Review of "My Little Invader" · 6:25am Mar 4th, 2015
Greetings, dear readers and author of today’s story, My Little Invader, by SketchPad101. This review was performed on behest of Iron Turtle.
Before beginning, I would like to note a few things. Firstly, this fic was published over two years ago. This meaneth that the author hath likely improved in the meantime, and a number of my criticisms will be null (at least insofar as the author’s skill is concerned). Secondly, the author hath been absent from the website for two weeks, and I know not how invested in this website he is.
That being said, I shall review this story based on its merits alone. Author, thou mayest rest assured that I shall not go out of my way to debase thee or my fic. However, neither shall I pull my kicks—thou shalt receive the full brunt of mine opinion.
Very well—let us away! First, behold the long description:
Welp here it is! Something had to be done! And I'm the big enough bone-head to concock such a horrible story. So this Story is made just because I love the two series, and it just the right enough time to destroy both of their repution. Sorry the first chapter stays on Zim alot I just wanted get everything set for the Ponies for when they came in and to introduce Zim to the people who have never heard of him (if they haven't heard of them, why read this?)*shrugs*
So with that said Enjoy the Crossover!
Well, what have we here? Thou declarest the story to be a crossover, yet what two series is it a crossover of?
The first rule of crossovers (beyond the rules of writing any story) is thus: never assume that thy readers will be automatically aware of all involved universes. If thou makest this mistake, then thou cullest unknowledgeable readers from the group that shall read thy work. Thou hast included the crossover worlds at the beginning of chapter one, but by then, ‘tis far too late, as the reader hath already moved on to another fic.
I also suggest that thou regardest the long description as a way to describe the story’s plot, rather than ramble on about why thou hast decided to write it in the first place. Already I harbor doubts over whether or not this fic should have been written in the first place, simply because thou hast seen fit to defend thy decision.
Onward to chapter one.
In the land of Equestria peace is everywhere and the land lays still with quietness. But today, this isn't the case, because quietly up in the stars, Equestria has been selected to be part of the plan 'Operation Impending Doom 2'!
Well, where shall we begin? Mayhaps with the very first sentence. Author, thine opening line is duller than a diamond dog’s fashion sense. Not only that, but it also maketh no sense. “The land lays still with quietness”? So, thou meanest to say that, in all of Equestria, not even a single creature maketh noise? Methinks thou wouldst do better to revise this line.
"Is this the planet?" Says a tall Purple armored alien to his Red counter-part.
"Yes, this is planet!", says the Tallest Red ,"This is the planet we're going to give to...you know who" he says raising an eyebrow with a harsh tone in his voice. The invader in question is none other than Invader Zim!
Oh, dear, this fic hath bulled forward and left the narrative far, far behind. Thou beginst with Equestria, but one paragraph later, we find ourselves in outer space. ‘Tis imperative that thou allowest thy fic to flow from scene to scene in a natural manner. Instead of ripping the scene into space and unsettling the reader, mayhaps thou couldst simply have the scene starteth in space to begin with?
Thou hast also declined to provide any sort of narrative describing this place in which these aliens stand, let alone the aliens themselves. Thou namest them based upon their colors, and in a manner most inelegant. This paragraph also revealeth a disturbing misunderstanding on thy part regarding how capitalization worketh.
So, these two aliens (I assume ‘tis but two, as thou hast seen fit to keep the reader in the dark on this point, as well) plan and plot. Thou introducest Zim, an invader who hath bungled some important operation and been sent on a false invasion (?) of Earth, where he findeth himself in contest with a person named Dib. Now, the two aliens have decided to give him a new mission (Oh, I wonder if they plan to send him to Equestria!). I feel the need to repeat all of this because thy prose is so jumbled and incoherent that I had difficulty following it.
Moving on, thou leavest this scene (without so much as a scene break, might I add), to one wherein Zim fleeth his adversary.
Meanwhile on the planet Earth, Zim has been chased into his base by Dib. "FLITHY, EARTH, STINK MEAT! YOU WILL NOT ENTER THE FORTRESS OF ZIM!" Zim shouts locking the door behind him.
Behold a problem that mine eyes have seen all too often as of late—a lack of narrative for the sake of proceeding on to more interesting parts in the story. Author, thou needest to expand on the chase. “Panting heavily, Zim runneth across the lawn and into his home, slamming the door behind him and throwing the dead-bolt.” Canst thou see how much more interesting this is than “Meanwhile on the planet Earth, Zim has been chased into his house by Dib”? Avoid telling the reader these types of events in such a sterile manner.
Now I would like to address the dialogue typed in all capital letters. Author, ‘tis redundant, not to mention irritating. Thou hast already said that Zim shouteth this line, so why must thou typest it in capital letters? If thou canst not resist the urge to put visual emphasis on the dialogue, then at the very least use italics rather than capital letters. It getteth the same point across in a much more reasonable manner.
Dib soon walks away to point at Zim's Base like an Angry Monkey.
So, Dib hath not done so yet, but will do so soon?
Zim confirmeth with his computer that Dib hath left, when he receiveth a message from the aliens in the previous scene. They tell him to return for a new mission and entice him with something called “Impending Doom 2”.
"The planet is known as......Equestria." Red replied. Zim was not sure whether to reply in horror or in wonder.
Who could have expected this development? Oh wait, everyone did.
Anyway, Zim accepteth the mission, requesteth new equipment, and leaveth. Allow me to note a few sentences from the chapter’s end:
Tallest knew full well that they gave Gir to Zim as a joke, so they lied again! "Um....We would love to get you a new SIR Unit Zim..'' Purple anwsered, "But..uh....we're out". Zim looked disappointed,
"Alright my Tallest", Zim said. So Zim set out for Equestria in his trusty Voot Crusier into deep space.
Author, I pray thou wilt understand the point I am about to make: ’tis boring to be told that they lied! Dost thou think so lowly of thy readers that thou thinkest they cannot determine a lie when provided with the appropriate narrative? Behold:
““Uh, well, um—” The Tallest tugged at his collar as a bead of sweat ran down his forehead. “We, uh—we just ran out! Yeah, ran out!” He laughed weakly.”
I have hammed it up a bit, just to get my point across.
Secondly, thy very last sentence is another example of an event that requireth much, much more narrative. He simply getteth in his trusty Voot Cruiser and blasteth off, course set for somewhere? What doth the cruiser look like? How fast can it move? Where doth it blast off from? I cannot envision this because thou hast given me nothing to envision in the first place!
Moving on to chapter two.
Princess Celestia and her sister Luna looked up at the sky and felt a sudden change of vibe.
Oh dear me, not a sudden change of vibe! Why, if I knew what thou meanst, I might even feel the slightest trepidation! Needless to say, thou needest expound.
"Sister", Luna replied, "I've arranged the stars like you asked. Are you not pleased?"
Fie on thee—I arrange the stars however and whenever I please, and if anypony liketh it not, then they are free to try to change it themselves.
"It's not that", Celestia said, "They tell me something. They seem to tell me that a terror or some sort is on it's way."
Allow me to point out to thee how utterly contrived this dialogue is. How convenient that Celestia suddenly hath the power to read prophecies in the stars.
Both princesses looked up to the midnight sky, while they did not notice Zim's Voot Crusier crash into Equestria.
Was not Zim ordered to return to his base, whatever they called it?
Anyway, Twilight noticeth Zim’s ship, but confuseth it for a comet. Because a comet colliding with Equestria would causeth absolutely no damage whatsoever. The next morning, she museth over the “comet”, but is soon interrupted by Rainbow Dash crashing into something. ‘Tis a plot point far overused in this fandom, and one thou wouldst do well to avoid.
Rainbow suddenly jumped up with excitement. "TWILIGHT! YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT!" Rainbow exclaimed.
Twilight jumped back, "What?" Twilight asked.
"I found this shiny rock looking thing this morning!", Rainbow replied.
Oh, for Celestia’s s—this is not unbelieveable! Wherefore is a shiny rock unbelieveable?! What about a shiny rock would one findeth unbelieveable? Twilight examineth the rock and determineth that ‘tis not a rock, but instead steel, and for some reason, this disappointeth Rainbow. Because reasons. Give me reasons, please!
"Steel?" Rainbow said with much disappointment, "Then what's doing a mile away from Ponyville?", She said. Twilight didn't have an anwser. But she got an idea. "I got it! We'll ask Applejack! Maybe She has an anwser for this thing!" So the two ponies ran towards Sweet Apple Acres.
Wherefore would Applejack know this?! Wherefore hath Twilight determined Applejack to be the local expert on metal found in the wilderness? Again, because reasons! Reasons thou refusest to supply!
They find Applejack asleep under a tree, because Applejack is just that type of lazy pony. Of course.
"You mean....you didn't sell any metal recenetly?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Nope", Applejack repiled, "And besides I'm not the type of pony who'd be given' out metal", she said, "Why'd y'all think I know what this is?".
By my most beloved of hindquarters, in yon quoted passage is a phenomenon I have never run across in all my long years of living. Behold, author, for thou hast produced the first known case of a character having more sense than the person who wrote her.
Then our hoofed heroines soon stopped by the rest for their friends' homes as well as every single Ponyville vender that sold metal.
I have spoken with thee of this before, but here is the most egregious example yet. Thou hast packed a massive amount of narrative in a single, boring, sterile sentence. The pacing suffereth when thou hast a scene wherein the characters have dialogue and actions, followed by a scene which thou conveyest in a single sentence.
So, nopony knoweth whence this metal hath appeared, and oh by the way all the rest of their friends are here, even though thou hast not written of their arrivals. I would complain further, but I find my interest waning quickly and wish to at least get through the next chapter. The chapter endeth with a letter to Princess Celestia. On to chapter three.
After their crash landing, Zim and Gir began to set up their base.
Mine eyes begin to see red. I pray that this indicateth not an aneurysm. If the review halteth partway through, kindly call for an ambulance before I bleed to death.
After serval hours of building, their base was complete!
Huzzah! Should I care? I have seen literally none of the effort that went into it, so I think I should not care.
Zim acquireth a pony costume, despite not having seen what a pony even looketh like. Then Twilight Sparkle appeareth to ask this random citizen about a random piece of metal found randomly in the middle of the woods. The convenience of this coincidence stretcheth my willing suspense of disbelief beyond the breaking point.
Next, Zim snaggeth the metal from Twilight’s grasp and slammeth the door, after which Pinkie Pie bloweth his door off its hinges. The ponies are appropriately disturbed by the interior of his house, and Fluttershy is horrified at the state of his green dog. Very well, I can believe this part.
And then Twilight pulleth out the piece of metal to show to him—wait, what? Did she not already do this? Ah, yes, she did. Methinks thou needest to read through thy works before thou publishest them.
Rainbow Dash zoomed towards Zim, "You lying sack of Hay! I found that when I flying around Ponyville!"
Rainbow Dash’s dialogue is highly unbelievable. I doubt that she would ever call somepony a “lying sack of hay”.
The Mane 6 (all but Rainbow Dash) seemed to agree with Zim and went outside and apoligized once again.
Nay, I cannot continue. When an author seest fit to include the title “the mane six” in her narrative is when I call it a day.
Author, allow me to leave thee a few closing comments. Firstly, thou art in dire need of an editor or proofreader. Thy grammar and spelling is, to put it bluntly, atrocious. Reading through the chapters once or twice would aid thee in finding odd errors such as Twilight giving Zim the metal twice, but a pre-reader would make clear to thee all of the places where logic faileth and idiocy reigneth.
Secondly, thy narrative needeth expanding, and badly. When thou crammest a scene’s worth of material into a single sentence, thou canst be confident that there needeth be more description.
There are a number of other items to fix, but those are the most damning and the ones I suggest that thou takest care of first.
Now I away, for a cold drink and some medicine for a headache. Author, I wish for the best of luck in thine endeavors as a writer. Fare thee well.
Nice to see that Cheerilee image in the review. Maybe it's silly, but I'm always pleased when I see someone else post one of my captions...
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Thy work is seemingly everywhere. Luckily, 'tis of high quality.
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Very kind of you to say so!
But yeah, it's been a fandom activity of mine for a while...
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My thanks for thy link—I have appropriated a number of thine images for future use. I trust thou mindest not if I do so?
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No objection whatsoever! It's flattering, actually.
I died laughing on that last Luna pic.
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Thus, mine already impressive kill-count riseth higher.
Thanks for reviewing!
Well to be honest, I'm not really that good of a writer, so I'm sorry my illogical skills insult your eyes.
I'll try and fix things up as things progress. If and when I get around to it.
So thanks for taking as much as you could and I'll make it better for other readers.
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Thou hast no need to apologize; rather, I would prefer that thou considerest my criticisms and, if thou agreest, appliest them to thy current and future works. No author beginneth as a master of her craft, but instead must endure round after round of grueling critique until she improveth to a point she can be proud of.
On that note, thou hast taken my constructive feedback very well, something I appreciate greatly.
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Carry on, author, and I wish thee the best of luck.