Review of "My Friend Tenty" · 11:05pm Apr 11th, 2015
Greetings, author and dear readers, and welcome to another review. Today’s story was requested by Bad Dragon, the author of said piece, and as such, I shan’t hold my kicks in the slightest. Let us waste no more time and get right into things with ”My Friend Tenty”.
“My Friend Tenty” is a single-chapter story just shy of 3,000 words; it beareth the Adventure and Comedy tags and is rated for mature audiences only. Dear reader, if thou holdest any reservations concerning stories containing sexual content, then this is thy warning to jump ship.
This story centereth on the interactions between normal ponies and tentacle ponies. No, citizens, ye did not misread that, nor did I mistype it. Someone (mayhaps ‘twas the author, himself) hath invented an entirely new pony race in the form of tentacle ponies. If this disturbeth thee not, then mayhaps “My Friend Tenty”s cover art shall succeed in doing so instead.
I have not even read the long description, yet I already care not for this fic’s direction.
Accused of an attack on a pony village, Tentacle ponies send their representative to clear up the issue with Celestia. The ambassador, however, does not come alone, as Sweetie Belle finds out.
*Rated Mature for using the ‘R’ word in dialogue.
Please, oh please for love of all that is held sacred, let the “R” word be “raisins”.
There is naught to truly find fault with in the long description, so let us move on to the opening lines.
I plunged myself against the door of our clubhouse. It opened with a loud bang. I started yelling before I even hit the floor, “Tentacle ponies are coming!”
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom didn’t even turn their heads. They kept lying on the floor, facing each other, with their heads on the idea circle. Only their eyes turned toward me.
Out of curiosity, author, how would one plunge herself against a door? The word “plunge” hath the connotation of sending the sentence’s subject into something (often literally), as well as a sense of descent. Methinks thou wouldst do well to use a different verb.
Further, ‘twould be better to do a more thorough introduction of the characters. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom are just suddenly there. There is no narrative describing when Sweetie Belle (the narrator) layeth her eyes on them, just that she immediately is aware of their presence.
“Celestia ordered the Bearers of the Elements to spread the news. They’ve been informing everypony since morning.
This is not how Scootaloo would speak. Try to imagine saying this from her perspective. Would she call Twilight and her friends the “Bearers of the Elements”, or would she say something more informal, like, “Your sister and them”? None of these three ponies are the most eloquent of speakers, so the words “Bearers of the Elements” ringeth poorly in mine ears when they are thrown around so casually. Further, the second sentence would be something more along the lines of, “They’ve been going around telling everypony since morning.”
So Applebloom and Scootaloo explaineth to Sweetie Belle that there is but a single tentacle pony on the way, and ‘tis likely that she shan’t even pass through Ponyville at all on her way to Canterlot. The fillies discuss the attributes of tentacle ponies and express general disdain for them in a manner I truthfully found believable.
I further appreciate the use of narration in conjunction with dialogue in order to present a more complete picture of what actually happeneth as the fillies are speaking. The language is a bit simple and repetitive, an issue I shall address later, but satisfying overall.
However, one thing I do not care for here is the sense that I am supposed to already know about this new race of pony. ‘Tis understandable that everyone in the story knoweth of their existence, but I am not a native part of the story. Thou needest present this new information in a way that informeth me that ‘tis common knowledge in the story’s world without assuming that I am already familiar with it.
Anyway, we learn through the dialogue that a group of tentacle ponies hath been taken prisoner after a supposed attack on an earth pony village, thus providing the reason for which the ambassador traveleth to Canterlot. A bit more dialogue followeth that is not particularly important to the story itself, and Sweetie Belle taketh her leave.
As she trotteth home, her thoughts turn to self-pity, something else I think is fairly true to Sweetie Belle’s character. She often wisheth to be treated the same as one would treat an adult, and being kept out of the loop is just another way in which she feeleth slighted. Mayhaps the complaint itself is a bit too petty, but I can overlook that.
Sweetie Belle kicketh a rock into a bush and is surprised when someone concealed within kicketh it back out.
Hearing a stone rolling from behind me, I stopped in my tracks. As it hit the back of my forehoof, I looked down, recognizing it. It was the same stone I kicked!
I spun around, looking back. My body tensed as the thick branches moved. I wasn’t alone!
“It hurt!” said the bush with a burbling sound.
I wonder if ‘tis a tentacle pony.
As Sweetie Belle seeketh to apologize to the as-of-yet hidden stranger, tentacles come from out of the bush and grab hold of her. The tentacle pony revealeth itself (gasp! Dear reader, ‘twas indeed a tentacle pony! Will wonders never cease?) at last, and it declareth its name to be “Tenty”.
Yes, Tenty the Tentacle Pony; the most creative of names it is not.
I honestly have difficulty describing the following scene, wherein Sweetie and “Tenty” (I do so hate that name) interact. Much of the narrative is devoted to the tentacles, themselves, that wrap themselves around Sweetie in a manner that, quite frankly, sendeth chills down my spine. However, the conversation somehow manageth to be more disturbing still.
“Is your mom an ambassador?” I asked.
Her lips drew back, revealing sharp teeth. “The best of them!” She paused, pressing her eyebrows together. “At least with other races. She doesn’t have long enough tentacles for the home affairs.”
“What do tentacles have to do with it?”
“You see, she’s had a short tentacle defect since birth. Because of that, she couldn’t abuse much in life and rarely got her way by rape.”
Wherefore could not the R-word have been raisins? I ask thee, author, wherefore not raisins?
Yes, Tenty is daughter to the very ambassador that traveleth to Canterlot. Apparently she became lonely waiting for her mother’s return and decided to seek company on her own. The incident that caused the imprisonment of the tentacle ponies was a “misunderstanding”, although I hesitate to call it that—a misunderstanding that hingeth on differences in cultures.
And here is where I feel the most disdain for this story. I know not if ‘tis the author’s own invention or if ‘tis taken from some other story, but the tentacle pony society is nowhere near believable. I care not if there is precedent, as I find such a thing disgusting regardless. The act of rape holdeth some sort of positive value to the tentacle ponies. They use it as a negotiation tool, a punishment, even a form of discussion amongst themselves—the story is a bit vague in these regards, but it telleth enough to raise bile in my throat.
Author, here is the reason this disturbeth me so—rape is the act of sexually violating someone without their consent. If they did not want to be raped before the act, then what are the chances that their minds would be changed afterwards? Rape is often accompanied by threat of violence, which maketh it even more terrifying and traumatizing for the victim. That thou writest a society like this where everyone, including the victims, treat forced, non-consensual sex in such a casual manner indicateth to me that thou hast a flawed idea of what it truly is. Thou misrepresentest one of the most terrifying acts imaginable by trivializing the consequences.
I would here criticize Sweetie’s attitude upon being confronted by a being that treateth rape as an afternoon pleasantry, but such comments are unnecessary as the fic hath already destroyed any willing suspension of disbelief I once held. If people with world views such as Tenty’s truly do exist, then friendship is certainly not the first thing they require.
The story endeth on an odd note with a conclusion that faileth to wrap up a number of conflicts, such as the results of the ambassador’s trip to Canterlot or how Sweetie Belle escapes from Tenty. I cared not for the last line, which implieth that Tenty is preparing to violate Sweetie in an effort to resolve the differences in their viewpoints.
There are a few stretches for comedy in this fic, but I feel as though they fail to come through; likely, the reason is that I was too busy fighting my nausea to appreciate any attempts at humor. The adventure tag is simply inappropriate, as there is naught here that even resembleth an adventure. Methinks the Slice of Life tag would be much more fitting.
In the end, this story is not poorly written from a technical standpoint. Much of the narrative around the dialogue seemed short and choppy. I suggest better mixing lines with dialogue tags and lines without dialogue tags, as they seem to come in clumps. They ring repetitively in mine ears as they are.
This is all I have to say, I suppose. The beginning of the story hath decent characterizations, even if the dialogue fitteth not perfectly to each character. However, the second half leadeth down dark roads that disturb me and almost criminally misrepresent rape and the consequences thereof. I know not wherefore thou chose to write this fic, but frankly, I did not care for it at all after seeing thy vision for the entire tentacle pony society.
Fare thee well, author. I wish thee the best of luck with thy endeavors.
I'm sorry but this review seemed quite biased to me.
I got the feeling you really hate rapefics from this.
However, this was really funny though.
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Oh, for certain the majority of this review was from an almost entirely subjective viewpoint. I shan't attempt to hide my distaste for the subject matter, as then thou wouldst not receive my true and honest opinion. The reason I reviewed this story in particular is because the author requested it; otherwise, I would not have presumed to criticize a story that I knew from the get-go I would not enjoy.
Do keep in mind that I sought to provide the author with objective advice regarding his characterizations and prose. At the very least, even if he disagreeth with mine opinions, he shall reap some benefit from mine efforts.
2973813 I know, you made your points very clear on what could be improved.
Let me bring up a quote that can explain how I feel about rape in a story better than I ever could.
And this story has the gull to ask us to just accept a society where this is just dandy?!
I think you said it best in your review...
Call me a hater of rapefics, but... No, call me that. That's exactly what I am. I don't think it's funny, charming, enticing, or a good idea to talk about without really knowing what the hell you're talking about.
Anyway, I hope to see more from your reviews. Take care.
Thank you for this review. It was awesome. I even drew some guilty pleasure from it.
I will make several changes on account of the things you pointed out. Sometimes, I’m blind to my own errors, but when somepony points them out (like you did
), I can then target the mistakes and fix them.
I apologize for any discomfort this story may have caused you. I didn’t know that you don’t like rape.
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31.media.tumblr.com/e98a8337fe87dec776847bab1a6849e5/tumblr_inline_n09xgyouD11qjdjby.gif
Oh, this is gonna be good...
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It pleaseth me that thou hast derived some amount of benefit from the review.
Regarding the following comment:
Now, keep in mind that there is a difference between having a rape-fetish and having a simple like of rape itself.
My reaction to thy story is not necessarily on account of a dislike of rape; in fact, I think dislike of rape in general is a commonly held sentiment. 'Tis an act that nobody should ever wish upon another person. Considering the sensitive nature of the topic and the impact it hath in everyday life, I hold depictions of rape to far higher standards than I would most other things. It can be written well, but more often than not, 'tis a throwaway plot element meant either to elicit shock from the reader or tickle someone's libido, and the actual consequences are considered not. This is why I reacted so poorly to "My Friend Tenty", not because of a relatively simple dislike of rape.
Hmm.
I think you're a prude. (Compared to me at least.) Also, I think your adherence to Luna's one-time appearance old English grammar makes you much more sensitive to grammar in general than most people. The second would be fine for an editor, but neither of these traits are good for a reviewer.
For instance, you say that the fic is unrealistic because it bases a culture on rape, but I know you're speaking from ignorance because bonobos are pretty close to that. It might be arguable whether bonobos commit rape, or are so fueled on hormones that they're always desiring sex, but whether or not they commit rape doesn't change the fact that their species is known to have casual sex frequently. And even if it wasn't rape, they still could have come to call it that if they had to learn a language from a different species that called what they did 'rape'. You could argue that the fact that this misunderstanding wasn't shown in the fic was a flaw, but you didn't argue that.
On the grammar side, well, you wrote a whole paragraph about how he used the word 'plunge' incorrectly when it only required a brief mentioning. Even if you were planning on drawing it out for humor, you did that wrong, as it would have had to go on longer. And if it was an example of poor grammar throughout the whole fic, then there should have been something around your paragraph mentioning that fact. Instead, your decision to use too many words to explain every point makes the review incredibly boring. I think that if you never used old English grammar, your reviewing in general would be entirely passed over since better reviews are available. (Admittedly, you didn't point out too many grammar flaws here, but I've seen you editing some fics in the Looking for Editors group and doing nothing but suggesting style and grammar changes, which many readers wouldn't even notice on a subconscious level.)
This is a shame, because you could be calling attention to much more important things, like Scootaloo speaking abnormally, as a character that seems even a little off can break a story, possibly without the audience knowing why.
For an example of my last point, take the show MLP. In MLP, there are often animation errors that can break immersion if people are paying attention to them or looking for them. And it's rare that there are no animation errors per episode. It's unheard of for there to be no animation errors per season.
Why am I bringing up animation errors? Well, it's because they're similar to grammatical errors; errors that are part of the main point may bring the audience out of the plot, but they're easy to catch and fix, while errors in the background may often just make people laugh if they notice it.
Character errors, on the other hand, are things like Pinkie Pie's portrayal in many episodes where the plot doesn't center around her, such as her actions in Castle Mania. There, she's flanderized to the point of staring at the screen expectantly after a bad fourth-wall joke, catapulting Spike and not caring about his well-being, and banging her head for minutes against a bell that could make her deaf. This type of flanderization led people who were in the show for Pinkie's character to think the show was taking a turn for the worst, as their favorite element was getting worse. And on top of that, there are episodes like Mysterious Mare Do Well, where the characters are represented so implausibly that it becomes the generally accepted worst episode of the series. (Notice I didn't say Out Of Character, as Party of One could have been called out on portraying Pinkie out of character, since it gave her flaws that were never there before. No, I say implausible because their actions go against what logic and experience say are normal human interactions except in the most extreme cases. However, you have to be careful, because what you think of as plausible is often based on experience, and this can be flawed, such as you thinking bonobos aren't possible.)
Honestly, I think you do a disservice to authors by recommending they spend their time on work that would only improve their story in your eyes, and not the eyes of the general public.
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I suppose I shall take the time to respond to thee, seeing as thou hast expressed thy thoughts in such detail.
And hello to thee as well, oh anonymous rude person on the internet.
Ah, yes, because 'tis reasonable to juxtapose societies when one is comprised of a species with significantly less-developed minds. Despite their similarities to humanity, a bonobo's actions are still in comparison driven much more strongly by instinct than by reason. As such, to compare bonobo society to one made up of completely self-aware beings of comparable intelligence to humanity is misleading, if not outright deceptive.
The misuse of "plunge" is not a grammatical error. The sentence was entirely correct from a grammatical standpoint, but not from a comprehension standpoint. Such a mistake requireth a bit more explanation so that the author understandeth the angle from which I approach it, whereas if it were a grammatical issue, I would simply mark it as such and move on.
In fact, before thy post, the word "grammar" did not even appear anywhere on this page.
In regards to my presence in the Looking for Editors group, I am not quite certain of what thou speakest. I spent a scant few days there over a year ago, and if I recall correctly, all of my work was done in the authors' gdocs. Mayhaps thou mistakest me for someone else?
I did call attention to Scootaloo's uncharacteristic speech, as well as a number of other items that break immersion, such as Sweetie Belle's relative comfort in Tenty's presence. Honestly, didst thou even read the review?
And this statement is simply asinine. 'Tis not so much an observation as 'tis an accusation regarding my objectivity. Do I feel like smoothing out prose would improve a story for any reader rather than just myself? Aye, I believe so adamantly. The same is true in regards to believable character reactions and the depiction of the tentacle pony society. For certain, I allowed my disdain for throwaway rape-references to show through in this review, but the criticisms I provided are all objectively noted and well-reasoned.
A review written in a Shakespearean tongue about a story with implied "raisins." It is unique to say the least. But I wonder, how doth one go about writing in Shakespearean tongue? Doth thou utilize a trained automatic correction spell perchance? Or the more difficult manner and do alterations with thy hooves?
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Neither—I do not make alterations at all. 'Tis far simpler to just write the review in the proper dialect to begin with.
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Doth thou communicate in similar fashion in the flesh?