Review of "Essenza di Amore" · 12:54am Jun 4th, 2015
This review hath been far too long in the coming. Greetings, dear readers and author—I bid you welcome to another review and pray that I find you of good health. Now, let us tarry no further and delve right into the day’s story—Essenza di Amore, written by Cerulean Voice.
Essenza di Amore hath a significant amount of content, measuring approximately 36,000 words if one ignoreth the “bonus content” (which, to be fair, I did). However, if the reader enjoyeth the main story, then she may proceed to another 16,000 worth of bonus scenes and author’s discussion. To be completely frank, it remindeth me too much of a popular film that garnereth critical acclaim and provideth extra features on the collector’s edition DVD. Humility is a character trait that I admire.
The author taggeth the story as Sad, Adventure, and Alternate Universe, as well as marking Princess Cadance and original characters for the character tags. Very well, author; I appreciate the information. Now, behold yon long description:
Also loosely inspired by symphonic metal band Nightwish's sixth studio album, Dark Passion Play.
Pray, allow me a moment to roll mine eyes.
Aside from the mundane first sentence, this description serveth well to lead off thy story. It provideth the reader with the basic setting and the characters, as well as the direction in which thou plannest to take the plot. I know from reading the story that the entire earth-pony village hath little-to-no experience with pegasi or unicorns, such that I feel ‘tis important to alter thy description from “a strange pony” to “a strange unicorn”. Further, ‘twill cut down on the slight repetition of the word “pony”.
Underneath thy description proper, however, is this slew of information:
Sweet Cadance’s cornucopia, that is a lot of prereaders and editors. Also, “rated teen for mild themes” is fairly obvious. Wherefore else wouldst thou choose to rate it such? At this point, methinks the foals would say “no shit, Sherlock”, or some such. I further care not for the list of accolades listed here. Thou shalt recall my earlier remark concerning humility, one that I feel applieth in this case as well.
So what we have here is a tale meant to provide an origin story for Princess Cadance. To be honest, something ringeth strangely in mine ears as I regard the information thou providest thus far—something concerning the potential clash between thy desire to pen an origin story and the fic’s Alternate Universe tag. Mayhaps my concerns shall come to naught, but that is yet to be seen.
Onwards to the prologue, “Cadence of Her Last Breath”.
Early twilight shrouded two young earth ponies as they wandered further from home than permitted.
Thy first sentence admirably accomplish that which first sentences are meant to do, which is to both snag and ground the reader. Thy use of an uncommon verb, “shroud”, catcheth the reader’s attention, whilst the rest of the sentence painteth the picture of two ponies walking in the early evening, likely with at least a small amount of apprehension due to their breaking the rules. Thou mayest tweak the end of the sentence so that it resolveth on a smoother note, but aside from that, ‘tis a competent opening line.
So these ponies, Kartanya the filly and her older brother Artax, carefully pick their way through a forested area. The filly protesteth how their elders shall react, but her brother brusheth her concerns off. I enjoyed a few things about these first few paragraphs. Thou characterizest Kartanya and Artax well and place them in the traditional roles of whiny younger sister and adventurous, stubborn older brother. Further, the amount and manner of description thou includest serveth well to immerse thy readers in the story, placing them right in the action. Thy dialogue seemeth a bit sparse at times, but aside from that, I cannot complain much about the narration.
However, I did find myself raising an eyebrow at the reason these two are out so early in the first place.
“Artax, stop already!” said the filly, slowing her pace and panting as she wiped the perspiration from her eyes. “We’ll get in so much trouble…”
Artax looked at her over his shoulder but continued down the curving trail and around the gentle incline. “Come on, Kartanya. I’ve never explored this far before. I don’t get why the area is taboo anyway.”
This excuse striketh me as shallow and contrived. He waketh himself at such an early hour for simple exploration? I would understand if he had the task of gathering berries or firewood or some such and on a whim decided to take a detour, but having him go to this plot-important location “just because” simply seemeth overly convenient rather than natural.
Anyway, a dragon—the reason the area was declared off-limits in the first place—appeareth as it harrieth a fleeing pegasus mare. Artax attempteth to save her, but in the process, he is carried away and presumably killed in a raging flood caused by dragon-fire melting ice and snow at the top of a nearby mountain (a narrative touch that I appreciated). The pegasus revealeth that she carrieth on her person a sack that containeth her newborn foal, and she passeth it on to Kartanya before succumbing to her wounds. The chapter endeth with Kartanya vowing to protect the foal (who the pegasus had named Cadance) in her brother’s memory.
My initial impressions are good, although I am a bit skeptical concerning the tragic, almost cliched story of how Cadance came to this earth-pony village. However, the narrative is interesting and fulfilling and the characterizations are strong, so I suppose it all balanceth out.
Let us away to chapter one, “Eva”.
The chapter leadeth off with a pink filly, presumably Cadance, playing in the village with her younger brother, Avram. He referreth to her as Kaviyayu, a decision that absolutely baffleth me. Wherefore wouldst thou take a relatively pretty name like Cadance and replace it with something so clunky and ponderous to say like Kaviyayu? Mayhaps if the language thou writest was more akin to whatever language thou lifted the name from, but ‘tis not. For the entirety of this story, every time I read “Kaviyayu” I cringed, and while this was the worst, almost every single name in this story irritated me.
Anyway, Cadance (I absolutely shan’t refer to her as Kaviyayu) joineth a number of other foals from the village and they all get incredibly wet and dirty in the process. Oh, and there is something I wish to point out to thee:
“Says the big, fat clydesdale who ate all the cherry pie last night,” Kavi countered with a wink.
There are two items that I take exception to, the first being that a clydesdale is a breed of horse from a Scottish town named Clydesdale. Thinkest thou that this town existeth in Equestria?
No, I did not either.
Then there is the whole issue of sentient beings being bred at all, which is an entirely different monster that I shan’t elaborate further on. Simply keep this in mind when trying to shoehorn in horse puns or references to real-world horse terms.
Cadance is approached by her older sister and scolded for irresponsible behavior, and the two have a conversation regarding Cadance’s professed maturity, which I myself have not yet seen. She then returneth home and speaketh with her mother before the scene endeth.
Next, cut to a short, italicized (needlessly, in mine opinion) passage almost melodramatic in how ominous thou sought to make it, in which some creature, likely the villain, sayeth something generally evil.
The next scene openeth with Cadance full after dinner and sitting in front of a fire. Suddenly, a being appeareth in the flames and speaketh. Apparently, ‘tis a unicorn storyteller come to seek food and shelter in return for a story. I wonder if ‘tis the same ominous figure in the previous scene? Nay, it cannot be. ‘Twould be too obvious, after all.
“What name belongs to this pretty face of trust?”
This dialogue falleth completely flat, by the by.
The unicorn nameth herself as Eva, and the village elder hath a word with her.
“I am Havijhan. This is our village of Zahara, and there is a reason you will not find it on any map. We keep to ourselves, you see, and we prefer it that way.” He leaned forward. “On that note, I request that you keep our presence here a secret, and not share knowledge of its existence when you leave. In the meantime… you may stay.”
Ah, yes, the random secret village that shunneth all outside influence. Wherefore would they choose to live such a life, thou askest? Because reasons, dear reader! Reasons that thou certainly needest not know! I most definitely am not speaking sarcastically—wherefore wouldst thou get such an impression?
The chapter endeth with Eva asking if anyone wisheth to hear a story.
So, my impressions have changed after this chapter. Whereas before I enjoyed the characterizations, here I find them to be a little bit more unbelieveable. The manner in which they all get along with each other seemeth just a little too perfect. I know thou wishest to portray Cadance’s family as one happy, loving unit, but I believe ‘twould be show real conflict between them and demonstrate that, despite their immediate irritation and anger, they still care deeply for each other. And no, I shan’t accept the “thou art adopted” scene a bit further in as an example of this.
In chapter three, we start with Eva’s waking moments. Cadance arriveth shortly after, and the two share a conversation in which Eva explaineth the existence of the four different pony races. She promiseth to reveal a secret to Cadance, but moments later becometh aware that Avram hath been eavesdropping, and thus she promiseth to share the secret at a later time.
In the next scene, around a fire in the village, Cadance’s father returneth and they have a heartfelt reunion. Eva proceedeth to entertain all with the story of the two sisters, but then Cadance’s father decideth to tell a story of his own. What is this story, thou askest? The author nameth it “The Tragedy of Artax”, aka “Cadance, Thou Art Adopted”.
I found this entire scene, wherein Cadance learneth of her true lineage, to be utterly asinine. If thou hast an adopted daughter who thou lovest dearly and ‘twas thine intent to tell her that she is not blood kin, how wouldst thou do so? Wouldst thou a) do so in a private setting so that she would be most comfortable, or b) inform her in front of the entire village in an attempt to one-up a show-mare? If thou answerest with “a”, then congratulations—thou art a believeable person. If thou wouldst honestly choose “b”, then I urge thee to seek immediate help.
Who thought this was a good idea? What kind of reasonable person would look at the situation and say, “yes, the best way to reveal this to her is in front of the entire village with almost literally no build-up or hint that ‘tis coming”? Oh, and this is but the first item that irritated me.
The second is Cadance’s reaction:
Kavi backed away, shaking her head, eyes dancing wildly. “Don’t touch me!”
“She’s not my mother,” Kavi said, looking away. “My mother is dead. So is my father. You two are just pretenders.”
Kavi flapped her wings and flew backward into the branches of a nearby yew. “Why did none of you ever tell me before?” she called down. “Why did you let me believe a lie for so long?”
“I should have known all this time,” she said. “I’ve always been different. But you all let me believe it was because I fell from the sky, that I was an angel from the heavens above. Not because I’m… a pegasus.”
My my, the angst is strong in this one.
The different elements at play with this family simply do not match up. No group is so irritatingly sweet with each other as these ponies were in chapter one, and nobody honestly responds to this kind of news this way. ‘Tis as though, at the time when thou writ this, thou peered into the future and noted my criticism, and thus sought to rectify it by introducing familial conflict. I regret to inform thee that thou hast taken it much too far in thine attempts.
I hesitate to term this melodrama, but it approacheth such levels of being overly-emphasized.
Anyway, Cadance chooseth to seek solace, something easily accomplished due to her ability to fly. However, Eva soon findeth her and proceedeth to assuage her bruised feelings. She revealeth to Cadance that she possesseth a crystal pendant capable of detecting love, then the two head back to the village so that Cadance might reconcile with her family.
‘Tis unfortunate for poor Cadance that she arriveth at the village only to find herself scorned by her parents and siblings. Naught that she sayeth is enough to sway them, and she instead flieth away once more before the chapter endeth.
I shall be honest—I enjoyed the complete turnaround in her family’s attitude until I saw this little gem in thine author’s note:
Well, that just happened. Why the abrupt change in her family's demeanour? Find out next chapter.
Oh, joy. Thou thinkest thy readers are stupid. I know not whether I should feel insulted or confused. Hmmm… Yes, I believe “insulted” is the proper reaction.
To be fair, ‘tis a bit more difficult to spot that something reeketh with the family’s attitude when compared to Cadance’s previous tantrum, which was naught but internally-generated angst. If thou tonest done the “thou art an orphan” scene, then the simple intensity of the chapter end makes thy hint in the author’s note completely unnecessary.
Moving on the chapter three, “Master Passion Greed (part one)”. Do take note, author, of my disgust at labeling a chapter as “part one”.
We rejoin Cadance right where we left her, as she fleeth her angry family. After a short flight, she spotteth in the dark forest a shoddy cabin and maketh for it immediately. Unfortunately, a bog awaiteth her below, into which she falleth in a most ungraceful manner. She picketh herself up only to find that the abode belongeth to Eva, herself! What a coincidence! And at this point, imagine me waving my hooves around in exaggerated excitement.
Yes, in the middle of the night, as she aimlessly roameth the skies above the forest, she just so happeneth to stumble across Eva’s humble cottage. There is no description of light in the windows or even smoke coming from the chimney, so I must assume that these things are not present, making it even less believable that she would even notice it in the darkness. ‘Twould be more acceptable if there was something that drew her here rather than chance.
Regardless, Eva taketh her inside for a bath, and the two have an intimate conversation regarding Cadance’s recent trials. Oh, and Eva droppeth this bomb:
“Oh. Um, yes, I suppose. Thank you, Eva.” Kavi sighed and bowed her head. “You’ve already done so much for me, and yet I’ve done nothing in return.”
“What complete folly, Kaviyayu,” Eva said. “You degrade yourself too much. Why, you have done far more for me than anypony has in years.”
I suspect that subtlety is not thy forte, author.
After the bath they finish the conversation and Cadance lieth down to sleep, thus ending the scene.
The next scene beginneth with Cadance waking up in a sort of blue-void, confused as to how she hath arrived there. Her family is there with her, and when she mentioneth their verbal abuse from the night before, they claim to not remember a thing.
Oh, ‘tis because Eva stole their souls and controlled their bodies, or some such.
Apparently, her crystal pendant hath the (vaguely defined) ability to both feed upon love and suck in souls, which is exactly the fate that hath befallen Cadance, as well as the entirety of her village. Eva’s goal is to use the love between Cadance and her family to fuel her power, or make her young, or both—I honestly know not, as thou hast not provided an adequate explanation, author.
Mayhaps thy readers are curious as to the villain’s motivation. After all, to do such a cruel thing as to break up a family (because reasons!) and then steal all their souls, there must be some extreme impetus that would drive her so strongly, yes?
“Ever since I was born, I’ve been vilified,” Eva said. “Everyone hated me. They mocked my albinism, my mane, my eyes… and I couldn’t even conjure up the simplest of spells to defend myself. I failed magic school, which only made things worse.”
Pray, author, allow me to get this straight. Eva is evil because she was bullied, and she was bullied because she is albino.
She was bullied… because she is albino.
I—I simply need to take a moment to let that sink in. My brain feeleth as though ‘tis soon to shut off and leave me to finish reviewing this story alone. No, brain, do not leave me! I need thee!
Canst thou not see how utterly ridiculous this is? Bullied for albinism… Here, allow me to point out to thee wherefore I have come to this conclusion.
1. Ponies in Equestria come in all different colors
2. Some of the most prominent Equestrian values are acceptance, kindness, and forgiveness
3. Ponies in Equestria come in all different colors!
In a world where ponies come in blue, purple, green, red, yellow, and pink, amongst nigh upon countless other colors, wherefore would a white pony be discriminated against?! Almost every pony is different, be it by color, race, gender, size, personality, and pony society is completely accepting of these differences with only the smallest of exceptions—all of this makes color discrimination in Equestria a completely laughable concept!
Bullied because she was albino, indeed. The nerve…
So the villain’s motivation is that, due to her hellish foalhood from color discrimination, she now useth the crystal pendant to take love from others while watching and enjoying their subsequent anguish. She then revealeth her true name to be Prismia, and she proclaimeth herself to be the Goddess of Love before laughing and leaving (I do so detest it when they do that, dost thou not?)
Next, Cadance and her family make up and resolve themselves to get free from their prison. Prismia returneth to mock them, but little doth she know that Cadance hath a plan. She demonstrateth a series of examples to prove her love for her family, all of which serve to seemingly overload the crystal pendant, as well as frustrate Prismia, who never had such strong relationships herself. The two have a cliched beam-of-magic-off, which endeth with Cadance in possession of the crystal pendant and Prismia defeated. The chapter leaveth off with Cadance sending them all home.
In chapter four, “Master Passion Greed (part two)” (gag), Cadance awakeneth in Prismia’s cottage, seemingly moments after falling asleep. The villain herself, now an old mare, presenteth her with the crystal pendant. However, as soon as Cadance placeth it around her neck, smoke beginneth to seep out, and a monster appeareth.
The fog swirled and contorted, its edges solidifying into something vaguely pony-shaped. Four misshapen hooves thudded into the floor. A section of green cloud sharpened into a pair of translucent wings from its back. A stringy, tattered teal tail burst from its rear. Crowned by a twisted horn, a head atop a slender neck sprouted from the body and rose until it towered over Kavi and Prismia. A pallid mane draped down over its face and down its back. Sharp fangs lined the too-wide mouth, a short nose poked out, and bottomless eyes of the deepest emerald green filled most of its new face.
Ah. Chrysalis. Author, I see thou hast pulled out all of the creative stops. Mayhaps this shan’t be a forced inclusion; mayhaps ‘twas a good decision to write in Chrysalis, as well. Only time will tell—simply take note that I am highly suspicious.
So Chrysalis hath been trapped inside the pendant for an indeterminately long amount of time, freed because Cadance’s love for her family was too pure. No, I do not fully buy it either, but oh well. Chrysalis taketh her leave so that she might feed on the village, and Cadance taketh up pursuit. Unfortunately, she cannot fly very well in the inclement weather, and she falleth to the ground and breaketh her wing.
Hours later, with the sun about to rise, Prismia findeth her, dazed and injured in the mud. Prismia teleport the two of them to the village, draining all of her stamina in the process. Then, after Cadance waketh her family, Chrysalis appeareth.
The monster drew back its lips to reveal gleaming pointed fangs. A vicious leer covered its face as it stalked forward, every step slow, deliberate, calculated. “I knew you would take my bait. It was too easy tracking you here.”
Mayhaps thou wouldst care to explain how she tracked them when they teleported what striketh me as a great distance.
Anyway, a number of other changelings appear, showing that Chrysalis can reproduce like a rabbit on steroids when circumstances call for it. She promiseth the safety of everyone in the village, if only Cadance surrendereth herself so that the changelings can feed upon her love. As anyone would expect of this incredibly cliched mechanic, Cadance accepteth the terms and throweth away the crystal pendant, which had up until then burned Chrysalis whenever she came close.
Fortunately for everyone, Prismia recovereth just in time to distract Chrysalis and allow Cadance to use the pendant to defeat her and her changeling swarm.
With naught but a cry of “I’ll get you one daaaaaay,” the monster disappeared over the western forest, and away from dawn’s first light.
I have difficulty finding the words to express my disgust at how effectively this breaketh my immersion. Regardless, the chapter endeth with Cadance falling unconscious to the ground.
The next chapter, “Meadows of Heaven”, is almost a retelling of the scene wherein Twilight Sparkle became an alicorn princess, except with Cadance as the confused recipient instead. She and Celestia meet in some other dimension and, for the most part, simply retell what hath just happened in the previous chapters. The only truly new content is a story told by Celestia wherein a nameless filly saveth her one-time completely loving but now abusive family from an eternal winter through the power of love. The final scene in the chapter involveth Cadance turning into an alicorn.
Oh, and the following line?
“Fascinating,” Celestia said. “All ancient Hordi names. I would very much like to hear more about you all, that is, if you are willing to share?”
Every time an author writeth a pun like that, a puppy experienceth a wave of random sadness. Art thou happy now? Art thou?
Let us just go on to the final two chapters; this fic hath dragged on for long enough.
Chapter six, “Bye Bye Beautiful”, openeth with the villagers discussing Prismia’s fate when all of a sudden Cadance, now an alicorn, appeareth from on high. She telleth them all of what hath occurred in the past day before formally forgiving Prismia for her misdemeanors. Suddenly, Princess Celestia, the “Sun Goddess” of the village, appeareth, thus shattering the earth ponies’ religion into little pieces.
She telleth them tales and show them how she raiseth the sun, then Prismia telleth the tale of her foalhood, and is the entirety of the chapter up until about halfway through naught but the telling of stories? It was so absolutely dull that I could barely pay enough attention to read it.
Prismia revealeth that the crystal pendant was dropped by Cadance’s true mother years ago as she fled the dragon that slew her, a plot thread that I am torn between appreciating and scorning. Methinks ‘tis a bit more of a personal preference, so take that as thou wilt. After her story, Princess Celestia sentenceth her to rehabilitation.
In the end, after much hesitation and a scene heavily reminiscent of Anakin Skywalker leaving his mother on Tatooine, Cadance leaveth her home to become a princess.
The epilogue is naught but a series of interactions between Cadance and Twilight’s family. Whilst filly Twilight is almost always cute and the scene with her served as an appropriate bookend for the story, the rest of the chapter following seemeth unnecessary and simply serveth to drag things on.
Now, at the story’s end, allow me to present a number of my concluding thoughts.
To begin, I wish to praise thee, author, on a well written story. I know not if ‘tis attributable to thine editors or if ‘tis a result of thine own skills, but the grammar, spelling, pacing, formatting, and all other such relatively technical items were nigh upon impeccable. Further, thy narration was (for the most part) very strong and complete and did an admirable job of maintaining reader immersion, something which I find incredibly important for serious works. There are but a few exceptions here, which I shall go over in a bit.
Thy characterizations, as well, were very competently realized and communicated. Every now and then a character would act oddly or in a way that I did not find believable, but aside from these instances, thou hast produced a strong set of characters that interact with each other well.
However, despite the praise I have for thee, there are a number of issues that rear their head and mar what would otherwise be a wonderful read. The first of which, and the one that, while not the most significant, irritated me more than any other, was the names. Kaviyayu, Stamska, Samanka, Avran, Kartanya—I understand thine intent in using such foreign names. Unfortunately, they are simply too alien compared to just about every other name presented in this universe. Even long ago, back before Equestria was formed, there were names like Smart Cookie, Clover the Clever, and Princess Platinum. They are all derived from the language that these ponies speak.
Now, thou mayest say that the names thou hast come up with were also derived from language, but to that I would say, do the ponies of Zahara actually speak that language? No, they in fact speak English (or whatever the Equestrian name is for English), because Celestia and, more tellingly, Prismia both understood the earth-ponies without any difficulty at all. The only thing I can conclude about these names is that ‘twas a valiant effort, but an effort that did not work out in the end.
Allow me here to mention the narrative issue that I above referenced, promising to return to it. A few instances in thy story, I noticed narrative disconnects—places where thou leavest out significant details that would otherwise bridge two actions. Take the following passage, for instance:
Kavi slid to a halt as she froze up. She stumbled, crying out as her wing brushed against the ground and dragged her down. She shook her head then turned around, heart hammering in her chest.
The monster drew back its lips to reveal gleaming pointed fangs.
In this passage, Cadance heareth Chrysalis, then turneth around in the direction from which the noise came. Then, Chrysalis hath an action. The part thou hast left out is the instance of discovery, where Cadance layeth eyes upon Chrysalis. Thou writest her turning, but thou tellest not what happeneth immediately afterward. There are a few places in the story where I noticed similar errors, but this is the one I recall off the top of my head.
I pointed out above a few rough patches wherein the characters made ridiculously unbelievable choices or encountered circumstances obviously written in order to pull them in certain directions, but these were few and far between. My only advice is to continue to do thine utmost to avoid such things.
Something in the character interactions that I did not care for was how cringeworthy certain exchanges were, such as when Cadance demonstrated to Prismia how much she truly loved her family. ‘Tis difficult to put the sensation into words, but if I had to, I would describe it as disgustingly, sickeningly saccharine. This may be just mine own subjective complaint, but I did not care for how sugary sweet the characters treated each other at times.
Next, I wish to address a number of the story’s elements and how they play into the greater universe. I know the story is tagged as an Alternate Universe, but I cannot shake the sense that thine intent was to craft a convincing backstory for Cadance that would fit into the show’s canon.
The first item I take exception to is the plot thread involving Chrysalis and her attempt to drain Cadance’s love. Wherefore didst thou think it necessary to involve her in the first place? I see no reason, other than an attempt to link this story to Cadance’s original appearance in the show. This seemeth less like a reasonable development and more like a forced inclusion meant more to excite fans of the show, as was C-3PO when ‘twas revealed that Anakin Skywalker in fact built him.
In fact, I believe that the portion of the story concerning Chrysalis could easily be cut altogether. The story peaketh at the defeat of Prismia, but instead of resolving, it continueth beyond that climax and maintaineth a sense of tension that feeleth unnatural and forced. This is a problem that I had with many scenes in the story—they overstayed their welcome and became tedious to read. The material was not compelling enough to maintain the drive required for passages of such length.
Next is the notion that there is this entire village of earth-ponies, kept separate from the rest of the world because they like their privacy. Wherefore would they desire such seclusion? If thou givest me a reason, I would be far more inclined to believe it. Mayhaps their ancestors were discriminated against harshly by unicorns and pegasi. Mayhaps there was some catastrophe that traumatized them. The concept of such a village existing is not outside the realm of reason, but simply saying ‘tis “just because” and leaving nary a hint to be seen serveth only to raise my skepticism.
While I speak upon the village, how did Prismia manage to steal anyone’s love with the crystal pendant if she did not find it until after she was already inside Celestia’s barrier? Are there other like villages held within? Did she manage to leave and then somehow return?
This story is an interesting bit of world-building with the narrative and technical qualities that lift it above other similar tales. Further, the characters resonate well and seem believable, which only helps immerse the reader in the story. All in all, ‘twas an enjoyable read, and one which I would recommend. A few blemishes prevent it from being great, but that should not dissuade any readers who enjoy histories or adventure stories.
Author, I wish thee the best of luck in thy future endeavors and pray that thou shalt derive at least some small amount of benefit from this review. Fare thee well.
Hmm. Am I the only one that compares this story with an overly-cliched soap opera?
Wowee, a review! Let's see how I fared.
*reads*
Damn. Lots of information and wise reading happening here. I could really learn a lot from this. I guess my inexperience as a writer really shows in certain parts of the story. I'll be sure to work on my dialogue and exposition, as those two aspects of my writing are often singled out as feeling clunky or flat.
This was a very long time in the making, and yes I did include a great many people to help me complete it and polish it to a level where I felt acceptable for general viewing. Now please allow me to address a few areas of confusion that may or may not have been clear during your read.
Yes, that's a very fair comparison to make, and exactly why I made everything after the epilogue optional. However I would ask that you at least look in the author's end notes, as a few things are explained there about why I did things. There's also a whole bunch of artwork there from Ayemel, who is an extraordinary artist.
As for all the information I placed below the break in the description, I did so that it would be hidden by the [more] button instead of placing it at the top where the story's description really ought to be. Anything below the [more] button is there so it's not all "in your face" about what the story has accomplished.
About humility too: this is going to come across as defeatist or that I somehow lack self-esteem, but nothing in my life has given me greater pleasure than writing these stories on this site and seeing them do well. I never thought I was particularly good at any one thing, but apparently I'm a pretty good writer. Forgive a guy for taking perhaps a little too much pride in the one thing he feels good about in life.
I am sorry you did not appreciate the names, however I can see why you did not after reading the review. Interestingly, a lot of people actually liked the names when they discovered what they meant in the Hindi language (ponified Hordi, yes that's probably terrible; also I had no idea that Clydesdale was a real place, I thought it was just the name of a breed of horse
).
You may or may not have caught references to The Neverending Story, one of my primary influences on my writing. The elder brother, Artax, is a more obvious one, but everypony in the ancient village being various hues of green is another reference to Atreyu and Artax's tribe, the Greenskins.
As for choosing the names, the idea was to help create the feeling that this was indeed an ancient village that had shunned the outside world for time immemorial, for reasons unknown and irrelevant to the story (hence why I did not include any details). However, it was also done to help show that these ponies really knew nothing about the outside world, that Artax was breaking a major rule, and also why Cadance's foster parents would never seek to return her to her own relatives instead of claiming her for their own.
I apologise for that. Of course it was stupid and completely unnecessary. I have removed the offending note.
Oh, I see this got completely lost in translation. Now in hindsight I realise there is absolutely no way for you to know what I'm about to tell you, which is purely my fault for not making that clear in the story.
You see, Prismia was based off an OC from another story, one of my old favourites, entitled Colors of the Heart by Azu. His character, Prism (the name is purely a coincidence I assure you, as Prismia is actually my villains' Canon name according to the source material the story is based upon), is also an albino... but it was not her colour scheme that was the source of her bullying. You see, it was the fact that at least in his story (and an element from it that I borrowed) that albinos have an incredibly hard time with magic. Earth ponies aren't very strong, pegasi are weak fliers, and unicorns (like Eva/Prismia) are weak with spellcasting. However, within them lies an uncontrollable hidden power that only comes out when they are forced into extreme situations. An albino Earth pony might pull off an astounding feat of strength to save a loved one. A pegasus might be able to fly extraordinarily fast if their life depends on them being able to do so. As for a unicorn (in particular, Prism and Prismia), their magic all comes out at once with terrible destructive power. Part of Prismia's retelling of her youth involved the destruction of those poor souls who tormented her, as well as half of the city block she cowered in.
But of course, this was never clear in the story. I just wanted you to know that it was not colour being the major factor in her teasing as a foal, rather her inability to produce even basic spells that just so happened to be paired with her condition, her lack of pigment. Kids are also cruel.
You have made remarks about the story in places being overly sweet, clichéd, and sometimes downright unbelievable. I knew this could happen with some readers who have higher standards than most when it comes to these fanfictions. I just want to say that I am aware of these issues, but that they're also there deliberately. My intention was to create a story that could be enjoyed as if it were a two-parter for the actual show itself, which we all know does make use of clichés and has a lot of things like exposition and odd character behaviour. The show isn't perfect by any means, and neither is this story, but I do hope that reading this could have felt like a script for the show itself.
I'll also point this out:
Yes, my intent was to do exactly as you suspect: create a plausible-canon backstory for thy royal niece. Something else I will point out is that the Alternate Universe tag has only been on the story for about three weeks prior to this review, which is when I found out that there was a comic explicitly covering Queen Chrysalis' origin story as well as King Sombra's (which involved Princess Amore who is depicted differently from the filly I described in Celestia's story). Both of these shattered my story in that sense, and so I added the AU tag, because I (unlike many other selective persons in the fandom) choose to take everything I become aware of in Extended Universe as canon. So yes, you were absolutely right, I just wanted to clear that up.
I will take this review into consideration and I thank thee for taking the time to produce such a thorough and detailed analysis. I'm loathe to change anything about this story itself, however I will be taking things you said here and applying your more general advice with my future writings. The story is not perfect, but it is my favourite, and I still stand by it as the best thing I've ever produced.
All in all, I'm glad you enjoyed the story for what it is, qualms aside. Thank you for this review and for the read.
And please do have a look in the author's end notes, if only for the art and maybe the song as well.
I will note that the editors made CV rewrite north of 20,000 words of that story during the editing process, cut or change enormous amounts of material, and otherwise make a lot of alterations.
So when you're like "My god, that is a lot of editors", you're absolutely right. And poor CV spent months getting it together and poking us to read it.
I haven't actually ever even read the finished product because I spent so much time looking at that story that it made me unable to really appreciate it as a story anymore.
That is the sickest burn I have ever seen. Bravo~!
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Albinism is a genetic condition and can be fatal in some species. It is also made obvious by pinkish-white hues across the coat and eyes. among other places (I think it can also affect the tongue). With the vast range of colors for ponies if young foals found out that a classmate had a genetic condition, I imagine they would out of both ignorance and prejudice avoid her while some school bullies would have extra ammo. I don't know many kids who know too much about genetics.
I'm not sure if I'm the only one but I found this believable, as children torment each other for far less.