The Act of War Review: Hardship Overcome · 10:11pm Feb 13th, 2015
Now, I typically leave my humorous reviews as little nuggets of fun to find in a forgotten story's comments somewhere. My blog is a weird mixture of ideas that I have that either only work in blogs or are something I've been thinking about and want to get some other opinions on.
Not today, though. Today, it is a review of a story that most would consider "bad."
And, in the best possible sense, it's a "bad" story. What's "bad" in the worst possible sense is what's going on in the story comments. For instance, here's my painstakingly crafted review:
Comment posted by Scootareader deleted at 2:50pm on the 13th of February, 2015
My comments may be funny to some, but this one also has honest-to-goodness feedback. It's censorship of everything that's not incessantly positive, pure and simple.
In fact, there is one "review" comment not censored:
To those who don't know, Waterpear frequents a certain group called Rage Reviews. He's no friend of the little author, and his comment had me laughing. What was even funnier, though, was the author's response:
Little does she know...
So, what was in my little review comment that the author so kindly deleted for me because I obviously didn't want anyone to read it even though I took a while to write the whole thing and it's not that easy to find the time to write a review at work and I obviously enjoyed reading it enough to write a review but I certainly didn't intend for anyone to read it? Well, contained below the double-break, in its entirety, is my review. It is of the story Hardship Overcome, which I highly encourage you guys to go read, as I thoroughly enjoyed it. The comments are also really good, as the author only left positive, constructive, and helpful comments in the story.
Seems legit.
EDIT: Also censoring the groups their story got added to. This just gets better and better.
Okay, first of all, I'm certain I'm going to love this story.
It's few and far between that just the description of the story has me in hysterics. You have a wonderful gift, and I strongly encourage you to hone your talents, no matter what anyone says or does. I will never grow tired of your literature, I can assure you of that. 
Now, on to the funny review! If you delete it, I have it screenshotted and will put it in a blog post so all my followers can come and read it as well, so don't delete it if you don't want even more people coming and being mean because you deleted my comment. 
Hardship Overcome
*scribbles on notepad* Hardship... hmm. Sounds like a romance.
Let's see, cover picture...
*scribbles some more on notepad* Created in General Zoi's Pony Creator...
Yeah, this is review-worthy.
Before Cadence, Shining Armor had a different special somepony.
Your short description.
Somewhat original. I can already see where this is going, though--your Pony Creator pony is going to end up getting with Shining Armor and he's going to be head-over-hooves in love with her. A great story prompt, and one I encourage you to revisit after you've, em... shall we say, refined your writing methods. 
Also, it's canonically Cadance, not Cadence.
On to the long description!
Before Twilight ever went to Ponyville, Shining Armor hadn't really been interested in Cadence.
This is a solid hook, actually. It's odd that Twilight knows nothing of Shining Armor being with Cadance until after she leaves, so this is very easily within the realm of canon. Very good story inspiration here.
Minted Drop is blind in one eye- and blind to her friend's love.
There's this whole stigma of ponies being what's referred to as a "special snowflake." It means there's something unique or outstanding about them that's not really a flaw and tends to be looked upon quite well.
I actually have a great example of this. I have a friend with cover arts who thinks that having special eyes is the key to a good OC.
Bear in mind, these are all cover arts from the exact same author. I just had to go through her stories list real quick to get them. No, I'm not saying who because I think she's awesome and I love her stories--just not for the reasons I think she wants me to love them for.
Your OC is already special snowflake status--and painfully so. The "blind in one eye" thing isn't going to come up anywhere relevant or make this any more difficult for, um... Minted Drop. It's a nice line to say that being blind in one eye makes others blind to your love or whatever, but... man, it's not worth it. 
Your OC is a certified special snowflake at this time.
Will fate allow two ponies to be happy? Or will something else overthrow any hope?
Based on the name "Hardship Overcome," I'm pretty sure this "something else" you may or may not be including in the story won't jeopardize the ending.
The picture is of my OC, Minted Drop. Do not steal!
My list of reactions via Obama.
If you want anyone to take you seriously ever again, don't use that line. It's so synonymous with the word "troll" that it's nearly impossible to convince them you're not. No one wants your OC, so don't put that.
I should also mention that putting that doesn't stop anyone from using your OC. You haven't patented Minted Drop, therefore you have no legal right to keep her to yourself. Maybe I should put her in one of my stories...
Prolouge
You're doing it wrong.
Shining Armor waved good-bye to his little sister as the train sped away.
his little sister as the train sped away
train
You had one job.
The pegasus mare had light cobalt fur, pretty purple-blue eyes and a light green updo with dark green stripes in it. She wore black boots with buckles and straps on her forelegs and black cuffs on her back legs.
I already knew all this.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," Shining responded, his face turning red.
He seems to have gotten embarrassed far too easily. This isn't a character trait of his that we've ever seen.
She shuffled her hooves a bit and mumbled something under her breath.
I'm sorry, Shining Armor couldn't hear you over how loudly I'm yelling at my computer screen. Can you repeat that, please?
"Oh! Nothing, nothing! Do you have any relatives in royalty- er, in the Guard?"
Why would she mistake him for royalty? Twilight isn't even hinted at being royalty at this time and this is well before he meets Cadance. Either you're alluding that she knows something she shouldn't and this is an author knowledge thing, or you're just being outright confusing. The only possible alternative is that she's a gold-digger and she wants him to be royalty.
Minted seems really unhappy at first, but perked up after a couple of seconds.
This has a tense issue. 
"I bet she loves it," she said dreamily.
In...cest?
If yo you want
Fix it. 
more form now
Nope.
Shinign
Oh, I'm blind in one eye. I was born like that. I have really bad depth perception, but I don't mind too much.
You google "blind in one eye symptoms" to find that out?
"Huh." Shining yawned and picked at a stray thread. "Man, how long does this ride take?"
Wow. She's telling him about her disabilities and he displays boredom.
Two years later...
a slight smile on he face. C'mon, Shiny,
Two errors here.
Normally, he disliked mares like that,
but she's a special snowflake.
Her one wrong eye was no reason to like her nay less.
That you even brought it up as a potential issue compounds the special snowflake treatment. Either it's an obstacle for one of them to overcome or it's not worth mentioning.
Why? Why does she have to be blind in one eye? It doesn't add to the story, doesn't make your character any more unique, doesn't add even an iota of originality or character development. It's just a badge you could tack onto her so you could say, "This girl knows how tough it can be out there," or whatever.
Every now and then, Shining would ask why, and Minted would immediately drop the subject. She refused to tell him anything about it, except one time where she had come to visit him and Twilight and she was kind of tired. She mentioned something about the sun, but it really didn't make any sense to Shining. That was okay, though, because she didn't need a cutie mark. To him, she was perfect and special when it came to everything.
So, when she gets her cutie mark, she's going to disappear and there will never be the difficulty of a break-up in his future. How wonderful. 
Also, fascinating that her suspicious behavior has never been a point of contention between the two of them. It sure would be for me. 
minted, however, was able to pick Shining up and fly him over the city so they could get a decent view.
Minted certainly does.
They managed to land in the park, but just as Minted had let go of Shining and was about to come down herself, somepony shot an arrow at her wing. Blood trickled down her feathers as she crashed to the ground, crying out in pain. Panicked, Shining had to take her to the hospital. Her wing was a bloody mess, and Shining was ready to destroy whoever had shot it. Minted claimed ignorance as to any potential enemies, but on her last day in the hospital, Shining found a letter in his room from Minted Drop.
In 96 words, you went from "this is the best day ever" to "holy shit a assassin" with zero brakes.
Amethyst Rose likes arrows and hates me.
Please, Shining Armor, you can't tell anypony about it, as it'll just get worse...
but she's my sister. I've tried so hard to love her, but she always pushes me away because we have different fathers. I know she did this. You have to bring her to me and leave! I must talk to her!
This is seriously, like, painful to read.
I got this... shiver down my spine, just now. It was like, "Please, stop." Well, I say screw it. I've got one short chapter left to tackle.
I can do this.
He was positively infuriated that somepony would dare harm poor Minted.
I'm pretty certain that the Royal Guard would have some choice words to share with her.
"A lot, actually. Minted is my... friend." How he wished he could say something more impressive, but he had to get straight to the point. For Minted.
This is so unrealistic. You forced this scene way too hard. As if Shining would just be angry that she got shot in the wing. No, he'd call in the Royal Guard and have her arrested. This is so asinine.
"She got shot with an arrow in the wing."
>Cadance falls in love with Shining Armor
>Minted Drop comes back from wherever she is
>"I used to be in love with Shining Armor, like you... until I took an arrow to the wing."
>her face when
"What do you mean, UPPITY? Minted is perfect!"
This line right here just feels so unnatural for anyone to utter.
She thinks all royalty is evil and she's their poor, defenseless victim.
This is... good character development. I'm not sure where you're going with this. 
If she's got a victim complex, this is going to get really fascinating really quickly.
If you can pull this off with a deflected trope and a bitter ending, I will commend you on your early storywriting abilities. The dialogue and some of the scenery (like the 96 words to rekt) is still really clunky and sounds too forced, but as far as motives, this is weird. Different.
Interesting.
"I'm afraid not. You see... I used to be Celestia's student."
She pushed her up-do back a bit to reveal a tiny horn, no bigger than a foal's. Tears welling in her eyes, she whispered, "I'm an alicorn. But when I refused to get rid of a pesky noble for Celestia, she stunted my magic growth. I can't use my magic, nor can I ever experience the magic of having a super-special talent."
Shining's jaw dropped. Minted was even more special than he had thought!
And, hey, all the jerks who I didn't block: STOP TELLING ME WINDLIFE IS A TROLL! He's trying to help me out, unlike YOU idiots!
Words cannot possibly express the kek welling up inside me right now.
This barely even scrapes the surface of my kek, but it will have to suffice.
The verdict: A surprisingly fresh and original idea molded too heavily by generic teenage angst tropes. There were a few moments that had me nodding my head, saying, "You know, this could really shape up to be something awesome," then it... it...
She pushed her up-do back a bit to reveal a tiny horn, no bigger than a foal's. Tears welling in her eyes, she whispered, "I'm an alicorn.
I just can't take it seriously.
What you need is someone who can sift through your story ideas and tell you what will stick and what will be laughed out of any kind of serious consideration. This story has an idea, and that idea is marred by generic special snowflake/Mary Sue alicorn with a physical disability #3426. I won't lie, parts of this story were just pure hilarity for me due to my knowledge of the fanfiction scene here and what's considered "good writing." This story... it hits too many of the tropes that I've just laughed at for so long because they're so bloody common. Everyone who's new to the site makes a story like this. We all have to start our journey somewhere, and we all start at the same place: new to fanfiction, with no idea how well-received our story will be, and equipped with an alicorn.
My suggestion: Go back to the drawing board, write up an absolutely normal OC, and try to make her special through your writing talent. That is the challenge in being an author. You started with special and just kept piling on the glitter.
The author blocked me for pretty much next to no reason. I just called her immature.....
2793923
I told her what would happen if she deleted my comment... so I did it.
I love these authors.
2793929 She told me to go buck myself before she blocked me so I decided to PM her explaining how I do not self suck........
2793929 She said that at least her profile pic wasn't total crap before blocking me. I guess she compared it to mine.
2793932
For some reason, I can't comment on her story anymore. I thought being blocked just prevented you from PMing the author or commenting on their user page. Not sure what's going on.
2793945
She wot?
I'll bash 'er 'ead in m8
I swear on me mum
Seriously, she insulted you? I'd report her if you hadn't done what you did and hit right back. You don't insult users in story comments, as those are for the story, not the user.
I think it's funny that she didn't draw her own picture, yet she's insulting you as if she could draw something better. You have great talent; I wonder if she realizes that's your artwork, and that her comparison of what likely was done by a professional to what you love as work of your own and a symbol of where you've come from is really dumb.
Man, I need to get some popcorn and watch that comments section burn.
2794028 It's what I'm doing. I also have spare candycanes.
Oh, and I'm redoing my avatar since the Christmas season's over, as well as my ORAS hype.
I don't mind her insult since it's just petty to begin with. :D
EDIT: Avatar redone.
Sounds like somepony needs a visit from Super Trampoline's Super Bad Fanfic Theater.
2794028 Wierd..........
2794048
I would love you so much.
2794098 I'd love you for my Story Standards group!
2794160
How did you know I was looking at that group earlier?
2794166 I's psychic.
Feel free to PM me your exam thingy! Using the story here AS the reviewed story! Hell, I just added that story to the group! :D
... Hey... Just wondering... Could you... well. A Dress For Princess Twilight. The story I published last week... got a lot of attention. I really did not think it was that good. But I want your HONEST option. And not her idea of it either. I really did not think I did a good job with the story. It left a LOT to be desired. And I hope to clean it up with it's sequel...(Pinkie Gets Sewing lessons) Coming in April. But I'd really enjoy a review on it.
2794182 Not whose idea of a review?
2794171
I page hop very quickly.
Can you link me to the group, please? I ran across the link somewhere and checked it out, but don't feel like digging through my history.
2794182
Oh my. Does everyone want me to review their stories now?
2794198 Linky.
Good points, but they're not going to listen to you if you're laughing at them. You know their issue is a need to mature as a writer, so be more clear about it. You can point out it's funny, but point out that many authors go through it, (possibly yourself too, if applicable?) and, eh, maybe cut down on the reaction gifs pointing and laughing at them. It's, um, not nice.
Also, beware the Cadence/Cadance debate, as apparently Hasbro has misspelled it as well on official merchandise and anyone stuck in their ways over this will see that as argument enough.
I see the genuine advice and critique in your review, and I also see plenty of reasons someone would not be receptive to that advice because of what it was delivered in.
P.S. the blinded eye reminded me of a pony named Professor Inkwell from the comics. The OC's hair was similar, too. Imagining that old lady dating Shining Armor was a really funny mental image.
2794188 The writer of that story. All positive, nothing critical.
2794295 Oh yeah, that writer. Okay.
2794198 At least I didn't ask for the LONG one.... But if you don't have time I fully understand.
2794166
Of course everyone wants you to do a review for them, because we know we'll get a real review, and it'll be funny. I myself would love to have you review my story.
It's long, and incomplete, but if you ever need a challenge, let me know.
2794300
I'll see what I can do if I have time tomorrow. Work has a way of getting really busy really fast, or I'd have done it today. Please keep reminding me.
2794413
I can think of a few authors who wouldn't appreciate a review from me.
I'm willing to bet this is a troll, it's honestly pretty rare for someone to get a ratio of likes to dislikes that crappy when they're trying to write well. There's this guy I edited for one time, he went through just about every cliche and overused writing style possible when writing his first story, didn't even have great grammar/spelling/punctuation because he didn't think to get an editor yet, still has a ratio of 18:16. Reader's on this site are very forgiving one you're willing to put in some effort, any story with a ratio that bad I'll bet a hundred dollars is a troll. Other hints: the author has no stories in favourites folder, meaning she probably doesn't really care about the account, and that in her description she says her friends say she's a good author, which she clearly is not.
Also, I'm pretty sure the 'Special Snowflake' affect isn't unique to MLP. It happens in any self-insert fanfiction, because the author wants to feel special in the perfect world he/she created.
2794514
That's because they're foolish and aren't interested in improving. I can't say I always agree with what you have to say, but I started following you based on your comments on other stories for that reason alone.
Thank you for being interesting, btw.
2794514 I'll try to remind you. I've actually have some stuff due for my sister... two days ago...
I've been miffed with her so I was ignoring it. Really need to do the list of things.
2794545
I hadn't discounted the possibility, but they seem too genuine. If they are a troll, they're one of the best I've met.
2794590
Thank you for the feedback!
I do my best to enjoy my time on this site, and I can only hope to share that enjoyment with others.
2794623
I believe in you.
2795070 The conundrum with trolls: does having faith in humanity mean that you believe people are not so oblivious to sarcasm and unreceptive to criticism, or is having faith in humanity mean you believe people won't lie about it?
Pretty sure the author's a troll, they even said as much.
2795098
Well, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if they were, but they just don't seem like a troll to me. I'm probably biased at this point because I want to believe my gut instinct; if they are a troll, they had me well and truly fooled.
2795306
Link please?
2795612
Linky
2795854
Yeah, I found it a bit after I asked. So disappointing.