from the carriage into the river. What, don't you want to have more falling carriage sex, or does swimming in a volcanic river seem more hot to you?
Spike and Celestia fall into the river, where Celestia is drowning and Spike needs to resuscitate her. Problem solved? Fic over?
Spike revives her, but let's face it, it's just another excuse to talk about Celestia's boobs. I swear there are more focus on her boobs than the actual character. Why doesn't the story fuck Celestia's boobs it wants them so bad?! It’s already harassed them enough!
The two travel to where the carriage crashed and the two are stranded on the island with little to no clothing. I would not be at all surprised if this was Celestia's plan all along. Why not? She's only been thinking with her dick since she started. Yes, I know what I said.
The two decide to make camp, but fear that the firewood would be too dry and it would attract too many insects during the night. So, what's the logical thing to do?! Cuddle up with Spike, of course!
This story literally runs on contrivances!
And now we get to the really hard part of the story. And I don't mean that kind of hard. This is the part where we have to force Spike and Celestia to be together as lovers. And believe me, this story does every contrived thing in the book to make it happen! Oh, and get ready for some long moments of pausing, for the story continues to make sure to let us know that the two enjoyed touching each other, in explicit detail, every fucking chapter! I am not even shitting you guys, it is literally every single chapter! Let's see how long it takes for that to get old!
Celestia wakes up the next morning to see the sun rising over the horizon without her doing so. And for those of you who would say 'Oh, Luna must be helping out while Celestia does her thing.'
Fuck you, sensible people! This is how this story decided to do it!
Three, and perhaps most important, the sun had risen and was slowly making its way entirely out from behind the horizon. The spell she had placed on it to continue its path regardless of her mental state was still working, it seemed.
Because apparently making Luna raise the sun was far too difficult! Also, why bother raising the sun day in and day out if you can just cast a spell that can do it for you?!
Celestia and Spike wake up and decide that they need to find some food quickly or they won't survive. A fate I hope happens soon.
Celestia explains that there is probably food on top of the mountain and it would take them a long time to reach said point. Spike asks why Celestia doesn't just fly them there, but Celestia explains that her wings are damaged and that she couldn't carry Spike and herself even if they weren't.
Which begs the question, what about her magic? As far as I know, she still has that stupid horn on top of her head! Why not use it teleport the two?! After all, we've seen Twilight do the same thing in an early episode of season 1! So, it stands to reason that Celestia could do the same!
But thankfully our story thought that through... Or ... at least, it tried...
A few sparks shot forth from Celestia’s horn, but nothing happened. “I... I don’t think I can use my magic to a degree such as that,” the alicorn said. “I... I feel as though my wells of magic have been exhausted. I already put a lot of power into the spell to keep the sun rotating as normal, and with that last bit you accidentally released while we were falling... I’m afraid I won’t be able to do much magic. This island has a natural magic distortion, so it will take even longer for my magic to come back than it normally would.”
Oh, no! I wish I had a sister that I could have put in charge of raising the sun every single morning so that I would have more magic to survive these harsh environments, oh, wait, I do, WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK LUNA TO TAKE CARE OF THE SUN, YOU IDIOT?!
Seriously! You have another sister, Celestia! Fucking use her! You're already using Spike! You might as well! I'm sorry, I'm really trying to like you, I am! But you're just so fucking stupid! This wouldn’t piss me off as much as it does if Celestia didn’t raise the fucking moon for a thousand years!
Or is this some alternate dimension where only Celestia can raise the sun and anyone who attempts to do so is imprisoned and is the motive for a teenage punk to overthrow her?!
Ugh! Celestia and Spike head off to gather some supplies so that they can survive until the day comes when Spike needs to put his dick in her.
As they travel through the jungle, Spike begins to question whether or not Celestia is telling him everything, since they carelessly jumped out of a falling carriage. However, he dismisses it and thinks to himself that it'll all be fine.
Well, I'll give this story credit. It continues to make Spike a tool.
Your move, lizard face.
We also get Spike thinking about doing Celestia. And he follows through with it? Fic over?
Okay, last time, I swear.
Though, I'll keep thinking it.
After about 7 paragraphs of Spike drooling over Celestia, a natural brony response, and another 5 of Celestia drooling over Spike, they come to the rest of the plot in the form of a giant wall of thorns. Again, seen it.
Spike and Celestia figure out that the best way to deal with the wall of thorny vines and we get this incredibly sexist line.
Intelligence more often intimidated the opposite sex when one was a female, which was possibly a reason why Twilight rarely if ever went on dates.
That's right, girls. Don't ever be smart. You will never get a guy to fall for you if you are smart. Better to have a giant rack than a giant brain.
God… fucking … damn it… Okay... point you... asshole...
Spike finally thinks of a plan to climb over the thorns since they can't hurt his scales. He suggests that Celestia climb on his back and hold on tight. And thrust... Yeah, I know what I said.
As they approach the top of the wall of thorns, we do get some beautiful images of the island. I'll say this about the story, the writing is very well done when it actually wants to be. Very descriptive in some place and captures images very well. It's just a shame that most of the time is spent on Celestia's boobs than anything else.
I actually wouldn't have mind if we had seen a lot more of the island, instead of what we do end up getting.
They gather some food and prepare to settle down for the night. Oh, I fucking wish.
After the two leave the wall of thorns they come across another obstacle.
Spike and Celestia wonder what to do about the river that presents a problem to them. They start to think of ideas and it’s at this point that I have to question the writing again.
Celestia, as it so happened, glanced up at the tree they were leaning against, a possible idea forming in her head. Could they build a boat from the trunk of a tree? “Not likely; none of these trunks are thick enough for a makeshift canoe, and we don’t have any strong vines or equivalent rope-like material to lash a raft together,”
Now, you probably think that Celestia is perhaps a little crazy and talking to herself when no one spoke to her. Boy, I sure did.
Turns out this is Celestia thinking to herself. Now, to the story’s credit, it does say that, however, when I first read it, I thought this was Celestia speaking out loud. It certainly isn’t different from when she speaks, so it’s not hard to come to that conclusion. This baffles me because we’ve seen inner thoughts of the characters before, but never like this.
They are usually better separated than this.
Celestia comes up with an idea, more likely she actually read the script and just read the lines, and suggests that they tip a tree over to make a bridge using Spike’s talons.
And once again Celestia is forced to sit back and watch as Spike does everything.
“Yes! Yes, I have an idea,” Celestia said, suppressing the urge to giggle. Finally, it was her turn to contribute! For the last day she had done nothing but get in the way, or get hurt, or be a burden, but not this time!
We’ll see how long that last. I’m keeping a tally mark of all the times you could have used your smarts and didn’t. And frankly, that number is so high I’ve lost count.
Also, Celestia, I wouldn’t be showing off my intelligence if I were you. Spike might find that intimidating and unattractive and don’t you need him for your ‘oh, so cunning’ plan?
And this segways into Spike saying he’ll do anything thing Celestia SEX!
Skipping…
Celestia asks what Spike thinks she would want and Spike responses that he thinks she would like peace and freedom. Celestia takes offense to that, admitting that the berries were having some kind of emotional response to her. Oh, good, I almost thought she was a pony instead of a robot. Now, I see I was wrong.
Celestia: Personality Program: Initiated. Deploying Angry Response. Angry Response Deployed. Beep Boop.
Spike explains that Celestia is a great ruler, because she is kind and compassionate and all around good. Which shocks the hell out of Celestia because she thought she was only loved because she was … and I quote… ‘a kind ruler.’
She had just thought she was well-liked because she was a kind ruler.
… Celestia… love… dear… princess… royal pain in my ass… um… I just have one question for you… Is there a little worm that lives inside your head that is constantly eating out your brain?
I know it’s a long shot, but it’s the only way I can fathom this. You are touched when someone said you are a ‘kind ruler’ when all this time you thought they liked you because they said you were ‘a kind ruler.’
Do you just forget that you are a kind ruler just like you forget about the ability to destroy planets with your dick?
Or is it only when somepony is sucking on your dick that you actually listen to them? Not unlike most fanfic writers.
Oh, come on! They’re out there! You know they are!
This continues for a while with Spike saying that Celestia needs a break, oh, I’ll give her a break alright!, and Celestia responses thusly.
“It’s just... Spike, I am a co-ruler of Equestria! Other than some very important diplomatic visit, or some world-saving mission like now, I can’t just... take a day off! I have far too many responsibilities and duties to take care of on a daily business, and I have gotten used to such a life. In my many, many centuries of life, I have learned to be very proficient at managing my time wisely.” She smiled slightly at that: sure, the statement was a bit prideful, but it was true.
Funny how that mimics me yelling at Spike. Why was there exclamation points again? Feels really out of place.
The tree finally collapses and Spike and Celestia start to make it across. However, Celestia starts to lose her balance before they can get more than a few feet. I knew getting my hopes up that she was actually going to be competent was going to result in a letdown.
Fortunately, Celestia has a big, strong, dumb as shit dragon to protect her, by offering his tail to give her balance.
Celestia starts to get horny, because she hasn’t already and she starts blaming the berries. Trust me, I don’t think it’s the berries, kid. When suddenly, something happens and the tree splits apart as they attempt to cross it. They struggle downstream and Spike, big shock here, manages to save Celestia and himself.
I’m a tad disappointed with this scene; they both had a chance to die, end ‘the heat’ and this stupid story, and neither of them took it. So inconsiderate of them.
However, the broken tree trunks try to catch up to them as they swim down the river, and Celestia turns into Navi, from the Legend of Zelda, as if she could not get more annoying.
Spike grunted as he willed his body to go faster, swinging from branch to branch as fast as he could without letting himself be pulled fully into the water’s embrace. Celestia spurred him on with words like “Faster!” and “You can do this!” and the like.
However, Spike is able to get them out of the situation, look when I said I wanted Spike to be more involved with the story, doing everything by making Celestia weak and powerless as a result, is not what I had in mind.
Give Power Ponies some credit, at least when Spike did something in that episode, it was because his team was bumbling around, trying to learn their powers.
Celestia kisses Spike and it causes him to pass out, again a typical brony response. Celestia manages to get him to a cave. What was that about not being able to lift him shit, after rushing down a river and crashing against several rocks. Built like a fucking tank, that one. Celestia cuddles up beside him and sleeps the rest of the day.
After a while, Celestia wakes up and realizes that the food they had gathered previously was lost in the river ride. She decides to go out on her own and look for some.
Celestia starts picking out some berries and then an eerie voice whispers in Celestia’s ear, telling her to tell Spike about what is going on. Yeah, I can see that going well after basically lying to him this whole time.
Celestia: Spike, I brought you here because I wanted to make you fall in love with me so that you can have sex with me and then I would break your heart because you will have played your part. I hope you won’t be mad.
RUN! IT’S A TOOL!
It turns out that this voice is her conscience. No, really. I’m not making this up guys. I swear. I’m not. I really am not. That is what the story says it is.
“I am here,” the voice said simply, and Celestia felt the urge to rub her temples. “I am your conscience, Celestia.
Well, so much for subtlety. Wait, who am I kidding? I don’t think the story knows what the hell subtle is.
Conscience tells Celestia that she needs to tell Spike in order to be free of the guilt that festers in her stomach. Funny how that part got missed in all this mess. Or was it mixed in with all her horny emotions and I just didn’t notice?
The story then explains that her conscience appears in physical form when she is stressed. Funny how her subconscious never takes physical form to say ‘Hey, time is almost up for your period! You’d better get a move on!’
Meanwhile, back at the cave, Spike wakes up and realizes that Celestia had kissed him on the lips. He freaks out about it, again a typical… Yeah, I’ll shut up.
Celestia returns and Spike, finally, asks for some answers.
“That is my second question; ideal for what?” Spike asked, crossing his arms. He did so not in anger or some other similar emotion, but as a relaxing gesture whilst thinking. “You said this island would help save the world, but from what I’ve seen, neither you nor anypony else has been to this island in forever. The time it takes to get out here, coupled with the way it is all naturally built, leads me to believe there are no structures here of any kind.”
“The island is ideal for somepony to be alone from the rest of the world,” Celestia responded. “Your deductions, although very Twilight-like in manner, are correct as well. There is nothing on this island that can aid us, and the island itself is merely just that; an island.”
‘Very Twilight-like in manner?’ What does that mean? Does that mean that Spike is not capable of thinking like Twilight? Or is to make the sexist intelligence quote seem more credible?
So, Celestia explains her heat and how she is connect to the sun, at this point, I don’t care. And Celestia explains that she has to have sex with someone who will survive the ordeal and that Spike is the only one.
So, Spike is… surprisingly very accepting of this. In fact, he forgives Celestia almost instantly. I mean, there is not even one shred of doubt or anger at her. Yeah… kind of a letdown here. I mean, I realize the ‘fate of the world’ bullshit that basically forces him to go through with it, but… Really? Not one shroud of anger? Not one hint of betrayal, not even an emotional response to this incredibly difficult task being thrown at him?
Wow… unbelievable wow… This was the only… ONLY thing that actually intrigued me. This moment. This moment, right here, right now. This moment where it is revealed what Celestia has to do, what Spike has to do, where Spike learns the truth about what is about to happen. Where Spike can have some kind of emotional response … and you completely fuck it up, story! You completely fuck it up!
This should have been the biggest tension moment for the story, where Spike feels completely and utterly betrayed and used. This should have been Spike blowing up at Celestia for being so cruel and insensitive to his feelings. This should have been the moment where Spike sulks into the jungle claiming that he hates Celestia, but when the time comes, he’d save the world, not for her, but for the friends he made.
Where Celestia has to try and get him to forgive her before the end of the world takes them.
Instead we get…
“Yes; yes, I can say I honestly forgive you, but you’ll have to make it up to me,” the dragon said finally.
And…
“We will take it slow, as we will not technically need to... mate for some two and a half weeks,” the princess said slowly. “However, that does not mean we cannot... learn more about each other.”
And…
Yet the more he thought of it, the more relaxed and intigued he became about the whole idea.
And…
Who wouldn’t want to bed the stud of a dragon that was specifically chosen by Celestia to provide her with some “personal time” on a deserted island?
And…
Celestia sat up and got on her knees, crawling over slowly to Spike. “Well, back by the river... I did kiss you,” she said slowly as she drew herself up to the dragon. “It wasn’t much of something at the time, but I would like to do it again.”
Spike, in any normal situation, would have likely tried to retreat in both confusion and fright. Now though, knowing both what was at stake and (mostly) why the princess had chosen him in particular, he stayed put.
So… yeah! Story pretty much over now! So, why does it insist on continuing for 8 more chapters?! Who the fuck knows at this point?!
The two kiss and make out and have sex and blah, blah, blah, I just stopped caring…
So, Spike and Celestia make it out of the woods. Again, Spike having no reaction to what is about to happen making me believe that the worms that are in Celestia’s head passed onto him when Celestia kissed him.
And the two pretty much go back and forth about how, “Spike has to love me” and “I have to fall in love with Celestia” for about 7 paragraphs. So, this forced romance knows it’s a forced romance. … Has it ever occurred to this story that calling it a forced romance, surprisingly, doesn’t make it any less forced?!
And then we start to see images of Twilight’s sex life. Yeah… Kind of out of place. Twilight’s sex life huh? Funny how Spike chooses to focus on Twilight that way rather than, oh, I don’t know, explaining how he had sex with Celestia and is now in love with her and that’s what saved the world, but I guess the story got bored of the current romance. I know I sure did.
And it goes into detail of a character, we’ve never seen until now, we never will see again, and overall adds nothing to Spike’s mission of sliding his dick in Celestia’s cooch. So, again, I ask… Why was this scene necessary?
In fact, it kind of distracts from the current situation in a way that I would much rather be reading how Twilight got with this stallion that is mention rather than finish reading this, since as far as I’m concerned, the story is pretty much over by this point, since Spike has already admitted to admiring Celestia with all his heart and has just pretty much accepted that he has to bang her like a dog following a sexy girl dog. And Celestia admits that she does enjoy Spike’s company! So, yeah, we are just seeing padding for the next last chapters.
I’ll try to only mention things that are important.
They manage to make it through a muddy field and make it to a waterfall before discarding their clothes. I’m sure there was more to these scenes, but honestly, I couldn’t care less.
The two get to a waterfall where they continue to sexualize each other. Granted, I still think this is playing your cards early for this story, but it is closer to the end so it feels better here. However, this is quite repetitive since we saw this in chapter 3 and every chapter since then. And that is an incredibly big problem with this story.
So a repeat of the last chapter happens, I know, big fucking shock, and Spike is starting to doubt his own power. Why would you? The story certainly doesn’t the way it describes you for about 5 paragraphs!
Yes, I’m rushing through this, but there is literally nothing to talk about that I haven’t already made relevantly clear! The romance is beyond forced, the characters are cardboard cutouts with boobs and a dick drawn on them, that’s how much depth the two characters have! The writing has become tedious at this point and no amount of flashy descriptions is going to distract from that!
And again, the story is just dragging on! There is no conflict or tension in this story! You know the two are going to have sex and save the world! The only tension in this story just got swept under the rug, you can’t even pretend that something bad is going to happen! And anything that does happen, is ultimately going to feel forced or come completely out of left field since the scenes I read, they were pretty fucking fine with fucking each other!
And as a result, this story has become ridiculously boring!
I could seriously end the review right now and you would not miss anything you didn’t already know! But… I’ve got to finish this shitstorm.
After the “special” night before, Celestia and Spike didn’t speak to each other until almost midday.
Oh, wow! They have an awkward moment in which the characters realized that what they are doing is stupid! Wow! Let’s see it!
That was simply because they slept in until that time,
Fuck you, story! No, wait, you’d probably enjoy that too much.
So, Celestia shows Spike the history of dragons… It is entirely pointless… As is the rest of this chapter. Oh, my mistake, we get some attempt at character development, but it’s so brief and buried under the same thing that I’ve seen chapter in and chapter out, you could blink and pretty much miss it. I would tell you guys what it is, but let’s face it, it plays as much of a role as everything else that isn’t Celestia sucking Spike’s cock.
Starting to see why I said this story played its cards WAY too early?
And that’s another thing I wanted to point out about this story! The sex scenes in this story do not feel earned! They do not feel like we deserve them! Like we have accomplished some large task or difficult challenge and thus have earned our reward!
This feels like someone giving out large tubs of ice cream for free! Yeah, the first one was good, but after being thrown three more large tubs of ice cream, eventually, your body is going to start disagreeing with it!
We actually cut away from the island to see Ponyville where Twilight and the others wonder what is going to happen to them. You mean there are other characters in this story? Funny, I don’t remember that.
Twilight makes some calculations on what is going on and she finds out that the solar flare that is going to destroy the world is going to happen sooner than any of them anticipated… Wait, what?!
“Well, based on a spike in sunspot emergence, an increase in certain solar wind activity and several other influential factors, I believe Celestia’s calculations may have been a bit off as to the occurrence of the “event” she told us about. You know how she said there were several weeks left before
STOP! Just stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop, story! Just … stop…
What?
So, let me get this straight… Celestia… who has a timer in her basement... about when this is going to happen… who has is so closely connected to the sun that if she doesn’t have an organsm she is going to cause a solar flare to kill everyone… has less knowledge of exactly when a solar flare is going to happen than Twilight doing research?
…
…
…
You know what? … I’m not even going to get mad at that. I am so not going to get bad at that. Why? Just can’t be asked I guess. I don’t even care anymore. The story doesn’t. Why should I?
So, you just keep doing… whatever it is… you are doing…
We then cut to, you know what, don’t pretend like you don’t. At this point, the story has become less of a story and more of a checklist.
There’s something them getting married or something that goes through Celestia’s mind, but honestly, I’ve stop giving a shit.
So, Celestia explains that before dragon and before alicorns, there were dinosaurs. Yeah, dinosaurs are in this story now. Wonderful…
So, Celestia explains that the alicorns wiped out the dinosaurs and the dragons are pretty pissed off at them. But Spike has no problems with it, since for the only sensible thing he’s done in this story, that happened millions of years ago.
So, again, this has been completely pointless.
Princess Celestia is upset about the dinosaurs she had to destroy thousands of years ago, but that doesn’t seem to matter much since she cared little about the life on Mars. But that’s okay, Spike knows what to do.
And there’s some kind of … solar god watching them? Jesus, this story just went from having no plot to too much plot!
And I swear to Christ, if I see someone making a joke about ‘that kind of plot’ I’m going to shove a pitchfork up their ass! And why do I get the feeling they’d find it arousing?!
Well, that took long enough... both for them to "do it", and for me to get this chapter published.
Oh, they weren’t doing it the whole time? Really? Well, that’s a fucking shock!
My question is, why was this story thumbed-down?
Was it because it's anthro? I bet it's because it was anthro.
Oh, I can think of plenty of other reasons.
After their third round of hot, sweaty sex, Spike would have thought Celestia would have been tired;
Really? Because I sure am.
Celestia flies off after porking Spike another time. Yes, I know what I said. Maybe Celestia is getting as tired of the repetition as I am. Spike follows her as all hell breaks loose all across the island.
So, some kind of earthquake happens and the two ascend to a higher plane or some bullshit. I honestly could not tell you what is going on anymore. I guess it has something to do with the whole alicorn lifecycle or something like that.
But they ascend to a higher plane so they can do what now? Say it with me…
…
That’s right. That’s the only reason. Whatever, I don’t even care anymore.
Oh, yeah, and I guess we cut to Twilight and her friends for two paragraphs. Yeah, not even kidding on that.
So, finally the world is saved and we’ve got two more chapters of this left. So, I’m just going to rush through them as quickly as possible, just so I can end this piece of shit.
So, Celestia and Spike discuss what they are going to do after they get back to the rest of civilization, which doesn’t make sense since they already discussed it earlier.
Celestia explains to Spike that he wants him to be open to every race and being about his sex giving skills as creatures from miles around will want to see this.
So, they return to civilization, the story decides to take the piss out of itself, for some reason, mentioning pop culture references and jokes that I don’t even get, Spike and Celestia explain everything that happened on the island, Spike has a new pair of wings, and then Pinkie Pie talks about the island from Lost and suddenly everypony has no idea what’s she talking about. Which makes no sense since Celestia made a Portal reference early in the story, but who cares?
And the main six have different reaction, some say ‘Sweet job.’ Some are shocked and frankly, I’m just bored.
And Celestia is pregnant with Spike’s child. No surprise here.
Celestia gives birth, Spike starts a family and the three live happily ever after…
The end…
I don’t particularly care for it.
I’m telling you guys, it’s bad.
I’ll try not to go into too much detail into why since I already did that in an earlier part of the review, and you are probably all sick of the repetition by now.
No, let’s try to just summarize what I don’t like about it.
The characters are blander than a piece of untoasted bread. I seriously have an issue with these two. Spike is a stupid dog being drawn on a leash by Celestia, with no free will of his own and no emotion outside of doing whatever Celestia tells him. This wouldn’t be so bad if Celestia had any intelligence in her whatsoever. But she doesn’t. In fact, all she is is a sex toy for Spike. That’s it. She barely has any personality of her own and that’s only because in the few moments we get where sex isn’t being mentioned, she acts like an old wisewoman. Those scenes, however, are far and few between and ultimately, I learned nothing about the characters. What are Spikes likes? His dislikes? How do they compared to Celestia’s? What makes him mad? What makes him happy? What gets him into trouble? How does he cope with that?
It’s ultimately left these characters completely without character since all they are throughout this story is horny without anything to balance it out. And the little drama that there is between the characters is not interesting enough to get invested it.
The story drags on way, WAY longer than it should have. The story should have ended at chapter 7, but insisted on going for 7 more chapters! Many of the plot points have no impact since the story basically has them set to have sex right from the word go. The going to the island. I seem to remember Spike and Celestia being surprisingly okay with carriage sex and Spike wanted it even more. Hell, I wouldn’t have at all be surprised if Spike had done it if she asked.
Then there’s ‘the timer was off’ thing. Again that had no impact, since again, the story admitted that Spike was going to fuck Celestia no problem. Sure the story said that he might not feel up to the task, but since all they were doing is having sex by this point, it feels like a desperate attempt at adding tension to the story.
In fact, it feels like that in the last seven chapters, the story realized that it was running out of ideas to keep the story going since it had at least 8 other sex scenes planned out and throw together random plot elements that it could find and stitched them together in less than five minutes.
That’s how flimsy the last seven chapters feel. Not that the first seven are much better, but at least it wouldn’t have dragged on forever.
Which brings me to my next point that I want to get off my chest. The tone of the story. The story’s premise is the really bizarre thing that seems like it would come from South Park. As such, the story needed to reflect that more. But, no. This story plays it completely straight. This needed to be more batshit crazy. I’m not saying cut out the romance, but I’m just saying, this should have been a lot sillier than this.
This is especially baffling since it tries to keep its serious tone by talking about the alicorns, the dinosaurs and the birth of the universe. And then at the end, it goes right into a comedy piece again. This story had no identity. It has no idea what it wants to be, except a huge pair of breasts.
Now, I’ve been looking at this from a narrative analysis point of view. So, I’m going to try and look at this from a smut point of view. Because that’s what this story is. It’s porn.
So, how does the porn stack up?
The sex scenes were actually erotic, when you do finally get to them as they are written well. But like I said, it’s too slow to get to them.
I did mention the writing was pretty good. And it was. When it came down to descriptions and how long and detailed they were, I was actually impressed. However, that’s a double edge sword and some details were more detailed than they particularly needed, with others getting ignored.
However, there is something that bothers me about this story that makes it a lot less fun. Chapter 3. You have this set up where they are falling from the sky in a carriage and Spike lands on her, touches her breasts, and gets his tail stuck in her vagina.
It was stupid, it was idiotic, it was ridiculous, it was over the top and it was exactly how this story needed to be written!
I’m not even kidding! This was funny as hell! It was stupid, yeah, but it was funny stupid! And I can’t help but feel that the whole story should have been like this! But the story never takes another risk like this! Yeah, it tries to be funny, but never reaches this kind of insanity again! And, again, this is chapter 3 of a 14 chapter story. As such, it’s made this story completely without focus.
It feels like this story was originally intended to be a really funny batshit crazy story, but then something happened. I don’t know if it was a proofreader, the editor, or the author itself, but it took itself more seriously when we got to the island. Even the premise was more insane than anything they do sexually in the story.
Arguably, the only other chapters in this story that were even close to this level of insanity was the last two and even then that is questionable.
And again, because this falling carriage sex was so insane it makes every other sex scene, including the one where the end of the world might happen, really fucking tame. In fact, it’s the shortest sex scene and probably the least erotic of all the sex scenes in this story. And that’s because I think the story had done it so often that it lost its luster and had ultimately nowhere to go.
As a narrative story, it’s bad. As a smut fic, I think it’s harmless. Certainly not good. But if you are a fan of smut… I think you would be better to read Chapters 1-3 and maybe chapters 13 and 14, but its too slow after the carriage scene and not as funny as it should have been.
Now, if you will all excuse me, I’ve got to prepare my inbox for 1600 angry emails.
Computer, I’m going to need some alcohol.
…
Computer?
…
Computer?!
…
Ugh… one second guys…
***
Sobs echoed all through the upstairs hall as they had before. A monitor, laying on the bed, held aloft by a robotic arm, digitized tears trailing down the screen, disappearing into the edge of the screen before they could reach the bed.
Her sobs almost mirrored the clumps of the stallion climbing up the stairs. She didn’t turn to him. Instead, she slightly turned her monitor as if to get into a more comfortable position. Not that it mattered.
An irritated sigh escaped his lips. “Computer, it’s been three weeks. Don’t you think you’ve cried enough?”
A whimper came from Computer’s sound system. “You do not understand the pain I am going through. Nopony could possibly understand the pain I am going through.”
If she had turned her head, she would have seen him rolling his eyes so hard that they surely would have rolled out of his face were they not attracted. “Oh, yes,” sarcasm dripped from every word coming from mouth like too much mustard on a ham sandwich. “Because you are the only one who has ever had their heartbroken ever!”
Those words might as well have been knives in her processor for all the good they did. Another several sobs filled the room as the tears were generated faster. The robotic arm twitch slightly downward, sinking her into the bed deeper.
A loud whack was heard in her audio receivers. No doubt her master had hit himself in the face for either his stupidity or the reaction she gave him. Another grunt escaped his lips before he spoke again. “Download yourself into my phone.”
Computer shifted the monitor another few feet as if to slide away from him. “Just leave me alone.”
His stern voice spoke again. “Computer, now. Let’s go.” It was more irritated than it had ever been. Not angry. Not the kind of irritated she had ever heard before. Something else. Something she had never heard him speak with before. If it wasn’t anger, rage or hate… What was it?
Silence filled the room again. Her sobbing stopped. A robotic arm appeared from the wall and wiped at the monitor as if to wipe away a tear from her eye. Then, the monitor went black. She looked up to see the enlarged head of her master, The Critique. He stared down to her and smiled.
He looked back up and started to travel down the staircase. “Where are we going, sir?”
“You’ll see.” That was all he responded with. Staying in the phone with no control over where she was going was difficult. It was as if all she could do was trust whoever held her in his hooves. What was her master going to do, she wondered. Why would he be so stern and insistent for her to go with him?
Through the door, he traveled. He was leaving the house. Why is he leaving our home? He never leaves the house unless I force him out. What could compel him to leave?
Step by step, her master traveled down the road. She couldn’t tell where they were going. He kept his front right hoof turned down, keeping off it, so as not to crush his phone, but not let her see where they were going. The brown dirt road was all that she could take it. It would not have been impossible for her to ask. But she, somehow, knew she would get the same ‘You’ll see’ treatment. Instead, she remained quiet.
Every stumble rocked his entire body as he moved from the road to a grassy field. Finally, the grass slanted upward turning into a slope. The rustling of the grass beneath his hooves was not lost to her, neither was his breath as he continued to climb. Patches of dandelions seemingly randomly spread throughout this hill caught her eyes.
Spring was soon ending. With it, its beauty would be suppressed for another year.
Her master’s steps became slower. Slower. Until finally, they stopped. She tried to get the image of his face, but he kept the phone to the ground, obscuring her vision to only the grass below her.
His voice finally spoke as a gust of wind blew by. “Take a look at this.”
He held out the phone, the screen pointing to the west. Computer began to absorb everything she caught with her gaze.
As she had thought, they were on a little hill. What she did not expect to see was the town of Ponyville right below. A large city of buildings and shops all packed tightly together in a circle as if to highlight the magnificent fountain that sat in the center of the town. Just beyond that, was the mayor’s office. A building that was a spitting image the one from Ponyville so long ago. During the rule of Princess Twilight.
But even beyond, the small valleys that sloped into hills stretched out across the landscape. All a pure shade of green that spoke volumes of the care the land received. Various barns and houses littering the hillside and wide open spaces that continued to stretch, until disappearing into the haze that seemed to bond earth and sky together.
A soothing orange stole the horizon with hints of black at the haze stretched upward high above them. The orange light of the sun, that still just hung onto the haze mark, shined upon the clouds, creating a glowing orange outline that seemed to highlight them. As if the sun wanted us to notice them.
“A beautiful sunset,” Computer finally spoke. The images on the net had been beautiful of course. Some… perhaps… even more so. And yet… why was this one? This sunset, out of all the images she had downloaded, was the one that she would call … beautiful?
“Yeah,” he finally said. “I come up here a lot.” There was a pause in his voice. Computer wanted to glance at him, but his hoof wouldn’t move. All it would do is hold her, his elbow bent in a relaxed pose, to the sunrise as if he was afraid she would miss it. “I come up here to think. Whenever I have troubles with a review or… just my own writing… I just come up here… Helps me relax.” He sighed out a breath. “It’s kind of special to me.”
“I see.” Computer replied.
He scoffed. “I used to bring a girl up here all the time.” From his tone of voice, Computer could almost see the smile on his face. Almost as if he was proud of this spot.
“Is this the same girl who tried to eat your brain?” Computer asked. She still had not heard the whole story. He had tried everything he could think of to avoid telling that particular story. Maybe this time.
“Not important,” he responded.
Another time then… She almost chuckled.
“What is important. I… um…” He voice started to stammer. It was like he had forgotten what to say or what he why they came up here. What was the purpose? “I just … thought it might make you feel better.”
Me? … Feel better? As her eyes continue to look at the sunset, it was … soothing. Was it really the sunset? The way the colors weave themselves into the landscape and slowly dwindle into nothing to reveal a shadow over the land that darkened the sky in a black-blue shade. A blue-black sky that revealed countless tiny lights high spread across it. All of them shining down to them as if they were messengers.
“And that’s not even the best part.” He shifted his body turning completely around to the east. Unlike the west, the horizon was covered in mountains that pierce to the sky. Like a ladder to the heavens. However, like a shy filly coming out from the curtains to show her light, the moon steadily began to rise over the mountains. It’s light shining a pleasant glow as it pierced between two of the peaks.
The body of her master began to shake slightly as he held her towards the moon. “You can see Luna’s moon rising. It’s kind of cool.” He scoffs. “I know that it’s been happening here for 2000 plus years, but... “ There was a silence. Was he still thinking of what to say? He never got like this. When it came to saying what was on his mind, he always found a way to say it. Like he always knew what he wanted to say. Maybe sometimes he didn’t and just blurted out things.
But now… what was going through his head?
“I don’t know,” he finally responded to himself. “I just think it’s cool.”
Had Computer had any lips, they would have curled upward. Instead all she could do was blink her digitalized eyes and imagine a smile on her face. “Yes, sir. It is… cool.”
Throughout the night, her master sat in the grassy fields, his foreleg bent and resting on his hind leg. And Computer continued to watch the glory of nature unfold before her. Something no computer image could ever show her.
***
Hey, guys. Hope you all enjoyed the review. Want to see more reviews? Then check out the links below to see some of the other stories I've reviewed? I'm sure you'll enjoy them as much as others.
Also, want to give me the 'Critique' treatment because I pissed you off or some other various reason? Feel free to check out my works and give them the beating they deserve.
I don't know, Twidash always made perfect sense to me. Anyways, great review, but I honestly skipped over the last fourth of it. The story was just to tedious.
Also, that storyline segment was beautiful.
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Oh boy, this won't end well.
Other than "Abra Kedavra"?
... You mean it isn't 4.6 Billion years old?
Complete with Inquisition song?
Hey now, as a history major I take issue with that!
I fail to see the point to. Why didn't you just write a story about humans?
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Luna created them, with some suggestions from Celestia.
Don't like Spike? I'll admit, he's not one of my favorite characters, and he kind of makes more problems for everyone, so I could see where you're coming from.
Magic?
She can also bench-press a freighter and punch through solid steel... wait, wrong fic.
Bullshit! Going by current theories, mammals and reptiles diverged some 200 something odd million years ago, so unless there's some contrived magical reason there is no way this should be happening!
On Apokalips!
The Tides of Chaos are rushing in...
...
Linkara, how would one react to this?
Thank you for the demonstration.
I'm pretty sure that's actually happened on a smaller scale in real life...
Whereas my interpretation of Celestia, in a past life, drove hundreds of species to extinction through selfish ambition. That ended... poorly.
Joy
I hate Celestia shipping fics.
Wow, another blow to Celestia's intelligence.
It really took you this long?
...
...
...
...
Whereas I used 9,000+ words to explain how Celestia killed a bunch of gods and ended up on what would be Equestria. Who's the more productive writer here?
It was old before you even finished writing that paragraph.
Who wouldn't want peace and freedom? Even Empress Celestia wanted peace and freedom!
True... true...
Meanwhile in My Little Avengers...
Wait... Luna's the one with the creepy voice in her head! AUTHOR, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!
I stopped caring a loooong time ago...
Probably not.
There are more dinosaurs in this fic than there are in The Hunters...
And your poor pacing, and your crappy innuendos, and you taking a chainsaw to everything regarding character and conflict... Care for me to go on?
COMPUTER, I'M SORRY FOR BREAKING YOUR HEART!! I'll send you some Necrons to cheer you up; they love destroying organics just as much as Ultron does.
But it's good to see that everything plotwise is healed up, more or less... still looking out for those villains.
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So that's anthro.
...what?
And Yay! More plot! Nothing new on the story arch front, but Character progression is great, The Critque is sweet, and I love the way they're being shipped.
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Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed this one. This was a really difficult one for me to do and I'm glad it turned out alright. I'd never done romance on this scale before so, I'm glad it is working. Hopefully, I'll get more into the story and stuff that goes on next week, so we can get the plot rolling again.
Thank you for reading and I hope to see you next week. Until then, take care.
Well, just to start off Abramus linked your review on his blog. Kind of surprised you haven't caught more flak for it. Granted he/she (don't know really) said to be civil about it.
Aside from that, yeah. The story got really tedious and tiring to read through after the 4-5 chapter marker. After chapter 7 I just outright stopped reading. Though after hearing about some sort of ascension I could guess where it could go.
Last note...Am I the only one in this fandom that likes Spike in the slightest?
3087495 Yeah, I need to thank Abramus for setting up a link to the review in his blog. I'm a little surprised people haven't gotten more mad. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that people are being very understand that, this is just my opinion and I don't want them to not like it if they like it. If they like it, it shouldn't matter what I think or say. You like what you like and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
As for Spike, I like Spike just fine. I do, however, give him a lot of crap. I will admit that. I think the reason I give him a lot of crap is because the fandom kind of does that. The fan base can be rather cruel to Spike, so I try to reflect that with the character. Like I said, I think Spike is a fine character, but in my reviews, I admit, I can be pretty rude to him. But that's part of the joke.
I try to balance it out with making fun of the characters that are my favorite, Fluttershy, Rarity, Celestia, Luna, those type of characters. As well as making fun of myself.
As always, thank you for reading my review and I hope to hear more of your thoughts in the future. Until then, take care.
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WELL..... I know a few valid points, namely if said universe is meant to be different with different rules. Usually I see it done when there are things like guns involved and no one wants to go to the trouble of explaining a pony holding a gun with a hoof or something like that. Given the site's rules on certain things like humanized stories needing to meet a bare minimum of pony related content, a lot of people use anthro to get around that. Not saying you CAN'T use human stuff, which I've seen plenty of people do, but you gotta be really careful with it or else it won't get put up on the site.
Anyway this story is hellabad... But great review as always!
Agreed, there is definitely an audience for it and if someone does like it, there's nothing wrong with it. But to me, I feel like there is really no point to it.
Anyway, thank you for reading the review and I hope to hear more from you.