Fanmail, Round 2 · 5:56am Apr 15th, 2015
Ah, fanmail. You're piling up on this desk almost as much as neglected noble complaints. Well, out of those two piles, Tia's willing to work on one of them.
Also, a notice to other readers that may have posted fanmail questions in the comments of the story so far. If you've done so, I ask that you repeat the question here, just to be sure I don't miss them. I keep track of questions asked only in these blog posts simply because it's easier to do so here than there.
With that out of the way, Tia, have at it.
Dear Chief Replacement,
I am writing this friendly letter in order to inform you of your imminent demis-
"Well, at least you have the courtesy to inform me through this friendly correspondence. Far less have sent me a greeting card before trying.
Anyway, given I still live, this "imminent demise" seems nonexistent. Have a good day, and good luck next time."
Dear Oh-So-Radiant Princess of Light, Warmth and Skin Cancer,
Have you happened to see any pink triangles? The ones with the eyes that follow you?
Sincerely, Jelly.
"Uh, no triangles. But Pinkie's eyes are always there. Heck, there they are now, watching, waiting.
I'll, uh, just close the curtains. I'd like to continue these without the REAL imminent threat staring at me."
What flavour is your mane?
"Oh, you wrote this on the back of the letter. Clever.
Toothpaste. Specifically the fresh, minty flavor. Not cinnamon."
Dear Dawnmother,
Why do you listen to the silver-tongue bureaucrats when you could have you're loyal followers do it for you? Surely Twilight is well adept at politics and loyal to you that she could take your place during the Day Court. Besides it would also train her in leadership.
"She isn't ready to handle the full session of day court. At all. She would throw half of them in the dungeon for wasting her time with the dumbest, non-friendship issues she could never have possibly imagined. It takes a very controlled and collected mind to deal with those fools, and Twilight doesn't have that mindset yet.
As for alternatives, there's just Luna. That's about all I have in Canterlot that's qualified to deal with that sort of madness."
Dear Princess Sunbutt:
What is your name?
What is your quest?
What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen alicorn?
"It's not Sunbutt. It's Celestia. The last one to call me that left the bar with black and bruised blue balls. You have been warned.
To slowly rid the world of as much idiocy as I can, starting with the nobles. It's taking longer than I thought, but I'm trying.
Depends. Born that way, or ascended?"
Dear Celly: is your sister lonely? Would you mind if I hang around her and cuddle her all the time and never leaving her?
"Lonely? No, not even close. Has plenty of friends. She's a big hit with the children these days.
For the second, do you want to know what it's like to cling to an Ursa Major while it sleeps? Do you want to find out?
If so, then feel free! Just remember to clean yourself up afterward. She's rough with her cuddling, and not in a cute way. You might lose some feeling in your extremities when she's done."
Dear Co-ruler of Equestria:
How you became ruler?
"TOM, we need to talk about the quality of some of these letters later. I mean it.
Anyway, this is a long story, but to try and keep it short, Luna and I stood up to a great evil, were asked to approach the EUP (pronounced Eeyup) Council, and after they assessed our merits and actions, they determined we might serve as proper heads of the land with power and understanding that would extend beyond their own.
So naturally they threw us in a law and politics school headed by Unicorns until we hated it. Then we were taught agriculture and proper land assessment by Earth ponies until we hated that, too. Pegasi taught us everything about clouds, including the unpleasant things those clouds carry sometimes. Double hate for the unscheduled 'rainy' days.
All the while, a castle was built, then we were crowned. Cue millenia of ruling over ponies that have established their moronic intents, guided by the Eeyup Council until we could make our own educated decisions without hoof-holding, and now you're pretty much up to speed. Most of the rest you know.
There's a few bits I didn't cover... well, a lot I didn't cover, but that would require a far larger explanation I don't have time for at the moment."
Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm hoping you can clear up some confusion concerning one Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. I've been led to believe she is your niece, which would imply that your sister, Princess Luna, is the mother. However, since Luna was (more or less) estranged during the time of Cadence's adolescence, and had been for centuries before, claiming Luna to be the mother is simply not possible. And since Cadence appears to age as normally as any non-alicorn, it stands to reason that she doesn't possess the immortality you and your sister seem to share.
If all this is true, then it means that Princess Cadenza was born only a few years before your student, Twilight Sparkle. It would also mean that Cadence, despite calling you her aunt, does not possess any actual family ties with you. This leads me to this question:
Is Cadence adopted?
"That wasn't obvious?
Okay, I suppose it wouldn't be, but she is adopted.
She doesn't know much of anything about her true parents, but she was raised by some Earth ponies before her ascension. She still thinks of them as family, by the way. Visits them once a month when she can, or invites them to the Empire if she can't make the trip.
I adopted her at the time since there was very little she knew about how to properly handle the ascension. It also helped that she was willing to learn from me in earnest, so that smoothed things over quite nicely.
Also, we still age. We're not immortal. It's just that the ascension process slows down our aging process as we near our prime years, keeping us at our best for far longer than the rest. That said, Twilight and Cadance will age at our rate, which will be normal at first, but slow down as things go on down the road.
Luna and I have passed our prime, however, and we ARE starting to show it. You don't see it because of powder makeup, but I have crow's feet. Luna's got one line under her eyes that she hides well, but that'll multiply later once the stress compounds over time. I give her another two centuries before she looks almost as old as me.
To those that wanted to cuddle with Luna earlier, be warned if you point out that wrinkle. Don't poke the Ursa."
Maybe try putting the fan letter parts in the quote mode:
would be easier to read, and differentiate when Celi is responding.
Can I get drinking night Celestia to answer this one? Sober Celestia would know better.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I've noticed some things about your Royal Guards.
For one thing, I don't think we've ever seen them win a fight, and I'm not just talking about the threats that can only be put down by the Rainbow Friendship Doom Laser.
Then the armor they wear seems to leave a lot of vital areas exposed.
Finally there's that chariot they pull you around in. I'm pretty sure we've seen you fly or teleport faster under your own power, and it's not like they can protect you while they're hitched to the thing. The part that really seems strange to me is that they kick their legs, while they're flying, even though their wings should be doing all the work.
Princess, did you use your countries military budget to hire a bunch of pretty boys, dress them up in revealing outfits, and make them shake their asses for you?
If so, respect.
"Why would I point out a wrinkle? I could care less if she had them or not. About the cuddling thing, I'm still not dissuaded, nor will I be.
Ps: that lonely thing was more or less meant like, non-public contact, being normal, and not having a Princess-like demiener (?) And just being herself, anyways, I'll see you at breakfast/dinner."
2986084
That's a bit of a pain to set up properly on mobile, since I do most of my work on there anyway. That, and I can't figure out how to go back and edit the post from mobile once it's done. Doesn't seem to give me the option once I navigate away from the edit screen.
Even so, I have a comp I use sometimes, so this is fixed. Thanks for pointing that out.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Could you please get Twilight Sparkle castle moved a mile or two outside town? Sooner or latter some villain will want to destroy that castle, and since is a magic castle, it seems most likely Ponyville will get burn to the ground first. Granted, that happens at least once every year, but magical decontamination would mean everypony in Ponyville will have to move somewhere else. This has nothing to do with tons of annoying fans knocking my, er Twilight Sparkle's castle door at any hour, asking for autographs, private magic lessons and at what time and day the guiding tours are, and so on. Not the fact Princess Twilight Sparkle is cranky when she doesn't get enough sleep.
Your dear subject, Twilight... uh Twilight Marbles, totally not Princess Twilight Sparkle.
PS: I am not really her, if I was, I would have used dragon mail, right?
No Spike, I am not replacing you! Is just that this totally isn't a letter for princess Celestia. Why are you looking at me like that? No I don't need... wait you said you will make me a hot cocoa cup with marshmallows and extra cocoa... that's very nice of you.
No, you cannot dragon mail Owlowiscious to Appleloosa, you know it doesn’t work like that!
Look, just get my cocoa ready and I will let you have an extra gem today, okay?
Yes, I love you too, now give me chocolate!
Dear.celestia i advise you to get rid of that mirror that links your world and that parrallel one befor i have to visit. I have a tendency to rip the space time continuum or however you spell that last word
Sincerely CAINUM.
Dear Momlestia,
Who is the most annoying guard?
Your Solar Majesty,
Was there truly no other way to deal with Nightmare Moon than to banish her for a thousand years? I have seen the event in a flashback, and it seemed to me that it was quite unnecessary, and far too immediate, to issue such a sentence. The history books and legends state that you "tried to reason with" Princess Luna, but what I have seen suggests otherwise. If the flashback I saw was correct, all you did was insist that she "must lower the moon" because it was her duty. That is not reasoning with her, that is treating her like a lesser-- the very thing she was trying to overcome-- and making demands. You did nothing to try and help Princess Luna, but instead turned almost immediately to the Elements of Harmony and banished her for a thousand years. A thousand years, Princess! More than long enough for her to be completely forgotten and her night to become truly feared and hated. Was it really necessary for her to be gone so long? Do you know what that can do to a pony?! Thank your lucky stars-- and the one who made them-- that Twilight and her friends were there when Princess Luna returned and had the brains and the guts to do what you couldn't and heal your sister's heart. Which brings me back to my original question: was there really no other way?
Your subject,
Shooting Star
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have a few questions that you may choose to answer or ignore at your pleasure.
1. What's it like not being able to sleep in without causing worldwide panic?
2. Whose job is it to wake you up every morning, and how often do they request a new assignment?
3. Have you ever considered hanging all the furniture in Luna's room upside-down from the ceiling?
4. How often do you decide a petty dispute between nobles with a coin flip?
5. Which donut type do you prefer: glazed or powdered?
5a. Fruit-flavored or creme filling?
6. Do you think the nobles are stupid enough to participate in a ritual of public humiliation if you tell them it's an old tradition from the distant past? I think you could talk them into putting on ridiculous costumes and being pieces in a pony chess game between you and Luna.
Sincerely,
The rookie guard who stands in front of the 3rd pillar on the left side of the throne room during the afternoon shift
2987377 I think this was answered in a previous letter. Something about the elements overdoing things to ridiculous levels.
Pretty sure Celestia said in it that she only wanted Luna to cool down for a week or so.
Edit: Might as well question ask while I'm here.
Dear Colorful and Regal Alicorn Pony,
Is there any real purpose the nobility serve? I can't imagine them doing enough work to justify their constant annoyances. Why not reshuffle the positions to more humble ponys? Or does the positions corrupt so fast it's not worth the effort?
Have you at least considered setting up unfortunate accidents to buy some relief?Sincerely,
Dwarven fort Anviltuft Overseer.
What? Cares for them too... Well I already wrote it down, I'm not getting another sheet. And yeah I got your dang boots mayor, they're by that lever over there. Yes the one in that room.
Alright then, now to get the early reelection forms in order...
2988845 Right, sorry.
Here's a better question:
Dear Princess Celestia,
What is your favorite food (other than cake, of course)?
Dear Princess Sunbutt:
Do you see ponies' daydreams like Luna does dreams had at night? If you do, are there any you'd like to share for whimsical reasons?
Dear Day Bringer,
How do you feel over the fact that in the near future, Luna could become everyone's favorite Pony? I would imagine that after her adorable Nightmaremoon appearance in Ponyville, she could already be Ponyville's #1 Princess. Do you have plans on how to curry the favor of the future populace away from Luna? Do you ever think that you could become the Tyrant Sun? Will we see a new chapter at the same Sun Time and same Sun Channel?
Wow, fanmail from Alucard. Impressive.
3599440 *Cue spittake* Holy hell, how did I not realize that?! I literately just finished watching that episode an hour ago!
3772318
No clue. But it's certainly a highlight for me. Not every day you get fanmail from a nigh unstoppable vampire who wants you dead but is polite enough/weird enough to send you a greeting card first.