Review of "A Haze In Equestria!!!!" · 8:17am Mar 4th, 2015

Greetings, dear readers and author. I bid thee welcome to this, my review of “A Haze In Equestria!!!!”, by SilverHaze. This review was requested by UnibrowSheepZ. Already I have a sense of foreboding—mayhaps ‘tis the four exclamation points in the title. Oh well.

Author, allow me to state that I am not here to debase thee or thy fic. The goal is to provide thee with constructive criticism so that thou mayest improve thyself as an author. However, neither will I hold back my criticism—thou shalt receive the full brunt of mine opinion, in all of its glory.

Now that I have that out of the way, let us proceed on to yon long description:

Silver Haze is just a normal alicorn from a forgoten kingdom far far away, aftr he found himself in equestria he must Go to ponyvile and help the main six save the world...because he is the 7th element!!!
Haze is just a normal alicorn from Alicornia, the kingdom of the sky far across the ocen, when something desttorys the kingdom he must go to equestria, more specificly ponyvile!!! There he finds that he is really the 7th element of harmony and he has to stop an evil being from destorying the world!!!
This is my first story I hope it is good this story came to me in a dream after watching MLP! Like and Fav!

Author, the first thing I would tell thee is that exclamation points should not come in triplicate. I would argue that they rarely belong in a long description if at all, but that is more a matter of style, so I shall let that slide.

Gird thy loins, for away we go to chapter one.

The story beginneth in the magical land of Alicornia, where friendship prevaileth, peace reigneth in abundance, ponies fart butterflies, and mine eyes have already begun to rot from the sweet fluffiness contained in this first paragraph.

Only one alicorn had ever been born to the island of Friendship, his name was Silver Haze. He had a dark, raven black coat that simmered in the glistening moonlight. his long silky crimson red mane that made every other alicorn jealous, it waved defiantly in the wind of Alicornia.

I am going to continue this review under the assumption that thou art not a troll. Author, thine alicorn OC hath all the makings of the Gariest Stu ever to grace the computer screens of readers everywhere. Let us move on and see if this goeth anywhere.

Haze was currently sitting in the Royal Banquet hall with his father (who wasn't really his dad because Alicorns just appear and are not born)

And here we have a random insertion of head-canon, because wherefore not?

"I would like to call a toast, to two-thousand years of peace!"

Foreshadowing?

"SIR WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY SOME WEIRD FOG!"
The king stood up and started shouting orders "EVERY ALICORN FIGHT BACK! DO NOT LOSE ALICORNIA!"

Foreshadowing, indeed. Also, I can only marvel at how peaceful these ponies truly are. A messenger appeareth and telleth the king that they are under attack, and without even seeking any sort of confirmation, every single one of the nation’s citizens are ordered to kill it with fire.

Whatever odd creatures have attacked Alicornia, they proceed to beat the tar out of the defenders.

This was not good.

Now, author, that is just a matter of opinion. I find it to be very good, indeed. The sooner this make-believe land of posturing butterfly-farters is burnt to the ground, the better.

"I want you to open a hole in the fog, big enough so my son may retreat...he is the perfect one of our pepole...and he will be the one to carry on my great legacy."

Didst thou not tell us in the long description that Silver Haze was just a normal alicorn? Yet here, thou contradictest thy prior statement. I care not to be lied to.

So Silver Haze flyeth over the battlefield, expending almost no effort in slaying every single beast he cometh upon. Not only dost thou fail to provide a description of the battlefield, thou further leavest out any sort of details regarding the foes. As far as I know, there is a single alicorn flying through a white void fighting invisible monsters. How dull.

The warmonger appeareth and telleth Silver Haze of the king’s orders, that he must escape to tell others about this catastrophe. Whatever it is. Methinks ‘twould be far better to let those unable to fight escape certain death, but very well, let us save the one pony in this entire story that we are certain will never die.

Despite facing one of the weakest arguments I have ever witnessed, the warmonger somehow convinceth Silver to leave Alicornia behind for destinations unknown.

Haze flew through the hole and made it to the other side, he looked back for just a second, at his doomed home and sighed before flying off.

‘Tis alright, Haze—none of thy friends or family had any sort of character in the first place—the world is not losing much.

So thou changest scenes in one of the most ham-hooved manners possible:

Three moons and two suns later

Yes, art thou not clever. Methinks ‘twould be fortunate if I make it through chapter two, at this rate.

Anyway, Silver Haze hath flown this entire time. I find this unlikely, but then again, the pony in question is a Stu. If I have learned one thing, ‘tis that one should never doubt what a Stu can do. He realizeth that he cannot land in the forest because of trees (oh, yes, the trees), but shortly after, he stumbleth upon a town. Thy narrative at this point becometh needlessly excited with exclamation points aplenty, but as before, I shall let this slide. Here, he meeteth a pegasus mare and expresseth surprise at her lack of a horn. Before he can truly have a conversation, he passeth out.

Back in Alicornia, the king summoneth the Harmony Core and setteth it to self-destruct, because no proper kingdom lacketh a way to destroy itself with the mere press of a button. With that, chapter one endeth.

Methinks I shall not continue on to chapter two, my reasoning being thus:

At risk of causing insult should my diagnosis be incorrect, ‘tis my belief that this author hath created this fic merely to mock elements generally found in poor stories. As such, my comments would do the author no good, since he already knoweth what he hath done incorrectly.

However, in the case that this is an honest attempt at writing, I shall provide a few suggestions on how thou mayest improve thy story. Firstly (and I find myself making this suggestion quite often), thou needest a proofreader. I noted a distractingly high number of grammatical and spelling errors that aided in preventing me from becoming immersed.

Secondly, I suggest that thou allowest thy characters to have personalities. The king likely came closest with his melodramatic wistfulness. Give the characters feeling that they express through words, actions, and expressions. Make them more than cardboard cutouts.

And finally, thou shouldst look up the definition of a Mary Sue and strive to strip such attributes from Silver Haze. I have not the patience to go into detail about it, but suffice to say, ‘tis a significant issue.

I believe that shall be all. Fare thee well, author, and I wish thee the best of luck with thy future writing endeavors.

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