The black dog. · 7:53pm Feb 22nd, 2015
Depression is a scummy disease, because what it does to you also makes it really easy to overlook that you have it. You know that quite-apocryphal metaphor about the frog and the slowly heating water? Despite how stupid it is when applied to actual living animals that would in no way survive all of nature's bloody fury were they to actually be unaware enough to let themselves cook slowly, it's a pretty apt way of looking at how your perception of the world is when your perception of the world is wrong; you don't know that you are the problem until you know that you are the problem. In combination with not being able to easily pinpoint the difference between thinking everything is terrible and everything actually being terrible, there's also little incentive to let people know about the problem you are quite literally making up for yourself. Other people have, like, real problems. Nothing is wrong with you. You only think something is wrong. Depression is an elephant in the room that's really good at hide-and-seek. Your mind retains the negative and chews it over and blows it out of proportion, and even though you can tell yourself with cold iron logic that this is not the truth of the world, this is not the way everyone outside of your head sees things, it is very, very hard to let go of the idea that you and all you are is unimportant and not deserving of attention or recognition, and if you do get these things your first reaction is an awkward kind of embarrassment, a crippling humility. What? No. I'm no good at this thing you say I'm good at. It was dumb. I didn't... really, you think it's good? I don't know. It's okay, I guess.
You know what? Fuck that noise.
I am a good writer. Hard Vulcan logic tells me so. Even with my garbage work ethic and very little effort to self-educate, I can write with a voice and a style that's mine and not a pale imitation of someone established or the toneless cadence of what the guides say you should be doing. I got chops. Over three hundred people liked what I did enough at some point to commit to having a website tell them when I made more of it. That's not nothing. A couple of people read my stuff out loud and recorded it, which blows my mind every time I think about it in more than just a cursory way. I've got stuff on EQD when it was a big deal to get stuff on EQD, had three or four stories picked up by Seattle's Angels, one's in The Royal Guard, and I managed to get my first shot at clop into the High Quality Mature Fiction group, which weirdly I feel is the bigger accomplishment.
Oh, and I have a story in the Royal Canterlot Library now. So it is becoming increasingly harder to believe that there's no merit to what I do here. If I keep it up long enough, who knows, I might even develop an ego.
And you wrote a well put description of depression to paper, which is both incredibly difficult and (in my opinion) necessary for education and the strength for an individual to fight it. So you have that going for you as well. Keep at it Dust. You are good.
I wonder if it helps at all, but I didn't really expect this from you. You kinda seemed to exude confidence, in an aloof way? You manage to talk in that way that where everything you say has wisdom, and can just sort of make abstract concepts make sense and be beautiful. There's never really much uncertainty.
Anyway, yeah, you're one of the few writers I know who makes things that are good, even moreso than fun. I'm really glad to get to see some of the output of your mind.
This post makes me happy. :)
Yeah! Fuck your brain! What does it know about good writing anyway? Writing's all in the hands, and your hands are awesome, and I can tell because your stories are awesome. So tell your brain to go lick a dog's anus the next time it tries to tell you anything about your writing.
Anything I might say, Dust, Exuno covered in 2821322
And while I've said it before to you, it bears saying again; congratulations, and very nicely done.
Writing compelling clop is a different skillset than telling a literary story. So while the RCL is sort of piling on the accolades you already know about, HQMF means you're good in multiple dimensions.
You guise.
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It's not all my description, but it was the thing that made it click for me. "You mean everyone doesn't keep an encyclopedic backlog in their head of every asinine thing they've ever done available at a moment's notice? Huh." It does feel good to know thyself, at any rate.
2821322
Most people who seem confident are liars. People with real, genuine confidence in themselves are, I don't know, like the Buddha, or something. Text gives you a lot of time to measure your responses, too. I have been told I sound wise on occasion, though; maybe you don't ever really feel especially wise.
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Glad I could help.
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Dumb brains, they complicate everything. You make better art when you don't overthink it, anyway.
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I really do wish I knew what to respond to being congratulated. Just saying thanks seems like not enough.
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I do sort of want to try clop again, because answering the question of "Why does this story need sex?" is an interesting challenge. It's outside where I'm comfortable, too, and I heard that's good for growth and whatnot.
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People with confidence are liars, yes, but they've at least got the confidence to lie about it. I don't think it's possible to eliminate doubt, but you can act without it, and at that point, what's the difference?
I guess what I'm saying is pay attention to what you say, more than what you think.
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A simple "thank you" covers a multitude of things, so don't worry, it's accepted in the spirit it's given. (Of course such things as "If only I could reach your skill level" and "Maybe one day I'll be just as good as you! Maybe." are also nice things to say!)
And don't for a minute thing you don't have an ego, that you don't have confidence. You post stories, publicly, instead of hiding them away. You post stories about a cartoon aimed at young girls when you're not one, going against many societal types in the process. You're sure enough of yourself to feel that other people will read something that you have personally created, and not find it a waste of their time. You're egotistical enough to comment on the works of other people and not just give empty praise but say to them "This could be better, and here's why."
All of that takes a good deal of confidence, because you're going up to complete strangers and telling them "My work is worthy of your time." In your case, you just happen to be right about it.
Consider this (the RCL, SA, RG, HQMF) as validation that maybe -- just maybe -- that ego of yours is not misplaced, that your stories really are good enough to demand the time of other people, and that maybe -- just maybe -- you have at least some clue to what you're doing.
By their very nature, all authors and artists are egotists, which is why we thrive on feedback so; some just flaunt it more than others. That all these stories are out in the world proves that you don't just create for yourself but you're sure enough of your work that you feel others may find some of the joy in reading it that you found it creating it. As your own stories emphasize; actions over words.
As to what you mentioned about the potential for another mature story... considering what you did with Levee (I still dislike that title for that story)... yeah, I would totally love to see what else you could do.